There was a time, long before the infertility years, when my PMS was so bad that He-weasel would put the anticipated date of Aunt Flo on his calendar just so as to be prepared. It was kind of like a hormonal storm tracker that he kept in his Filofax reminding him what days it might be best to come home with brownies and to remind himself that no matter what I said the correct response was, “You are so beautiful and thin and you are highly intelligent”
I haven’t for many-many months felt the kind of PMS that is emotionally destabilizing, fight inducing or the kind that was so severe it would make me think about leaving He-weasel. Sure, each month when Aunt Flo would visit, I would cry at every commercial with kids in it; I would need chocolate, heating pad and a bottle of Midol. But that is to be expected, at least for me.
Today at 4:00 p.m. I was hit by the kind of PMS that requires an evacuation, a trip to Home Depot to stock up on supplies, and two week supply of food( carbs in particular). It came on fast and furious and out of nowhere. Just hours earlier I had been feeling great about the run I took on the treadmill and about a great referral source for my practice and how great my skin was looking after a Triple-Oxygen mask. I was positively glowing with good feelings.
But when the hormones hit I felt like I had swallowed a whole stink bug. My runners high is nowhere to be seen and I now feel lower than a snake’s hips. The PMS hadn’t been here for even five minutes before it started telling me that I am fat, ugly, stupid and that my blog is stupid and that I should just take pictures of L.A. or of clothes or only post pictures of Lily. PMS even suggested I just take down the whole stupid blog as who the f*ck cares what I think. PMS, is a bitch and may, I think, be a liar. However it does have a voice of authority and it all feels so true now that it is here. I know I will likely feel differently when it is gone.
I feel bad for He-weasel, he will be home soon and he doesn’t stand a chance against this level of PMS. He will surely do, say or not do or say something that will totally piss PMS off and he doesn’t even know to bring home brownies.
its so not fair we have to deal with this every month! my mister knows to just completely ignore me by now!
Professor Moody Sourpuss requires a bag of potato chips and the champagne to dip them in.
What you're describing sounds like what I imagine Holly Golightly's "mean reds" must've felt like. So you have literary PMS, if that's any consolation.
Wish I could bring you a bottle of champagne and a box of Teuscher right now.
Because my periods were always long and irregular, I never knew who the "real" me was: that bitch who would leave her house and hearth at a moment's notice because of all the "wrongness" that was there, or that rather nice, intelligent woman just trying to do the right thing. Thank God for menopause… and a little Celexa. No more raging mood swings, no more blinding put-you-to-bed for three days or three weeks migraines, and all the rest. I'd suggest you just have to wait it out, but that would be cruel. I hope there is something out there now that wasn't there twelve years ago and earlier that can help you get through these times. Hang tough in the meantime!
I'm a new reader, struggling with involuntary childlessness (due to endometriosis, so I can relate to what a bitch periods can be). I'm enjoying your blog so much that I'm slowly going back and trying to read from the beginning. I, for one, sure care that you keep blogging! Don't let that damn PMS tell you different, you gorgeous, slim, intelligent thing you!
PMS makes me ravenous. I like to eat anything that isn't nailed down. Salty, sweet, spicy, cheesy, crunchy, cold , hot. A bottomless pit. Katy bar the doors, 'cause here come!
Thank all that is holy for the treadmill and surfing, or I'd be a cow.
And now I'm craving a triple oxygen face treatment.
Yeah, a spa day. With food and champagne.
Sorry that PMS is having its wicked way with you. Cocktails. It's what's for dinner. The other white meat.
Stay! Stay! Stay!
PMS sucks so big. I am in the midst of it myself and I'm so freakin' hostile towards everything and everyone. I don't know how peeps are going to get through this, given my state of mind. So I commiserate, B.
Oh my… Eat all you can find…
Fat, sugar, salt, carbs… Then just sit and cry and be pissy and scream and… Tomorrow will be another day…
lots of love XXX
Immediate and huge amounts of chocolate are needed!! Go get lots and wait for that nonsense-speaking PMS to be over. We'll all be waiting here, waiting for the real Belette to come back.
I don't know what to say only to let you know that your PMS voice is lying to you…the blog is wonderful, you are beautiful, your skin is lovely and all the rest.
I tell you as a chemist I am always fascinated/amazed at how a small changes in hormone levels (a simple molecule) have such dramatic effects…it blows my mind thinking about it.
