Blogging has changed my life. It is right up there with getting married, going to college and starting therapy in terms of its profound life changing impact. Blogging has changed things about my character that I thought were unchangeable, permanent and irretractably set in stone. For a long time I have been ruminating on writing a blog post called “write a blog, change your life” and that is because I am constantly amazed how blogging has changed my life and changed me. The reason that I haven’t written this post before is that the longer I blog the more ways I experience the varied and surprising ways that blogging has changed my life and changed me and that the full impact of its effects can’t be known until I am done blogging and I am nowhere near done blogging. So that is why I am calling today Part I of what will clearly be a multi-episode series. For today I have decided to to document the four ways that blogging has changed my character.
Character Change Number One: Discipline
Three years ago no one was calling me disciplined. No one. Not even the people in my life who feel obligated to lie to me in order to buoy my spirits—the people who would tell me I was beautiful when I had a huge zit on my forehead and who would tell me I was smart when I had just made a really stupid mistake—and certainly not Kelly Valen who is the author of the soon to be released and must be read book, Twisted Sisterhood. I don’t mean to name drop here. I know it is unseemly. However I have to tell you what a BIG deal it was for me to wake one morning to see that Kelly, a person I don’t really know and who has no reason to say things to me that she doesn’t truly mean, had left a comment on my Facebook page in which she described me as “Disciplined and prolific”. Her kind compliment about my character as a writer motivated me to plug my lapbook into my printer and print her compliment about my character and once it was printed I then took a hard look at myself in the metaphorical mirror and I saw that I was no longer the undisciplined flibbertigibbet that I used to be. Okay, to be kind, that isn’t entirely true. I would and could and did get things done if an authority figure (teacher or boss) gave me a deadline but if I didn’t have an external deadline there was little chance I would get any writing done. Thanks to regular blogging I have developed discipline and that is a miracle. If only I could translate that discipline to my fitness regime.
Character Changer Number Two: Prolific
As I said above, I was lazy and undisciplined and that led to an embarrassingly low volume of creative output. In the course of a year I felt like I has really achieved something if I had managed to write a few short stories and an essay or two. However, thanks to the blog I have written over 700 posts (not all of them published) and most of those are on the long-winded side (thank you patient readers), two book proposals, essays and a short and shockingly bad stab at a novel. I am in fact a prolific writer. I don’t know how it happened or when it happened other than I started the blog and I stuck with it.
Character Change Number Three: Brave and/ or courageous
Before I started blogging I was a scaredy cat. I let fear stop me from taking all manner of risks. And truth be told I still have a good amount of fear. That said, if I had to tell you the characteristic mirrored most from those who read my blog is that I am brave and/ or courageous to write about what I do on my blog. Whenever I get this compliment (and o do get it a lot) I am always baffled by it. I really don’t get what is so brave about what I write. When people tell me I am brave I often say internally, “or I am stupid” as I just don’t get what I am doing that is so brave or courageous. However I have gotten this compliment at least 100 times so it must be true. I am here by owning that I am brave and courageous. I also own that I have no idea why I am.
Characteristic Change Number Four: Trust
I have trust issues that go waaaaay back. I had a therapist many years ago that told me that my issues go back to Trust vs. Mistrust. I so mistrusted her analysis that I got up out of my chair mid-session and left and never came back. So, yeah, I had some trust issues. But somehow blogging and having such wonderful readers has helped me with this core issue. I trust you even though I may have never met you in 3-D. I have shared some things with you that I wouldn’t share with my own family and friends. In sharing the really hard stuff with you I have had some big healing. One of the most healing days in my life, I credit to the blog and to my LOVELY readers, and it was in response to my post Cassandra Complex. Reading your comments was more healing for me than all my time in Al-anon and work with many therapists. Truly, I will never forget that day and reading those comments—it was a life changing experience. I will never be the person I was before that post and for that I thank you all.
Because of my trust issues I generally viewed the world as hostile and dangerous. This is no longer true. Now I tend to view the world, or at least the bloggy world, or more specifically the bloggy world that I am a part of as a very supportive, loving and encouraging place. I have made some true and life long friends through this blog. I have made the kind of friends that if I was ever in crisis, and Igor had left the country, I could turn to. I know if God forbid something happened to He-weasel or Lily that I could come to the blog and tell you what happened and I would get real, immediate and meaningful support. I know I could count on getting phone calls from bloggy friends around the world and that there are some of you I could even count on you to show up with a casserole and comfort even in the darkest and scariest nights of the soul and that is really saying something. You, my friends, have changed my belief that I am alone in the world—save my little circle of support—and for that I am eternally grateful. Just yesterday I got a handful of calls to check and see how yesterday went with Igor. Have I mentioned yet how much I love you all?
Well I do, even if this is your first time here. I love you for reading this far and giving a hoot what it is I might have to say. I have received so many unsolicited acts of kindness from my blogger friends that it truly helped change my sense of the world. Just today I was named the Blogger of Note (BON) over at Words of Wisdom thanks my dear bloggy friend Privilege who nominated me for this honour. Thank you, Privilege! Thanks, Words of Wisdom! And thanks to all of you who are here from Words of Wisdom. If this is the first time, for your benefit and , perhaps, reading pleasure, I am linking to three of my favorite( and perhaps life changing) posts as is part of the protocol of being a “Blogger of Note”.
16 Things You Don’t Say To Someone Childless Not By Choice
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I would love to hear how blogging has changed your life. Come on, be brave and courageous and tell me your secrets. You can trust me and feel free to be prolific.
Writing a blog made me realize that I could do something else than diapering and burping babies. I wanted to go back to study but didn’t know where even to begin and blogging helped me get back on track in the discipline and perseverance that studying requires. I sat for 4 exams this year and I am preparing 4 more for a month from now and I don’t think I would have been able to if I hadn’t been writing a blog.
It has also helped me analyze and reflect on past experiences, it has helped me make new friends and it has fostered a creativity I didn’t even know that was inside of me….and it has not even been 1 year! I look forward to what the future has in store
Lots of hugs!
