I don’t really consider myself to have many O.C.D. like qualities, except when under extreme stress I do need to check to see if I have locked the door and/or turned off my flat iron. But since my behavior does not meet the DSM-IV’s diagnostic criteria for O.C.D. I don’t worry too about it much, that is except when I am sure that I have left the flat iron on and the door unlocked and I am an hour away from home and I am convinced that someone is going to walk in the house and steal Lily and/or that the house is going to catch on fire and Lily will die a horrible death and it will be all my fault. But other than that I don’t worry.
However I am big on rituals. Maybe my love of rituals came from being a cultural Episcopalian. We Episcopalians are very proud of our liturgy, our Women’s league cookbooks, and the fact that we aren’t big on rules( that last quality is fodder for another post). Or maybe it was all the years of Jungian training I have done. I don’t know, I just know that I have lots of rituals.
I have morning rituals that begin with me donning the vestments of morning, my white terry-cloth Brooks Brothers robe. Then I go to the alter of my granite counter top where the sacred beans had earlier been transformed through the magical and alchemical chamber of the Cuisinart Grind and Brew and I pour forth 18 ounces of this steamy, sacred and mind-expanding elixir into my Chicago mug. I add exactly two teaspoons of granular sweetness and a precise glurp of half and half. Mindfully and meditatively I drink the ceremonial beverage of Incas or Aztecs , or whichever indigenous peoples it was who discovered French Roasted coffee. Once my first sip is taken, and only then, can I sit on the sofa and check my email and scan the New York Times web page to see if the world is still there. When these rituals are complete then I am free to begin my day.
My evening ritual is less complicated but more embarrassing. He-weasel and I have a long list of things we must say each to other before we go to sleep. I have heretofore never shared this evening ritual. Let the embarrassment begin:
He-weasel says: Night-night.Sleep tight don’t let the bed bugs bite, and if they do hit them with a shoe. Sweet dreams. I love you.
My response: Night-night. Sleep tight, Don’t let the bed bugs bite. If they do, bite them back or squeeze them tight. Sweet dreams and I love you.
We have been saying this same and simple and, perhaps, nauseatingly cute ritual for 18 years. I can count on one hand the nights we haven’t said it. And each time we haven’t said it, whether due to being apart because of travel or if our ritual was pre-empted because one of us fell asleep first, neither have felt right. It was as if all night something was just not right. As I am not a big believer in the ‘don’t go to bed angry golden rule’, I feel sure that our bedtime ritual as well as other rituals have served as a glue for us during some very difficult times. I feel so sure of their power that I often wonder where we would be without them.
He-weasel always opens and closes my car door for me, it is a ritual and one that has strict rules. We have rituals about sneezes, fallen eyelashes and dozens of other ordinary things. Some may dismiss some of our rituals as mere manners or even silliness. However I believe that there is a symbolical power that whenever we are out and walking we never let anything come between us( whether a person/ a post or a tree) without saying, “bread and butter” or some other thing that sticks together. This ritual is a simple way of saying, “I want to be with you and I don’t want anything to come between us.”
It won’t be surprising to learn that I have birthday rituals. Each year—except the last one—ever since I could drive a car, I have almost always gone to the beach on my own and done a year in review and set goals for the year to come. Last year I felt too bad about my life to come up with any sense of hope for the coming year and I was too low in energy to face the L.A. freeways. This year I am in a different place and there will most certainly be a trip to Redondo Beach.
This week is the week before my birthday and I decided some new birthday rituals were in order. Cleaning and clearing are my new birthday week ritual. I did a total clean and clear of my closet. I took everything out of it and decided if each item was going to spend another year in my closet or if it was time for it to move onto the Rainbow Services Women’s Shelter Thrift Shop or to the trash. It was a big job but it left me with a well organized closet and two bags of items to donate. I was so energized by the closet clear that I went on to completely organize my bathroom and I got rid of every moisturizer, conditioner and lipstick that did not live up to their promise—into the product graveyard they went. What remains are only clothes and cosmetics that I love and actually use. Today I am taking on my files.
These cleaning and clearing rituals feel important, like I am letting go of what doesn’t work and making room for what does. It feels important.
Here is what the American Mythologist, Joseph Campbell, said about ritual:
A ritual is the enactment of a myth. And through the enactment it brings to mind the implications of the life act that you are engaged in. Now, people ask me, what rituals can we have today? My answer is, what are you doing? What is important in your life? What is important, they say, is having dinner with their friends. That is a ritual.
