Most of the time I don’t know what I am going to take about when I go to therapy, not specifically. I do have a general idea of things I want to tell Igor. A lot of the time when I get in there and get talking it isn’t on my way out the door that I think “oh, I was going to tell him about that.” Usually it is okay that I didn’t talk about what I planned on talking about as something else emerges and I have enough faith in the process that I am okay with it and I feel capable of containing the topic until the next week or whenever that issue comes up again.
Today, however, I knew exactly what I was going to talk about. I had some complaining to do today. There are somethings going on in my life that are making me angry. There are some familial issues that have me roaring. Only I am not real much of a roarer. When I get mad I get deadly quiet and I am, as of the last few days, more quiet than the dead. I have been Marcel Marceau in a black dress and Tory Burch pumps.
Igor’s office was the first time and place that I was going to off load the anger and rage and complain and generally bitch about all that is going on. I expected Igor to help me see why I am so upset about x and why y has me so mad and help me unpack the a-z of my anger.
Instead of making all that is going on about me, Igor said the following when I was done with my diatribe:
I don’t know how you managed not to kill x. ( He meant metaphorically, of course).
X needs therapy.
X really needs therapy.
Y has entitlement issues.
I can’t believe Y said that.
Y is a self-absorbed vampire.
I really am not a blamer. I feel like using my therapy to complain about others is a waste of time as they aren’t in the room and complaining about them isn’t going to improve my life in anyway. Truly, I am a HUGE believer in taking responsibility for my life and that includes taking responsibility for when things go awry in interpersonal dynamics. I am a person who takes personal responsibility to the extreme. If there is traffic on the freeway I try to find someway to blame myself for the back up. If I bump into the wall I say excuse me.
I tell you all that so you will understand how uncharacteristic my response to Igor’s not making someone else’s bad behavior my fault was. I was, for a few minutes, extremely happy. I felt incredibly validated and acknowledged and less alone in my outrage. But moments later I started feeling kind of crappy. A cloud of ennui and scattered despair came into the room. It took a minute or two for me to figure out why. You see, if I was at fault and if there was something I could do about it, since the other person has responsibility there isn’t as much for me to do about it. I would feel so much better if I could just change my side of the street and if this person were just acting out some unconscious expectations that I had of them then I would have more agency. However if the truth is that the other person was just objectively acting badly, and that the only way to expect real change the dynamic is if they get their ass into therapy, then I don’t have any agency to change it. Waaaaah!
I left the session feeling blah. I decided I would do a little shopping( I was conscious of my retail therapy and I was aware that I was trying to create some emotional space from that blah feeling). I set up some ground rules before I went into the store. The rules were that I could only buy something if I loved it, it fit perfectly, and it was on my shopping list. I knew I was unlikely to find anything that met all three of those requirements at a Marshall’s.
I spent an hour walking the store and found nothing that made me feel any better. yeah, the Lilly Pulitzer pajamas were cute but I didn’t need anymore pajamas. And, yeah, the grey Calvin Klein dress fit me and I could get a lot of use out of it but the truth is that I don’t need another grey Calvin Klein dress. I was about to leave the store when it occurred to me that I didn’t check the housewares section. A quick walk through and I found a necklace holder like the one I saw on Urban Outfitters web page. It was only $10. And it was something on my list.
When I got home I was feeling even more blah than before. I thought maybe that organizing my necklaces might improve my mood.
It didn’t. But I do like my $9 necklace carousel.
I told myself that I didn’t have to do anything on my to-do list. I was hoping that giving myself the afternoon off might make my mood better. That didn’t work. I turned on Oprah( not sure why as I am not a fan). And O had the Crocodile Hunter family on. I hate snakes and am not that interested in the Crocodile Hunter’s surviving family. So I turned it off. Then an old voice that I haven’t heard from in a long time came to visit me. It is the voice of “you have had a hard day, you deserve brownies.” I told that voice to bugger off. I told that voice that sure it seemed all nice and concerned about me and that it seemed to be offering me something that might change my mood but tomorrow when I got on the scale and saw a two-pound weight gain that I would be feeling even worse than I did right now. I told that voice that in no uncertain terms that I would not be going to the Corner Bakery to buy a brownie and so that it needed to leave me alone. The voice quit nagging me about the brownies but then it went on to make several other more easily available foods that would have similar comfort food qualities that would make me feel like crap once I ate them.
