In my last post I inadvertently came to that insight, and I am still processing it. I knew it before I wrote it and yet I didn’t. In writing it I could see how true it was and I immediately saw how when I get to a place of satisfaction or contentment( two words that I hate; I also hate the words ‘average’ and ‘ordinary’) I start to feel bored, depressed and unsettled. And so I start looking for something to fix, change or improve. A gazillion years ago, when I just married He-weasel, and I was in a short-lived( pre-Jungian therapy) Anthony Robbins phase( I can’t believe I am admitting to you that I owned and listened to the Awaken the Giant Within series—-oh,the shame!). Tony was big on acronyms. One of this mighty redwood of self-help’s favorite acronyms was “C.A.N.I.” which stands for constant and never ending improvement. I have forgotten most of what Anthony said on those tapes. I do remember that he used to live in a 500-square-foot bachelor apartment (which is a very small apartment if you are a giant) and that he had to wash his dishes in the bathtub ( I think I am remembering this right). It was living in such a tiny place that inspired him to do such great things. Hmmm…maybe that is why we are in 750-square-foot condo in which I have to do suffer the indignity of doing the dishes in a stainless steel dishwasher. Maybe I unconsciously think that this little place in which we live will be a launching pad for my infomercial empire? Okay, back to “C.A.N.I.” So, the two things that stuck with me were Tony’s square footage and his “constant and never ending improvement”. I have, ever since listening to Tony, been a convert to the idea of constant and never-ending improvement. And while that is all well and good it is also not so good and not going so well.
There are times when N.I.B.I.H. would be better. What does N.I.B.I.H. mean? I didn’t expect you to know because I just made this up. N.I.B.I.H. means ‘No improvements because I’m happy.’ Yeah, it seems rather lame compared to C.A.N.I. and yet I think N.I.B.I.H. might be something that I want to consider. Change is good. Striving is fantastic. But shouldn’t not stiving and enjoying what is be good, at least once in a while? I am not asking rhetorically. I need someone to either confirm or deny my tentative statement.
I know that my conversion to C.A.N.I.-ism likely came to me so easily because I tend to feel like I am not enough( some of that stems from what I talked about in the last post). My C.A.N.I.-ism can also, I think, be explained by the French Psychoanalyst André Green. I am reading Green’s famous article called “The Dead Mother.” It is the kind of text that is so dense, obscure and difficult that it makes me want to give up on reading psychoanalytic theory and go back to the self help section and embrace easy answers and promises of quick change. Anyway, Green argues convincingly that those of us who had a connection with mom, in early life, and then lost that connection( now we have it and now we don’t) tend to become meaning seekers. He says it is our way to try and make sense of Mom loving us one moment and then not loving us the next (Green says it leaves us with an emptiness depression in which we mourn the nurturing breast that was once there). People, according to Green, with this kind of wound tend to become meaning-seekers and do-ers. For these kind of people the meaning they find, the intellectual activity they pursue or the activities they engage in are never fully satisfying because they don’t fill the emptiness of the once-nourishing mother( at least that is what I think Green is saying).
Andre Green might explain my C.A.N.I.-ism like this: I felt loved and connected to mom. Then mom got depressed. I didn’t feel her love anymore. I don’t know why mom doesn’t love me. I blame myself. I can’t figure out what I did wrong. I start seeking explanations. In a kind of sublimative way I race from activity to activity and strive to fill that sense of not knowing with a sense of knowing. Only it never works and so I do it again. See?
Anthony Robbins, not being a psychoanalyst and instead being a TV Guru of instant change, would say there is nothing wrong with all this improvement seeking. He would say “How could there be anything wrong with continuing to get better and better?” Only he would say it in a booming male voice that was filled with passion. Green would laugh at him and say something condesending in French. Robbins would tell me to keep changing, growing, doing, and become. James Hillman, my boyfriend, would interrupt the discourse to tell me that growing and becoming are myths of the child. He would say that we can’t keep growing and becoming because we are adults and to stick with those avenue of pursuits is to stay in the child archetype and that adults need to give up “growth” and “becoming” as words that describe their experience. Green would begrudge Hillman’s unwelcome interruption and he would agressively exhale a plume of cigarette smoke onto my boyfriend. I would give Green a dirty look.