This is the sense of T.S. Eliot’s The Cocktail Party. A cocktail party is a ritual. It is a religious function in that way, and those people are engaged in a human relationship thing. This is the Chinese idea, the Confucian idea, that human relationships are the way you experience the Tao. Realize what you’re doing when you’re giving a cocktail party. You are performing a social ritual. You are conducting it when you sit down to eat a meal, you are consuming a life.
When you’re eating something, this is something quite special to do. And you ought to have that thought when you eat a carrot as well as when you eat an animal, it seems to me. But you don’t know what you’re doing unless you think about it. That’s what a ritual does. It give you an occasion to realize what you’re doing so that you’re participating in the inevitable energy of life in its exchanges. That’s what rituals are for; you do things with intention, and not just in the animal way, ravenously, without knowing what you’re doing.
I wonder what Campbell would make of my ritual of attempting to peel my orange in one unbroken piece.
My breakfast ritual lacks the elegance of your, primarily because I prepare it at school. It does involve a coffee which washes down two toasted tea cakes which then sets me up for at least my first lesson.
I guess walking the dog has become a bit of a ritual,I like to walk the dog alone inane wittering just gets in the way of evaluating my day/life/future/daydreams.
My daily night time ritual is considerably shorter than yours, it involves the same six words every night not uttered with any remote tenderness! "Get off and leave me alone"
Ha I knew I would be the first one day.
In my haste to reply I forgot to tell you I found an excellent interview with your literary twin Dave Eggers in the Observer yesterday. I was so entranced I may try reading him this Easter holiday.
http://www.guardian.co.uk/books/2010/mar/07/dave-eggers-zeitoun-hurricane-katrina
I love my own rituals, so I love this post! They're definitely the glue that holds me together.
Congratulations on clearing your life of past and unwanted things and on making space for new, wonderful things!
Going to the beach to reflect on the past year and make resolutions sounds like a great ritual! I make a picasa collage with pictures of my wishes for the new year and hang it in the wall facing my desk, to remember where to focus my energy in the new year.
As for your nightime ritual, and the ritual when you are walking together with He-weasel: you and so cute!!!
My husband and I don't have so much of a ritual, except that we have to hug each other and tell each other I love you. I don't think it's something really conscious, it just doesn't feel right to go to sleep otherwise.
As for my morning rituals, pre-babies they would be: 1/2 hour of meditation, shower, breakfast reading the news and off to work. Post babies they are more routines than rituals, and they don't include any of the above at least until 11 am, sometimes later in the day-and yes, breakfast included
Happy almost Birthday, lovely Belette. I love your list of manners… I mean rituals. I wish the general population would have more rituals too, particularly while in public. I'm sick of being grossed out on a daily basis.
OMG I LOVE THIS POST! We have quite a number of things in common so I don't feel so 'different', anymore. My husband and I have this sickening ritual of, "I love you, sleep tight, sweet dreams" WITHOUT fail every night no matter where on earth each one may be. If he's away the one who'll go to bed first will call and wish. If we had an argument we still say it no matter how crooked one's face had to be to be saying just that LOL. But you guys win the trophy for being the hopeless romantics, and I do say so earnestly! I mean who opens and holds the door for his wife anymore? ;D
I have to have my orange peeled in one unbroken piece, my potatoes and apple peeled vertically and my lip balm applied first on my face before anything else.
Unlike you, I do consider myself with the OCD because it bothers me if I don't/can't get to do things in a certain order.
Regarding peeling the orange, Campbell might say you are recalling the lyrics from the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's rendition of "Will The Circle Be Unbroken."
Regarding peeling the orange, Campbell might say you are recalling the lyrics of The Nitty Gritty Dirt Band's rendition of "Will The Circle Be Unbroken."
I love a ritual too my morning one is carrot, apple and ginger through the juicer. I need these three things together to function.
I do need more ritual to re-organise my life and step away from the computer, a hangover from my dissertation.
Love the sound of your clearing out so good for you and do enjoy the beach. I need that ritual too xx
PS my bowels are fine, I don't suffer from constipation and I'm not tight with money, these days using it to become solvent again – phew!!
Well have you got me thinking! Huh, I thought as I started reading your blog, Rituals? Not for me, no way.. no ,probably not… no, hold on, how about that thing I do with my hairbrush every evening? …… So you see, ma chere Belette Rouge, in one posting you have destabilised my illusion of stability; you have rocked the foundation of this everyday ritual that we call "le quotidien".
Thank you so much for this and all your other postings that I rarely miss, and always enjoy!
How marvelous that you are feeling energized to do some pre-birthday thinkings. Can't wait to hear about your discoveries.
I think it would indicate a competitive nature, even if it is a covert one
. My morning ritual is exactly as your sans the robe. I do love my french roast
I tried to comment on your post on Friday yesterday saying that I hope the PMS had gone, but internet was a bitch and wouldn't let me.
