Okay, here is the truth…the real truth…the truth that I didn’t want to tell you. I wanted to be all ho-ho-ho and merry -merry and I tried, I really did, but I can’t. It hit me the other day. It hit me hard. I got it when we were walking through William-Sonoma and I was shopping for a coffee maker that I will NEVER-EVER-EVER have kids.I knew it and then all of a sudden I KNEW it. This is something that will never be fixed. This will always be true. I saw people with children and prams and baby Bjorns and I just started sobbing. I lost my sh*t in the appliance section. I went from shopping mode to melt down mode faster than you can say Cuisinart Brew and Grind. He-weasel got me out of the store and herded me to my car in the pouring rain and I sobbed as I blindly walked, “It’s not fair. I want it to be fair. It’s not fair. Life should be FAIR!!! If we couldn’t have kids we should have at least been able to stay in Chicago.” That happened Sunday and ever since then I have been in the sob, cry, mourn, grieve and repeat mode.
I tried today to do a little Christmas shopping but then I saw all these men with their fucking babies and I had to push back the tears and then some little toddlers were pushing me when I was waiting in line to buy a candle and I was growing more and more irritated and I came this close to turning around and going off on this man for not being able to contain his kids and how they needed to stop pushing me and they needed to stop pushing me NOW!!!!!! But what I wanted to do is turn around and take all my rage and anger and outrage that I am childless and that I will always be so and that I live in L.A. and that I had a shit childhood and give it to this man that I have never met. I wanted to yell at this stranger and for him to hear my anger and for him or someone to make this right. The customer is always right. And maybe if I yelled loud enough the manager of William-Sonoma could fix what is broken in me or give me my money back or at least give me a free box of Holiday Bark Candy. A dear friend of mine ,who upon hearing about my near run in with a total stranger, suggested that I stay home tonight, cancel my dinner reservation and order dinner in less I give into my desire to rage publicly and end up needing her to bail me out of the big house.
So the truth is that I am in pieces. A million of them to be exact. And I don’t feel like Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again. I am not sure if I will be up to blogging over the holiday season. The truth is that I didn’t even plan on writing this. I was just going to put up a picture of Lily and wish you a happy holiday but if there is one thing this blog is it is authentic. And I am authentically feeling like shit. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t wish you a very happy Christmas, I do. Also, please, I implore you…no need to comment and try to cheer me up. Lily, He-weasel, Igor and assorted lovely friends are trying to cheer me up and yet at present I am uncheerable.
Ugh, now that I wrote this I feel like a Grinch or a Scrooge or like I have put a damper on your ho-ho-ho. But maybe my telling the truth about how shit I feel will help someone else. I hope it does.
p.s. You can’t say I didn’t warn you. It was there in the title. You didn’t have to read this. I did warn you.
Just sending a bit of love, a hug and a smile that says I see you. I hear you……
You’re not alone in what you feel.
But I did. I read it.
I just wish words could help you feel better, I wish I had those words or knew of someone wise who did. I’m sorry Tracey, I really am.
All my love to you and plenty of hugs.
My heart and thoughts are with you, it is extremely unfair. Sometimes I feel that people don’t realise how lucky they are. I got upset the other week over such a minor thing last week but it really hurt my heart. My niece has just turned 13 and had a lovely new haircut. My sister posted an image of her and said ‘how grown up her baby was now’. It suddenly hit me that I will never have a 13 year old daughter or son. I agree life is shit sometimes. Take care xx
Dear One, the strangest thing is that, perhaps for the first and only time in my life, I have an inkling of the feelings and emotions you are struggling with now. You know that I am childless, as it was a non-issue for me. I did not think I wanted children, thought passing on alcoholic genes was cruel, thought there are too many people in the world already and my progeny would not add much value to the mix — and although I was on birth control for some years I was not for many years and it just never happened for me. No planning. No design. And I have been very content with the way it turned out for me. That hasn’t changed, but the other night my husband and I played this web thing that “made” our baby based on a combination of our two photos (it is on my facebook page…do NOT look for it). And this little guy came on screen, and we both melted. I was instantly attracted to this baby in ways I haven’t felt in my life. It was the strangest, saddest, and ultimately most final feeling I’ve had in a long time. My husband felt it deeply too. Do me a favor: if I should die before my time please tell my husband that I said he should find a young woman to have a family with. What a bizarre stew of thoughts this has generated for me. And I am OKAY with not having children…..so, dear friend, as I said, I have a small sense of the depth of your longing and fury fueling your lashing out. I am so sorry you are going through this and hope you will not let it define you. xoxoxo
I read it because I care about you dear friend. And I can understand why this time of year in particular feeds your rage about being childless, I really can.