It is amazing how much writing and having our writing seen can help us see ourselves more clearly. Congrats on your exams. I am so thrilled for you! I, for one, am thrilled you blog as I got to meet you. I hope that someday soon I will get to meet you in person. Maybe in Florida!;-) Big hugs back to you!
I also hope I’ll meet you soon. I have no idea how or where but I’ll leave the details for the Universe to take care of
That sounds like a good plan!
It changes us all and I think there are very few who would go back to before!
Keep blogging, I’ll keep reading, occasionally commenting, always enjoying. xo
You keep blogging, too!!xo
I have been thinking about starting a blog but have been stalled since I don’t have a handle on what the focus would be.I want a vehicle for writing but what do I write about? I am afraid of revealing too much of my personal stuff (and consider you very brave.) And I know there are a lot of “failed” blogs in bloggerland. I don’t want to start something i won’t finish. Thank you for your post. It is encouraging and the part about discipline resonates.
Thanks, Kathleen! I think the best way is just to write about your life. When I tried to write about just one theme I couldn’t keep it up. I find that the more narrow the theme the higher the blogger burn out. And, you can always write anonymously.
Just found your very interesting blog through WORDS OF WISDOM! I began blogging a few weeks ago. I had only recently even found out what blogging was and decided to take a chance. I retired in 2005 after teaching primary school for 31 1/2 years and although happy with my decision to do so, it has been a very difficult adjustment for me. Blogging has helped to give me something new to focus on and to take up some of time (instead of sitting around feeling sorry for myself) plus given me an outlet for writing, which I’ve always liked to do (not that good at it but enjoy it!) Blogging has also helped me to realize that even though we live in hard times filled with violence, mistrust, etc., there are MANY wonderful people out there! None of my friends blog (don’t even read blogs other than mine) and they think I’m strange for doing so…but that’s OK cause I’ve always liked to be a little different:) My son (who also loves to write) even began his own blog after seeing me start mine. I hope that you eventually either come to love where you are…or find the courage, willpower, and resources to move to someplace that you will love! Congrats on being recognized on WOW!!!
Thanks so much for following me over here from WOW. Lovely to meet you. It is so wonderful that you have found a focus in blogging and an outlet for your creative spirit. Blogging really does make the world smaller. Aren’t bloggy friends wonderful?? Thanks so much for sharing a little about how blogging has changed your life.:-)
I don’t have a blog, but I do love yours! I’ve only been following you for about a year, so I still find older posts on a regular basis that I enjoy reading.
You certainly are prolific and courageous, and your writing is achingly beautiful. I feel I know you even though I’ve never met you. You are welcome in my home if you ever find yourself in South Africa!
Thanks so much, Qwerty! I so appreciate your sticking with me through out the last year and I love that you dip into my archives. Thank you!!! If I am ever in South Africa you can count on me stopping by.:-)
It has given me a more focus to the minutae of daily life…I am improving my vocabulary and photographic skills as well as reading more about other womens’ lives…their triumphs, joys, and challenges.
I love it!
Privilege was my inspiration, and instrumental in my becoming a blogger.
You are very honest and your posts give me much to ponder.
Hope that your weekend is a great one.
I really relate. It makes me so much more aware of details, as everything is a potential blog post.
Privilege is such a wonderful bloggy friend. I am so very touched that she nominated me.
Hope you have a lovely weekend.
We love you, too, beautiful. I can relate to many of your character changes as I’ve experienced them myself, through blogging. It’s an amazing experience, and I’m so grateful to be a part of it.
Aw, shucks! I can imagine you have had lots of life changes due to your blog. I would love it if you would do a post on this topic. I feel sure you have a lot to say.
YOU changed my life. Stumbling onto your blog was one of the greatest moments of my life. I felt an immediate connection – writer to writer. When I started my own blog it was to regain my identity I thought I had lost. What I ended up doing was creating an alter ego. Good or bad, she’s in me now and I love her like an evil twin. A few weeks ago you commented that you had dreamt about me. I dream about you often too. Your words are in my head and and I like it.
Oh, dear, Tessa. Your BEAUTIFUL comment has me very emotional. I am so touched that I in anyway had any impact on you reconnecting to this important part of yourself. It means a lot to me to know that I made a difference. I like having you in my head and I like being in yours.
Could not agree more. The women I’ve come to know and the impact we’ve had on each other is nothing less than transformational…
It is extraordinary. Before blogging I didn’t know anyone else who has suffered infertility treatment who didn’t go on to have a child. I was alone in this. No more.
What I hoped for when I started my blog was to free up my writing voice which had been rather paralyzed by the process of writing a doctoral dissertation. I wanted to become less self-conscious about the imaginary academic editor and I also wanted to acknowledge the “rest of my life”: the domestic, the frivolous, the fun, the shoes . . .
The blog has done that for me, but it’s also given me friends worldwide, some of whom I’ve met, some I haven’t. Although you’re in the latter camp, you are my good, brave, wise, disciplined, prolific, and Fun friend who loves Shoes and who, I still hope, will one day come sit on my west coast porch with me and drink tea and perhaps a martini or two.
And finally, I have to admit that blogging has shown me my addictive side, because despite my very busy life, there’s no way I can imagine giving it up — either the writing or the reading!
Virtual hugs to you, and congrats on your latest honour — well deserved!
Thanks so much, Mater! I look forward to that day on your porch with tea and martinis and you and us talking about writing and shoes and Nola and fun and frivolity and how we have been friends long before we ever met in person. Blogging is a wonderful world. Isn’t it? Virtual hugs back to you.
ack. had a typo in the blog address associated with my name. fixed here.
You know we understand the discipline and prolific side of things, but oh lordy, what a pain it can be! This makes your output amazing, in particular because of the quality of your writing; that doesn’t happen on a whim and a prayer.
We do like this one, it is so wonderful to hear you give yourself some credit where it is long overdue. (Besides, any post including the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ is a post with merit Miss LBR.) Hopefully you can step and hear us all say that we are grateful for the positive impact your words have had on us. They have.
Big smiles at you,
tp
It can be a pain to be disciplined and there are times when I wish I wasn’t so rigid about the bloggy rules I have created for myself. That said, for the most part it is totally worth all the work.
