First I feel that I must tell you something that I am sure goes without saying, I take my professional life VERY seriously. When I go to work I dress professionally. It is important to me to communicate to my clients that I take our work together seriously and part of how I do that is through how I present myself visually. Actually, and I say this not out of any kind of hubris but based on somewhat objective standards that I feel sure that most of you would agree with (and, yes, I appreciate that you have a bias that would favor me as you are my friend or at least a friendly reader who has bothered to read this far), I am fairly confident that I dress better than your average therapist and I, without question, have nicer shoes than your average Rockport/Mephisto/Birkenstock wearing male-therapist.
When my toe was broken and I had to wear Tory Burch thongs to work (as it was the only thing I could get my foot into) I HATED it. I hated that my shoes might in anyway communicate that I am not a professional and that I take my work with my clients anything less than 100% seriously. I tell you all of this to tell you what some of you already know, the guy that I rent my office space from(who is also a therapist) had the nerve to ask me if my $320 Tory Burch Leopard Pumps were “professional?”. I answered reflexively, “Why do you say that?” and I feel sure my face added the non-verbal address of , “you, in those shoes and that outfit are daring to ask me about my shoes”. He fired back without any indication that he was aware that he was entering some seriously dangerous territory in which I was, given the time and space, capable of invicirating him even though I am declawed and highly proffesional, “well,” he went on “you are psychoanalytic. And aren’t you supposed to be a blank screen? And those shoes are kind of wild-woman.” As soon as he completeted his accusation I heard the door of the lobby open, my client had arrived. I left my clueless colleague behind and walked away in my beautiful shoes. I greeted my client and invited her into my office. Want to know the first thing she said to me before we sat down? “I like your shoes.” I thanked my client and we immediately got to work.
It was when my work day was over and I was on my way home that my mind returned to my colleague’s uncalled for comment and it was then that I had the time and space to think about what exactly my colleague was saying. How dare he question my professionalism, it wasn’t like I was wearing lucite stripper heels? I was wearing designer shoes that I bought at Neiman Marcus. It wasn’t the cut or quality of the shoe that my peer had a problem with, it was the print. He was saying, in the subtext of his question, that leopard is a symbolism of sexuality. He was inferring that I was too much of a sexual object to be a professional. He was saying that my shoes made me seem like a “wild woman”. His comment was telling me that he, when he saw me in those shoes, no longer saw me as a professional but rather as a sexual object. And you know what, that ain’t my issue. That is his. He needs to get his Dockers covered ass back into therapy and look at why he has to split women into either “professional” or “sex object”. And I have to wonder if he would say something like that to some therapist dude in a surf shirt and faded and un-ironed trousers? Would he dare to bring his professionalism into question? Would he point out the impact of such thoughtless and unprofessional attire? I doubt it. Grrrrr!!! This leopard wearing therapist is mad.
The more I thought about his sexist and inappropriate comment the more that I wanted to go back and give him a taste of how fierce this leopard shoe wearing woman was. The image of him in his camp shirts and his Dockers and his VERY bad shoes and his incredible gall to infer that I was in anyway unprofessional had me in a wild fury of contempt. It has been several weeks since this happened and I am still mad about it—yet I have said nothing. And I know why, I fear that if I say something that I will lose my office space. I don’t want to have to find another office space. I am not proud of this reason for not confronting him about this–but it’s the truth.
I hadn’t planned on telling you about this here as I already vented about this a bit on Facebook but then I ran into subtle sexism from a psychology professional #2 and it started to seem like a theme in my life that I can’t ignore. Actually, I am not sure how subtle either of these examples really are. Okay, so I was in my psychoanalytic psychotherapy class and the analyst in charge was lecturing on the three different Freud’s: the American, The British and the French. All was well until we get to the French Freud and the instructor started talking about Lacan and this is where everything went pear shaped. So the instructor asked if any of us had read Lacan, before I could raise my hand, a guy in the class blurted out “I was in a practicum in which this Lacanian analyst was speaking and she was a typical French bitch.” I tell you, my friends, I almost lost my mind. I feel sure that my eyes turned into the size of buffet plates and that my jaw hit the desk below me in disbelief; I looked like an animated cartoon character. I could not believe my ears, which in true Warner Brother’s style, had steam coming out of them. Happily the instructor stopped him from further slurs with a “Hey now, guy!”.