Just wish I could do or say something to help, but instead all I can do is say that I’m thinking of you. xxx
Sometimes a thing is just too big and too devastating to look in the face. I’m glad He Weasel was with you, to help you.
Much love,
Tiger Friend
It gets less painful with the years, it really does.
xoxo
C
Thank you for posting this. Like you hoped, it does help me knowing that someone else is feeling the same thing. I lost it over making cookies the other night, thinking “I will never get to bake and decorate Christmas cookies with my kids.”
xoxoxo
There’s nothing wrong with a little truth or a little rant, & when they’re mixed up, there’s even less wrong & apologies are anathema to such a solution.
The mama in me wishes she could wrap you in soft blankets warm from the dryer and bring you cups of hot chocolate. Sending soothing thoughts and wishes to you.
Oh, sweetie. The holiday season makes it so much harder.
Well, kudos to you for not beating up the man. That is what I all self control. I am glad I read it because this is the writing I love. That aside, my heart is breaking again for you. If I was there I would be right over. If I could send you a baby by Fed Ex, I would. I know nothing we can all say will make it better, but just know that we do care, and understand. xoxoxox
This is (oddly) affirming to me in the midst of holiday madness.
No need to restrict audience or issue caveats. Thanks!
I was disobedient my dear virtual friend. I read. My heart hurts for you and I am sending you love and peace and grace across the virtual miles. I am truly sorry for all the hurt you are experiencing.
Linda
So..i have been following you without ever commenting for like half a year. But on this post i had to comment. Mostly just to say i’m tip toeing around my own self trying not to have a similar meltdown. So i get it. Don’t know if it gets better. But at least you’re incredibly smart, witty and talented…if that is any consolation at all.
I’m so sorry, although sadly not surprised. Your desire to have a child was/is a deep-rooted, sincere, and defining desire, and the grief over not having it fulfilled a monumental grief. You manage it so well most of the time, but like any grief, it will surface when it’s triggered. And as Therapist Tracey knows, Christmas is a powerful trigger.
I’m so moved, then, that you managed to comment so very generously on my photos and post about little Nola. And I have to say that every time I do post about her, I think of you and send you a little hug. That’s not enough, I know, but I’m sending them. . .
Oh Tracey, I’m so so so very sorry. I wish I could just wave a wand or give you the biggest hug and make it all better.
Saddness and grieving seem to be intensified at this time of year as you so aptly illustrate.
Wishing that you can find some ease and peace soon…
hug Lily and He-Weasel.
Sending warm thoughts and hugs your way,
take care,
Leslie
Oh Sh*t, Tracey! Want to share my bronchitis?
Holiday season is crappy!
I wish I were there to hold you and cry with you…
Tons of love… XXX
I usually just lurk, I always really appreciate your honesty and openess. I am not sure if this will help or hurt, but I feel compelled to share…
I had a hysterectomy when I was 32, before I had children. I nearly killed myself over it, I was so grieved to know I could never have children.
Then, at the age of 52, I ended up being the parental unit for two children, my great-nephew and great-niece. He was 10, she had just turned 7. It has been an amazing and wonderful 6 years so far. I never thought I would have this experience.
I guess I just want to say, you never can tell what the universe might have waiting for you.
Blessings….
Won’t try to cheer you up. You are in it, deservedly. Poor dear.
I miss you tons already, I must say. I’m sorry you’re feeling this right now.
Do stuff that brings you pleasure. I enjoy watching 9 to 5 (yes, the Dolly Parton movie) when I feel gross. And I believe you know my thoughts on the healing power of baked goods?
love.
xo
Oh I am so sorry. Sorry you have to feel pain. Rage is appropriate. It isn’t fair. But you should also know, your distress doesn’t wreck it for us. Your feelings don’t break us. We are here anyway to support you for all you give us and you don’t have to keep up any sort of front.
Oh sweetheart, one never has to apologize for blogging honestly. People should apologize for the opposite, for false brave-face blogging that makes the rest of us feel more broken and alone than we really are. The best thing you give us is your honesty.
