On the way to Igor’s today my mind went to a memory that I don’t like to think about. It is a memory that I have locked off and put in solitary confinement. As that wasn’t enough to protect me from this dreaded memory I also installed locks, guards, barbed-wire and other defenses such as denial, repression and a fire-breathing dragon or two to guard against it entering my consciousness. However today this memory got free and it surfaced into my conscious mind. At first I resisted it, but it was too strong. I relented to the memory and went on a trip in my own personal time-traveling anxiety machine, and went back to the day that He-weasel lost his job only two short months after moving to Austin. I remember all the details of the moment like it is a photo that I have studied and that someday soon someone will test me on it. ”Where were you?” What were you wearing? What music was playing in the background?” “What exactly did He-weasel say?” “What did you do after?” I can tell you all these things and much more in the most minute of detail. And I can tell you that today, almost three years later, that when I think about that day that I feel sick. Not just a little nauseous, rather full on PTSD related nausea that requires a couple of slurps of Pepto Bismo and an Ativan chaser.
As I was reliving this horrible day in my head I started to do a comparative study and tried to think of a day that might make me feel sicker—not that I wanted to feel sicker, my masochism does have its limits, I just wanted to know that there had been worse days in my life. And I could find plenty of bad days to turn to. Trust me, there have been plenty. Let me give you a sense of how many. One therapist that I saw for only one session, told me that I had too many traumas for her to process. Just her hearing my history had given her a bad case of vicarious traumatization. I tell you that not to brag (I am truly not a trauma overachiever) about my impressive trauma history but just to make it clear that I have some shit days I could call on. When I thought about the top ten traumas I couldn’t get any of them to feel worse than the day in Austin that He-weasel lost his job. This is what is really interesting. This is what made me see the significance of this memory that came to mind. It isn’t true that there are no worse days than this one. I think anyone would say that one’s husband losing their job is not as bad as almost getting killed. In the hierarchy of shit it is clear, obvious and indisputable that death is worse than job loss. But as much as I tried to make these other memories feel worse, I just couldn’t. For today the job loss felt like the worst thing that ever happened to me.
Let me back up a bit. When we moved to Austin I was sad about leaving Lake Bluff, as you might imagine, and I was still grieving that we had officially given up on TTC*. However as soon as we got there I found myself surprisingly determined to make the best of it. I worked hard at imagining a new life there and having a good attitude and I really believed that we would make it work and be happy and that all would be well. Sure, I moaned and bitched and grumbled but at heart I really was surrendering to our new life and to making the best of it. And as soon as I began to really surrender that is when He-weasel lost his job and all hell broke loose.
As you may know, I just recently got to a place of accepting and actively choosing to stay in Southern California. It has taken two-years of therapy, a lot of moaning and writing and more moaning to get to this place of being okay with where I am. Now that I have two offices and a practice here it seems pretty official that we are staying. I think Pasadena is a brilliant choice for us and I have very little in the way of doubts. Now, let me be totally honest, I am pretty dispassionate about this choice. I feel fine about it and maybe even content-ish—and those are words I don’t usually use. I like words like ‘love’ and ‘hate’. ‘Content’ and ‘fine’ seem kind of blah. For me, to use those words is progress. I think? Another sign of progress is that I dreamt about being back in Lake Bluff and I didn’t wake up sad and full of longing.
The biggest progress, I think, is that today I am thinking about the day He-weasel lost his job. I have a theory on why this is true and Igor backed up my hypothesis. Here it goes: I am thinking about that day because I am at a place of wanting to be here. And now that I want to be here my anxiety is reminding me of the last time I surrendered to staying in a place that I wasn’t altogether sure about. My psyche is saying, “see, remember what happened. If you settle down and decide to stay here then all hell will break loose.” As soon as I articulated this to Igor I knew how true it was. Igor seems to think that this anxiety is so up for me is the best sign of all and that it means that I really want to be here. He was much more upbeat about it than I am, however he doesn’t get nauseous, cold sweats and heart palpitation like I do when I have to talk about this miserable memory.
