Remember the post, the one from a few days ago, the one I was whinging about not having any dreams. In terms of daytime dreams I am still without one. Writing a book, having a baby, or moving to Chicago have not been replaced with the desire to open a tea shop or take up Bikram yoga. However in terms of night time dreams I have had two.
Dream number one was a bit on the X-rated side. I won’t go into lurid detail. I will just tell you that Javier Bardem and I were doing things that birds and bees and educated fleas do. What felt important in this dream was the level of connection Javier and I had. And Javier’s instructions to me felt VERY important. Javier was very keen on me “opening up to him”. It seemed that he was trying to open me up so he could fill me up(metaphorically). Please, stay with the metaphor—this isn’t about sex, it’s about metaphor—really. In the dream it felt like Javier and I were very connected and I trusted him and I did open up to him. I told Igor all of these associations.
Igor, not surprisingly, had no idea who Javier Bardem is. Igor also has never heard of Sesame Street or Sex in the City. So,as usual, I had some ‘splainin to do. I told him Javier was an actor and famous and sexy and beautiful. I also told Igor that Javier wasn’t my ideal. I wouldn’t even consider him a favorite. I further tried to explain who he is by saying that he was the Spanish Brad Pitt. With that last association, Igor seemed to know who I was talking about.
Then I told Igor about another dream I’d had since last week in which my father was going to beat the shit out of me with a belt. Why? Because he had been away on vacation and I was supposed to turn the outside lights on while he was gone and I had’t and so he was going to beat me with a belt. I, having a modicum of self-protection, decided to call the cops. That was it. That was the dream.
“So those are the two versions of masculinity?”
“I guess” I answered, having no idea what these dreams were about.
“What was it like to be with Javier?” Igor asked in a completley clinical way.
“It was good” I said a bit embarrassed.
“Did it feel like it was time limited?” Igor asked.
“No, it didn’t. I felt like if I let go that it would go on forever.” I was surprised that Igor asked me something that made me aware of this timelessness of our connection.
“So what else about him?”
I searched for associations, “He’s foreign. He’s not my type. He’s dark. He’s too beautiful for me.” And then I disappeared into a silence.
“What, what happened there?”
” I just remembered that the other day when you were talking about how this one way a man reacted to me had something to do with my looks. And I was flattered and shocked by that. I was shocked that you saw me as attractive and further shocked that you thought someone else would.” I began to get mildly emotional but not so emotional that Igor seemed onto me.
Igor paused. ” You don’t think you are lovable? You don’t see yourself as beautiful?”
I couldn’t hold back the tears. “No. No, I don’t……Even Lily doesn’t love me.” I explained how differently she reacts to He-weasel, to my mother in-law and to my friends.”She likes them all better than me.”
“No, she doesn’t not love you. She is used to you. You are there all the time.”
I nodded in agreement even though on this day I wasn’t sure if he was wrong and that maybe Lily doesn’t love me.
“So,” Igor continued, “So in the dream Javier, this man—this way of being a man—that is foreign to you, this beautiful man wants to open you up to your beauty and he wants it to become a part of you. But he isn’t forcing this on you. He is inviting you to take it and you do. You opened up to beauty—to your beauty.”
“I did.”
Usually I feel embarrassed about sex dreams. This time I didn’t. I didn’t because it felt obvious that it was metaphor. I have no desire for Javier—not consciously.
Then we talked a little bit about my associations to the dream with my father. None of them were remarkable. Igor, after a while said the obvious, “your father sure did a number on you. I don’t mean to play the blame game. But he did. He didn’t give you a paternal introject. You have no good father that lives inside of you.”
I nodded in agreement.
Then my mind went to an image that I had on my way to Igor’s office, it was an image I had never had before. I thought that what I would really like to do is to curl up on Igor’s lap and take a nap. I wanted to do what Lily does. I just wanted to be with him in a paternal/non-verbal way. I wanted to relax on his lap like a sleeping child. I boldly, bravely and disclaimer-free shared my fantasy.