Even as the instructor moved us onto the impact of Lacan on psychoanalytic theory and away from this guy’s gender and Xenophobic slurs, I couldn’t get past what had just been said. If the Lacanian analyst had been a man he would have called him a jerk or dumb or pompous or ill-informed but he wouldn’t have likely attacked his gender. If she or he had been from Canada he wouldn’t have brought her nationality into the equation. But because she was a French woman he attacked both her gender and her country of origin. I was relieved to see that his diatribe wasn’t going to be allowed, however something happened in that “French bitch” comment. He had, with that comment, told me a lot about who he is and, if I should I dare to say something he disagreed with, what the consequences would be. If I were to raise my hand and say that I actually like Lacan a lot and that I found Ecrits to be a fascinating extrapolation of Freudian theory that I might get dismissed and be boiled down to a stereotype. He, with that comment, silenced me and perhaps the other women in the room.
All weekend I have been thinking about this guy. I have thought about writing an email to the instructor and thanking him for not allowing that kind of speech to stand. I have thought about calling the head of the program and sharing with her that in truth I don’t think the instructor took a strong enough stance and that it is my wish that someone talk to this guy about that comment. I have decided instead to wait to talk to Igor today and see his take on this. I guess what’s holding me back is that I feel some concern that I am overreacting. Maybe I am being too sensitive. Maybe by saying anything to the instructor or to the head of the department that I will get identified as an over-sensitive troublemaker. I don’t want that reputation and yet, to tell you the truth, I can’t stop thinking about this guy’s inappropriate outburst and how it has changed my feelings about being in the class. I guess the thing is that I don’t want to be the Anita Hill of the psychology set. It didn’t go so well for Anita and, as you know, Clarence still got the job even after she dared to speak up. I will admit that I have had fantasies that I could go into class week and belt out La Marseillaise in resistance ( I can’t see this scene in Casablanca without crying)—too bad I don’t have the voice or the words, or the courage.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYSqnq3roMg
I love those shoes.. and what a prude..bigot …erm wanker !!
xx
Thanks, Ruth! Well said…he is.:-)xo
Both comments are very unprofessional, but they shouldn’t silence you or they would have served their purpose. Speak up if you may, disagree with them when you have to and that will put them in place. When I am confronted with that kind of remarks I answer politely but firmly and that is it. That kind of people never learns, they just want to voice their discontent by making others feel bad. They are not worth a penny.
As for the 2nd guy I would have ridiculed him with a simple question like: “Ok, you had a bad experience with a French woman, but beyond that, have you even read Lacan? What do you think of his work, which is what was actually ASKED?”
I am looking forward to hearing Igor’s opinion!
Hugs from CY!
If this had just happened with guy #1 I might have found a way to ignore this. But now that it happened twice I feel like I MUST deal with it. If I notice a pattern I can’t, just can’t, ignore it.
Marcela, I was so stunned to hear his sexism and xenophobia( I didn’t know that there were educated people who really hated the French!) so it shocked and I truly couldn’t speak. I wish i could have said what you said. It is perfect. I need to find my voice on this topic. Writing is always the first step for me in finding my voice.
I agree that it is worrying that analysts-nonetheless!- are sexists. To be honest, it took me a lot of practice to force me to react to these kind of situations.I used to either shut up or rant and neither was good: the 1st option left me feeling impotent, the 2nd left me embarassed for losing control (something like what happened to Meg Ryan in “You’ve got mail”
. Pedro helped me react in time and well because it was necessary for dealing with my father. Now it comes naturally but it took a lot of time and a lot of effort!
