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Tag Archive for ‘dream analysis’

I/eye emergency

Here’s what happened-ish: So I was in my psychoanalytic psychotherapy class and one of the instructors started taking about something that happened with one of her patients. I, being a careful listener with a good memory and a person with a capacity to make intuitive links, thought that maybe the patient she was talking about was a patient she talked about a few weeks ago. So, I  naively asked her, “Is this the patient you were talking about before?” Even before she answered me I could feel from looking at her face that I had asked the wrong question. Once her eyes had returned to their sockets and her jaw had been lifted from the floor she was able to use her voice to express her shock. “Yes.” She said. But she didn’t say yes like you or I would. She said “yes” as if she was responding to an unwanted insight about the day of her death from a psychotic and smelly psychic.

Her co-teacher then said in accusing tones, as if to underscore their shared shock at my question,”You have a really good memory. I can tell you that I never imagined someone could make that sound like an insult, but he managed to do so. I defended myself as I felt ashamed and disoriented by his accusation of me daring to have such a good memory, ” I have a therapeutic memory,” I said. And I didn’t say that in any inflated way. It is just the truth. Being a therapist has given me a MUCH better memory. I am able to remember details about my clinical work in a way that I can’t in other areas of my life. Going to a grocery store, I continue to require a list or at least a mnemonic device to remind me that I need milk, bread and coffee (the mnemonic for that is “The caffeinated money cow“).
Continue reading ‘I/eye emergency’

Animus

Long before I knew about Jung I knew about animus. I didn’t know what the name was, but I had known my animus for YEARS. There was the dark animus who had harassed me since I was ten. In my nightmares this faceless man had chased me and threatened me and insisted I didn’t look at him. I thought, as most would do at 10, that he was my bogeyman and it certainly didn’t occur to me that he was a psychological complex and/or an archetype.  Years later there were positive animus figures who showed up in my dreams and they completed me. With him I felt strong, self-confident, smart and  loved. Now that we were together  all would be well forever….but then I would wake up and I would be crushed and completely lost without him.  The details of some of my positive animus dreams have stayed with me longer than memories of actual men I have dated.

Just in case you don’t know anima from anime, let me try to break this down for you. The first task of individuation, consciousness or just not being an unconscious git is to pull back our projections and become aware of our shadow. Once we have done that we then need to integrate the inner opposite gender aspect of ourselves and/or, in fancy terms we need to integrate our unconscious contrasexual nature, or we haven’t become all we can be (I didn’t intend to quote an Army commercial but my animus inspired Muse made me do it. Stay with me, men have anima figures, that function as their soul, and women have animus figures.

The anima is something each guy has, no matter how butch or bad ass or unevolved he may be, he has an inner feminine even if he is completely disconnected from it—it’s there. Really, it is, trust me—I am a paid professional. When you think of anima think of Dante’s Beatrice, Jerry McGuire and the gal who completes him or the other one who makes him jump on the couch like it was a trampoline at a kid’s birthday party, or that Twilighty vampire guy and the human he loves too much. These are literary versions of what happens internally. Dante needed his anima, his soul, or he was in hell. Jerry needed Renee Zellweiger or he was just a soulless agent. Vampirey guy has no soul and so he needs Anima figure to get one and he also needs sunblock but that is a different post. And women have animus figures, this is really at the core of every romance novel. “He completes me.” But the he that completes you is in fact an inner he, he is your animus.

Note to reader: please read the following in your head or out loud in a thick Swiss accent. If you can’t manage that at least have a cup of Swiss Miss as you read the following:

Every man carries within him the eternal image of woman, not the image of this or that particular woman, but a definite feminine image. This image is fundamentally unconscious, an hereditary factor of primordial origin engraved in the living organic system of the man, an imprint or “archetype” of all the ancestral experiences of the female, a deposit, as it were, of all the impressions ever made by woman-in short, an inherited system of psychic adaptation. Even if no women existed, it would still be possible, at any given time, to deduce from this unconscious image exactly how a woman would have to be constituted psychically. The same is true of the woman: she too has her inborn image of man.

“Marriage as a Psychological Relationship” (1925) In CW 17: The Development of the Personality. P.338

The animus, according to Jung, is both a personal complex and an archetypal image that exists within all women.  This is not easy stuff to boil down, so let me have my good friend Carl Gustav Jung say it for himself (and no he doesn’t have a blog and you can’t friend him on Facebook).

The animus is the deposit, as it were, of all woman’s ancestral experiences of man-and not only that, he is also a creative and procreative being, not in the sense of masculine creativity, but in the sense that he brings forth something we might call . . . the spermatic word.["Anima and Animus," CW 7, par. 336.]

That is the last I am going to quote Jung for a while because he had some serious issues about women with large animus figures. Really, it is almost unbearable to read his writings on the subject without wanting to cast dispersions on his manhood and suggest he get a sports car and a Costco size vat of Viagra. Let’s just put it this way, I think he had a very small *animus*, if you get my drift. Truly, for a guy being surrounded by super smart women he had some serious biases about women. I know it was the time in which he lived but it can still be hard to read his theories on women without occasionally wanting to throw out the Basel-born Jung with the bath water.

