I feel this strange mix of feeling so much better than I did and yet a little embarrassed by how quickly I recovered. There is some company I heard about on the news that has a policy that if you are sick just one day that they won’t give you a sick day pay . It is their belief that you have to be sick at least two days to be really sick. I wasn’t aware until today that I held such a policy for myself. Usually when the black dog of depression find its way onto my lap I am stuck with it at least for a week or two. I can never recall feeling the kind of darkness I felt on Tuesday and having it gone by Wednesday. One takes a trip to the Underworld it is not usually for just an overnighter. It is much like going to Europe, if one is going to make that kind of big trip one usually stays for a while. However this time I made the big trip to hang out with Hades and I was back before I had even acclimated to the terrific time change and I wasn’t there long enough to partake in a single pomegranate.
There are reasons I recovered so quickly: Talking to lovely friends who totally got how I was feeling; taking action that made me feel like I am not a victim; comments on my blog that showed me I have lovely friends who care about me; easy access to Igor. However, I have had these things in the past and they didn’t allow me to recover so quickly. What is different? I guess that there isn’t an easy answer. The truth is that I have changed. In the nearly two years I have been working with Igor I have changed. Maybe you have noticed. People seem to. When I was in Chicago friends saw it. They said things like, “You seem so different—so grounded and so different” and they meant it in a good way and not in a “California has turned you into a different person and we don’t like this one.” Rather they seemed to think that I was different in a good way. And I know it is true. I can feel the difference and today, with how quickly the heartbreak, disappointment and despair was shrugged off, I can really feel the difference.
When I saw Igor yesterday I talked about the precedent to my pain. I unpacked it the reason the pain was so profound and the more I did the more I felt a sense of relief. And, dear friends, to illustrate my relief, I did not cry one tear in Igor’s office. I did laugh. I did find him to be effective and I didn’t for a second think about telling him that I was quitting. And by the time the session was over it was clear that I didn’t need another one today. Oh, and I did tell him about a dream I had had the night before. Now I will tell you:
In the dream I am at the psychoanalytic institute where I will be attending the Adult Psychoanalytic Psychotherapy Program. It is a big building. It was easily four stories tall, only it was only a one story building; it had a very high ceiling and felt new and spacious and all together lovely. The building somehow reminded me of what a modern building in Israel might look like. It was made entirely of sandstone brick, kind of one that was used to make the Getty. As I waited for the class to begin I realized that this wasn’t just an institute but also a university. It was too big to just be an institute. Next thing I knew, as is the way in dreams, someone was telling me it was time for my supervision appointment.
I went into a small and dark office and in that office was my old Jungian analyst with the bad teeth. I sat across from him and knew that I couldn’t say anything about how strange it was to see him for supervision. I just sat down( and my body was leaning far to the right in a very dramatic way) and I started reporting a case to him. As I did it I was aware of how nervous and unnatural I was sounding but I decided I needed to just stick with the case. I told him about my client and he gave me no feedback. Next thing I knew( see this happens all the time in dreams) our session was over and I was getting up to leave and he said, “okay, see you next week”).
Then I went out into a hall and there was a woman who was wearing extremely, almost costumey, Bohemian clothing and she was asking a group of people to name where the source of the dialogue that she was quoting. As soon as I heard it I knew the dialogue was from Babylon 5 or Battlestar Galictica or one of those bad science fiction shows that He-weasel watches. Instead of saying that I said, “Battlefield Earth”. As soon as I said it one of the people in the crowd corrected me and told me that it wasn’t Battlefield Earth. The Bohemian woman kept talking and led us away from the building through a grassy courtyard and into a small classroom. As soon as we got into classroom I realized that class had begun. I panicked as I had left my stuff in the big building and I had no paper and I was unprepared. I would have to go back to the big building and get my stuff and if I did I would be late and in trouble. And that is where the dream ended.
So as I have told you in the past, Igor is not so great with dreams. He is great in many areas but with dreams he is a suckasaurus. However with this dream he didn’t suck.
