Tag Archive for ‘Food’

Monday I went to see a M.D. that was recommended to me. This is the kind of doctor that you need to have the name of someone who referred you in order to make an appointment, as I feel pretty sure that the doctor is living in fear of the Food and Drug Administration making a run on the joint. He is an endocrinologist who has a patient load of L.A. ladies who lunch too much and are getting ready for Bas Mitzvahs, weddings and high school reunions and want to have lost the weight by yesterday. I was hoping he would help me lose the 25 pounds that I can’t seem to lose on my own (you see my diet of wine, cookies, cheese and “Taco Tuesday” has not worked out as planned) in a reasonably healthy manner, but I was not above trying Phentermine if he thought it was a good idea. No special occasion motivated my visit other than the joy of looking good in a sun dress.

As soon as I arrived I found myself collecting concerns:

Concern #1 came when I saw that his In-style Magazine was from August 2006. The big news is in this cutting edge magazine is that the “Sex in the City” gals will indeed reunite for a film. Really, who keeps a magazine that long? It made me wonder if he doesn’t keep his magazines current does that also mean he isn’t up to date on current medical research. Is he reading JAMA from 1998 or the New England Journal of Medicines from when it was a colony? It might be faulty logic but it did shake me.

Concern #2 Before I met the doctor I heard his booming voice coming through two walls. He is a loud talker, so loud that I heard every word he said to the woman in exam room two while I waited to be seen. It turns out her labs are normal and, no, he doesn’t think she needs to come back until after her Caribbean cruise.

Concern #3 The nurse looked wild eyed when she looked at my EKG. She assured me it was normal, only she said it in extremely broken English—or at least that is what I hope she said. Once she tried to calm me she ran out of the room and interrupted the doctor who was in the middle of sharing his vacation plans in room #2. I heard him tell the inaudible nurse that I was fine, it was just the machine that was broken and not me. I was grateful at that moment for his megaphone mouth and the happy news about my heart.

Concern #4 When he finally came in I wished he hadn’t. Not only was he loud, he also had no sense of personal space. He was in my face. I could smell his breath ( fortunately I smelled nothing that made me more concerned). There were even a few occasions when I was hit by spittle that escaped when he used words that started with the letters ‘p’, ‘s’ and ‘t’.

He was like a character out of a Seinfeld episode in which Jerry and Kramer went to a screaming in your face doctor. In my imaginary episode Kramer talked Jerry into going to the doctor’s office with him for some reason I am not creative enough to think of. Dr. In-your-face came in and introduced himself to Jerry and Kramer and got in their faces. The doctor was almost kissing Kramer as he undertook the exam. Kramer kept backing up trying to get away from Dr. In-your-face until he fell out of the window, breaking bones and ending up in the hospital. Dr. In-your-face came to visit Kramer in his hospital room and couldn’t move away from the doctor as he was trapped in traction. George, Jerry and Elaine looked on in horror.

Concern #5 Dr. Loud-in-your-face felt the need to use medical terminology and then break it down for me. I assured him I was an educated person who did very well on the verbal portion of the GRE and that I knew big words like “metabolism”.

Concern #6 “Will you do what I tell you?” He spat at me and stared at me indignantly as if I was a small child he had asked to clean its room. I could see up his nasal vestibule( see, I know fancy medical terminology) as he waited for my answer. I answered yes as I figured that the quicker I told him what he wanted to hear the quicker I could get out of his office.

Concern #7 He asked about my IVFs and asked if I had given up on trying to have a baby. Then he screamed in my face, “Adoption?” “No”, I explained how bad our attempt at adoption had gone, “we aren’t trying that again.” “How about a beautiful Chinese baby girl?”, he asked. “Huh?” I was shocked to hear those words come out of his fat face that was closer to me than He-weasel’s usually is. It was not what he said but how he said it that made me aware that his offer was filled with unethical and possibly illegal innuendo. “No. I am not interested.”
“Are you sure?” he asked.
“Yeah…I’m sure.”

My mind reeled. Was this guy saying that he could get me a baby? What exactly was he offering? This gave me something to think about as he explained in excruciating detail how weight loss happens by doing complex math formulas on post-it notes that he punctuated with smiley faces. You see, it seems that “less calories in and more calories burned = weight loss”. Shocking news, huh? I thought of scenarios that seemed both unethical and illegal as he tried to sell me some of his meal replacement shakes. I said no to the “chocolate flavored diet shake” as firmly as I did to his baby suggestion.

I left with a diet plan, a bottle full of polka dotted pills that I have since thrown away and a vision of a beautiful Chinese baby girl dancing in my head. When I got home I asked He-weasel if I had any feathers on me. He answered “No, why?”
“Because I have just seen a quack.”

I don’t think I have lost any weigh on Dr. Loud-in-your-face’s diet plan and that is probably because I am not following it. I have also not lost the image of a beautiful Chinese baby girl. And, no, I am not considering calling him back to see what exactly he was suggesting. I really don’t want to know.