Back to the the animus. The animus in women isn’t so much a soul figure, as the anima is in men. The animus is more of an inner guy  who is loaded “with fixed ideas, collective opinions and unconscious a priori assumptions that lay claim to absolute truth. In a woman who is identified with the animus (called animus-possession), Eros generally takes second place to Logos.” I was, prior to lots of work, such a gal. I had a serious animus complex. I tended to idealize the masculine and logos over the feminine and feeling. Being as Athena daugter of a Zeus father, i.e. born out of the head of my father (if you have no idea what I am talking about I will include a link to a mythological Cliff notes on the subject). The animus is also a bridge to the Self (yikes, me trying to explain the Self could take a while. Suffice to say the Self is what you are after in Jungian psychology and it is the more transcendent/trans-personal part of yourself). Here is what my dead and somewhat sexist friend and the Father of Analytic Psychology has to say on the subject:

Like the anima, the animus too has a positive aspect. Through the figure of the father he expresses not only conventional opinion but-equally-what we call “spirit,” philosophical or religious ideas in particular, or rather the attitude resulting from them. Thus the animus is a psychopomp, a mediator between the conscious and the unconscious and a personification of the latter.[Ibid., par. 33.]

Differentiation is the key in working with animus. The animus, tends to be bossy and opinionated and has answer for everything…mine certainly did/does. What one wants to do is differentiate the messages that come from you( the ego) and those that come from the animus and that way you are conscious of where these messages come from and that gives you more freedom to take or leave the Old Testament truths that the animus likes to bust out ( lots of rules, thou-shalts and general Super-ego kind of statements that can at the very least be oppressive and at their worst they can be paralyzing).

And since my animus was unusually large, before I learned to differentiate my animus, I had a hard time being around groups of women. This made attending grad school in my chosen field a little hard( as of late Psychology has become a mostly female profession)and made it harder still to attend a conference given by Marion Woodman, the grand poobah of Jungian Femininity, on the Feminine in which  all of the attendants were garbed in shawls and gypsy skirts and Goddess necklaces. My animus was repulsed by the idea when I suggested we attend.

“Are you kidding me?” My animus asked. “We got to get out of here. This isn’t for us. This is too touchy, feely. Where is the intellect? Where is the logic? Where is the objective????? Hell no, we won’t go.” It shouted in a chant of self-preservation.

There was a big part of me that agreed with my animus and wanted to hightail it out of the Hilton Ballroom that this estrogen rich event was happening in. I was ready to go  faster than you can say “Sororities, Knitting Circles, Estrogen, and Ovaries”. However I knew that my animus had been running the show for far too long and at the time I was trying to learn about mothering, as most of my practice had been filled with college aged girls who had mother wounds and my mother wound had left me feeling like it was MUCH better to identify with the masculine. I knew that Marion Woodman had something to teach me about the feminine. So I did some differentiation work with my animus. In my imagination I  booked my animus a suite at Caesar’s Palace. I gave him cigars and booze and chips and gift certificate’s to steak houses and strip clubs. I told him to leave me alone for the weekend so I could get to know myself independent of him and that I would be back for him on Monday. My animus agreed. And it worked. This was the beginning of me differentiating from my animus. I began to see what thoughts, ideas and feelings were mine and which were from the animus. This was big and it was totally worth being a part of Shawl Fest 2006. That said, I am still pretty identified with my animus—only now my animus is more positive and not the dark one that so long tormented me.

Speaking of the dream that I had for decades in which the dark animus was chasing me, what I have come to realize is that I wouldn’t have died if I looked at him. He would have died. He was afraid of the light of consciousness and so he lied to me and told me that if I looked at the complex it would kill me. Guess what, I am still here and he is gone. The positive animus remains.

So, ladies, any animus figures in your dreams? Fellows, any anima dreams????

*************

More on animus:

Hereherehere here and here.

If more than two people are interested in this topic, I could write a post about how our animus or anima can create acrimony in relationships with *real* men and explore Jung’s idea of marriage as a psychological relationship. If you are interested vote with your comments. If you aren’t I can always write about shoes, Igor, Lily and how much I hate L.A. No hard feelings. ;-) My positive animus’ feelings won’t be hurt.

Projective Identification and Prince Charming the Conceptual Artist

When as a MFT trainee I first started seeing clients I had normal bouts of self-doubt and fear that I wasn’t at all ready to be seeing them yet.  Usually after a few minutes into the session I would remind myself just to be there with the client and listen and respond authentically and that all would be well and that was usually enough to make my self-doubts go away. However there was one client that I was seeing that whenever I would sit with him/her no amount of self-soothing or self-talk could make my self-doubt go away. And strangely, even if I had been feeling confident, competent or otherwise effective, as soon as he/she would walk into my office my positive feelings would be replaced with ones like, “You will never amount to anything” or “You are hopeless and you should just stop this now.” I tried to push these thoughts away and just be with the client—only these thoughts and feelings wouldn’t budge. By the time the session would end I would feel like a complete and total failure and an absolute fraud.

