(The first part of this post was written last year and not posted).
“I so miss hope. I miss it like a person. I have some hope but not hope like I had. I don’t think I will ever have that again.” I explained to him.
“Are you thinking a lot about Chicago lately?” Igor asked.
“Not a lot, but we are getting close to the Fourth of July.”
“The Fourth?” he asked in a way that he reminded me that he was not born in this country.
“Because of the parade. The 4th of July parade. We lived on the parade route in Lake Bluff and we had a party and everyone had a party. I really loved it. It was so nice. And here there is nothing. There is nothing that is mine.”
“It was like you belonged in Lake Bluff? You belonged to something and you didn’t have to do anything to create it.”
“Yeah. It was like it was all there. It was like a set. The houses, the trees, the backdrop. It was all there and I didn’t have to do anything to be happy in it. It was all ready for me. Sure, I needed some actors(babies) to make the story complete. It was like living in a Ralph Lauren dream and I just wanted to stay in that dream forever,” I explained.
“You could just walk in and live the dream.”"
Audible sigh and the beginning of tears.
Igor handed me tissues. He always hands me two. Today he handed me three.
“I miss feeling that way.”
“All your dependency needs were met. You just had to show up and it was all there, this sense of being at home. There was nothing you had to do to make it perfect. It just was.”
I thought he was inferring that this was unhealthy. “Yeah, but I never had it and I deserve it. Everyone deserves it. I should have had this experience as a baby and I didn’t. I deserved it.
“You do.”
I was relieved that he wasn’t trying to tell me that it was unhealthy.
“Nothing ever felt the way living there did. Nothing.”
“What about loving He-weasel?”
As soon as he said it I thought my head would explode. It was like we were talking about architecture and then he wanted me to compare and contrast how peach ice cream is like a modernist building. My mind couldn’t make the leap.
I told him so. “I have a block around this. It is like I can’t think of both feelings at the same time.”
I turned my head away from Igor and I shut my eyes and I tried to think of both things: 1)How I feel in Lake Bluff and 2) How I feel with He-weasel. At first I thought there was something wrong and that he was saying so. Maybe it’s bad that I can’t feel the way I feel in Lake Bluff all the time with He-weasel. I tried not to panic.
Then I knew the answer. I do feel that way with He-weasel and I feel all the love and the connection and a sense that there is nothing I have to do to keep it and then I panic. I can’t tell He-weasel. If I tell him I will lose him. I reminded Igor of the time I felt so much love for He-weasel, the time I was driving and I become so filled with love that I couldn’t contain it and I wanted to call and tell him how much I loved him. As soon as I had the thought I had another one, “If I tell him he will die.”
I think that unconsciously do my best to not let him know how much I love him as I have evidence that if I show someone how much I love them everything turns to crap so it is better not to fully show it or even feel it.
I told my mother how much I loved her when I was little. I told I her I loved her so much that I wanted to die before her. And then everything went wrong and for years and years I was unable to love her.
**********************************************
June 28th, 2010 update:
Next week is the Fourth and I still miss Lake Bluff. It is the 100 year anniversary of the parade and no doubt it will be even more special than usual. I am sorry I will not be there. I am sorry that we will not be hosting a party and that today I am not making a grocery list and looking for recipes for granola and wondering if I should make Bloody Marys or not.
I occasionally still get hit with that feeling…that feeling of “I can’t believe we are here in L.A.” or “this feels like a bad dream.” Mostly I don’t. There are days I am even happy that I am here and the more I am here the more I can’t imagine dealing with the ice or the snow again. I am building my practice here and I am looking for homes and neither of these actions bring the anxiety that they once did. There are other days when I still ache for the place that was going to be the place we were going to have a family. There are days I feel expelled by a dark god and on those days I envy all the happy families that are living the life in Lake Bluff that I so desperately wanted and I wonder what I did that caused my expulsion from Eden.
Two years ago this week is when we arrived back in L.A. We went to my mother’s to visit and we spent the Fourth with her and I was inconsolable in my grief. I wouldn’t go out and watch fireworks or eat a hot dog or do anything that in anyway acknowledged that it was this countries birthday—it hurt too much. The contrast of here and there was too great.
