Friday night He-weasel and I were driving down the street. He saw something in the middle of the road and said, “It’s a teddy bear, get it.” My answer to these recurring requests of his is always the same. I think he just asks me to hear me say no. Just today we were on the freeway and he pointed out a abandoned shoe, TV and sofa that had last seen its golden years when Jimmy Carter was President. It is a game we play. He asks if we can have an abandoned and unwanted thing and I say “No way; no you can’t.” Friday night when he asked me to pick up the teddy bear I was all set to say no. I imagined a once loved best friend had been lost and it was now dirty, oily and had been run over a few dozen times. Something in me ignored my imaginings and made me say something I never say, “okay.” He-weasel stopped the car and I opened the door.
La Belette Rouge means "The red weasel" in French
Image- Coleman/Classic Stock
*****
When He-weasel and I were going through infertility treatment we had loads of good luck charms. Truth be told we had a shrine of good luck charms that all promised to get us pregnant: eggs, candles, Buddhas, sea horses, mermaid sacks, lucky pennies, statues of fertility goddesses, and fortune cookies that we horded as evidence that someday this would work. However when we went for infertility treatment we would bring out the big guns of good luck objects. Each time I was poked, prodded, inseminated and injected there was a little furry baby bear that came with us. See, before I became a weasel and long before He-weasel was ever spoken, we had been bears. And in our couple mythology someday we would no longer be just two bears, someday a baby bear would come and make us the Three Bears. The little stuffed bear was a tiny talisman that stood in as a substitute until the real one arrived.
December 12, 2007 is when I finally gave up hope that all the injectibles and all the IVFs in the world were going to get me pregnant. That was the day that I took each and every talisman, good luck charm and symbol that had failed to get me pregnant and I threw them all in a Hefty trash bag and took them to the curb for the trash man to take away—-even the baby bear. For the most part I don’t regret making that decision. I didn’t have it in me to try again and I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not going to get pregnant and that to seek more treatment was a physical and emotional masochism. But, there have been many times when I thought of that little baby bear and felt some guilt for throwing him away.
***
Back to Friday night,my hand left the safety of the car and my better instincts were no where to be found when I reached down to the street, unsure what I would find. I brought the fuzzy bear into the car. He-weasel turned on the lights so I could inspect the state of our furry find. This bear who had been lost on a busy street and had no home and no one to love it, was completely unscathed. There wasn’t a spot on him. There was no evidence of his time on the streets. He looked like new.
I didn’t need to reach too deep to find the symbolism. It would take a risk to reach out to an unwanted and perhaps unloved child. I might fear the worst. I might imagine that such a child would be damaged and traumatized so severely that it would be unable to accept our love. All my imaginings might be wrong. The only way to know is to extend my hand into the darkness and see what I find there.
******
I just read this post to He-weasel and he said, “That baby bear, it’s not gone.” I thought he was being metaphorical. “Huh? What do you mean?”
“I followed you out to the trash and I took the bag back. It is all still here. It is all still in storage. All of it is still here. The baby bear isn’t gone.”
“Why did you do it?”, I asked him.
“That is what you do with things you love. It’s just what you do.”
57 Responses to “3 Bears”
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About Me
My name is Tracey, aka La Belette Rouge. I am a psychotherapist and the author of Freudian Sip @ Psychology Today. I blog about psychology, my therapy, dreams, writing, meaning making, home, longing, loss, infertility and other things that delight or inspire me. I try to make deep and elusive psychodynamic concepts accessible and funny. For more information, click here .Fertility Planit Video: Letting Go of the Hope of Having genetic Offspring
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Wow. This is symbolic so many different ways, I don't know what to say…
I think you and he-weasel have a wonderful relationship. It is something to be treasured. The symbolism is the obvious nugget in this wonderful post but you and he-weasel are truly the golden nuggets xxx
Oh my goodness this is one of the most beautiful posts I've read online. LBR, you've made me cry and smile and cry again while smiling! Thank you for sharing this.
Oh, this is such a touching post. Heavens, now I'm crying at work. Everything will work out! I promise!
A lovely post, and he-weasel is such a lovely weasel!
A bientot!
xox
You have the most amazing husband. This post almost made me cry in my Hinduism class.
That was beautiful. You are beautiful and your He-weasel is beautiful.
Reaching out here is so touching and heartwarming. Loved to hear you say "okay"… I felt that at my core. One thing I do is take foster care children to visits with their parent(s). I see love emanating from some parents, and only disgust from others (wondering why they even agreed to the visits)… In any case, I often see, and at least sense (sometimes deeply feel), the sorrow in these children. There are some who I know would be easily nurtured back to emotional health and thrive with love and time, and others that will remain deeply scarred for life. But no matter where they land in this continuum, they all deserve someone to pick them up from a cold, lonely, and dirty proverbial street and shown unconditional love.
Beautiful post, Belette
David
I've thought of you so often as my husband and I have talked about adoption, and the possibilities of children not being able to be loved. This post made me cry.
Your he-weasel is right, that is what you do with the things you love. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this is the season for you, that the planets or whatever will align and things will fall into place. You deserve that and so much more.
Oh my I feel very touched by the He-weasel's actions. Saving the garbage bag too, how sweet…andhe stopped for that little bear, who was waiting for someone like you to rescue him!
What an amazing husband and union. I love it that he saved the bear. This is such an uplifting story.
Wow! That post was so beautiful and it gave me so much to reflect on. You have a wonderful partner in He-Weasal!