I truly go into shock. It is like my autonomic nervous system takes over and I freeze. It is my hunch that comes from years of emotional abuse and other PTSD like experiences. I want to be the kind of person who can say, “I find that comment to be offensive” and not stummer and stammer and apologize and/or do a 50-minute disclaimer. I really want to be that person. Oh, goody, more Igor fodder!;-)
I don’t suppose it helps much to tell you that most of the French bitches I’ve met were men?
LOL!
First, and most importantly, those shoes are fabulous, I love them. OF COURSE your female client recognized this. Most men understand these things about as well as a baby understands quantum theory. Offer him his rattle and a hydrox. (Oreos would be too good). I bet his Dockers come in a dizzying array of browns, dull greens and daring grays. Hard to keep ‘em down on the farm once they’ve seen Target and Super K.
Set aside for a moment this man’s obvious torment. Well, what I mean, darling, is that on the one hand, he is looking at you and thinking you look really well and appealing, for reasons his overburdened limbic system can only dimly guess at. This excites him. However, he panics, because he fears the power of the vajayjay to reabsorb him and make him disappear. Lions and tigers and women, oh my! And so he makes some idiot remark about your shoes and your professionalism, and as the threat shrinks, his heart rate returns to something resembling normal.
Of course there is more to this. It’s like the old joke…if a man and a woman say the same thing at the same time, has the woman really spoken? He says this shit because he can. And to make it worse, entrenched male entitlement is blandly oblivious of itself. It simply IS. So therefore, if a woman objects or reacts, she is an inexplicable biatch, and probably from Paris.
Which brings me to Bachelor #2. (oh come on…you know he is!). His comment is a deliberate provocation and slap in the face to every woman in the room. “Come on, guy” or whatever was said is wayyyyyyyyy insufficient. I am going to sit here, several states away, with nothing to lose, and tell you that it simply has to be addressed. If he had used the N word rather than the B word, would the reaction have been the same? Thought not. That room is now a hostile space for every woman sitting there.
Meanwhile, on to what matters most. In fourth grade French class, we had to memorize La Marseillaise for our final test. We could recite it or sing it. I was the only one in the entire class who sang it. Did I tell you that already? I only have had so many high points, you know. May as well drag them out at every opportunity!
It is so good to have you back, dear Weasel-Friend. Love you.
Tiger-Friend
You are SO NOT OVERREACTING. And you’re right that #2 effectively undercut anything either a woman or someone who finds value in Lacan would’ve said afterward.
Here’s my take: while often mens’ comments on a woman’s appearance fit into the “just a cigar” category, often they *are* meant to put a woman into her place, even if that comment was positive on the surface. It’s a statement of “I am the judge of you,” and a declaration of power-over. And I think we know the difference when we experience it. I also think you’ve assesed both situations accurately.
Thank you. It feels so good to be validated on this point. As soon as he said it I felt this profound sense of being silenced. For the next year that I am in a room with this guy that comment it going to impact how I am and I don’t want that. He does not deserve that power. Ugh! I know I have to do something and yet I am still not sure of how best to handle it.
Dear Tiger-Friend: You are awesome. And you NAILED it with “the dizzying array of browns, dull greens and daring grays.” And thank goddess that I was not drinking water when I read “Hard to keep ‘em down on the farm once they’ve seen Target and Super K.”
I know you are right. I know it. And I know bachelor #1’s( and he is DEFINITELY a bachelor) comment came from anxiety about a mother that absorbed him and wouldn’t let him individuate. That said, I still wanted to do some “Crouching Leopard, Hidden Psychoanalytic Kung Fu” on his Dockers wearing hiney.
It makes me crazy that this kind of sexism still exists. I know it is naive to think otherwise and yet whenever it happens my first reaction is “really? still? are you kidding me with this?” It seems that Bachelor 1&2 are still in the dark ages.
