Sunday night, in my dreams, I had four children. Four of them. Three boys and one girl. I was in a parking garage and I was trying to leave to go to Igor’s. My kids were coming out of a door into the garage. I was running late. I had to get to Igor’s. He-weasel was trying to help me back up to get out of the garage and onto the street. The exit was VERY narrow and surrounded by two glass doors. I had to be perfectly precise in order to get out of this place and get going to Igor’s. I got out of the space and was on my way to Igor’s. I decided to call Igor and tell him that my daughter’s eye was cut and that I had to take her to urgent care and that’s why I was late. I was trying to find the favorites in my iPhone(where I keep Igor’s number) and I couldn’t. Some applications were eclipsing my favorites and I couldn’t find his number. It was 12:47. In three minutes my session would be over. Next thing I knew I was at Igor’s office and he was gone. Some glamazon receptionist( like a woman in a 007 film) let me into his office. I was going to show her a picture of my daughter’s eye only the only picture I could find in my phone was of a woman that reminded of an image one might see on the show Dexter. I wondered why I was looking for the photo as I knew the story about my daughter was a lie. The receptionist was trying to find another time that Igor could see me. The dream ended.
I woke up feeling kind of blank and empty. The first thought I had was that I had to remember this dream to tell to Igor. It took about an hour for the sad to kick in. I had four children. Four of them. Three boys and one girl and then I woke up and they were gone and I can’t get them back. Yeah, I’m crying. I rarely dream that I have children but when I do it is like a kick in the ovaries. It always hurts. And if I was able to put a ban on content I most certainly would prevent myself from having such dreams. It is cruel and unusual for a childless not by choice to dream of having children.
The only thing I can think of was I was watching a British mystery the night before this dream and there were these dopey people in it who had two kids and as I was watching the show I thought to myself, “even idiots like these can have kids” and there was some resulting sadness( the holidays always amplifies the emptiness of our nest).
I don’t know what this dream means. I can’t get close enough to it to find out. There are just too many feelings about the dream kids to look at the rest of the dream. I am going to take it to Igor on Thursday. I am not sure if I am going to let him analyze my kids as anything other than my kids. I think I need them to continue to exist in me and not be turned into a symbol of something else.
This dream seemed to switch on something that had been turned off, no—I am still clear that we are done and that there won’t be any children for us. It’s the grief that was switched on. I spent yesterday trying to find a way to switch the grief off but the dream had more power than I did. I went to bed last night hoping that another dream would come that would eclipse the one with my four children—-no dream came. So I guess I have to feel this for a while and in time I will feel something else. And just for the record, I would prefer that the something else came sooner than later.
I’m sorry
. I hate dreams like that. They leave you feeling depressed. Soon you will dream of something else and this will fade. Hugs to you.
Thanks, Juliann. I know it will fade–eventually. I wish I could shake it off like Lily does when she has a bad dream.
Wishing you only sweet dreams LBR.
Thanks, Alistair.
My sweet friend, I’m sorry you had that dream. I wish I could send you a good dream. I wish I could send you some positive feelings to replace those empty, grieving ones. Thinking of you with lots of love…
Thanks, sweet friend. This too shall pass.
Oh, Weasel Friend. I am so sorry. I know exactly how this feels. I have a son, but did you know, that my son is not my biological child, but my former partner’s? It makes no difference in how much I love him. But just to say. I can’t have a child. I, too, have had dreams like this, and the waking from them and losing that child or children is devastating. I wrote about it if you’d care to see…here:
http://fireblossom-wordgarden.blogspot.com/2009/04/bereft.html
I got only two lines into this post and already was having a profound physical and emotional reaction to it. Tears filled my eyes. My stomach flipped. The hairs on my arms stood up.
Interpreting this seems paltry, but I’ll try. I think the children are your children. Was the parking garage underground? You mentioned getting up. I think this is, literally, a deep place, with very limited entry and exit. But there you were. He-Weasel was trying to help you get back to your normal, waking life. But you were in a deeper place. I would say a soul-space, though I know you wouldn’t.
