There are only a few stories in my family mythology of me as an infant. The first one is how big I was—that is a story I have heard a lot of. I was born big. Really big—ten-pounds-something-ounces big. I came out of the womb full grown with a full head of hair and chubby cheeks and chubby thighs, or so the story goes. The second story I hear a lot of is that I once ate so fast that I projectile vomited across the room and how this act of fountain like evacuation scared my parents into thinking that I had brain damage. The third and final story of me as a baby is how my grandfather used to call me “obese”, as his pet name for me, and how I seemed to find him calling me this horrible name was completely hysterical. It became a thing between us, or so the stories go, he would call me obese and I would laugh. Whenever I hear that story about me laughing it always makes me seriously sad.
I am not above telling you that I was a gorgeous baby. I was. I look at the baby me, fat cheeks and fat thighs and all and I see perfection. I love her. I am mad for her. I want to hold her in my arms and tell her I love her and I want to protect her and warn her about all the bumps and bruises and battle scars that she is in for and I want to kiss her little fat cheeks and tell her she is gorgeous. It is so easy to love her. I don’t even care if anyone agrees with me, no one can talk me out of believing that I was a beautiful baby.
Me, on the other hand, I am not so easy to love. I look at me in the mirror and my eye goes straight to the flaws. I see all that is wrong with me. I think I learned to be such an expert on flaw identification from my mother. I was trained in the higher-art of flaw finding by an expert with a black belt in flaw finding. She, whenever she meets someone or sees someone on TV, immediately sees what is wrong with them. She then shares with me their flaws. “She is a pretty girl if her jaw wasn’t so big.” “It’s a shame about her hips”, etc. Only I pretty much kept my flaw-seeking target on myself. I wasn’t so interested in the flaws of others and mostly I didn’t notice them. I tended to notice the good in others and use their good to compare and contrast and attack myself with. If you have a long neck I notice it because mine is short. If you have big teeth I can’t stop staring at them because I have tiny teeth. Your “flaws”— I don’t care about them and I certainly don’t see them as flaws. I find them charming and delightful and idiosyncratically wonderful, as they are what make you you—and I definitely don’t see them as something you should fix. When He-weasel once complained about his nose and contemplated for a moment that he should have it fixed I went mildly ballistic, “but I love your nose. It’s your nose.” If only I could do this for myself. I can’t.
It took YEARS and YEARS and YEARS of therapy to get to the place that I fully and completely understand that when my mother is finding fault with me or you or anyone and everyone it is because she is constantly doing that to herself. And it took even more years with Igor to get to the place where when I hear her tell me that she hates my hair or that I don’t look like I have lost much weight and how short my neck is that I hear a sad and insecure woman who at 80-something still thinks her highest value is about how she looks and that, to me, is heart breaking.
Now that I am at my goal weight all that self-loathing about my hips and ass and tummy and calling myself “obese” and then laughing about it is officially over. I am not fat, not anymore. However now that I am not fat my expertly trained eye is looking for new areas of inadequacies, and believe me I have loads of them. LOADS. And I am likely to point them out to you as soon as you say anything nice to me just so you know that I know how flawed I am. It is, I think, a way that I protect myself. If I say it first then maybe you won’t, not that you would—-it’s just that we all tend to expect others to treat us the way that our parents did and so I am not in fact protecting myself from you; I am protecting myself from my mother.
As soon as I hit goal weight I noticed my face had seriously lost some of its firmness. I no longer saw a fat-chubby cheeked gal when I looked in the mirror. Now I saw a fallen flan. And, as is my way, I became obsessed with fixing it. I am about to admit with no small amount of shame what I have done to fix this:
1. I had painful and not inexpensive Titan laser treatments.
2. I used Oil of Olay’s Pro X Intensive Five Day Firming Treatment.
3. I use Peter Thomas Roth’s FirmX and a host of other skincare serums, creams and elixirs.
4. I use Peter Thomas Roth’s Temporary firming mask.
Yeah, all of that stuff worked. My face is in fact firmer. And I know it would have been psychologically better if I had accepted my falling flan of a face but I didn’t. I fixed it. My darling He-weasel who has no training in the dark arts of flaw finding, even he noticed how astonishingly firmer my face is. I am tickled that I am at goal weight and my face no longer looks like a fallen flan—however I know myself well enough to know that I am not happy unless I am dissatisfied. Ugh. I need a moment to process that last sentence. Let me say it again, for the record, I am not happy unless I am dissatisfied. That is a big one. So it is likely that I am going to go hunting for another area of imperfection and start obsessing about it. My hope is that by telling you this that maybe I won’t. Maybe I will cut myself some slack and enjoy what I have and not flaw seek. Maybe some of that unshakable love that I have for the baby me will show up for the 40-something year old version. I somehow doubt it. I will say that for today I am happy with myself. Even as I write that I am noticing how terrified I am. I am terrified that those of you who know me will think, “She shouldn’t be. She ought to work on fixing x,y and z.” Laughable, huh?
Oh aren’t we girls just that? Not tall enough, not rich enough, thighs not slim enough, teeth not white enough. I have a long list of self attacks/loathes. I know I should be grateful for what I have. I am. But I just want better. Is that wrong? I’m saying it’s not, but many others say I’m sick in the head. I need a psychotherapist. Naaah…. not rich enough….
Not enough is certainly something we all suffer from. I think you are MORE than enough. Is that enough?;-)
MORE is always what I can do with. You are too kind, my sweet friend. I shall chant that till I fall asleep tonight
))
Yes, that is a lovely affirmation. And I am not at all kind; I am honest. You ARE more than enough. It is just the truth.
Wow, you just described my mother too there. She is so caustic about everyone’s looks. And I know I should have learnt more from this post but all I can think about is that my jawline is starting to sag and how I can save for Titan laser whilst saving for a new roof.
I’ve learnt nothing, sigh.
Insight and a desire for a firm jaw line are not mutually exclusive.;-)
Seriously? You’re gorgeous. You look like the type of woman I hope to become if I can ever get it all together. I hope you do cut yourself some slack, but in case you don’t we’ll all be here to remind you that you are perfect as is.
You, my sweet friend, are so very kind. And I am breathing in your kindness. Thank you!
Not so laughable, because you are so beautiful inside and out. Now that you have nurtured and loved the baby you once were perhaps that baby should admire and look with bright-eyed wonder and thanks at the woman you became.
btw, #2-4 on your list…I’m probably going there!
xoxo
I like your switcharoo here. I do wonder what the baby me would think of the me now. My hunch is that she would be pretty proud of me.
btw: if you are going to do just one of the four then I would recommend the PTR serum. I think it is magic in a bottle. That said, I don’t think you need it.
xoxo
No, not laughable. Heartbreaking. My gosh, except for the face stuff, I could have written all of this about myself.
I still struggle with flaw finding (in myself), but I have taken a couple of big steps. One is, I cut my mother out of my life. Trouble is, her super-critical voice remains in my head. The other thing is this: I read a book some years ago about a man who bought a herding dog, but the dog was a mess. Every time it heard its name, it cringed, expecting punishment, expecgting it had done something (God knows what) wrong. So, the man simply changed the dog’s name. The new name wasn’t freighted with accusation and failure times a thousand, and the dog responded to it without the old reactions. So I legally changed my name. I chose Shay myself. Changing it had the same freeing effect on me. I’m not recommending you change your name! But, I just thought it was a story you might enjoy knowing about.
PS–don’t ALL healthy babies have fat cheeks and thighs???
I LOVE-LOVE-LOVE that you gave yourself a new name. In High School I was obsessed with giving myself a new name. And I suppose I did that with the blog. Truly, more people know me as Belette than as my non-Belette name.
p.s. They do. I guess I was supposed to have high cheek bones and buns of steel.
Ehem *cough cough*… Don’t forget the exclusivity of one name usage bestowed unto me and only me… Hehehe..!
So yesterday I saw Black Swan, and it was very much about this concept (in addition to other craziness/sexiness), and how perfection-seeking is one of the most self-destructive behaviors. It was a very intense movie, but I liked it–I’d be interested to hear your thoughts if you see it.
I’m very happy to read your blog today.
Check out my last post and you will see that I LOVED the Black Swan. Once I see it four more times I am going to write about it. It is definitely a movie about being the daughter of a woman with narcissistic wounding and the kind of perfectionism that creates. It was also the best ride I have been on in a long time.
Thanks, lovely!
First welcome back. I’m glad you decided to carry on; you are one of the few blogs where a degree on intelligent dialogue exists and for that I thank you.