And, yes, Bachelor #2 is most certainly a bachelor. I am guessing there may be some mother issues with this one too. Shocking, huh?
I know you are absolutely right about the impact of his statement of the discourse and if it had been the “N’ word the instructor wouldn’t have stopped at “Hey now!”.
It has been decided, you, my dear Tiger-friend, must get on a plane and come to class with me on Thursday. When you get to class you will sing La Marseillaise. Huh??? Come on, you know you want to!!
It is good to be back. Thanks so much for your comment!Love you too!
Weasel-friend!
I think as women until we can summon up the courage to push past the “I wanted to speak up but I don’t want to be thought of as a ” then we will continue to swallow our anger and walk away instead of voicing our objections and pointing out the sexism (subtle or otherwise) in statements such as the one mentioned in your post.
It is not until we can get to the point where we do not care how others perceive us that we can begin to fight the prejudices that permeate every aspect of our society. Takes a lot of courage and fortitude. Someday I hope to have enough of it.
Thanks, JSS, I know you are right. And I fear that I am going to have to say something even though I am terrified( not using that word in any kind of hyperbolic way—it is VERY scary to stand up to this kind of sexism. I wish it came easier for me and for all women).
I know a P.I. who would put a few slugs in him for you if you want???
Ummm… overreacting? No. As in hell no. Not one iota.
And not to diminish the issue, but the shoes are awesome, absolutely fab.
Sending you a smile,
tp
Thanks. I didn’t think so and yet there is a fear of being over-sensitive that goes waaaay back.
And, thanks, I do love the shoes. Tory knows how to make leopard look lady-like.
Vive la France! The shoes are divine. Psychology not-professionals #1 and #2 are nitwits. I see the point about speaking up but I too wouldn’t want to be Anita Hill. It ruined her life. Speaking truth to power can be an act of martyrdom.
Oui!!! Vive la France!!! And, thank you, my professional friend for seeing how great the shoes are!:-)
I wonder if Anita wrote a biography. I might want to read that. I would love to hear how she feels about daring to tell the truth. She is a hero even though her truth wasn’t really *heard*.
She wrote Speaking Truth to Power:
http://www.amazon.com/Speaking-Truth-Power-Anita-Hill/dp/0385476272?tag=labelrou04-20
Thank you! I am ordering it. I love that title. And I love her courage.
Sometimes I feel we are all stuck on a scratched record repeating the same old stereotypical crap day after day.
I’ll tell you a story, I once sat in a staff room, near by were two sweaty overweight with faces only a mother could love men, cheap white shirts buttons straining not pretty. Every woman who walked into the staff room was commented on including a friend of mine, I told them to go and buy a full length mirror and face up to the fact that they of all people had no foundation what so ever to judge the appearance of others.
I live by the rule that if I don’t want to hear it I should not say it, but it seems that people, often men, just don’t have the sensitivity to understand that a fleeting comment can have a lasting impact.
I agree that the urge to say something is always there but I know that if you say something in their head they just feel vindicated and that all women are just sour bitches with a chip on their shoulder. So I find a pitiful withering look has to suffice and know that they will never ever get decent shag!
On a slightly different note but it makes my blood boil, I am probably more sensitive to cultural differences living with a Muslim, we joke about it in the privacy of home, but on the BBC recently new members of the British shadow cabinet were categorised as men, woman and can you believe Muslims! Since when were people labelled by their culture? Not one other person was labelled Catholic or Protestant, yet Muslims and Jews to a certain extent, are always labelled as such as if to mark them out as something different often by those who should know better.
The shoes are fabulous BTW and far less distracting the sweaty arm pitted man with the saggy Dockers.
I thank you on behalf of all women everywhere for your telling those wankers to knock it off and take a cold-hard look at themselves. One of the themes I am stuck on at the moment is the fact that so many things are said and done and then forgotten by the person who has said and done them. The instigator goes on his/her merry way and has no idea that they did anything wrong and the person who received their ill spoken words are stuck with it and can’t get their vile words out of our heads . Hate this.This drives me cookaloo crazy.