I think the dream is about connection. Your iphone kept messing up. Well, isn’t that your link to people and what you love the most, in your daily life? But, it was never meant to reach across these kinds of spaces. (then again, I have broken telephone obstacle dreams fairly often) Why the story about your daughter’s eye? The eye sees, of course. What damaged it? What compromised it? The term “urgent care” is telling, to me. Not “emergency”, not “the hospital” or “the doctor”…but Urgent…Care. And if you knew it was just a story, why were you looking for the picture? I think you were looking for each other, but were “cut” off. And why was Igor gone, why was he out of reach? Maybe, because this was something meant for you alone.
I don’t think it was just a dream. But I’m woo woo like that. What I know for one hundred per cent certain is that it HURTS. I’m sending my love.
xoxoxoxoxoxox
FB
Dear Tiger-friend,
I so hope you son is still in your life. Please tell me he is. I will follow your link presently. I must know.
I truly feel slugged by this dream. I was doing so well. I have a tree up. I was feeling ho-ho-ho-happy and grateful and proud of how far I have come and then this F’n dream came and kicked me in the ovaries.
Yeah, it was n underground parking structure and the way out was narrow and there were glass plate doors that made the narrowness seem more precarious. A birth canal? Me trying to birth myself?
I think your analysis is brilliant. It feels so right that it made me cry(in a YES way).This dream and this feeling does feel urgent. I even thought about calling Igor but then I couldn’t make the story feel big enough for me to feel like I deserved to call him( my feelings, not his).
Maybe my feeling of not wanting him to interpret is reiterating what you sad, “something meant for me alone”.
It does hurt. Thanks for your love and your wise interpretation. xoxoox
Oh my, have I had those dreams! In many of my dreams I’m breast feeding a newborn and the feeling is almost orgasmic (sorry if that’s TMI). I’ve also given birth and experienced pain although I’m sure it’s not as intense as reality.
I would love to know the psychoanalysis on those dreams. Bet it would be eye opening!
I’ve had the hangover depression of waking up from my dreams in a blissful state for about 2.5 seconds only to be slammed with the brutal reality of your present situation. Always ruins my day. It seems those dreams happen during a time when I’m feeling okay about my life. The old subconscious trying to get it’s share of attention I guess.
Hugs to you…as hard as I’m trying to remain up and in the holiday spirit there are days which it’s extremely difficult. My struggle now is not as much about myself but about it has affected those I love…specifically my husband and my mother.
Blessings…and know you’re not the only one out there feeling as you do!
Oh honey. Breastfeeding? Giving birth? Oh, sweet you, I am so sorry. That had to be so damn hard. I feel some grace in that my kids were distant from me in the dream. If I had been closer to them in the dream I would be feeling ten times worse.
Hugs to you. Thanks for understanding. And, yeah, I was feeling up about the holidays and thanks to this dream I am feeling less so. I am trying to tell myself it will pass soon. Time will tell.
Oh lovely, I am so so so very sorry. When sleep is no respite — that is a rough, rough place to be. I don’t have any more words than that: I am so so so sorry. I wish those dreams would leave you alone. I just keep sitting here saying “oh no, oh man, oh lovely… oh no.” I hope that writing about it has helped. I wish it were Thursday already for you. You will feel something else. (The feeling is temporary, the breath is permanent.) I wish I could arrange the world so that you never had to feel this again.
I knew you would understand. I knew it. Yeah, it is rough when in your sleep these things happen. I too wish today was Thursday. It feels far away. Your mantra that I have taken for my own does help me. Thank you. I wish you could too.
I am so sorry too. There are some things in each of our lives that are sad and inalterable. I hope those children are your children. I do believe that we all have children we don’t get to birth, but that they come close to us and whisper to us. And feel briefly that we are their mothers.
We did have many embryos that grew in size. They were alive. They did exist. We were parents to them. Ugh. Tears. I don’t know if they had souls . But we were parents to the and we loved them and we mourn them. Ugh. Sniff. Thanks, LPC.
LBR, I am sending you some big warm hugs. I love what LPC said and I believe it’s true. Hold those thoughts close to you.
Thanks, Susan. The hugs are well appreciated.
oh, my sweet belette, I am so sorry…when I dream of losses in my life that have hurt my heart, broken it to pieces, made me feel I would never come out of the grief, the dream takes me right back to the moment it began and it hurts like hell…it IS hell!! No doubt about it. I know time will take the intensity out of it and I do hope you don’t dream of it again, I know how much you are afraid you will…it is the grief that still lingers and probably always will. And the damned holidays I have grown to dread.