You have highlighted one of my more masochistic streaks in this post. I find it sad that I have limped from one hyper critical partner to the next, you are, and I have said this before very lucky to have found a man who supports you and makes you feel good about yourself.
I do however recognise that whole depreciate yourself thing before some else does. My mother brought me up in a hyper critical bubble too she is not so bad to my face now, but too late, the damage is done, because I have currently one of the most hyper critical partner’s you could imagine.
It is interesting that if what you say is true that he is worse on himself than others and indeed he is. I have been told it also masks a lack of confidence and I have always felt he has a chip on his shoulder about his so called humble origins and so enjoys homing in on other peoples shortcomings like a blood sport.
My mother is convinced men leach off my confidence; well I wish I had the guts to tell her that it’s her fault that I learnt to love my self and become armour plated.
Well done too, for the weight loss you must live in the worst city to be even teeny tiny kilo over skeletal. In Blighty men like them with meat!
Thank you, it is so nice to be back and I so value all you add to the conversation. Truly, this blog would be nothing without the wonderful conversation that happens here in the comments.
I think the only reason I managed to marry someone who isn’t at all critical of me is that my nanny’s husband loved me unconditionally. I was also fortunate to have an incredible grandmother who gave me unconditional love. Without them I can only imagine where I would be( my hunch is that I would have ended up in rehab and/or dead and I am not kidding).
Whenever I dare to say anything positive about myself I always feel like I need to do a 30 minute disclaimer that I don’t think so much of myself first. It is a shame. It is so easy to say so many wonderful things about you: you are smart, stylish, highly talented, beautiful and an incredible mother. See how easy that was? And it is all true!
It is so sad that our mothers felt so bad about themselves that they taught us to do the same.
LOL! Happily He-weasel is like the men in Blighty. He is always telling me “no more weight loss”—I don’t like stick-women. “
Belle, I do the same thing to myself. I think that only children have this deep seated perfection gene that rears it’s ugly head. I also think that for some it is a misguided way of “helping” the other person become perfect as they assume everyone would like to be. I can’t help that I am a detail person and do the same examination whether it be a plant, a cracker, or a pet. I am just uncomfortable when anything is not as I visually think it should be. ugh. I hate it. I am afraid to see the Black Swan as I think it would disturb me greatly.
You know, I found Black Swan to be enlightening in that it makes so very conscious what happens when we over identify with the positive. It is a lesson in valuing the dark side. It is when she integrates the other( the dark side, in that much talked about sex scene) that she gets her real power. She lets go of that identification with the perfect and all good and the birth of a powerhouse is born. I think it is really beautiful and liberating, your milage may vary.;-)
I wonder if there isn’t a tendency among mothers in general to be hyper-critical of daughters? My mother had wanted a son so much that I grew up feeling I was a not particularly worthy consolation prize considering all the trouble I’d put her through in getting born. So I overcompensated until the day I knew I’d never live up to all her dreams and we began to walk the long road of mutual understanding.
We tend to worry ourselves sick about our appearance. I know I do and I’ll tell you as well that dreams of losing teeth can come true no matter how much you wish they wouldn’t, nor how much money and sheer agony is involved. I have implants to hold an upper denture in place and have just learned I need more surgery to save the implants. Fixing lines and wrinkles has once again taken a back seat to eating and smiling.
Please do cut yourself some slack and allow yourself to enjoy the results of your efforts and understandings. One day the baby you that you love in hindsight will be the you as you are right now. That seems to be the way of growth.
I do think that there is a tendency of mothers to see their daughters as personal mirrors. I also think that mothers with narcissistic wounding do it much more so.
I wonder, do you think that you felt you developed the masculine side of yourself( your animus) more as a way to connect with your mother and/or as a way to give her what she wanted?
Oh, sweet you, I am so sorry to hear about your teeth. I hate to hear that you are going through this/
It is so much easier to love ourselves in the rear view mirror. Don’t you think?