And, bachelor #2 did in telling a story about his supervisor described him as a “Jew”. I admit at the time I thought “why the hell is his religion in any way relevant to this story? I find it offensive that Muslims and Jews are labeled when it isn’t in anyway relevant. Grrr!! If he tells a story about me will he describe me as a “bitchy white-agnostic american”??? I think not!
Thank you! Bad pants are much more distracting than gorgeous shoes.
Grrrrr…..
Let us know what happens…
Will do!
I love those shoes too…I think your colleague is ignorant and we have to pray for him : )
xoxo
Thanks, lovely you!xoxo
The first reaction I have to both of these characters and their obvious lack of professionalism is just how difficult it really is to find a therapist who wouldn’t be dangerous to ones psychological development. Is therapy simply a job for them that they feel they can walk away from after they’ve put in their ‘hours’?
How dare someone wearing the casual dress prevalent on every college campus – beige dockers, blue shirt, no tie, and a pair of Birkenstocks – not realize he is dressed in a uniform of conformity? As Frank Zappa so famously said (or am I the only one who remembers?) in a concert introduction to ‘Brown Shoes Don’t Make It’:
“Everybody in this room is wearing a uniform and don’t kid yourself!”
The fact we get get to choose fashionable and beautiful uniforms is a great benefit. Maybe your office landlord needs to check his wardrobe with his anima before he leaves his house.
As for the other guy and his reactionary comment about the Lacanian therapist he’d met, my only comment is that he should have been rebuked immediately by the instructor. Failing that, you would have been perfectly within your rights to take him on – probably with cheers and kudos from the student body.
We all know Anita Hill was correct.
Susan, thank you so much for your very thoughtful comment. The lack of sensitivity and awareness that these two guys have shown make me wonder what it is like to sit with them in therapy. Truthfully, I can’t even imagine it; too awful.
And, yes, even anti-fashion is a fashion. One can’t escape a uniform. In a million years I would never say what he said to me to him—even though his presentation could use a bit of an extreme makeover.
I do think the reaction by the instructor should have been firmer and more clear. It felt too soft and it left some room for this guy to do it again. Ugh.
We all know that Anita was right but Clarence is the one who has all the might.
He could have used the remark profitably as a ‘teaching moment’.
We’ll be paying a long time for Clarence Thomas. I have fond memories of the Warren Court.
I agree. I wish he had.
I still can’t believe that Clarence got confirmed.
Madonna or whore…will those stereotypes ever go away?
Sorry to hear of this story. I wish you courage to speak up. We may have come a long way baby, but, unfortunately, we still have a long way to go….
If you didn’t see my story on FB, I was at my son’s baseball practice last week and they we chided by one of the coaches… “C’mon guys. You look like a bunch of gilrs out there!” I immediately piped up and retorted, “And what’s wrong with that?!”
Men will never get it until they are placed in the same position (ummm…freudian?) as women and any other minority who has been treated /objectifed/whatever as we have been throughout cultures and times…. And we have to do it in a way that they GET it…. if that is even possible…
He was clearly feeling threatened in one way or another…. I say, Good for you!!
Seriously! I cannot believe this dialectic will never expand. Ugh!
Hooray for you for having the baseballs to confront the idiot in the crowd. I hope that in time that this changes and that one need not be oppressed to understand oppression.
Why what a strange comment, and how shallow of you to correlate my personal choices of footwear with my ability to be professional!! AND as for you Mr. French Hater, mangez le merde!
It’s just stupid people who have to bring everything down to sex! Move on and forget about it till they say it again then slam em!
I have a hunch that this is not the last time I will hear something from wither of these men that make my ears sizzle. I hope I’m wrong. If I am not, you will hear about it here.;-)
I am a firm believer in first time shame on you second time shame on me. Curiously the older I get the more stupid remarks I hear. What is that all about? These kinds of remarks are so 1950!