I always tell myself that it is what it is, and that it will pass!
You know I think men go through these cyclic hormonal changes too but I think they respond differently…at least that is my theory based on the male professors I see
Love ya and Lily
xoxo
I feel for you, honey, I really do. Hang on in there. This too will pass – you know it will.
Oh Belette, I did laugh when I read this post, I am exactly the same when I have PMS, and Monsieur Grognon writes 'Danger Dash' in his diary.
Belette.
Listen here Sister.
You are awesome!!
You are unstoppable!!
And, be noted, humble to boot.
Fuck PMS. In. The. Butt.
Go get yourself a Christian Side-Hug
or even watch this:
http://video.mytaratata.com/video/iLyROoaft-JD.html
It will make you cry from the beauty of it. And that. is always good when we are PMSing.
I hug you. Tightly, but not so tightly as to annoy you.
XuXu
http://www.frenchshelter.blogspot.com
Belette – you must not shut your blog down.
End of.
Sending hugs, love, and bright wishes. xx
Hi sweetie, I also battle PMS every month too. Every month I become someone I'm not and when it's finished I'm hit by a horrendous period which leaves me almost bloodless and then after a few days of peace, PMS starts slowly again. Hugs. A.
Well, that bitch might be powerful, she might swoop down unexpectedly and tell you mean things, but she couldn't put a dent in your fabuulous writing and your great sense of humour. You know we love you, belette, and your blog! Just ignore her. Oh, and good luck to Mr. B.
Great posting LBR. Gone are the days when I could blame anything on the hormone bronco ride. Now I get its equivalent just from the ebb and flow of my boat ride through my 60s. Certainly Bikram yoga helps me to stabilize my moods. Sometimes. But reality of getting along in years coupled with the fear that I've peaked as an artist/writer can drive my internal weather into an invitation to all self-searing gremlins to torture me. The beauty of it all: PMS, discouragement, lack of self esteem….they're, thank the Goddess, emotions and thoughts that run in cycles. The challenge being to ride the waves and know the sun will come out tomorrow….as it finally did here in Boston.
I suffer from the same thing…PMDD – at it's finest. It is so bad that The Captain, who I've been dating for four months is already aware of it and marks it on his calendar.
Helpful hints…do NOT eat carbs. Eat Salmon, flax seed oil, anything with extra Omega 3's…also Rainbow Light PMS vitamins. They are wonder drugs. Or extra vitamin E and B6 if you can't find rainbow light PMS vitamins but you need both E and B6 because they work together.
Hang in there…keep quiet and still and remind yourself it isn't real.
much love
Wonderfully put even though I sincerely wish you were not suffering in any way at all. I like Deja Pseu's explaination. From now on I'll suffer the mean reds. And you have all my sympathy. You are not fat, stupid nor should you stop blogging. Love you xx
Has He-Weasel thought about investing in a PMS-detecting Doppler system or perhaps a suit of plate mail armor?
And you should get a punching bag and can place up various pictures of things you loathe and work out this rage.
Dear GORGEOUS, SKINNY, INTELLIGENT BELETTE, That's not PMS sweetie, THAT is Satan! LOL! Seriously, I could not stand one more fashion photo blog and as darling as Lily is, she is not "words of you." Part of what I love about you and your writing/blog is how honest, quirky and raw you can be, and yet you put this mysterious intrigue out there with your LACK of photo's if that makes sense? (It IS a compliment, promise! I just can't use words as well as you do! It is your gift!) I personally think that we are ALWAYS more blessed when we are at the end of our ropes. (Yes, even with PMS.) When there is finally "less" of us, there is a chance for more good to swoop in and make us what we were intended to be. We are then faced with everything we are….everything we are not, and even what we were NOT meant to be. Humbling, yes. Fun, no, but then that is when I find I am a proud owner of everything that can't be bought. I'm gonna have to go the opposite route here on food advice….I suggest you run not walk to a health food store and get some sub-lingual B-12 drops. That, in addition to progesterone cream have saved my peri-menopausal life! I wish I could give you a hug. Close your eyes, wrap your left arm around your right shoulder, your right arm around your left shoulder, and squeeze, but softly. love to you, luck to he weasel, (kidding!)