You are very kind to this weasel. Thank you and I some how knew that you too would love the word ‘flibbertigibbet’ as much as I do.
I am so delighted if my words have a positive impact. I really am. Thank you, lovely Princes.
I have always loved to write. I used to think that if I could live my life in writing things would be just about perfect. But I was very shy about letting others read my writing and the thought of publishing made me very anxious, though also was a great desire. Writing my blog, putting my thoughts out there with no idea who, if anyone would read them, made me feel less shy and as I began to get comments and emails gave me confidence that maybe, just maybe I could dare to try to publish.
The discipline is sporadic but the benefits are huge.
I am a happy reader here — keep writing!
Hi Cheryl! You bring up a quality that I forgot to include, confidence. Confidence in my writing has greatly improved. And I do have to say that for me that the more disciplined I have been the more I feel like my writing has improved and that has impacted my confidence. Keep writing!
Hi, it was great to read your blog on how blogging has changed your life as it has changed mine too. I would sign on to your character changers two to four for myself also (I was already disciplined!) Initially it was commenting on other people’s blogs that unlocked these characteristics, but now I’m writing my own. Blogging has reinvigorated my creative writing and my ability to sustain a thought process, and it has given me a huge shot of energy. I’ve discovered, and continue to discover, new things about my friends and myself through blogging, and I’ve also made new friends. In fact I’ve recently written two blogs about what blogging has done for me called ‘Unexpected guest’ and ‘Friendship and blogging’ which you can read on my website, http://thewellhousecircle.wordpress.com/
Blogging has most definitely impacted on my life in numerous ways.
I no longer think the grass is greener just a different shade of green,
It has probably saved my relationship with Emin as I think having a place to let of steam eventually led to the steam evaporating before much damage was done.
I have metaphorically met you and various other female kindred spirits. I never thought I would ever have any sort of relationship with the female species again but blogging has restored my faith in all that is positive and supportive about women.
Finally it has given me somewhere to put thoughts that used to drift around my daydreams like flotsam and jetsam thus galvanising me into doing something positive rather than letting myself drift.
I am glad you feel stronger from blogging; I never knew words could be so cathartic but you have proved that they are, so thank you.
I relate to your first point, blogging has definitely impacted my tendency to idealize and imagine that I am the only one suffering.
How extraordinary that you feel blogging has so positively impacted your relationship. That is amazing.
It really is lovely to have blogging friends who I really and truly relate to on many levels and that we have connected in this way.
I am so very happy we have found each other on this big WWW. Thanks so much, Alison!
Hi, really enjoyed this blog and it was very timely. Blogging has changed my life too, initially commenting on others’ blogs including yours, and now writing my own. I can sign on to changes two to four (I was already disciplined). I’m feeling much more creative and hugely energised through blogging. In fact, I’ve recently written two posts on what blogging means for me – ‘Unexpected guest’ and ‘Friendship on blogging’, which you can read on my wordpress blog, Well House Words.
Keep blogging!
Karin
Lovely to see you! I am so happy to hear you too have felt some of the unexpected benefits of blogging. You keep blogging too!
Blogging has legitimized what I do (write poems) to myself. It is easier to call myself a poet having a home for my work.
Like you, discipline has been so helpful and crucial for me.
It shows me I can count on my own creativity–it will always be there for me to tap into. It never drains fully (although it sometimes feels like it).
Yay! You are WAY of note.
You ARE a poet. And, for sure, you are one of my favorite poets. I am so glad you blog!
That was really interesting and very helpful. I blog because I have too much time on my hands/alone and it helps keep me sane.
Thanks, Tabitha! Sanity is something blogging has helped me hold onto during some very dark times.
Blogging has made me more social, for sure. I never “networked” before the blog. I’m not even sure I knew what networking was.
You are a networking Jedi Knight!
Congratulations Belette. Well deserved recognition. You inspire particularly because you break so many blogging conventions in staying true to what you want and need to say. I thank my lucky stars at least once every couple of weeks to have started blogging, out loud, usually. Who knew it would be like this. Not me. Thank you for being so prolific, and brave.
Thanks so much, LPC! I am extremely honoured to be nominated by you. Thank you for your warm encouragement and support. Your generosity is the kind that makes our corner of the blogging world so great. I am so happy to be a part of a circle of bloggers who believes in encouraging each other and that is totally devoid of cattiness and mean-girl-like shenanigans.
Big HUGS!
Trusting your lovely readers?
*twirls Victorian supervillain moustache*
Blogging has helped me avoid more work than ever before. Thank you, internets!
I’ve been thinking about blogging again with verve, but I do not have work to avoid at the moment.
Colleen: I hope you come back your blog. I am so happy to see you here. It takes me back to when we are all young-francophile bloggers.xo
Even with your Victorian supervillain moustache, I would trust you with the keys to my house. I trust you BIG, my friend.
Without a blog, I would never have met you! That alone makes it all worthwhile…
It certainly does for me.:-)
Hmmmm has blogging changed my life? YES! YES! YES! Mostly, because I met you. I am your biggest fan and so grateful for your friendship. To Kelly’s list I’d add inspiring. Because you my LBR, inspire me.
Thank you for opening yourself up to us…
xoxoxoxo
Thanks, my dear friend. I can’t imagine my life without you in it and it I hadn’t have blogged then you wouldn’t be. And, lovely you, thanks for adding inspiration to my list. I don’t see myself that way. I am glad you do. xoxoxo
I LOVE this post! Blogging has totally changed my life. It gave me a voice – but it also helped me to be able to define that voice. It helped me to reclaim my sense of creatitivty and artistry – both as a writer (my first love) and as a crafter. It has given me fantastic networks of like-minded friends and acquaintances. It provides ready feedback and advice. It allows me to provide feedback and advice. It gives me perspective. It makes the world a smaller place. It makes the world a bigger place. It is a great joy!
Whenever I think of how we met and what *true* friends we have become I think of my post about the 22 reasons i needed to go on Wellbutrin and how you( at the time a total stranger) showed up for me. I will NEVER forget it.