Next week we are spending this Fourth at my mother’s. I am choosing to do this, no one is making me. The reason I have made these plans, I am telling myself and her, is because I don’t want to be in Valencia because there are too many fireworks and the noise bothers Lily’s ears. I wonder if there is another reason beyond the obvious.
Maybe this has something to do with it: For as long as I can remember whenever I would leave my mother’s house I would not be able to feel my ability to love. I couldn’t feel love for anyone for 24-48 hours. My heart would stop functioning. The last time I was there I it didn’t happen. I left and I could still feel love. And that was before the insights that came in our conversation about her father. Ever since then I have felt a love for her that I haven’t felt since I was a little girl and I was worried that she might die before me.
Oh, and, in the spirit of rambling free association which seems to be the hallmark of this post, I have lately felt this totally overwhelming sense of love for Lily. Really, it has shocked me how much I love her. I know that you know I love her—but every day I love her MORE. Sometimes I think that it is impossible to love her more than that but then the next day I find that I do. As my love has grown so has my anxiety. There has been a pre-verbal wordless dread that I feel each time I feel the love for her that has slowly percolated up to my temporal lobe and words have slowly formed out of a hot soup of feeling. One noodley letter at a time. “B” came first and then a “u” and next a “t”…weeks later a full sentence arrived, “But she will die.” Strangely that phrase coming together in my consciousness has only made me love her more.
All that said, just today He-weasel and I were walking in Valencia and we were talking about how much Lily would have loved our backyard in Lake Bluff and how she would have loved the parade. And how much we would love taking her to the beach at the Bluff. She would have loved it all.
*************************
Note on the title of this post: ‘The Love Parade” was the name of James Leer’s book in the Wonder Boys. I love that movie. And as I was writing this post the title came to mind—but I do have to give credit where it’s due.
This post makes my heart glow with love, and maybe pride? Is that weird? Weird or not, I am proud of you.
Definitely not weird.xo
Love is a risk. Always.
Don’t like that end of love. I like the part that feels good.;-)
It is amazing and uplifting to read this, to see you write about Valencia with some hope and openness. I know it has been such a struggle to get here, but you are here. And that is marvelous.
Thanks!! It was extraordinary to find this post and see how far I have come.
I’m amused that you envision those families in Lake Bluff being happy. I envision them being more like the families I know — totally stressed out at best, unhappy more typically.
Our sense of other peoples lives are often more telling about us then about them.;-) I tend to project that everyone else is happy. I am getting better about it. I like your more realistic version.
Letting go of hopes and dreams is the most difficult, I think. It’s highly personal, nobody can help us with it, and nobody else understands it completely. One has to grieve twice, I think: Once in coming to terms with the mere idea of letting a hope or dream go, then again when we do the *actual* letting go.
What do you think?
I bet you’ll feel the same ability to retain your capability to love before, during, and after your visit to your mother’s place for the 4th.
You are making incredible progress, La Bel.
xo
Grief of dreams is so much longer and complicated then I could have ever imagined. Grief has love in it and love has death in it. Ugh! All so complicated, isn’t it?
I can feel the change. It is undeniable. Yet, I still want to go*home*.
Thanks for your support and encouragement!xo
wow. Such a heart-felt post, and you really drew me in. Thanks for sharing.
oxox
Denalee
Denalee: Thank you.
)) xo
This is very beautiful, I think because of its sadness and honesty.
There is this Mark Jarman poem that breaks my heart, and your post reminds me of it:
http://poems.com/poem.php?date=14614
Good God
Instead of casting them out of paradise,
Instead of making them labor in pain and sweat,
Instead of instilling tristesse after coitus,
Instead of giving them fire to burn their house down
And light their way into the outer world,
He could have split them, each with a memory of the other,
And put them each into a separate world.
-Mark Jarman
I am crying. When I am done crying I will print this poem. Thank you.xo
That is a beautiful poem! The theme of love in this post is so overwhelmingly beautiful too. You have captured the great thing about love – its transcience and ability to take a hundred different forms. I don’t think your love for Lily is unhealthy, but a manifestation of how much love you have in you. And it’s OK that she will die – so could anyone, at any different time.
Keep on loving and writing about it, Belette xxx
Isn’t it??? I am so grateful to Hannah for posting it. It is transience that makes it more poignant…I know it and yet…ugh!
