Lately I am thinking a lot about the existentialist philosopher, Jean Paul Sartre and it isn’t because I am in the midst of an existential crisis or because I am having paranoid delusions that lobsters are chasing me*, rather it is because I am no longer anonymous. My real name is out there and my anonymity is a two-day-old memory.
Having a nom de plume gave me a great amount of freedom to be very open and honest without any concern of consequences. But now that my real name (the one on my drivers license) and my photograph is out there, I am feeling some amount of nausea and dread that comes from from the fear of the gaze of the other and how that gaze will impact my sense of self and my work, my writing and my relationships.
Old Jean-Paul Sartre, or as I like to call him, JPS, wrote a lot about the idea of how the gaze of the other impacts one’s sense of self and strangely his book Being and nothingness says a lot about the identity crisis I find myself in, and I quote:
I fear that now that my real name is on this blog, that who I am in a given post and on a given day will become my fixed and permanent identity even though it is just a post and just one day. I worry ( yes, I worry a lot and Igor knows about that) that people in my non-blogging life, both personal and professional will find my blog and not tell me that they did or worse, find my blog, tell me they did and then tell me that they can’t believe I said x, y or z. I wonder how seeing my name on my blog will impact their sense of me and how this might change the way they relate to me. Will they see me as fluid or rather will I become a fixed identity of the me they saw when they visited my blog? Will the parts of myself that are not on the blog no longer be seen as part of the real me, even though they are?
Let me give you an example of what I fear. Let us imagine that I am doing some errands and I ran to the store with my hair in a bad state, no make up on, and in an outfit not intended to be seen by others( yes, this on occasion happens). I have gone to the store to buy tampons, maxi pads, and a half gallon of ice cream. It is the middle of the night and I am sure that I will run into no one. As I stand in line to check out I get a phone call on my cell phone in which I have angry words, i.e I am not at my best, brightest or most beautiful( PMS inspired ugliness), happily there is no one around to see me (or so I think). I get to the cashier to pay and it turns out I forgot my wallet and have only $2.00 in change. I feel someone looking at me and it is an ex-boyfriend that I have not seen for decades. The experience is now made worse. Why? Because the experience has been objectified by an observer. And I am no longer the object I was to my ex, I am a new object that is not the real me. Okay it is the real me but it is not ALL of me.
This new object of me as “ex who is a hot mess ” has eclipsed the object that existed for him before that moment. The old object no longer exists for him. I know that the new object isn’t the real me (or all of me), but he doesn’t know that. That truth does not protect me from the shame of having that new object exist. Now that my name is on the blog the blog version of me might eclipse the other part of me that I don’t write about on the blog. Both selves are true and will continue to exist but only one will be seen.
I think the reason this is such a hot button issue for me is that my mother decided who I was at 13. She has not allowed new versions of myself to become part of her sense of me as a subject. When I explain that I am now something other she will remind me that she ” knows who I really am.” Actually, no, she knows the me that I was at 13 and even then she didn’t really know who I was—it just seems to be the version of me that she holds onto for reasons that are entirely her own.
Now, I am not worried that you are going to do the same thing to me but I am a little concerned that what is seen of me through the keyhole of the blog will not be the entirety of me and yet will be mistaken for the totality of me. As soon as I revealed my real name you knew things about me that I had before intentionally obscured. I think my chief concern is that people who had not previously known about the blog, but only known me in another context( work/social/academic), and when they see the blog it will impact their sense of me as a person and as a professional. I worry that to these imagined people I will no longer be seen as who I am but only as the me who exists on the blog. The funny thing is that when writing as La Belette Rouge I never once had any concerns about you not seeing the other aspects of me and that making the me that is here any less true or real.
One final note, I thought it best to assure you that in losing my pseudonym that I am not in fact revealing the ‘hot-mess ex’. Actually, I am pretty proud of my professional identity that you will meet if you go over to Freudian Sip. The truth is that the Belette me is me at my most honest and vulnerable so if you can put up with that part of me I doubt that you will find the non-pseudonym me to be any more objectionable. In my “Tracey” capacity I think I tend to be a bit more guarded, professional and less likely to spill my guts for all to see. I hope I can bring together the Belette me and the Tracey me in a way that works. I am, to be totally honest, scared. I truly don’t know what is going to happen and how doing this will change my writing and/or my sense of self. Did you see that? I wrote the word “Tracey”. Truly, that might be the scariest, most vulnerable and most courageous thing I have ever written on this blog.