I am afraid that now that I want to be here, now that I don’t want to go, that something bad will happen and He-weasel will lose his job and other bad things that my anxiety refuses to specify. I know intellectually that there is no way that He-weasel is losing his job but even to write that feels like we are now immediately doomed and everything is about to go terribly wrong. Several times while writing this post I have had to stop myself from calling He-weasel at work in order for him to reassure me that all was well. I have so far resisted. However if tonight when he comes home if he asks me to go out to dinner with him, and he suggests the Mexican restaurant across the way, I will not go with him. I will not sit on the patio. I will not sit in a chair that faces the fountain. I will not order a double margarita with extra salt. And if he gently broaches the subject with “I don’t think this job is going to work out” I will change the subject and change it fast.
*TTC: Trying to conceive
Note: I found a picture of the restaurant where this happened. I almost included it in the post, only I couldn’t stand to see it. It was so triggering that I decided to skip it. No need to cause any self-inflicted pain in the name of accuracy.
Your psyche needs to stop offering her two cents’ worth. It’s about time she allows you the happiness you deserve.
I wish my psyche was as sweet as you.:-)
I too remember your posts before and after the event… I actually can remember the post where you asked us to guess where you might be moving to, isn’t that weird? I think having read your blog I could sense the shock and awe in your voice that you would be living way out of your comfort zone, a bit like me having to move to Birmingham! Whilst it seemed unjust to be so summarily ejected from Austin I would far rather live where you do now. From an art perspective it does seem a place with a beat I would like to experience.
It is weird. And it so reminds me why and how much my blog has been my home during all of my changes of address. Thank you for staying with me during all the years.
I do think I could have been happy in Austin. And now I think I can be happy here. There is definitely a better art scene here. I hope some day you come and see it for yourself.
I think your self-analysis sounds spot-on, truly. It’s funny (NOT ha-ha) how happiness triggers anxiety. Or maybe it’s the comfort. It makes us vulnerable.
Happiness does make us vulnerable—as soon as we are happy we are aware it can be taken away from us.
The first thing that came to mind regarding this time around was, well, now *your* job is here. Doesn’t that count at all?
It does. But the fear is not so logical.;-)
Darn memories!
Your psyche and my psyche need to get together for a play date – during that play date whilst they are playing in the sandbox, you and I could take off and run for the hills!
Oh crap…that’s right….the whole….”wherever you go, you take yourself (psyche) with you” stuff applies here. My bad
Sounds like where you are is getting a bit more comfortable with each passing day. I do wish and hope for you that your comfort turns to happiness and then eventually serenity.
It is too bad that psyche won’t got on vacation without us, or let us go on vacation without it. Sadly there is no getting away from psyche.
THanks, lovely. I appreciate your hope and wish for me. I think I am moving in the right direction even if it means I have to travel through some hard stuff.
As I read through this post, my inner voice kept saying “it’s all about control”, which is just an illusion anyway. That is where some of the books such by Susan Jeffers and Eckert Toll have helped me. I hate that taut feeling of always being on guard. I am working on this every day. When you just say yes to whatever happens, life becomes easier. If only i could say yes to the airplane ;-/. I’m not saying it’s easy, just saying that when I can remain in that mindset, it’s much more peaceful.
I think it will all be fine. I have a childhood friend that lives in Pasadena, one of my friends here just visited and said I must see her house and view from her patio. If I conquer that fear, I just may get out there!
I hope someday soon you can say that to an airplane. I hope you are able to travel to L.A. and see me, your old home and your friends. We would all love to see you.
I think another factor is that you’ve allowed the memory to surface because you’re so much stronger and you can deal with now, as unpleasant as it is. Give yourself some credit for that.
I am stronger. And I thank you for seeing it. And I am going to take that credit. Thank you.:-)
I feel your pain and anxiety so intensely and wish that there was a way to make it go away. I love the way you so elegantly piece the puzzle together, and although the pieces are falling into places it doesn’t make the anxiety any better. I am glad that you are coming to terms with living in Southern California, and sorry that the acceptance has unleashed unpleasant memories.It will be interesting to see where you are with all of this a year from now. xo
You are so profoundly empathic. I am always so touched by your feeling reaction to my post and how you feel along with me.
