Monthly Archive for January, 2010

Something like acceptance

Published on January 13, 2010 in Childless Not By Choice, Meaning Making and On Home. 78 Comments Tags: Adoption, Home, Los Angeles, MFT.

1. I am shopping for an office and I am not at all freaked out. Okay, I am a little freaked out that I will get an office and I will never get any referrals. And if I get referrals then I might feel stuck or trapped. I am also not thrilled about having to sublet office space as I am not really a roommate kind of gal— but I only want ten or so hours a week and that isn’t enough time to justify an office of my own. And what if I did get an office of my own and never got any referrals. Even with my “I won’t get any referrals” anxiety, I am still managing to shop for office space. I like shopping for an office, sort of. It reminds me that I really got my license and that if someone were to refer to me that I could have an office of my own.

2. Tonight we are going to a Domestic Adoption Orientation and I am not at all freaked out. Okay, so maybe I am a little freaked out. Maybe I am afraid we will be the oldest people there and that all the other couples will be younger, cuter, smarter and more attractive parents to any potential biological mother. Maybe I am afraid of signing the contract and giving them a check and then nothing will happen and we will never get a baby and maybe my heart will be broken again.

3.We have a Realtor. Let’s just stop there for a moment. Let me just take a breath. I am breathing in. I am breathing out. In…out…repeat as needed. Let’s begin again, I have a Realtor. We have a Realtor. And, I really don’t feel the anxiety that I have felt in the past when we were house hunting. The house hunting, “I have serious commitment issues” thingy is gone. Alright, alright….gone might be an overstatement. Significantly decreased is more accurate. I haven’t had any anxiety attacks as of yet and we have looked at least six houses. I really like our Realtor. She does this thing that no other Realtor has done, she listens. Strange, huh? And, I have even found a house I can imagine living in( see picture below). Isn’t it cute?

I think that I am accepting that we live in L.A. , or something close to acceptance, at least for today.

3 Bears

Published on January 11, 2010 in Childless Not By Choice. 56 Comments Tags: Adoption, Baby, Childless Not By Choice, He-Weasel, Infertility.

Friday night He-weasel and I were driving down the street. He saw something in the middle of the road and said, “It’s a teddy bear, get it.” My answer to these recurring requests of his is always the same. I think he just asks me to hear me say no. Just today we were on the freeway and he pointed out a abandoned shoe, TV and sofa that had last seen its golden years when Jimmy Carter was President. It is a game we play. He asks if we can have an abandoned and unwanted thing and I say “No way; no you can’t.” Friday night when he asked me to pick up the teddy bear I was all set to say no. I imagined a once loved best friend had been lost and it was now dirty, oily and had been run over a few dozen times. Something in me ignored my imaginings and made me say something I never say, “okay.” He-weasel stopped the car and I opened the door.

*****

When He-weasel and I were going through infertility treatment we had loads of good luck charms. Truth be told we had a shrine of good luck charms that all promised to get us pregnant: eggs, candles, Buddhas, sea horses, mermaid sacks, lucky pennies, statues of fertility goddesses, and fortune cookies that we horded as evidence that someday this would work. However when we went for infertility treatment we would bring out the big guns of good luck objects. Each time I was poked, prodded, inseminated and injected there was a little furry baby bear that came with us. See, before I became a weasel and long before He-weasel was ever spoken, we had been bears. And in our couple mythology someday we would no longer be just two bears, someday a baby bear would come and make us the Three Bears. The little stuffed bear was a tiny talisman that stood in as a substitute until the real one arrived.

December 12, 2007 is when I finally gave up hope that all the injectibles and all the IVFs in the world were going to get me pregnant. That was the day that I took each and every talisman, good luck charm and symbol that had failed to get me pregnant and I threw them all in a Hefty trash bag and took them to the curb for the trash man to take away—-even the baby bear. For the most part I don’t regret making that decision. I didn’t have it in me to try again and I knew in my heart of hearts that I was not going to get pregnant and that to seek more treatment was a physical and emotional masochism. But, there have been many times when I thought of that little baby bear and felt some guilt for throwing him away.

***

Back to Friday night,my hand left the safety of the car and my better instincts were no where to be found when I reached down to the street, unsure what I would find. I brought the fuzzy bear into the car. He-weasel turned on the lights so I could inspect the state of our furry find. This bear who had been lost on a busy street and had no home and no one to love it, was completely unscathed. There wasn’t a spot on him. There was no evidence of his time on the streets. He looked like new.

I didn’t need to reach too deep to find the symbolism. It would take a risk to reach out to an unwanted and perhaps unloved child. I might fear the worst. I might imagine that such a child would be damaged and traumatized so severely that it would be unable to accept our love. All my imaginings might be wrong. The only way to know is to extend my hand into the darkness and see what I find there.

