I have stuff going on and it is stuff that I can’t talk about it here and because the issue that I can’t talk about is primary in my life I am finding that there is nothing else I want to talk about. I hate that. I hate having a big pink elephant in the room that is stepping on my laptop as I write and even as this stupid pachyderm presses down on the keyboard with the full force of his weight I am stopped by an even stronger internal imperative that says, “YOU MUST NOT WRITE ABOUT THAT”. Oh, and just in case you thought I told you everything, I will admit that I don’t. I have a policy of not talking about He-weasel’s work, his family, and his therapy. I just don’t do it. It isn’t that he ever asked me not to. I just decided not to. Hmmm….I guess He-weasel and I should talk about that. Maybe I am missing an untapped source of material. Nah, I am not going to do that. His work and his family life is his and it is not for me to talk about on the blog even though the players in the drama of his life often beg via their bad behavior for a starring role in a blog post or two or twenty or two-hundred.
What I can tell you is that something happened that triggered all my feelings of disappointment and infertility and hopelessness and how nothing ever works out for me and how I am cursed. A black pit of depression has swallowed me and because of that I don’t want to see Igor this week( I am aware that makes no sense, that will be a theme of this post). Actually, the truth is, I don’t want to see Igor anymore—period. That’s right, you heard me, I don’t want to see Igor. I want to quit therapy. I want to thank him for all that he has done for me but I want to tell him that the things I am really upset about cannot be changed by him. But Igor won’t let me quit. When I see him I am going to tell him that I want to quit and how it is nothing personal and he will find a way to make funny my desire to quit and he will make me laugh and he will get me to see how this is a pattern I have. I am going to do my best to tell him that I he is right and how I want to quit anyway. I fear that I will not be successful in my strategy to say goodbye to him.
A wise friend of mine told me that she tries to just feel feelings and not make decisions based on those feelings. I suck at that. Really, I am suck-sucktastic-suckasorous. I don’t think I can do it. My whole m.o. is to make meaning out of everything and I can’t seem just to ride the wave of despair that I am on, even though I know that is the better way to go. I know intellectually that feelings aren’t facts and yet this feels like a fact and the fact is that I feel bad.
What I can tell you that my magical thinking belief (which I get is problematic) is that the reason this depression came and its antecedent is that I dared to be happy. You see, on some level I believe in a god (even though I am agnostic) who wants me to be unhappy. So by daring to say that I was happy on Monday in my post I have angered this imaginary god and so he has smited me. I wish I could be more specific. But I guess that the details don’t really matter. What matters to me is that I feel bad.
So back to talking about what I can’t talk about, I am still waiting to hear from Igor. He hasn’t called back yet. And I can tell you that leaving him a message when I am crying is not a lot of fun. I have mentioned before that he has an old-timey answering service and some guy with a thick Indian accent answered the phone, “Dr, Igor’s exchange”. ”Hi, this is his Thursday at 12:00 and I need to have him call me back immediately.” However, I had to tell him my name and spell it out and he took forever to get it down and I was crying and I wanted to say “just fucking hurry up. He’ll know who I am. He has my number” but I didn’t. I tried to hide my tears as I spelled my name and gave him my number that I feel sure Igor has in his Blackberry. “Are you a student or a client?” I thought the tears would give away my status but I suppose I could be a student who just got a bad grade. “Client” and then he paused, he paused a pause that was nine-months pregnant and he finally asked me “and your message…”. “The message is, “call me’” and with that I hung up. I have never hung up on anyone other than my mother or husband before and I have to say that it felt kind of good. I am not going to do it again, except in extreme circumstances like today.
The phone’s ringing, hold on……
That was Igor. I told him what I can’t tell you and he told me to come in tomorrow at noon. I agreed. So tomorrow instead of doing what I planned on doing I am going to spend Wednesday with Igor and then I will go back on Thursday.