*Sartre’s experiments with mescalin left him with the recurrent fear that he was being pursued by a lobster.
I know exactly how you are feeling, as I have never been anonymous, and have written many posts that are totally honest..
It has destroyed my relationship with my Brother, who has now destroyed the fragment of a relationship that I had with my toxic mother..
Maybe it has done me a favour..
On the other hand it has made my relationships with friends wonderful as they all know me a little better and we have more in common revealing insecurities and being more honest with one another xx
I am so sorry. That has to be so hard. I truly admire you for not shutting your blog and running away. I really do. And I further admire your attitude about how maybe what seemed bad is in fact a good thing.You are an inspiration.xo
I can perfectly understand your feelings. I would myself be quite freaked out, being the private person that I am. It’s funny that my father did to me the same thing as your mother did to you: he fixed in his mind an idea of me and nothing I ever did changed this. Ultimately, as Pedro made realize, it was his problem.
I believe, in the end, all one has to be is true to oneself. Some people may like the whole that is you, some may not understand it, some may even hate it, and it is ok. You are only partially responsible for how others feel about you, anyway.
The Belette in you (the only you I know) is a sensitive, brilliantly smart, perceptive, friendly, funny human being, all things to be proud of. Just try to give yourself some time and it will all come together.
Yes, it was your father’s issue just as it is my mother’s. It isn’t about us and yet it takes some work to undue the consequences of such an omnipotent posture.
The idea that some may hate me is not one I can shrug off. Just thinking about that idea scares me big time. Hope I don’t get that response.
And thank you for sharing how you see me. I wish I had received that kind of mirroring in childhood.xo
To be honest, I would VERY surprised if someone has a strong negative reaction against you after reading this blog…however, as you taught us, strong negative reactions are likely to be negative shadow projections of the person having them, so…keep that in mind
(see, I pay attention to your posts;)
You cannot change your past, but you can make your present a happy one and build a better future (and you ARE actually doing that!). You should only be proud of yourself for the person you have become. I admire you sincerely and I hope you’ll never forget how great you are.
Shhhh, sweet Weasel-Friend, shhhhhh. You’ll be fine.
When I began Word Garden, I deliberately kept myself out of it. I wanted my poetry to stand or fall on its own (let’s not get into the fact that I thought no one would read it), and so there were no pictures of me, no indication who I am, not even the sketchiest details.
However, over time, I began putting more and more of “me” into my blog. While my last name is still semi-private, everything else is pretty much out there, even the stuff I’d sworn never would be. The result has been less anxiety and more freedom. This has translated to the poetry itself. I used to wonder, “what will people think if I reveal THIS?” What I learned by revealing my deepest junk in my poems, is that if I am feeling something strongly, lots of other people who do NOT write have felt the very same thing and are glad to know they are not alone.
These days, when I compose, I say what I have to say, bam. It’s very liberating.
By the way, my mother AND my much-older siblings all do that stuck-in-time thing. For them, I am forever an awkward clueless teenager. It keeps them forever superior, I suppose. We don’t talk, anymore.
Much love to you, my dear Weasel Friend! Knock ‘em dead wit you bad self. Hehe.
xoxoxox
Tiger Friend
Thank you so much for your assurances. And I trust you when you tell me your result has been to be less anxious and more liberated. That can’t be a bad thing. I’ll take that and a side of fries, please!;-)
Hee-hee! Yes you did. I wasn’t too stealthy about my real name in personal emails. It was here on the blog that put me in stealth mode.
xoxoox
Weasel-friend( aka Belette, aka….;-)
PS–I so already knew your name anyway.
*shrugs one shoulder and sticks nose in the air, walking away with a smug grin*
Great post. I haven’t read Sarte, but now feel I must. It’s funny, every time I see ” Tracey” I feel like I have to check to make sure I didn’t accidentally write that somewhere! I guess the protective mode still, haha. That’s why I am a little hesitant to start blogging without being anonymous. It will all be good, don’t worry.
