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I was wrong

I don’t even know how to communicate to you how WILD it is to be here. Something about coming back to La Belette Rouge makes me so very aware of how very much my life has changed. I actually don’t like that last sentence as it makes it sound like the change happened to me and I didn’t make the changes. I am keenly aware of how I have changed my life and I am still doing so. And, let me just gloat for a minute, I LOVE my life. I LOVE it. Sure I am tired and overwhelmed and ocassionally scared and unsure, but I LOVE my life.

It has been six months since I left my marriage and let me take this blog post to explore some of my accomplishments, transformations and milestones during the last six months:

1. In the last six months I went from a VERY tiny workload( 2-3 clients a week) to working close to 50-hours a week. I had believed and would have adamantly told you that I wasn’t constitutionally capable of working so hard. I believed that 20-hours a week was my max and even then I would be EXHASUTED. I would have told you that I was a low energy person. I had this compelling argument about how as a therapist 20 hours a week is as much as one should work because it is emotionally demanding. Wrong!!! The more I do the more I can do. That said, I am kind of tired. Nine hour days are hard and harder still due to the three-hour-a-day commute.

2. I am still LOVING running, high-heels, and dresses.  These three things are often what keep my going when I am tired and would rather stay in bed. Running is when I tend to feel my strongest and freest( two of my favorite qualities). I am still recreating my new-life wardrobe and I have developed a bit of a Diane Von Furstenberg dress addiction. I will post pictures of my last three purchases. I am wanting, at this point in my life, only wanting to wear dresses. I am liking being girly and I love how dresses allow me to just throw them on and look put together.  I know that the gray dress looks kind of ordinary in the photo but it looks MUCH better on. And that first DVF dress looks AMAZING on. If I could I would wear it everyday—however it is a little too memorable for everyday use. And heels? yes, I still am wearing them and I don’t care if they are a crutch or a symbol of a midlife crisis; I love them.

3. I have been able to take care of myself. I have done all kinds of things I NEVER thought I could do. I get my own gas. I have bought tires. I have gotten the oil changed. I installed a DVD player. I manage to do my own laundry and go to the grocery store after working ALL day long. I am sure you have been doing that for years but for me this is all new stuff and I am proud of myself. I am REALLY proud of how I have gone way beyond surviving. I believe that I am thriving. And I believe that I was lying to myself for years about my inability. I tell you this not to berate myself but to perhaps inspire you to ask you if you are someway not seeing all that you are capable of. You and me and everyone are all capable of MUCH more than we think we are.

4. I’m dating and I like it. Dating can be fun. I didn’t ever imagine I would say that again. And I never imagined that there would ever experience another “first kiss”; I was wrong again. I am reading a wonderful book on relationship that is protecting me from repeating old patterns, “The Eden Project: In Search of the Magical Other“. It is a must read for anyone dating or who has a danger to idealize the Other as the answer to all your prayers( those in search of a Soul Mate must read this book).

5. I am planning upcoming trips to Paris, Chicago and Portland, Oregon. None of these trips are particularly “weird”. What is weird is that I have absolutely no interest in visiting Lake Forest or Bluff when I am back in Chicago. Can you believe it??????

6. I learned that I love Whole Foods Golden Soy Tofu.  I thought I hated tofu; I don’t hate it. I actually make special trips just to stock up on tofu. Who the hell am I?????? I have decided that I don’t know what I like and that I am going to approach the world and my preferences with an attitude of curiosity.


7. I have, thanks to my gorgeous and generous friend, Cynthia, discovered my Holy Grail fragrance. My signature perfume of this time in my life is Carnal Flower by Dominique Ropion for Frederik Malle. Every time I spray this fragrance on I am reminded of my boldness, strength, femininity, power and willingness to risk. It’s an unusual for a fragrance to serve as a mirror but yet it is doing just that. I wish I could scent this post with a few spritzes—-it is GORGEOUS.  A man who recently hugged me told me that I smell like a very expensive Indian Goddess. I am not sure what it means but I liked hearing it.