I heard on NPR there was a study done about beauty. The study started in London and ended up in LA, CA. The study showed a picture of a woman to a focus group across the geographical area. In London the woman was considered beautiful and as the study progressed across the country the focus groups incrementally found the woman to be less beautiful until it reached LA where she was decisively thought to be down right ugly!!! All this flaw finding is we Americans buying into the proscribed sick ideal of what is considered beautiful in this country and unfortunately you are in the epicenter of that totally skewed ideal. I hate what we value as beautiful in the US and the bizarre attempts people go to recapture that former “beauty”. Babies are supposed to be fat. That’s what makes their brains grow. Fat babies are healthy babies, well ok there is a limit, and fat babies sleep good and generally don’t have colic. Your mother has totally bought into what the marketers have worked so hard to sell her. I bet her house was filled with Vogues, Glamours, WW Daily etc when you were growing up. Just another sign of an ignorant shallow mind.
Sure I look in the mirror and wish I had that tight skin when I was a younger woman, but I know that I am so much more beautiful because of what I have learned and experienced during those years when elasticity was waving bye bye that I am learning to overlook it. I just won’t be going to LA anytime soon!
Good post.
So disturbing! Really. And I have to say that I don’t find the L.A. ideals of beauty to be so beautiful. I prefer the French ideal of idiosyncratic beauty. I like the smile with the gap in it. I like a strong nose. And wild women hair. L.A. beauty isn’t so beautiful, at least to me.
Hmm… I don’t think I had colic. If I did I am SURE I would have heard about it. And, yeah, my parents were in the fashion business. That world did seem shallow to me. I know there is depth to fashion…I just didn’t see a lot of it.
I LOVE that you see your beauty and that you can own it. That is BRILLIANT!
“we all tend to expect others to treat us the way that our parents did”—- Oh, wow, that is something I will be thinking about for a while.
I’m glad He-Weasel didn’t change his nose; even though I’ve never seen it, I am sure it is fine. I myself have a big nose, and I always thought I’d change it; but then I started noticing other people with distinctive noses and realizing that I thought they were attractive, and how sad it would be if so-and-so “fixed” their nose. I have nothing against plastic surgery, but too many people use it to erase the interesting aspects of their faces.
Oh, and you made me google Olay Pro X.
I am so glad you didn’t change your nose. It would be a much less beautiful world if we all had the same nose.
LOL! I should have taken a picture of me in the Jason mask that comes in the Olay Pro X treatment. It might have scared you off.;-)
Hullo you,
Y’know I read the first part of that and feel very happy for you. I read the second part and feel incredibly sorry for your mother, for the fear and anxiety she must have for herself in the need to criticise others, for the inability to see how wonderful her own child is, how that should reflect on her as a human being and how much she is missing in denying herslf and those closest to her the happiness they deserve. How long she has been faced with those realities and been unable to face them for the insignificant trivialities they are.
She is a sad woman indeed.
You, on the other hand, if you weren’t a Bellete would be a reynard my dear.
I’m glad that you can see that the issues you have been bequeathed say so much more about her than about you – even though you need reminded of that often. Remember too you live in a society that is obsessed with what is on the outside, the society most focussed on that in the world perhaps. With your knowledge of the inner self I hope you see that the shell is not so important really. The heart is the thing. If you are beautiful, it’s from the inside. Anything else is just smoke and mirrors. You are fortunate. You have achieved, you have love, you are needed and desired, you have recognition and you have a future. That’s quite something in life.
And as I’m sure I said once before; if He-Weasel and Lily think your the dogs do-dahs, why would you need to worry about anyone else.
{remember the no-pants rule!}
regards,
Al.
I too feel sad for my mother. I wish she had lived her life knowing that her inner beauty was valuable. It breaks my heart to hear her at her happiest when someone compliments her on her appearance. It is a sad way to live. I wish it could have been different for her.
I am lucky to be loved. I am so lucky to have my He-weasel and Lily and all that I have achieved. However there is a lifetime of training to see myself as an object—-and that comes from the culture, commercials, magazines, Schopenhauerian competing for survival, and my mother. It is one thing to know intellectually these things. It is another thing altogether to slough off their influence. It is easier to lose weight than it is to lose that. That said, I am working on it.
Thanks so much for weighing in!(Pun intended;-).
I hope that you are able to truly enjoy what you have acheived through your weight loss and that firming process. If It makes you happy, I am glad you did it:)
It amazes me what people will put their children through. I had a wonderful childhood, but the past few years have had a mental beat-down from my mother as you know. And she doesn’t even see it.
It it is inspiring for me to see that great steps you have taken and things you have overcome to be who you are today.