I’m so very sorry it hurts. You have done so much excellent work in the last six months or so, work you probably could never have anticipated. This surge of blinding pain doesn’t erase that work. Both aspects of yourself are true, please remember that. You happen to be both broken into bits and incredibly strong. You are making sure that infertility is not your only story.
Sorry — got cut off. Anyway, I wish there was more I could do for you. I wish I could rescue you the way that you have rescued me so many times over the last several months. Your comments have kept me going, have made it okay.
In the wake of my own struggles, I think a lot about relationships. You are making so many strong and fulfilling relationships with your readers and your friends. Be proud of those. They matter, a lot. Big hugs.
It really is unfair, and I’m deeply, deeply sorry that it is. I don’t know why it is. It just is.
I won’t devalue your feelings with any rah-rah attempt to make you feel better. The things that break peoples’ hearts are things you just have to respect, maybe stand in awe of, and sometimes it’s best to just keep silent.
I wish you all the very best, Tracey
I read it. I heard your voice. I love you.
Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for always being so honest with us.
Accidentally posted under Brian’s. But the comment remains true to you my darling LBR.
I have spent the last months being silently angry and pitying myself that my daughter has chosen to be childless, therefore leaving me grand-child-less. Thank you for showing me my selfishness. I was blessed to have her. I wish you the best.
I hope that you don’t put that pressure and expectation on your daughter. She’s her own person too.
I have not yet entered the realm of deciding to live childfree, but I am in still in throws of Infertility treatment after 5 years of losses and attempts. I am not sure how much more of this road I can take. While I am still not 100% sure I won’t have a child, I am not convinced I will either- and as such I can relate to your feelings. It’s just sad, that’s all there is to it, and the holidays bring it out like no time else. Just wanted to let you know I am out here, giving your feelings a space to breathe and thinking of you…
Honestly, you don’t seem really bitter to me. I bit the bullet and read it even though I don’t know if we are childless yet. I can’t say “I’ve been there” or that “I understand” because I don’t. I can imagine the EXTREME heartache that must come with this because I DO want kids someday (badly) and my life would STOP if I discovered I couldn’t HAVE them.
In my own insignificant opinion I think you are right to be upset. I think (dare I say it?) you DESERVE a child and it IS unfair you can’t have one when unmarried co-workers with terrible lives I know are getting knocked up (with men they aren’t even in relationships with– not that I’m JUDGING or anything…) and yet you couldn’t give a beautiful baby a loving caring home and give it a terrific life.
You have every right to be upset and I just think this time of year really magnifies all the little things we try to put aside the rest of the year.
I wish you much happiness and joy. I hope you can learn to deal with this sadness and hopefully move on from it (the very hardest part). I’m thinking of you, darling. Be strong.
Xx,
Muffy
I love you. As much as I love Chanel polish and Peter Thomas Roth products. I know it’s not the same and replaces nothing, and I’m sorry for that. xoxooxoxo
Darling I’m in the hospital waiting for hubby’s surgery typing on His iPhone so excuse mess ! I feel your grief terribly as I comprehend deeply the sense of void emptiness losslOssLossENdlessLoss….time is the only way out else distractions love of those who truly-stree on truly adore you and extreme self care. And yelling bitching whatever whenever you want & NOooo toxic people who bring you despair!!! Must go he is out…xox from the place I feel only you&your grief…no worries–gotcha luv
OK, I’m not going to try to make you feel better – I hate it when people try that on me because I am so tremendously engaged in my misery it just ends up making me feel guilty and then angry (or maybe it’s the opposite way around). I’ve known you for a long time and I know you are sincere in your hopes and dreams. You don’t wear them lightly. So maybe this is the kind of cycling you’re going to do for a while. Until you don’t do it anymore. Just know that I’m thinking of you with good vibes and love. xo
i’ll say what Randall said…and if you like me to go and yell at some parents, I would be happy to do that for you xoxoxo
ps- thanks for the text, I will text you back
I’m very ‘Eff this stupid month…eff this stupid weather….eff the fact that I have to cook dinner’, myself. There’s too much pressure in life (self inflicted or otherwise). Ugh…
I wish I could think of something wise and comforting to say but the fact is I don’t like Christmas. Perhaps it’s the way it’s celebrated in our culture, or maybe not, but I always find that I don’t have the ability to be big enough to cope with the enormity of the event and end up disappointing myself by feeling totally inadequate. Even deciding not to bother anymore once the cards and a few presents have been sent hasn’t helped my moods. Every year I just want it all to be over. I’d consider moving someplace where it’s not noted at all but I’m afraid the American version went viral long ago. Maybe the sadness isn’t just in you or me; maybe it’s deeper and more far reaching because we react to the suffering of so many.