I am so glad that you blog and that because I blog I got to know you. Thank you!
I love the way you bring people together through your writing and connecting. As I wrote to you on facebook and said offline to my mostly offline friends, the talented and supportive bloggers I’ve met through you give me hope in the face of so much evidence all around us of destruction of culture that culture is rebuilding itself in a fascinating new way. I think of you as a cultural pioneer — a national treasure. I know you mainly want to succeed as a published writer and I know that one day you will. But right now this minute you inspire people all over the world to write and think and reflect. How cool is that?
It is VERY cool. Thank you for that VERY high praise. I am so pleased that you found me and all of the connections we have been able to share. Thank you!!!
Although I haven’t written in my blog in years, I think about doing so often. There was something in the act of writting and “publishing” each day that amplified daily life. For me, it was a sort of therapy. For my blog theme at the time, I (maybe naively so) thought that I could help someone with information.
Has it been years? OMG, it has? Where does time go? I so get you, it does amplify life. Blogging really makes you aware of what is going on in your life. It makes you stop and take notice, ‘what am I paying attention to?’, ‘what is it that is the narrative of my life?’. It is extraordinary that way. I feel sure you helped people with your blog. It was inspiring to me. That said, I never intended to help anyone with my blog. It always feel a bit of a surprise when I hear that it has helped anyone.
How has blogging changed my life???
Before I started my blog
*I had not written much of anything since college.
*I was still struggling with my childhood and a lot of anger with my parents.
*I never participated in anything online where I would have to actually write stuff and state my opinion for fear I would sound like an idiot or come off wrong or offend someone
*I was very isolated.
Now I feel like a writer (more or less, depending on the day), or at least I am writing, I am much more accepting of my parents and have forgiven them for a lot, I write comments (though I admit that I still feel like an idiot sometimes and still should spend time thinking about what I say, but at least I am trying), and I am much less isolated.
I love how supportive you are of your fellow bloggers, how you have created this community, and I am so glad that you started blogging.
Oh, Jennifer, your story of how blogging changed your life is a big one: gained identity as a writer; forgiveness of parents; community; increased confidence. Wow! Really, that is huge. And, as a reader of your writing, I can say with complete confidence that you are a WRITER!!
Thanks! I hope I give at least half as much support as I get from all of you. I am glad that I am blogging and I am so glad that you are too!
Blogging has definitely made me a better editor. And I actually have the beginnings of a social network in nyc I would never had without blogging, as I’m shy and awkward in social settings, and tend to be a hermit!
I am so glad you blog. The generosity you have shown me is partly what shifted my ideas about how the world is. I can never tell you fully how much your generosity means to me.
So glad you came out of your shell to be my bloggy friend!
this reminded me today that you were THE ONE to encourage me to start posting my videos. Every single time I make one I struggle for hours over whether or not I should be doing this, putting myself out there, my personal business, my hag face that I try to transform on a daily basis. I then think about you and the guts it takes to share such personal info and how I feel that you are one of the most courageous women I know and how much I respect you. Then I let go of the fear that tries to hold me back from a dream of sharing what I want to share with women my age who still want to look great. I don’t mean to sound cliche, but you really were/are my inspiration. that said, i also got an amazing friend to add to my life. that’s why blogging is the relationship highway of the future.
I <3 you. And I have to tell you that I absolutely know for certain that you are one of the most courageous women I have ever had the privilege to know. I am tickled all shades of MAC/Nars/and Bobbi Brown pink if in anyway inspired you to share your beauty, talent and creativity with the world. I TOTALLY believe in you and I know that someday soon I will be telling people that I knew you when. I am so very lucky to have such a wonderful friend! Really, blogging has changed my life and given me such fantastic friends. I am a lucky weasel!
Congratulations on your award!!
Blogging has changed my life because it lets me be me, unfiltered, uncensored (except for my actual identity, of course, for professional privacy reasons
). And I have made so many wonderful friends through reading other bloggers’ posts as well as their commetns on mine.
The world has truly expanded in the most generous, genial way.
Miss. C: Isn’t it nice to be able to share parts of yourself you might not share elsewhere? That is the *real* reason I started to blog. No one at my work life wanted to talk about shoes, sweaters, skin care or France and so I started blogging. The friendships that came from blogging were totally unexpected and a delightful surprise! Thank you!!
I have only been blogging for about six months, and am already seeing its therapeutic value and benefit to my writing.
You outline the positive effects very nicely.
I’m visiting you from Words of Wisdom. You were selected the Blogger of Note today. Congratulations.
Thanks, Myrna! Welcome. Happy you came over from WoW.:-) Consistent blogging may be even better for us than exercise( or so I try to make myself believe;-).
Thanks again! Hope you stop by again soon.
I totally agree, ma belle.
Writing a blog changes us, reading a blog like yours makes us think, laugh and cry and can change us.
We find new friends, who can be good friends even without meeting, we also find some haters and learn to deal with them.
The worst thing to me is the blog guilty… but I’m trying to learn how to deal with (I have no time for everything).
I’m proud we met, I love you through your writing and your blog.
Big big hug dearest!!!
xoxo
I never intended for my blog to change me( I didn’t think it could) and I certainly never thought it could create change for anyone else. The friends and community are such a wonderful part of blogging, maybe the most important part. And surviving the haters does make my feel stronger than I was when I started all of this.
I get blog guilt too. I hate when I can’t read everything I want to or comment like I’d like. And I feel terrible when I leave my blog untended for more than a day.
I am so happy to have you as a bloggy friend. I hope someday I can give you are real hug in person.xoxo
Blogging has enabled me to reach out and communicate via the clicking on my keyboard ~ thus the stress of “will the words in my head that I want to say come out of my mouth”"will be notice that I’m stalling trying to find a word(s)”.
Don’t get me wrong I have come to understand that “new” people in my life don’t really notice this .. its the people in my life prior to Oct. 28, 2006 ~ I can see in their eyes, expression that they are waiting for me to get the word(s)/thought out. And of course me .. I notice the difference…
But, the wonderful people I make met virually .. and overtime – through the clicking on the key board have come to be a huge part of my healing~ as like you ~ I read their comments, they have no reason to sugar coat , or compliment .. so I feel like Ok .. I can write again… and this encourages me to have purpose to remain consistent with my blog posting .. when I told that by “being strong and sharing” my experiences I am helping them and others… this makes me feel worth something.