Isn’t it funny how acceptance can trigger so much *stuff*? It always surprised me. And, yeah, I am VERY interested to see where I will be in a year. VERY.xo
I call it waiting for the other shoe to drop! It never fails that when things are going well something has to come and piss on your cornflakes!
I am putting a lid on my cornflakes, just in case.;-)
Memories… Your post just took me back to 2001…
I went to the ob/gyn… “L, there’s a tumour in your uterus”… Then I came out of his office and my phone rang… My ex had just lost his job…
Worst day… By far…
XXX
Oh, sweet you. What a HORRIBLE day. Ugh. I am sorry I took you back there. Big hugs to you.xoxo
I see you still haven’t taken up my advice of creating a animatronic clone to work in Pasadena while you & He-Weasel move back to Lake Bluff. The clone can send you the money.
Embrace the traditional American ‘oh crap, work’ and repeat to yourself that he’s doomed to never ever ever lose his job. Even if he likes his job, perhaps you can soothe the savage loss beast.
Can you send me that clone recipe again? I lost the email with the directions in it.
This makes perfect sense Miss LBR, the “wanting to be here” can be so hard to get to, and I say that as a former TV vagabond (we change jobs & move every 2-3 years) always looking to “the next place”. Pasadena is so perfect for you, I love the area, but more than anything, I am happy you are getting to a place of peace.
Sending you a hug,
tp
Any chance you will come visit me in Pasadena? It is VERY preppy.
Hugs back to you!
As much as I feel for you, I now crave Mexican food.
Quiere Taco Bell?
What an understandable fear. It can take a lot to accept a place (if it wasn’t initially where you wanted to live)and I can totally understand how once you’ve accepted it, you don’t want anything bad to happen. It is so interesting how it came out through an old memory. I hope everything stays good for you in LA and you can settle down in Pasadena. I, funny enough, have been thinking about writing an entry on my feelings on Austin (where I live) and why I’m still in search of my home. Have a wonderful weekend! XoXo
Thanks, Nicole. Yeah, I was surprised how the anxiety came to me through a memory. In retrospect it makes sense. I would love to read about your feelings about Austin. And, if you want, I can send you the name of the Mexican restaurant to avoid.;-)
xoxo
Haha. I would love to know the name of the Mexican restaurant to avoid!
I can relate, and I am glad you did not have food poisoning at the restaurant.
xoxo
I was too sick to eat. But if I did eat I bet would have. It was that kind of day.xox
OMG, you have every right to PTSD++++++ and i do know just about how you feel, given we have no grape contract, no buyers and no guarantees, are talking about selling the house we built only 5 years ago and I am going to be the big 6 0 …. PTSD??? oh just a little…you are right to look it square in the eyes, be as anxious as your psyche needs and let time move it through as it always seems to…well, usually seems to, NOT that it won’t rear it’s ugly head now and then…
so darling, why don’t you go to a nice, say, Portuguese restaurant and have tapas or whatever the hell they serve in one, drink a BIG salted drink, there’s one, I am sure of that, and revel in your new life in Pasadena…it’s fantastic how things are going for YOU, my dear, YOU are doing YOUR life, perhaps that is why so many things seem to have “dropped into place”. in reality, it is YOU that has created it!
now if you can make sense of this comment, you are a very good therapist and if not, well, no matter, i will blame my french one, the one i am seeing again because of my PTSD
OH, and isn’t life a blast most of the time? hmmmm…there is a hollow ring to that but let’s just SAY it out loud and just maybe those like us might begin to not tremble at the thought…and find some wood somewhere, carry it on your keychain like me as i am superstitious and you need a little Scotch-Irish blood in you to get you that way so i have sent you some by way of fairy dust…now off with you and have a nice afternoon with many blessings. xxoxoxoxo
Oh, honey! I am so sorry. It has been a rough year for you. The good news is that 60 is the new 50. Right? Plus you are GORGEOUS and that transcends age.