Country Mouse xxoo
Would you like to stick Aunt Flo out in the cold with my cousin Mr. Critical? That is where she belongs! They can cuddle together and share outrageous stories like,"Those two are talentless, pipe dreamers. Believing they're on to something. Have you seen those ridiculous blogs they pen?They could share manical laughs and drown each other in their negativity.
Just say the word and I'll come out there to lasso Aunt Flo. She's the bitch! I have the perfect guy for her!
xo
Sounds like your PMS and my PMS could do some serious harm if they ever joined forces…they could, in fact, be long lost twins!
this made me so glad i no longer have any estrogen flowing through my body–i hope he got the message somehow and brought home something chocolate-ANYTHING!
xoxoxo
I hear you sister… feels like you're being hit by truck, dead and then back to being alive again to deal with the pain (no it doesn't get better with childbirth). Hang in there.
xoxoxoxo
“You are so beautiful and thin and you are highly intelligent”
This is certainly the correct remark not just for the He-Weasel, but for all men to make in similar situations.
Can't think of anything else to add to all this collective wisdom. Am going through mean reds myself.
Makes me wonder though, all this energy, the creative life energy in our bodies starting all over again. The challenge is to channel that energy somehow.
While in Beijing visiting sister (2005) I visited an acupuncturist (for about two bucks) and she told me that during this time you should rest as much as possible because your body's energies are in so much flux. It's time to take care of yourself.
So, take care, eat lots of chocolate, remember how blessed you are with your he-weasil, and feel better soon, xx
Next time ring him or text him and tell him brownies are needed. In the meantime you know what it is and so does he so eat the aspirin, cuddle the hot water bottle and eat/drink whatever you need to get you through. You don't have to suffer for ever because the menopause will end it all – I am so happy to have got there and can recommend it to any one.
oh, gone are those days from my life – had them surgically excised many moons ago – however, their power has not left me even now – but – i CAN tell you, absolutely, as the others here have, this, too, shall pass – ride those waves any which way you can, need or want to, cowgirl! you're the ones with the reins! wish i had some real words of wisdom, but sadly, i do not! just lots of caring!
Don't forget about the run, the referral source or your wonderful new skin conditioning. Remember Lily and a weekend with He-Weasel (who you can call or text message). Remember this too shall pass and the reality of having so many blessings and friends who love you. A supply of B-12 is a good idea too.
What a fabulous post… Cheered me up if that is any consolation. I think we all have those moments when we think we should change or delete our blogs so now I hoping my moments are just the same cause. I think my work buddies may be happy I have taken an extended leave.. I was becoming… 'the other' more frequently… and as I live alone it is me that takes the brunt of my moods now.. ha ha
Hope it passes for you quickly.
Sorry, PMS is a bitch. I was always breaking things because I dropped everything. Also felt wound up like a coil.
I hope you get brownies.
PMS comes from Satan's own buttocks.
You are beautiful, talented, kind, adorable, smart, funny and a million other good and wonderful things!
I LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!!! You are better than a plate of Brownies, a bottle of Jack Daniels, and a Colin Firth film festival. Thank you all for kicking PMS' ass. It didn't stand a chance with all of your kindness, love and support. I would share my brownies with any of you, and that is proof of my love for you.
Tessa: I LOVE "Professor Moody Sourpuss". HIlarious!
RLS: Wise husband that you have!
Deja: The means reds is the perfect way to describe it. That Capote knew what he is talking about.
French Shelter: Nothing like a side hug to tell PMS where to go. YOur hugs never annoy!
Victoria: Thank you so much for your comment. It is so lovely to see you here.
Debbie: ((((((Debbie)))))))))Huge hugs to you. I am so very sorry that you are struggling with infertility. It too is a bitch. I so appreciate your VERY kind words. I am so happy you found my blog. Please come back!!
Lola: I highly recommend Bliss' Triple Oxygen Mask. It is lovely!
LPC: I am sitting, sitting, sitting. Do I get a treat now?
K-line: It makes me wish there was a red tent that had Moroccan decor and an all you can eat dessert bar. And all the annoying people could leave us alone. And there would be lots of foot massages.
Lena: Good prescription!
Marcela: I think I am back!:-)
Mrs. Little Jeans: Just a little shift in estrogen or progesterone can really change one's sense of self.
Semi-expat: My PMS is VERY short. I am very lucky!