I am so sorry to hear how unhappy you are feeling at the moment. Just let it out, you know it will pass and you will get back on to an even keel in time. Yours is a perfectly normal reaction, and I am sure I would feel the same in your shoes. From time to time I find myself feeling bitter, angry and jealous when I hear other women talking about what they plan to do with their husbands at the weekend or on a holiday. I had to walk out of a colleague’s retirement do and lock myself in the toilet and howl on one occasion. Life isn’t fair, and it never will be. Count the blessings you have and don’t beat yourself up when the sadness overcomes you.
Sending you lots of hugs xxx
I’m so sorry for what you are going through and can only send you my warm thoughts and wishes. We are having a similar kind of holiday season over here. I am feeling deeply upset for similar reasons and am on the verge of screaming at everyone and shutting down. Instead we are gathering our friends here on Xmas Eve. I worry this could very easily go south, like something out of Curb Your Enthusiasm — picture it: screaming at my guests — but what’s more likely is that it will instead calm me down and remind me that “family” is a strikingly deep and fluid concept. I hope you find the comfort that you need this holiday season.
Hey sister, I say go for it…feel like shit, rage and cry and get it out. Stay in your jammies, read trashy books and watch stupid television shows…snuggle with Lily. Who says you need to be merry and bright? F@#$ that…feel those feelings. Life isn’t fair and it never will be…doesn’t mean you have to be happy about it.
But also, know that there are many of us out here who treasure you and care about you.
Sending much love,
L
I am sorry that it sucks so so so badly right now. Sucks in the sense that it is sucking all that you are out, all that you hoped for out of you, all that you wanted to be out out of you.
I caught myself staring at the line waiting for Santa today and wished that there really was that type of magic in the world, the kind you believed in where anything WAS possible.
I send hugs and love and offer another ear or shoulder. This sisterhood sucks, and we need each other to put something back after each battle.
I’m glad I read it. Because it is authentic. Because I can’t bring myself to write/blog, head-on, about how this round of depression feels because I don’t want to write it as a request for cheering up.
Nobody can cheer me up – and so I offer my commiseration.
Meanwhile, look north, that’s me, waving in the distance with a look in my eyes, a kind of mark that we who have been a visitor to the country of suffering carry. Different vehicle got me there and no choice but to ride to the end of the line where there’s got to be different scenery, but… well, I hear you.
My heart goes out to you.
No platitudes, though like Mater I am conscious that I may over-egg the whole sprog thing, though hopefully I have lifted the veil on some of the less wonderful aspects of motherhood.
I tripped over many fractious toddlers shopping last week and felt so irritated I had to pinch myself that I have been there too.
It is good to rant and let of steam, that is the beauty of these blogs, no holds barred makes for a far more empathetic blog and I have always admired your honesty for doing so.
Oh my dear friend… I know your pain to well.. its one thing for someone to make a choice not have children… but to not be able to for ABC or XYZ reasons, beyond OUR control really sucks! I think my downward swirl started when I learned that my sister-in-law will be giving birth to twins (I’m over the moon happy for her and my brother… she has been trying and going through the aweful IVF stuff.. we know all too well) ~ then I learned the child that we want to adopt is still in the system ~ waiting for a native family ~ Yet WE are here open arms for him , but nothing we can do!! ~ Then this just starts the reminder that since the accident I don’t even have my career in corporate to hide behind … and the vicious circle of a pain and anger I don’t even feel starts to surface .. I know it only by the tears that come out of no where without warning! or the frustration that I can’t explain – or the emptiness that consumes me. So, my sweet friend – I won’t try to cheer you up – for I know to well that only makes US want to scream and hide… but I will tell you you are not alone and are i my thoughts .. wishing you a better tomorrow!!! XO HHL
I guess because I am infertile, childless not by choice and bitter that I found no shock and no awe in reading this. I can only empathize with you, tell you that you are not alone and your feelings are all justified.