Igor answered, “It’s funny you should say that because I was just thinking how nice it would be to have you as a daughter.” That was the last word I remember him saying. I sat there on the couch. Healing was occurring, I could feel it. I also felt a tremendous sadness. And I began to cry as one would do if their therapist would say such a thing. My father didn’t want to be any-one’s father, I don’t think. He wasn’t the fathering type. But Igor, he, it turns out, would like to have me for a daughter. And it goes without saying that I would like to have Igor for a father. None of us were going to get what we want. I sat there in silence and sadness and feeling the feeling of him wishing and wanting me to be something I can’t be for him and my wishing and wanting the same. The silence lasted for what felt like forever and I thought it would never end.
When I got up to leave Igor’s office, Igor got up too. Igor threw his lumbering bear paws around me and he hugged me. He hugged me hard and tight and fiercely. “Take care of yourself, Lady,” Igor instructed. “You too,” I muzzled back into the woven wool of his sweatered shoulder. As he let go of me to let me go I let myself relax into his arms again. Igor gave me another hug. I left filled with a feeling. I left his office feeling love and feeling loved. And I tried for a moment to imagine what life would have been like if I had such a father. The thought was too big to hold onto–bigger than the hug I had just had. I pushed the thoughts away of what if and how it would have been and stayed with the feeling instead, as the feeling didn’t ask for things like evidence or anything else in the way of practicality. The feeling was enough.
Oh my… First, I’m not surprised that Igor wants/wishes you were his daughter. Having met you, I want/wish you were my sister. Really.
Second, of all the dreams I have, every night, all night long, why can’t I have a hot dream like yours?
You are such a sweetheart. I can tell you that I feel the same way, I can’t imagine how much fun it would be to have a smart, beautiful, fun, and talented sister like you.
Secondly, I don’t usually have these kind of dreams. I am more of a G -rated dreamer, usually.;-)
Si!:-)
La Belle, If Igor were your father then he wouldn’t be Igor…and that would be a shame. We don’t choose our parents and that’s the one thing we must never forget…as for Javier…I like your thinking….xv
I would happily give up Igor the therapist to have Igor the father. Actually, I don’t think I would have needed therapy if I had Igor as a father.xo
I can hardly type because I am blinking back tears so hard. This was so beautiful. I read this as being sad, but also very healing. So many good things happen to you when you find the right spaces to open up (as Javier said!). If I type more I will cry more, and I can’t wreck my makeup because I have a meeting at work… just know I am deeply, deeply moved.
Dear Beautiful You, Thank you. Thank you for getting it and feeling it and being touched and for sharing that. Really, thank you. I felt rather vulnerable putting this post up. I feel much less so now. Thank you.
Hope I didn’t mess up your mascara. Tissue?
This is so moving, it has brought me to tears. I hope that you experienced some genuine and lasting healing yesterday. Thank you for sharing yourself with us all in such a beautiful and open way. I read your blog and I feel safe and comforted. It’s like having a cup of tea with an old friend. Hugs
Thank you so much, Davida. I did. It was a huge moment for me. And it felt real. It didn’t feel like a clinical or calculate move on his part. I could feel his authentic longing to have a daughter like me and in that moment of my longing meeting his longing—something beautiful happened and a healing did occur.
I am so pleased that you feel at home and safe here. That really and truly means a lot to me. I am boiling some water now. I wish I could pour you a cup and you could have some chai with me. Thanks again. Hugs to you.
Igor is amazing. I’m so glad he’s your therapist.
Thanks, Deja. Me too.
And you had the smarts to choose him.
This is a complex, loaded one for me. I adore my father, always have, no matter any behaviors that cause distress. So I resonate with the idea of limitless time. Where one isn’t always anticipating departure, or withdrawal of the gaze. It reminds me that all of us can benefit, or at least I can, from ceasing to hurry.
And I am sure Lily loves you very very much:).
Lucky you! It must be a wonderful thing to have a father who you can count on and who will always be there. I can only imagine how that would impact one’s sense of self.
You think so? She seems so uninterested when I come home. When He-weasel comes home Lily acts like the King of Petco has just walked in the door.
That is wonderfully touching. I am really happy that Igor is your go-to guy. A good day, indeed.
I was just thinking of you because there is a silly dream segment on Dr. Oz right now…they should have brought you on!