My love for Lily, my lovely friends, He-weasel, writing and Igor are what have helped me survive the last two years. LOVE you ALL. Love you, Pretty Face!
xo
I loved this piece.. I often long for something .. I don’t know what.. I am not happy nor unhappy at that time. But I am filled with melancholy , wanting something I know that I have experienced before, but, as I don’t know what it is, I cant get there or it..
Does that make sense?.. like your longing for Lake Bluff.
I was also always scared of loving something or someone too much, until I lost my Father .. it was my worst nightmare.
It had always been my biggest fear.
I loved him more than anything.. but he passed.
With this experience, more surviving this experience and still surviving this loss… I know that I can face anything I am stronger… well most of the time. I dare not think of loosing my children as that would kill me and I would never let them out of the house xxx Fabulous post xxx
Ruth: Thank you so much. Thank you for sharing your loss and longing. There is a book I think you might like called “LONGING FOR PARADISE: Psychological Perspectives on an Archetype”. In it Mario Jacobi writes about this archetypal longing for the perfect merger we had with mother when we were in utero. All our needs were met and there was no separation or loss. According to Jacobi all longing for the perfect job, house, spouse, etc. is all an attempt to get back to that state. It makes a whole lot of sense.
Not to compare my loss of Lake Bluff or the loss of not having kids with the loss of your Dad, but I really relate to having the loss of the love object making me feel stronger. I used to recoil when people called me strong. Now I recognize it as a description of me the same way Lily knows someone is talking about her when the word “Cute” is used. xo
Wow what progress. I am hopeful that you can feel compassionate toward your mom and your feelings will not be violated. I can’t wait to hear.
Please keep your fingers crossed. I’ll let you know when I get back.
What a beautiful post and how amazingly far you have come. I have to go read it again and again, there is so much contained within. Loss of dreams is so profound because all the other intrusions of the world, the things that would happen if you were still there, do not play a role.
Good luck with the holiday weekend and your visit to your mom. I have wondered how this new information would change the dynamic and have hoped that things will be easier for you; I hope that this newfound compassion is not broken but provides an opening. I will be thinking about you.
I do feel like I have come along way. But I will admit even though I have absolutely given up on the baby dream—there is a part of me that has not given up on going back to LB. I wonder if I ever will give it up. There is a part of me that feels like if I really give up on that dream then we will get to go back( magical thinking).
Please keep your fingers crossed for me. I am a bit nervous how our weekend will go.
I just know you’re going to have a great 4th.
And, yes, you absolutely deserve it.
(Let’s make more plans soon, btw!)
Hugs,
Anna
Yes, let’s make plans!!!! I would love that.
Oh my dear … I so understand the longing for what once was; the grief for loss of the life one worked so hard to build, the dreams for the future; the unknown what if, if only; and the fear of the unknown yet to come – the unfamiliar.
I wish you you a wonderful holiday with your mother. The compassion you so dearly have her, may she embrace it and return to you the respect, love, and family happiness you do deserve!!!
You have come so far from what I have read in your posts. I think sometimes we need to try and live in the moment – (I know often times easier said than done) embrace it for what is and try our best to keep going. Sending a huge Blog Friend hug!!! HHL
Thank you, dear bloggy friend, for your understanding and your warm wishes. I feel like I need to keep my expectations reasonable when it comes to this visit. I think that the most I can hope for is that I keep my compassion.
And living in the moment is hard for this red weasel( my focus is mostly on the past and future). I am, thanks to Igor’s help, doing better with it..but it is still a struggle.
Hugs right back to you.
I am still going through this struggle, I think. Only it’s not associated with a physical place but a mental one, where I should be now compared to where I thought I would be.
So I’m so glad you’ve made so much progress. Fourth of July you should light a sparkler in honor of yourself (and Lily and He-Weasil) along with the country’s b-day!!!
I know that struggle you speak of. I have been there.I struggled for YEARS with who I thought I should be by a certain again. I feel like I have let that go and I am not sure how I did it( therapy likely had something to do with it;-).
Love your idea of lighting a sparker. You have inspired me. Hope you have a lovely 4th! And I sincerely hope that your inner struggle lightens.