“You are in a beautiful place that feels spacious and expansive and it feels good to be there. You go into a dark place when you turn to someone you don’t have resonance with. And when you follow this Bohemian woman away from the building, who is talking silliness, that is when you experience yourself as ”unprepared and in trouble”. It is not the deepest or most detailed dream analysis I have ever heard but it worked. As soon as I heard his interpretation I felt better. It was true, I have been in a good space–an expansive space and through an interaction with someone that I don’t have resonance with I went into a dark place. The dream took me out of the room with my old Jungian with bad teeth and away from the Bohemian woman talking about nonsense and out of the underworld and the black dog of depression jumped off of my lap and ran off to wherever he lives when he is not with me. I left my Wednesday with Igor feeling that I was back in the light—back in the beautiful space I had been in before the darkness overtook me. I was back home.
So happy to hear that!\
Welcome back lovely Belette!
Thank you!:-)
Oh I came to look, just to see how you were doing, early in the morning. Glad you are better. You owe us no long struggle, no heroic battle against demons. Just so you know. I woke up from a dream that was similar inasmuch as meaning was available and happy about old sad things. We do get to be happy sometimes. I am glad to hear you have actually become more resilient because I do believe that change is possible.
Thank you. Thank you for understanding. I tend to idealize heroic battles. When things go easy I tend to feel guilty. I need to get over that.;-)
Yes, we do get to be happy. I wish I had learned resilience long ago. But better late than never.
So happy to hear that you only experienced an overnight journey. I have found that to be more the same with me .. and I’m not sure why … but am grateful that I don’t lay curled up in a ball for days.. weeks on end… Blessings..HHL
A day is so much better than a week! Thanks, HHL!
You know I am so happy for you. And I think that learning that you don’t have to stay in the bowels of despair for long is one of the greatest lessons. You deserve to be in the light and I am so happy to learn that you are finding your way back to it more easily.
One of the lessons of the dream, I think, is to stay clear of what doesn’t resonate as it brings me down. I used to think that if someone or something didn’t resonate and I couldn’t *get* their ideas that they were obviously smarter than me. My old analyst talked at such a high intellectual level that each week I would leave him feeling like a total idiot. And I paid for that. And I went for ten years! Ugh, maybe I was an idiot.;-) No more!
I’m so pleased I was able to give you a little laugh yesterday and I don’t know if it was meant either!!! Really glad you are on the up again.
I do like the sound of Igor..intelligent man! Take care xx
Yes you did. Dumb and happy or smart and suffering. I get that.And I have even envied those who are too dumb to be depressed.
Igor is a smarty-pants in the best sense. Thanks, Julienne!xo
What a difference a day can make…hope that you have more days like this one! I feel a lightness coming through your words too.
Hugs,
Leslie
Thank you, lovely you! I so appreciate your kind offer from yesterday. You are a dear. Big hugs.
I’m so glad you are feeling better! You know you inspire me!
You seriously helped me. Igor heard a whole lot about my trifecta friend yesterday.xo
I hate that you had a rough go this week, but I am thrilled to see you bouncing back. And I especially love that you are embracing that inner architect that makes expansive and light-filled places.
You know, your insights bring light into the lives of so many people– it’s good you are finding those bright spots for yourself and claiming your right to them. Those who don’t add to your life or notice how bright you are–well, they aren’t worth your energy. There is a wide circle of people who love all you are and all you do…
Love, Kirie
My “inner architect”! Love that. Yes! It was such a beautiful space. Really, it was inspiring. And the feeling was “there is more here than I thought.” It felt so very expansive, beautiful and LIGHT! Then the dark spots and tiny spaces and feelings of “not being prepared” and being wrong and in the dark and late were spots that I didn’t want to be in. I wanted back into the light.
Thank you for that lovely comment. I am so grateful for holding the light for me. You, my friend, are a bright spot in my life.