All deep loss causes grief, the greater the loss, the greater the pain and what to do but endure. I don’t know what else besides waking up BEFORE it begins but…
Many blessings you are feeling better about it soon. I know it just plain hurts like hell. xoxox
I don’t think I could bare to dream of them again any time soon. I hope my psyche knows that. No more, do you hear that psyche?
Thanks, sweet Linda. It does hurt like hell. And it will pass.xox
Waking up from a dream like that can really shake you. I think dreams are your thoughts and feelings that are kept in the back of one’s conscience and those thoughts manifest themselves as dreams when we are still. I believe subconsciously we need to bring these thoughts to the surface so we can deal and put the bad feelings of our losses to rest. For me it is the loss of my business. Sometimes my dreams are good and I get to dream that I still have my beautiful business and sometimes the dreams are frustrating. The frustrating ones are the ones that bring me lots of sadness during my awake time. I know grieving loss is a way of putting an end to loss, but it also makes us feel like such losers for not being able to make something we want so badly to have worked. I know the inability to have children does not compare to losing a business. But that business was in a way my baby and I was a bad Mom!!!
I have to believe your mother’s mean words over thanksgiving precipitated this dream and that you are sad because you know if you had children you would never treat them the way she treats you! The narrowness of the path was the line you have to walk to keep her from spewing her crap and the glass represents the delicateness with which you choose and weigh what you share with her.
From your writings it sounds like you have reconciled yourself to not having children and have moved on with your life enjoying all the accomplishments you’ve worked hard for. You can’t change your mother or make her be the kind of mother you need. I wish you could. I wish my husband could too because his mother is a true witch as well and I have to pay the price for her meanness. Don’t give her mean words the power over your goodness.
Go to bed tonight thinking good thoughts and hopefully there will be no room for bad thoughts!
Losses aren’t, I think, to be measured. If it is a loss to you it is important. And I am so sorry you lost your baby( business).
I feel very protective of this dream and of my children. I am not wanting to let it go and yet it hurts.You are right, I am reconciled. And I am happy about the accomplishments I have been able to birth.
And, yeah, I am sure seeing my mother had something to do with it. She is not the kind of mother I would have been. I would have been very different. I can see that with Lily.
Thanks, Linda!
Good morning LBR, What a terrible dream! I know how it must have felt…sometimes I dream of someone I lost and in my dream they are alive and then gone. I like to close my eyes and jump back into the same place. I don’t know what brings these on but sometimes we just do what you said, go with it, feel bad and be done! At times like this I like to surround myself with all the beauty that I can find, pictures, music, everything…
xoxo
To be totally honest, Mona, if I could stay in that dream and never wake up—I would. I would live in that dream. Ugh. Sniffles are coming again. But I can’t and so I will feel it until I don’t feel it anymore. Surrounding myself with friends is also helpful. Thank you for being here.
xoxo
I am really so sorry. About the dream and how you feel and all of that. I hope you feel better soon. I have been there and it sucks.
*cyber hugs*
Thanks, Kim. Your presence, your kind words and your hugs mean alot to me.xo
Oh, this is profound, Tracey. Dream Kids. If I were a writer (ok, guilty) or poet (ok, guilty), I’d run with this somehow. It begs for more, as in … what is a dream kid, where do they live in our imagination, what are they all about? I have a couple of poems for children posted in sunnyroomstudio (you might enjoy), but let me just add … this could become another book for you, I think. So many people dream about children … having them, not having them, losing them to tragedy, etc. I’ll buy a copy if you write it! (P.S. If you can ever spare time for a guest post in srs, plz let me know — would love to have you!) — Sending sunlight, Daisy
Maybe if I wasn’t in the midst of the impact of the pain of being separated from my dream children I might, like you, want to run with it. For now, I want to run from it. You know?
After the holidays, I would be available to do something at your studio. Lets talk about it in 2011. Yes?
2011, perfect, Tracey. And, yes, I understand what you mean … I was just thinking of all the people you could reach and help … people who also have such dreams about children they have loved, lost, or never had … I see you as such a wonderful healer in the world for some reason. W/all your courage … you have so much to give. With admiration! –Daisy (also, Noah left you a reply for Lily!)
Wrote and erased a lot here… I will bring myself to talk about this subject eventually…
Will make it as simple as this… I am sending all of my love to you…
XXX
This is a topic one shouldn’t force. When you are ready to talk I am ready to listen.