At the time I was lucky to have  a WONDERFUL supervisor whom, upon hearing how I felt when in session with this client, introduced me to the concept of Projective Identitification. She explained to me that the client was unconsciously communicating to me about their subjective state via how I felt about myself in this client’s presence, i.e. the person was projecting their inner state onto me. The client said with his/her words that he/she was doing okay and all was well but via their unconscious they were communicating to me how he/she really felt about him/herself. As soon as I heard my supervisor’s interpretation it made sense to me. Once armed with this insight I was able to understand the subjective states as transference and what had once felt intolerable now felt like valuable clinical information. However, if I had not had the supervision I might not been able to differentiate my feelings from what was in fact a classic Projective Identification as this is a psychological state that can be difficult to differentiate without a skilled someone on the sidelines.

All of the above is just my attempt to introduce you to the concept, in case this is an idea you are not yet familiar with( and I am sure that many of you are and/or have at least experienced this dynamic in your life with other humans). So when I got back from my trip to Portland I was feeling extremely numb. I felt that I wasn’t able to love. I couldn’t feel my heart. I felt totally disconnected from myself. I had no idea how I was feeling and my thoughts felt strangely distant. My inner life felt foggy and far away and when I tried to access it I felt like I was trying to make out the words and melodies to a song playing on a far away radio. It took me almost four full days for me to figure out that what I was feeling was in fact a Projective Identification.  It is not me who is numb and who can’t love or feel my heart or  can’t access my thoughts or feelings. I am, for all of my many faults, a person who loves, feels, and is totally connected with my inner life.  As soon as I recognized that I was in the midst of a P.I., and that I was feeling the feelings of another who shared my week long journey, I felt the way you do when you are dreaming and you know you are and you want to wake yourself up from it, but you can’t.  Don’t get me wrong, knowing it is a Projective Identification makes the pain of being numb less painful—yet I don’t feel fully out of it.

Igor is away on vacation this week and so I don’t have him to help me process all the feelings I had during the trip nor to help me free myself from the Projective Identification that I presently find myself in.  It helps to write about it. It helps to have to use my mind and words and notice how I feel as I write them, to do so feels a bit like how when your leg goes numb and you get up and try to shake out the numbness and tingling.  Strangely exercise also has helped. Last night was the first time since I broke my toe that I was able to run and feeling my body and my breath and feeling myself move through space also seemed to bring me back to myself a bit.  All that said, I still feel a little numb and a little distant and not 100% myself.

The good news is, that even though I have not woken from the Sleeping Beauty sleep of Projective Identification, I have been dreaming. I have been dreaming lovely dreams. Two nights ago I dreamt of being at a gorgeous Italian villa that belonged to a dear friend and I was very happy to be there. Last night I dreamt of an extremely positive Animus figure (i.e. a super hot guy who knew my soul) and we were very much in love. My Prince Charming was an artist who was working at Neiman Marcus doing art installations on all three levels of the store. All was well until we met my mother for lunch and then He left me. I chased after him in the parking lot and tried to get him back to me. I got him to come back into the store. When we went back into the store we saw this kind of sculptural office/playpen set up in which these two parents had created as a way to keep their kids close by as they worked. My Prince saw this and was upset that they had only one way to move and so he was going to create a swing (shaped like a tube) that would allow for more freedom of movement.  Both seem like surprisingly positive dreams considering how I am feeling.

Neiman’s, I think, is symbolic of a commercial palace—the kind of palace that I can, on occasion, be imprisoned by. Also, as dreams love word play, it is interesting to note that Erich Neumann was a writer who wrote the definitive work on the Great Mother archeptype. My positive animus is played by a Post-modern Prince Charming( an artist/ a creative/ a guy who works with ideas as the source of his creation). I believe this Prince has been sent by my psyche to wake me from the sleep that the dark witch(played by my mother in the dream). Only the dark witch separates me from the Prince in my dream—it is when I try to get nurturing from the feminine (go to lunch with her) that I lose the relationship with my Animus.

I leave the palace (the mother) and go to the parking lot (where drive is stored) and we come back together through his seeing children merged to their parents. The dream concludes with the Animus attempting to create more movement for the children. My Animus, I believe, is telling me that the way to reconnect with my Self and to separate from the dark mother is through creativity. I think he is telling me that there is a way to be connected to family without being imprisoned by them.  I wish that he would have just kissed me and woken me from this Projective Identification I find myself in and besides a kiss is much less work, and he was really hot.

Little dream, big meaning

If someone were to deliver a custom made gift and deliver it to your door and you couldn’t immediately open the package as it was a wrapped in a way that made accessing it somewhat difficult, would you throw it away? I think not. Well, it is my sense that is what we do when we don’t look at our dreams. We, I believe, are throwing away a custom made gift from our psyche.

When I start to work with a patient and I ask them about their dreams it is not uncommon for them to tell me that they don’t remember their dreams. I don’t ever let that deter me. First I instruct them on some simple ways that they might be able to remember their dreams and then I ask them about the last dream they had or the last dream that they remember. Often there is one that they can remember. However sometimes the client insists “it wasn’t a real dream, I don’t remember all of it—it was just a fragment”. To me hearing there is a fragment is the same as hearing there was an hour long dream that I wrote down in detail. Actually, sometimes the fragment is far better than a big dream. Why? Because one image or just one word can give profound psychological insight and offer more insight than a dream loaded with characters and transitions and multiple locations with more complexity than a Cecil B.DeMille film. Dreams that are epic in scale can be impossible to grasp and unknowable in their entirety.