Really? I would have thought over time we would hear less of these.
I think you have assessed both situations correctly and both men. And #2 definitely changed the atmosphere in the classroom, undercutting anything a woman might have to say on the subject both in that class and in classes to come, as the bile continues in memory poisoning all future interactions. And the instructor’s response was completely inadequate to the situation and only serves to allow this kind of behavior to continue.
Of course, the entire attitude that women, to be serious or “professional” have to be removed from the realm of femininity is something that has rankled since childhood. Boys will be boys, but girls, if they want to get ahead, have to be boys too, except that then they are the b-word. As for bachelor #2, I have encountered many highly intelligent educated men like him and am afraid that he is not an uncommon species, though I wish it was not true. And someone definitely needs to speak up, you need to speak up. I wonder what Igor will say, but I am inclined to think you need to speak with the instructor first to make him aware of the situation (which he clearly underestimates) and then you both need to address the situation in class. Much of this depends on the instructor and whether he is just oblivious or unconcerned. However I am not sure if I would have the courage to do it either. But I will stand tall with you, arm in arm. Sending strong vibes.
The residue of what #2 is still in the room and I don’t know what it will take to get it out of there. I am still baffled. And I am, to be completely honest, afraid of the residue of reactions I would get if I were really to confront this. It would be so much easier if I could take you all with me. There is safety in numbers. That said, there were only 3 men in the classroom, the other 6 of us are women. That being the case he even had more nerve to say that. However, there is an assumption, like in romance languages that if there is even one man in the room that they are the dominant force.
Ugh, what a tool that guy was! I really can’t add much here.
I suspect the no one will be able to straighten him out by pointing out that his comment was a clear indication of his bigotry. He knew he was saying it, and he knew it was wrong. He did it anyway. Because he doesn’t care.
As for the instructor, he may have been able to do more to establish that he expects respectful behavior in his class, and who knows why he didn’t. You could ask. I’d be curious to know what his response was.
Shocking, no? There was more bigotry from this guy( see my comment to Alison). I was shocked by that too. I have a bias( clearly wrong) that educated people don’t think like this. I know on some level that it isn’t true and yet I cling to it. An innocent and naive part of me clings to that education expands people and obliterates prejudice. Nope. Not true. I do think that I will likely talk to the instructor about this before the next class.
Oink, oink to both little boys!
It’s never a simple matter to confront another professional, and I use that term very lightly with #1 and #2. These men are “supposed to be aware”…. unfortunately the hostility from some professional men bubbles just under the surface and then – whack – their colors flourish in all their sexist glory!
If it were me, I’d want to confront each of them. I’d use my words sparingly, directing addressing the fact that each comments was offensive. No defending what you feel, or why you feel it.
I think women do a lot of self-silencing because we’re afraid that our anger will overtake us or that we’ll be made fun or they’ll be retaliation.
There well may be a price to pay. I want the right and the freedom from fear to stand up for myself when I choose to do it.
Standing with you in your choice!
I feel for their femle patients. And I am not being glib. I really do. How awful to have a therapist who has such biases against you! I want to do as you would.My impulse would be to defend my feelings and I don’t want to do that. I do fear retaliation from both men if I were to dare and say anything. Thanks so much for weighing in.
Someone once told me things would be easier for me at work if I stopped wearing red lipstick and high heels. He happened to be my boyfriend who worked in the same office. I’m sure he was just voicing what everyone else was thinking. But if I had changed my lipstick and my shoes, my MIND was still going to bother all of them. So I left.
And this is why I stopped wearing “little man suits” to work – me and my mind were still too different, and dressing like a short male attorney with a pageboy wasn’t masking The Difference well enough. And why should we have to mask at all?
Viva la difference! We don’t have to look like men in order to succeed.
You were wise to keep the shoes and the lipstick and lose the BF and the job. I bet you still have the shoes!:-)
Of course, I have the shoes!
Love it!
Jebus! Women-haters! Can’t live with ‘em, can’t kill them & get away with it.
