“Here is the dream”, I tell Igor, “I am at Bloomingdales and I am on a big sofa and I am trying on shoes in the shoe department.”
“Which Bloomingdales?” Igor asked.
“I don’t know”, I answered surprised that he knows more than one location. I just can’t imagine Igor shopping at Bloomies.
“Sitting next to me is an African-American woman, she is sitting to my right, and she is trying on shoes. I overhear her telling the saleswoman that she isn’t going to take the leopard print boots. I get excited and I tell the saleswoman that is helping me that I want those boots. I imagine that they are the Cole Haan leopard boots that I didn’t buy two years ago and how I have lamented letting them get away.”
“Did you really want those boots in real life?”, Igor asked.
I felt the need to explain that these were Cole Haan and that they were very nice and high quality and classic and timeless. I got a horrible image of fakey-cheap leopard skin boots in my mind and I danced as fast as I could to explain to Igor that they weren’t the boots he was imagining or that I feared that he was imagining, “Really, they were very nice,” I defended.
I returned to the dream. “I gave the sales gal a Bloomingdale’s gift card and she went off to handle the transaction. I overheard some kind of kerfuffle and I wondered if I had enough on the card to pay for the shoes. The saleswoman returned to me, the shoes in her hand. The shoes were in a beige and understated box, on the box were the words “Christian Louboutin”. I was very excited and thought to myself, ‘these are my first pair of Louboutin’. I then spent the next five minutes explaining what exactly Christian Louboutins are. You see, my dearly beloved Igor, he knows nothing about fashion. Once it was clear that these shoes were made by a high-prestige shoemaker whose shoes I value and would like to have Igor was satisfied and we moved on.
“Then I opened the box and the shoes were NOT the Cole Haan leopard boots that got away and were instead a horrible monstrosity. Let me describe them for you”, I recounted in horror, “they were made of canvas and had leopard print. They were a high heel boot and open toed and had shoe laces lacing up the front. They were hideous. I immediately told the saleslady that I would be returning these and how these were not for me. And that was the end of the dream.”
I usually end the dream by sitting in silence and waiting for Igor to say something about the dream. I didn’t do that today. I instead said, “This is what I think the dream is about. I think it is about how I feel about moving to Pasadena”. I know I had to do some fast footwork to get Igor on board with my interpretation. “You see, the other day when I was in Pasadena I was overwhelmed by all the traffic and chain stores and restaurants and how crowded it felt and how I had to fight for parking. I found myself overwhelmed and wanted to be in a more spacious place, I wanted to go home. I wanted out of there. And I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. In the dream the thing that I longed for and never had relates to Lake Bluff, longing for a place that is more dream than reality. In choosing Pasadena I chose blindly, I was, as in the dream, saying “I’ll take the dream in the box” and the exterior looks good but the inner experience doesn’t measure up. I don’t feel the sense of openness and spaciousness in Pasadena that I do in Lake Bluff. I am not going to take what doesn’t work for me—even if the box looks good”
“And,” I explained, “I think you need to know a little about my fashion psychology to make sense of this dream. I, as you know, have a conservative, tailored and classic style of dress and my shoes are the one place that I can be a little wild and whimsical. I can wear red shoes or leopard shoes because my feet feel far enough away for them not to be identified as me. As James Hillman says, when we imagine what “my body” is we often imagine from the head to above the pelvis. Hillmans says that we cut off the extremities, they don’t feel as much us as the trunk does. Feet feel the most distant from the “me” and so I can wear things on my feet that wouldn’t feel okay worn as clothing. I would NEVER wear a leopard sweater. I feel much more uncomfortable wearing red on my body than I do on my feet.”
At this point in the session Igor brought in a little lecture on Winnicott and space and Transitional Objects that I can’t recreate. What I will first do is try to explain Winicott’s thought on Transitional Objects and space and me and not me and then try to explain how all this relates to being in Pasadena and the dream and the boots. Wish me luck!
