On Thursday I will not be going to Igor’s. This Thursday I am beginning an adventure. Me, He-weasel, Lily and my mother are going on a trip to find my grandfather. We are packing the car and driving from L.A. to Portland, Oregon. It will be a kind of family reunion, only there will be no one waiting for us—no party at a park to celebrate our surname. You see my grandfather isn’t actually in Portland; he is buried somewhere in Orlando, Florida. I suppose we could have made a trip to Orlando and gone to Disney World and stopped by the cemetery in which he resides, but I prefer to see the buildings he built. As soon as I learned about my grandfather’s buildings I knew I had to see them for myself. There was an impulse that demanded fulfillment. When I told my mother that I was going to see my grandfather’s buildings she told me that she wanted to come too.
“They thought that it would be a disgrace to go forth as a group. Each entered the forest at a point that he himself had chosen, where it was darkest and there was no path. If there is a path it is someone else’s path and you are not on the adventure.”
— Joseph Campbell
When we arrive in Portland on Friday we are going to go to the county records office and stand in line and fill out forms and pay a clerk to give us a listing of all the buildings that my architect grandfather built in Portland. And then we are going to spend the next week going to these places. We will get out of the car and help my mother get out of the car and get Lily’s leash on and make sure we have batteries in the camera and we will stand in front of his buildings. We will bring no flowers to these monuments of his memory instead we will bring a Rashomon of reactions.
He-weasel will take pictures and talk about the architectural elements of the edifice. My mother will tell stories about her father and she will feel things about him and his abrupt departure from her life. She will feel pride at seeing these things that her father accomplished and she will feel grief that this man who built these buildings that endure was incapable of creating any relationship that did. Lily will pee on the grass in front of my grandfather’s buildings. She will excitedly smell the smells she has never smelt before and she will greet any passer byes as if this was her home. I will stand in front of what remains of this man, as if standing at his grave-site. I will quietly reflect on this man that I never knew whose choices have impacted my mother’s life and hence, indirectly, my life. I will see if I feel anything. I will listen for any messages that the ghost of my grandfather has for me. I will look to these buildings hoping that they can serve as a mirror, giving me some kind of greater understanding of myself and perhaps some greater insight into my mother.
When we get back in the car my mother will sit quietly and I will know that even though she won’t say it that she feels something like depression in response to these paternal structures and she will imagine the life she would have had if her father hadn’t left her. Other days she will fill the emptiness with a manic spree of recollection. She will tell me stories about where she went to school and how she remembers walking down this street with her brother and how much Portland has changed since she was a child. He-weasel will ask me excitedly which address we are going to next and then he will turn his attentions to navigation. Lily will use the time to nap in her crate or work on her plans for destruction for her chew toy. I will open the new journal I bought just for the trip—the journal that will house the thoughts, feelings and the names of places we stop for coffee along the way. I will document my reactions to this place that we just saw and I will write down all the things my mother said while we stood in front of this building that her father built. I will write all that I notice. I will watch my mother mourn her father and I will think about what Jung said,”Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.” I will watch my dreams to see how my psyche is responding to this meeting with my grandfather’s ghost. And I will keep a list of things that I want to tell you and another list of things that I want to tell Igor.
There is something about this trip that has a tone of great gravitas and finality to it. And I get the sense that this is the last trip I will ever take with my mother. Maybe that is why I feel that death is coming with us on this trip—or maybe that is just the ghost of my grandfather who will come along for the ride. For my mother and for me, taking this trip is some kind of nameless ritual—it is a ritual of a homecoming, only this isn’t my home and all of the homes we visit will be closed to us. Likely during our visits to all of his buildings will be us on the outside looking in with no access or entry to the interiors of these buildings and even if we could enter the man we are seeking would not be there, his ghost eclipsed by the lives of the occupants who call these houses, that he constructed, home. However, I do believe that by showing up at his doors…something will be opened, I just don’t know what that will be.
“We have only to follow the thread of the hero path.
And where we had thought to find an abomination,
we shall find a God.
And where we had thought to slay another,
we shall slay ourselves.
And where we had thought to travel outward,
we shall come to the center of our own existence.
And where we had thought to be alone,
we shall be with all the world.”