The voice was relentless. I gave in, a little. I told the voice that I would have a caramel rice cake with two tablespoons of peanut butter on it. The voice seemed happy. I ate the rice cake VERY fast. I wanted another one, or the voice did. However I did not and will not have one. And I don’t care how much the voice keeps pointing out how hungry I am—there will be no more rice cakes and definitely no more peanut butter.
The voice would like to say for the record that he knows that I am hungry and that it is four hours until dinner time.
For the record I would like to tell the voice to shut the f*&k up.
And, in retrospect( four hours after the rice cake), I feel confident that PMS is likely to be responsible for much of the disharmony described in this post( except what x and y said, that is all on them).
I love “the voice” I’m going to try to use that instead of I all if the time.
I hope mine doesn’t bully me.
“I” is multi-faceted. We are all, to some degree, multiple selves. There is the me who wants the brownie and the me that wants to be skinny. There are at least 2.;-)
This was fun to read, which seems wrong since you were having a blah day. But I enjoyed it and the photo while I ate one and am now eating a second Dryer’s Pomegranate Fruit Bars. The voice is telling me that I should have one more. It seems like a terribly wise voice…..
Pomegranate Fruit Bars are the official treat of Persephone, the queen of the underworld. Hence they have to be good for psychological and mythic development, i.e. healthy!;-)
I hate it when I get riled up because of others and often a time wish I could be more in control of my fate. But unlike you I give in to impulsive munching more than purchase. At least it’s rice cake you had
because I’d dive into the brownies and coffee straight away! Of course, PMS strikes many strings of inharmonious chords too. You’re such a disciplined girl, I envy that.
Love the necklace carousel, and for 9 bucks? That thing sells for 40 bucks here! And don’t you just love Brit?
The peanut butter can be as deadly as a brownie. There are 42 points in one cup of peanut butter( as much as I am supposed to eat in 2 days). It is a slippery slope for me. I can eat Tablespoons of peanut butter like they were made of water.
Not sure how I became disciplined. I think I was just sick of being fat. I do miss the brownies though.;-)
9 bucks was such a great deal. I am thinking of getting another one. I have more necklaces that would like a home. I do love Brit!
Good for you for shutting up that voice! You know better!
As for the first part of your post. while you can’t change the other person’s behaviour, you can change how you react to it, and sometimes this produces a change in how the person responds (or at least a change in how you feel about it. I have felt more confident and empowered after learning to stop annoying behaviour in a cool, calm way).
Hugs!
I will soon write about my *plan* of how I am going to respond to X,Y, and Z. I am afraid to write about it because then I will have to stick to it.;-)
Thanks for the hugs, lovely you!
I’ve been there and it is really liberating to realise that you are not responsible for someone’s behaviour. Although the people I no longer feel responsible for weren’t family members so I could leave them behind me. Maybe that’s the difference – I stopped feeling responsible for them at all (not just for their behaviour).
Not until they’d driven me to the point of ‘just not caring any more’ mind you but we’re not here to talk about what a pushover I am
It is hard when it is family. And harder still when it is close-family. But I am working on doing what you have achieved.
p.s. Feel free to talk about what a pushover you are, it would nice not to feel alone in that.:-)
I love this. I am write there with you in Igor’s office, as you are contemplating what to buy, turning on Oprah, and struggling with the voice that wants you to drown it all in the sweetness of a brownie. I feel the frustration of the day,and the inner battle of wanting to assuage the unpleasant feelings with food. Actually, right now I am kind of wishing that your writing wasn’t so evocative because I am beginning to feel an emptiness that can only be filled with pie;)
Seriously, highly evocative writing. Bravo.