Transitional Objects are, according to Winnicott, something which works to compensate or recreate the mother-child bond. The most common and obvious of Transitional Objects are dolls, teddy bears, or blankets—-but one could make a case that a bag, shoe or other non-childhood object could serve as a transitional object. Transitional objects are used as means of tolerating the transition between the psychic and external reality. You following me?
When we are infants we are not initially able to separate ’me’ from ‘not-me’. In early development the child experiences the mother as part of itself. The child, as it develops, begins to separate the ‘me’ from the ‘not-me’ and this awareness is seriously anxiety producing. It goes from feeling like it is omnipotent and responsible for meeting all of its needs into being aware that it is independent and separate and dependent on mommy to meet its needs. The way it tolerates this emerging separation through Transitional Objects.
This is where the teddybear, blanket or Cole Haan boot comes in, the child( or some red weasels) find comfort in fantasizing about the object. The child( or in my case, the adult) experiences the object as a ‘not me’ posession and the child needs space from the object ( just a little) to experience it as seperate. If the blanket is too close to the child the child feels it is part of them. If the blanket is taken out of the bed or washed or is out of site the child feels that the object is divested of all its me-ness and creates anxiety for the child. As the child learns to tolerate the growing awarness between ‘me’ and ‘not-me’, and is capable of keeping inside and outside apart yet interrelated then the Transitional Object is no longer needed.
After Igor suggested I read more Winicott as a means of exploring the space between me and not-me and how what Winnicott had to say on the subject might be meaningful to me I had an association, “The reason I didn’t get the Cole Haan leopard boots is that they were high. They came up too high. And in them being not just on my feet but taking up a lot of leg I felt that the boots would be more ‘me’ and that didn’t feel good. That was not me.” I sat silently and tried to make sense of all of these things but instead another association came to mind, ” I was walking to the gym this morning and there was this voice in my head that said: Isn’t it enough that you don’t want to move back to Chicago? Isn’t it enough that you are opening a second office? Isn’t it enough that you don’t hate it here? Do you have to jump into a move? Can’t you just enjoy this space for a while?”
Igor said in his Igor’s gravitas voice, ” I like this voice. This voice is asking you to give yourself time in this Transitional Space. This voice is creating a relationship that honours space. This voice is you and not you. This is an important dream.”
I left the session aware of the following: I don’t want those Cole Haan boots. I don’t want the Christian Louboutins that are not me. I don’t want to make a choice based on fantasy. I don’t want to live in Pasadena, I want something smaller and more ‘me’. And I left the session with no desire to shoe shop.
This concept of “transitional space” reminds me of the standard advice not to jump into a new relationship right after another one has ended. It sounds like you need time to find out who you are without Chicago (the ex?), and to wait and see what fits you now.
I do. I need time. I have made a big step and I need to stay with it for a minute before I blindly say, “i’ll take what she’s having.”
I’ve been giving lots of thought to who I really am these last few months, trying to decide where I want to go and what I want for myself…
This last year has been about transition… I think I’m ready to move on now and it seems you are as well…
Lots of love, XXX
I think I am ready to let go of what I thought I wanted and enjoy what is and see where that takes me.
I look forward to see where you are going. I know wherever you go it will be fantastic and there will be chocolate there.xoxo
My first reaction was that what happened was about getting excited about something that you thought you wanted and then finding out that it was not at all what you thought it would be. Then after thinking about Winnicot, I thought perhaps it was about deception; trusting the mother to provide something special and nice that you were excited about, only to find out that it was disappointing and made you feel deceived…. I’m no dream analyst like you are though
Your first reaction feels absolutely related to what I think this is about. I think, my friend, are a better dream analyst than you think you are.:-)
Hmm… “transitional space” as I read your post .. I found my mind wondering back through the past 4 years post accident and the things that I used to fill the void I feel inside ..shopping was certainly one of those. Lately though I haven’t been so excited about shopping.
It sounds like you have made some gains in figuring out some things … and that is great news!! I’m happy that you are feeling a bit more settled.