And just to make it perfectly clear how bad I am feeling: I have not opened a box I recieved from J Crew. It is there on the counter and there is cashmere in there and there is a shirt and I don’t even care. And I will not be watching Dancing with the Stars tonight and I will not be reading a book. I will be writing in my journal and it will be a hot spew of molton mess that I would never dare to publish here. I will not be getting any more activity points( in non-Weight Watcher language that means I will not be exercising any more tonight. Lily and He-weasel are going to have to walk with out me). However I will not let the black dog of depression lie to me and tell me that I will feel better if I have He-weasel pick up some Fettucino Alfredo at Sisley’s. I’ll stick with the low cal and figure friendly crying, moping and sitting in a sad-sack pool of suffering and self-pity.
I’ll let you know how it goes with Igor tomorrow. I might post on Thursday if I can manage to tell you things even as I can’t tell you things.
I used to think like you, that talking about happiness cursed it. So I had plenty of charms and good luck rituals that trapped me completely because I would freak out -literally- if I forgot to follow just one, thinking I was doomed just because of that lapse. I spent all my university studies like that, to the point that I had a list written down of rituals I had to follow- in order!- for me to succeed at exams.
By the end of University I was exhausted, so I decided to quit doing it. I felt panic, but stopped all together nonetheless. Then something did go wrong but the thought of going back to the prison of lucky rituals was unbearable, so I said out loud, to whatever force is out there-call it God, Universe or whatever it is: “Well, you know what? I am going to be happy ANYWAY, whatever you send my way, because I DECIDE TO BE HAPPY. So bring it on because I can deal with that, and I will be happy whatever happens”. I was angry, really angry, at myself for having believed that my luck depended on something exterior and at the universe for not sending me what I longed for. But that anger helped me change things.
Cry if you must, but know that we are lots of people wishing you well and that all of us are sending you tons and tons of positive energy to, hopefully, help you be happy. Try to focus on that energy, try to feel it and let go of the rest. Happiness will come.
Lots of bear hugs!
I love your philosophy and how you quit the rituals. It reminds me of a nightmare that I had for years where this guy was forever chasing me and trying to kill me. One night I said, “fine, I give up. Go ahead and kill me.” That was the last night I had that dream. There is a power to giving up. It was incredibly liberating.
Thank you for your story, your positive thoughts and your bear hugs.
I think if I had tried to quit them any other way I would have gone back to where I was very fast. Somehow I always need to do that: “cortar de raiz”as we say in spanish.
I am so happy that you are feeling well and yourself and home again!
Cutting them off definitively is the best way and yet not always easy to do. Thanks, dear friend. I am too. xo
Oh, Sad Red Weasel. What has happened here? I know, I know, you can’t quite say. Any time anything cashmere sits unopened, the Black Dog (I call it the Dark Bird…we are sisters in terminology) has trotted in on the white carpet with its great muddy feet and lifted its leg in that place where no large flower pot can be placed. Too late for Resolve. And I’m not being flippant about the cashmere; in all sincerity, I, and pretty clearly you too, would normally be ripping at the package with tooth and claw, making agreeably savage sounds of about-to-be satisfaction. But you’re not. You’re crying. And that distresses me.
Too add to all this, you’ve had to speak slowly and spell things for Veejay of Mumbai. “That’s L-A-B-E-L-E-T-T-E…no, “E” as in “elephant”…all right, Veejay, listen carefully. This is Kali, K-A-L-I, Goddess of Death and the Underworld. Unless you want your tack-a-rama roadside soda stand to fall on hard times…” Okay, I admit it. I am trying to make you laugh.
I am thinking the pendulum is at fault here. The Poe-like pendulum that sometimes rules my own life. You were happy and seriously kicking ass in making bold and gorgeous decisions. If it were me, this is when my Inner Mother would start whispering tender encouragement to me. Soemthing along the lines of “Remember that you aren’t very capable or deserving, and that anything you conceive will almost certainly result in your dying alone and friendless in a refrigerator carton under a freeway overpass, wearing three cardigans from Value World.” Thanks, Mom. Then, of course, thus buoyed, I become an inert lump of sadness, shoveling down the lasagna.