Thank you for your gift of love and for listening to me.
xoxo
Oh La Belette! Maybe the dream has a meaning but oh I don’t know – all I do know that it is the first time in such a long time and the pain must be poignant. Lots of love and hugs and I mentioned you in a blog post the other day 0 it was on 25th November – very french! xx
It is, the pain I mean.
Can’t wait to see your post. Sorry I missed it.xo
oh Belette. Ow. I am so sorry that this has brought up more pain for you.
You said, “I thought to myself, “even idiots like these can have kids”” but I’d like to suggest that an ability or inability to reproduce is NOT a judgment of one’s character or worth as a person. You are right that dopey people can have children and so can mean, ignorant, selfish ones. All that’s true is that they experience something you have not – and that IS a loss, but it does not mean that you are in any way a lesser person. From my brief association with your life as represented on this blog, I have seen that you are committed to living with integrity and love. Please don’t believe the mental voice that would have you think that you somehow deserve to not have children because you’re not enough. There is just randomness and chaos in the universe and I don’t think it’s applied to our lives with any overarching rationale, though I think there’s deep meaning to be found after the fact and in the ways we choose to deal.
Ok, that’s a lot of words. I really just meant to say I’m sorry for your pain, it’s not your fault.
I know you are right. I know it and yet my wanting it to be fair and to make sense and for it to not be random and chaotic is something I have a very hard time to get over.I know it isn’t my fault and yet there is a part of me that there is a mean god who is withholding from me what I want most( which is crazy as I don’t believe in god).
Thanks, dear neighbor. Your words mean a lot to me.
I think you’re a much better analyzer of dreams than Igor (don’t tell him that!) but maybe talking to him about it will break your “analyzer’s block.”
LOL! Yes, I agree with you. I will likely tell him about the dream. We’ll see what happens.
A very long time ago I had an abortion. The details aren’t relevant and too difficult to write anyway other than to say a miscarriage was induced and I nearly died of hemorrhage. My mother was called to the hospital where I’d been admitted and only said we’d never speak of this. We didn’t and I don’t think my father ever knew. I went to Europe the following year and stayed for several years putting my life back together. I’ve dreamed of that child and do understand how real is your pain. When my son was born 5 years later it was like forgiveness but I still made many mistakes in raising him that can’t be revised either. Could it be that we all have depths of despair that aren’t even meant to be reconciled? I still dream of my parents and wonder on awaking how much kinder I could have been as their only child. Life is a mystery and heartache deepens our comprehension. At least, that’s what I think.
I hope you dream of happier times next time you sleep.
I agree, some pain can’t ever be reconciled.And I am sorry you know this pain. I agree with what you think.
Thanks Susan for your candid and compassion filled comment. Hugs to you, my friend.
Oh Belette, I saw the title to your post in my blogroll and my tummy did a back flip – I swear! I so admire your honesty in the way you talk about being childless, everyone knows it’s easier to talk about our successes and joys than our regrets.
I hope that tonight will bring you a sweeter and more comforting dream.
Sharon
Yeah, it is definitely easier to talk about the good stuff. But I can’t help but share it all. Thanks, sweet Sharon, I hope so too.:-)
augh… what a dream!! i am always comforted when something i long for visits me in a dream. maybe you are done with all the pain connected to your wanting children… i wonder if a part of you knows something different.
ms. betty was a woman who ‘mothered’ me. she was our neighbor. i escaped to the quiet and kindness of her home always. she would just open the door and let me in and go back to what she was doing. i would join her, or simply sit quietly in her presence. i think she knew more than i knew. she was my refuge. she died recently. and i am full of all the love she shared with me. i feel saved in a way by her love.
i’m just saying life is so complicated. the way you think or thought you might be a mother is still to be determined… for the moment it rests in the dream world… still to find it’s way in the physical. i find life does not give us such a deep and true urge without a way for it to be fulfilled.
please forgive me if i am speaking out of my place. i still have faith, dreams do come true when they say so, not when we say so, i am learning.
i hope you will find comfort in knowing your love and beauty is needed and it will continue to find its way.
my own mother was not sweet to me, but another woman was… and it means the world to me. it still does!
I am so very sorry about your loss of Ms. Betty. I too had a non-familial other( nanny and spouse) who helped me survive. I can’t imagine who I would be if I hadn’t had them.
