I don’t know what I am at him. I want to say angry but that doesn’t feel right.
Here is what I know. When I started seeing Igor I wanted to go home. Back then I knew where home was. I hated where I was. I still wanted a baby even though I knew I would never have one. And I knew I wanted to write and publish a book. Back then there were things that I knew that I wanted.
Now, two and a half years later, I don’t want to move back to Chicago. Now I am okay with being where I am. That may sound like progress to you but to me, as of last week, I started to wonder if it was apathy, surrender, and a general loss of hope. I have no desire to have a child, I am too old and that ship has sailed. And I have absolutely no desire to publish a book. None. And I would like to blame that last one on Igor only all the credit for that lost dream goes to iPad. As soon as I started to read books on iPad I no longer had any desire to publish a book. To want to publish a book in today’s publishing world is like wanting to break into silent film just as the talkies came out. Books, I am afraid, are a dinosaur that is moving into hospice care ( Borders is shutting down stores and when you go into Barnes and Noble and they are selling a device that will soon make their store unnecessary, and Amazon is now selling more electronic books than actual books). As soon as I read my first book on an iPad I just didn’t care about publishing anymore, video had killed the radio star. I am already working in the realm of digital media. I have two blogs and a web page. That is much online presence as I want. I don’t want to publish “books” for Kindle. Does that mean I am old and outdated? Or does it just mean I know what I don’t want?
So, I am feeling completely devoid of a dream and I don’t know how to live this way. I have no desire( except to lose the last ten pounds and a few other items on my to-buy list) but other than that I want nothing and, to be redundant, I don’t like living without an over-riding dream. I don’t like it. Am I making myself clear? Don’t like it.
I was telling Igor all this and explained to him that I sort of blame him for all this( I know it isn’t his fault but I still blame him, it comes with the job. I explained that I was irrationally angry at him. I have no more dreams anymore. I have nothing that is motivating me. Igor asked, “but you still enjoy writing?” My answer: “yes”. “And you enjoy sitting with patients?” I answered, “Yes.” “And you like reading and watching films?” Again my answer was affirmative. ”So you are finding pleasure in your life?” “Uh-huh.” Then Igor said something about how Lacan said publishing is to put one’s work in a garbage can and then he said something about how Winnicott said that all of the joy and the play and enjoyment of writing comes in the writing and not in the publishing. I nodded and continued to feel annoyed. “But I liked wanting. I liked wanting to publish. I am not a now person. I am a future person. And I have no future that I am moving towards. I don’t like this. I don’t like this at all.”
Igor then asked me if I had any dreams this week. I didn’t. I am not even dreaming in my sleep. I sat there for a long time trying to remember a dream. I couldn’t remember one. I had little whisps of a dream and when I would try and remember them then they would fly away, like chasing birds. I grew angry that I couldn’t remember a single dream. It seemed related to the theme of the session. “No dreams” I announced, and then I sat in silence.
Don’t be ‘angry’ …it sounds very positive to me. I hear you about publishing….we need to find new excitements out there! xv
I think I am angry about the loss of *hope*. I am not really mad at Igor. I feel like I have come so far.
As to publishing…your books are proof how important REAL books are. They are so gorgeous!xo
What a brilliant description of the publishing world today.
I hope that as the Market collapses, in the ruins, books will become even more precious.
Thanks, Tabitha. I share your hope.
I think you are just in a lull right now…. The roller coaster is on the flat track. Something new will come along..I too feel blank when I don’t have a project or something to look forward to, but something else always comes along. Waiting is the most difficult part.
Isn’t there a Tom Petty song about waiting being the hardest part? It’s so true.
Maybe this is a transition period where you’re letting go of your old dreams of the future.
It may look like you’re in a rut, but from what I’ve read of your posts I think this is a positive thing.
It’s in no way settling, it’s more of standing still for a moment to figure out what to do next.
Don’t be to hard on yourself, at this point everything seems just a little darker than it actually is.
Thank you, Coffeeaddict, I think you are right. It feels like being where I am and not being at odds with it is a good thing. And thank you for your lovely mirroring. I really appreciate it.
“I’m not happy unless I’m dissatisfied.”
Oooh, Ms. Thing, you know me so well.:-) Thank you!
Oh boy, time for a new direction.
Haven’t a clue on what that would be.
OK, I’m going to get a bit allegorical and metaphysical and woo woo here.