I will not likely give up my C.A.N.I. ways cold-turkey, the way I gave up Anthony Robbins. But I will take Green’s well made point to heart, that I keep accumulating lists of “to-do’s, to-change and to-becomes” and that I still don’t feel like enough. I hope that this awareness of “I’m not happy unless I am dissatisfied with something” will allow some movement and awareness and maybe some change of allowing some happiness without dissatisfaction. It is a good thing that I see Igor today,as I feel like he might have something to add to my imaginary conversation.
I loved your imaginary conversation. And probably Greene and most French “psys”would say something condescending or just smile condescendingly at self help authors
Your NIBI reminded of something I read here: http://marianne-elliott.com/2011/01/confessions/
And the acronyms also reminded me of the movie “The love guru”;)
Hugs!
THank you so much for sharing Marianne’s post with me. I loved it.
I didn’t see the Love Guru. SHould I ?
It’s a silly movie, with Mike Myers, so I would say only if you like that type of movies. The thing is that he makes fun of Deepak Chopra and uses acronyms in his “teachings”, for e.g:
D.R.A.M.A.: Distraction. Regression. Adjustment. Maturation. Action
G.U.R.U: Gee, You are you
B.I.B.L.E.: Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth
B.L.O.W.M.E.: Be loving and open with my emotions
I am also an overachiever (or a pretend to be overachiver, he) but I had always attributed it to being the older child…your article gives me food for thought as always!
C.A.N.I. sounds exhausting. In fact I know it is because I’ve been guilty of it myself. It’s no way to live your life though. If you never get time to stop and smell the roses then what are you striving for? More striving?
New year is the worst time for this sort of thinking. we’re supposed to look back on the year that’s just gone but instead we all talk about the things we want to change.
It is exhausting. It isn’t. I think that I might be quitting my C.A.N.I. practice. I am not sure what to do with myself if I am not striving. This will be a challenge.
I do think I need to do a 2010 review. ONly it is hard to do that without immediately going into what I need to do in 2011.
Your imaginary conversation was very clever!
Maybe it’s just as simple as having internalized the voice of the critical parent? Once I realized just how critical and unsatisfied my parents (especially my mother) were, I was able to ease up on myself a bit. I really cringe when people start talking about their Inner Child, but just recognizing that adult me was still responding to things that had been said to child me (and that ultimately had little bearing on reality) was helpful.
Thanks, Deja!
I think, for me, it is the critical parent and an absence that I am trying to make sense of. I could feel that it wasn’t working yet I didn’t know why I felt compelled to keep achieving. I think Green’s theory makes a whole lot of sense. Robbins doesn’t.
I agree with the previous comment that CANI sounds exhausting. And yet so many of us buy into this belief that we must constantly strive for improvement. Acceptance of self exactly where we are, acceptance of the absolute perfection contained within the imperfection is “growth”. It is an expansiveness in the awareness of ourselves and our lives. The only change that we need is to see that we are good enough as we are right now, in this moment.
Your writing is fresh, raw, and honest. Always a pleasure and delight to read.
Thank you so much, Davida. I so appreciate your feedback on the content and the writing. I love that you like the writing—it means a lot to me.
This reminds me a teeny bit of the impostor syndrome, in the sense that there is no personal definition of ‘enough’ when it comes to how we judge ourselves and function. not that it is an issue for me. (Heh, heh, heh.)
Sending you smiles Miss LBR,
tp
hehehehe:).
No, you are not an impostor; you are the REAL thing!
Smiles and hugs to you, lovely!
I’m of the C.A.N.I. variety I’m always looking forward to the next great thing. I feel like it keeps life exciting. But that doesn’t negate the good things I already have. I think you can enjoy the good things, but you still need something to wake up for in the morning besides patting yourself on the back, no?
Back patting is VERY important. The constant striving isn’t always good for me as my back patting is so short lived. It is always, “NEXT!”.
Awaken the Giant Jaw Within, the Secret of NIBIH, someone better call NATO. When happiness does arrive, it’s easy (expected?) to view it as fleeting, ephemeral. Oh sure, it’s nice now, but tomorrow it’ll probably be awful, as usual.