It is so strange for me to see a comment with my name in it. This is all very disorienting. I hope that this feeling will pass soon!:-)
I one hundred percent feel your nervousness and understand your reservations, a colleague knows I write my blog and I just HATE that feeling of being judged. She probably does not read it but I can imagine that she might and just the thought irritates me. I want to remain wrapped in a cloak of anonymity.
What you have achieved is immense, I have been invited to write on a shared site before (though not one with as much gravitas as Freudian Sip) but again I do not feel comfortable with the idea.
Look at the progress you have made and know it will grow and grow into something you have worked hard for and so deserve.
I totally understand your mother’s problem, the older we get the less they seem to know or even want to know us as real functioning adults. It is so irritating.
I of course knew your name when your lovely package arrived last year but you will forever be Bellette to me, just as when I read your blog I imagine it spoken with a soft Californian drawl. Yes I know that is wrong but you see you still have the anonymity of your voice, because we can see you, we can read you, but until you’re sat on Oprah’s couch promoting your latest book we can’t quite hear your voice!!
It is awful to be judged for just being honest and trying to express yourself and your creativity. I hate that you know this feeling. But I find it inspiring that you haven’t let it stop you. The opportunity to be in Forest and Bluff and Psych Today was too big to pass on, at least to my mind. I knew I had to give up my anonymity if I was going to take these opportunities.
I do feel like the version of me that exists for my mother feels like a caricature that is lacking in aliveness. It is a shame. That said, I probably don’t see who she really is either.
LOL! I hope I don’t sound like a Californian but I fear that I do.;-)
I understand this fear — I stopped being anonymous a while ago and still sometimes have worries about what I’ve written (and have taken some things down) and as I contemplate the possibility of actually having a professional life, I may rethink what I have out there in the interwebs.
Like your fear, it is one of being judged (I am simplifying) and of having myself reduced to the stuff I have written, some of it written from a place of pain. But I also figure what I write about is a part of me and a part of my experiences and I can’t control how other people interpret it. At least I’m getting better at figuring that one out. We can’t control other peoples’ reactions to us and, most of the time, it’s best — though extremely difficult! — not to worry about what strangers think.
It *will* all be good. I think having the blog with your real name out will add another dimension to how your colleagues see you.
I know you get this. And I knew you would understand. It is best to trust and let go and yet so many experiences in life tell us not to be ourselves. We learn to only bring certain parts of ourselves to the table. To risk and bring all of ourselves is counterintuitive to our learned lessons. Thanks, Jennifer. Thank you very much.
This is so huge, this post, encompassing so much about the way people feel they appear to others. You describe in a way that distills that fear of other’s perception like nothing else I’ve encountered.
This is a post I’m going to have to go back to several times. What a beautiful analysis it is.
You should certainly be proud of your professional identity, and all the other identities that make you you. All of that makes you one really impressive and wonderful person.
Kirie
Thank you! I am so glad it resonated and aptly described this experience that we all fear in someway.
And thank you, I know you know many parts of me and am delighted I haven’t scared you off.;-)
xo
I realized long ago that who I appear to be at any given moment is not the whole of who I am. Mostly I’m a stranger to myself. I believe this to be a common occurrence but people don’t like to admit the fact since it’s so much more comfortable to nest inside concepts rather than investigate the sources of conceptual opinions.
Your personal search for that essential self while being open to the multiple ‘selves’ you present to the world is of great benefit both to your clients and those of us who love reading your work. I didn’t meet a different writer at PT when I read your new post. I don’t think you should be worried about appearances.
The deeper we go the higher we fly.
Reification/pbjectification is something we all fear and yet participate in. I am curios about your description of yourself as a stranger to yourself. You seem VERY self-aware. Sure we all have blind spots and unconsciousness. I feel very self-aware too and yet there may be whole words in me that I have yet to discover. I know for sure I will never quit exploring them.
I do feel that I am me in both places and even as I think my clients/coworkers/etc. don’t know this part of me it is very likely that they know more than I think they do.
I like the idea of not being concerned with appearances. That said, old habits die hard.;-)
I like that last sentence. That sounds like something Crow would say.xo
I understand – I also have two selves, the honest one and then the one who says “YES, I love wearing pantsuits and working with men and dealing with needy clients who don’t want to pay and whiny colleagues – that is totally what I was put on Earth to do! Oh, and I don’t need to do anything for me that, you know, might make me HAPPY or anything!!!!”