You know how we talk about clearing out our closets of all the stuff that we never wear because it doesn’t fit our bodies or lives, and looking at it every day was just dragging us down? And once we clear out all of the chaff, we’re left with just those few pieces that are working right now. But we have a clear foundation to build upon, though it may take time. I think you’re in that place emotionally. You’ve made room for new dreams, and they may take time to manifest, but right now your closet feels a bit bare. But you’ve made room, and that’s good.
That allegory and metaphor and woo and it makes a whole lot of sense. After cleaning out my closet, and getting rid of clothes that don’t work, I felt a bit sad in that inbetween place of waiting for the new stuff that is a better match for me. That is likely where I am now. Thanks, Deja.
I know this may be wrong, but this post had me giggling. I think perhaps we’re too similar. Now has never been good for me, I’m always thinking ahead. And if I have no project I become listless and spend way too much time reading blogs and watching crap t.v. that probably is rotting my brain.
I think you’re having trouble just being in the moment, and it’s something you’ll have to work on. If you’re always reaching for the later you can’t enjoy the beauty in the now. And yes I am a kettle.
Yep, we are a lot alike. If I have a goal I tend to waste less time on junk( TV, shopping and less than good thoughts).
Yeah, it is a process. And I think that I am able to enjoy much of the new is a lot of progress. You, my friend, are a lovely kettle.:-)
I don’t think it’s necessarily an age/generational thing. Technology yay, but books are the product of effort & are a totem that sits on the shelf, collecting dust particle by particle until its covers are opened again. Kindles and digital files & all that jazz fit in stacks of thumb drives. So of course I work with a few people older than I who are swearing off anything that isn’t digital. A smidge of that romanticism with a capital R is there, & it’ll never go away, so the no dreams gig is just temporary. When they come back, whether they change, adapt or fight the prevailing winds both in & out, I’m not qualified to say. Know a good therapist?
I was winging to Igor about books vs. Kindle. He was saying that Kindles/iPads are symbols of omniscience and omnipotence where books are objects. I like books better. Sure, I like the ease of carrying 10 books in one device but it is impossible to have a relationship with a digital file the way it is with a book. Just like how digital music is different emotionally than buying an album. The whole experience is different. Ugh. I am old.
I’m not disregarding the angst or frustration or confusion, but have to tell you that this is some of your best writing. “Books, I am afraid, are a dinosaur that is moving into hospice care.” is just brilliant IMHO.
Sending you and Miss Lily and the He-weasel wishes for a new week, one filled with hopes and energy.
tp
Thank you. Such a fantastic compliment about my writing eclipses any angst or frustration. Thank you, gorgeous.
Weasel and Lily send the same wishes back to you and yours.xo
Life! words can not begin to describe the feelings that you are experiencing … for I know too well the emptiness and loss of life and dreams. I so want to pull up a chair and sit beside you with a plate of pasta and meatballs ~ and cry … But things will still remain – for me life and Me as I knew it is still no more, the opportunity (or window) for having biological children and with each passing month a child period is closing … all those needles and pills and money. For you so similiar for perhaps same or various reasons.
What I will say is that through all you have survived and share you keep me going … I hope that somewhere out here in this big world of BlogLand whether through me or others you too are given a life-saver to reach for. And may one day … we have the opportunity to sit across from each other with Dolce and Lilly at feet, sipping a wonderful glass of wine … and congratulating each other on another BOOK …xo HHL
Yes, we have lots in common. And I am relieved to have the shots, infertility drugs and daily doctors appointments behind me and yet I miss the hope. I really miss it.
I am so happy that my sharing my experience is meaningful to you. I am certainly inspired with your honest sharing and courageous moving forward. And, yes, someday the four of us will have to meet. Spaghetti and meatballs for four. Wine for two. Dog treats for two. I look forward to that day!xo
You have been working so hard that healing might have occured and you are not quite ready or prepared for the eventuality…just a thought.
and only 10 pounds to go…awesome work!
Hugs
XO
Thanks, lovely Hostess.xo
It’s the calm after the storm. The feeling of anti-climax (esp. if you’re a roller coaster kind of person) is inevitable. But just think of how you’re going to love the clean, beautiful weather on the horizon. Wait for it. It’s coming.
“Clean, beautiful weather.” That sounds kind of nice. Thanks.