I LOVE having you with me. However I am sorry I got you wanting pie. Uh, but now I want pie. Pie always sounds good. Pumpkin pie or apple pie sounds amazing.
Thanks again, Davida. I so appreciate the feedback on the writing. Truly, it means a lot to me. Thank you!
I hate it when we can’t make other people get therapy. ;-p
The loss of agency is one thing, but frankly, it was a huge relief to me the day I realized most people’s behavior has absolutely nothing to do with me. I think some agency is *gained* when we can let go of feeling responsible for others’ reactions.
Mmmm…peanut butter!
Me too! As a therapist I hate it when people in my personal life tell me they don’t believe in therapy. It drives me crazy!;-)
You are so right. There is freedom in it too. It is an interesting paradox.
I often have those days of exasperation; even buying stuff brings little gratification. Generally I cure it by a brisk walk this works especially well near water for some reason. No not to jump in!! But just the atmosphere feels that much cleaner near water.
I have learnt to eat what I fancy occasionally as long as I eat less at the following meal time, but the flavour has to be 100% worth it for the loss later on, if not I spit it out! That battle with calories just will not go away.
Walks are usually better than shopping and yet I dont’ ever remember that at the time. I do wish I lived closer to the sea. The ocean is an incredible psyche cleanser.
I hope someday science comes up with a cure for calories. I’m not kidding.;-)
I can definitely relate to the feeling of preferring to take responsibility for everything. It’s so much easier if you feel like you can CHANGE a bad situation yourself instead of requiring change of others.
Hugs for you, lady.
It does feel like if I take responsibility than I can make a change. If I let go then how do I know anything will change. Ugh!
Hugs back to you!
I used to have the PMS voice directing me towards chocolate bars…large ones that I would let the pieces melt ever so slowly in my mouth…hmmm….now tht voice is long gone…thank goodness
However…that shopper voice, the one that demands instant gratification…I want it and I want it NOW…still rears it’s ugy head on very dark days…
Hope that you have an amazing and cheery weekend.
BTW Jamie Cat’s new book should be out soon…
No more chocolate? I envy you being free of that voice!!
Yeah, I am so excited about Jamie’s book coming out. Very exciting!!
The key is when one realizes the fault lies completely with the other person(s), that’s when you bring out the Molotovs & start a-tossing. I kid, sort of.
You shall scoff at my suggestion, but adopt the Browns. An entire season of yelling & screaming & Nerf tossing will wear you out to the point where the fault of others becomes one more desiccated leaf you trample into dust on the path of life.
Or just have another rice cake with peanut butter, those are really good.
So your advice is to get out Molatove and to lose the Nerf? Yeah, I get you. Point taken, or I might just have the rice cake.;-)
You can’t change how people act, and you can’t send them to therapy… You can change the way you react to their attacks… (Or kill them!! Ooopps!!)
PMS is BAD! My best solution is one oz. 85% chocolate and waiting 20 minutes… It’s full of anti-oxidants… And won’t make you gain weight…
Tons of love, XXX
Changing the reaction seems harder than taking personal responsibility for others.;-)
Chocolate won’t make me gain weight? Oh, yeah, I skipped the part about one ounce.:-)
Tons of love back to you!xo
: )
I am a little confused about who had to change what but I think I may understand your ennui… it is tough when the situation cannot change and one must find a way to deal with it
I like retail therapy and have to use your rules…
rice cakes and peanut butter…much better than brownies
all in all you did good, and now my mind is thinking about Calvin Klein grey dress
I hope you have a super weekend…kisses to Lily! xoxo
I keep thinking about the grey dress too. Wish I’d gotten it!
Thanks, lovely! I hope you and the fur boys are having a great weekend.xoxo
Isn’t it bizarre when *after* the fact you realize, “Oh, it was mostly PMS”? I am in awe that you were able to stop at one rice cake; I probably would have emptied the bag. I’m sorry you have to deal with x and y being jerks, but love Igor’s response.