I love your Portuguese restaurant idea. It would be a great to place to celebrate all the good. And I appreciate your saying that I am making this good stuff happen. It is nice to be reminded of that.
And, LOL!, I can make sense of your comment. That means I am a good therapist? Hooray!!
I have plenty of Irish/Scotch blood. But I never heard about the wood. Going to get me some, you can never be too careful.;-)
Thanks, lovely! I am laughing. No need to delete as it made me laugh and smile more and that is a good thing!:-)xoxoo
;D i needed to see if it would laugh with you if i put in the little face…see you soon, my love. xoxo :*
crap..thought at least i could delete…well please delete all of this nonsense…OCD a little, you know…and ADD, try that PTSD, OCD, + ADD. yeah..
I’m not sure if there’s a scientific proof for this but it seems only logical that next to the death of a close family member, the next most traumatic occurrence in average adult life is the loss of control encountered in losing one’s source of income. Whether one is on a chosen career path, or simply working at a job that provides the necessities, the devastation of losing that job has the same result.
In the circumstances of our entire society being based on a monetary standard rather than being more equitably resource related, there are any number of reasons why your fears are perfectly rational ones that are being proved true for millions of people every day.
You’re much stronger financially and emotionally than you were three years ago so I’m sure you needn’t worry about job loss as a factor for future plans. Still, it’s a good thing to keep in mind just how resilient and creative you are. The world will keep on changing and we can hope for better times.
I am very grateful to say that He-weasel’s job is very secure( knock wood). I feel so grateful that is true. And because I really know that is true I know how irrational my fear is. The irrationality speaks to this being more about the past than about the present.
Indeed, we are both stronger. I am grateful for the strength and resilience that these last years have engendered.
And, like you, I hope that the world situation changes. I feel a smidgen of hope after Obama’s speech. Naive of me?
I was reminded that as a child growing up in alcoholism, no matter how calm things seemed on the surface, the possibility of all hell breaking loose was always looming near by. I understand that anxiety when things get “too” comfortable.
It feels like someone is bound to screw it up.
You bring up a really interesting and relevant point. Adult Children of Alcoholics are always waiting for that other shoe to drop.
Aw. Here’s to benign Mexican food in your future.
Thank you, lovely!
I think it’s Mark Twain who has the quote about the cat who sits on a hot stove will never sit on a hot stove again but she’ll never sit on a cool one either. I feel like that cat a lot. That having dreamed and reached and lost big time that ever wanting, ever trying again is just asking for trouble. And so I hide out sometimes as if to avoid detection by the forces of chaos. But it doesn’t really work. It’s detrimental magical thinking because the bad news finds us anyway. But the good does too. And so it goes…
I think also maybe some of what is happening to is that Pasadena just feels more like rootedness. Liking the place you live is scarier than disliking it. You have something to lose again. And contentedness is scary too, especially if you are a person who has spent a great portion of life living in extremes. I remember once during a rather turbulent relationship in my 20s reading a quote by Arnold Palmer of all people who said that he and his wife liked their life with no drama, that they tried to keep things at 68 degrees. I remember being traumatized at the time, knowing that my partner wanted that kind of dispassionate life and that crazy me just couldn’t do that. Now, I see that it’s possible, although I still have to work at it. I think for people who grew up in certain ways, calm can seem more dangerous than drama. But content isn’t the slow death of the soul, it’s not giving up and it isn’t a tacit invitation to the gods of chaos.
Pasadena’s a good place to land. Full of older trees and older homes and older souls. It’s a wise choice. Trust it.
I hadn’t heard that Mark Twain story but that is it exactly. And I am definitely prone to some magical thinking—even as I *know* it is ridiculous.