This further encourages me to write my book …
As much as these people say I motivate and inspire them ~ I am inspired to continue living, because through their comments I have purpose … to keep going!!!
Looking forward to reading more in this series of posts .. thank you.. HHL
HHL: You ARE an inspiration. You ARE strong. And sharing your story makes a difference. You are inspiring. Keep writing!!!
Blogging is one of the great inventions of our time, not least because it can plug those gaps in our life that tend to pop open in middle age. I believe the reason that blogging is life changing for some is partly because they write very well and people love to read good writing. But, like all artistic pursuits, blogging is more a self-help exercise than a daily statement on life or society. A cry for help perhaps too, but a gentle one.
Long may it live and hats off to those who do it so well, comme la Bellette Rouge.
Mike C
I imagine we all start blogging with an unconscious need to connect. All of us, if pressed, had some expectations about what blogging would give us. I needed a place to talk about things that I didn’t have a place to talk about in my life. But truly, I never thought anyone would show up. I thought I was going to be talking to myself. So that there is anyone here reading this and sharing their experience—well, it all amazes me. Merci for your kind comment.
This post, and the Cassandra one, really hit home. I can so relate to your experience. It seems the more dysfunctional a family is, the crazier some of the members can be about preserving the illusions they need to believe in to live with themselves. Your mother doesn’t want to see herself as an alcoholic, so instead she sees you as a bad daughter.
I recently had probably the worst fight ever with my sister. It started out with me just stating, rather matter of factly that I was disappointed she wasn’t going to pay for a painting she promised a year ago to pay for. And now she wanted another one even after admitting she’d probably never pay for this one either. I told her that she was choosing to tell me that my art was not worth much. And to top it off I had to sleep on the floor of my own apartment and give up the use of my car for her benefit. And that maybe she could have planned this stay with me here a little better.
She replied by telling me everything – and I do mean everything – I’ve ever done was a total mistake, that I was a drain on the world, how I just wanted to take advantage of people but couldn’t take any criticism in return (total projection!) and so on and so forth and how she wished she’d said all this to me earlier because then maybe I could have given up on art way sooner.
I was exhausted at this point, weeks of stress and little sleep made me unable to respond the way I would have liked to, but I did manage to tell her that maybe she could go to our mother’s for a while because I needed a break from her.
She then had the nerve to say this was just her getting mad, that I should accept that family can talk to each other this way, and that she actually supported me.
I told her I don’t accept it, that this was not support and to please stop hurting me.
Strange how you can justify nearly anything, including saying things that are to vile to someone you, a few minutes later, claim to support. I call it emotional abuse plain and simple.
Needless to say we have not seen each other much since this argument. Part of me wants to heal the situation, part of me just wants to cut her out of my life. I love my nieces and nephews but I think she may have gone too far this time. I tell her I’m really hurting and she sticks a knife in my belly and twists – and tells me I deserve it. What kind of person does that?
Sorry to vent, kinda stuff I can’t really write about on my blog…
Emotional abuse is exactly what it is. Oh, dear Cheryl, I am so sorry. You are such a talented, creative and incredible person. Anyone who comes to your blog can see that. It sounds to me ( and what the heck do I know) that your sister is envious of your talent and your freedom to pursue her formidable talents. Envy can make people say some really ugly things. Whatever the cause, I am seriously sorry you had to endure that. And good for you in asking her to leave. No one need put up with that. You are in quite a dilemma, cutting her out of your life( as you would any toxic substance) makes a whole lot of sense but then that means you have to sacrifice your relationship with your nieces and nephews. I guess I am wondering of there is a way to protect yourself from her and still manage to stay connected enough to see your nieces and nephews. Take care of your sweet self. BIG HUGS!!xoxoxo
I agree, blogging does change our lives in so many ways. I just passed my 4th “blogaversary” and I can’t imagine what my life was like before. I too have found the blogosphere – and Facebook, which came later – incredibly supportive, especially during the earlier part of this year when my mom was dying and I was taking care of her. There are wonderful people I’ve “met” through blogging, even if not in person, and I never feel lonely as long as I can be on line and reach out to them. I have in-person friends too, don’t get me wrong, but since I stopped working in January I think I would have felt isolated if I hadn’t also had the cyber friends to turn to. So glad to have met everyone in Blogland!
Happy blogaversary. #4 is big one. Most people don’t make it that long. I am almost at my 3rd.
I am so sorry about the loss of your mom. I do know what you are talking about in terms of support during a crisis. I was lucky to have that during some very hard times and my bloggy friends helped me out by really being there. Sometimes the only reason I would bother getting up was to blog. Thank goodness for our bloggy friends!
I first found your blog via a link on Make Do Style and it was the 16 things . . . post that really struck a chord with me. I’m a really new blogger but I’ve found blogging to be a great outlet for putting down on ‘paper’ things that sometimes are easier to express this way than saying them outloud.
I must thank MakeDo for sending you my way. I am so glad you stayed! It is so true. I always say that I know how I feel or what I think only after I have written.
I love this post. It’s one of those that I wish I’d written. Your brave section resonates with me in particular. Like you, I’m surprised by the compliment and wonder the same thing – Is that code for being stupid or crazy?
Blogging has, without any doubt, changed my life. The list is long, but here are some highlights. Remember when I ran away from home and chronicled it on Unglued? Who did I talk to when things went totally crosswise? My mother, sister, father or brother? Nope. Blog friends. Who has lavished praise on my writing and encouraged me to sit down and finish my novel? Blog friends. Who has buoyed me while my family has slipped from the middle class to the not quite middle class because of my long-term unemployment? Again, my blog friends. And just yesterday, when I thought the electricity was going to be shut off and finally found the courage to ask for donations, who payed to keep the lights on? You guessed it, I’m sure.