Last night I had a dream fragment. Here it is, hold on, be prepared to be wowed by mythological symbolism that was last seen in the dreams of Hieronymus Bosch. Okay, maybe not quite that grand. I dreamt that I was on a Pilates reformer. Did I do too much buildup? Did I over sell the dream? Perhaps. However, even though this simple dream is low on character and content, it is a symbol loaded with info for those with the tools to unpack its secret.

I will start with my personal associations or the subjective level of the dream.
So what are my personal associations to a Pilates reformer? When I hear the word Pilates reformer this is what I think: I used to take Pilates. I liked it. I should do it again. I just got that Pilates CDs out of storage. It would be good to do them. If I added a few clients to my practice I would start doing private Pilates again. But I don’t really like Pilates with just anyone. I had a really great instructor. But she is back in Mexico. And I am sure I could never find another teacher as great as she was. She was getting a M.A. in somatic psychology so she really understood the psychological aspects of the body, of movement and blocks.

Now let’s move onto the objective level of the dream:
What exactly is a Pilates reformer? Pilates is an exercise program that was designed to heal/strengthen wounded dancers. It is a piece of exercise equipment that works on one’s *core*. It is a piece of equipment that promises to *reform* one. It is usually done in the context of one on one work. It is a piece of equipment that is not turned on—rather it is the users movements that activate the movement of the reformer, meaning that the energy of the movement is activated by the user. Many different kinds of exercises can be performed on the one machine unlike exercise machines such as treadmills or ellipticals which are designed for one type of movement. A reformer’s lines are linear. Up and down—straight lines. One can lay, sit or stand on a reformer. This work is about lengthening and strengthening. It is slow and focused work that emphasizes breathing, controlled movements and precision.

Where we are in our dreams is symbolically where we are in our psyche. The dream is saying that this is where I am now. It is not saying this is something I *should* do. It is saying *this is where you are*. The place my psyche is in is one that is working on my core. I am being “reformed”. According to Merriam-Webster dictionary “Reform” means to be made better. So where I am, in my psyche, and what is happening now is making be better. It is taking some work. It isn’t easy work. And it is work that takes assistance and it is slow and focused—it is done in private with the assistance of one who is experienced in understanding the body       (is this speaking of my work with Igor?). The reform work is strengthening my *core* and repairing what is damaged. Pretty nice dream for one that is just one sentence long. Huh?

Want to give it a shot. How about sharing a recent dream image (one word or more) and give it a quick association? I will happily share my associations to your dream image, if you would like. Or, if you would prefer, let me know what you think my dream means.

I want to break up with Igor: Yeast and irritation are rising

It started with a dream. I dreamt that I had brought a huge grocery cart full of groceries from Whole Foods with me to therapy. The contents of the cart had to be worth over $1000. At the top of the cart were three baguettes. When, in the dream, Igor saw the baguettes he said, “Why did you get those? They will make you eat fast.” Him saying that kind of bugged me and I wanted to explain to him that I eat slow but I knew he was taking info from a past session and so there was no point in trying to explain it to him. But, I was upset that he was misreading something fundamental about my temperament.

Then in the dream Igor and I were sitting on an ottoman. I grabbed the back of his hair because I wanted to feel how thick his hair was. I wanted to feel his substance. I was afraid he would interpret this action as erotic and it wasn’t.

So, I tell Igor the dream last Thursday. He asks for my interpretations. I tell him that I think it means I am bringing something valuable, nutritive and wholesome with me to therapy. This is a lot of groceries and they are really expensive. I think it means I bring a lot of good things with me to therapy. “It’s not like I bring a big trailer load of dirt or trash. I am bringing fancy groceries.”

“And, what about the baguettes? What kind are they?”Igor asked greedily.

“The French kind. You know the long and thin ones. The kind you can only get in France. ” This image seemed loaded with symbolic potential. Igor was blinded by the bread and ignored what they might mean to me.

“Well, I wouldn’t be telling you not to buy those or warn you not to eat them quickly. I love those. I would eat those fast. French bread is the best and with jamon…..mmmmm. I love the jamon.” He said it with far away eyes. His face indicating that he was no longer with my dream but dreaming of far away French bread.

I found myself thinking, ‘where the hell is he going with this?’

“Did I tell you that I have a sister who lives in France?” Igor asked.

“Uh, no.” Again I wondered what the clinical value of this information was.

“Yeah, she lived in L.A. and didn’t like it. She hated L.A. and she moved to Paris and got married and she adopted a child and she is very happy. She loves Paris and would never come back to L.A.”

“Nice.” I said. But in truth it felt anything but nice. He knows how I am hurting about baby and living in L.A. He know how much I love Paris. It felt sadistic. I shut down and didn’t want to talk about the dream anymore or even Paris. I felt as if he was trying to make me depressed. If he has been paying attention to my body language or my affect he would have seen how the story of his sister affected me. He didn’t.