It sounds like you've moved onto happier topics i.e. your BIRTHDAY! See, everything IS transitory.
Sorry, this might win record for most random comment ever. I am not sure that I have rituals myself, although I did muse today for a whole half hour on what it would be like to go to sleep and wake up at the same time every day so that I got 9 hours sleep a night, go for a run every day, eat breakfast at midday, work until dinner…
It did sound idyllic but then it slowly turned to boring and I decided that I would have to introduce weekends on Wednesdays and Saturdays to break up the monotony xx
I love your rituals. They sound comforting. Maybe I should adopt some of my own!
You have cute rituals…I am reading Campbell, an old favorite, and seriously thinking about it…hmmm. I need to rethink only because I think I have a lot of worthless rituals and I constantly try to break out of them..maybe those are habits? I don't like to be controlled…weird!
Anyhow, the goals of clearing and simplifying are the most liberating and I did a few days of that before christmas and again I have to do more because I did not complete. I hope you accomplish all of yours. I should also visit the thrift shop you are giving to, I have a feeling good things are going there : )
I am so thrilled for your birthday week and weekend!
Have a great Monday!
xoxo
I was having dinner with some people yesterday and someone asked me what I did in my free time. I had no idea how to answer that because it feels like I'm always working on some project, or thinking about the project. Then I thought, I love hanging out with my friends and family (sister specifically). Whether spending long visits with them, or talking face to face, on the phone or online, that's when I set my work aside and that's a ritual that keeps me feeling connected to the rest of the human race.
Belette, what a charming post, I love your rituals and I can almost smell and taste your morning coffee. Well done for sorting out your closet, the process is so cathartic. A good clear out is long overdue in my house.
XX
What a wonderful post.
Cleaning out the closet is very refreshing and freeing…I feel that you open up to new possibilities when these have been accomplished.
I think you and He Weasel have a lovely night time ritual…what face creams did you keep?
I think rituals are so very important, so this post was excellent!
And as for the orange peel in one piece thing I had to laugh….G does the same thing and will always get so proud of himself when he accomplishes it!
This is the week before my birthday as well… How's that for a coincidence!?!? I should have guessed you are a Pisces!!
Lots of love! XXX
A great post, lovely Belette, and very timely as I've also been thinking about the rituals and symbolism that is part of life. I think rituals are a way of affirming intention and they can be very positive and powerful. Much love and magical moments. xx
I loved this post, Belette! I was thinking yesterday, "MY god! If she thinks her blog is silly & shan't go on, what the hell must she think of mine!!!" (Don't answer that!
lol!) You are such a great writer!!!!! It is funny how seasons create cyclical purges in people…I too am on this huge room by room clean…I may have to blog about that! 
CM
My son, Jake & I sing (and have since he was about 3) the old Laurence Welk Song, "Goonight, sleep tight, and pleasant dreams to you, here's a wish…." Now that he is getting long in the tooth (12) it is fading….it makes me sad, yet I suppose most 15 year old young men don't sing LW w/their mama's much now a days.
Cecily and I have a "Girl" book instead. Since she was in 5th grade we have passed this blank journal back and forth, writing to each other words of anger, encouragement, embarassment, apology. I will treasure it always, and it is one of the things I obsess over when I start to think I left my flat iron on and my house is going to burn down….
xxoo
I share at least one ritual with you; never let something come in between you and your partner or friend when you walk in the street; an old family habit that I was brought up with! I have had other rituals, but they are gone or changed as life goes on. Part of today's more or less daily rituals is of course to blog an check other blogs!
belle Belette, what a beautiful post. clearly some good stuff is churning inside of you, out with all that you don't need. and 'for keeps' for all that enriches and beautifies your life. what a lovely place to be coming to…
I am wishing you a beautiful birthday week. while you are taking account of your life, your past year… please please know that you have added inteligence and insight to my days and i appreciate it greatly.
you share the gift of yourself, please tick off the 'cool person!' box when thinking of your doings for the past year.
have a wonderful week!!
I always worry about the flat iron and the dogs dying in a house fire too!
What a sweet and romantic marriage you're in, Bel!
You know, for certain reasons, lately I have had to give up coffee. I really only ever drink 1 a day (occasionally 2) but to give up that morning coffee is very sad for me. I miss it tremendously. More than I ever thought I would. Decaf just doesn't work for me (though I continue to give it a try). So you enjoy your rituals and be grateful for the comfort they give you xo
Tea, my most important ritual is tea, made the way my dad taught me although Pater and I have found our own tea blend — Dad made do with teabags, as long as the tea packed in them was good and strong; we use a smoky looseleaf blend I think he would have liked. It's very, very important to scald the pot, to bring fresh cold water to a boil, etc., etc., and I don't like it quite as much if it's not in the proper mug.