When we hit some really rough times and MathMan was worried for my safety, he would only leave me alone if I promised to say online and keep my chat windows open, then he lined up people to periodically check in on me, I think.
This is the community for me. I don’t go to church or synagogue, I don’t join clubs. But here, I have my people. And I love them. And you, LBR. I’m glad to know you.
Here is the funny thing, I don’t feel brave at all. But, you, my friend, you are BRAVE. You really are. And no, you are not stupid. It is your honesty that I love. In your Unglued days I remember being in awe of your honesty. I love you for it. I know that your honesty is what is going to make you a very successful writer. I hope that some day you write about your Unglued days in a book.
We are both so lucky to have such a wonderful community. Like you, I have no church or temple or club—I have my bloggy friends. Even though we have never *met* you feel like a sister to me. I am endlessly astounded by all that we have in common. And I look forward to the day we met in the 3rd dimension.
Blogging has enabled me to develop and express the warm, positive, appreciative side of myself. I’ve spent years indulging the snarky, critical side. But when life changes brought me new joy, the blog enabled me to examine and celebrate it. I’m glad to discover your blog through WOW, congrats on your BON day.
Blogging has brought you some big changes. Joy, warmth, and positivity! Love it. Definitely reasons to keep up the blogging. Thank so much for your comment. It is lovely to meet you. Thanks to WOW for bringing you here.
I have not known you very long, but I am loving it that I can come here and read what you have to say. And anyway, that name “La Belette Rouge” is just cool.
Since you’ve asked, here are some of the astonishing ways in which blogging (since March 2008) has changed me, and some are the same as yours.
There is not much fun in writing a poem and there it sits in a notebook, or sending it off to some journal and waiting 65 years to see whether some eye-shaded pedant with hair in his ears deigns to pay me 5 cents per word for it. After virtually not writing at all for YEARS, I now write nearly every day. By the end of each day, a have a collection of wonderful comments from some of the coolest people I could ever want to read what I’ve created. It makes me feel appreciated, and makes me want to write another one!
I have learned courage. (there’s that word again!) I used to wonder, if I really say how I feel, will people think I’m weird? But I took a chance, and found out that, if I am thinking/feeling something intensely enough to write about it, there are lots of other people out there who are thinking/feeling the same thing or something similar. Thoreau said that, through books, we may somewhere find the unutterable uttered. U would say that aplies to blogs, as well. And when someone says to me that I have written their mind or heart, I feel less alone. Feeling that I have a tribe is so important to me. I found one blogging.
I, too, have made friends I would pretty much do anything for. Whether I have met them “in 3-D” (love that), just written and spoken on the phone, or only written back and forth, I have formed invaluable connections through blogging, and I never dreamed that I would. There are bloggers I LOVE. People who don’t blog don’t get that. It makes no difference. It’s real and I love it.
I get to read and see the thoughts and creations of a whole world of simply astoundingly interesting and talented people who I would almost certainly never have heard of without blogging. I love to hear people talk about their lives, and I love to see what people have created and want to show.
When I began Word Garden, I thought it would just be an orderly place to display my poems. I never imagined that it would bring me all that it has, including friends I wouldn’t trade for anything.
This is such a neat post, woman. You rock.
xox
FB
Thank, Fire Blossom, for the love about my name. Not everyone appreciates it. But I am very attached to it. And, yes, a tribe. That is it exactly. It really feels wonderful to belong to something.
I definitely relate with that wonderful feeling of daring to share something that feels hard and/or scary and having my *tribe* members relate. It is a WONDERFUl feeling. There are so many blog friends that I love. So many people who live in my consciousness and heart who I have never met. And when I meet a new bloggy friend whose blog I love and who seem to get me—it is VERY exciting.
Thank you so much for your prolific;-) comment. I love hearing how blogging has impacted others. And, I am loving getting to know your poetry. I am a fan! xoxo
ooooo i hear you on the discipline thing!
and i guess…i guess blogging brought me to drawing. i had never done it before.
I am so glad that you blog as I cannot imagine my life without your images.
It’s changed my life too.
Brave – you are brave because you share, even though you are scared, and you now trust – and that is brave.
xx pbc
Because I blog I have a LOVELY friend who lives all the way in Australia. Thanks, lovely you, for seeing my bravery.
xo+pbc
I don’t blog much, but reading and commenting on blogs has turned me into a more positive and trusting, less cynical person.
I decided, a while back, that whenever I read something I liked on a blog, I would make a positive/encouraging comment (instead of just quietly thinking nice thoughts to myself.)
The responses I’ve gotten have made me realize how important it is to say something nice when you have something nice to say! And how important and joyful it is to support each other, both online and in real life.
It is so neat to hear how commenting has changed your life. That never occurred to me that it would. But now that you say it, it makes sense—especially when employing your philosophy. It does mean a lot to hear responses to a post. Seriously, that one post “The Cassandra Complex” it was the comments that healed that complex in me.
Thanks so much, Ms. M. You have expanded this idea into how commenting can change your life.:-)
LBR-it is great to see you and to read you! I’d see your posts pop in my mail last week but I was so over my head that I could not read, and this morning (even before reading this post) it occurred to me that I missed this a lot more than looking through news. Blogs come in all varieties, some very informative (like yours) and others not so (like mine) but like you I have enjoyed reading and learning about people, getting to know them, and creating something.
Kitties can tell you many secrets but not tonight. I wanted to make sure I stopped by today, and the day was still a bit short.
I hope you have a lovely weekend…see you next week!
xoxo
Hey, lovely!I have missed you. Okay, seriously, we MUST make a plan to meet. And this time I would love to meet your furry boys. Hope you and the boys are having a lovely weekend!xoxo
I just read your Cassandra post for the first time, Belette. Did not know that background and now admire all the more your recent road trip with your mother. I understand so much more now. I was a similar 7 year old girl, quite. By the time I was 14 my mother and stepfather had quit drinking some years before and things were relatively normal for nearly a decade, but that all changed two years later. And they made up for lost time! In the meantime, my birth father was drinking himself to the slow death that he finally accomplished. Additionally, I was in my budding alcoholic state in my late teen years, and as you know I now have nearly 25 years of sobriety. My mother quit drinking the day after I checked myself into detox. By that time the stepfather was long gone from our family and his own mind (Alzheimers). And my birth father would finally drink himself to death three years after I got sober.