I am glad that you are feeling that much better and I could not agree more with you about “change”. I think when we feel hurt for a very long time our body gets physically tired of it and tries to snap out of it. That’s my theory for myself. I think it is funny about the 1-day sick leave. One day I told a boss that I was taking sick leave on Thursday when it was only Tuesday because I had the feeling a flu was coming. He thought I was trying to take a day off but i was sincerely expecting to feel bad that day! Anyhow, I know my approach does not work, even with myself anymore : )
I think that dream can be analyzed a number of ways and Igor has a good one. I sometimes dream the same thing in real, except not exaggerated…for example, I may walk into a tall building and see a bohemian out the door giving a tour..stuff like that.
Well,, I feel refreshed that you feel better! Talk soon…xoxo
I can see why a boss might get suspicious of an anticipated sick day even though I can understand how you could feel the flu coming on and knowing when it was REALLY going to hit.
I do think the dream has another layer of meaning—there is another layer of my feelings of *spaciousness* in psychoanalytic work vs. the small/somewhat oppressive/boho and alienated feelings about Jungian work. I was attracted to working with Igor and taking the training with him because of the spaciousness in the work. It is such a wonderful feeling and one I hope I create for my clients.
Happy that my state change brought about a feeling of refreshment. Lovely! Yes!xoxo
wonderful. Go Igor. I am so glad all is better today. What was that song ” What a Difference a Day Makes.” It is true.
It is.:-)
You had a dream that involved Battlefield Earth? Hell with Igor, might I suggest cutting back on the brown acid?
Yes, well, one of the down sides to my life with He-weasel is his affection for Science Fiction. That said, before you suggest I have been sniffing Elmer’s, I think that the phrase “Battlefield Earth” is me trying to bring the Boho’s science fiction discourse down to earth. That said, yes, I am embarrassed to even know the name of that film.;-)
I love the comments on your blog–I always read all of them after the post, and find that people are so enlightening.
So glad you are feeling lighter.
I always learn something over here. I had a burglary dream the other night, and I literally thought, How would La Belette Rouge interpret this one? And it helped!
I have the SMARTEST comments ever. I learn so much from them.
Yes, I am. And I am literally lighter, I have lost 5 lbs.;-)
LOL! I wonder how you interpreted the burglary dream. I have to ask, was it you who was burgled or were you a burglar?
I am so glad you are feeling better LBR. I know what you mean about really changing. I find I am also able to be happy about old sad things. Not because they aren’t still old sad things but because they are part of the story and I love the story.
The sadness always leads to something, doesn’t it? The story never stays in one spot. I have never read a memoir that says, ” And then nothing ever changed and it stayed like this forever.”
It’s good to see you back, Belette…
Me, I’m still wiping days off my calendar… And I now have a cold…
Warmest hugs… XXX
Oh noes! Poor you. Sending love, hugs, erasers, and chicken soup.xoxo
Bonjour, Red One! Ca va? I am delighted to hear that that scoundrel mutt has high-tailed it elsewhere. What an interesting dream! I am forever dreaming about being in college or school again, and sometimes I dream that I have not attended class in months and am totally unprepared. They say that dreaming of a classroom situation simply denotes a learning experience.
The building was reminiscent (sp?) of a museum, as well, and was modern and pleasant. Clearly a good place, a positive place where new discoveries might be made, and yet it was familiar, too, and so a reconnection might be involved as well, yes?
Bad teeth. Yuckkkkkk. Teeth are a power symbol, relating to strength. You went to a dark place and were off-balance (leaning to the right) and felt strange about the whole thing. Something from your past threw you off, ma jolie fille. Are you epecting a replay? “next week”? Cancel that appointment!
Now, your Bohemian. She’s talking “spacey” rot, and lots of people are listening. She appears almost to be in costume (insincerity? put-on window dressing?) You, almost without realizing it, try to bring things back to (Battlefield) earth, but everyone tropps into a small classroom and you are unprepeared. For the transition from outdoors to a small space, to discuss hooey? Someone or something that you know you are done with and have moved beyond, is cramping your style, that’s what I think.
Then again, Elvis talks to me through my Hummel figurines, so what do I know? I am just glad you are feling good again, Weasel.
I am awfully glad i have met you. Know that?
xo
FB
Bonjour, Fire-Woman!