He spent the rest of the session asking questions about what He-weasel does for a living and then he wanted me to explain the difference between north and south New Jersey. I answered his questions and was simultaneously pissed that I was paying $200 to talk about He-weasel’s job.

Almost immediately upon hearing that we might have been moving to NJ, which sadly we aren’t, Igor asked me what would happen to us( meaning me and Igor). That was his first reaction. Let me tell you that there were MANY clinical issues to explore when the possibility of us moving away from L.A. arose but he wasn’t interested in any of them. He wanted to know if he was still going to get his $800 for me. I left the session feeling hurt, angry and pissed( and then I went to see Away We Go).

Since the session I have had several dreams in which I feel that I am being attacked by something from the outside( attacking masculines) who don’t get me and who misunderstand me and don’t listen to what I am saying. In one dream I was in a high rise building and I heard a lot of outside noise and I went out on the patio and I saw a bulldozer that was supposed to be picking up debris and instead I knew it was going to destroy me. I flipped it the bird and went inside. Hmmmm…..I wonder what that could be about.

I really want to break up with Igor.

Dave Eggers kidnapped me








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According to the noted Swiss psychologist, C.G. Jung, said, dreams are real, as real as real life. If that is true it means it really happened. Dave Eggers really did kidnap me. Only, I won’t be pressing charges and their was no ransom demands. I wish I had more to tell you about the dream. The dream was very light on content. It was pretty much a voice over that said, “Dave Eggers kidnapped you.”I woke up feeling simultaneously excited and a little concerned.

I told Igor and shockingly he didn’t know who Dave Eggers is.
“Are you kidding me?” I was dumbfounded that he didn’t know one of the greatest writers of my generation.
“No”, Igor weakly defended.
“Dave Eggers is one of my favorite writers and he wrote AHBWOSG. You have read it, haven’t you?”
“No,” Igor said with no tone of embarrassment.
I felt a strong impulse to after the session to go and buy him the book that is the Gen X equivalent to “The Catcher in the Rye” and ask him what the hell he is reading anyways. I planned to buy him the book and bring it in next week until I realized it would become a huge transference issue that we would have to talk about forever. “Why do you want me to read it? How did your parents not know what you valued? Would you feel more loved if I read this book?” Blah-blah-blah-blah…. I decided it wasn’t worth it to endure that line of questioning. Why can’t a gift just be a gift and not a loaded symbolic gesture?

“Tell me more about Eggers”. Igor asked.
“He is a brilliant writer from Lake Forest.” I then shared all that we have in common. I also shared a new bit of synchronicity, “Dave is also a Pisces and our birthdays are just two days apart.” I said as a way proving unequivocally how much alike we are.
“Hmmmm….. So do you like him? Igor asked.
He said it in a way that was so loaded that it couldn’t drive because it might get a D.U.I.
“No, it isn’t him. I don’t like him. I have no interest in him. It is his writing that I like. And, I like that we have so much in common. But, him as a person…I am not as interested. I guess that because of all that we have in common that maybe it gives me hope that I will write my own “Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius”.

Igor did the Igor posture. Eyes shut and his hands stroking his brows as if they contained some magical insight powder that was released only upon repeated contact. If he was a cartoon there would have been steam coming out of his head so as to indicate how hard his brain was working.
“This hope that you will be like Dave Eggers, it impinges you. It takes you and you are not free. It grabs a hold of you and then you can’t move.”

His interpretation was not at all what I had been hoping for. As soon as he came up with that it I felt a depression coming on as undeniable as hiccups and it got worse when he immediately changed the subject and asked if I was still planning on going back to work in the fall.
I read his subject change to mean that I should quit writing and focus on my work. I was too upset by my reading to ask if that is what he was really saying.

A week later I went to see the film, Away We Go , written by Dave Eggers. I didn’t know much about the movie before I went. I had read a few bad reviews that didn’t talk a lot about the story but instead were baffled that Sam Mendes could make such a movie. I saw the movie and to be honest with you I have no idea if it was a good movie or a bad movie. I just don’t know. It is not for me to assess it as a creative work but rather to share with you how it affected me.

What I know is that it was not a movie I should have seen alone and without an Ativan in my purse. It is a movie about a happy young couple with child who are trying to find a home for their soon to be baby. Perfect movie for me, huh?And, I went to see it in a pretty vulnerable state. For the last week I have had two cases of ruptured ovarian cysts and I can tell you they hurt like a mother. Any *female* issue always brings up my unresolved issues about our intractable childlessness.

“Away We Go” is a sort of “On the Road” on hormones, a light hearted Kerouac for those shopping for cradles. The happy couple travel the country and try to find home in Tuscon, Arizona; Madison, Wisconsin; Montreal; and Miami, Florida. It was when they got to Montreal and met up with college friends who had just gone through their fifth miscarriage that I went into a hormonal/PTSD/and mild histerical outburst. I sat alone in the Westwood Pavilion director’s lounge theater and sobbed until I shook. The 50-something man in the seat in front of me did his best to ignore the crazy lady behind him. By the time they were in Florida and lying on a trampoline and making vows of what kind of parents they would be that I thought I might need an ambulance to get out of there as I thought my heart was going to break and if it did I was sure I wouldn’t be able to walk to my car with a broken heart. Heart and feet must be connected somehow.