I’ve done my best to be jolly this holiday season but everywhere I go it’s a constant barrage of painful reminders of the life I am not leading and will never have. I was quite proud of my holiday card this year. I took the time to create an adorable custom card featuring several pictures of my child (my dog), and then yesterday I received an almost identical card featuring pictures of adorable real children. I suddenly wondered how many people pitied my card versus finding joy in its cuteness.
((((HUGS))))
If you want to yell at strangers, you need to move to NYC where that is accepted, normal behavior. One time, I bopped out of my apartment and hailed a cab, not seeing that a woman was behind me trying to hail it. Um, because I don’t have eyes in back of my head. She started yelling at me, and I was like, “Please, I didn’t see you, don’t take it so personally. Here, take the cab.” So she gets in the cab and … she didn’t say thank you.
I said the only thing appropriate in such a situation. “YOU’RE WELCOME, YOU FAT FUCKING CUNT!”
New York, New York, it’s a hell of a town.
This is cool, I SO wanna be in NYC! Love the swear, Wendy
I believe we were separated at birth, Wendy! Would have said the same exact thing
(PS- native NY’er here!)
Won’t try to cheer you, because I know from experience that trying to cheer a CNBC woman doesn’t work. The only thing that will cheer us is that thing we’ve been denied. You are not alone I had my $h!# day today. I alternated between sad, sobbing, angry, and irritated. I’ve honestly had a very good holiday season up until today. I’ve had more Christmas cheer this year than in many years past, but today it came to a screeching halt. I’m over-saturated with pics of family photos. My relatives who were able to adopt sent their pictures today, and it was the last straw, because I was even denied adoption three times, and had to stop because I was at high risk of losing my sanity (literally). I know I’m not the only one, but in my little world it sure feels like I am. Nobody can fix it for me, and it just makes me mad sometimes.
Hugs…hoping we both feel better soon.
Tracey,
I think of you sooo often. I’m right there with you.
Hugs.
Of course I would have to read it. My Christmas wish for you is that somehow in this mysterious universe a child finds you who you can give that big heart and love to whether you are the biological mother or not.
Hang in there, Belette. I’ve wept with you over this one. You will and do help people with these posts and your writing. Keep offering that great need and pain up to spirit.
Remind yourself constantly that this too shall pass and keep with the breath.
Breathe and do whatever you have to do to get through it. You have far more courage than I have over this matter. It’s not a small thing you’re grieving and weeping for. It’s huge. It’s massive. Let the wind, the sea, the earth, the air be with you and force that great, beautiful mind of yours to stay in the present frame and talk to your body constantly. Your cells will understand and move it through you. Treat yourself like the little child you are screaming for.
I can’t carry that enormous cross for you but I can stand and offer my silent support as you stagger and hope that somehow the fact that so many care – makes some slight difference to the weight of it all.
May Grace be given to you to help you through this season and may that wonderful child in whatever form they come – find you.
Much Love to the adorable Lily and best wishes to your partner. All blessings and love and tides of admiration.
xx
Oh dear, yes, I just read it and yes I still love you. That said, I have 4 little ones who would love to have a fairy godmother, anytime, are you game?
I love you and (sigh)…wish you peace. However, I would avoid Wms Sonoma in the future. Pottery Barn (Kids) isn’t a good idea, either, nor is Gap (Kids). Just an idea…
xoxo,
Terresa
I won’t tell you to feel better. But I am sending you love and hugs.
Screw Christmas this year.
Um, I didn’t have your self control a few years back. It wasn’t Xmas, it was February 2007 when my CNBC rage hit a boiling point. The good news is that no one got hurt — ruffled feathers, yes, but the object of my expletives got the message and will think twice about her offense in the future.
What helped me was exactly what you’re doing — grieving openly. It’s essential to feel the sadness, feel the anger, express it in writing, plate throwing, whatever … it’s what allows you to metabolize it. And, darling, the peace that comes is worth every tear shed and every bit of broken china. xxx, Pammie Jeanne
LBR –
Everyone’s already said it: it’s the time of year when near-primal hopes/disappointments/losses run right up against the relationships and roles (actual and mass-produced) that one wishes were one’s own.
Here’s hoping that the new year will bring you more peace.
Sending you a huge hug .. There is nothing I can say as I can only imagine.. I have been blessed , and I know it.