You may have a hard time being happy with yourself, but know that you make MANY people (myself included) happier for knowing you.
I am glad I did both. I am hoping that I can be happy with what I did and not raise the bar and look for what else is wrong.
Sharon, I am so sorry you are going through this difficulty with your mother. I can only imagine how hard it is.
Thank you so much. I am touched. I am happier knowing all of you too, I really am.
Your mother sounds dreadful. But of course, I know, she is a person, and perhaps in her shoes it feels differently. We all sit inside ourselves – some of us have the ability to try and improve and others don’t. I will try not to judge her. As for the skin firming? What worked best?:). Do I have to go for lasers or will the Peter Roth do it? Love you. Glad you are back.
I think it has been hard to be her. She had a very difficult childhood and I think she has seen her appearance to be her ticket to love and happiness. Truly sad.
As for the skin firming? Well, for sure the titan improved my jaw line. The results are impressive and they say that the peak result happens six months after the treatment—so I have five months to see the full results.
I can tell you that the Roth serum is a miracle in a bottle. Using it for just one week and the results were more profound than the Titan, at least so far.
Love you too. I am too.xo
LBR:
I felt like you were writing parts of my life history. Then I read the comments and see how many of us share the same story. It makes me sad and yet, it also makes me hopeful. I hope that we can one day love and accept ourselves and find beauty in our “flaws”. I also hope that we can be better role models for the younger generations. Great post!
L
I am so sorry you relate. I am so sorry that so many do. It is a shame. Wouldn’t it be nice if we could have our beauty celebrated instead? It is never too late to celebrate our beauty! I celebrate yours!
Thanks, L!
First of all, Madame Belette, I am SO glad you decided to keep your blog going! Bravo for sticking to your guns.
Second, oh girl, my DAD does the same thing as your mom in terms of finding flaws in everyone. He’ll be watching TV and will comment all the time on how some normal-sized woman looks fat or has huge thighs, etc. This drives my mother and me insane, but we realized he might have a very different standard of what is beautiful, no doubt fueled by many trips to East Asia where all the women are tiny. However, there was definitely an a-ha moment when you said you realized your mom finds flaws because she’s insecure with herself; that is probably the case with padre too. To be fair, though, he definitely noticed when I lost weight recently and gave me quite a few compliments.
Which leads me to the third point: yes, it’s totally weird to have a thinner body when you’re so used to being chubby. It feels great, of course, but wow does it feel weird. I lost about 10 pounds last month, and it was a bizarre feeling to have lots of my clothes be too big for me. What do you mean I’m not a size 14 anymore and a 12 is becoming too big for me??
In any event, well done to everything, and mad props to He-Weasel for being the loving, supporting He-Weasel that he is
Thanks, Rabia. I am glad I did too.
Several years ago I did a GoGirl! training and I was stunned to read the impact of growing up learning that bodies are to be commented on. I thought it was the norm. Now when I hear others do it or when I do it I find myself stunned by how normalized this behavior has become.
I am happy your dad could celebrate in your success. I hope he could reflect your beauty to you no matter what your size.
10 pounds!! Congrats to you!! I am very happy for you. And I am so happy you found the Roth book helpful. It has been a life changer for me.
He-weasel is a great guy. He is constantly saying wonderful things about me and I am sadly minimizing his compliments. I say, “you say that because you love me.” I need to stop doing that.
I am all too familiar with the feeling that I must reveal my faults to you before you can mention them to me, so that you will know that I am aware of them. What I gather about you from reading your words is that you are a person of tremendous beauty both inner and outer, and that your vulnerability and humanness enhance your beauty. I too hope that through the process of your writing this lovely blog that you begin to shake loose of your personal fault finding tendency and fully embrace your beauty, flaws and all.
Last night He-weasel told me “You are a hottie, you know?” I said, “I do.” “No, really. You are,” he went on. Because of writing this post I decided to just take in his perception of me. Why can’t his perception of me be more true than the “short neck” or whatever else my inner critic says to me? Right? I do think that writing this blog has changed my self perception a lot. I don’t imagine I would have lost the weight or came to the insight about weight without it. I am continually amazed how writing a blog can change your life.
And I thank you so much. I am breathing in and not minimizing your view of me. Thank you!
I love this post and I LOVE the comments. We are in total sync today as I have been mulling over the same feelings. It sounds like so many of us had the same mother. And you…to me are so gorgeous. I’m so glad you are back!