Spoiler alert: In the movie the couple finds a perfect home for their soon to arrive baby and it is in watching that scene that I realized I may never find home—as home for me has always included a baby. When I had that realization is when my heart did break( it turns out you can walk with a broken heart, good to know). I sat alone in the theater after everyone left and I sat there and cried and grieved something I have grieved before. I said the mantra that goes with this grief, “it’s not fair.” When the usher came in to clean out the empty theater I took a quick look at myself in my compact and saw that I resembled a swollen raccoon and that dark glasses were in order. I walked out of the theater and to the car in darkness, feeling everyone could tell I had been crying and that I was an unfertile and bitter woman and if there was a god he must hate me and I must have done awful things to be denied this basic biological function that my body was designed for.

For 48 hours last week we thought He-weasel might be transferred to North New Jersey. I had made connections with Realtors and friends from NJ to seek thei
r advice. Thanks to Realtor.com I had already found a 100 year old house in Bernardsville that I really liked and could imagine us living in. I started to imagine the kind of life we would live there. But, at the end of “Away We Go”, when I saw the happy couple in their happy ending, I realized that we would likely be the only couple in Bernardsville without kids. People move to places like Bernardsville and Lake Bluff because they have kids—and we don’t.

Friday night I found out the job in New Jersey had been filled and so we would not be moving anyways. I was sad, sure. But, I wasn’t as sad as I would have been if I hadn’t seen “Away We Go”. Dave Eggers movie had kidnapped my hope that I will ever find a home. I hope he sends a ransom note soon. I’d settle for an offer to publish a piece in McSweeney’s.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4mpLvUY8TUE]

I am a Mickey Mouse Mormon Mason

I have long had an interest in the secret, the hidden and the mysterious. Not the woo-woo supernatural mysteries kind but more the secret amongst us kind. It is not an uncommon motif; I am not the only one who finds secrets and secret societies intriguing. There are web sites filled with the secrets of the Mormons and the Masons( of which I have spent a fair amount of time attempting to discover). I have watched every History Channel show on the secrets of the Mormons and the Masons, of which there are many, and was left wanting more Mason mysteries. I tuned into specials on the Discovery channel, intrigued to discover secrets I didn’t already know about Joseph Smith and his special glasses.

Growing up in L.A. means I spent a lot of time at the Magic Kingdom. We went to Disneyland every time a friend or relative came to visit. I went for birthdays, Christmas and Easter Holidays and, of course, for Grad Nite. As long as I have visited Disneyland I have been intrigued by their secrets. When I was little I wanted to know who was under the Mickey Mouse costume and wondered whether they were hot, sweaty and miserable. As I got older I was curious what the secrets behind the shiny-happy exterior of Mickey-land was really like. I wanted to see the imperfections of the park. There had to be a place in the park where tired employees sit and complain about being thrown up on by a child who had a toxic mix of too much cotton candy and Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride.

When I got older still I learned that that there was a secret place in Disneyland meant for just a select few. A doorway hidden among the rides, tee shirt shops and churro stands that I could not enter. This place was called Club33. Club 33 is a private club in the Magic Kingdom in which you can drink alcohol. Now, I enjoy a good cocktail every now and then but not enough to pay $10,450 for that privilege and an annual fee of $3,275. Even if I was ready to pony up, or should I say Pluto up, that kind of cash, there is a 10-20 year wait list for membership. Right now there is such a long wait list that the Mouse of all media isn’t even accepting letters of interest let alone membership applications. Only 487 memberships are ever available and a membership only becomes available when someone dies( as memberships are not transferable).

For years I have longed entry into this place just to see it, just as I have dreamed of somehow sneaking into a Mormon temple to see what I can’t see and then to hightail it out as soon as my curiosity was satisfied and I understood once and for all what the purpose of the magic underwear is. Since I haven’t sent of a letter of intent to get on the decade long waiting list and I know no one who is a member I may never see the inside of Club 33.

However, the other night I dreamt of Club 33. I was there with my husband( only it wasn’t He-weasel, in dreams you can by bigamous without any legal ramifications) and another couple( I think they were my sister, that I don’t really have, and her husband). We went to the door of Club 33 to get a membership. I had a bag of stickers that said Club 33 on them and I had a Club 33 dog collar. This, in the dream, was given to me by another of my sister’s and was proof of my eligibility to join the club. I showed it to the girl at the desk. She went away and came back. She said that my husband and I were eligible and that for $75 we could be members( which is almost $13,000 off the regular price). I explained to the woman that my sister was also a member of the church(it felt as if I was saying she was a Mormon. which in the dream I seemed to be). All four of us pulled out our credit cards to pay for entry. We were all delighted that for such a small price we could be members of this exclusive club.

Well, this e-ticket of a dream was too good not to take to Igor. First of all Igor was intrigued that I had dreamt of both Six Flags Magic Mountain and Disneyland in the course of a single week. Both places are for amusement and both are places that promise “Magic”.

Igor strongly believes that this dream has to do with publishing, as publishing would be the happiest place on earth for me, and oh, sweet Mickey Mouse, do I hope he is right. Publishing is a secret society of which only the select few gain admission and the price for admission is steep and even if you are willing to pay it one might have to wait for many years to gain entry to the club of the published because it is a “Small publishing world after all.”

