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How to write about what I feel like I can’t write about

So I’m dating. I’m dating someone I like, someone I like a lot. And we are getting to know each other and we are in that phase in which we are idealizing each other and it is a whole lot of fun. It truly doesn’t suck to be idealized. He thinks I am sweet and smart and funny and gorgeous( I’ve got him hoodwinked;-). I think he’s adorable, funny, strong and sexy( and I am totally right about this). Even though we have only gone out ten time, he knows lots about me—he knows my feelings about religion, politics and sex and he knows that we both love salmon, chocolate, Carla Bruni and my dog( I LOVE the way he says “Lily”; It is almost as cute as the way he says “smoothy”)—but he doesn’t know about you and this blog and that is a bit weird.

Truth be told, he doesn’t even know the part of me that writes this blog. The part of me that writes this blog is the sassy, strong, and opionated part of myself and that hasn’t really come out to play yet in his presence. I am showing him more the sweet, romantic and highly-feminine part of myself which is as true and vital to who I am as is the Belette Rouge part of myself.

I do have some ideas about why I am holding back on revealing the LBR side of myself. I have a little relationship PTSD. This PTSD didn’t come from my marriage. This PTSD is a bit cumalative and can’t be blamed solely one guy—-but the original wound comes from Daddy. I got the message from Daddy and other men since then that they would prefer to be the smart, strong, sassy and opionated ones and that I ought to smile and nod and agree and generally be agreeable and a great audience. I also got the message that if I dared to be smart and strong and opionated that they would likely go away. As I didn’t want Daddy and men-like-daddy to go away I learned to be a fantastic audience and mute my passions and opinions.

So, in comes the adorable, funny, strong and sexy man that I am dating who thinks I am sweet, smart, funny and gorgeous and I find that I am shy and quiet and a bit disconnected from the me that writes this blog. I almost can’t imagine that I could connect to that part of myself in his presence and I don’t know if that is more about me or about him( my guess is that it is the former). I imagine that if and when he finds this blog and reads it and hears my “voice” that he will feel surprised and he will, perhaps, struggle to reconcile the me he knows with the me that he sees here. I worry that he won’t like this me. But there is another part of me that knows that if he doesn’t like this me then he is missing out and that I want to be with someone who likes all of me.

I talk about “my adorable, funny, strong and sexy BF” a lot in therapy. My therapist and I talk about how this relationship might make me grow. It is my therapist’s opinion that a relationship  that is predictable will be one that bores me. She believes that I require a relationship that challenges me and that this variety is the only one that I can stay in. One of the things I really like about “him” is what whenever I go to a neurotic place he is a bit impatient about it and will call me on it. Recently when he was going to pick me up at the airport my flight was delayed and I was overly apologetic about it.  I apologized over and over. He stopped me, ” I chose to pick you up. I want to be here. Stop apologizing.” I was stunned. There was something so strong, mature and psychologically sophisticated about his response. I heard him and I immediately quit apologizing.  There have been other examples when I started to spin out about something and he called me on it and instead of feeling hurt, wounded or in anyway offended, I found myself desperate to kiss him. His calling me on my shit, it turns out, is a major turn on for me.

Last night we had a moment when I felt something that wasn’t “sweet, feminine or agreeable”. I had an opinion. I had a feeling that wasn’t in alignment with his action. He could see it. “Are you mad?” he asked. “No,” I insisted. At the time I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t. But with 12 hours to consider I am convinced that I was not mad. What I was would be better described as disappointed.  So this morning I texted him and told him my opinion. I told him how I felt. I sent the text over four hours ago and I have yet to hear back from him. I am telling myself that I haven’t heard back from because he has a VERY busy Monday. I am telling myself that he can tolerate me having feelings. I am telling myself that if he can’t then it is better to know now. I am telling myself that no matter what happens I will be okay. And while self-talk is all well and good I would prefer to hear all of this from him. Um, “Adorable, funny, strong and sexy BF”, if you are reading this would you call me and tell me you understand; thanks.

Photo by Cindy Sherman, “Untitled #90“.