I had a very similar conversation with Mr. R this morning. I don’t seem to have any dreams or desires right now. I don’t know what direction I want to head. How do I make decisions if I don’t know where I am going? For me, I fear it may be that I have to focus on the future because I am not good at just enjoying today. And sometimes my future plans seem rather forced. I loved this post because it is a reminder to me to not insist on control. The dreams will come.
Yes..I trust for you that dreams will come for you. And they will come for you. Sweet dreams, lovely!
I think there has never been a better time for writers. The gatekeepers (the entire publishing industry) are the dinosaurs, not the books themselves. Your dream of publishing can go on with slight adjustments made for the 21st century.
I think my dreams of publishing are more in the 20th century model of publishing. I sort of like the gatekeepers. I wanted to work hard to get accepted by them. I don’t like a model of do-it-yourself publishing. That’s not my dream. But for many people it is a wonderful and liberating time—and that is wonderful.
Well, I’m no expert, but to me it sounds like you are simply in transition, perhaps moving toward new dreams.
I’m glad to hear that there are things in your life that you enjoy. I would spend time doing those things as your new goals and dreams prepare to reveal themselves.
Then again, I wear a mustache on a stick, so what the hell do I know?
XO
A.
You know how to make dreams come true and you know a lot about how to look amazing while wearing a mustache( not everyone can pull that off;-). Thanks, Anna!xo
Weren’t you recently talking about how you had to get out of that mode of constantly wanting to change/improve?
I was. And I do. And yet that doesn’t make being in the now without a dream any easier. You know?
That’s why I was kind of against the whole thing. Is it really so bad to dream? I guess it depends how you feel about achievement.
Yes, publishing is over. You are smart to let it go.
I’ve been in this state for awhile. The state of no more dreams. I didn’t like it either. The days keep going by though, and I find myself increasingly in the now. I’m not a now person either. It just kind of happened, and there are moments of contentment.
It is sad to see the publishing world in the state that it is in. Sadder still to see the book stores closing. Heartbreaking, even.
I can see in you that you have many interests and passions that are making your now very interesting and enlivening. I am so happy for you.
I felt this way when I decided against grad school. And then I decided not to go for a career, but to stay in a good old ‘job’.
My husband is in this place as well. He doesn’t know if he is being complacent or if he should stop and smell the roses.
Balance is such a hard thing!
Where is the place where you can smell the roses, but not stay so long that moss starts to grow over you?
I don’t know either.
My father says this is the best postition to be in. You don;t need or want anything, so your options are limiteless.
I don’t want limitless options, I have a hard enough time choosing what shoes to wear, much less how to make my life meaningful. Ugh.
I like what your Dad says.But like you I can feel a little overwhelmed by too much choice. I hope your husband finds an answer that works for him.
Why not publish a book for kindle? The same process and laws apply. I don’t understand the real difference. You must have paper and a spine?? The work is the same.
Maybe you need more variety in your inputs – new things to see and think about. Can you travel?
Kindle book publishing just doesn’t appeal to me. Yeah, I wanted paper and a spine. I suppose I need to write more about why that is. It may seem weird, but this new age of self-publishing holds absolutely no appeal to me.
Travel would be great. Planning to do some this Spring.
Thanks, Jenava.
That must be a weird place to be in. But maybe you’ve just cleared some space around yourself. And you have a chance now to fill the space with whatever you want. Who knows?
Feel the same way about Borders. Went there last night with mixed feelings…and found the store closed! at 8pm. I’ve never seen it closed that early. will be a sad day to see it closed forever…
I cannot tell you how sad I was when I was at Borders the day it was announced the store was closing. It feels like the end of an era. So damn sad. (It feels a little strange to mourn a corporate chain and yet I feel sure that isn’t really what I am sad about—it seems bigger than that).
I like this Winnicott person. I agree with them.
I personally liked you wanting to go back to Chicago. I have wondered where this sudden acquiescence has come from. In the end, of course, wherever Weasel Friend decides feels like home, is the place to be.
I’m a book person. I will always want to hold a real bound book in my hands, and see them on my shelves. I love them.
Bosco says “arf!” to Lily.
I like your line, ” I like this Winnicott person.” Yeah, I do too. And yet I also like the dream of publishing and having a book and going into a store and seeing my book on a shelf.
I got tired of wanting what I can’t have. And I like my practice here. I think those are the reasons I quit wanting to move home.
I love books too. Books, for me, are friends. Digital books are just information.