He also thinks that it is not so much being in Club 33 or getting into a Mormon temple but rather getting past the threshold of those who cannot enter and he equates this with publishing. See, he believes that the important part of publishing for me is to be accepted by the authorities and not so much what comes after that. As, I don’t really care about staying at Club 33, I just want to get in and see what it’s like. I don’t have much fantasy of what will happen after I publish I just want to get in the club.

What gets me into this club, in the dream? I have been given a dog collar and stickers by my sister. What the heck does that mean? Well since I really have no Mormon sister who is a member of Club 33, I think the dream is trying to say that the way I will gain access to the place I have always wanted to go is through feminine relatedness, something very close to me and it is not through money but through identification that I will get in. The dog collar is worn for identification. The stickers show belonging. I gain entry into a place that has a very high price of entry and I have to pay a low price to enter it. Pretty nice. I only hope the dream is right.

Now, let me get all conspiracy theory on you. Disneyland’s Club 33….33…well, the highest order of the Masons is the 33 degree initiation. Christ died when he was 33. Harry Truman was the 33rd President of the United States and he was from Missouri. Walt Disney was from Missouri ( or as I like to call it, Mouse-souri) and many people believe Disney was a 33rd degree Mason. Many claim that Joseph Smith got the rituals for the Mormon Church from the Masons. I am just saying….

*** I am away from home until Tuesday night. I am not sure if I will have access to the internet. If you don’t see me here or on your blog, please understand why. Thanks!***

In my dreams I went to Igor’s house

I didn’t give Igor time to ask me how I was. I jumped right in. I had things to discuss and only 50 minutes to do it in.

“I dreamt about you last night,” I told him as if I was telling him I had a present for him.
“It’s about time,” he laughed gleefully.
“I knew you’d love it that I dreamt about you. “
He laughed his Igor laugh.
“And, even when I don’t dream about you somehow you make it all about you. Maybe, because this one is about you, you will say it is really about my mother.” I said jokingly even as I knew that he has read “Wit and the unconscious” by Freud and that meant he knew there was truth to my joke.
“Go ahead”, he instructed me.

“I am driving around Valencia. I am on the back side of Magic Mountain. It is a side that I have never seen before. I didn’t even know it existed. I drive up to your house, to the back of the house. I go into an apartment attached to the house, a big white two-story house. I walk into the apartment and I go out through the front door down the stairs. From the stairs I can see you through a window. You are building a wooden weight bench. There is wood all over the office. It is a mess. I see you lying on the wooden bench, so as to test it. I laugh. Something about this strikes me funny. It doesn’t seem like you, woodworking and weightlifting. I realize that my session is soon and I wonder how you will clean it all up before my session begins.

I enter your home, where your office is. I lie on a couch in your office. This couch is right up against a wall made of windows. Your in a chair right behind me, you are so close. There is no evidence of the weight bench or the mess or the wood that had cluttered your office just moments ago as this is a different room. You tell me in a curt way to never go through the apartment again. You tell me that it was your office but you had given it to your wife for a photographic studio(I got an image in my mind that your wife looks like Shohreh Aghdashloo who played the wife of Ben Kinsley in the House of Sand and Fog). I got upset by the way you said that to me. It seems parental and sharp.”

“I got up and walked out of your office. I leave expecting you will walk after me and try and stop me. But you don’t. I stand in an anteroom and look at papers on a desk. I see a condolence card laying on top of a stack of papers. I think that this means that a professor that we both know has died. I go into a waiting room and put on my white Converse tennis shoes on my bare feet and I wait for you to come and get me. I see you walk into the room where you had been constructing the weight bench. You come out of the room and stand in the anteroom. You say to me “I am not a behavioral therapist. I cannot deal with your behavior.”

He loved the “I am not a behavioral therapist. I cannot deal with your behavior” line.
“I am funny in your dream.” Igor said.
“I made you that way.” I explained so as to remind him that it was my psyche and not his that made the joke.

Igor said excitedly, “You are quite intuitive. “
I wondered what I got right. Is he really married to Shoreh?
“I used to be very into weight lifting when I was young. It was my hobby.”
“Oh”, I answered unimpressed by my intuition.

“And, wood, you like wood very much. Don’t you?” Igor asked.
“Yeah, trees. I love trees. To be at home I have to have trees.”
“Trees and space and room to create” he paused as if he was trying to make sense of it but it instead sounded like poetry.
Finally finishing the sentence, “… these are the things you want”, he asked.
“I do.” I answered

“So, what do you see in this dream? Igor asked me mining for more material.
“I see that I have gotten to a new place. I am on the other side of where I was. I have made a new discovery. I am in a place that I didn’t even know existed.”
“Magic Mountain” Igor laughed. “You know, I have been there. It hasn’t been for a lot of years. But I have been there. There are some terrifying rides there.”
I create a picture in my head of Igor in his black turtleneck, wool trousers and Gucci loafers standing in line to ride the Colossus. It is an image even more humorous than imagining him as a young gym rat.