How has blogging changed my life? Two-and-a-half years ago I lived my life as if all that past, the hell and the triumphs, had never happened.
Then I wrote my profile for my blog . . .
Sadly we both share that kind of history. Growing up in a home with substance abuse is HARD. And as an only child in that kind of environment it messed with my ability to reality test and that left me with a serious Cassandra Complex. I am so sorry about all of the addiction in your family. You must be so proud of you and your mother’s accomplishment.
I am so happy that blogging has allowed you to own your hell and your triumphs. Hooray for you!!!
Great Post Belette! I would not be me without the profound effects of blogging either.
Thanks, Corine! Blogging is extraordinary, isn’t it?
Blogging has changed my life because it has helped me find my way to being me. Of course I’m still on that path, and not nearly as focused as you. I could never go back though.
Thank you for such a wonderful post.
No matter how frequently you do it, anything that allows you to more fully be yourself is something that is worth doing. Keep it up!
I was very apprehensive about blogging when I began three years ago mostly because the only writing I’d ever done was in letters – and by far the most of those to my mother. Our intense relationship always seemed to work best for me when I was at least a thousand miles away. So from the beginning I approached blogging in a way that would be entertaining and yet not give too much away about my core feelings. Strangely enough, the very act of writing regularly and posting my artwork was liberating to a degree that surprised me. People liked the drawings I did as exercises and complimented me for paintings I couldn’t describe that had mostly moved to my portfolio the minute they were completed.
It was a revelation and in the years since I’ve become a lot more open to meeting and interacting with a community of wonderfully creative and sensitive people through this medium. I began to write stories and draw pictures about events I’d witnessed and those that had changed me through the years. There are still many I’ve left out but I have far more confidence now that any I tell in future will be welcomed and understood by friends I’ve grown to love. My inner Crow has been set free.
It is a bit of an understatement to say that :people like your drawings”. People LOVE your work. I LOVE your work. And you are a wonderful story teller. I am so happy you got past your fear and shared your art work, your stories and your inner crow. Fly, my friend!
I love blogging and yes it has changed my life, I feel for the better. Not only writing my own and listening to what people have to say, about the subjects I talk about, but also reading the stories of others. I love to look at the way other people live and I adore fashion too, real fashion for real women.
The main reason is though above all others, is the people I have met. I would never have had the opportunity to know in the real world xx
I love reading about your life and your remodeling and what you want and the poetry your write. Because of the blog I know have a glamorous and beautiful and talented friend in Wales.xo
Hi, Belette — I’m Jo and, unfortunately, I’m a day late and dollar short in congratulating you on being the ‘B.O.N.’.
I live in southern California (Riverside) and have the sheer gall to consider myself a writer, even in the most banal sense.
I’m loving your blog and wish I would have found you sooner.
However, you do have a new follower. Sorry ’bout that.
My heartfelt congratulations, once again.
Peace and serenity,
~Jo
-’The End Of The Rainbow: Life After Bankruptcy’
-’Rabbit Food: A Vegan Blog’
and most recently…
-’Stranger Than Diction’
Hi Jo! No worries!!!You are right on time. Thanks for coming over and for taking the time to comment. I am so glad you found me and delighted that you will be following me. Thank you!!!
Oops! Guess I should have stated how blogging has changed my life prior to hitting submit, so, let me apologize for the double post…
My answer will be a little different, I imagine, than most….
Blogging hasn’t changed my life as much as I thought — or hoped — it would.
::Guilty of high expectations::
However, what it HAS done is allow me to vent about my life during our bankruptcy proceedings at at time when a friend couldn’t be found and groceries were few.
Probably better explained here:
http://theendoftherainbowlifeafterbankruptcy.blogspot.com/2010/08/therapists-couch-my-history-with-women.html
I’m glad I stuck with it and even though there are posts I’m quite proud of that didn’t rate a single comment from my nearly 100 followers, I remain proud to have written them nonetheless.
I also began a blog about my veganism titled ‘Rabbit Food’ to write about my love of everything OTHER than meat and dairy (but hold ZERO judgment on those who do) as well as a new blog titled ‘Stranger Than Diction’ to showcase my fictional writing.
I have no regrets, comments or no comments: I’ve learned through blogging that while it would be nice for others to share in what I do, I’ve also learned that I write primarily for MYSELF, for the sheer cathartic release of what would otherwise be stifled creativity, closed up emotions and a lonely existence.
‘Miss Popular’ I’m not, but a few blog friends have now come my way and a venting tool made readily available.
And what in the bloody hell is wrong with that, eh?
Thanks for this opprotunity for us all to share why we do what we do — and thank you for sharing with us.
Peace and serenity,
~Jo
Maybe in time, with continued blogging, the expectations you had will be met. You never know! Even still, happy to hear that it has allowed you to vent and feel a part of a community. You are clearly a prolific writer. Don’t know how you manage three blogs! I can barely keep up with one.
So happy you took the time to share what blogging has given you! Thank you so much!!!:-)
As we’ve discussed, blogging gives me back control of the narrative of my life, when circumstances that I couldn’t control — but tried so hard to — intervened. It also helps me see what I think. In my blog, it’s harder to hide, or divert my attention. It hasn’t exactly changed my life, but it’s a tool for moving my life in a good and new direction — and your blog is one of the reasons that my blog seemed like a good idea to me in the first place.
One of the main reasons that I write is to know how I feel and how I think. If I don’t write I start to feel a distance from myself. Writing brings me back to myself. And lucky for me, my writing my blog connects me with WONDERFUL people. I feel much less alone in my infertility grief thanks to you, Stephanie, Pamela and the Baroness. I am grateful to you all.