I don’t think the dream is telling me that I am going to be a mother. My read is that in the dream I am leaving that place. I don’t know. I guess time will tell. But I tell you how much I appreciate how much you want for me to have what I want and that means a lot to me.
The people who cared for me were desperately wounded when my mother took me away from them. I remember their extreme pain. I don’t ever want to be in their situation. Never. Ugh. Just thinking about it makes me want to cry. I don’t ever want to be in their situation.
I am so glad that you had a woman who is sweet to you. You deserve it.
i wish i could think of something pithy and intelligent to say here, but,
OOOOOOHHHHH!!!!
how amazing you are, and you used the phrase eclipsed my applications,
that made me really humble,,
and then glamazon, well,,, that was brilliant.
bravo….(to the writing)
“eclipsed my application” wow. That is a hell of a phrase. I have to give it some thought.
she was indeed a glamazon.
Thanks, Donna.:-)
Oh sweet Belette Rouge,
those dreams are hard and do sit so deeply. I wish I could help, I can send hugs ((hugs))
I often try and comfort myself with the idea that those children are mine, just not in this conscious life and it hurts so badly because I have to leave them when I wake up.
I hope that you have sweet dreams soon, that have you wandering to new worlds and are filled with extreme joy.
xoxo
The hugs and your hopes help. If I thought I could get back to those children I would go to sleep and stay there, at least that is how I feel today.
Thanks, Barreness!xoxo
For starters, you described this so perfectly in dream-speak. I feel like I was living it! Secondly, and I haven’t read the comments so I don’t know if this has been discussed as yet, the first thing I thought about was your comfort level with the anima vs. the animus. You had 3 boys. But it was the girl you were to use as your excuse for lateness. I don’t know what it means either, though I do think it’s interesting.
The strange thing is that the girl was the only one whose face I saw. I felt most connected to her. Interesting, huh?
Oh, and I agree with Wendy that you are the best analyst of dreams ever. So I have every confidence you will come up with a genius interpretation of this which will enrich your life. Can’t wait to hear more.
Thank you!! I don’t, however, imagine that I will ever fully interpret this dream. I need these kids to exist on their own.
Even when you are so so sad you write so so well. I am sorry you had the jolt of this particular dream. It seems so real to me while I read about it. It will be interesting to see what your session with Igor will bring (did you, in some way, need him to help you raise your children…was it too much for you?). Personally, I think the key to the dream is that narrow, glass-walled exit (fragile birth canal, etc.)…
xoxox
I have thought of calling Igor so many times today. I am not sure why I don’t. I wonder if I will tomorrow. I do miss him( and in the dream I do miss him{which is a different kind of missing}).I totally agree, the narrowness and the lateness seem like the important parts. Thanks, Lydia.
Lovely, I can’t stop thinking about you. When the pain rises or is sparked when we are awake, we are on guard, we can manage it, we can catch it before it smashes us in the gut. But there’s no defense against dreams. Again, I am so sorry. I am not an expert, but I have some thoughts about what this dream might mean. I want to give you the choice about whether or not to hear them. You know where to find me. So much love and sympathy. D.
Because it was a dream and a narrative that came from my unconscious I wasn’t able to protect myself from it. It just came at me.
And, yes, I would be very interested to hear your gentle and thoughtful interpretation.
Thanks for your thoughts, love and sympathy—they mean more than you know.
wow.. it has been I while since last time I left you a comment (despicte the fact that I read you frequently)…but this one got me. I am childless too.Since I was 17 I was predicted (via a silly chain game) to have 5 – 4 girls and a boy…the prediction was constant,same for my husband. I am 1 week ahead of being 39… no kids on my own… just 4 goddaughters and 1 god son… I guess that’s it…you made me feel the sorrow of not having one…and I thought I was so good like that.. now I know I am so… empty.
Oh, Olga. I am so sorry if this post brought you any pain. I send hugs and the knowledge that if you want 4 or 5 kids that there are ways to make that happen. 39 isn’t too late.