— Joseph Campbell
All pictures posted here are of some of the photos I found online of my grandfather’s buildings. I can’t help but notice that he has a sort of Jungian aesthetic (yes, I am aware that I could be projecting).
p.s. Please check out this LOVELY, LOVELY, LOVELY post!
Awesome, in every sense of the real meaning of the word! Can’t wait to show my husband these images…he’s a Portland boy and may recognize the buildings. We were there on Sunday afternoon to see Long Days Journey Into Night, and it was so lovely walking around downtown on a hot summer afternoon. Quite likely passed by some of your grandfather’s buildings. Awesome!
It is so strange to me that many people know my grandfather through his buildings. Ask him if he knows Norse Hall( it is right across from Powell’s) that is one of his public buildings.
Portland is a lovely city. And a great city to walk in.
p.s. I hope I see you while I am there.:-)
Wish I’d read your reply before my husband went to bed tonight! I will ask tomorrow. Interesting that you would mention walking in Portland and Powell’s in the same paragraph because one of my mother’s and my favorite things to do back in the 80s was to see the Rose Festival parade downtown and then to walk to Powell’s afterward.
I sent you a separate message earlier as I sure hope to see you too.
Lovely post LBR, both in its looking forward and its looking back. It seems to me that this trip has real potential for some of the catharsis you seek. I don’t see death at your side at all. I see opportunity. I hope it’s everything you wish for.
kind regards……
Thanks, Alistair. I feel sure something will come of this. It feels loaded with potential. I am not attached to a certain outcome(which is good).
starting point for another book?
perhaps.;-)
What a wonderful idea to go with your Mother on this journey into the past. And the Joseph Campbell quotes are perfect — he is one of my heros. I look forward to your notes although you’ve already done an amazing job pre-documenting the experience!
Portland is the place I would want to live if I didn’t live in the San Francisco Bay Area. We took a vacation there a couple years ago and now I wonder if I’ve been inside one or more of your Grandfather’s buildings.
This does feel like a mythic adventure. And I think that thinking about it that way will make room for all the feelings that come up.
I love Campbell too. His writing on mythology has had a big impact on how I understand human psychology.
Portland is lovely. I love all the trees and the green. You might have been—there are a lot of his buildings around in the Rose City.
I know I keep banging on about the TV programme Who Do You Think You Are, but it does resonate here as so many people find grandfathers and great grandfather’s who just up sticks and walk away, literally there one day gone the next often to America where they star again. Despite often having 2 families or more they frequently die alone and I wonder why men focus so much on material achievement at the expense of familial love.
I think your road trip is a great idea I love the idea of your dog pissing, leaving her mark wherever you go. I am particularly impressed with your mother going having just survived two week with mine.
Glad you enjoyed the photographs of Scotland, it is an amazing place to visit.
The scholar, Henry Louis Gates Jr., had a fantastic show called “Faces of America”. He did the family history/geneology of Meryl Streep, Yo Yo Ma, Mike Nichols and others. It was a brilliant show. I found myself crying several times as the show was so very emotional.
I am coming armed on this trip with many tools to take care of myself( long term exposure to my mother has a way of making me lose my mind and my cool). I am really going to try and work on letting her be her and not react to her. Time will tell how well I do.
I wish you a wonderful trip. I’m glad that you get this chance to travel with your mother and to visit your grandfather this way. Emotionally, I expect it will provide a full spectrum of experiences.
I may need another vacation after this one.;-)
….”the unlived life of the parent….” holy schmoly….that got to me…. My mom died after what I beleive to be a largly unhappy life (of HEART cancer, no less!) at the age of 46. (Luckily, I was all grown up.) And this post also reminded me of the Movie “Field of Dreams….” When the fellow says to his wife something like… “I will not live my life like them….” (meaning his parents….) And I embraced that desire and sob every time I see that movie…and hope that I am not living like them. (I do know that I am not.) What a great, thoughtful, fruitful post. I hope you have a fulfilling trip. (oh. man.)