Oh Belette. Oddly, as I read your post, Faith Hill is singing Baby You Belong To Me on my iTunes. And I hate most country western. Such a lovely and surprising post.
Awwww, what a sweet man you've married. What a beautiful story.
Oh my. I find myself echoing the feelings already expressed. Most of us become mothers before we're old enough to really consider the implications. That you both have done so in a spirit of trust and mutual love is amazing. You would be wonderful parents. I don't often mention tears but you've done it this time
btw – A memory posted you may not have seen..
OMG, I LOVE HE-WEASEL!!! Love, love, love him. Wow, you are one lucky lady La belette, he completely gets you.
What a lovely post…I have tears in my eyes…
belette, with tears in my eyes, i know you will someday have your little family, complete with the littlest member of the weasel sans bear family, all in a row on the sofa watching the disney channel and i will hold that vision in my head until it comes to pass….and that's a promiseā„
OOo! I love these mysterious instances of serendipity! I think finding the abandoned teddy bear on the road is a sign you're on the right track and that you'll get your baby. I think it was left there just for you and He-weasel. You two are meant to be parents.
I'm touched.
I love good omens.
A beautiful post La Belle…so gentle but so telling. xv
What a wonderful he-weasel you have found. This story means so much in so many ways.
I love how sentimental and sweet He-Weasel is.
A sweet story, thanks for sharing it with us.
~lola
Beautiful. x
so he never gave up hope and now you are prepared to hope. You are lucky, he is such a lovely man. I do so hope it all works out for you both. I am sitting here crying for you.
This is bringing tears to my eyes. It's just so beautiful…so touching….
Gee thanks for MAKING ME CRY!
Just in case you might want to know…. My first three children are adopted. From the state. You know, in case you might wonder.
*hugs*
LBR, I have not visited in a while and this is my first visit here in 2010 and I read this. Wow….. Hope you had a great 2010. ~SG
This posts brings tears to my eyes. I love that you realise your fears about adoption, but that they are just fears, not necessarily fact.
xx
This was a beautiful post… made me teary-eyed reading it. Everything works out for a reason, and remember that things do not go wrong, they just go… it's up to you to make of them what you may. You are so amazing and only amazing things can and will happen to you.
xo
This is a beautiful post, Belette. It's really touching, especially He-Weasel's reveal at the end. S.
An amazing post. I have tears in my eyes and also I am smiling and feeling warm inside for you and Mr He-Weasel – you both so deserve to be parents… You have a great relationship and I am hoping with all my heart that your adoption process goes forward smoothly.
This is a beautiful post and I'm going to fuck up the sentiment by saying, "Remember when we met at the bar carrying weasels and some lady said to me, 'Everyone has teddy bears tonight!'?"
This is so lovely.
I just found our blog and it's lovely. I can't wait to read more. Thanks.
This one really yanked at my heartstrings LB. I was so touched. Love to you both. Cyn
This is the most beautiful and moving Blog post ever in the history of bloggers. You devil. I started siffing, then tears and finally full blown sobbing. That he weasel is the best. Oh Belette, I am always so sorry you both had to go through what you have done. I will pray for you that you receive a child worthy of the pair of you. He Weasel sounds like my Scribe. That is exactly what he would have done. xx
Well. Count me among the crying women. I have one hand covering my mouth and the other clutching my heart.
He-weasel is the best. (I like you, too, of course.)
Beautiful post and a lovely sign for you … I'm hoping that another lovely and loving "little bear" will find their way to your care soon!!! Does the fab He-weasel have a brother? Okay, that's not relevant to this post
!!!!xo
I am impressed by your 'bin bandit' husband!! That man has depth's of sensitivity I did not know could exist alongside testosterone, he is a medical miracle. Hold on to him.
Ah, Belette . . . just ahhhhh!
A beautiful post…..that He-Weasel is a GREAT guy.
You can tell He-weasel he almost made me cry today.
tp
It is official I am in love with He Weasel.
Xo
What a totally precious story. I wish I had had a weasel to follow me out to my "trash" and save some of the good stuff out of it for me. It really isn't all crap, is it? You are a lucky girl
Sending huge hugs from Seattle way …xxoo
Fuck me! you are going to DO THIS!!!!!
xx
very wonderful.
i feel very happy for you that you have turned on to this new road, strewn with bears, past and future.
This is such a lovely story, it is haunting yet hopeful. My little cousin was adopted and she is so smart, loving, and gorgeous, it's hard to believe she was left in a ditch at just a few hours old. She was adopted when she was a few months old, but she was instantly my family. Best of luck, hun.
Well, you've gone and choked me up. I hope you're happy.
That He-Weasel, he's a keeper. And so are you, dear.
Love,
Anna
I hope you do reach out your hand. I'll bet there's a baby weasel out there for you and He-weasel, even if it's not yours biologically.
Much love to you.
Wow…. it's kinda special, that thing that you and He weasel have, you know?
Without a doubt, the most moving blog post I have read this year. Thank you.
Best.Husband.Ever.
Okay, did you really have to make me cry? I truly wish you and he-weasel the very best.
I have a question… For the women out there who still has a uterus and healthy ovaries… How can you give up on carrying a child of your own?
In my case, I can understand giving up since I was born without a uterus. But for one who still has a uterus? How? I know it drained you, with all the effort and time and pain….but to give up? Why? Isn’t there still a chance for you?