Remember your comment to me? It meant a great deal to me. It hit a chord, got through to my heart. You are someone who has all sorts of business looking in the mirror and going “Oh FUCK yeah,” and wearing the boots to match. Instead you are crying, because Veejay, or that ridiculous imposter god of yours, or K Mart operatives have been whispering poison in your ears, that you do not deserve and cannot maintain the happiness you touched in Chicago. Nonsense. You so do and can. Ask Lily, she’ll tell you.
Anyway, you have me for a friend. I promise, right here before all that is holy, never to make you spell anything.
Much love,
FB
It worked, when i read your comment in my bed yesterday morning I laughed so loud that I woke Lily up. She forgives you as she knows the healing value of a good laugh and an incredibly thoughtful and generous comment. OMG! I so prefer the dark bird to the black dog. Can I steal that? I will of course give you credit. Thanks for understanding that Kali doesn’t like to spell her name. And, thanks, lovely you for promising to never to make me spell anything—that is a R-E-L-I-E-F. Much love back to you!!!!!!!
“Just feel feelings and not make decisions based on those feelings” — excellent advice. I have to remember that. I’m sorry you are having a tough time. I know Igor will help you through it. And I’m always here for you! You know where to find me.
Thanks, I really appreciate that!:-)
Oh dear! Once upon a time I had a SIL who was so confident in everything she did and never had a worrying or destructive thought in her life. I envied her, at times, I hated her, until I realised that her IQ was soooo low that she didn’t have the intelligence or the imagination to have insecurities, worries or black thoughts! I don’t envy her…I don’t hate her anymore I feel sorry for her that she can not ever experience the enormous highs and the wonderful dreams that go along with their opposites!
Since I retired and no longer use my mind as creatively it does tend to come up with some pretty destructive thoughts but I am learning to cope with them with the help of meditation.
I have no idea what your thing you can’t talk about is, I don’t want to know. I would like you, to know that there are a lot of us out here who can feel your pain, who have experienced your pain and who understand your pain. We are all here to listen whenever you need to talk. We do not judge, we do not turn away we are JUST HERE for you.
Take care xx
Not sure you meant to but you made me laugh. I guess that is where the phrase, “no brain, no headache” came from. No reason to envy someone who can’t have big dreams and then big disappointments. She should envy you.
Thank you for being here. Thank you for not judging. I feel the sincerity of your words and they mean so much to me. Thank you!
xo
Oh Belette, So sorry that this demon has grabbed you again. But you are stronger than you have been in the past and you will shake this, I know it. The only way it seems that I can do this is with vitamin P. I am sorry that your lovely respite and time in Chicago was followed by this. But maybe there is redemption in this and on the other side something better will emerge. That has been the case for you. Now tell me what is in the JCrew box in cashmere. I am coveting something in Agate Heather, Bronzed Olive, and Matisse Blue, but I can’t decide which pieces. Maybe you can help? It’s going to be ok.
You were right. I am. And I did shake it. I think you are right about something better emerging. I think it already had.
Ooh, a cashmere conundrum. Send me links and I will happily give you my two cents.
Thanks, dear Julianne.
I know I’m unmasking myself as a broken record, but the offer of torches and pitchforks still stands. Just say the word.
I appreciate you being at the ready. I’ll let you know.;-)
Oh no dear Belette! I am sorry this plague has fallen upon you. As a person who has plumbed many an emotional depth and high, who tends to exist primarily in an emotional state, and who cannot necessarily predict where that roller coaster is going to take me, I know how hard it is just to feel the emotions and not act from within it, be within in it and see the world only through the eyes of meaning and emotion. But I know you will get through this because you are a strong, strong woman. You are a warm and generous soul and this soul will pull you through. She will not be lost in despair. In the meantime I hope the ride is not to rocky and is short.
Many hugs, and then some more.
