That’s what he said to me when he saw me. It’s true. He’s right. The circles we move in we are bound to see each other. I suppose when the moon and sun see each other it might be what they say. When one lives in the same circles one is bound to have some interlapping geometry.
I haven’t seen him for well over five years. The last time I was him was him right before we moved to Chicago. I felt like before we moved I should see him and tell him that I was going—-considering everything we had been through. I had seen him for nearly 11 years. He had been there when I moved from my twenties to my thirties. He was there when my dad died. He knew a me that was less mature and much more flibbertigibbet. The me he knew, who is no more, was much less secure and much more neurotic. That me would have never had the nerve to go up to him at an event. That girl would have hid from him and done her best to avoid his gaze and then obsessed about the anxiety she felt at being so close to the man who knew so much about her, in a place other than his oddly decorated and under-dusted analytic suite. I would have spent sessions exploring that anxiety. Actually I would have spent sessions not daring to talk about that anxiety and I would eventually, after much sturm und drang, admit to having seen him and then I would timidly discuss how uncomfortable it was to see him out of the context of our work and why that was—and how embarrassing it was to admit all of that.
Just last Monday I had dreamt of him. See one of the therapists I met at the Hillman conference told me she sees my old therapist for supervision. I could hear in the way her voice filled with light when she spoke his name that she idealizes him. I recognized it because I used to do it too. So when I got back from Santa Barbara my old analyst was on my mind. I dreamt about this Jungian analyst who I had not seen for five years and who I had seen for eleven years before that—the Jungian analyst who told me I was difficult and who I often found difficult to understand the point he was making in his pedantic rants about Persephone. In the dream it was now and I had gone back to see him and I hated being there. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I didn’t want to go back(noticing a theme?). I was hugely pissed off as I knew I didn’t belong there. When I told Igor about the dream he said, “I think this is a good sign.” I decided to agree with him even though I wasn’t sure how he came to that conclusion.
So when I saw him yesterday, standing tall in a crowd of those there to see Hillman talk about the Red book, the first thing I thought was that he looked older and the second thing I thought was that he is still wearing plaid shirts. The first time I passed him by he was in line with his peers, two other Jungians I had some less significant interlapping geometry with and yet enough to immediately remember their names. It wasn’t the moment to say hello and even as I decided that I felt none of the anxiety that the old me would have felt in this kind of proximity.
A short time later, as my friend and I were walking through the courtyard of the Hammer museum, I saw him again. He was right there to my right. He was too close to ignore. I walked up to him and said hello. I extended my hand in a way that said “if you are up for a hug I could be into that.” He awkwardly took my hand as if it was a lobster whose pinchers were not bound by a rubber band. I think I started the conversation. I think I said, “Hi, how are you?”
I think he said, “Fine.”
I think I said, “Good to see you.”
I think he said back, “It’s good to see you.”
Then an awkward feeling came, that moved in like a fast moving cloud. I could instantly feel that the awkwardness was his and not mine and as soon as I identified the source of the feeling I felt strangely liberated. As soon as I realized that it was him that was uncomfortable and not me I could feel all the evidence of the work I have done with Igor.
He asked me some questions that all sounded like statements:”You’re back from Chicago?You’re here in California? You’re living where?You’re practicing?”.
Even as he asked me those questions I could feel all the questions he didn’t dare ask: “Are you happy? Did you have a baby? Why are you back in Los Angeles? Are you less difficult? Is your mother less difficult? Do you still suffer the black dog of depression?.
As he asked me all these questions and didn’t ask me the others, I couldn’t stop staring at his teeth as much as I tried to force my eyes away from his mouth. In all the years that I had seen him I had never before been so close to him. We always had an analytic distance and that distance had prevented me from seeing his teeth. I know this sounds terribly cruel and petty but objectively and unquestionably my old analyst has some very bad teeth. If you saw him it would be one of the first things you noticed about him. He is a kind and warm and very bright man, you would likely notice those qualities too. You would also likely notice that he is somewhat socially awkward. But his teeth—you would have definitely noticed his teeth. What, I guess, astonishes me about his teeth is that I had spent two hours a week for a decade with this man and I had never before noticed them.
