I wish I could blame it on PMS, alas I cannot. I had a bit of a fierce temper tantrum on Friday night. It started when I decided to finally bite the bullet and see if our insurance covered IVF with oocyte donors. It turns out our insurance covers nothing. That means that we cannot try again.
I am as shocked as anyone that I was really considering entering the office of a Reproductive Endocrinologist again let alone start with shots, ultrasounds, and the whole roller coaster of IVF and yet seeing that the doctor last week opened the door that I was sure was permanently shut. It turns out the door wasn’t. If our insurance had covered it I would have tried again. Instead of writing this post I would be making doctors appointments, buying prenatal vitamins and researching the success rate of IVF after 40 with egg donors. As our insurance will not cover it and we don’t have an extra 35 thousand dollars lying around, I am here complaining about it.
As soon as I learned that our insurance covers nothing I found myself hating He-weasel’s company for being so stingy with their medical coverage. If they had been willing to be just a little more generous with benefits we might have a child. Because they chose to save money there is no chance that we will. It was then that I started entering tantrum territory. “I hate them, I hate them. I hate them.” Poor He-weasel tried to comfort me and then he made the minor mistake of defending his company and saying how lucky he was to have his job in the economy. True enough but not well timed.
He-weasel and I went for a walk with Lily. It started off well and I seemed to be walking off my anger at He-weasel’s company. We walked a half a block and then the tantrum began. I started thinking of a friend of mine who has everything I ever wanted. I did a compare and contrast of our lives and how everything has worked out so well for her and she got everything she has ever wanted and that nothing about her life would ever inspire a therapist to say “Oh my gosh, how did you survive all that?” Not only did she have two beautiful children but she has never suffered a trauma. That is when the “it’s not fair” started to echo in my head building like a storm.
The melt down was not terribly dramatic. Here is how it went: The “it’s not fair” began with something I said internally and then it started to sneak its way out my mouth. I said it over and over and then the sobbing and then I couldn’t walk. I stood still as if the pain of it paralyzed me. It made the pain of the ovarian cyst seem like a slight ache. I did an inventory in my mind of every unfair thing that ever happened which only exacerbated the pain.
I am old enough and, ahem, wise enough to know that life isn’t fair. Friday night I didn’t care, actually I don’t care now. I want life to be fair. Or, if it is going to be unfair I would like it to be extra kind to me as it has in my friend’s case.
I have a new list of unfairness that I am moaning over: If I hadn’t the ovarian cysts rupturing I wouldn’t have had gone to the doctor. If I didn’t go to the doctor I wouldn’t have had the idea of egg donor or embryo donor suggested. If I didn’t have the suggestion I wouldn’t have reopened the door to maybe-baby. If that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have had enough hope to check out our benefits package and find out that there is no way we can try again. If I hadn’t come to that conclusion again I wouldn’t have had the wound reopened and there would have been no melt down on the streets of Valencia.
I am going to a hand surgeon next week. I am a bit terrified what that visit may lead to. As I am in Eeyore mode I feel pretty sure he is going to tell me I need to quit typing, writing and using it to blow dry my hair and apply makeup. If I disappear all of a sudden you will know that my fear was justified.
Here is another post I wrote on the subject: The Amazing Green Hulk of Residual Estrogen and Envy.
Here is a wonderful web site that lists companies which may offer infertility benefits.
Here is a list of the Top 50 Fertility and Adoption Friendly Companies.
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