The tension of keeping the two apart gets tiring, but if Honest Me got into Daytime Me’s world she might trigger an explosion that would destroy the entire galaxy, etc. Never know.
It is tiring to keep these two aspects apart and yet, as you say, the integration of the two might blow up some worlds. If you see Mars explode then you will know what happened.;-)
I didn’t know who you were before and the only “you ” I know is through your words.
We all have different sides, moods and looks…think hair style and wardrobe changes…positive and negative projections…roles that we may play out in our lives.
The daughter, the sister, the wife, lover, friend…please relax and continue to share your true thoughts and current reality with us.
BTW…I hope that you will not mind me being honest but I find it very difficult to digest your mother’s comment about the “real you”…I think she is projecting…and attempting to exert some sort of power over you…I am not the analyst here but it doesn’t sit well with me.
Hugs XO
I am not at all concerned about you or others that I know through the blog having trouble integrating these two aspects. It is the people in my “real” life that have me concerned.
I NEVER mind you being honest!:-) I totally agree. It is my mother’s issue and her attempt to define me. It hasn’t worked thus far. I continue to expand past what she believes me to be.
Hugs to you, Hostess!xo
This has got me so confused La Belle….coz even though I know you are Tracey and have for a bit you will always be La Belle to me…..I am thinking I should have written under a pseudonym….it probably would have been much more interesting!
Whatever our nom de plumes… our real voices always come through….you will see…xv
In a lot of ways I find you very mysterious even though I know your name and have seen pictures of your home. How do you manage mystery and candor? Impressive! It is a French thing, isn’t it?;-)xo
This is a tough one. You have given your audience more of a part of you, we ‘own’ more of you in a sense . . . and in turn, you are now are forced to ‘own’ what is written in this blog in a new way.
In my opinion, this is a healing thing. You don’t have to fragment yourself for the public and private spheres. You are one person, one path. So long as you continue to struggle toward the truth, and as you write posts, try to minimize needless hurt toward those closest to you (as you do) . . . all will be well.
People mistake each other for who we really are all the time. Parents, children, spouses . . . we construct false images of each other, in whole and in part. The blog simply puts it into sharper relief. True love (I mean this in a non-romantic sense) means breaking down these assumptions and rebuilding them, flowing, and changing. That is why a healthy marriage is beautiful but also so hard. The relationships that really matter will make it through this transition without a problem.
So long as YOU don’t mistake yourself for who you really are — and I doubt you ever will — all will be well. And by the way, seeing your picture: you are flat-out gorgeous. Even sans makeup at the grocery store, I bet.
Erica
Dear Erica: Thank you so much for your very thoughtful and generous comment!!
It is the owning the me I put here that is scary. Yikes! I do think it is good and healthy and growth inducing. And I definitely do struggle towards truth and meaning. And I will always try to minimize hurting those I love. I am taking a breath and breathing in the thought….all will be well, all will be well and all will be well.
You are very kind!!! Trust me, if you saw me at the grocery store you might suggest that All would be better if I had taken the time to put on some makeup.;-)
xoxo
My advice to you my dear gorgeous friend, no more leaving the house w/o makeup, especially living in the land where a photog is always waiting in the bushes. It’s scawey, but you can do it……
Actually I am not at all afraid of leaving the house without makeup. It is more a fear of being seen as vulnerable and exposed. And happily no photographers are camping out in my bushes. That is really scawey!
You are already there. Just give all the pieces of yourself a chance to catch up
.
What is it with crazy philosophers and animals? I was thinking of Nietzsche talkin’ to a horse in his pj’s (or his jammies as he liked to call them, in my mind).
You think they will? I hope so!
Was Nietzsche wearing the pajamas or the horse? I don’t know this story and I want to!
Donna’s comment made me laugh. I embrace all of your selves, on this blog and on any other blog you write. I see what JPS is saying about the other but I think it will seem natural in time to have various identities out there. It was weird for me writing the memoir pieces and then running into friends at the store, church, etc. who had seen the blog and-never-knew but I acted as if it were the most natural thing in the world to dig up the past and write about it. After awhile, it became a non-issue.
Isn’t Donna a hoot? We area always saying that to each other, ” It’s scawey, but you can do it……” It helps.