When I walked away from him, after telling him for a second time that it was good to see him, I was aware of the momentousness of the moment. I had seen my old analyst and he could see that I was a different me. It was obvious. I wasn’t the girl he had known before. I wasn’t at all uncomfortable seeing him. It was he who was uncomfortable seeing me. I wondered if he wondered how I had become the me who stood before him. I’m sure he did as the change was too significant to be missed by someone of his clinical curiosity. I’m sure he took some small credit for my new found confidence and yet I feel sure he was wondering who or what else might have happened that also deserved credit for this change.
For hours later, and even today, I feel a little puffed up with pride in witnessing myself in this interaction with my old analyst. In seeing him, in his plaid shirt and his awkwardness and how he feels very much the same man I said goodbye to five years ago, I felt even more aware of how far I have come. And to be really honest I can’t get over the shock of his teeth and for reasons I am not really able to articulate I think that that is a good sign.
Well good for you, keep patting yourself on the back! I think that noticing his teeth shows exactly how far you have come – look at what you wrote about how much agonising the old you would have gone through just to speak to him! it seems to me that anyone in such a precarious state would simply not be aware of something like the state of someone else's teeth because they are clearly already wrestling with too much of a serious problem to take in minor details like that.
If you see him again you could volunteer the answers to the unasked questions and astonish him even more!
I love the way you write … I was right there with you .. I have been right there in that situation many times .. not with analysts never had the luck of seeing one.. but have suffered with depression on and off through out the last fifteen years..
But having moved around so much I often bump into people that I haven't seen for years and have to almost re introduce myself, as I have grown as a person I think through the help of depression .. I am a more confident and different me.. I think you should be very proud that you have done the same and I think you are probably less infatuated with the man now and more realistic as to who he was and what part he played in helping you
Great post xx
Good for you! He had once held some degree of power over you, and now that he doesn't you're seeing his human flaws. Definitely a good sign.
Interesting how time and distance changes things….there was an awkwardness within him…you have moved on, and his teeth, my goodness, what a revelation!
I felt the tension here in your words and now feel that the fog has lifted and you are experiencing something new.
Beautiful writing about your evolution from the girl/patient that you were with this analyst to the woman/peer that you are now.
Congratulations to you. I am always amazed that with each move I have new experiences and the people left behind usually continue doing the same thing, remian in their own. That is usually comforting to me…I feel that if we don't move ahead we will fall behind!
Have a lovely week ahead and enjoy where you have come to!
xoxoxx
Go you! Moving ahead (and realizing that we have done so) can be exhilarating. That's so great.
It is a GREAT sign. I suspect he was never a good analyst for you and he must be devastated at realising that.
Yuk the limp handshake freaked me more than the bad teeth! xx
That's wonderful! You should feel proud! Interesting too your feelings towards him then and now. I wonder what the significance of the teeth is too. Maybe a peek behind the curtain?
xo
You kick ASS!
I'm fascinated by your fascination with the teeth.
Hi again – I have put the address in a comment to your comment.
Perhaps he thought you have grounds to sue? {Can't be forever Jung after all?}
'Black dog of depression' – that sound like a bitch if ever I heard one.
Plaid shirt, teeth and awkwardness – were you perhaps looking for faults to keep confidence levels high under stress?
That's all I saw – THOSE TEETH. As you stood talking to him I was mesmerized by his mouth; full of what are probably rotten teeth sadly. I also felt his unease – you were lovely with him, chatty, cheery and he was nervous to speak with you. I also don't know if you realized that he had a hard time looking you in the eye, which I felt was strange but revealing. xx
Well, if this isn't a cool turn of events, I don't know what is. Good on you Miss LBR! Isn't it amazing what we notice in situations like these?