The glass-half-empty serves well, & much more realistic than its opposite, but its tiring. Too bad its comfortable, too, the devious bastard.
I don’t even trust the glass enough to say it is full or empty. I feel like if I pick it up that the glass might disappear as it was all just an illusion.
I had a friend in college, who ordered those Tony Robbins tapes after a really traumatic conversation with his parents, who had basically told him he was wasting his life and their money. The next day, he felt better and decided to return the tapes (which he said was a relief, because they’d cost him $200 that he didn’t have.)
Every time I see or hear about Tony Robbins, I think of that friend. Which I guess is a good thing, because he is a wonderful person despite never having completed that Tony Robbins course.
Having said all that, I think there are good things to learn from self-help books (as long as you don’t take them too literally). But I think there is a fine line between self-improvement and picking oneself apart.
I think your friend should thank his parents. He is likely better off not having taken in the tips that I paid $200 for and that I am still trying to recover from.;-)
Bingo, LBR! You just nailed it for me. N.I.B.I.H.! I have the same desire. I never felt connection with or approval from my mother. And I have always thought that if I just found the right activity or quest, I could fill myself. I have convinced myself that contentment is a kind of defeat. So I charge on to the next thing. But isn’t that sayng to myself that there is actually something that NEEDS changing. Why do I need improving if I am OK as I am? Instead of asking how to change myself I should be asking, “Why change?” I’m good enough right now. P.S. I had my moments with Tony Robbins, too! You are the best! Love you.
Doesn’t it make sense how that loss of mother love creates this incredible drive for meaning and achievement? It makes so much sense to me. As soon as I read it the bingo bells went off.
Love you too. And love that you also have dabbled with Tony.:-)
“C.A.N.I.” doesn’t sound happy at all… Not for me, no…
Oh wait… It does sound like me!! It’s not the square footage… I just converted my meters to feet… I actually prefer feet!! It’s not the same living in 130 square meters than living in 1,399.308 square feet!!
Now, seriously… “N.I.B.I.H.” reads like a better option… I will be aiming for that one… (As soon as I grow up…)
Tons of love! XXX
You live in 1,399.308 square feet? Now my C.A.N.I. button has been pushed. I MUST go find a bigger house.;-)
I wonder if N.I.B.I.H. is part of growing up. Huh?
Tons of love back to you!
xoxo
I do… and on my own at that… The advantages of living in the jungle I would say… (There had to be one!!)
I sometimes think that the most important task in life is figuring out when to try harder and when to bask in ego-less nirvana. I dunno. I really dunno.
But I thought you would know. My hunch is that you know a whole lot about balance. I think you do!!!!;-))))) Come on, spill the beans!
Tuesday. The answer is Tuesday for trying harder, all other days, nirvana. xox.
Nice. I KNEW you knew. Tuesday will be my day of striving. The rest of the days I will just bask.
This is a really great post. I share your predicament. Yes, not striving and enjoying once in a while — or most of the time, I’d say — is good, great, wonderful. Do that, and then come back and teach the rest of us how!
My hypothesis: CANI doesn’t work because it’s designed to be a treadmill, with the good thing always being the next thing (never-ending). Allowing yourself some NIBIH time (lots and lots) may help you discern what you do want to improve or alter, and what’s okay, and what’s marvellous. It’s the same principle, really, as eating only wonderful foods (a little Vosges, not a lot of Hershey’s) or buying only a few, perfect pieces rather than gorging on food or blah clothes that won’t really satisfy you.
You got it so right. CANI is a treadmill. You NEVER arrive with CANI. Ugh! No wonder I am so tired and my feet hurt and I want a nap. And, yeah, I imagine that if one was able to to more of NIBIH then they would have a better sense of what they really want to work on. I am presently working on rebuilding my wardrobe and I am only buying the highest quality and best items I can find. It takes time and energy to find what I really love but it is worth the wait. I am not sure if this really links to what you are saying but I think it does. Focusing on what you really want and not settling, that does relate.