C’est difficil!
Vive La France!
Vive La Bellette Rouge!
Vive Le {metaphorical} kick in the pants!
Porqui ‘metaphorical”?;-)
Ok. Perhaps ‘virtual’ would have been better n’est ce pas………
Here’s the thing: we get ourselves worked up until we think we must have the perfect response that will instantly convert the stupid and settle the situation forever. We put too much pressure on ourselves, and then (often) don’t respond at all. Better to say something simple and geared to opening a conversation. With luck, the other person might actually respond appropriately. At least you’ll have tried, and can decide what to do next.
I like the way you think. Still not sure what I am going to do. I am moving towards:
Bachelor #1: Nothing until he does it again and then I will say I find it offensive.
Bachelor#2: Talk to the instructor.
I’ve tried out some responses to boor #2 (“what’s the DSM IV number for that? And what’s the DSM IV number for crude sexism?”) but they’re too flip.
As for boor #1, one thing I’ve learned from Deja Pseu and Sal at Already Pretty and you and all the other super fashion bloggers is that style is a big, glorious “HELL NO” to the societal request that women just fade into nothing once they are a certain age. Your shoes say, “I’m here. I’m here for a reason. I’m taking up physical and visual and psychological space. I’m not leaving the field.” I have massive issues with self-assertion, and I would mistrust a therapist who consented to her own disappearance. I used to be very pleased when my own dear therapist had a good look going on (she had some shoe issues — always appropriate, but usually only appropriate). Yes, it was transference, but I liked seeing assertion enacted. You are honoring your clients by dressing nicely when you are working together. If therapists were truly supposed to be a blank screen, then all of you would dress in judges’ robes or monks’ habits.
(The button that will cause this comment to be published is labeled “submit.” HELL NO! I won’t submit! And neither should you! But I will click the button
)
YES!!!!!!!!! I love it. I will not dissapear. I will not fade into the background. And, miracle of miracles, Boor#1, I am able to exist and be there for others. It is possible to do both. I do feel like I model self care for my clients by saying I value myself enough to make an effort. Never-ever-ever have I had a client who had an issue with my wardrobe.
LOL! I love your “HELL NO! I won’t submit! And neither should you! But I will click the button.” Love it. Thank you!!!!!!
I’d remain firm with my colleague and leave the course incident be. I’ve rocked the boat. I got wet, everyone else stayed dry in the boat.
That is my fear. I don’t want him to get to stay on the boat and me stuck on rebel island with no one for company but my knowledge that I was right.
First of all… Your shoes are so cute!!! And some people are stupid… ( Sorry, I am in such a bad mood lately… I can’t help thinking stupid people should be banished from earth…)
And second… French Bitch?? I think you really should act on that one… (Again it could be my inner fury talking here… )
tons of love… XXX
Colonizing the sun with stupid people is something I am up for.;-)
French bitch” sticks in my craw much more than the shoes. The shoe comment was stupid and, yes sexist, but mostly it was stupid. It isn’t going to stop me from dressing how I want to. The second guy’s words do impinge on my behavior and that is the problem.xoxo
You go, Belette! The Lacanian Freud (and Juliet Mitchell’s explication thereof) is the Freud for me . . . and why I can’t know and say that and STILL wear leopard-print shoes is beyond me. And “French Bitch”??? This is someone with the potential to guide someone’s therapy? Scary!
I have only read Ms. Mitchell’s Selected Melanie Klein reader. What do you recommend?
This either/or sense of people is getting old. We can be fashionable and well read. Leopard and Lyotard are not mutually exclusive!
Yep, both of these guys see patients. It is scary.
I love that: Leopard and Lyotard not mutually exclusive indeed!
I don’t think you are overanything-ing.
Anytime you feel you can not speak in an enviroment in which you are there to learn is a problem.
Shame on that person for being so antiquated, he has a lot of learning to do.
You dear Belette go forward and continue enlightening yourself!
