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Monthly Archive for May, 2011

I get knocked down but I…

Published on May 30, 2011 in Quotidien. 34 Comments

I had another spill. My latest fall came on Wednesday when I was dancing like I was Madonna/Britney/Beyonce on my new Urban Rebounder, which unbeknownst to me was defective and completely unstable, and as I was dropping it like it was hot the rebounder dropped me and I went down ass over teakettle. But here is the interesting part, as soon as I hit the ground I immediately got up and set the rebounder right and got right back up and started dancing my ass off again like nothing had happened. It was only when my workout was over that I noticed I had skinned my knee so bad that there was blood and that there was also significant swelling. I tell you this not to engender boo-boo kissing but to illustrate how far I have come. Yeah, I fell down and I got back up again and I even laughed at myself for my klutziness and my relentlessness in the name of shaking it like a Polaroid picture.

There have been, I can assure you, PLENTY of ups and downs in this last month. There have been enough downs that a lesser me might have just chose to stay down. I, however, don’t feel like I have the luxury of staying down. I have to get up because if I don’t there is no one there to take care of me as I luxuriate in my misery. And it is sort of fantastic to not have that luxury. It makes me think of little kids who fall down and are able to shake off their shame and pain and get back to the business of play at hand. I have, truth be told, never been that kind of kid. Only now I am.

Things that have helped me endure this month:

1. Bernadette

Or, as I should call her, St. Bernadette of Perfect Friendship. Thank you Bernadette for being the kind of friend one needs in a crisis… completely accepting, loving, tolerant, patient, and requiring me to be nowhere or nothing other than I am.

2. Therapy

No, I really can’t afford to go twice a week. But this month I had to make that happen. Therapy, for this month, has been more of a storage unit for my pain and not so much about insight or change. Insight and change will come.

3. Having Lily

Having Lily with me has been big. I feel MUCH less alone. And just seeing her furry face makes me happy. Feeling happy is a feeling that I need more of.

4. Being busy at work

OMG. This one is BIG. I am so grateful for work. I am so grateful to be working so much and so hard that when I get home that I feel nothing but tired.

5. ThinkThin bars

If I didn’t have these to eat then there are days that I wouldn’t have eaten for far too long and I would likely be falling with much greater frequency. I love the chocolate fudge ones.

6. The Real Housewives of ___________

This TV series is a godsend on really hard days. Nothing, not even meditation, cocktails or Ativan can get me out of my head like an hour of this show that features unpresedented bat shit craziness. Thank you, Bravo. Thank you women of Atlanta, New Jersey, New York and Beverly Hills for making me feel better off than you.

7. L’Occitane’s almond line

This may sound stupid but having the almond shower oil and then the cream and body oil to use everyday makes me feel like things aren’t so bad. It is strange that these three products can buoy my spirits.  I think it has something to do with them feeling so luxurious and not something I really need. Taking the time to use them makes me feel like I am taking good care of myself.

8. My mother

I can’t tell you how amazing my mother has been. She truly has. This one may be the most disorienting and wonderful surprise.  I actually look forward to calling her. And some days I call her several times a day. I know!

9. KDAY

I have moved on from last months mix of Britney, Sade and Julio Iglesias to all rap all the time. Not sure why rap is proving to be the soundtrack of my life at the moment and yet I am grateful to have it. Perhaps it is hard to take anything too seriously when I am singing along to songs about players and ballers and gangsters.

10. Doppio Machiatto with extra foam and two packets of raw sugar

I need at least one of these a day to get me through hard times. Two would be preferable. And please don’t skimp on the foam.

 

Not a straight line

Published on May 10, 2011 in Quotidien. 52 Comments

I’m feeling a bit shaken, if I am going to be entirely honest and if I am not going to be entirely honest there feels no point in writing about it. It started on Thursday when I went for a run and I was feeling strong and brave and free and I was running like Wonder Woman on her way to save a burning building or a dude in distress and then I tripped and I fell. I fell hard. It was the kind of fell where I started imagining how the paramedics would find me and who I would call from the hospital to tell I fell. After a few minutes on the ground I realized that I had not in fact broken my hip and that I could get up even though it really hurt to do so. When I did manage to move from horizontal to vertical I discovered that I was bleeding and there was a good amount of it coming from my elbow, it was nothing that required but stitches but it was still bleeding and it hurt and there was no one to turn to. As I began my walk home I began to cry. I cried for reasons unclear to me. I cried, likely, because I was in pain. I cried, I think, because I was feeling vulnerable and alone and realized that when I got home there would be no one to care that I fell or that I was bleeding. I cried because I had no Bactine or band-aids and that after I got home I would likely have to get in my car and drive to the store.

After I managed to get the wound clean and look at the formidable bruise that was forming on my hip I found myself longing to have someone I care about care that I had had this moment. No, it wasn’t a big moment. I didn’t need to go to the hospital. I didn’t need x-rays or stitches. But I did need a little love. Metaphorically I needed my boo-boo kissed. My mind turned to a friend that I can count on and I reached out to this friend in an email asking for a little bit of sympathy. Sadly this friend was going through trauma too and so wasn’t available to my mini-melt-down.

Ever since the fall I have been in a good bit of pain. Every time I move my arm I am reminded of my spill. Every time I go to sit down or stand up and I feel the pain I am reminded of my vulnerability that this fall evoked in me. Today was the first day that I dared to take a run( the hip pain is almost gone) and the entire time I ran I found myself feeling vulnerable and somewhat anxious that I just might fall again. I managed to make it my usual distance in my usual time without falling or hurting myself in any other way. Even so, I didn’t feel strong or free or powerful as I ran, I felt scared and vulnerable and more than a little alone. And even as I am fine and unhurt and unscathed I find that I am in tears again and wanting my metaphorical boo-boo kissed.

About Me

My name is Tracey, aka La Belette Rouge. I am a psychotherapist and the author of Freudian Sip @ Psychology Today. I blog about psychology, my therapy, dreams, writing, meaning making, home, longing, loss, infertility and other things that delight or inspire me. I try to make deep and elusive psychodynamic concepts accessible and funny. For more information, click here .

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