Comments on: The 16 things you shouldn’t say to a CNBC (childless not by choice)

By: Abigail Miller

Abigail Miller — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 17:29:52 +0000

I am a the director of a Montessori school(I, stupidly, went back to grad school to get a Montessori teaching diploma thinking it would help me to be a better parent and so I could both work and be near my child, before I found out I counldn’t have any- now I spend my entire day surrounded by adorable little children that I will never have, hearing about other people’s family vacations and Christmases- some days it is wonderful and others it is torture). Anyhow, I get the typical prying, stupid, “Do you have children? Why not?” type questions pretty constantly when I give tours (to which it is all I can do to hold my tongue and keep the words, “because despite five years of my life enduring painful, time consuming, expensive medical treatments, there appears to be no solution to my childless fate, but that probably isn’t any of your concern,” from pouring out of my mouth), but hands down, the cruelest thing I’ve ever heard came from a teaching colleague. A Waldorf-trained teacher told me that she and Rudolph Steiner believed that children choose their parents before birth. I wasn’t sure what that was supposed to make me think- that no baby wanted my husband and me as parents? That children born into situations of abuse or violence choose those placements?

Being infertile is an experience so filled with rejection- spiritual rejection (Catholics think you shouldn’t even be allowed to marry, in the middle east it is often viewed as less of a medical problem than a fate) and social rejection. Do we need to feel personally rejected too?

By: Margaret Houston

Margaret Houston — Fri, 26 Oct 2012 17:04:34 +0000

Brilliant post.

Also, “if you’re infertile, nature must be giving you a sign that you’re not supposed to have kids – you must have some other genetic weakness you’re not supposed to pass on to the next generation.”

And “hey, did you know there’s only about three days a month you can pregnant? As soon as my husband and I found that out, we got pregnant the next month.” I’m happy for you, really, I am, but I’ve been charting my temperature since six months before TTC-ing, I’ve read books on the topic, and good timing can’t repair a uterine septum, boost my ovarian reserve, and overcome all the other issues my husband and I have. So shut up.

By: Life is the process « thesamesky

Life is the process « thesamesky — Thu, 05 Jul 2012 20:23:16 +0000

[...] struggling to conceive and have a family. On that, I needn’t say any more (though I recommend this article that was written recently on the topic) because this is a part of my process that has, [...]

By: Humbird97

Humbird97 — Tue, 01 May 2012 14:18:43 +0000

This is our story as well. Thank you for giving voice to the pervasive pain of infertility/miscarriage/failed adoption. Having been through all of that, we wait still for an adoption placement. Nearly 38 and married 15 years, hubby and I cannot believe we are still waiting. ***hugs***

Rebecca

By: Jennie

Jennie — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 17:04:19 +0000

I’d like to add #17-”You don’t need to have kids, you can take mine.” No doubt jokingly said by an overly exhausted and frustrated parent, but the truth is I can’t have any kids. Not even yours.

At 26 I was told I would probably never be able to conceive. While still young, and not thinking about having children at that time in my life, I was devastated and mourned the loss of having the family I always dreamed of some day.
Years later my doctor told me of new drugs and procedures that may make pregnancy possible. Overjoyed with this new hope my husband and have tried to conceive. Now at 38 my body has decided that I really can’t conceive. I am mourning once again, and my husband and I coming to grips with a childless life.
Thank you for you blog.

By: scooby

scooby — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 15:06:19 +0000

As the husband of someone that cannot have children, I must say that I really appreciated reading this. My wife and I have tried five IVF cycles but things didn’t work out for us. Those were very stressful and emotionally taxing years. In that time we have heard all of the above comments and a few more. Some were said to my wife by “good” friends of hers, others were said by acquaintances that happened to know about our situation. The most interesting comment that I still can’t make sense of was one from one of my mother’s relatives. She told my wife, “Tell your husband to lose some weight and that will make everything work.” Admittedly, I am obese but it made my wife smile that someone thought for once that she wasn’t the problem and that it was me. I am happy to take some of the “blame” for not having kids, just to ease the burden and guilty looks that my wife has had to deal with over the years. We have come to terms with this fact. Occasionally I get sad about this. A little envious when I see my siblings growing into parenthood as my nephews and nieces get older. I don’t have an answer or advice for anyone going through this. The most I can say is to exhaust the options available to you. And if this does seem to be your “fate” (being childless), accept it and learn how to deal with it. A hole will always be there in your heart, a certain door is closed, and that door closing is a very painful and scarring experience. But there are other things in life, other opportunities, other doors, an other relationships that one should foster an learn to enjoy.

By: SugarMapleofLife

SugarMapleofLife — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 14:29:38 +0000

I was appalled by the comments on HP and decided to add to what you started on my blog. I needed an outlet to respond to the insanity. It seemed a better choice than arguing with people on HP. Obviously, I wouldn’t get anywhere. It really is brilliant and I am so thankful you took the time to write it. I applaud your bravery and honesty!

By: Kathy

Kathy — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 03:09:05 +0000

I just read this on HP. It’s basically me and my husbands story in a nutt shell. We tried all fertility treatments for about 3 1/2 of the hardest years in our relationship. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t feel the reminder of this loss. It seems like all my FB friends are pregnant, or just had a baby these days. We finished state foster and Spaulding classes for adoption in December and still have not had a placement yet. It sucks to go to foster parent dinners where all the great kids run around, when all you can do is watch. I’m getting older, and don’t know how long it will be for adoption to happen, but all we do is wait.

By: Elvis

Elvis — Fri, 27 Apr 2012 02:19:11 +0000

Great post LBR!
My wife and I battled through 6 miscarriages over the past few years and it really sucks when people feel the need to offer a solution – some people also feel the need to pump you for information which can be equally gruelling!

I would add NEVER show off your ultrasound photos or thrust your newborn at me. No one beyond your immediate family needs to see those grainy silhouettes – many of us associate those images with deep trauma. As for newborns, I’m so happy for you and celebrate the miracle of birth with all my heart – but I may not be ready for such an intimate reminder of what I have lost.

By: VPTUBNVH

VPTUBNVH — Thu, 26 Apr 2012 18:18:05 +0000

Can I use the code “CNBC” when talking to her? I think that code is VPTUBNVH ….
(very practical to use but not very human)