And I hope that if the day comes that my clients/peers/etc. see this blog that they will see my humanity, my desire to share and my honesty. I hope they will not judge me harshly for my desire to share my story. I am breathing deeply now.
You’ll be amazed how anonymous you can still remain — especially in public. I thought I’d be under the microscope when I dropped my nom de plume, and yet I realize I still have the same thoughts and ideas, and the response to me and my writing hasn’t changed. It’s me that’s changed. I’m more comfortable in my own skin.
It’s liberating to be out of the closet and know that when people Google they can get the full rather an partial view of who I am and what’s on my mind.
Thank you so much for sharing this. I am curious if you have felt any professional or personal consequences for being so candid online. I am thrilled to hear how it has made you more comfortable in your own skin. That is fantastic. Hooray, you!
I guess I worry about my clients. I worry about how their knowledge of who I am will impact them. I care so deeply about my clients that I wouldn’t want my online presence to in any way impact their transferences on me.
I haven’t felt any consequences per se. I’m sure there are some who find my candor jarring. The topic of much of my writing, as you know, is one that makes people uncomfortable in general. Getting people out of their comfort zone and thinking more deeply, however, is one of the goals for my writing.
Your writing is powerful and honest. I can’t help but believe people would find it refreshing — and another reason to admire and respect you.
I can’t believe you brought up x, y and z. Have you thought about experimenting with mescaline?
In all half-seriousness, this is why anonymity can be useful even (especially?) in a non-political situation (hey “everything is political” crowd, save it for two minutes, will ya?). Any of us who puts something on the internets *wants* to be read, and a name is merely one more keyhole to objectification, if not the most skeletal of all keys.
Which doesn’t help one bit with your dilemma — see, being a rich and famous psychologist has its costs!
— but, going by your first post over there, we can tell it’s you. Even if you’re holding back, so to speak, your voice is going to be there. Think of that as a pleasant divertimento and here as a grand fugue (the musical kind, muah); facets of your being. We’re all going to be objects at some point, as inevitable as the uselessness of politicians and the falling of the leaves in November, things we unfortunately haven’t had, don’t have, nor ever will have control over. Unless we cut all the trees down, but that’s probably at least a dozen or so years away.
At least I didn’t bring up a,b and c.
No mescaline for me, but thanks for asking.;-)
Name sure does allow access to this identity and all that I have poured into this blog in a way I had never intended. I truly can’t believe I am doing this and sort of wonder if and when I will regret it. There, however, is no going back.
Who is the rich and famous psychologist you speak of? Whoever they are they sound really annoying.;-) And, yeah, I am me here and I am me there. It is just that the two of us usually prefer separate rooms. I know that I was and am and always will be an object. I know I can’t control or prevent this and yet I felt I had more control before I chose to unveil.
I would love to hear about your reasons for your pseudonym. I truly find the whole topic of online identity to be a fascinating one.
I love the end of this post.
This is an interesting issue, and I wonder if now that your name is out there you will be less likely to, on this blog, post the really personal stuff? Because the thing about blogs which really strikes me is ‘the internet is forever’, and it’s true. A post from two years ago may be totally irrelevant to your current state of mind but it’s still out there. And somehow I find that less scary if it’s just a floating set of words, unattached to an identity. I find people who blog about their lives, with names and pictures, extremely brave. But then even without the name I still feel some inhibitions about what I post. And I don’t mind the people I email knowing my name. It’s a complex thing.
x
The end of the post is the *scary* part for me. I wonder to. I am sure things will change and whether I will change or the writing will or both. Ugh! I don’t imagine I will ever be a blogger who posts lots of images from my personal life, just not my area of interest. I think it is so interesting how we all negotiate what we share and don’t share online. It is such new and interesting territory. I bet someday soon there will be a class on On-line life and the impact on identity.
xo
I feel like knowing your name helps me know La Belette better, and I’m so happy you felt that you could share it. I hope it won’t change how you write, though it will take some major adjusting, I know. I have been struggling with the semi-anonymity of my blog lately, and especially this whole “gaze of others” thing, so thank you for a your (funny and interesting, as usual) post that reminds me I’m not the only one to worry about things like this! It’s really dead on for how I’m feeling today and helped a lot! Interesting cosmic coincidences . . .