I too am very curious about cashmere. Did you see the backs of my ears quiver when I read that word?
I am so lucky to have a wonderful friend like you. Thank you so much for your belief in me and in my soul. You were right. And happily the descent was short.
LOL! Yes, I saw that cahmere quiver!
Oh my heart hurts for you. I wish that whatever is giving you this feeling will work itself out, or that you are able to confront it and realize that no problem has the right to define your life. Hope all goes well with Igor.
Thanks, Kalee. You are so right that no problem has the right to define us. I won’t let it. Thank you!
Talking about happiness curses it… Talking about love curses it… Let’s just declare today as Null and Void, shall we? (Before it comes to haunt us…
Sending tons of warm hugs your way…
XXX
Yes. Tuesday needs to go into the abyss.
I hope your Thursday is kinder. Big hugs back to you!xoxo
Can we blame the full moon?
It’s worth a shot!
I’m quite a few posts behind in terms of commenting (I think I will take advantage of your current distress to pour molasses on your keyboard) but wishing you well.
For certain people it does seem like for every happy event the universe has an equal and opposite unhappy one. And for some the ratio is more like 1:1000.
And that’s just how it is, so one has to try to stockpile resilience when happiness flickers and know the happiness is deserved.
But it does suck, so I’m sorry. Hope you’re able to find the energy to cope with the latest smackdown.
The molasses was the quick drying variety. I am back with a new post today. Sorry to be so prolific.;-)
I think my ratio of happy to unhappy is moving into much sunnier numbers. No one is surprised as me by that shift.
Sending you tons of love and support.
I got it!
Yeah well, if I lived closer I’d be sitting beside you wearing your new cashmere sweater and Kate Spade shoes, pouring you a glass of champagne! When one’s up the other’s down , it’s always the way.
I despise my in laws – oh there I said it,I’m married but in many ways, feel just as single/alone as I was before. There’s no need for you to discuss your entire life here.Ohh bet it’s something good though!
I am back up today. I hope that doesn’t mean you are down. And I like your vision of cashmere, champagne and shoes.
And, yeah, it was post worthy if I didn’t have rules about such things. And oh the posts I could have if I didn’t have rules about He-weasel’s life.
Oh and “magical thinking belief” I had never really heard of that until I laid it at hubs feet this January – he dynamited our life through nonsense like that. I thought only girls did that!
It is a belief that I look forward to curing myself of. It does me no good.
Well, let me get these three things out before I forget…1) great idea not to open the JCrew, I don’t think you should ruin the fun with a depressed mood. 2) I loved it that you hung up on the dude…don’t even feel bad about it, people need to be sharper sometimes 3) that God that smites you, smites me too…I think it comes from subconscious messages, the fact is that neither good nor bad last for ever…in general, that is, unless we want to rehash it over and over…ever since my father died when I was very young I have gotten in the habit of always expecting something crushing…even until now!!! My point being, this sort of stuff is called acquired knowledge, things we acquired that are probably not entirely useful, maybe not entirely useless, one must remember somethings….ok I rambled on too long…don’t remain depressed, do your hair, do a nice walk, go to a cafe…depression does change your body chemistry for the worst, for more depression, so snap out after taking many breaths perhaps.
xoxo
I hope you have a productive meeting with Igor!
1)I think that this a.m. I will open the JCrew box. I am glad I waited.
2) LOL! I am too. He was way too slow. Pick up the speed, guy!;-)
3) Expecting the bad is a habit I have gotten into and one that I am trying to get over. And, yeah, it is no real*god*. It is a dark god that I have created to make sense of my misery.
4) I am up and hair is done and there will be lunch at a cafe tomorrow.
xoxo
One must suffer to know joy….
I have been in the dark and one thing that helped me was a book called Simple Abundance…by Sarah Ban Breathnach….lots of chocolate, a journal and time to just be.
I’m no professional….just a woman who has been in the dark feeling very alone.