On an unrelated note…have you seen the movie Catfish? I think you would be really interested in it (as a psychology person).
Yeah, Dr. Oz! You need me. Call me, Oz!;-)
I haven’t seen Catfish. At your recommendation I am going to put it on the top of my must-see list. Thanks!
Awe, Tracey… Sending lots of love your way… XXX
P.S. And Bardem? Even though he is not my type… I would not say no, girl…
Thanks, Lovely Lena!xo
p.s. I agree. Not my type and yet he was, I can tell you, quite lovely. ( I know that ladies aren’t supposed to kiss and tell and yet…;-).
I’m so happy that Igor was able to bring some comfort … Of course you are wanted… your wonderful and caring! Father’s can leave very deep emotional scars … even for those of us who “seem” to have made peace. Somewhere that need of belonging remains deep inside and surfaces out of nowhere. I try to live by the “friends” are the family we chose for ourselves .. not always easy ..but I try.
As for Lily … she loves you !!! When you are out she can’t wait for you to get home… xo HHL
Thanks, HHL! I didn’t get that message from my childhood. And it means so much to get it from someone who really knows me, warts and all( so to speak;-).
Thank you for the assurance of Lily’s love. Sometimes I am not so sure. He-weasel says I am silly. He says that it is obvious that she loves me.
xox
Wow!
Very complex issues and I am at a loss to say much…
When you said Lily doesn’t love you I wanted to cry and scream and say oh no she does! you MUST believe that she does…
I am sure she loves me. I can tell you that I am not the person who gets the biggest reaction from her and my narcissistic wounding isn’t always able to accept this as graciously as I should.
Javier looks good in my robe, huh?;-)
WOW, what an amazing post…I am crying and reeling in the whole of it.
I hope that you hold onto the feeling of being held, deeply loved and accepted for a long time.
You are amazing in so many many ways
Thanks, Barreness. I am so pleased that the emotions I felt in the session were accurately conveyed. Sometimes when the emotions are so big it can be difficult to articulate them.
I hope so too.
And I thank you for your kind words.
Oh Miss LPC, this is a stunning post. Wow. It is simply beautiful, even with the fear and the pain, the sentiment is universal, we all want to be loved. I am so happy you left Igor’s office feeling that way, and that it helps you realize how much you *are* loved, be it by all of us, your He-weasel, and especially your darling Lily. For you are.
Sending you a hug,
tp
Thanks, lovely Princess. Thank you so much.
Hugs back to you.
I think every girl could do with a father like Igor. The things he says to you always make me cry. He is a wonderful man.
Any girl would be lucky to have a father like Igor. He is indeed a wonderful man.
What a lovely post! I like Igor and I am glad he said what was in his heart. I am sure Lily loves you more she just wants to acquire more fans! xoxoxo
Thanks, Mona. Yeah, I know she does and yet there are times when I feel a bit insecure.xoxo
I think I probably agree with Angie, mind you I’d like Angie as a sister too!!
Wonderful of Igor.
And as for Lily, she has you wrapped round her finger. Of course she goes for broke with the others as she has your attention!! xx
It would be lovely to have you and Angie for sisters and Igor for a father. Now I need to just cast for a mother.;-)
Lily KNOWS that I am besotted with her. It is a bit ridiculous how much I love that girl. So, yeah, she knows she doesn’t have to work for my love.
xo
I am so happy Igor told you he wanted you for a daughter. You know that I relate to this beautiful post on so many levels, especially the longing to be wanted as a daughter. I do not have an Igor in my life, but do feel enfolded by my church community. They are my family. And my sweetie is hotter than Javier
.
Wanting to be wanted is such a basic need. I am so glad you have your church and your Sweetie. It is a wonderful feeling.
What a beautiful post! I relate to it on so many levels.
Thank you, Cheryl, that means a lot.
This is all so lovely. My dreams are vivid and specific (recently one included Anna Magnani, and I suspect that I was she). I love Igor’s interpretation, and ironically, in my experience “foreign men” often do wish to open us up to our own beauty, and yes, through lovemaking.
It definitely feels “foreign” to feel my beauty. I am grateful to Igor and Javier for making me aware of it.