Happy Birthday to your mother!!! And Lily looks adorable!! Dolce and her would have much fun! xo HHL
Hmm…interesting that you lost interest in shopping too. Maybe you are moving out of the transitional space and are finding your footing and what is ‘you’ now.
Thanks, sweets, for the bday wishes and for the Lily love. Lily and Dolce could have some serious fun.xo
When you describe the actual shoe (the canvas, lacy, open toed thing), I was as horrified in my imagination as you would have been in the dream! Can’t wait to see where this epiphany leads.
It was TERRIFYING. I opened the box and I recoiled in horror. I can’t either. I feel like I am on the edge of something and can’t wait to see where all of this is leading.
I don’t know anything about LA other than the fact it’s huge and the entirety of former towns have been swallowed into one enormous conglomeration of urban and semi-urban mass. The LA I relate to is the one I see in old films and in books by Raymond Chandler et al. I’m sure there’s a place there where you could feel relatively comfortable in the long-term but it’s wise of you to take a deep breath and consider the options as they arise.
Sadly the LA you relate to only exists in fiction. And, yeah, I think this isn’t a time to act on moving as I am making so many other big moves.
I completely agree with Deja Pseu. That was exactly what I was thinking, and she said it perfectly!
She is a smarty, as are you.:-)
Wow — I certainly couldn’t have done that with the dream. I’m with Igor, I’m loving that voice. You are able to say things to yourself that in the past would have thrown you way off balance (like the tacky boots!) You are doing such great and important and brave work. It’s a real honor to be able to witness it.
You are so right, to not know would have knocked me off my boots. I am a person who is attached to the next *step* and so my not wanting to know what that is,well, that feels big. Thank you, sweet Dorothea, for your incredible feedback. And I am so happy that it is meaningful to you.
Okay, I’m going to go somewhere different, based on the two brands in the dream. I’m probably projecting but here goes. The Cole Haan, it’s accessible right. Highly priced but still within range. But the Loubies, they’re on a whole other level and although they are craveworthy shoes they also carry this other level of desire and guilt. They are shoes to aspire to, they mean something else, they are something you want but never expected to get and so when they fall in your lap you are very excited. And then very crushed when these things, that you thought were fated for you, weren’t right for you at all.
So maybe that’s Pasadena and maybe it isn’t but maybe it’s also connected to getting something that somehow feels out of line with expectation as well as reaching for something that you’ve wanted but weren’t expecting or had felt out of reach or is a big investment. I think is more about fear of making the wrong decision than indicative of any actual outcome. I think it’s positive that you said no. Me, I’d have meekly taken the damn uggo shoes and trotted on home. You aren’t willing to settle for what’s not right and that should be celebrated.
Well done! You can work a dream, lady!!!
You know what is interesting, Cole is a family name of mine. And I have a lot of Cole Haan shoes. They feel dependable and reliable and safe. The Loubies feel about longing and, in a way, a trend and doesn’t feel as desirable. I am sort of over the red sole. The seems so ubiquitous that I don’t even really want them. Also, my Neiman Marcus guy always tells me how uncomfortable they are. He doesn’t think they are as well made as Valentinos. Not sure how that impacts the meaning of the dream.
I do know that I had fantasized that Pasadena felt more small town than actually does. I was truly surprised when I saw out without the lens of fantasy. It has really become a big town. If I had Loubie money I think I could be happy in San Marino, unhappily I don’t. Not having the Loubie money might mean I have to wait a little while to have what I want, but I am willing to wait.
Thanks, Deidre. I so appreciate your generosity in taking on my dream.
There’s something sort of preppy about Cole Haan that appeals to me. Plus I like the stuff they did with Nike. I love shoes that are basically wacked-out sneakers.