17 Responses to “How to write about what I feel like I can’t write about”


  • Lesson I’ve learned. If they like you as the person you truly are, great. If they like you for the person they want you to be, sorry boutcha.
    Big props to you for being brave as always.
    xoxoxo

  • “Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” Dr. Seuss

  • Can’t help but wonder how you would feel if you’re the one to discover another side to him? Maybe he’s a blogger, or a Trekky, or a … I don’t know, something totally distant from the strong sexy image you have of him. I wonder how you’d feel then, and if you think, “well I’d still be just as attracted to him”, then maybe that’s how he’ll feel about you, the day someone sends him a link to la belette!
    Just a thought
    x
    PS Haven’t been over for ages, sorry! Your writing is still as wonderful as ever :)

  • Hey, Belette, if he’s as direct as you say, he just might help you get some of your fear under control. Or to express your opinions in a way that works for your relationship. Just sayin, don’t write him off yet!

  • Try not to read anything into this, take a deep breath and wait and see what happens (of course you’re probably already doing this).

  • hello: my fellow shrink and i have awarded you the Versatile Blogger Award. you may accept or not….details are here:

    http://pocketshrink.blogspot.com/2011/10/versatile-blogger-award.html

  • Hugs. I know that feeling, when a relationship is new and it feels like any difference in opinion might push things the wrong way. But, at the same time, he has to know all of you. The confident, sassy part too.

    And I have a feeling, since he sounds pretty awesome, he’ll be OK with that part of you. :) Hold on tight!

  • Ah, relationship management… I guess you can’t have the idealization without the flipside :-)

  • Perhaps like LBR, he needed to think a bit on it before responding…

  • I’m surprised by this post. I would think most men would find it cool to read the opinions and stories of someone they liked and were dating. I would think the bigger problem is if you start to write details of the dates, because whatever you say about the relationship will never quite match his own view of things, and that may cause some discomfort. But I would go and tell him about it. The days of blogs being scandalous are over. Most of us know that a strong voice in writing doesn’t mean overly-opinionated in real life.

  • I hope he’ll realize the strong and opinionated you is as sexy as the sweet and feminine you. In the end, all we want is for others to love us as we are. You are demonstrating the other side of you slowly which is good, as I think he really has to know it now or sometime… And yes darling, it’s a BUSY Monday.

    Adorable, funny, strong and sexy BF, what’s your number (or FB profile)? I have a blog to introduce you to ;-)

  • Ah, us women are a crazy bunch.

    Was your opinion about cooking? Wine? Shoes? Nose hairs? Maybe he’s mulling over your opinion before responding…or too tired to start an argument. Conflict + Men = Skid Marks

    I’m sure you’ll hear from him…and men like dimension. Your voice on LBR is another dimension of you. It keeps things interesting.

    I’m guessing he’s tired, or you’ll be hearing from him after dinner.

    Good Luck and glad to hear you have an “adorable, funny, strong and sexy” BF.

  • A difference of opinion, or even an argument doesn’t need to mean the end of a relationship, not even an incipient one. As nice as the first “butterflies in the stomach”stage is, I find that the best part is the comfort and the calm happiness that comes from knowing that the person that is with us knows us at our best, at our medium and at our worst, and chooses to stay. And to reach that point, you need to be open about who you are. Because, besides, you (the whole of you) is awesome!

  • I’m pleased to meet you Tracey. From what you write here there are themes we share in common, Tracey, though our lives could not be much further apart – geographically age-wise etc.

    And what’s that about the way your Daddy gets in the way of your confidence in yourself? And influences your choice in partners. Don’t tell me. I know already – a familiar theme in my life too.

    Wonderful writing here. I look forward to reading more.

  • There really isn’t anything quite like the initial thrill and rush of a new romantic relationship. There are other cool things that follow, but still nothing is quite like the first several months or years.

    Having said that, I know you want to be able to be 100% Tracey, sharing all of the facets with him; I also hear the fear. (It is kind of loud.) I know you will get there in your own time, not before, I just feel like you might be almost there.

    Sending you a smile and a hug,
    tp

  • Sometimes it is good to just hear someone tell you to “get over yourself”!!! If you want him to love all that is you, you are going to have to let him in to all that is you, and that includes LB. If he doesn’t like it or love you more, his loss. He isn’t Daddy, and you are so easily loveable! :) xoxo

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About Me

My name is Tracey, aka La Belette Rouge. I am a psychotherapist and the author of Freudian Sip @ Psychology Today. I blog about psychology, my therapy, dreams, writing, meaning making, home, longing, loss, infertility and other things that delight or inspire me. I try to make deep and elusive psychodynamic concepts accessible and funny. For more information, click here .
These blog posts are informational only and not meant to replace individual psychotherapy, counseling or medical advice. If you are in need of help, reaching out to a professional may help you decide how to proceed or how to find the care you need. For a referral, contact

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