Enjoy the build-up to your birthday — I'm envying you that sense of freedom from clutter . . . but I'm happy for you, really . . .
I love the idea of a pre-birthday declutter, clearing out. What a great way to start your new year.
I was thinking that my life is lacking in ritual, but I do drink coffee and every Saturday I make pancakes. But otherwise I'm all over the place (except with the kid — every night we do a variation of "Good night . . . sleep tight . . . don't let the bedbugs bite" too). Still, there is not enough ritual and it's true that rituals add something.
This was a wonderful post, by the way.
I too have a healthy dash of OCD, just enough to make me anal and a tad neurotic. There are certain things I need to do Mon – Fri and if something unscheduled disrupts these rituals, it throws me completely off balance. My boyfriend is a very patient man
Belette of the Dear Hearts Club:
what a peaceful and life-embracing postito. Thank you.
I am very excited to read more about your marriage and your negotiations within. As a kidling of fucked up parents too, I need a good example…which is not to age you, just to ask you if you could send me in the directions of marriage posts that you have written.
O Belette. I am so glad you exist.
XuXu
http://www.frenchshelter.blogspot.com
Brilliant! Your description of your morning routine made me think of Frasier Crane – "If I am robbed of the richness of my morning routine, I cannot function…it is the magic that is me."
ha ha.
I love the comfort of ritual.
I always try to do something special on my birthday too – and always on my own. I'm not sure what I'll do this year but I like your idea of doing a clear out, and then doing a year in review and setting goals for the next.
Inspiring lady, you are
xx
So sweet that you shared your rituals with us! Bedbugs and bread and butter don't translate well in French, but we almost never get through an entire meal alone together without a little kiss or two. At first it was just by accident, now we do it on purpose. We often don't eat cheese after (gasp!) but there's always kisses
Also, as soon as I get on the bus to go home, I am ALWAYS convinced I have forgotten to lock the door to the computer lab where I work, thus allowing degenerate college hooligans to steal all the computers. Luckily I will stop working there this summer and I can worry about not locking other things instead.
Before we sleep we say 'night God bless and sweet dreams'. I drink my morning coffee in bed and recite a mantra of gratitude for the day. I have icons of those I love who are far away I greet when I arise. I wear a sleeping unicorn on my left hand whenever I leave the house. Rituals are everywhere and what we think, we become.
Man, you guys are sappy.
Before we saunter off to the Land of Nod, one of us mumbles in grammatically incorrect English to turn off the goddamn light/DVD player, which certainly counts as a ritual, whereby we transmute our awake scowling for the scowling of sleep. Now that's alchemy.
cool blog!
Oh, my your rituals sound so nice; but then I love ritual and think life would be rather meaningless without them (is that the Episcopalian influence?). Great post, and congratulations on the cleaning and clearing in preparation for a new year.
I'm kind of doing the same thing, although it is house-wide, and head-wide too as I seem to be shaking out a lot of old dead harmful thoughts along the way. sorry to have been absent so much lately.
Great post LBR – I think rituals bring comfort to one's life… yes, comfort and security and it is for this reason that I LOVE them…
indigo16:LOL! I love your night time ritual. I am sure that your mian isn't as keen on it.
And thanks so much for sharing the Eggers article with me. It is a great interview. Let me know what you think of his writing, should you take a read.
Gillian: So much of life is change, it is nice to have some things that are constants.
Marcela: It feels so nice to have everything organized and to only have things I love. It is a great start for a new year.
You got me thinking,as you often do, about the difference between routine and ritual. I may have to write about that.
Angie: Thank you for the early birthday wish. I am doing my best to celebrate BIG!
Lynn: It is always nice to learn that we aren't so odd after all(not that I mind being odd). "If we had an argument we still say it no matter how crooked one's face had to be to be saying just that LOL." I say relate to that. Sometimes I say our ritual with a very screwed up face and lacking in genine scentiment—-but I still say it.
Jeff:LOVE it. Yes, I feel sure that Joe Campbell was a big fan of Skynard.
Make Do Style: Your juice sounds wonderful and so healthy.
I wish I could get you to come over to my closet to take a look and tell me what I need to add to my wardrobe.
Sharon:Didn't mean to destabilise you. Sorry!;-)
Thank you for your VERY kind comment!!!
Sal: I will definitely do a post-birthday ritual post.
Julianne: You are right, I am covertly competitive. You are good!
enc: I'll loan you a few of mine if you want.