Oh, San Marino. Pretty to drive through but too sterile for me. I felt the same about Weston in Massachusetts. I like my neighborhoods with ethnicity and edges mixed in with history which is why Eagle Rock/Highland Park for all its bad crime stats, feels good for me. I’m not sure what you are into but Sierra Madre might be a good option. Or Alta Dena. The good part about being Pasadena adjacent is that there’s a fair amount of good cultural stuff going on there and the restaurants are nice. Have you thought about La Canada/Flintridge. It’s a wee bit of a hike up the 2 but it’s got some of that cute small town stuff going on…
this feels like the perfect way to get over the joy of finding the perfect thing while shopping…or enjoying the perfect dream shopping experience…or not, as in those nasty shoes, i suppose…this is why i am beginning to see the fruitlessness of therapy for me after over two decades of it with a couple of years up until recently without it or a therapist…. too much picking things apart can remove a bit too much of the joy and fun from even one’s dreams….of course, that’s just my experience with a rather dreary experience with my little french shrink. i apologize … i guess that’s not much help but dream work is not something i can do since i never dream due to ambien.
xoxoxo
I find just the opposite, for me becoming clear about what my dreams are makes life richer. For me it is a delight to truly know what I want and what is really me and what is just a fantasy. I am sorry it hasn’t given you more joy.
I often take Vitamin-Ambien and I still dream. Funny, huh? I wish you all kinds of sweet dreams.xoxo
Wow. Your ultimate realization….okay it sounds pretty huge. Are you at peace with the conclusion that you have reached? What comes next for you?
Your description of the leopard boots in your dream was hilarious. Your essence leaps off of the page and sits down on the couch with your reader, while you both enjoy the journey.
It does feel huge to me. Thank you for mirroring that. It means a lot to me.
And, damn, lady, you are brilliant. Your comment made me aware of how in the dream I am “on the couch”( in analysis/in therapy) and my essence(the beautiful black women next to me) is sitting there with me. Thank you, thank you and thank you!!
I sooooo want a pair of Louboutin’s but when you described the ones that ended up being in the box I was horrified! What an interesting interpretation of the dream and what you’re going through with transitioning. As usual I love the post
No one, I don’t think, would want the ugly Louboutin’s that I dreamt of. No one.
Thanks so much, Paula. I so appreciate your generous feedback.:-)
This was riveting. I learned a lot about you here!
Thanks, Elizabeth.
Good to see you LBR…I am fascinated that you lost your desire to shoe shop after the session! That must be a great feeling!
I could have told you that about Pasadena, a nice picture from the outside but still a good big part of LA and now more so since it is metro-accessible. I really think that all people in LA, except for those who love to be in traffic jams and what not, create a neighborhood in their heads. A lot of the wealthy in Pasadena always hangout in their tight circles and when they go away, they are going to Paris and Rome and London. They are not going to Altadena or Mount Wilson or Santa Monica. The new residents are different though, many cannot afford to live such lives, and they explore. I really believe that what is noise and crowds to you and me may be isolation to others! Wishing you a lovely weekend…see you soon! xoxo
I think I thought that Pasadena had depth and beauty inside and out( a lot of fantasy) and I really saw it the last time I was there. It was so busy, crowded and commercial.
You, my friend, are one of my favorite things in Pasadena. I am very happy to be practicing there even though I now can’t imagine living there.xoxo
Omg, those do sound hideous! I would have woken up screaming and leapt up and checked my closet to make sure my shoes were still there and hadn’t been replaced by open-toed high heeled….oh, I can’t even say it all lol.
I am happy to report that no such monstrosity found its way into my closet. Woohoo!!!
PS–I’m dying to quote the song about the “brand new leopardskin pillbox hat” but I won’t.
I am big believer in taking time to consider and reconsider, so I like this voice that’s talking to you.
It is interesting that while in Pasadena you were wanting a more spacious place but that after the session with Igor you were wanting something smaller and more you. I usually think of spacious vs small, as opposites, not compatible ideas. You must have something specific in mind.
I agree with Mona’s comments about LA.
xoxo
When I say spacious I think I mean that I want a place that I don’t feel overwhelmed by traffic, activity and commerce. So where I live is a smaller town but there is more space. Does that make sense?
xoxo
It does make sense. xoxo
This one is fascinating Miss LBR, especially the whole Transitional Objects and Transitional Space thing, completely new to me. I have to tell you, the version I have of you explaining Cole-Haan and Louboutin to Igor is pretty funny, even though it’s not… it is in its way.:)
Sending you lots of hugs and Tilly love for Lily,
tp
It is so funny to me that he is in the heart of beverly Hills and he doesn’t know a Louboutin from a hole in the wall. He is completely unaffected by his environment. I could learn something from him.;-)
Thanks, sweets. Lily sends hugs and love in return.