It occurred to me that your dream of four children had embedded in it the implicit idealized idea of children. The one that pregnant women have, of the perfect child. Always, of course, that is exploded when the actual child arrives, with the full complement of human strengths and weaknesses. The hardship for you is never having the privilige of that perspective, forever stuck with the imagined child. So it can’t help, I know, to hear NO CHILD EVER LIVES UP. The most perfect child I have ever known is the son of a friend of mine, an Italian scholar and her attorney husband, the boy (now 22), brilliant, athletic, cultured, with a great sense of humor, socially popular, loves playing guitar, double 800′s on the SAT, Harvard, math and music major…and now? he’s working on wall street for a high-flying hedge fund trying to make a fortune. She’s loyal, of course, but I know it must be a disappointment that he’s squandering his amazing gifts like this. so…no help, I know.
I suppose that whatever we dream of has a bit of an ideal aspect to it: perfect job; perfect spouse; perfect house; etc. While the ideal is nice the real, me thinks, is likely really better.
Oh, ma belle, I’m so sorry you have to deal with these feelings. I already had those kind of dreams and I know the pain and emptyness they bring,(interesting there’s a long time that I don’t, maybe because I think I’ve surpressed that need of kids, well I didn’t I just don’t want them now, it’s too late).
I wish I could do anything to cheer you I just can send you hugs and love and hope you had a sweet dream this night.
But there’s something that I find curious… the girl. Can this have some kind of meaning?
Now just to see if I can make you smile… you had to dream with 4 wasn’t 1 or 2 enough?
Big hug lovely.
xoxo
The hug and loves and hope helps. Yeah, I think the girl definitely has meaning.
I have a brilliant friend who I think figured out why it was 4. I might share more about that later.
Big hugs to you.xoxo
I hate dreams that leave you sad… I hope you have a lovely dream about a westy soon xx I am back, and thanks for your get well wishes xx
I wish I had Westie dreams more often. They are much better than baby dreams. Hope you are MUCH better!xoxo
My adoptive mother was childless not by choice and she has told me many, many times that she had dreams like this before she adopted my sister and I. Although my fertility struggle wasn’t very long (and probably can’t even be categorized as a true “struggle”) I remember dreams like this as well. I would dream of holding a baby and singing to him (always a him) and not being able to see his face.
It is heartbreaking and always made me curious as to what my sub-conscious was trying to tell me…but I agree completely with Fireblossom, in terms of your dream. Know that you are in my thoughts today and I hope you have sweet dreams tonight.
Thanks, you Crazy Beautiful Stranger. I am so glad your mother dreamt you and your sister into being. And I am truly happy your fertility struggles were short.
My dreams last night were about buying a home in Chicago. Hard to wake up and find that I am still here but not as hard as the baby dream.
I think they may be your children. Years ago, I had a vivid, wonderful dream that I was giving birth, easily & joyfully, to a girl with dark, dark hair. She was like a seal. She was beautiful. Weeks later (it was the olden days), I learned I was pregnant. That pregnancy was lost. I am not religious and don’t believe in souls but I think there must be some essence and I think that daughter of my dream was the one I lost. I think we accept our children as they are: red hair / brown hair, stillborn, disabled, dream children. I think they are your children who can only be dreams.
LPC said something beautiful: “children we don’t get to birth, but they come close to us and whisper to us. And feel briefly that we are their mothers.” A child in the web of my life that I have never met committed suicide this week and I am awash in sadness. The sorrow we experience is the sorrow of being parents to all of these children. It’s the Gaia in us or, rather, us as Gaia – feeling briefly that we are their mothers.
Thank you so much for writing, DEM. YEsterday I was convinced that they were *my* children. Today I am less sure. A wise friend interpreted the dream and as of today it helps to see the children as not mine. Today that hurts less. For today I have to go with what hurts less. You know what I mean?
Damn it. I hate this for you. Hugs and support for the pain to fade.
Thanks, Lisa. Today is better than yesterday.
Was the receptionist Grace Jones? Next time, how about you dream of being the Bondian Bond Girl and kick a little ass.
I’ll see if I can dream about being Grace Jones. I’ll let you know how that goes.
And this is why I hate dreams. I’m so sorry! I hope you’re feeling better, more at peace today.
Thanks, sweet Elizabeth, I am doing much better today.
Oh Tracey, my heart hurts for you. These sorts of dreams can haunt you for a bit. I hope it’s memory starts to dissipate soon and let you continue to enjoy the season.
You are a sweetheart, Kalee. I am feeling much better this week. I hope my dreams give me a break.xo