******

I just read this post to He-weasel and he said, “That baby bear, it’s not gone.” I thought he was being metaphorical. “Huh? What do you mean?”

“I followed you out to the trash and I took the bag back. It is all still here. It is all still in storage. All of it is still here. The baby bear isn’t gone.”

“Why did you do it?”, I asked him.

“That is what you do with things you love. It’s just what you do.”

26-34 of 365

Published on January 8, 2010 in 365 things that don't suck about L.A.. 35 Comments Tags: 365 things that don't suck about L.A., Art, Bill Clinton, Chicago, Craig Ferguson, Food, Hair, Igor, Los Angeles, TV.

(365 Things that don’t suck about L.A.)

26. I have tickets to the Late-Late Show with Craig Ferguson and I am so excited. There are lots of opportunities to see the filming of shows in L.A. only I never do it. No, that’s not true. There was the time I went to see Phil Donahue when he filmed in L.A. for a week , about 20 years ago. I had a bit of a crush on Phil. He was my Oedipal Complex crush #1. (I suppose I still have a crush on Phil, it’s just that when I fell for Oedipal Complex crush #2, Bill Clinton, and Phil went off the air, I sort of forgot how much I loved Phil). I was so smitten and love struck that I had delusions that when Phil saw me in the audience he would leave his do-gooder wife for me. Yes, I was mildly delusional. I have no such hopes with Craig. Well, not entirely true. I feel like if Craig met me he would find me highly amusing and we would be pals. If you want to test your delusion by attending a taping of your favorite TV show when you are in L.A. check this out.

27. Now that it is coldish in L.A. I am finding that I don’t really miss the subzero temps of Chicago. L.A.’s Winters don’t entirely suck. Summer does. Fall does. Winter does not.

28. Being in L.A. forced me to work on some issues that I wouldn’t have done otherwise. If it weren’t for being in L.A. I wouldn’t have worked with Igor. If I hadn’t worked with Igor it is likely I would never have been open to adoption. Being in L.A. changed my life. I hate to admit it but it is true.

29. The Getty Villa. The Villa is the original Getty center and it is absolutely gorgeous. I think that truth be told, as much as I love the new Getty, I love the Getty Villa even more than the new Getty. It is a must see if you visit L.A.

30.Overhearing conversations in the bathroom at Neiman Marcus in Beverly Hills. Yesterday I overheard two women talking about their hair. One woman said to the other, “I get the back of my hair cut by Lars. And, Jacques cuts the front of my hair.” Woman #2 also admitted to having two different stylists for different parts of her hair. Seriously, where else in the world would you hear that conversation?

31. My hair angel, April, at Dej Salon. Tell her I sent you. Thank me for how good looks after you see her.

32. The Hungry Pocket Falafel House for falafel in Santa Monica. It is divey-dive-dive and yet when a falafel craving hits we get on the 405 freeway and then on the Santa Monica freeway and then get off at Pico and drive up towards Santa Monica College and then hope against hope that maybe we can find a parking place. Then we try to find a place to sit among the college students and then the ordering of delicious falafel and kabob begins.

33. L.A. is just an hour and a half from Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara does not suck at all. Things I love about Santa Barbara: The trees, the architecture, the weather, Santa Barbara Shellfish Company, La Super Rica, The Saks Fifth Avenue on State Street, and my memories of going to grad school there. Even the drive to Santa Barbara is gorgeous, that is if you take Pacific Coast Highway.

34. The scent of Eucalyptus trees at the 5/405 freeway interchange. It only lasts for a mile or two but the scent always makes me happy.

What I am thinking about Wednesday

Published on January 6, 2010 in Quotidien. 46 Comments Tags: Beauty, Blog, Champagne, Food, Igor, Jcrew, Psychology, Shoes.

1. One little word
The very lovely Irene Latham, the author of Live. Love. Explore, is having a contest in which she is inviting readers to share their key word for the year. As soon as I read about her contest I knew my word. My key word for 2010 is ‘celebrate’. My image for the year is champagne. My resolution for this year is to always keep a case of champagne in our house. I feel like there is going to be a lot to celebrate this year, even if it is only “it’s Wednesday, let’s celebrate”.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vl_sRAim8WE]
2. This Emotional Life
When I first heard the name of this series I thought it was an Ira Glass documentary on emotional health. Even though it wasn’t, and I am disappointed that it wasn’t, it is still a show worth tuning in for. It is a great 3-part series hosted by Daniel Gilbert, Harvard psychologist and best-selling author of Stumbling on Happiness, that explores why happiness is such an elusive goal.

3. Fresh Sugar Lip Treatment
This is the best lip balm ever made( Okay, La Mer’s may be a close second—but at that price it better be). Throw away your Burt’s Bees, Chapstick and Rosebud Salve and plunk down your $22.50 and thank me later. Happiness can be bought—-well, if soft and supple lips equal happiness.