Anna Magnani! Nice. What a wonderful dream. I would love to hear more about it.
Oh, I’m shedding tears as I’m reading this!
(((Vicki))))
How old is Igor? Is he old enough to be your father? Have you ever sensed the slightest paternal feelings from him, or do you think he was just responding in some deep way to what you had missed in terms of positive fathering?
This is a deeply moving post — and it has made me think of the fathers in my own life. How could it not?
He is in his 60′s. So he is old enough to be my father. And it feels real, that he would really like to have me for a daughter. It didn’t just seem like he was responding to my need and that is why it felt so powerful, both of our longings were lined up and unmet.
Thank you so much, Bee.
I’m not sure why this post moved me to tears when so many of your posts are so moving. I think because I’ve been thinking about that sense, or lack of, feeling loveable that results from having less than ideal parents. A gf said to me the other day she wants to finds someone but feels she’s too overweight. And I remind her weight has nothing to do with loveableness. And then I…and then I…do something, or book something, to quiet one source of neverending criticism whenever I look in the mirror…cough, cough (or should I write, sniff, sniff?) and one part of me is screaming, get over it, love yourself already. The other says, go ahead and take a holiday…to Buenos Aires, where hotels are super cheap and the weather is warm…
Igor is so wonderful, though. That moment, at then end, perfect.
xoxo
I am so moved that so many of you have felt moved by this post. It is so clear to me how beautiful you are and how much you deserve love. Isn’t it too bad how easily we can see it for others and how much harder it is to see for ourselves?
Your friend is lucky to have you. And I hope you listen to that part of you that wants to go to Buneos Aires.
He is wonderful. It was a perfect moment.xoxo
Wow – what a wonderful moment. You’ve had your ups and downs with Igor. Just like one does with meaningful relations. Gotta say, though, I don’t tend to tease the metaphor out of my sex dreams
Hee-hee. I admire you for staying with image and not analyzing it away. That takes courage.
Wow, what a powerful session–I understand all of those dynamics and they are truly beautiful. Do you think perhaps you had a precognitive dream about the session with Igor? Isn’t Igor foreign as well?
You, my friend, awoke an awareness in me about this dream that I didn’t see before. Thank you so much.
My dear sweet friend! That was so beautifully and tenderly written that I feel choked up (something I rarely say). The world is huge and terrifying (written as a mighty storm batters our windows and howls through the cracks we leave open for air) but that terror is an awesome beauty for our souls. Of religion I have little but I do believe in transcendent love.
Be well and take care of yourself, Lady.
The warmth and tenderness and poetics of your comment really touched me. I too have little in the way of religion but I also believe in love.
And, I’ll have you know, your final sentence made me cry. Yeah, I am a mushy-mushpot.
I want to take credit for your having a celebrity dream.
Sorry, my psyche gets all the credit. Now if I dreamt about Eminem it would be a horse of a different colour.;-)
really, beautiful dreams and beautiful moments. i do hope you can allow yourself these gifts. allow your unconscious to let you know to open up to love. allow yourself to know that you are loved and adored. really. practice with it. practice being loved… until it is more and more familiar… i really believe this! you are lovely, loved and adored.
I feel the love, I really do. It is a shift for me to feel it so deeply and I am so grateful to this dream and to Igor for waking this feeling in me.
Thank you, lovely Audrey.
From one big sap to another, you’re such a big sap.
I am. The bigger the tree the more the sap ( I am not sure what that means and yet I am sure it’s true).
Oh hon….I just read and then re-read your post because it really touched me so much.
I know that no matter how many times we or even Igor might say that you are so very beautiful,lovable and enough as you are(physically, emotionally, spiritually) – that it just won’t stick.
I think having that 1st dream opened the door for you – allowing you to find that fatherly healing you so needed – in Igor no less.
Now that your “door is open” maybe you will be able to move towards that place of allowing yourself to not only BE all those things – but to BELIEVE them as well.
Hugs
Thank you, sweet you. You know what’s funny and surprising and wonderful? Something about that feeling of being loved and lovable and worthy and beautiful, it all stuck. It’s wonderful and I am so grateful to be feeling all this. It has taken a lot of work to open this door and now that it is I want to keep it wide open.