We sure are in sync, huh? I was amazed when I read your post and yet I know that we have lots in common. I LOVE the comments. LOVE them. I LOVE seeing how much we all have in common. It is so easy for me to see all of your beauty. It is always harder to see our own.
LBR you have more than earned the right to be happy and I see by your actions that you are on a mission of self improvement…congratulations on your goal weight…you must be feeling pleased.
I am happy with achieving the goal I set for myself. And, yeah, I would like to lose 10 pounds more. But if I don’t, I would be happy with what I achieved and staying where I am.
Why is it that women are so good at tearing themselves down? But, we are. I’m in hatred of my thighs, or this, or that. I don’t know many women who don’t do this in some way or another. We all seem to struggle to like ourselves as we are. to just be happy with ourselves.
And yes, for most people it comes back to their parents, particularly the mother. My mom wasn’t highly critical of me – but she was highly critical of herself. I think I definitely gained some of those characteristics from her.
It was always funny, in some ways, i was entirely oblivious to the way i looked. I still almost never wear make up. I didn’t even own make up until i was 22. but, my body, well, i’m very good at obsessing over fat here or fat there.
My mom was highly criticized by her mother. nothing was ever good enough. So, I know where her self-hatred comes from.
I am glad to see she’s made headway in the past few years, and I definitely have. It is a tough battle to overcome.I hope, I really hope, that mamas today are teaching their daughters more self-love and less self-criticism.
As scary as it is, you can love yourself as you are. Everyone else sees how amazing you are – and you can see this about yourself too. Good luck, you are a strong lady with such strong awareness.
I was thinking about how mothers who don’t criticize their kids but do criticize themselves and I think that kids do take in mother’s self loathing. I fear I would have been this kind of mother. I would given my child unconditional positive regard and then she/he would have seen my self loathing internalized that.
I am working on self-love and taking in your love and everyone else’s. Thank you for seeing me the way you do.
Hooray for being happy today. That’s really the only time we have for being happy, right? Today, this minute that we are in.
You are doing such good work on rewriting your inside stories! This seems so very constructive — telling the old story so you can see where it came from and why and then imagining how to break its grip on you. When you have your flaw-goggles on, I recommend a long visit to Already Pretty — I know Sal reads you. She’s very good at clouding up the flaw goggles so much that you want to take them off.
All that said, I am glad I am not the only one who wants to know, “Firm skin, how do I get me somma that?”
Thanks, sweet Dorothea.And you are so right on, Sally is BRILLIANT when it comes to teaching the gospel of self-acceptance. Love her!
Yeah, I will tell you that my Firm Skin recipe is a BRILLIANT one. Try for yourself and thank me later!
This is a fabulous post… and you are not alone in this self “flaw” finding exercise. For me it started about a year after my accident and became more real after a dear friend made a comment about how if she had my “PRE-Accident” body she would definitely feel worthy of the man she wanted to date ~ after I commented how wonderful she was and he would be a fool to not see that ~ of course she did not realize that her statement was cementing in mind just how aweful my post accident body was… to this day that statement comes into my mind often.
Congrats on the weight goal success!!! I’m working on mine and starting to see some progress. xo HHL
Ugh, I am so sorry your friend said that ugly thing to you. You are beautiful—pre, post and always. ALWAYS.
Happy to hear about your progress. Congratulations!
My mom and I do beauty treatments together. While we work on our outer beauty we spend the time joking, laughing and working on our inner beauty. We tell each other what we love about each other and what we love about ourselves. lol
A good sense of humor will add a glow that products can’t mimic.
NIce. You are so very lucky. That is a beautiful thing.
I have plenty of humour, i could use a little more glow.;-)
hmmm, I have apparently picked up a variant strain of the flaw-finding bug. If I’m brave enough, I may do a post on it. I’ll let you know if I do. Suffice it to say that this post and all the comments are what will bolster my courage. Good grief, is it any wonder women suffer from depression at such a high rate? We’ve internalized hate and revulsion and expect that it won’t wreak havoc?
I hope you do write a post on it. Please let me know if you do.
This internalized hate and revulsion is something that all of society pays a price for. If we stopped hating ourself and spent that energy on something constructive just think how wonderful it would be.