We share at least a couple of ways in which blogging has changed us, notably, “discipline” and “prolific”. Additionally, I would say blogging has helped change my attitude in the sense that when something doesn’t go according to plan, I often think, “Well, at least I can blog about this.” In fact, I wrote a post about that very thing:
http://teawithdee.blogspot.com/2008/07/blogging-as-attitude-adjustment.html
I totally relate. Anytime anything goes wrong I think, “oh, I can blog about that!”. Pain. shame and disappointment become meaningful and inspirational.
Thanks for sharing that link. I LOVE that post!
I second everyone who said your blog is inspirational–it’s definitely true for me as well. I really appreciate all that you share and the fact that you do it with wit and a fine turn of phrase.
Seriously, sometimes I get overwhelmed by all of your kindness. I truly didn’t intend for this post to illicit so many extremely generous comments. Thank you so much, Zen. I didn’t mean to inspire. But I am glad I do.:-)
For sure…I will email from work.
Hooray!
and i love you too…not tonight for stories but just to say i care…this was precious, i hope you share it with your he-weasel.
xox
Thanks, sweet Linda. He-weasel read it. I know he appreciates all that blogging gives me and all the wonderful blogging friends it has given me.xoxo
I discovered the Internet way before there were blogs. I found a forum for women going through divorce and I have to say it really helped me heal and get out of my depression. Something about communicating with others going through the same thing you are is comforting. I started a website-still before blogs-when I moved to France to share my life with family and friends-then made it into a blog and it has just become a way of life. I love reading about decorating and cooking, having a look into the lives of people all over the world. I’ve made some good internet friends that I’ve never met in person, and loved meeting some face to face. What did I do before blogging? It’s become such and important part of my world. Who would look at my photos or listen to my stories without it?-not many that’s for sure.
Linda, I hear you! What did we do before blogs/internet/message boards?? The world feels so much smaller and it is so lovely that we can connect with others who share our interest in a given topic. Love it!!
Hello there,
I haven’t been reading or writing very much recently, so this great post was a timely reminder. Not only of the importance of actually taking words out of my brain and putting them down, but also of the very real human interaction that can happen as a result. Thank you.
Happy to remind you! And I am always happy to read what you write and feel the connection that comes through our writing and reading each other.
I really enjoyed this post! And thanks so much for your kind comments on Laura Munson’s blog re my SunnyRoomStudio: a creative, sunny space for kindred spirits! Hope you stop by, new post just published, and I have a hunch you’ll enjoy it!
Lovely to see you here. Thanks for the reminder. It was very lovely to visit your blog!!:-)
Allowing ourselves to really hear and take onboard input from outside can be so difficult when our internal tapes’ cacophony is so loud!
It can be very hard to get past those tapes. However, sometimes it can be easy. For me it only took three years of blogging to take on these traits.
Blogging… It does confront me with myself and that sometimes isn’t easy, but hey… Who said things should be easy?
I am thankful that you blog, and so pleased to count you amongst the people I love…
XXX
I love the you that I see on the blog and it is clearly the REAL you.
And, lovely you, I <3 you too!xoxo
This is my first time on your blog and I’m really enjoying it!!
I’m new to blogging and only have about 25 posts under my belt.
Blogging has made me realize how many topics I love writing about and photographing. My life is not boring after all. Yay!!
Best,
gabriele
Thanks so much, Gabriele! It is a delight to meet you. I look forward to visiting your blog. And I hope to see you back here soon. The longer you blog the more benefits you see. And it sounds like you have already learned that you are more fascinating than you thought!!:-)
I’ve been blogging now (nearly daily) for close to 2 years. I’ve read & visited thousands of blogs, and have fallen in love again and again, with all manner of people, from all over the world, people who share their hearts and minds and closets, their therapy sessions (you!
and even the contents of their stomachs.
I have gained an infinite world through blogging, I don’t know where to start, so consider this the tip of a Very Large Iceberg.
PS: I love your heart, the way it ticks, and so many other things, including your generous reciprocity, it is divine.
xoxoxoxo,
Terresa
Only 2 years???I would have guessed you had been blogging long before me. You are so very good at it. Gaining an infinite world is a BIG blogging benefit. I got that one too and I love it.
PS: Thank you! I feel the same way about you. So glad we found each other.
xoxo
How has blogging changed my life? Honestly I don’t think it has, unless maybe it’s distracted me from doing more creative or professional writing, so in that aspect it may be considered negative. An uncle who thinks I’m smart and talented once told me I should write something “important” instead of blogging as I do — my blog really is just a letter to friends and some excerpts from my private journal. It’s peeks at my life; like you, I don’t seem to write about the “big themes.” I prefer to read blogs where people write about their own lives, right down to small details like what their favourite lunch might be and whether they had it today. So — well, that’s what I have to write about in my blog, mostly. Maybe I’m just not an essayist. I don’t think blogging has changed me because it’s a continuation of a habit I’ve had since childhood, but putting stuff on my blog does make me feel “heard” and it has brought internet friends to me — you are so right about all the great people out there. I’ve virtually never had nasty feedback, only positive responses. Been blogging for about 10 years, maybe more. Used to tell a lot more, till a newspaper columnist discovered my blog and wrote an article about it. Once I was “outed” I had to censor myself more than I had been doing (I live on a farm in rural Saskatchewan, where everyone knows everyone). I miss being able to just let it all hang out there, baby, like I used to do. Oh well. Could always do that anonymously, as you say. But I’d feel much more proud of myself if I had the courage to say what’s what without caring who knows. Which would be too embarrassing to my hubby and children, apparently, not to mention the hurt feelings it just might cause among family and friends. I’m as busy as the next woman and it would be nice to channel all the writing into one blog, not one for public and one for private/anonymous.
Anyway that’s more than enough about me. I found you through the WOW page so have much more discovering (of you) to do. It sounds like you are sharing a lot of your heart and soul, so I will enjoy poking around your site.
Okay! So FINALLY I read this blog post and some comments! YEA!!
Where to start? I have learned so much from you and your blog and your experience writing it and from you and your life and your making us all feel human because you can say the things we can not sometimes dare to say but you say it for all of us…
You are most always right, so I know that it is really time for me to start blogging and thank you because this post and everyone’s comments are more than encouraging.
ALSO, I await the next list of your Character Changes when your book is published!