Sending you a smile for the weekend Miss LBR,
tp
PMS is so sneaky. I was SURE it was PMS and yet I am still waiting for evidence that I was right. Maybe I am justhaving a really LONG PMS.;-)
Lily sends love to Silly Tilly.xo
It’s funny how some people feel better when they know there’s nothing they can do about the behavior of others, but other people, like me, feel frustrated. I wish I could just think, that’s their problem, not mine, and go about my business.
I am so impressed with your ability to talk back to the voice. Good for you!
It is the going about my business that is the hard part as that means letting go and I don’t like letting go.
I am not going to let “the voice” decide my fate.
Igor’s response is fantastic. I think some of us really do take on too much accountability for those interactions with others. Too often, I obsess about my reaction to the behavior of others… i.e., I must be too sensitive. But sometimes people are just a**holes and that’s that. I wonder if the energy you would typically spend owning/partially owning the behavior of others was suddenly suspended before you and because that energy had to go somewhere, it manifested itself in this voice of hunger and the subsequent sense of needing to control that hunger.
Thank you so much friend, your comment inspired my post for Monday. Without you I would likely been blogging about Neuroenphronlogy.;-) I think you make a brilliant point, ” the energy you would typically spend owning/partially owning the behavior of others was suddenly suspended before you and because that energy had to go somewhere, it manifested itself in this voice of hunger and the subsequent sense of needing to control that hunger.” Truly, that is brilliant. Thank you!
I agree it can sometimes be helpful to feel like you can do something to change the situation. But for me, a lot of time, “They’re nuts/wrong and there is nothing I can do about it.” makes me feel so much better.
And now all I want is a brownie with peanut butter. Good thing the brownies I make are the size of a fig newton. Perhaps I shall be making brownies with peanut butter frosting today.
Now I want one of your brownies with peanut butter frosting. YUMMY!!! 2 treats in 1. You are brilliant!
I am mostly struck at the moment by just how sweet you were to yourself. Very nice.
Thank you, lovely!
We are going through parallel experiences, except you are being quite funny and darling about yours. It does feel good, though, to stop banging one’s head against the hard wall of other people’s behavior. Can you avoid X and Y and their nasty ways and words for a while?
I also wonder if maybe part of whole regaining agency process is giving up on agency where one will never find it. This seems linked to the CANI treadmill in some way — energy goes into unproductive efforts at changing other people, or ceaseless, directionless improvement. And that’s a trick we play on ourselves to divert our energy from the good agency we need to get back or the changes that will be satisfying (which are scary things to us, or me). And somehow this is all related to being not doing, too. There’s nothing to do with X and Y, other than avoidance. You just have to be.
Y I can avoid. X I cannot. And you are so right, giving up on trying to take responsibility is absolutely related to giving up on C.A.N.I. My new cosmology is having unexpected impact. I have to just BE with what is and not try to think my way into some kind of change. Ugh, if I know this was going so pervasive I might not have started all of this.
I hate that voice. Yours and mine. And I’m having a wicked PMS moment too
PMS sucks. And I wish we had a permanent mute button for the voice.:-)
“I am a person who takes personal responsibility to the extreme.” — I feel you on that. Wish I could get rid of that behavior of mine.
What if I take responsibility for your taking too much responsibility?;-)
Sometimes when I read your wonderful words I feel like its a parell life … as you may have gathered the challenges we face with Mr. G’s Family on him not waiting the 1 year greiving process … well I pretty much received the same answer from Shereko – that “they”should be in therapy ..since then I have been trying to figure out how to get a dozen over-dramatic people to go to therapy…for now we just don’t have them as part of our lives.
Ahhh Retail therapy … it has been my hiding grace for the past couple of years!!! love your new necklace holder and the pretty strands!! … and oh the voices for brownies …mine asks for chocolate and caramels…
Weshing you a fabulous week-end..HHL
It is a comfort to learn that there are problems with “them”. Isn’t it? And yet then we have to let go—-that it the hard part. I hope we can let go—we deserve it!:-)
Hope you are having a lovely weekend.
As usual, you so boldly and bravely share your thoughts with us. I appreciate it, and so does everyone here!