What a compelling post! Very thought provoking and leaves me with so much to consider! What myths and terms in regard to experience do you think Hillman would approve of for adults? I am a big advocate of adult growth (my fatal optimism) and yet I see the point here: is the pursuit of growth (and meaning) due to a sense of inadequacy? Do we seek out some sense of “growth” because we feel not-good-enough? Can we pursue growth when happy? And the biggest question of all… how are we even defining growth??
I suppose I would like to think that we really can improve constantly but maybe what we need is a shift in thinking of it as “evolving” instead of “improving.” Again, “improving” is so loaded with a sense that we aren’t good enough now. Evolving feels more neutral… that we are collecting experiences and expanding on those. Maybe we just need the experience of being alive.
Your breakdown of Green’s Dead Mother is so accessible and again, so compelling. I will be chewing on that for some time!!
This is what I wish I’d said.
Thanks, friend!!! Hillman would say that as an adult we realize who we are. We strip away what is false. He would say that we don’t grow or become. He thinks of adults more as onions, uncovering layers but not becoming *more*. Hilly hates “growth”. You’ll see when you meet in March. He has lots of words that he doesn’t like. If you are interested in reading more about this he writes about it in “We’ve had a 100 Years of Psychotherapy and the World is Getting Worse.”
You are so right! There is something inherent in the desire to evolve, improve, etc. that says we aren’t enough.
Sending you The Dead Mother in the mail tomorrow.
WOW! I’m 58, lost a wonderful mother at 14 and have been struggling off and on my entire life with the patterns you describe. A couple of years ago, after a powerful and successful 20-year career as a not-for-profit executive I hit a wall, left my job and essentially ensconced myself in my sweet little house. My favorite activities are watching black and white movies from the 30s and 40s and indulging in the newly discovered pastime of reading design/lifestyle blogs, which, thenkfully have more than replaced my dearly departed design magazines. My only work is on finishing my doctorate.
I didn’t expect to get so comfortable with doing what I think of as next to nothing. Cognitively I know it’s not nothing, but there you have it.
I am really trying to be OK with being out of the achievement rat race. Today, talking with a close friend who’s having a similar identity crisis, I thought of a new research topic “High Powered Women Who Choose to Pack It In During Their Early 60s.”
All my life I’ve been a Sturdy Gal survivor-type, but I’m having difficulty trusting the process this time. It is so very different.
Ann! So nice to meet you. I hope you come back and visit again. And I Would love to hear more about your story. Any chance you might start a blog? I would love to read more about your story. Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing a little story. Really lovely to meet you!!!
Thanks so much for the warm welcome. I’ve often thought of blogging, but don’t think I could take that on right now. At the moment I’m simply trying to keep my re-commitment to writing my pre-coffee morning pages. I do enjoy being inspired by others like you who have the talent for articulating issues that resonate. Mostly I’m like to remain a faithful reader for the time being…with an rare comment.
Thanks again.
I remember you telling us about reading The Dead Mother and your interpretation of its meaning. I have same tendency, probably for the same reasons, though lately I’ve been thinking it has also got something to do with authority issues, i.e., I both rebel against and seek approval from an elusive external authority which is always morphing into different forms, e.g., academic and career goals, business success, becoming published, etc. It probably all comes down to seeking parental love and approval.
Yeah, I read it the first time on the way to you. However I didn’t start understanding it until the fourth time reading it through. It is very disturbing yet totally illuminating. I feel like he wrote it for me.
Gee, I wonder who that “elusive external authority” might be? It definitely all relates to those early primal wounds. And the trouble is that if we don’t look at these issues we are not acting out of our own agency—-we are instead responding to childhood wounds.
Interesting, Hillman’s dislike of “growth” – at first, when I thought about it, it seemed that for me growth has the connotation of change with the addition of acceptance of the change (ie. maturity). This does seem distanced from the dictionary version of growth, but it’s how it “feels” in my mind when thinking about “personal growth.”
Growth can also be considered expansion, whether of awareness, or knowledge or identity – which I don’t think should be limited to the young.
Also, my buddhist-leanings showing, in regards to recognizing that we (as beings) exist-in-change simultaneously – perhaps there is only becoming. The mindfulness practices (none of which I’m all that good at, but…) seem to be geared toward recognizing the flux and not striving toward anything, only awareness of what is.