You look gorgeous no matter what, but I am happy for you about reaching your goal weight.
“I prefer the French ideal of idiosyncratic beauty.”
Me too.
I wonder if your mother is also not happy unless dissatisfied.
She missed an opportunity to relish a gorgeous baby.
Thanks, Susan. You are a sweetheart.
Idiosyncratic beauty is sooooooooo much better than cookie cutter beauty.
And thanks, Susan. Your warm words touched my heart.
This one makes me sad as well Miss LBR, on so many levels, none more so than the reality of adults imposing such atrocious behavior and value judgments on a young, defenseless child.
The “I’m not happy unless I’m miserable” resonates for so many of us, what a long time it took to get away from that.
It is such a relief to know you are better, on many levels. Hugs to the entire family of Weasels!
tp
It is sad. And yet I am so happy to have a space where others can share their experience and we can all start to reclaim our beauty.
Thanks so much, Princess. The weasel family sends love and hugs to the Preppy family.
We are our own worst critics! It’s so sad that we look to the best in others, but put ourselves down constantly! Mothers can do so much damage so easily, and I’m not sure they all realize it. Glad you’ve gotten better and are feeling good! I’m awaiting your before and after pics!
I am thinking my bday might be a fun day to do my before and after. I am going to give it some thought. I would love to do something fun.
Long ago I managed to internalize the notion that when someone pays a compliment, the only acceptable response is, “Thank you.” To deny the compliment is to refuse a gift, and/or to tell the other person that you don’t value their opinion. Being willing to just say thanks somehow made me more willing to believe those compliments. Not a total solution, but an improvement, anyway.
Thank you is a beautiful and powerful thing to say to a compliment. I need to work on this with He-weasel. He gets tired of my deflecting. Thank you!
Chubby, rosy babies are the most gorgeous, hardy things – I really can’t believe that they could be confused with anything else. I can see (by your gorgeous adult self) that you would have been a beautiful baby. (It seems especially strange, as a side note, that your mother – who struggled so hard to have a healthy, hale baby – would think of your chubbiness as anything other than power and health.)
On another note, I feel your epiphany in this post – about not being happy unless you are dissatisfied – is a huge realization. I need to sit in the dark and mull that over as it pertains to me.
The epiphany is so big that I wrote about it again for tomorrow. I am still breathing it in. I hope you share what comes to you when you do your mulling.
“I am not happy unless I am dissatisfied” — isn’t that what drives a lot of people to great success? And then they go crazy once they meet their goals and there’s nothing to fight for?
It is. But once they get it then they get depressed and have the “Is that all there is?” syndrome. Peggy Lee knew what she was talking about.
P.S. My mother wasn’t combative with me — she used to tell me that I looked like a “movie star.” We give out a lot of compliments in my family. But I still find fault with myself constantly!
Does your mother find fault with herself constantly?
We got to stop being too critical about ourselves to be happy and I know it is hard to do. Nice post, I enjoy very much.
Thanks, Quay Po! So nice to meet you. I hope to see you here again!!
Oy. I think your mother and mine were twins separated at birth. My mother used to grab my school yearbook out of my hands the minute I brought it home, and pronounce judgement on every girl in it as though she were judging a beauty pageant. Same thing, “she’d be cute if her nose wasn’t so big.” “She has pretty hair but a horse face.” And my appearance was constantly critiqued as though I were a contestant on ANTM. Like you, I learned to pick myself apart, flaw by flaw. But I’m learning to shut off that voice, or at least swat it away like a pesky fly.
I’m glad all that stuff worked to firm up your skin. I’m getting a bit saggy as well, may need to get some of that Peter Thomas Roth stuff after all. Congratulations on achieving your goal weight!
Oh no! I am sorry you had one of these too. Our mothers sound so very much alike. Learning to shut that voice off takes a lot of work. Good for you for doing it.
The PTR serum and the mask is seriously powerful You’ll thank me.
And thanks! I am still thinking 10 more pounds is where I want to be. But I am so proud of getting to this starting goal. I did it!
I can so relate to this post. I am always seeking out flaws in myself, if not physical than personality or otherwise. And like you, I am so not critical of other people. Not all. I too find what others might consider flaws or failings to be that which makes them truly unique, appealing and wonderful. Somehow, for me, self-criticism feels familiar I guess. I so hope you can love the present moment you as much as the baby you. I know you absolutely deserve it.
