So I’m dating. I’m dating someone I like, someone I like a lot. And we are getting to know each other and we are in that phase in which we are idealizing each other and it is a whole lot of fun. It truly doesn’t suck to be idealized. He thinks I am sweet and smart and funny and gorgeous( I’ve got him hoodwinked;-). I think he’s adorable, funny, strong and sexy( and I am totally right about this). Even though we have only gone out ten time, he knows lots about me—he knows my feelings about religion, politics and sex and he knows that we both love salmon, chocolate, Carla Bruni and my dog( I LOVE the way he says “Lily”; It is almost as cute as the way he says “smoothy”)—but he doesn’t know about you and this blog and that is a bit weird.
Truth be told, he doesn’t even know the part of me that writes this blog. The part of me that writes this blog is the sassy, strong, and opionated part of myself and that hasn’t really come out to play yet in his presence. I am showing him more the sweet, romantic and highly-feminine part of myself which is as true and vital to who I am as is the Belette Rouge part of myself.
I do have some ideas about why I am holding back on revealing the LBR side of myself. I have a little relationship PTSD. This PTSD didn’t come from my marriage. This PTSD is a bit cumalative and can’t be blamed solely one guy—-but the original wound comes from Daddy. I got the message from Daddy and other men since then that they would prefer to be the smart, strong, sassy and opionated ones and that I ought to smile and nod and agree and generally be agreeable and a great audience. I also got the message that if I dared to be smart and strong and opionated that they would likely go away. As I didn’t want Daddy and men-like-daddy to go away I learned to be a fantastic audience and mute my passions and opinions.
So, in comes the adorable, funny, strong and sexy man that I am dating who thinks I am sweet, smart, funny and gorgeous and I find that I am shy and quiet and a bit disconnected from the me that writes this blog. I almost can’t imagine that I could connect to that part of myself in his presence and I don’t know if that is more about me or about him( my guess is that it is the former). I imagine that if and when he finds this blog and reads it and hears my “voice” that he will feel surprised and he will, perhaps, struggle to reconcile the me he knows with the me that he sees here. I worry that he won’t like this me. But there is another part of me that knows that if he doesn’t like this me then he is missing out and that I want to be with someone who likes all of me.
I talk about “my adorable, funny, strong and sexy BF” a lot in therapy. My therapist and I talk about how this relationship might make me grow. It is my therapist’s opinion that a relationship that is predictable will be one that bores me. She believes that I require a relationship that challenges me and that this variety is the only one that I can stay in. One of the things I really like about “him” is what whenever I go to a neurotic place he is a bit impatient about it and will call me on it. Recently when he was going to pick me up at the airport my flight was delayed and I was overly apologetic about it. I apologized over and over. He stopped me, ” I chose to pick you up. I want to be here. Stop apologizing.” I was stunned. There was something so strong, mature and psychologically sophisticated about his response. I heard him and I immediately quit apologizing. There have been other examples when I started to spin out about something and he called me on it and instead of feeling hurt, wounded or in anyway offended, I found myself desperate to kiss him. His calling me on my shit, it turns out, is a major turn on for me.
Last night we had a moment when I felt something that wasn’t “sweet, feminine or agreeable”. I had an opinion. I had a feeling that wasn’t in alignment with his action. He could see it. “Are you mad?” he asked. “No,” I insisted. At the time I wasn’t sure that I wasn’t. But with 12 hours to consider I am convinced that I was not mad. What I was would be better described as disappointed. So this morning I texted him and told him my opinion. I told him how I felt. I sent the text over four hours ago and I have yet to hear back from him. I am telling myself that I haven’t heard back from because he has a VERY busy Monday. I am telling myself that he can tolerate me having feelings. I am telling myself that if he can’t then it is better to know now. I am telling myself that no matter what happens I will be okay. And while self-talk is all well and good I would prefer to hear all of this from him. Um, “Adorable, funny, strong and sexy BF”, if you are reading this would you call me and tell me you understand; thanks.
Photo by Cindy Sherman, “Untitled #90“.