As JT says, “Damn, girl.”
This is very fascinating stuff, as always. I like what your boyfriend, James Hillman, says about torso vs. feet…my torso is me, but my feet are less me. Hence almost everyone’s facebook profile images…
I wonder how the concept of risk plays into this…the boots were too high (on your leg? or the heel?).
I can tell you had lots to say here. Thank for saying it.
Isn’t my BF right? It is upper body that gets all the credit for being “us”. Doesn’t seem fair. Perhaps you will write a poem about this concept?:-)
The boots went too high on my leg.
I have loads more to say, a week away from the blog leads to a lot going unsaid. I feel like I can’t get it all out.
This comment is for me: “The task of reality-acceptance is never completed,” Winnicott writes, “no human being is free from the strain of relating inner and outer reality, and relief from this strain is provided by an intermediate area of experience,” which “is in direct continuity with. . . play.”
i just read a quote that was about the idea of our souls catching up with our bodies. the idea is that we can get to a place in life and all that is within us needs a minute to catch up… to transition. what a wonderful dream. i love where it is taking you, bringing you closer to yourself, who you really are, where and what you really want. it’s a process, right?
i also had the idea that it must be a pleasure and a privilge for Igor to talk with you… to be able to spend time talking with someone as smart as you in connection to a shared love of psychology, is a pleasure i imagine.
It is a process. And it does take time. I feel like my soul/emotional life is a little bit ahead of me. I feel sure my body will catch up soon.
You are so kind.:-) I do think Igor enjoys the way I think. I also know that he doesn’t suffer fools gladly. I like that about him.
This is fascinating. As one who dreams vividly (and recalls the details), the aftermath of layers to be interpreted is so helpful. Transitions, space, the importance of place and self-image, place and a sense of freedom(s) – I love that this occurred with a dream of shoes.
These boots that are – or were – made for walking. And maybe not. Or at least, not yet, or in the way you might think.
Funny – for all that I adore shoes and boots, I rarely dream of them. And the leopard? A walk on the wild side yet to come?
Very interesting post. I’ve been wrestling recently with similiar issues – what do I want? What do “I” want? What do “I” “really honestly” want? And I’m finding that some of the former answers (an academic job! any old one will do! just get me outta here!!!) are not correct – I did’t actually really honestly want THAT, I just wanted something “not this.” So, again, where am “I” “really honestly” going and what do “I” “really honestly” want?
So difficult at times. This post gets at the issue very nicely.
I think what makes this issue so very difficult is that there are a multiplicity of “I”s. So when I say I want something that is only an aspect of me. We are, all of us, have varying aspects of ourselves and all of those aspects want something different.
YES. I’ve realized that recently too. There is the me who writes stories and admires people who have managed to make a living doing creative work, and the me who realizes now that I should have gotten an accounting degree before law school. Two very different people.
>they were made of canvas and had leopard print. They were a high heel boot and open toed and had shoe laces lacing up the front. They were hideous.
I will let my untrained self be oppositional and literal and say that these “dream shoes” are an intriguing mix: canvas (practical/difficult to ruin), leopard (expressive), open-toed (airy/providing freedom), and laced (secure/customizable).
Would I want to wear them if they manifested themselves? Wellll, no, ha!
But would I give thought to accepting something that represented them into my life, even if another part of me were pushing them away? Hmmmmm….
Take care as you navigate, LBR!
You, Vixy my friend, are very wise. And, if you choose, could make a fine dream analyst. I like your oppositional interpretation. I will say, for the record, in the dream there were no uncertain terms about my refusal. All of these elements are great, but when they all come together in one package are not working for me.
Thank you, lovely, for the delightful food for thought.