I understand that feeling – longing of a place where you felt at home and yourself. I feel that way about my San Francisco years even though, in reality, the city kind of chewed me up and spat me out. Perhaps, in our nostalgia, we gloss over the unpleasant memories of a past life but forget about the pleasant experiences of our current lives. It’s that longing for something more, and “the grass is greener on the other side” cliche comes to mind.
We have to also keep in mind that we’re where we are now for a reason. Maybe we can’t see that reason right now, and it may only to appreciate what we had before. Yet, what we make of a place, person, or situation is up to us.
Ok, I’m rambling, but the point is, I totally get what you’re feeling and saying
Part of my issue around Lake Bluff is that I was truly happy there– I had plenty to be unhappy about and yet I wasn’t. I don’t think I have retrospective road color glasses on. I think it gave me psychological space from lots of things. Each day we lived there I would say out loud, “We are so lucky to live here.” I knew it and I appreciated it. Sniff.
I feel VERY grateful for all that being in L.A. has brought about: Igor, the book, emotional growth, and handling many things I thought I couldn’t handle. I know I wouldn’t be the person I am or have the opportunities that I do if we hadn’t come back. All that said I still miss LB.
I like the way you ramble. Ramble anytime you want( i.e. not rambling to me:-)
It’s so hard when love is tempered with the knowledge that loss could or will follow. When my son was born and we didn’t know if he was going to live and was in the hospital NICU, everyone was telling me not to get too attached to him in case he died. But I knew that was wrong. I knew that I’d regret more if I didn’t love him as much as possible while he was here. I knew that he needed that love more than I needed to protect myself. (For those of you who don’t know me, he did live and is doing well.) So love like there’s no tomorrow. It’s the one thing I believe we’ll never regret.
And I’m sorry you won’t be able to come over for the Fourth, but totally understand. Have a nice day with your mom.
What a beautiful and wise comment. Thank you so much for sharing it. I am really touched. You were so wise to ignore the advice. I feel sure that your son was fed and strengthened by your love. “I knew that he needed that love more than I needed to protect myself. ” YES! That is so big. Your son is lucky to have such a brave and loving mother.
I am sorry too. I hope you and yours have a lovely fourth.
I am so proud of you and happy for you.
I don’t know what else to say.
Thank you.:-)
There is so much here…
I missed the first post so was glad to read it. Again, it makes me wish I had a therapist! And it makes me verrrrry anxious for your book!
My mother and I were so close that I think family and friends were truly worried how I would deal with her death. I surprised them by not falling apart. It might have something to do with that I could still feel love after she left…
Boy, do I understand what you mean about loving Lily. I love all my pets but cat Willow? I LOVE WILLOW so much that I long for her when I’m away from her. So much that it grows each day, as your love does for Lily. So much that when she lets me spoon her (with my chest and belly) in bed I whisper thank yous to God for her. I had a co-worker once who said she hoped it never came down to having to chose between her husband and her cat…… ‘nuf said.
Lydia: You are a sweetheart. Thank you. Well you can have your own therapist, if you want one.;-) And, I hope that verrrrrrrry soon you can have your very own copy of TWI.
It is surprising how much we can survive. Isn’t it? Grief often feels like it will kill us and then it doesn’t and each time I have survived something I thought I couldn’t I am amazed by it. It must be extraordinary to continue to feel her love. I have not had such an experience but that might have more to do with my psychology than any reality. Does that make any sense?
Sounds like you and I are peas in a pod when it comes to our pets. I love Lily so much that she has made me wonder if there is some kind of divine intelligence that created this furry miracle. Yes, she has made this agnostic wonder. That is some big love.;-)
Belle, i love hearing about who and what you love. there is a beauty in it that many of us are able to share in…
the devastation of leaving a place one loves just seems to linger and hold on fiercely… i suppose it is because it was there that we loved; the place, our lives and most importantly the people in it.
life these days cracks me up because i see more and more how it keeps us on a journey… journey to what and to where? i’ve no idea…
but He-Weasel and Lily and feeling better around your mom, and a love of Peruvian food are distinct reminders of how life falls for you everyday in new ways…
i’m a bit misty today, please forgive me. it’s just that your post reminds me of the mystery and sheer joy of what we love brings us.
hugs dear You!!