That unlived life of the parent quote is one I have given a whole lot of thought about. My father wanted to be a writer and he never was. And neither of my parents were ones to look into their inner life. I sometimes wonder who or what I would be if my father had pursued writing and if I wasn’t the designated feeler in my nuclear family. The sticky thing about what the guy says in “Field of Dreams” is that if we are living in reaction to our parents(doing the opposite of them) then we aren’t free of them. I remember the first time my therapist told me that my commitment to not being like them wasn’t allowing me freedom—I was shocked. This individuation process is hard work!
Thanks, Giggles!
If your mother still mourns a father who left her, you’re bringing him as back as he can be. If this doesn’t work, you’re off the hook.:).
My mom is not one who does much looking back or processing of feelings( that tends to be my job). So this should be interesting.
I’ve accompanied Pater on business trips to Portland, although sadly not for years — I always admired the wealth of architecture there and wondered what accounted for it.
You’ve crafted a beautiful tale of what will happen on your trip — I’ll be very curious to see how this fiction meets reality. bonne chance et bon courage
Portland is a beautiful city. I am very excited about getting to the PNW.
I too look forward to seeing what the truth of this journey will be.
Wow, this is a serious undertaking. Lily and your mom in the car, looking at the past.
It should be an opportunity for insight—or at least fodder for blog posts.
Dear friend, your writing had me crying. I hope this trip brings you all the insights you need. I can’t wait to read your thoughts about this. And, I can’t wait see you, Belette!
Thanks, lovely friend. And I can’t wait to see you!!!
What an amazing journey to undertake. And I adore the detail shots – everything looks positively mystical.
Doesn’t it look mystical? Like something out of a dream. I never imagined that my grandfather had mystical leanings.
I’m very interested to hear how all this goes. I’m certain it will be very loaded, very emotional, don’t you think?
It’s a brave undertaking! I hope you really enjoy yourself and find out a lot.
xo
Loaded is right. It should be a real adventure.xo
I hope that you have a fantastic trip with He-Weasel, Lily, and your mother. I LOVE trips of the type you have planned. Your post puts me very much in mind of “You Can Go Home Again: Reconnecting With Your Family” by Monica McGoldrick. It will be exciting and interesting to read about the trip as it unfolds externally or internally. I too watched the Gates’ genealogy documentary and sobbed.
Bon voyage!
I JUST ordered McGoldrick’s book. I read many of her books in grad school. Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I hope to have it read before I go. Thanks so much, dear Pliers!;-)
Wasn’t Gates brilliant?? I wish that was an ongoing series. I loved it.
I was watching In Treatment yesterday and I instantly thought of you and your mother. It was during the scene in which Sophie tells her mother that “we can stop and have coffee if you want” and her mother starts to cry. Although your relationship with your mother is very different, it definitely reminded me of how recently you have been seeing your mother in a much different light.
I <3 you! I LOVE that scene. That is such a big step for Sophie. Have I told you that Sophie is my favorite? Her ability to see her father as he really is and to start to see her mother in a different light is evidence of how impactful the therapy is. Brilliant.
Thanks, Gillian. Yes, I do see my mother differently. And this seeing does come from my work with Igor.
Oh my – I love Sophie. Of all of them. I don’t know anyone else who has watched this series so I have been alone in my love for some of these characters.
Beautiful writing in your post today. Absolutely beautiful.
Thanks so much, Deborah!!
Sophie is the best. It is the BEST therapy that happens in the whole series, if you ask me.
Have a wonderful trip! Wish you were coming a little farther north, but I’ll wave your direction on Friday. Hit up Stumptown for coffee if you can.
I wish I was too. I haven’t been *home* in too long. We will definitely go to Stumptown. Thanks for the tip!
What a wonderful idea…a pilgrimage to honour your grandfather…take photos and show us what else he designed!
I will definitely take loads of pictures!
i must be honest when i say that this journey, for me, would be fraught with hazards, however since it is not me who is going but you, i hope you rejoice in the living experience and if you get mixed up or turned around or upside down, go for a long quiet walk with lily along the sidewalks lined with trees and shadows– i feel sure she will show you the way home. xoxox
You are so right!!! Lily and I had a long chat and we have decided that long walks and frequent mother/furry-daughter outings was necessary for our mental health.