Familiar is such a great word. Of the family. Yeah, these criticisms are “familiar”.
I do love the baby me that is in me. I am less in love with the me that brought me from there to here—but I am working on it.
Years ago I went to a psychologist to save my marriage(which died anyway)and when he asked me to describe my parents I went into how they looked. I didn’t even realize how much I focused on how people looked instead of what they were until he told me. I realized that my whole family valued how you looked above all. Having a beautiful sister and not being so myself, I always felt inadequate and rather miserable. It took me a long time to get past that and even now, if I am with my sister (now on her fourth marriage so her looks didn’t make for a happy life) I feel like the ugly duckling. It’s amazing what goes into shaping who we become.
What an interesting insight that you came to. And, I can see from your picture, you are BEAUTIFUL. I am so sorry that your family made you feel less than. Mine did too. I definitely relate to the Ugly Duckling story. But you know how that story ends?? Hello, Swan-Linda!
Your problem is that you nitpick flaws. Just do what I do and assign myself the identity of one giant, undifferentiated flaw. Of course, unlike our esteemed hostess, I am not a babe. He-Weasel’s right, ya know.
I do. And you, my friend, have no idea how amazing you are. You are.
And thanks, I appreciate it.
A little late but I was not going to miss reading this…your mom is not the only one with that habit….I hear that a lot, apparently no one listened to Jesus (ha ha) when he said that one should overlook others’ faults
I also understand when you say “I am not happy unless I am dissatisfied”, I see that in a lot of people…hmmm…
Well, for now I am entirely impressed with you reaching your ideal weight and for not having flan face… : ) xoxo
Some people make a religion out of finding faults.
Thanks, Mona!xo
I find myself so related with things you say….
Thank you so much, ma belle, for the kind and nice comment and the wishes on my blog.
Much love
xoxo
Happy Birthday, gorgeous!xoxo
hey Belle, congrats on reaching your goal weight!! you set out to do it and you did it, enjoy and have fun feeling good.
oh i know, the whole feeling good about ourselves is a tough one. i heard something recently, i’m not sure where, and i loved it. it was said… ‘when you look in the mirror what do you like about yourself?’ i thought this was powerful. this is a perspective we forget about.
there on the couch i began thinking… i like my eyes, i like my lips… and it feels nice to say so. maybe if we get used to saying what we like, we will re-train ourselves.
i think you are the prettiest… beauty and brains! it’s ok to take a deep breath and receive it!
hugs!!
Thanks. It does feel good to get down to where I wanted.
The training I got in the dark arts of flaw finding makes me eye not see the good, it ONLY looks for the bad. I can’t even see it. Okay, not entirely true. My eye colour is nice. I have a nice mouth. My hair is good. I am all out of parts. But it leas there is something to like. RIght?
Thank you! I am breathing that in!
xo
You were “obese”? I was “skinny”… Not funny either…
We will never be happy about the way we look… I wish I could see what others see in me when facing a mirror… I don’t… I guess I never will… I kind of gave up trying to be that girl ages ago…
I just try to accept what people tell me and avoid mirrors as if they were devilish objects…
Warmest hugs to you my dear friend, XXX
Neither are funny. No laughter here.
I too see the mirror as a devil to avoid.
And you, lovely, you ARE beautiful. You ARE. It is just true.xoxo
I hate my big teeth and long neck! Like actually my long neck is one of my least favourite body features. SO that sentence you wrote made me laugh a lot. Also congrats on reaching goal weight! xx
Can I have your big teeth and long neck, please???xo
Thanks for sharing this.
Nevertheless, I think you are just right.
Thank you, Elizabeth. Your support has been so important to me.
I am near tears with this post. Partly over the baby love you have for yourself, how I love that and how I’ve felt (a little) the same myself, for my babyself. Also, partly over this, “when my mother is finding fault with me or you or anyone and everyone it is because she is constantly doing that to herself.” Umm, that might just be myself defined (gulp).
My heart aches to imagine that perhaps there exists somewhere a person who can’t find love for their babyself. Can you imagine? Sniff.
Hugs to you, beautiful. I hope you know you are so beautiful, inside and out. You do know that?
Wow. You hit the nail on the head, big time. This is seriously going to help me to think about my very dysfunctional relationship with my mother…