Lily says, “Woof”.;-)
Yes. Now what? Do you care for travel at all?:)
LOL! Yes, I like travel.
I would love to see what comes of all of this for you. This post is particularly relevant for me, as I am going through much of what you describe. What are you left with when you’ve stopped dreaming? I suppose that one is left with themselves, and for me that isn’t such a comforting or exciting prospect. When you no longer care about your goals and you can’t even identity what it is that you want anymore then you are left with the present moment. This is such a painful process, please update us as to what comes of this. I have a feeling that this state that you are in is temporary.
“What are you left with when you’ve stopped dreaming? I suppose that one is left with themselves, and for me that isn’t such a comforting or exciting prospect.” Amen, sister. I remember in my early 20′s being a bit obsessed with the moment that people stop dreaming. It for me, at the time and now, to a lesser degree, was a tragedy to give up on dreams. I don’t like this feeling. Sounds like you aren’t liking it either. I am holding onto your suggestion that this is temporary.
Sweet dreams, lovely you!
‘wanting to break into silent film just as the talkies came out’
I can relate to this quite easily and have felt this way in regard to my paintings for many years. Sometimes it’s bothered me, but sharing the artwork in my blog has been helpful in that regard. Drawing, painting, and sometimes telling stories that people enjoy is very rewarding all by itself and doing so has also allowed me to try things I’d never done before – ie, like being free to pass on trying to control every square inch.
It may be that you’re in the midst of an ‘in’ breath while you take stock of your current understandings and wait for a goal worthy of your effort. It will come.
I am so grateful for whatever inspired you to share your artwork and stories on you blog. Thank you!
I like the idea that this is an ‘in’ breath. An out breath always follows an in. Right?
I think I might put you over my knee and give you a spank and a hug {but don’t tell He- Weasel – and anyway I’ve had a frustrating day}
I’m sure Igor will be a lot more professional about it……..
And you’re so wrong about books and bookstores. Kindles etc may have their place but I’d not leave one at the side of a pool or take one on a beach like I would a book.
I know. Call me old fashioned!
cheers you.
I hope your today is less frustrating!:-)
And I SERIOUSLY hope that I am wrong about books and Kindle. I really do.
I am still in love with the idea of the book (and the idea of my book)–maybe they will just be for collectors one day, but that is good enough for me.
Your post is really making me think.
My prediction is that you will not always feel like this (that it will go rather soon, actually). It is interesting that you derive satisfaction from not having something, rather than having it…or as you say, you are a “future” person.
I once asked a friend (who had been in a job she did not love for quite a while) how she was doing, and if she was planning to find new work. She told me that she was just trying to be present, and learn the lessons of this time in her life right now. I thought it was a fascinating way of thinking that I sometimes borrow (and sometimes I look around going, hmm…what next, what next…what should I be doing…I actually don’t love that voice in myself always).
I am in love with books. I am not in love with media files.
Your prediction is a lovely one. I am holding onto it.
You have wise friends, but like attracts like.
I still love a book .. but in this fast and busy world I never seem to have time to read ..or I fall asleep whilst doing so. Like you I want to write a book and have t published .. but then I think what is the point maybe I will write it anyhow and sell it digitally proceeds to a good cause… but does that give you the “Fix” that you desire??
I feel your lost at the moment .. shame we are not lost locally together as I feel your pain xx
I want something very specific in publishing a book. I wanted an agent and a publisher and an editor. And I wanted to have my books in a store and a library. I wanted to have a book party. With an e-book all of those things are going away. Waah!:-(
I so wish I was in wales. I have a feeling I wouldn’t be moaning as much about my lack of dreams if I was down the street from you, that would be well lush!xo
I feel exactly the same way. I don’t dream big anymore because I feel infertility robbed me (or maybe numbed me) of the biggest one. All the rest kind of pale in comparison. Yes, I could do them, but why? I’ve learned to move on and, like you, have many joys and contentments and no longer wish to pursue having a baby, but the emotional scar remains.
And like you, I need a future to run after, to fuel me to keep going. But the fuel has seemingly dried up and I am a bit lost with what to do with myself.
Thank you for always sharing your story here. We are seemingly on a very similar path these days and it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Also, I so enjoy your blog and would love to read your book, should you ever decide to publish it. There may be a lot of books published out there but we all crave honest and raw storytelling like yours.