8.I got hair and lash extensions. Silly? Maybe. But its fun. I like not having to wear mascara and I like having long and thick hair; it’s fun and  sometimes fun is enough reason to do something.  Want to see my new hair and lashes? Here is a picture:

9. I have during the last six months felt continually grateful that I live in L.A. and that I didn’t ever get pregnant. This is miraculous and reminds me of how we never know how something will workout in the long run. I think so often of what Truman Capote said, ” ‘More tears are shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones.’

10. I haven’t had a lot of time for writing or thinking or blogging and that is sad. But it does feel important during this phase of my life to put the blogging and over-thinking on hold. That said, I so miss you all. I miss your blogs, your comments and *seeing* you as much as I used to. Almost daily I will think of you all and wish that there were more hours in the day.

 

42 Responses to “I was wrong”


  • you are rocking it so hard!!!! you sound amazing and i am so stoked for you!!!!

  • You sound like you are exactly where you need to be. Yay you!! Your hair extensions look great, too.

  • Wow… reading all this in one sitting makes me realize how *very* much you have accomplished. Intellectually I know most of it (hadn’t seen all the DVF tho’, love every piece!) but on an emotional level this really resonates Miss LBR.

    And you look just lovely as can be, good on you! Sending you a smile, and a hug,
    tp

  • I believe an “I told you so” is in order. (heehee!) congratulations on all your joys and successes!

  • Well, belle Belette, I always knew that you were a brave weasel – So proud of you that you have come through so much in so short a space in time and that you have grown in strength and personal insight.

    How very brave and fabulous you are!

    Much love,

    Fhina (who is now on her own therapy journey as well as training to be a Psychotherapist, oddly and co-incidentally enough!) xxx

  • Oh, so glad to hear all of this happiness! Hooray and rock on (and I look forward to seeing you soon)!

    Take care and cheers,

    Anna

  • It’s so good to hear your news, and even better to hear how good things are for you! Wonderful, wonderful news, and how fantastic you’re looking too xx Much love from us xx

  • It is great to see you and see you happy LBR. I always miss u. I believe that most independent women are happy…sending you and Lilly love always. xo

  • We never know what’s exhausting until we truly extend ourselves.

  • I have checked your blog every few days and was so happy to see a posting. I think we women are always surprised at how strong we are when we have to be. I sure was. Keep on growing!

  • *stands up and applauds*

  • Wow, your story is amazing and wonderful. Congratulations, and thanks for sharing your news, even if you need to do it only once in a while.

  • I think it’s so true that the more we do, the more we can do (and enjoy doing). How terrific that you are embracing all of this activity and newness.

  • Wow, it’s amazing how much your life has changed—for one thing I can’t believe you actually love living in LA!!! Though if I did, while working for one of the studios, I’m sure I would too.

    So glad you are finally coming into your own power!!! xx

  • I kinda miss you too. I liked the girl. I’ve not heard enough about the woman to know about her yet….

  • I am thrilled that you have found such a happy place to thrive!! Celebrating you!!

  • hostess of the humble bungalow

    You do sound happy!
    I love that you are loving your life right now…

    Your photo shows a twinkle in your eye and that sweet smile shows a very relaxed woman.

    I’d love to have a sniff of that scent! It sounds exotic!

  • Hey barbie doll! MAJOR changes going on there, and glad you’re rocking each one. That wrap dress, I can only dream *swoon*.

    Good job, Rubes! (I don’t know why I still call you this, it’s like the energy of the gem has all your qualities more than the physical appearance itself.)

  • hi tracey…it’s good to ‘read’ you again and hear all the wonderful things that are coming to you in your new way of being in the world….it’s fabulous you have taken life, wrung it out and gone back for more….at least, that’s what i am hearing…;)
    anyway, my dear, be well and no worries, ‘we’ are always around. much love to you xoxoxoxo

  • What you’re doing looks great on you. And it sounds wonderful, too.

  • This is a very inspiring post. I am also experiencing some rapid changes after feeling for a long time that I was slowly digging myself out of a rut. I can relate to that feeling of being surprised at what one likes or wants. Hmm, and I think I need to read that book you mentioned, though it scares me a bit.