Dear Audrey, Life does go on and I have healed a lot and there are new things to love and I am grateful for all that life has brought me in the last two years. I am also grateful to look back and see how I have grown in a year. If I didn’t blog I wouldn’t have this hallmark to measure my growth. It is nice to have that. And it is so very nice to have such lovely bloggy friends such as your self. Big hugs back.
So, I looked up Lake Bluff on the net and even found the 4th of July program; the Matt Saucedo band and all… Just to realize what you are missing!
Hope things go well at your mother’s place! The importance is to be with loved ones!
Peter: That is incredibly sweet of you to go off and read about my LB. I wish I was going to be there and yet I don’t think I could bear it. I think it would break my heart to go back for a visit on the 4th.
Thanks, Peter. You are a dear.
That was sad but made for some good reading.
Why did you leave Lake Bluff? I know it must be annoying to have a random blogger come in halfway through your life story, but I would like to hear it.
When I lived in Deep South State I felt that same sense of unreality: not believing I was there and pining away for my Native State.
Even now, though more rarely, I sometimes still miss it, the time if not the place.
BB: Thank you so much for the comment and sharing some of your story. It is lovely to meet you. And, no, it is not at all annoying. I am delighted that you are interested. Sadly my husband’s work required us to move to another state.
I so relate to missing a time and not just a place. We could go back to a place but that place is a place in time and it wouldn’t be the same now.
Thanks so much for stopping by and for your comment. I hope you come back again soon!
It’s so funny to hear you speak about longing for a place in time; that sentiment could have come word for word from one of my diaries.
Beautiful Town, where I was perhaps happiest, has grown and shifted behind us. Even if we returned, we would find nothing.
That isn’t quite as bad as leaving was, but it’s definitely bad.
It would be easier if it was just a place that we longed for. They sell tickets to those. But it is impossible to get back to a place in time. Le sigh!
Hey you disappeared…I am glad to see you are still on the blog o sphere…I tried to find you and the other site said…I needed to have permission to join!
I am so grateful you found me!!! Sorry about the other blog. I went private when I was in transition to the new blog.
The way you write is beautiful, almost surreal. I read it and I know how you feel leaving your home in Lake Bluff. Everyday it seems I wake up and wonder why I’m here, and it’s so much closer than you are to home! I don’t know your whole story, but I look forward to learning it.
Our baby should be born this week and I was almost in tears at dinner thinking about leaving our big dogs here with a sitter (she is amazing and ADORES them), I told hubby that I just hate leaving them this long (could be 2+ weeks) and then coming home to disrupt the life they’ve always known. I believe you could understand that, that’s why I’m sharing! My dogs are my heart. Losing my sweet O’Brien in March (11 years old) was one of the hardest things ever. I think about him EVERY day!
Anyhow, long ramble, just know I adore reading your words!!!
Dear Deni: Thank you so much. I am touched by your very kind compliment and your sharing of your story. And, yeah, I do get it. I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved O’Brien. I do believe that your dogs will benefit from all of the joy and love and excitement that you will feel when you bring your baby home and ultimately there will be more love. I have to believe that. Yet I understand your dread in leaving them. I can’t help but love you for all your concern for your animals.
Finally I am so sorry you know that longing for another place. It is a hard one and one that offers no easy answers.
Sending you, your husband and your dogs all my good thoughts.
I understand the love which you write about and am so glad that you are getting to feel it. I also am so incredibly proud of you for having this breakthrough about your mother.
xx pbc
This is me taking in your lovely comment.;-) It feels good. Thank you, Imogen.
xo+pbc
Thank you, Gazebo News! I am so grateful for the post and link. It makes me feel like in some way I am *home* for the parade. Thanks!
Maybe I rode the train with your husband. Sometimes I picked up the train in Lake Forest but I liked the Lake Bluff station better. I spent cold nights walking a wire fox terrier around the Harrison Conference Center. I left almost 10 years ago. And while I love living in NYC, I still miss that smell of train on my suit.
Thanks so much for your comment, Tintin! I like the LB station better too. It is quieter and feels more like someplace separate from everything. I took that train to work in Evanston and to downtown for shopping. And, you are a terrier lover!! Well now I must follow you back to your blog. My terrier is a Westie. But I am mad for all terriers.
Until you mentioned it, i hadn’t thought of the smell of the Metra. But you are so right. It does have a specific smell.
Lovely to meet you! Thanks so much for the memory provoking comment.