Thanks for your warm reading, wishes and hugs.xo
I feel I say this all the time here but it begs repeating… You are such a brilliant, open, authentic person. This post really struck me. To share such an intimate moment with all of us is such a gift. Thank you. So very inspiring. These dreams and this moment with Igor are really huge. I appreciate it even further because of my grappling with masculinity and the recent dream I shared with you.
I love how you *see* me. Sometimes it is hard to take in your perception of me because it can feel a bit far away from my self concept. But over time it gets easier. Thank you. And I am so grateful if this post helps you further integrate your dream and the positive masculine. You so deserve it.
I want to know what you ate and drank the night you went to bed and dreamt about that gorgeous man… did you take a pill?? I am so envious and I could hardly get passed his photo to read the rest of your post.. and yes I would like you as a sister too xx
I wish I remembered what the recipe for this dream was. If I knew I would sell it in a dream cook book.;-)
I would love to have you for a sister too. xoxo
Hmmm…. Igor as your father… are you projecting something, ma belle???
Well it’s better than my latest dreams that are all around death. Me dieing, me being killed, suffocating… always waking like if I couldn’t breath.
But the most important thing to tell you is that I also would love having you as my sister
Hope you’re having a fantastic weekend
xoxo
Projecting? I don’t think so. I think I am longing. Longing and projecting are different.
I’m sorry your dreams are death filled. According to the Jungians, every dream of death means a death to some part of the ego( which is positive) and it leads to a rebirth.
I am so lucky to have all these wonderful sisters. I would love to count you as one.
Hope your weekend is a beautiful as you.xo
Belette, even on second reading this made me get teary. Given that we can’t change the past, you are lucky to be the exact you you are in this exact time and place – that’s what makes it possible to know Igor, to have him love you as you are.
I relate so strongly to the dream you had of Javier (never knew of him before, nor is he my type) because in a few of the sex dreams I have had, the most notable aspect was that I actually felt loved and that it was such a strange (foreign) experience. Completely, sadly, outside my reality.
I think I’ll go mull this over for a while.
You make such a wonderful point. Would it be better to have Igor in my past and my Dad in my present? No way. I like being where I am. I feel so incredibly grateful to have all the wonderful people who are in my life in this present moment.
Isn’t it wonderful to have a dream where you feel so loved? I am so glad you have had the experience and hope that it feels less foreign to you.
Hugs are good, sex dreams with Javier? I’d say (metaphorically)…better.
I appreciate how you lay yourself bare here, in your thoughts and dreams, and how we can all read & learn from them and you.
Hope you are well, dear Belette!
LOL! Yes, one would think that sex with Javier is better than hugs with Igor, however the real thing( waking life hugs and feeling loved) are better than dreams.
Thank you, Terresa. This was a scary post to actually post, I can tell you. I felt very vulnerable when I published it. Thank you for understanding the vulnerability of it.
bwahhhh i’m crying! I can relate to this in too many ways. Beautiful.
Thanks, lovely! I am so pleased that this post feels universal and isn’t just about me. I really am. And at the same time I am sorry you relate.
I am crying my wee eyes out and I can’t stop. OMG. I am so grateful that you are saying these things out loud and sharing your therapy experience. I’ve been in therapy with a wonderful “Igor” of my own for almost 10 years and I have wished for someone to bounce some of this stuff off on. I am glad to know there is a fellow traveler out there. Thank you!!
Hi Michelle: Welcome! It is so nice to meet you. Thank you so much for your honest and your heartfelt comment. Please, I hope that you come back often and share more about your “Igor” experiences. Thank you!
Wow.
This is all fascinating.
You are brave to share. x
Thanks, FF! You are so sweet.xo
To my way of thinking, this is a good example of a therapy session that should not have had the energy leaked out of it by sharing it on your blog.
Somehow I think it could have built in intensity for you as you considered it yourself , by yourself. And, where that would have taken you is something that you will not know.
Yet, that is just my take. And, I do understand that there are many, many avenues to personal growth and knowledge. So , perhaps for now this way that you are pursuing works best for you.