Sorry for your blah feeling–but yay for necklace holder and treats.
Thank you for being so awesomely kind about my video, dear—it means so much to me!!
xoxo
Your video turned my blah around. I LOVE IT!! You are a genius.
xoxo
Personally I would have eaten the brownies but that alas, is why I’m in fat pants. I think as we get older it gets easier to ask the inner child what they want and how they need to be soothed and to make necessary adjustments. That frustration over situations that can’t be changed is always there.
Is that the John Galliano candle I spy on your bureau? That’s such a lovely one, that weird mix of floral, woodsy and something ancient.
I wish I could have my brownie and eat it too.;-)
It is indeed the John Galliano candle. I like it. But my favorite is by my bedside and on my coffee table is the Feu de Bois. I am MAD for it. All woodsy and smokey and sexy.
We are so much alike sometimes, dear Weasel Friend. If i go quiet like that, a storm is brewing for sure.
And….amazing and infuriating isn’t it, that hormones can alter us so much when they feel like it. The nerve! Still I’ll take estrogen over testosterone. I don’t want to experience sudden overwhelming urges to attend monster truck rallies.
If I am making noise I am fine. When I am quiet it is time to be scared. He-weasel gets nervous as soon as I get quiet.
LOL! Yes, chocolate craving is MUCH superior to NASCAR cravings.
Your evil voice is male? Mine’s female. I call her Meanie Jeannie and she sounds like she’s had a 4 pack-a-day habit for 30 years (I don’t smoke). And yet … she’s SO darn persuasive!
You crack me up, I LOVE that your Meanie Jeanie is so Id and orally related. If that was my voice I might not be as likely to take her seriously, a 4 pack a day smoker’s advice cannot be trusted. But I bet she is sneaky and can talk a good talk. Mine has a voice like the snake in Jungle Book, “Trust in me”. Remember that?
p.s. I LOVE your voice. I just stopped by your blog on Friday. You have a great *voice*.
Ah, and to think, I was wondering why I bought that box of brownie mix at Trader Joe’s yesterday, it was for you!
Seriously, there’s the craziest bakery only 5 minutes drive away and they sell the most wonderful chocolate chocolate chip cookies imaginable. The days I randomly pop in, they are usually fresh from their ovens, with warm chocolate icing on them.
PS: And that voice? Wish there was an off switch for mine…
Yes, you bought it so you could make it for me.:-)
I would be in SERIOUS trouble if I lived so close to such a bakery. Icing on them? I might need to move close to you.:-)
PS: Me too!!
I know what you mean about when you cannot do anything to change the dynamics. I find it really difficult that I’m dishonest to people that I find dysfunctional and it would make me want to fill the emotional void with clothes or food. However I do think that does tend to depend on the time of the month!
I had the opportunity to be VERY honest with Y and it was terrifying. But I think it was good for me. I told the person I was angry. Y didn’t respond in any way that was gratifying but I think it was good for me to just say it. After I did it I wasn’t hungry for food or shopping. Interesting, huh?
It is a tremendous achievement to stick to the WW points while enduring PMS. Rice cakes and PB are perfect foils to one’s other cravings, I find, if one can also completely ignore the very persuasive call of the brownies. . .
…then???? I am hoping you were going to say that then you will lose the craving.:-)
I always want to blame myself for the behavior of others. It makes the situation controllable, mine. And though it eventually can be freeing to let go of that responsibility, it also means that, well, the behavior is out of your control and as such the only thing to do is to accept it or avoid it or change your reaction to it.
But the voice . . . well, that (as you know) is in your control!
Feeling in control is much preferable to the opposite. Isn’t it?
Yeah, I do have some control over the voice. Where it stems from feels less controllable.
It might have left you feeling ‘blah’ but I’m glad Igor knows you well enough to take in account your experience of the last letters of the alphabet and agree with your summation.
Nice necklace holder
The voice demanded a Corner Bakery brownie and you served it a rice cake with peanut butter? I’d say you definitely have the upper hand. Well done, you.