?
(ps. thanks for your lovely, thoughtful comment re: the totem tree post – gosh there’s so much there to consider!)
Hillman says that we stop physically growing at 25. The majority of our life is not about *growing*. He says that the job of adulthood is to be who we are and uncover the traits we have that we are unconscious of. I think your idea of *personal growth* sounds more Hillmanian and not the popular conception of growth. If you are interested in Hillman’s take on the topic then I do recommend “We’ve had a 100 years of psychotherapy and the world keeps getting worse.”
p.s. You are most welcome!
From what I’ve read so far of Hillman’s work (actually, only Healing Fiction, but wow…), I was kind of bummed that he’s your boyfriend already
. I’ll check out “100 yrs. of psychotherapy.” I don’t know how I’d do, without the psych background, with these other, difficult to read folks. Thanks for interpreting for us!
I have that same issue. My mother left when I was a kid, came back, then left, then came back again, depending on how my father treated her. It’s how, I’m sure, I developed my trust and never good enough issues…
I heard a radio report (how many times have I said that in my comments here?) on routine the other day and how it’s bad for the brain. Too keep the brain cells from walking out from sheer boredom you have to keep changing your routine, take a different route to work, etc. So just consider this tendency towards dissatisfaction as nothing more than a brilliant brain looking for a new puzzle, or problem, to solve (and write about)!
I am so sorry you know the “Dead mother” that Green writes about. I will write more on the topic when I manage to translate his obscure text into something close to english.
The report you share seems like a different kind of change, it doesn’t feel striving. It feels like shaking things up as a way to keep life fresh. My kind of change is a striving kind of change. The former, me thinks, is healthier than the later.
xo
I read an article yesterday about the hottest new mini-loft apartments in Vancouver, BC that are exactly 270 sq ft in size. The bed is a murphy and the bathroom is an all-in-one sink, toilet, and shower. I imagine from your description of Anthony Robbins that some very big things are going to appear from these abodes.
270 square feet? WOW! That space is going to create all kinds of giant successes.
I call this the roller coaster effect. When you have lived with unstable people, you do not feel normal unless you are on the wild roller coaster of emotions. Normal stable life feels wrong.
Really well said.:-)
This definitely makes sense when I consider what I read in Hillman’s “The Soul’s Code” – the acorn and realization of such. I like that idea of the onion and peeling back layers. It really speaks to a true self, doesn’t it? Growth definitely seems loaded with some sense of needing to improve and that definitely is loaded with not being good enough. Wow, this is really perspective shifting. While I am always using the term growth, this post really struck me. I realize that the effort and longing isn’t really about improving, it IS about realizing my true self. Thank you for this! I am in awe.
I will have to pick up a copy of “We’ve Had a 100 Years…” and look forward to meeting Hillman in March!!
IT is a subtle shift and yet it seems, in so many ways, a better one. While the idea of unlimited growth sounds great it is also a high pressure and always pushing. This is a model of “you already are who you are and so just be who you are.”
I am so happy that this was helpful for you. I have found that this way of thinking gives me a lot more freedom and peace.
Bring the 100 Years with you when you come and Hilly will sign it for you!:-)
I really enjoy your imaginary conversation… I’m learning so much. I agree with you at some point there has to be a moment of peace… not always and constantly striving. I wonder if this constantly striving is an american way of life. when i lived in spain the goal was to meet with friends over food and red wine, or beverage of choice. really. the rest was just a way to pay the bills… i think there is something to carving out chunks of time to simply be, and be with people we love.
being the best we can be, and all it entails has its place i believe deeply… but at some point it is nice and pleasureable simply to be.
thanks for such a great post and conversation!
I’ve always been a little too N.I.B.I.H as opposed to striving with the C.A.N.I, although lately I’ve noticed this is changing. And I don’t like it!
And I’m feeling a little fallen flan-ish myself lately, I’m applying your Oil of Olay, et.al.
Dear LBR, you buried the lead, didn’t you? Congrats on seeing such great results from your healthier lifestyle!
Now go off and enjoy your accomplishments. [Put my directive on a list if you must....]