Infertility is a hope and dream killer. After we gave up trying I thought I could never dream again. I eventually started to dream about publishing. Now that dream is going. I feel sure my ability to dream has been permanently impacted by failing to get pregnant. I don’t think anyone can understand that the same was as another CNBC can. I am so sorry you know this pain. I really am. I wish that no one knew that pain.
You are such a dear. Thank you. I so appreciate you sharing your story. And your kind encouragement means so very much. Thank you!!!
A lack of dreams means you’re just sleeping more deeply (at least thats what I tell myself when I have bouts of no dreams). Real life goals change but in the process as we see we’re changing its a disruption our mind and body rebels against. Hang in there- and its ok to be “something at Igor” without having to decide what that “something” is
I have been very tired lately. Not sure why. I did have a nightmare the other night. I am hoping for a dream tonight.
Thank you, sweet you, for your your support in my lack of clarity about dreams and about how I am feeling at Igor.
John Scalzi published his first novel on his website as shareware, and got about 4000 dollars from his readers. Eventually someone noticed and actually printed the novel on paper, along with four more books, so far. You are obviously a talented writer, otherwise you would not have the online following that you do… would you give your dream a second chance?
I am embarrassed to admit this, I would rather have a book than $4000. That said, I would like to get paid more than that by a publisher. Is that hubris? I so wanted it to happen the traditional way. I am no maverick, I am at heart a traditionalist who craves legitimacy.
You, dear Pearl, are a pearl. Thank you so much for your encouragement. It means more to me than I can say. HUGE hugs to you.xo
I left a comment and cannot see it so I must have fucked up… I also cannot remember what I wrote.. although I know it was something to do with understanding how you were feeling and getting lost together..
I also understand the goal of publishing being taken away, I have thought that I will still write my book though and maybe publish it digitally and proceeds to a good cause xx Its the journey and not the finish line that counts xx
No, I was just slow to approve comments. Sorry about that. You didn’t do anything wrong. You and Winnicott and Lacan are all right. I know you are. I know it is the journey. That said, I wanted the book.xo
This is a valuable piece of writing about therapy, in my opinion. I for one don’t know where this is heading. But perhaps somewhere in the wind here might be the idea of your eventual termination of the therapy in the future. Which might explain why the feeling is so hard to pin down or label.
Thank you so much for the comment. I am delighted you found my blog and took the time to comment. Your opinion matters and I am so pleased that you see it as valuable.
I don’t think I am as close to the termination line as you give me credit for. I think that my inability to name how I am feeling about Igor relates to my inability to name my dream. Thanks again! I hope you stop by again.
A revolutionary suggestion based on what worked for me – I had to stop thinking about feelings all the time, and stop overthinking things. Got busy with some worthy work (clients? practice building?) and let life unfold. At least for me, overthinking and giving too much time to “what do I feel” was a tremendous waste of energy and distraction – getting down into the meat of life and dealing with issues makes me happier, continually demonstrates to me what I can handle and gives me new ideas for future plans.
Merely my two cents based on what was deeply distracting me, and how much better things were after I told myself to suck it up (which is my personality style, not everyone else’s, and I don’t advocate it if it doesn’t work) and got on with the business of mundane and profound daily life.
I realize that your business, and Igor’s too, is feelings, but perhaps the Kindle as a symbol of omnipresence just isn’t helpful?
It is very hard for me to give up overthinking about feelings, it is an occupational hazard. I do know that work is very important in keeping me from really over-thinking.
I admire your ability to suck it up and get at life. Well done you!
Better late than never, right? I generally don’t touch my computer during weekends, strange? Good morning LBR…I hope you are well.
I think I kind of understand your feelings, in particular about publishing. I really like books and though electronic media are more practical, I am really not fond of them. For me using them would be out of necessity (if I ever do) rather than desire. I think electronic media, music, photos, books, etc actually take away from the quality of experience. How nice would it be to only take so many snap shots with care and then choose, how nice to buy one album and enjoy or not, how delightful to crack open a book and sit to read…oh well. I don’t think we can change these things.
Other desires too seem to go with certain times in our lives, we are evolving…. I think new dreams will surface, gradually, but meanwhile it does not hurt to blame Igor : )
xoxo
I wonder if the 20-somethings who grew up with iPods. Internet and texting are not at all nostalgic about books, book stores and the tactile delights of books, photos and record albums. It is a very different experience to take film in and have it processed than it is to have photos printed off of your computer. Is this nostalgia all part of aging?