Thanks, lovely Linda.xoxo
Good morning LBR, This post really resonated with me as I just recently visited my mom…I think it is lovely that you have a famous grandfather, I think mine was too, in a way, but left nothing behind! : )
This will be a great trip… I think we grow a lot through such trips- we become more empathetic, more unveiled, more our true selves as we voluntarily go on a trip that is not just for us but to please someone else!
Love to you always!
I would love to hear about your grandfather. Maybe you can write about him on your blog. I would love to hear about your story.
It will be a great trip. I am really looking forward to it and to seeing what it reveals.
Love back to you!
What a beautiful trip you have portrayed. May it live up to all your expectations and even move beyond them; it is a heroic undertaking and I applaud your journey, which like all journeys already seems set to move on levels both real and allegorical. Good luck. And of course you always have friends who have your back.
Thanks for your wishes of luck. I feel like I will need them. Hero’s journeys usually involve some stress.
I think this has the possibility of being an amazing trip for you and your mother. You’ve said she doesn’t like to deal with emotion, and perhaps it is time. Enjoy this adventure and cannot wait to see more photos!
Have an amazing time on this journey. Very Everything is Illuminated.
Enjoy the adventure!
I love that book. I don’t think I have as interesting a story as Jonathan Safran Foer did. And I certainly can’t write as well as he does. That said, his story did come to mind.
Wow, sounds like its going to be an amazing adventure. Parents don’t realise the profound effect they can have on their children. My great grandmother was an alcoholic who dumped my grandmother and brothers in a cinema and ran away. To ensure she couldn’t get them back to claim welfare, they were separated and brought up in children’s home. This greatly affected my grandmother’s ability to show love for her children and grandchildren, it was only in her later years tragically only shortly before her early death from cancer that she basically ‘learnt to love’
It is so sad that they were separated. That is really tragic. Actually, the whole story is tragic. It is amazing that your grandmother managed to learn to love before she died. It is truly quite extraordinary that she did. So many people become more rigid and fixed as they age.
Do you think people seem more rigid and fixed as they age because they are trying to hang on to the person there were? Aging takes courage and although we all hope to get older the young seldom believe they will age. Denial stands in the way of understanding our elders.
This is my first visit to your blog. I will return to read more about your trip.
Genie
My bias is that what we read as old is when people hold onto old ideas and aren’t open to the new(i.e. not about age). I have a friend who at 30 is old( totally fixed and rigid) and I have an 85 year old friend who reads as young in that she is open to new ideas and experiences. I think your analysis is right on. I am a BIG fan of the crone and the senex archetype( I had a grandmother who lived until 101). There is so much wisdom that the crone and the senex have to teach.
Thanks so much for your visit and your comment. I look forward to seeing you here again!
So beautifully written. Best wishes for a safe journey.
Thanks, Zen!
Do you ever wonder if some of these relatives were more like you than the ones you grew up with? I hope that looking at his buildings will inspire you and be helpful to your mother.
I absolutely do. Seeing the mythic images in the details of his work makes me feel like that maybe my grandfather and I had a lot in common. Thanks, Jenava. I hope so too.
Oh, I can’t wait to hear all about your discoveries. LBR, you are a gifted writer but more so, a dear human being. I’m soooo grateful our paths have crossed.
I understand your sense that death is coming with you. I imagine this trip will be transformative for all of you. Go in peace!
I am grateful too. I never imagined a trifecta friend was possible.
I do think that if death is coming with us that means something new is being born. Don’t you think? I do think it will change all of us, save Lily. Lily will be as she was before…perfect.;-)
i can only think of three words to say to you today.
you are brave!
(and so must i be)
You ARE brave. YOU are.
Sorry that this is totally irrelevant to the post, but you are so fucking beautiful Belette! I saw your newly unanonymous profile picture
Good luck with the trip. I am thinking of you xx
No need to apologize if you are going to say something incredibly complementary like that. Thank you, pretty(face)!!!!:-D
Thanks, sweet you!xo
Wow, a trip where beginnings converge with endings. I can’t wait to hear about what you find. I think it’s amazing that you and your mother can meet on this topic – on the topic of family and history.
Thank you so much for making my day. Your blog post was so very lovely. Thank you!