Shoes, clothes, thoughts…
Thanks, Barreness! It is so nice to hear overwhelmingly that I am not being oversensitive. He does have a lot to learn and he(s) could use a good therapist.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love this post, I hate to say this, but it seems like every time you go through something horrific, you just get better and better. the images on this were perfection!!!
Thanks, lovely Donna! One of the things that I love about being a writer is that all tragedy can be transformed into art. Glad you enjoyed.
Your (gorgeous) shoes are absolutely none of his business! He clearly has some sort of issue with attractive women who are also professional and intelligent. My unprofessional guess is that he feels threatened by women who are both beautiful and intelligent as he can not put them in his easy identifiable boxes.
I agree. I think he is definitely threatened and I also think, truth be told, that he was projecting his unprofessionalism on me. However I am far to professional to tell him that.;-)
My question-are you still wearing those shoes to sessions? I hope so.
I sure am. No way am I giving up my gorgeous leopard shoes because of him. I might even wear them more often.;-)
Thanks for reminding me of this beautiful scene. Although I’m not French. I think that La Marseillaise is the most moving national anthem of all. I’ve shared a tear too. Hugs. Ciao. A.
I am not French either but it makes me cry where our national anthem only when I watch the Olympics.
Hi LaBelette,
I hope you haven’t lost too much sleep over either one of these comments. It’s weird a guy would even comment on your shoes without you broaching the topic. I wonder if he’s a cross dresser or gay, and mad he couldn’t find the same shoe in his size. Who knows? He could have also been stuck wearing Garanimals when he was a kid and despises animal attire of any kind.
I love your description, “I feel sure that my eyes turned into the size of buffet plates.” I’ll admit, sometimes I react verbally before tossing a response in head first. I think it’s human nature for people to respond harshly to things they don’t like. Apparently, the guy can’t stand the French. I’m the first to admit that I’ve verbally attacked anyone and anything that I disliked, so I can’t really fault someone for doing something I’ve done before.
Let “Dockers boy” frump around through his daily activities, and “French bitch” hater run his mouth off that will ultimately catch him in a snag, and possibly a huge one. I wouldn’t waste one more bit of energy or time on these guys.
Take care.
LOL! I love your theories. Or maybe it was a mix of both? Maybe he is a cross dressing guy who was forced to wear Garanimals by a wild mother.
I feel resolved with all this. I talked to Igor. I took an action and I feel better. Guess I will wait until Friday and tell you what action I decided to take and how it worked out.
Thanks again!
This is why I leave my stilettos at home when I come to the library.
The analyst in charge sounds like a typical provincial American rube.
OMG!! I would pay full price to check out library books from you if you were in fact wearing stilettos. And I sure you I would never accuse of not being professional no matter what brand of stilettos you choose to wear.
And I do wish the teacher had been more assertive in setting boundaries.
First: yes, the shoes are FABULOUS. They say that you have a sense of style and taste. Secondly, I cannot believe that someone would blurt out such a thing in a class. It’s one thing to think it (ugh), another to have the lack of judgement to say it. And both incidents smack of sexism and say more about the speakers than the “objects.”
My therapist is blind. She wears boring shoes and clothes and her teeth are on the brownish side. I like her. I find myself a bit distracted by the fact that she is blind, but I’ve only been to her about four times and expect that this distraction will disappear over time. Are all therapists supposed to erase themselves because of the myriad ways their clients will interpret them? Bah.
We have this problem in the professorial world too. But I will keep wearing my art deco-ish teal suede heels with grosgrain ribbon ties while teaching, say, Emerson. He had a good thing or two to say about non-conformity as well.
It is good to be oversensitive because as women we have become so used to such behavior and language that we have become desensitized and therefore, unconscious of such injustices! YOU GO WOMAN!
That kind of behavior should be grounds for dismissal or at the least suspension. He clearly has shown who he is and you know what our girl, Maya says about that.
I’m so proud to call you my friend! xo