It is so interesting to me that you feel Belette better by knowing the non-bloggy me. Fascinating. I hope it won’t change how I write. If I notice that it does I will certainly write about that awareness. It is quite a synchronicity that we are both dealing with this now. I look forward to reading your writings on your journey with this issue.
I found that being anonymous allowed me to grow myself on my blog. For a time I would wonder, wait, my blog’s not the Real Me. My blog is more graceful, more considered, more elegant, more confident. Now that I too am beginning to let my last name seep out I find the former, blogless, self to be broadened by the persona that used to be “out there” on the blog, and is now more over here, with me.
In other words, I think there’s room for both our best selves and our selves in pyjamas on the sofa watching Criminal Minds. Not to say we don’t give something up, melding identities, but I think there’s also something to be gained.
I would have NEVER-EVER-EVER dared to be as open or honest if I had started with my name. NEVER!! My blog is the real me and actually it is the needy, emotional, and hyper-analytic side of me. The part of me that is more together doesn’t show up on my blog as much. I do think there is much to be gained and yet I can’t let go of the fear of the consequences—yet.;-)
Great post, as always…and so very true! I would feel just the same! Only option is to move forward and try not to worry about it, you are professional, you are of very high calibre!
However, you raise an interesting point. The theatre stage the cyberspace has offered us has, the blog, is really an interesting phenomena…I think it is like being on camera…
Have a great weekend LBR, you rock! xoxo
Thanks. I am trying. So far so good. But it is a bit difficult to not wait for the shoe to drop. Wish me luck!
Happy weekend to you!xoxo
I think you are going to do great, you are already looking back at an amazing string of thoughts and ideas. I think that we each have a side we present to others and one we are with ourselves…that fact that you can share both is a brave and wonderful thing. I always feel smarter after reading your posts and I am sure I will continue to learn and grow with you.
You are growing as scary as that it, it is super exciting too!!
Just keep a cup of hot water nearby, then you are safe from those pesky lobsters.
((hugs))
Bridging these two sides is a challenge. I don’t mind showing them both to you or to people I know who can see both sides and not make an either/or decision. I think it is the people who know me in more professional/non-vulnerable settings that have me so nervous. And I know you are right—where there is fear there is the opportunity for growth.
I have tongues, butter and a lobster bib. I am ready!;-)
xoxo
This post is such a pertinent article and issue.
I remember very well how JPS had a great impact in me when I meet him. And many times I behaved thinking of that his quote “We are alone and have no excuses”
After my car accident I started to think with a different philosophy but still JPS has an impact on me and I also have many existential crisis.
I have never been so anonymous as you had when blogging and had some troubles specially at work, but things that we have to struggle make us stronger.
I just hope it won’t change how you write,ma belle! Despite I believe you might be tempted to make some adjusting.
But you are such a great human being!!!!! And the “seeing” you just made people admire you even more, because you’re not just gorgeous inside but also outside (I feel like the ugly duck)!!! And people will forgive you any mistake in your image.
All will go very well. You know who you are and you know how to maintain it.
I feel very happy “to know” you, gorgeous you!!!!!
Much love, ma belle.
Have a fantastic weekend.
xoxo
That is such a great JPS quote. Thank you for sharing it.
I hope it won’t change how I write. It might at first. I won’t know until I hit an issue that feels vulnerable and then I will know.
You are definitely NO ugly duckling. You are a beauty inside and out.
Much love to you, my sweet friend!xoxo
You’ve done a remarkable job describing the anxiety, it’s almost tangible. Sometimes I think we have to let our new skin fit (for lack of a better term), and I think that will happen with you in your new situation, although I expect you will always be more formal at Freudian Sip, it’s a function of that role.
This one hits kind of close to home, I appreciate the sensation of the anonymity slipping away.
Sending you a smile,
tp
I like that idea of it taking a while for that new skin to fit. That metaphor makes sense.
I would love to hear your feelings about anonymity slipping away and how it impacts you.
Sometimes I feel paranoid about blog exposure. This isn’t helping!
Sorry! But, yeah, it is a bit nerve wracking. Isn’t it?;-)
Oh noes. I can relate to this post. Becoming an object to other’s vision and becoming an object in my own opinion. o_O
And I can’t leave the house without carrying a bag. I feel naked if I don’t have a bag with me. Feel so weird. Lol.