Smiles at you,
tp
I definitely think that this is a good sign – that you can write about this meeting and also that you noticed an objective thing about him that you had not considered important before – his awful teeth….x
I wouldn't have had the nerve to approach him. You did a good thing for yourself.
Wow – amazing. Such validation to realize how far you've come!!! Congrats to you!!!
I have a fascination with teeth too. Can't help myself. There are all sorts of teeth out there, and they all have stories to tell.
Wow! What a wonderful story of a growing up and becoming more than at one time seemed possible. Congratulations.
You've come a long way even in the past few years that I've known you so I'm not at all surprised that you surprised him. In fact, I thought you might even be going to say that he didn't recognize you. Ridiculous, of course but change on the inside can go far to making someone previously known into a present stranger. I think that may have been part of what happened.
So far as noticing his teeth is concerned and the fact they aren't 'good' teeth I'll have to go out on a limb derived from my own experience. Bad teeth make us cringe because they make us think of pain. We can't avoid the pain, but we can do something about the suffering and you have.
It sounds like it was a growthful moment for you. Something of a looking back at a horrid milestone for you. Congrats!
~TattingChic ♥
interesting and i am so glad for you, that you had to talk to him and then discovered it was HIM that was the uncomfortable one! that's fabulous! YAY for you!
xoxo
Alienne: I think my fear and neurosis prevented me from seeing lots of things. Now I feel like I am seeing a lot of things more clearly and am more able to face old fears. Yeah, I am feeling pretty proud of myself.
And I think your suggestion is a great one. If I see him again I will do just that. Oh, and thanks for the link!
Wildernesschic: Thank you so much for your VERY kind comment. It feels good to be able to take you all there—it makes me feel less alone in the memory of this. I am not sure if that makes any sense.
And I so appreciate you sharing your own struggles with depression. Depression definitely changed me and I am grateful for the lessons it taught me about myself.
Deja Pseu: It feels good to know that the spell is broken.
hostess of the humble bungalow : It is interesting to see how little has changed in him—except his teeth. That was the only thing that I noticed was different.
Belle de Ville : Thank you so much for that feedback. It means a lot to me tat you see beauty in this transformation.
MrsLittleJeans: I know that my move to Chicago demanded me to grows in ways that I wouldn't have if we had stayed here and coming back has required a different kind of growth.
The Storialist: It feels great.
Make Do Style: I think you are more right than you can know. And, yeah, his anxiety about taking my hand was a bit creepy. His hugs were FEW and when they happened they lacked Igor's bear hug intensity.
Cheryl : The teeth do seem symbolic of something. I am curious if they are going to show up in my dreams. I'll let you know if they do.
K.Line: Just call me Mrs. Tae Bo!;-)
WendyB: If you saw his teeth I feel sure you would have been fascinated. See So-Lovely's comment. She too couldn't take her eyes off of them.
Alistair: I didn't stay forever Jung. After ten years of Jung I started getting more psychodynamic/psychoanalytic.
'Black dog of depression' is a BIG FAT BITCH.
See So Lovely's comment below. You'll see that I wasn't the only one who saw these flaws.
"I was aware of the momentousness of the moment." Indeed, dear! This is lovely and encouraging to read.
So Lovely : I am so grateful you were there to co-sign my sense of this. I felt a bit awful admitting here that I couldn't take my eyes off his teeth. Thank you, my friend, for your comment and for being there.
I didn't know that he wasn't looking in my eyes because my eyes were on his teeth.;-) But it does seem strange that he was so uncomfortable. Very strange, huh?
thepreppyprincess: Between this and what happened with Hillman, I feel on fire and filled with confidence. It's not a bad feeling.;-)
Semi Expat: The writing about an event like this really helps to integrate it. I sometimes wonder how people who don't write are able to integrate big experiences.