Wow, I will really be holding a good thought for you; being the closest-in-proximity person to someone who doesn’t process emotions well but is going on a very emotional journey should be interesting!
Glad you’ve pre-planned ways to get some time and mental space to yourself. If your head starts exploding, email me and I’ll try to come apply pressure!
Are you in the Portland area? If so, would you be up for a meet up. I am planning on meeting with some local bloggers. I would love it if you could come!
Please do keep me in the loop! The email address associated with this account is fine.
I will definitely keep you in the loop. I am thinking Sunday might be the best day for a meet up. Maybe brunch. I’ll contact you as soon as I get to Portland.
It’s been very hot here the past 5 days but cooler temperatures are due. See? Portland is getting ready to welcome you.
Yes, please Portland, cool down!!!
Can’t wait to see you and Numb and Crow!:-)
I am so pleased that we were on the same wavelength.
I read “You Can Go Home Again:…” in its entirety on the plane from Orange County to Oklahoma City on March 5, 2009 for my 95 year old grandmother’s (she was my 3 year old father’s and 4 month old uncle’s stepmother after their own mother’s death from tuberculosis just prior to her 25th birthday) funeral.
I need all the tools I can get in my toolbox for coping with my family of origin’s past and present, not to mention the past and present of other’s people’s families of origin!!!
I wish you a wonderful voyage of discovery in Portland, Madame!
We are almost always on the same book wavelength. I am STILL very grateful to you for Louise DeSalvo’s book.
Did “You Can Go Home Again..” help with your homecoming? I feel sure that it did and yet I need to ask.;-)
Merci, mon amie!
What lovely images.
Joseph Campbell would be proud of me. No matter if I start on a path in the woods, I soon get lost and have to blaze my own trail, glancing at my compass and up at the sun.
You write lovely and perceptively. You got me to thinking — which at 3 A.M. is quite amazing in and of itself! Have a great tomorrow, Roland
Only you could construct a post that sounds like an exciting adventure when in reality, the bulk of the time *is* going to be spent waiting in line and filling out forms & dealing with other bureaucratic accouterments.
Joseph Campbell didn’t write about the Hero’s Journey and bureaucracy. He should have. I feel sure that the mythic structure would hold up in many bureaucratic venues. ‘The DMV as a path to enlightenment”; “Filing for Medicare as a journey to the underworld”, etc.
p.s. Thanks for keeping it real( i.e. for bringing me down into reality and out of the myth of meaning;-).
“The unlived life of the parent” …this is something to really ponder! Hummm…..What exactly does that mean? When I ask you these kinds of questions I imagine you put on your Igorette Hat….. xoxox
No hats for this gal, my head is too big for a hat!;-) That said, what Jung meant was that where our parents got stuck in their development is often what sticks us up. My father wanted to write and didn’t. That has had to have an impact on me. What didn’t your parents do that they really wanted to do? How did that impact you?Okay, I’ll admit, I do have an Igorette hat.;-) xxoo
This is going to be a special journey in many ways, lovely Belette. I hope it is everything that you wish for, and more. Bright wishes. xx
Thanks, Carol!xo
ahhh … lovely post … how are you ??? I have had a crazy year …. maybe life will calm down
))))
thanks for this !
OMG!! So great to hear from you!!! I am on my way to your blog. I look forward to catching up.
It was less about being helpful with the “homecoming” than about continuing to make headway in understanding what happened in my very, very destructive family of origin and its off-, up-, and down-shoots.
Having just completed reading “The Divided Mind: The Epidemic of Mindbody Disorders” and “When The Body Says No: The Hidden Cost of Stress” I’m even more impressed with Monica McGoldrick’s efforts to shine some light on the intergenerational mental health habits of families.
Her book helped me to expanded my family’s story and to feel less like the girl who opened her mouth to speak and toads and lizards came out when she told family stories.
Such a fascinating adventure…safe travels!
p.s. Thanks for sharing the provocative Joseph Campbell quotes. Your posts always give me much to mull over.
Ooops!!! I filled in my boxes incorrectly can you please make sure the name is only Pamela — when you approve the comment? Sorry for the administrative fix!
what an interesting post.
i am looking forward to hearing if the trip goes as you predict.