Dash: "Danger Dash"! I love it. It's like you have a dangerous twin. There is regular Dash and there is Dangerous Dash.
Jan:
)))))
Carol Anne: Thank you.:-)
lunarossa: Being a woman is not as easy as it seems.
materfamilias: THANK YOU!
Deborah: You are so right, nothing lasts forever. PMS doesn't last forever. Nothing does.
stacey: NO carbs? Don't think I can do that. But I can take all your other wonderful good suggestions!
I am so glad you have found a protocol that gives you some relief.
Make Do Style: Mean reds is perfect. Isn't it?
Randal: He-weasel asked where you bought this PMS-detecting Doppler system. And just FYI Lily and I destroyed his suit of armor as if it was made of paper. Yes, we are bad-ass.
Country Mouse: Thank you!!!
Stephanie: YEs, let's fix them up!
Pamela: Maybe if our PMS got together they would neutralize each other. You know, like a negative and a negative equals a positive. Maybe we can try it some time.;-)
linda: No chocolate and because of that he got to feel PMS' force.
Lynn: Sorry to hear that having a child didn't stop PMS. That's too bad!:-(
Belle de Ville: Don't you think every box of maxipads ought to come with a note to remind the men in the lives of the woman that they should repeat that affirmation over and over? I think all would go much better for all involved.
Cheryl : Sorry you know the mean reds. I send the same council back to you, rest and eat chocolate!!!
Alienne : I am looking forward to a day when Aunt Flo never visits me again. I envy you your Aunt Flo-free state.
GYPSYWOMAN: Thanks for the caring. You are a sweetheart.
susan: All of the good feelings are back. PMS is gone. Hooray! The wicked witch is dead( at least for 28 days;-)
Julie: I am happy that it cheered you up. I know it helps me a lot to know that I am not the only one who is taken down by this Bitch. Hope your feeling well and that PMS leaves you alone.
Juliann: I made myself a batch and it helped.
Shallow Coffee: You, as always, made me laugh out loud.
Thank you so much for all those wonderful things you said about me. He-weasel needs to take your comment and commit it to memory!;-)
UH! I am SO happy that your PMS passed on! (I wonder if it just moves over into the female body closest in proximity?!)
I get it sometimes sooooooo bad that I swear there is a monster devil inside twisting my female parts while laughing sadistically the whole while. It is always so nice to know that others are in the same boat or that we are not alone, (even if we wouldn't wish that on anyone!) That part of the month is when I am always challenged to remain a good human being…..you do that well, and we all love you! 
xxoo
Red Shoes: He-weasel might challenge your notion that I "remain a good human being". But I promise that I remain lovely to my friends. I save all the PMS fun for him. That is what love is for.;-)
I'm gonna get mad at you if you keep threatening the blog!
Wendy: It wasn't me who threatened, it was the PMS!
Oh, I'm new to your blog but love you already as your post spoke such brilliant and awful truth.
"PMS, is a bitch and may, I think, be a liar." You speak truth, girl.
Whatever you do, don't cut pumpkin, it will just make you cry.
Hope you're feeling better soon!
xx and copious pbc
My heart goes out to you, La Bel. I feel your pain so acutely.
My menopause hormones tell me similar, undermining, awful things:
1) to shut my stupid blog down, "who the h@ll cares what I think?"
2) that I'm no good at karate "STILL 8th kyu after a year?"
3) that I s@ck at my job "STILL not S.R.O. at my classes?"
4) that I am an E-Vil Stepmother
5) that my butt is sagging and there's nothing I can do about it!
This too shall pass.
Oh dear Belette! I can't believe I missed this post. Please, please, please don't quit blogging. At least not until you're memoir is on bookstore shelves.
Ha ha! It's good to know I am not the only woman that has had pms induced divorce fantasies. I seriously hate men during this week and secretly wish they would all just shut the fuck up!
How WEIRD!! That SAME exact thing happened to me on Friday, too!! I felt like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde!! Yikkesss. I even scared MYSELF!!! No home depot in France… well.. I went to Monoprix, instead!
Oh my, you adorable funny gorgeous thing you. How dare PMS launch a surprise attack. PMS used to hit me like that and I am glad to be rid of it, along with all the empty promises it seemed to leave in its wake.
Still, she didn't dampen your spirit enough to dull your writing. Great post.
This post is hilarious. Your descriptions are great