I can send you a copy of this book if you like…(email me your address)
I wish you joy and light.
Hugs
You are such a sweetheart!!! I do have Sarah’s book. I will, at your suggestion, take a look at it again. I so appreciate your offer. You are such a generous friend. Big hugs and hopes of joy and light to you.xxoo
I am sorry. You bring happiness to me, I am sorry right now none is coming to you. Were I nearby I would come over with chicken and homegrown tomatoes and herbs, to support the healthy eating. From here, all I can say is that random is a far kinder god. It’s not your fault. It never has been. There is no meaning but that we create. We have to create it, it’s our nature, but sit still enough and sometimes the lack of meaning is OK. It’s mitigated by the immediate world. It’s not your fault and it never has been.
I wish you were close by. I would love to visit with you and I would happily accept your chicken, tomatoes and herbs. “Random is a far kinder god”. That is LOVELY. That is the kind of thing that should be on journals, coffee cups, and bookmarks. It is so true. If we all got what we deserved we might be worse off.;-) Really, that is beautiful. I am taking that thought as my own. The last line of your comment really got to me. That is something I continue to need to hear. Thank you, lovely you!
My lovely….we are so much alike. :-/
I know (and you do, too) that I could write words of encouragement…but in the end, both of us are still there laying in bed thinking “FML!”
We are. And it is nice to have a friend who gets us. Isn’t it?
I am happy to report that I am out of bed and doing MUCH better.I hope you are too!xo
If it helps, I’ve found that not wanting to go to therapy usually means I’m on the verge of a breakthrough. I’m sorry you’re having a bad time and you will be in my thoughts.
That is exactly what happened. It was a great session. Thanks for your warm thoughts.
I am glad LPC got here first and said would I would have wanted to say but not as well as she said it. HUGS LBR!
Hugs back to you.xo
This is one of those times when I really wish I could just reach through the screen and hold you close… the best I can do is let you know you are in my thoughts and in my prayers and in my heart.
tp
I felt the hug. Thank you, lovely friend!xo
Miss J is so sorry to hear you’re suffering, La B. She’ll spare you pithy words of cheer-up and just say you’re in her thoughts.
Thank you.:-)
I couldn’t read with any kind of concentration past the point where you said you know intellectually that feelings aren’t facts. Really??! A very wise counsellor came to speak at a Moms & Tots group I was fortunate enough to attend way back when my kids were small. She told us, in terms especially of parenting, but also vis-a-vis life in general, that feelings were, indeed, facts. I’ve chosen to live my life and raise my kids accordingly. The feelings exist; they are facts; we can work around them, decide what to do about them, but the feelings themselves are a factual, if sometimes ephemeral, phenomena. There are all kinds of predisposing reasons that we feel what we feel — but the feeling, itself, is a fact. That mind-body thing doesn’t work for me here. If you’re feeling really bad, you’re feeling bad! And that makes me feel bad as well. So I’m going to hope that Igor works his mojo on you and you start to move out of the slough of unhappiness you’re in right now. I want the fact of happiness to return to the Weasel! Hugs to you in the meantime!
When I say that feelings are facts what I am saying is that despair, hopelessness, fear and anxiety can lie to me. They can tell me that I should feel this way. They can say “you will always feel like this”. They can make irrational arguments that they are intractable. Fear says to me “You have something to fear” when I might not. Despair says to me ” this is hopeless.” Feelings are *real* but they are also transitory. Perhaps I should have said “fears aren’t fixed”. That more closely matches my sense of things. And, even though feelings feel *true* they can lie. There was big mojo. Things are MUCH better today. Thanks, for the hugs and for your feelings on feelings. Important differentiation, thank you!
well, if it gives you some sort of relief (at least a literary one), your story about what you can’t tell us was so intriguing, that I am now waiting for tomorrow and hoping that Igor convinced you to open up and tell us all about it!! (or please just make up something, we won’t know
It sucks to feel sad and depressed… been there, done that…but it is also some how, addictive… and like all addictions, is only over when we decide is over!