“There is a lot about closeness and distance in this dream. In the dream I am now close to you. You no longer have to drive to Beverly Hills. I have come to you. I am where you live.”
He said it in such a way that it seemed the symbolism of this ought to be obvious only I didn’t get it.

“And you are close to me in the office. Extremely close to me. Everything feels close in this office. The window, the couch, the chair and you.” I said as a means of amplifying the closeness theme.
“At first I am very close to you and then I say something wrong and the closeness is lost and then there is distance between us,” he reiterated.

My mind wandered, “I go through the apartment and you are in the house and you don’t want me in the apartment. Jeeze, I wonder what that is about? You want me in a house, where the roots are; where the wood is. You want me to be in a permanent place.”
“It is not the house I want for you. What I want for you is to be free of the ideal that one place exists that is going to be without challenges, grief, and loss ” he explained.
I uh-huhed him. I wanted to get back to the dream and away from previously discussed material, the clock was ticking.

We both quietly searched our minds for more meaning. The more we worked at it the more confused I found myself.
“And,” Igor reminded me, “you call it an apartment not a guest house. An apartment is something temporary, transitory, something you are going through and yet it is a longer stay than a guest house. Then, after you go through the “apartment” you come down to where I am in the house….you have quickly gone through the transitional into the rooted.”
He could see in my avoidance of eye contact that I had nothing to add to that.

“The house has two stories. What are the stories of the house?” Igor asked.
Again I had no answer. It was only while driving home that the “two stories” of the house came to mind. The two stories are: my infertility story and my mother story and the attached apartment is “Thursday’s with Igor.” The attached apartment is the studio where I am developing, editing, working on creating something new. It is not a place to stay. It is a place where I spend 50 minutes a week working and then I leave.

My mind moved to the homonym of the dream, “There is the weight room and the waiting room. You are in the weight room. You are where the heavy lifting happens. You are building a place where that can happen. I am waiting for you to come get me.”
Igor answered, “But, I don’t. Rather I come from the weight room into the waiting room and reproach you when it is you who should have reproached me.”
I am not sure what he means. Why should I have reproached him? For making me wait?

Igor offered,”It seems to me that this dream is indicating a movement towards a very positive masculine. This is a balanced masculine. And, the wife, tell me about her?”
“She is really beautiful. Have you seen “the House of Sand and Fog?” I ask.
“No.”
“You should. It is a beautiful film and it is loaded with stuff about the significance of house on identity. I think you’d like it. ” I suggest.
“Anyways, the woman who plays Ben Kinsley’s wife is really beautiful and in the dream she is your wife. Well done, you.” I congratulate him.
“There is space for both my “wife” and I to create in this house. Often in a marriage there isn’t enough space for what is required to be truly creative. But, this inner masculine and feminine have room to create.”
“They do.”
Hearing this I realize how I have so much space in my life here in Valencia for writin
g. I have never had as much space for it. Even when I had my Virgina Wolf room of my own in Lake Bluff I did not have the emotional space or creative energy I have had since living here. I hated to admit it so I didn’t.

“And, the death of the professor?” he asked.
“Well, in the dream, I assume the condolences card is about him as he has been so sick. You know, this professor, he wouldn’t know me if he saw me but when I heard he was sick I was truly sad. He is this great mix of intellect and feeling. So often one is lost at the expense of another.”
“….a kind of death?” Igor asked.
“I guess.” It seemed like a bit if a reach but I could see what he was saying.

“How about the shoes?”
“Um, uh……well, they are Converse, they are shoes I would never wear to see you. They feel too casual. I would never wear them here. And, if I was barefoot I guess the shoes were making it possible for me to go outside.”
I imagined myself trying to get those shoes on. I always have a hard time getting them on and they are not very comfortable. I didn’t share those associations with him. I wondered why not.
Perhaps I am willing to show him a part of myself that up until now didn’t feel good enough.

“This” Igor said, “Has been a very illuminating dream.”
I was happy to hear that he thought so only I still felt a bit in the dark.

As I drove home I wondered how you get to the other side of the mountain and what was there. There has to be another side. There is another side to everything. I looked it up on a map and it seems that there is nothing on the other side of the Magic Mountain. Isn’t there a song about a bear and a mountain and how there was nothing there on the other side? Maybe I should tell Igor about there being nothing there and about the bear song. But as he seems to know very little about popular culture I would likely have to sing him the whole song and letting him hear my voice would be worse than letting him see my Converse. Oh, “converse”, now I get it.

Converse(1):
intr. verb:

  1. To engage in a spoken exchange of thoughts, ideas, or feelings; talk.
  2. Archaic. To be familiar; associate.

noun:

  1. Spoken interchange of thoughts and feelings; conversation.
  2. Obsolete. Social interaction.

Converse (2)

adjective:

  1. Reversed in order, relation, or action.

noun:

  1. Something that has been reversed; an opposite.
  2. Logic. A proposition obtained by conversion.

About Me

My name is Tracey, aka La Belette Rouge. I am a psychotherapist and the author of Freudian Sip @ Psychology Today. I blog about psychology, my therapy, dreams, writing, meaning making, home, longing, loss, infertility and other things that delight or inspire me. I try to make deep and elusive psychodynamic concepts accessible and funny. For more information, click here .

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