I do think that on one level this dream is about a *learning experience*. That said, I do go back to school next week. So I think this dream is telling my things on a multitude of levels. And, I LOVE your interpretation—much more thorough than Igor’s. I will not be going back to Mr. Yellow Jungian Teeth anytime soon. I am canceling that appt. and leaning to the right is also a symbol of leaning toward the dominant/the masculine and that definitely leaves me unbalanced.
I do love the MAIN space of this dream. It was a gorgeous building and I am thrilled that *my stuff* is back in that space. A MUCH better space. This dream has both good space( the school) and bad space( Dark office/and Boho’s space TV chatter).
Who is Elvis to be above an adorable Germanic collectable figurine? Elvis speaks to us in many ways.;-)
Me too. I am!:-)xo
that was one intricate dream! and I am very impressed that you remembered it with such a level of detail. The most important thing is that you are feeling better aaaaandddd ready to open your JCrew box!!! ENJOY!!!
I may forget what I needed when I walked into another room but I don’t forget my dreams.;-)
I haven’t opened the Jcrew box yet. Can you believe it?:-)
Miss J is happy to hear La B is feeling better… Change is good when we can actually achieve it.
I hadn’t noticed how much I had changed. It is nice that others have.
Out of the dawn, and into the daylight.
And she rises and flourishes yet again,,,Yea,indeed! It is always somehow a shock when the depths do not swallow us whole for days at a time ,but seemingly have just grabbed an ankle or two thus anchored us screaming in some circle for a quickie! I think there is something inherent (with me,at least) about mistrusting that and mistrutsing too easily the good stuff, the repreive , the rise..and CHANGE or growth in myself….not in other! Maybe it’s the belief or fear that if you scratch the surface on any good day there may be a big ole’ depressed girl stuck, and impaled on a lower rung,goping nowhere fast. But, Hey, I choose not to believe that …today..In hearing of your dream (which seemed much about real confidence in yourself and choices) and I was distracted wondering if the Institute( or inspiration for same) was the great one which I know well here in Chicago…I had a psychoanyalyst from there for a few years and another one for a moment.I have so many names for all the dark days and the great abysss,and circles below. However, I waitressed a few summers during college at The Black Dog restauraunt On Martha’s Vineyard ( much later somehwat famously slurred by the reported gift of a Black Dog Mug from Clinton to Monica! LOL) so mine is many things but not a black dog.I love that restauraunt.Yet I do like the image of the black dog on the lap awhile hopping off.Belette,I too have switched “Igors”before, I had two in Manhattanen, one was….sucksational as you might say (and he WAS a Jungian!teeth OK, cleared a spit full throat too often ,coughed constantly,smelled of cheap tobacco ) and then a magnificent and wonderful woman whom I left( crying and screaming) when I left NYC.She helped me survive..well…much of my life and the deaths of both parents quite young .She was the dream therapist.A good one here.I know starting over with another can happen and can be good….(sigh).No,I can barely believe you have not opened “the box” yet!!
Get to it,woman.I am again guilty … MUCH too F…long,Patricia!!shorter next time.
Merci beaucoup,
Patricia
PS Not just a science fiction title, but a Scientology sci fi movie??? where did that come from…..
So glad you’re feeling better! Maybe you’re building a “psychic immunity” to the black dog and that’s why this bout only lasted a day.
You are finding your way back how fantastic is that. The birds haven’t eaten all the breadcrumbs!
i marvel at your ability to write as you do…every time, even if i am tired and think i need to read this tomorrow, you have me on the second paragraph and i raptly read your words to the end…with a smile in general…there is something so sweet and special about you and i am glad you are moving into a light filled space filled with interesting people and a bohemian woman…did she have paint all over her hands and very very skinny, in need of a haircut? maybe it was me, i talk nonsense lots but never in a comment.
xoxo
All your hard work is paying off.
I’m very glad to know you bounced back so fast, but I’m not surprised because I have a feeling you’ve reached a new level of stability and depth of understanding.
I don’t watch television at all but I really do love science fiction – the hard stuff
I love the name of this blog! I hope I am not that Bohemian woman???