LOL! Yes, there is comfort in learning that I am building a suspenseful story. I hope you come back today and see what happened with Igor. And, you are so right, depression and hopelessness can be addictive.
Hang in there. It is a cliche but I also mean it – sometimes the best we can do is hang in until something improves or stabilizes. It will get better, though rarely as quickly as one wishes.
Happily this time it was quicker than I could have hoped. I am so grateful for this reprieve.
I love you.
I love you too.xo
I hear you, sister. *I get it.*
I’m sending you huge hugs and let’s make plans very soon, yes?
Also, I know it doesn’t feel like it right now, but you won’t always feel like this. Really.
XOXO
A.
Yes to plans!!! xoxo
Sorry its hard. Sorry the old woes crop back up to hurt and harm your sense of well being. Glad you have Igor and others who love you no matter how many points you earn or eat. Hang in there. And maybe a reframe is found in the buddhist practice of Tonglen – compassion for your own suffering by connecting with the suffering. Guru Google can tell you more if you are interested.
I am Googling Tonglen. Thank you for telling me about it. I have never heard about this and it is clearly a practice that I could benefit from. Thank you!
Sounds cliche, but life does have its ebbs and flows. And I am sure that being happy about a flow does not cause an ebb. So flow on with happiness, when you feel like it.
Cliches are repeated so frequently for a reason. And it is true. I am happy to have ebbed away from this less than delightful flow of feelings i found myself in.
Oh lovely, so sorry to hear that you’re suffering, I really am. I know all too well how it feels to dare to be happy (or hopeful, or better) and then get viciously, unfairly, and quickly flattened. I hope that things get straightened out soon. I’ve tried telling myself “the breath is permanent, the feeling is temporary” while taking deep breaths. It doesn’t exactly work, but it has a kind of mitigating effect. Keep writing, keep talking to Igor and anyone else. I’ll be thinking of your over my long holiday weekend.
I took your “the breath is permanent, the feeling is temporary” and put it in my journal. I need that thought. Thank you for it. I will hold onto it when the waters once again get choppy.
I saw it as a good sign that my first impulse upon feeling the despair was to write. When I am REALLY down I couldn’t write and I wouldn’t reach out. I am so glad I could do both.
Your feelings are so strong, Bel! I have faith that Igor is going to help you find perspective in this. And all of us are giving you love and good vibes…
Thanks, Pookie!;-)I felt the good vibes and love and hugs. I really did. Thank you. You just can’t know how much your genuine concern means!
Bugger…
It sucks but it will get better. This is not the “every cloud has a silver lining talk” but the “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger talk”…
I too echo the offer for metaphorical torches and pitchforks, or alternatively silver bullets and stakes as necessary!
Happy to know that there is another member of the torch and pitchfork brigade. And, yes, silver bullets and stakes are much appreciated—as is your comment. Thank you.:-)
Sorry you are feeling like this. I’m sure it genuinely sucks.
In the meantime, cuddle with all available members of the family and try this magical concoction, tried and true:
-blanket
-couch
-soft pet (Lily)
-brownie
-delicious coffee
-a DVD of a TV show that you love (Mad Men?)–I usually go with “My So-Called Life” when I need to call in the big guns.
What a great recipe for comfort. You know, I have never seen “My So Called Life”. I might need to Netflix it! Thanks, lovely you!xo
Cashmere is a powerful balm for the soul, but—in this case—not as powerful as much-needed validation of a certain kind.
(HUG)
Cashmere is not as good as friends.:-)
We’ve never met, but as a fellow Weight Watcher, I can simply advise you to stay away from the peanut butter. No. Peanut butter.
All good thoughts and wishes to you.
Point taken. Thanks for the advice. Hey,did you get the point pun?;-)
I’m sorry to see that yesterday wasn’t a good day. Whatever the trouble please know you’re loved by many, including me.
Thanks, dear friend. I appreciate it. I love you too.:-)