You are loved though and that is also very important
All my love this Christmas and always
Love Ruth xx
I’m so sorry. xo
I love you. I’m sorry too. And I’m not going to say anything sappy or even try and empathize because it’s not what you need right now.
*big cyber hugs*
Life is so freaking unfair and Christmas highlights loss and what is missing from our lives. I avoid shopping malls in December because I am afraid I will have meltdowns. Just last weekend I cried at my nephew’s hockey game –now I’ll be known as the crazy aunt. It’s when the Christmas newsletters (aka brag-letters) and photos start arriving in the mail that I really lose it. Just a few more days and Christmas will be over for another year, although life will continue to be unfair as those CNBC know only too well.
Holidays can summon up these feelings so easily. I have been orphaned and fully functioning for some 28 years and was so wanting to talk to my long-gone family today! Sending you hugs . . .
Hugs to you – I too have no children and I realize the older I get that the only way we really enjoy Christmas is as kids, or if we have kids to delight with it. Otherwise it is a chore and depressing. But try to muddle through – it will get better and next thing you know it will be January and the days will be getting lighter and spring will be around the corner and you’ll feel better. I always do.
Oh, LB – I’m so very sorry. I wish I could fix this for you.
I hope you can find some joy in this season. I know it’s a difficult one for many people…for so many different reasons.
Sending much love and hopefully some comfort,
XO
A.
No words of cheer, no ho-ho-ho, it’s nor fair, not fair that you’re not getting what your heart desires not now or ever! I’m sending you love and no false blahs of understanding! Just love and if you need a smile, look at O’Hara in her Christmas getup on my fb!!! Muahhhhh!
Ma belle…. I took your advice and didn’t read
Just dropping to wish you a blessed Christmas.
Big Hug
xoxo
Oh my dear, I’ve been where you are, and even when I think I’ve managed to put it behind me, I end up back there again and again. Christmas Eve is one of those times when I miss Chicago the most, because that’s where my adopted “family” is.
And it’s one of those days when it feels the loneliest. I fall into the childless-not-by-choice category, because X absolutely does not want them, and it’s the only flaw in our marriage; I have to keep it to myself, because I’ve found over the years that it’s like a buried mine that, if disturbed too violently, could explode and destroy us both. So I’m very glad you are not alone in your grief.
I hope you have a little peace this Christmas. Draw close to those you love best. I’ll be thinking of you.
It sucks for me too….
Just wanted to say this helped me….So THANKS for saying it better than I ever could have….also for reminding me I’m not alone and there are others that TRULY DO “get it”! Hope we’re all feeling better soon!
I’m looking forward to getting to know you, Lucy, He-weasel & Igor better in my visits to come.
I’m never sure what the best recipe is for the holiday blues. I haven’t hit on the right recipe yet– can’t fully participate, can’t fully escape– and just when I think I’m handling it, oops, the ragies. That feeling of things being unfair can be so rage-inducing. You know it will get better, it always does, but when you are stuck in the morass that’s no comfort. But the good thing about storms is that they end, yours will and you have many people willing to wait out the rain with you.
Nothing to add here, just acknowledging your pain. The only way out is through it. I appreciate your authenticity, and offer you hugs from the desert. (heading back to chi-town for a week in January…don’t miss the weather tho.)
i mentioned on my blog about a twenty year friendship that is ending. i said i was and am grateful for the time we had together (it was a beautiful and sincere run!).
one day at the very beginning he asked me to run some errands with him. i felt like crapity crap crap… down in the dumps! i said to him that i was not in a good mood. he said, “I did not ask you to be in a good mood, I asked for your company.”
I knew then and there we would be good friends. Someone who I could be myself with always… no fake stuff, no mamby pamby stuff. Someone, when I feel like I’d have to step up to reach the sidewalk… he’d lend me a hand, or sit there on the curb with me.
Belle, thanks for the warning at the beginning of your post. One of the things that makes your blog quite special is the honesty and authenticity of your writing. So here you have bloggy friends!!
won’t try and cheer you as you said, but you said nothing about hugs… Sending some warm snowy hugs from the big apple!!
I’m sorry, Tracey.