4. My new favorite shoes
I usually hate labels or anything that reads “designer”. Something about these shoes made me break my no-label rule. I put them on with almost anything and I convince myself that I am Margo Tennenbaum. I pretend that the “T” on the shoes are not standing for Tory Burch and are instead for Tennenbaum.

5. My new I-phone that I LOVE VERY MUCH. It is the best phone ever. I am very attached to it. I have it in my hand almost all the time. I am even prone to petting it. Lily may get jealous if I keep it up or start buying it sweaters and treats.

6. I am seeing my Mom tonight and I am not even dreading it. This is proof that therapy works. Seriously, this is BIG.

7. Miracle #2 of 2010. We are, once again, house shopping. And this time I am not even anxious, upset, or at all reticent. I know—it is again proof that therapy works. Thank you, Igor.

8. That I am deadly disappointed that the cardio-hula-hooping class has been canceled. I am not kidding.

9. I am obsessed with this tee shirt. I am not sure why. I have never owned anything in Burned Olive before. Now I feel like my life will not be complete until I have it.

10. I am craving high pulp fresh squeezed orange juice. My cravings are usually for foods that nutritionists put on the naughty list. I feel a kind of moral superiority in having a healthy craving.

The wait is over, sort of

Published on January 4, 2010 in Belette in Psychotherapy, Childless Not By Choice and Quotidien. 66 Comments Tags: Adoption, Belette in Psychotherapy, Childless Not By Choice, He-Weasel, Igor, Infertility, WendyB.

Happy New Years!!!!! So sorry I am so slow to get back to the blogosphere. It turns out that part of my celebrating was to stay away from my computer. Please don’t take that personally, it is just that I had been studying since summer and all of my studying all occurred on my computer. Once I passed the final test I wanted to get away from my computer and out into the world. Don’t get me wrong, I am still celebrating. Even as I type there is a bottle of Veuve Clicquot in my fridge just waiting to be popped.

But, I couldn’t torment you any longer. It is time to share my big news with you. Before I share the news I must share with you who is responsible for making my big news possible, all the credit goes to Igor and Wendy Brandes. Wendy is too kind to take any credit, but most of the credit goes to her.

It all started on 12/3. I had just come from a grueling session with Igor in which I was doing some heavy grieving about our childless state. I somehow got him to finally see that nothing would ever fill the emptiness of our childlessness. It was when he really understood that he asked me to tell him again why I was so closed to adoption. I felt slightly outraged that I had to explain it again.

“#1 I am too old. #2 I could not take to have my heart broken again by having an adoption fall through. It would kill me.”

“Okay,” he answered. “#2 is harder to deal with so let’s deal with #1. How do you know that you are too old?”

“I just am. I am objectively too old.”

“How do you know that? Where did you learn that?”

“I just am. It is just true.” I explained in a tone rich in certainty.

I came home and wrote to Wendy, “Igor was not great today. I was moaning about the baby issue and he started talking about adoption. I reminded him of my age. His answer?
I always see Larry King around Beverly Hills with his kids. I laughed and then asked him if he had thought that through before he said it. He admitted that he hadn’t.”

The wonderful Wendy wrote me back and made a very compelling argument that I don’t feel at liberty to share. All I can tell you is that between Igor’s gentle prodding and Wendy’s brilliant argument, I changed my mind and decided I might be open to adoption. That my friend, is big news. I had been CLOSED to adoption. The door had been nailed shut and I was SURE there was no way it would ever be opened again.

Before I even shared with He-weasel about my potential openness to exploring adoption I called three different agencies to find out about what we would have to do if we wanted to adopt. I didn’t want to tell him until I was sure that I was semi-serious about this. He has always been open to adoption. It has been me who hasn’t. When I shared with him the news he was completely and totally in shock. He-weasel is so happy. Between my passing the exam and my willingness to consider adoption he is having a very happy new year. He is, as you can imagine, extremely grateful to Wendy and Igor. There has even been talk of naming a child after both of them. Wendy-Igor Rouge has a nice ring it.

I talked to all three adoption agencies and I somehow managed to sign us up for three different information sessions. So far we have been to one and I am still surprisingly open to finding out more. We go to a second info session this week. The third one is on the 16th. Let me clarify, I don’t feel sure that we are going to adopt. I am in a space of openness to exploring the idea of adoption. I feel an almost dissociative fog around all of this in which I feel very little except surprised that I am open to this. I feel sure that Igor will explain my lack of feeling as a means of protecting myself from hurt, disappointment and/or more grief. I am not even sure we will adopt. I am far way away from certainty. Hey, I was certain I would get pregnant. I was certain we wouldn’t adopt. I was certain I was too old to adopt. It just goes to show how well certainty has served me.

Monthly Archive for January, 2010

Something like acceptance

3 Bears

26-34 of 365

What I am thinking about Wednesday

The wait is over, sort of

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