Lisa: My sense of you is that you are fearless. I bet not only would you have said hello but you might have recommended a good dentist!;-)
HeidiG: Thank you! And on a side note yesterday I was wearing an outfit that you inspired.
Angie: Seeing bad teeth always makes me aware of one thing I am grateful to my parents for: braces!
Mardel: I don't even know when the change occurred. But the fact that it has happened is undeniable.
susan: You know, at first, I don't think he did recognize me physically. And then, I feel sure, that he really didn't recognize my new way of being.
I think my association to his teeth are that he doesn't seem to be interested in this world, in the ego and in everyday life. The state they are in seems to relate to his neglect of the physical world. And I do think part of my struggle in my work with him is that I wanted to get out of my mind and do things to make my *life* better. I don't think they were goals he related to or that he could help me with.
sallymandy: I am delighted that you find encouragement in this. Thank you.
❦TattingChic: Now that I know you are a Jung lover, I wish you had been there for the Hillman event. I highly recommend you to go see the Jung Redbook at the Hammer. It is an extraordinary show and one worth seeing.
linda: Sooo great to see you!!! I've missed you. I hope you are feeling well and that one of your birthday gifts is health.:-))))
Girl, he knows you were the best he ever had.
It's a bit like the first time I saw the legs of the boy I was obsessed with for 2 years.
Very Skinny.
Very Hairy.
Cured!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Big Ups to you Lady Belette!
xuxu
http://www.frenchshelter.blogspot.com
I have a feeling by the way you described his beahaviour that he may need to sit on your couch for a while! Seriously he sounds really gauche and somewhat lacking in social grace and confidence. Do you think Igor would let so many unanswered questions hang in the air?
But yes you are clearly much stonger than he.
It's so interesting how complex the relationship between a person and the person who's meant to de-complicate their life is. I'm glad you've resolved stuff and de-complicated it yourself
xxx
if a short cinematic gestalt was to be constructed out of this story: it would be some nervous, reverberant [shaky?] juxtapositions of his teeth, the word 'flibbertigibbet' in serif, the plaid shirt, glimpses of an uneasy handshake, a cubist painting– a picasso? from the hammer [and an atonal strindberg andante in the background].
i like the resolution.
It wasn't the years of growth and exploration and reflection and perseverance, but the fact that you've been juicing up à la Mark McGwire. Be honest.
I think I might brush my teeth a third or even a fourth time today, just to be on the safe side.
Good for you! Feels good to move forward doesn't it? and to not have that anxiety you know you would have had in the past… ahhhh.
Anna: I fear he thinks I was likely his most difficult one.
French Shelter: Skinny and hairy? That would definitely cure me.
indigo16: I just saw Igor and he agrees with you. Igor would have given me a bear hug and asked me all kinds of real questions. The relationship with Igor feels real and authentic and the relationship with the other analyst felt awkward and intellectual. I prefer the former to the later.
pretty face: You make a good point. And if the therapy adds to the complication and confusion it is probably not the right therapy.
sub-urbanrambler: I like your treatment for this story. If was making a film I would definitely have you be the director of it. You have a cinematic eye and ear.
p.s. It is so lovely to see you here.:-)))
Randal: Yes, I will admit to performance enhancing hormones. Does that impact your sense of my psychological super powers?;-)
Since seeing my old analyst I have become an OCD flosser and I am okay with that.
Shanster: It is nice to actually see and feel the growth in such a concrete way. I really feel like I've come along way, baby!;-)
Wow- congrats on this triumphant moment. Its so hard when past meets present and you met it head on and won with flying colors.
A belated congratulations on the 500th post!
Is it more difficult seeing an old therapist than seeing an old boyfriend?
What did our mother's tell us about men in plaid shirts? I'm trying to remember…
Teeth can be a focal point for me, and reading about them in your post made me smile. The humanity and truth from which you write draws me back here again and again. I can't wait to read your words in a book book!
Time and distance and change allow us to see things we never could have at the time.
What a strange, yet insight-filled meeting!