(((HUGS))) It is so hard to be CNBC in a childfull world,, especially at Christmastime, when our childlessness gets rubbed in our face more than usual (maybe only Mother’s Day is worse). There are times when I think I have accepted I will never have children, & then sudden moments of stark realization, like the one you described, that send me into a funk for days. Hope the day itself was better than the buildup!
hugs.
hugs.
hugs.
hugs.
and more hugs.
seriously, I feel you so much lovely lady. I was just sitting at my desk thinking about how everyone is getting married and am i the only woman on earth who doesn’t want to get married and that I’m sick and tired of reading pregnancies announcements on facebook – so much so that i might scream. it isn’t that i’m not happy for these people, but becoming uterus-free a time when everyone you know is just starting to have kids is enough to cause a woman to lose her mind.
And my god if one more person says to me “well, you can always adopt.” or “there are still ways you can become a parent” and I want to tell them how i want A CHOICE. I want to be able to be naturally a parent – kids through sex. That surrogacy and adoption are freaking overwhelming and i don’t want to think about them.
So, although I love all my friend with kids and I am happy for all my friends who are having kids – you just get sick of it all.
Take care of yourself. Give yourself all the love you need. Stay in. Stay away from the mall and the places that are family ridden. I have learned that it is very important to wrap yourself in a warm cocoon of mourning when these days come up.
You will be in my thoughts.
I’m so sorry for your constant loss. I, too, am having trouble conceiving, and I’m so nervous for an upcoming appointment with a fertility specialist for some more tests. Your words are so spot on and I feel your pain. Here is a virtual ((HUG))and a dose of hope for your future career, travel plans, your wonderful sounding He-Weasel and Lilly. Hope you feel better soon!
I’ve only just found this blog. Today was the perfect day to find it. I’ve been feeling somewhat unglued as of late and the reason is the same as yours. I have come to the realization that I will never have a child of my own. I won’t go into hx, dx, or tx here, however I will say I think we own the same shoes. I was just cancelled from work tonight. And I thank God for that being that I work in L&D…..
Good God! Where have you been for the last few years of my life as I also drowned in this too? I’m so glad I found this today by accident. I can’t wait to read everything else.
It has been nearly a year since you wrote this portion of your blog. I did have a son, but shortly after he was born they have me this “miracle” birth control IUD that was touted as “PERFECT” for women who had never been pregnant or who had only one pregnancy. It was called the Dalkon Shield. They systematically exploded or imploded inside our uteri – we whose doctors were the victims of their massive, unprecedented marketing campaign. It came out after just 6 months but the havoc it wreaked was a horror. I had Pelvic Inflammatory Disease on and off for 6 years. In and out of the hospital with severe infections. I had at least 5 surgeries to deal with the damage they had done to my uterus – adhesions & cysts. After the fifth surgery they said “You will never get pregnant again.” I was 27 years old. First time I had sex without birth control – and I got pregnant. Pregnant in a uterus that was filled with adhesions and horribly damaged. The baby wasn’t going to survive this. The infection recurred within about 4 weeks and they hospitalized me in a “modified Fowles position” – laying in a “V” so the infection would remain in the center of the body. No such luck. Within a few days I developed perionitis. They told me I would get sepsis and die if they didn’t do a total hysterectomy. I had turned 28 during this hospitalization. Who would argue with that? I had a total hysterectomy. The organs were so damaged that the Fallopian tubes were pulled down by adhesions and wrapped around the uterus. Adhesions were wrapped around my large bowel. The whole wad of reproductive organs came out in one quick ball. It was hell. I felt emptiness in my lower abdomen. Nothingness. I still feel that but FORTUNATELY I became old enough that I was too old to have children anyway. It was better then.The emptiness went away. The stigma was so painful for many years.I thought no man would want me, but I found one who did, when I was 33. He didn’t care about an “organ.” He loved me. Some of his family couldn’t believe he would marry a woman “who couldn’t have children.” That was 30 years ago. Three days ago I met my first grandchild, a girl. She is a force of nature and is wonderful. My son was an only child and does not seem to have hurt him in any way. He is not spoiled. I know I will never feel “whole” again, but it hurts less every year. Thank you for giving me a forum to dump this very bad memory and phaps rid myself
I’m currently searching the web to see if there are any support groups which I could perhaps chat with others about not being able to have a child. It’s ironic too in the fact that I’m a registered nurse who works in the neonatal intensive care unit. Most days I’m ok, but now at age 43….I can’t seem to suppress these feelings of sadness. I had endometriosis & had to have both ovaries & my uterus removed last year. It’s been a tough journey.