Thanks for jumping on the “it’s Igor’s fault: bandwagon”. I appreciate it.
xoxo
“No dreams”, interesting allegory. Miss J knows the feeling. She started to write her novel about the time she gave up pursuing acting. She needed something creative to replace it, although writing never really did. She’s felt the same way about publishing- with books seemingly on their way out, why bother? And then finally Miss J made her way back to acting- but this time on her own terms.
Miss Janey thinks soon enough La B will find a new dream or pursuit or it will find her. She will not be dreamless for long- at least Miss J hopes that’s the case.
I didn’t realize that writing was a substitute for. And, gosh, you are so damn good at writing. You write like it is your passion. You, my friend, are deeply talented.
I wonder if there are lots of aspiring writers who have lost the dream due to the shift in technology. My hunch is that there are lots who have and probably as many others who feel liberated by it.
Thank you, Sweet Miss Janey, I hope you are right.
Oh lord you goal-oriented types get so out-of-sorts when you don’t have a goal!
But I feel for you. Being thwarted is never any fun!
However, is it possible for you to just sit back and enjoy the way the plates you (metaphorically) created look in repose vs spinning in the air? Hope so….
LOL! Yes, we goal-oriented types need a goal the way that a dog needs a bone.;-)
Repose isn’t my favorite posture. But I am doing my best to see the beauty in it.:-)
It sounds like you are transforming–becoming comfortable in your skin, but you don’t know you’re comfortable because it’s foreign to you. LOL! Listen to me all analytical.
One thing I have to say, our times might be turning toward technology, but I refuse to give up my writing dreams. You are right that book stores are selling items that will soon take over their stores, but I’m old fashion. The only reading I do online are blogs–computer reading drives me nuts. I love the smell of a book, new or old, and feel the papers shuffling in my hands. To underline phrases I love and put my stamp of approval on the front.
I will publish someday, traditional or self-publishing, for me.
You’re a great writer and many would miss out on your gift. Hopefully, your writing dreams will drift back into your life.
Publishing is both over and not over but technology killed the dream of a novel for me. Not so much the evolution of the ereader as the devolution of my brain. Seven years ago I was an MFA grad student immersed in fictive minutiae. For years every coin tossed into a fountain was a wish to be published/to be read. I got it but not in the way I intended. The new technology makes us all published but our attention is so splintered that we rarely really listen to each other. I’m losing the ability sink deeply into research and into novels and I’m not alone. We are losing our ability to focus with singular intensity.
Paper books are over except as art/beautiful relics but ebooks are becoming something else, possibilities are different, a book can be anything, it can have pictures, video, the words can be moved and changed. It’s both wonderful and terrible. Too much possibility can be a burden sometimes.
I think you are living what I call the a la carte life. When you aren’t on the prix fixe menu (marriage-house-kids-and-a-slow-descent-into-weary-contented-torpor) there are all these choices at every turn. Sometimes that gets a bit exhausting too, all that decision making, especially when you choose one thing and life chooses another for you. So you say forget it I’m tired of choosing. So sometimes you just have to wait until you are hungry again and desire forces choice.
Fascinating post, and all untidy at the end which is unusual for you I think. I liked it. Means there will be a sequel, at least a sequel of your thoughts in this area.
Couldn’t agree with you more about how publishing seems something completely different now. E-books have hit like a bomb, it seems to me. I cannot believe how quickly society has turned its back on the printed word. I keep telling myself that it may be a good environmental twist (but I am not sure that is true, what with all the batteries needed to power all the e-readers – thereby killing more gorillas in the wild from the mining….). I am not someone who has been freaked out by change, not in my whole life about anything really. But the change in the publishing world feels too swift and difficult to reverse if need be.
I am sorry that you are trapped in this moment of being in the here and now with no future dreams to enthrall you. I think you are just in a period of repose from whence new dreams will spring forth, and you will find those dreams that are really yours, not the ones that come from filling all the lacks and wants from your past.
On a completely unrelated note, reading your post made me realize why I have been so blue after putting new floors in my house, floors I absolutely adore and have dreamed of for years. It is because I am finally achieving my dreams but at the same time we are talking about a different future, a future that doesn’t include these dreams and it is a future in a place that is not what I really want. So there is nothing to look forward too. I know that is not true, but it feels true at the moment.