And you couldn’t be more right. Yes, I am afraid of rootedness. I am guilty of being terrified of being happy where I am as that will mean I will lose it. Contentedness=boring. 68 degrees all the time? Ugh. Dullsville. I may never have another Arnie Palmer beverage just as to rebel against that monotony of weather. That said, I am starting to see that there is some wonderful things about being content. It will take some time and work for me to trust that I haven’t just invited the entire Pantheon to come and throw lighting bolts at all of Pasadena.
Thank you so much, Deidre. You totally get it. Thank you.
I am glad Igor agree with your analysis. Pasadena seems perfect. I really can picture you being happy there. Bookstores, cafes, houses with charm. I hope your new office digs are in a good location. Wouldn’t it be cool if you could walk to work? Is that possible?
There are some very cute neighborhoods near my office. I hope we will find a place that is walking distance. That would be so nice.
I know this kind of misses the point…but I can totally see you in Pasadena. I think you’ll love it there.
Maybe start with Chinese, though. Until you’re settled in.
XO
A.
oof. Well, it makes sense.
Still, can you tell your psyche to go surfing for a couple of hours while you and himself go out for a lovely dinner?
I wish. Sadly my psyche is like a shadow, I can’t lose it.;-)
I think I have learned a thing or two here, I saw your “lightbulb” moment, moments before reading you have it with Igor….the day my hubby got lost his job, we went to a Mexican restaurant and since then I can not go back there. Memory is a strong and powerful thing.
Oh no!!!!You too have Post Traumatic Mexican Restaurant Syndrome? We can beat this. Can’t we? Maybe the four of us should go out for Mexican food and break the curse.
Sure, I moaned and bitched and grumbled but at heart I really was surrendering to our new life and to making the best of it.
The above-quoted sentence could have been excerpted from my past 10.5 month life in central France…
And I promise you that I am excessively concerned about my husband’s mortality.
I share your excessive concern about mortality. This is another thing I think a lot about( especially since He-weasel’s health scare). I think about it the most when I am the happiest. Noticing a theme?;-)
As you know, I always agree with Igor. I think you are making huge, vast, extraordinary forward leaps, and these are your demons’ last minute efforts to interfere. To hell with them. And I wonder, also, if your feelings of being dispassionate, and content, and fine are self-protective? If you really allowed yourself to fall in love, you’d be vulnerable again. Your memory, perhaps, is telling you that you are more committed and eager than you want to believe. (This is just me, practicing therapy without a license again — I may be way off.)
Igor agrees with you too. He was really wowed by your garage dream interpretation( as was I). Thanks, lovely. I think I am making some big progress. I feel it. And yet a lot of it feels so intangible and vague that sometimes I wonder if it is true.
I feel sure that my dispassionate state is very self-protective. Every day I lived in Lake Bluff I would say out loud, “I am so lucky to live here.” I feel sure that is part of why we were expelled from Eden. I know that is totally irrational. And, yeah, I think that the memory is saying that I REALLY want to be here. Don’t you?
p.s. If it was in my power I would give you an honorary license.;-)
I’m so glad you have Igor to let you see things clearly. Now about the negative association with Mexican restaurants, would it help if you chose to make a happy memory out of a Mexican dinner? Maybe celebrate a birthday there and have fun? My own therapist wants me to go back to places and situations I’ve been avoiding precisely because they bring back bad memories. What do you think?
I eat plenty of Mexican food. However I can’t imagine ever going back to the place where I learned He-weasel lost his job. I would have to have a few margaritas before.;-) But, yes, certainly, it can be so valuable to go back and face your demons. Your therapist must think you are up to the challenge. What do you think?
You are really able to see this memory so immediately… ready to deconstruct it, to see it for what it is, anxiety and all. That feels like huge progress. You are perhaps feeling home? I so admire your courage at tackling these feelings! You are an inspiration and your honesty here encourages me in such huge ways.
What really strikes me here is that locks, repression, denial, barbed wire and fire-breathing dragons are all falling by the wayside as you lay waste to demons and claim your place. La Belette Rouge is a dragon-slayer. But I knew that already. Not that killing dragons is easy but perhaps it is easier than settling down.
I never thought I’d hear you worrying about potentially having to leave Southern California