Anyway, thanks for the comment to my blog. You are missed as well. Take care. <3
I feel the same thing about not having a bag. Whenever I go out without one I feel so uncomfortable.
So glad to see you are back blogging. <3
Writing “Tracey” was definitely a hugely brave thing to do in this space that heretofore belonged to our Belette Rouge. And I am one of your bloggy friends who has actually met you and knew your real name before this blogospheric disrobing of self. Or would that be Self? I could get awfully confused if I wasn’t so sure of these things:
1) Just tonight I was toying with the idea of “coming out” by linking my Facebook page to my blog. I now have more to consider because the quote from JPS rings as clear as bells in the Alps for me.
2) Anyone who assumes you to be only Belette Rouge or Tracey (or, worse yet, needs you to be pocketed in only one identity has more problems than you should worry about….unless they become paying patients of yours.
3)If I, as one who has actually spent an entire afternoon with you at an intimate meet-up consisting of us and three other astonishingly complex and marvelous women, can separate your two identities and actually look forward to “fleshing out” a fuller person via the ability to visit two blogs in which you express aspects of each of those identities (but not all aspects of said identities), and, having gleaned a goodly impression of what makes one or both identities tick, fully realizes that you are more than the sum of these two identities–the fact of which not only seems logical but also comforting, then I would hope that any of your readers would be able to appreciate each blog and each identity as separate expressions of a most highly creative and sensitive woman, and be dazzled by the mystery of it all… because any of us would be fools to think there was not still mystery to you, and it is, of course, up to you how much of it you will share.
4)Proust would be so proud of me for the composition of #3 above!
xoxoxo
I did so many things to protect my anonymity and now I have given that up and it is a bit disorienting. I feel like I am very much in the middle of processing the reality of it. It is a huge shift for me and one that will take time to metabolize.
1) I say that, as other wise readers have said, that we are always objectified and so we might as well be true to ourselves. What do you have to lose by linking your identities? And what do you hve to gain?
2) Well said. And, yeah, I do worry about how patients will perceive their expanded knowledge of me. However, the real truth is that I lose nothing in being honest, authentic and vulnerable. At least I hope that is the truth.
3) Wow! Thank you. Truly that helps. I am printing that part and reminding myself of your wise words when I get scared.
4) Want a madeline?;-)
xoxo
I’ve been going through something like this, on a smaller scale, ever since agreeing to blog for the opera. Since they introduce their bloggers on their various on-line sites by our full names, I expect that eventually some of my students are going to be putting my two identities together. Sometimes this keeps me from sleeping; other times, I’m able to shrug it off.
Interesting that while dealing with this brings Sartre and his nothingness to mind for you, I keep flashing on (unintended pun) Lacan and his sardine can . . .
I am curious what your concerns are about your students seeing your blog. I know for me that my main concern is that if my clients read my blog that it will impact the transference. That said, I do feel like I don’t share anything here that is in anyway harmful to them. I share my truth and pain and complexity and my search for meaning. I guess I fear that by coming out behind the curtain of my therapist Persona that I lose some of my perceived authority as an expert. Ugh!
Lacan and sardines???? You must say more!
I can relate to your scarediness (my word). You never worried about us not seeing other aspects of you, because you control the blog. A nom de plume allows us the freedom to expose bits and pieces of our lives—to give those parts freely behind a nameless/faceless name and choose to keep others private.
I have two blogs and both are under an alias, although my other blog exposed who I am through my bragging rights to my published poetry. And I finally shared my other blog with ex-colleagues and some family.
Tracey or La Belette, you’ll still offer bits and pieces of your life to us. I wish I could say it’s fine to put your real name on your blog—I haven’t done it. BUT you can’t control people’s actions. If friends, colleagues, etc. criticize or question your words, then they didn’t know you or appreciate you in the first place. HA! Easy for me to say. I give you a lot of credit and wish you the best with your new true name status.
Congratulations again on your publications.
I am going to try and quiet my scardiness with your wise words: ” If friends, colleagues, etc. criticize or question your words, then they didn’t know you or appreciate you in the first place. ”
THanks so much,PoeticZest!