MrsLittleJeans: I am going to a Campbell lecture on Thursday night. I plan to write about it. It is on the Heroes Journey: The Return Phase. I find the Return phase to be the most difficult.
Cheryl: Freetime? I don't even know what that is. I am always working on something. He-weasel who has a full-time/normal job says that I work more than him and I am not yet working in any real way. If I do have freetime it is talking to friends.
Dash: I am so glad you enjoyed. And, I highly reccomend the closet clean. It feels so lovely to have it done.
LPC:Thank you!
hostess of the humble bungalow said: Ooh, you have inspired a post. I will do a post on the skincare I kept. Thank you!!!
Kalee: G is VERY right to be proud of himself. Not your average mortal can peel an orange in a single strip.;-)
Lena: I knew you were a Pisces. I could just feel it!!!
Carol Anne:I am so glad you like it. With your fiction theme I would imagine you definitely understand the importance of rituals and symbols. Have you read Campbell? I think you would love him.
Red Shoes for Rwanda: I am a much harsher judge of myself than I am of others. I love your blog. It is my blog that I spend all my critical energy on.;-)
Your kind compliment has my inner critic at a loss for words. Thank you!
I used to watch Lawrence Welk with my grandmother so I know that song. What a cute ritual you have and what wonderful memories you are giving your children! They are so very lucky to have such a wonderful mother.
Peter: Do you say something if something comes between you and your friend/loved one? Just curious. I have never met another who shares this ritual.
l'air du temps: I am so deeply touched by your lovely comment. Thank you!!! I will add your sweet words to my list of accomplishments.
WendyB: It is a horrible feeling to be an hour away from home when my flat iron fear is triggered.
K.Line: We are a bit sappy but I like it.
I am so sorry that you have had to give up coffee. It is one of the main pleasures of my life. Is that sad?
materfamilias: Tea is loaded with ritual—much more than coffee. I try and love tea because I like all the ritual. Alas I am a coffee girl.
Lisa: I have never done it before, the clutter clear, but I do think it is going to be a part of my annual birthday build up.
Jennifer :Saturday pancakes definitley count as a ritual. If you feel like you want more rituals, I highly reccomend "The Book of New Family Traditions: How to Create Great Rituals for Holidays & Everydays" by Meg Cox.
Sara Louise: "anal and a tad neurotic" are two of my favorite qualities.
French Shelter: I don't think I have written much about my marriage directly. And I fear I am not a good example. The only I reason I have a good marriage:
1. LUCK
2. I married someone kinder, more patient, and more forgiving than meI am.
4.Nearly 20 years of therapy.
5.Adolph Guggehnbuhl Craig's book "marriage dead or alive"( a fantastic Jungian take on marrige).
That is my entire guide to marriage. Unimpressive, huh? Sorry I couldn't do better for you.
FS, I think you and I are in a mutual admiration society meeting and I am very happy to be here with you.:-)))
green ink: Thank you!!! I love that Frasier quote. I am so stealing it!!
Happy if I helped you come up with part of your bday ritual. I hope you write about what you actually do.
Andromeda: I wish I had called this post "Bedbugs and bread and butter". I love that title. Thank you for giving it to me.
Kissed through dinner have to be fantastic for the digestion and of course it is terribly romantic.
I do find when I eliminate one worry another one pops up. I wonder if there is a worry quota that our psyche demands. Kind of like the idea of a set-point in weight. Maybe not!;-)
I think having that many rituals qualifies you as an institution, doesn't it?
susan:"a sleeping unicorn on my left hand whenever I leave the house"? I would love to hear more about this.
Randal: We are sappy. I like us that way.;-) Scowling in your sleep? You aren't doing it right if it makes you scowl.
Allegra: Thanks!
Mardel: Clearing a whole house is a wonderful thing but a whole lot of work. I hope all is well with you. I have missed you!!!
Semi Expat:Thank you! I wish I had asked all of you to share a ritual with me that is important to you. I am very curious.
tattytiara: Would that mean I would be a non-profit and tax exempt?
I love your words and thoughts, your cleaning and clearing rituals, as much as the quote.
It resonates with me, and I would hope, with the world over. I feel so many people in our society are animalistic in their hobbies, intents, thoughtlessness, as if it's a religion of neglect.
Thank you for the thought provoking post.
Belle, I knew I loved you, but that you say "bread and butter"! Now that seals it up–you are perfect! I think you are the only other person I've met who does that! I like to try to peel my apple in one piece–done it a few times, but an orange? Wow!
I am glad to hear you will do your beach ritual this year for your birthday. May your list be filled with happy goals and beautiful outcomes!