    I’m glad you’re feeling energized and free. Those are the best feelings.

  • I am tearing up. I am so so SO happy and excited for you. If anyone deserves a fabulous life, it’s you. :) I just want to hug you silly.

  • I love it.. I am so happy for you .. and I am jealous too… xx

  • I am so glad you are doing so well and you look amazing! xx

  • So great to see a post from you my friend!! And so happy to read that things are going well … You look absolutely gorgeous with your hair and lashes .. your smile says it all!! ~ I hope you come back to posting again soon … I’m certain your blog focus will also be changing to better fit the “NEW YOU” {I’m slowly … but more visibly seeing the new me emerging too! and it is a fabulous feeling)…and it may be easier to get back to it.

    Ah Paris … how I’m dreaming of a return trip …wishing many wonderful adventures … and Lilly too!! xo HHL

  • Sounds like phase one of world domination plan B has been completed. Kudos!

  • glad to hear you are still enjoying your new life, discovering new joys and exploring your new world! xoxo and take care lady!

  • When my divorce happened, I was shocked, devistated, etc. I look at that time now and it is a gift. I got “myself” back. No compromises, no having to be or do things that weren’t me… A GIFT!
    Sounds like you’re experiencing that gift you gave yourself.
    Positive Post, keep up the good work.

  • Hi Tracey, you look so pretty and happy and confident and I’m so proud of you! xoxo

  • So glad to see your update. It’s very interesting to see how your writing changes with your new-found voice….and I truly hope you keep writing.

  • I’m very glad to hear you are happy.

  • There now, you have gone and done it AGAIN…You’ve inspired me! Way to go…my friend! Hugs and much love to you.

    L

  • Don’t think that I’d forgotten you; I’ve lurked and rooting for your recovery & bliss & much success. By measures suggested in your items 6, 5, 4 in that order, you are indubitably on your way ;-) !

  • It is such a privilege to see your transformation. I am tickled that you gave this post the tag “quotidien” — there is nothing quotidian, ordinary, everyday about it (unless it’s the joy and energy you now have every day as you direct your life as you do now)! This is the record of a huge and wonderful transformation. I think your posts during this time, just as much as any other reading, will help you keep from repeating old and destructive patterns. I am very happy for you and inspired by you.

  • I enjoy sharing your transformation from afar. I’ve gone through a seachange myself and though there were some storms and waves along the way, I am happier than ever. And more than ever the true me. Divorcing after 28 years of marriage was quite a deal but I am thankful, now, for the experience. Keep on keepin’ on woman!

  • You sound very happy, which is wonderful. You look beautiful with your new hair, and I respect and admire all the things you do for yourself.

  • So great you finally wrote a post to check in, I was beginning to worry a bit. Sounds like you’re having fun, which is super. Being free from expectations and plans; long-term, short-term,…is making you move faster through the healing process. I envy you this ability to fearlessly walk into the unknown.

  • Tracy, you have great taste in dresses (esp the last one!) and your holy grail fragrance is one I need to check out. Glad for the visit, change is a good thing, thanks for the reminder! xoxo

  • You look so different, much much younger. I am delighted to hear that things are going well and appalled to say I have never put petrol in my own car.

  • Lovely, inspiring, encouraging….love hearing about your lessons from the last six months. I relate to many of the former fears you experienced and are now overcoming. So proud of you and your experience uplifts all of us. ♥

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About Me

My name is Tracey, aka La Belette Rouge. I am a psychotherapist and the author of Freudian Sip @ Psychology Today. I blog about psychology, my therapy, dreams, writing, meaning making, home, longing, loss, infertility and other things that delight or inspire me. I try to make deep and elusive psychodynamic concepts accessible and funny. For more information, click here .
These blog posts are informational only and not meant to replace individual psychotherapy, counseling or medical advice. If you are in need of help, reaching out to a professional may help you decide how to proceed or how to find the care you need. For a referral, contact

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