Like everyone here, I delight in you in all your manifestations. I think one of the great things about blogging (and there are so many) is that you can dial up or down or sideways who you want to say you are at a particular moment. Sometimes it’s such a relief for me to leave behind that entangled public self and have a space where I am doing all the self-defining. You must be feeling really confident now (however scary it feels) to connect your purely self-defining space with one that’s got your public self attached to it. Hooray for you.
I am feeling both confident and utterly terrified. I did decide that those who love me and value me and feel like I have made a difference in their life in someway will enjoy/support/encourage what I have done here and not find that this blog defines who I am completely. I hope that is the case. I’ll let you know how it goes.
Exposing oneself—not in the dicey way—on a blog is a common worry for bloggers. Over and over I read about this concern. I had it myself when I revealed my face, but I didn’t have anything real at stake, like you have.
I weathered the storm fine, and so has everyone else who has shown their face, revealed their name, and pulled back the veil or curtain of anonymity they had up. You will too, regardless of any outsider’s reaction.
I’d tell you not to worry because of this, I’d tell you not to fret, because people are forgiving and they want others to succeed, but I know you will have to go about this nervousness and apprehension your own way, on your own timetable, so I will not give instructions.
I will say that I bet I speak for everyone when I say that “I am on your side.”
xo
Thank you for this reminder of you and others who have braved this sea of self-disclosure. All will be well. Right? I am happy to have you as a friend. I am happy to have your encouragement and gentle assurances. Thank you.
I never imagined my blog was going to be so intimate when I started writing almost 2 years ago…
Turns out blogs have a life of their own and just sip the sap outta you!! Just keep writing… Eventually you won’t feel weird about not just being une belle belette anymore…
I know some people found out about my feelings for them while reading my blog a year ago… So there you go… It can’t be that bad…
Loads of love!!
So true. My blog has a life of its own and it continues to break the rules I set for it. I know this is just a transition phase and this too shall pass and I will come across new requirements of change and expansion that this blog will inspire. I do think that this coming out is a good thing and yet the fear remains. Scary and enlivening go hand in hand.
Loads of love to you, lovely Lena!
I completely understand your ambivalence, but I think when you blog some more with this knowledge that your name is out there floating around, you’ll get past it just fine.
I’ve been semi-anonymous for almost two years. I don’t even think about it anymore. I write what I feel comfortable writing and “release” any reservation or guilt when I hit the PUBLISH button. I consider it “mind over what doesn’t matter.”
Really, it’s liberating to feel like you’re not hiding anything; just sharing what you CHOOSE to share. Whether you are anonymous or not, your words are dangling in cyberspace in perpetuity.
Letting go and not minding what doesn’t matter is liberating. I do feel like I have taken a big leap and while that feels freeing I guess what I fear is where I will land.
And, dear Fragrant Liar, those last words, ” your words are dangling in cyberspace in perpetuity” scare the bejeezus out of me.
I know what you mean. For a few months after I started my blog I didn’t tell anyone I actuallly knew that I had one. Then I gradually started telling trusted people who read it and enjoyed it. But I never revealed my real identity on the blog until I joined Facebook and started to post links to my blog. Finally I gave up altogether and put my FB badge on my blog. I used to also comment anonymously on local forums and now I comment with my name. I figure if people know what I really think and don’t like me anymore, they weren’t real friends to begin with. Good for you, going public!
Mimi: I wish someone would write a book about the psychology of online presence. I am sure someone will. It seems at first many of us don’t want the people in our life to know about our online life and then, at some point, we do. Thanks so much for sharing your experience. And thank you!!!
…more to say…I read a lot of Jean Paul Sartre in college – love your whole explanation about the Other.
-Mimi (thought I’d put my real name in there since I was saying I use my real name to comment in other places!)
Thanks so much. Not easy to boil down any of his ideas. He was a complex thinker and a great philosopher.
So nice to know your real name.:-) Thanks, Mimi!
As someone who knows both “yous”, I have to say I admire them equally. And, when you decide to debut yet another “you”, I’m happy to add that one to the crowd. Of course, I’m a Gemini so I think you can’t have too many personalities. Really, those people who are the same with everyone get kind of boring, no?
PS: Why don’t you write the book about “online presence”. It seems to me that you are a) a writer, b) a therapist and c) an online presence. Just a thought.