Last week happiness and women seemed to be a very hot topic. I wrote about my newfound happy and Sallymandy wrote a very thoughtful post, “Why women are unhappy” in which she quotes two of my favorite saucy redhead writers, who I feel sure are both pretty happy women, write about happiness and how women are generally not as happy as they used to be. Saucy redhead # 1, Arianna Huffington, wrote, The Sad, Shocking Truth About How Women Are Feeling and Maureen Dowd, saucy redhead #2 wrote “Blue is the New Black” . Both articles are fascinating and worth reading even though I am feeling uncharacteristically happy and was slightly worry that Huffington and Dowd might impinge on my hedonia. They didn’t. Rather in reading why women are feeling so unhappy I was left feeling very happy to have a He-weasel husband who shares the housework and that I, unlike the women that Huffington and Dowd write about, feel like I have lots of choices, freedom and time to pursue what I want.
As one who has had a long term case of the baby blues, I was especially struck by this quote in “Blue is the new black”: “Across the happiness data, the one thing in life that will make you less happy is having children,” said Betsey Stevenson, an assistant professor at Wharton College who co-wrote a paper called “The Paradox of Declining Female Happiness.”
Really? Can it be true? Sure, I have heard this research before but I was always unhappy when I heard it and dismissed it as statistics can be manipulated and I try to be cautious about who was producing the studies and what their motives were. I was much more influenced by the irrefutable hard science of Johnson and Johnson’s ad campaign that “having a baby changes everything” and/or Faith Hill’s lyrics.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GZRfPAvNClI]
Dowd’s article, and Stevenson’s quote in particular, got me to Googling to find more on the impact of those who talk goo-goo-ga-ga on glee and I found an article in Newsweek,by Lorraine Ali, “Does having children make you happy?“. Ali writes about the childless couple on her childhood street:
“When I was growing up, our former neighbors, whom we’ll call the Sloans, were the only couple on the block without kids. It wasn’t that they couldn’t have children; according to Mr. Sloan, they just chose not to. All the other parents, including mine, thought it was odd—even tragic. So any bad luck that befell the Sloans—the egging of their house one Halloween; the landslide that sent their pool careering to the street below—was somehow attributed to that fateful decision they’d made so many years before. “Well,” the other adults would say, “you know they never did have kids.”
All through infertility treatment, each time we would fail to become pregnant, I would think of that couple. No, not the Sloans. I had my own version of the Sloans. Lynne and Lenny; Mirjam and Paul; He-weasel’s Aunt and Uncle. They were all that sad couple, that sad childless couple with no children that I pitied. They were the couple I didn’t want us to be. I wanted to be the couple with the house filled with kids, bikes on the lawn, and a tree house in the yard. We would not be the couple who spends holidays at others homes—we would have a family, or so I thought.
Lorraine Ali continues: “Each time I visited the Sloans, I’d search for signs of insanity, misery or even regret in their superclean home, yet I never seemed to find any. From what I could tell, the Sloans were happy, maybe even happier than my parents, despite the fact that they were (whisper) childless.” It is this and the research that makes Ali conclude that having children does not lead to happiness; the statisticians agree with her:
- Daniel Gilbert, the Harvard professor of psychology and the author of “Stumbling on Happiness,” claims that marital satisfaction decreases dramatically after the birth of the first child. The happiness rate, according to Gilbert, increases only when the last child has left home.
- Gilbert claims that studies show that parents are happier when eating, exercising, shopping, napping, or watching television than when they are spending time with their children. Arthur C. Brooks, the author of “Gross National Happiness” reports that parents of children are nearly seven percentage points less likely to be happy than their childless counterparts.
- Robin Simon, a sociology professor at Florida State University, finds that “Parents experience lower levels of emotional well-being, less frequent positive emotions and more frequent negative emotions than their childless peers.”
- The National Survey of Families and Households done in 2005 looked at data gathered from 13,000 Americans, concluded, according to Simon, “No group of parents—married, single, step or even empty nest—reported significantly greater emotional well-being than people who never had children. It’s such a counter-intuitive finding because we have these cultural beliefs that children are the key to happiness and a healthy life, and they’re not.”
- According to the National Marriage Project’s 2006 “State of Our Unions”, parents have significantly lower marital satisfaction than non parents because they experienced more single and child-free years than previous generations.
I share all these statistics not to make the argument that my new found happiness is caused by my childlessness, especially as for so long I have been very unhappy just because we couldn’t have kids. Truly, if I could, I would give happiness in order to have the “unhappiness” that comes from having children. Lorraine Ali concludes her article by saying that even if having children doesn’t make you happy, “Parents still report feeling a greater sense of purpose and meaning in their lives than those who’ve never had kids.” Purpose and meaning, at least for me, are a better and more noble pursuit than happiness. Don’t get me wrong, happiness doesn’t suck. I am grateful for the happiness I have and all the freedom, choice and sleep I have. I really am. And even though I am happy, I do ache knowing I will never know how having a baby changes everything.
As much as I know you have wanted this, I can only tell you. It DOES change everything. I am enjoying seeing you happy and hope that does not change.
Excellent topic! My husband and I are one of those couples who have chosen not to have children. We still have a couple of years before he is going in to make it a permanent decision, but I don't foresee us wavering in this decision.
We are very happy. We have our doggie son and the freedom to pursue what we want.
My purpose in this this life is to be happy and to try to make life a little easier for others. By having so much more free time and resources than my friends with kids, i am able to donate time, money and blood in an effort to help others.
Again, it is so nice to hear that you are happy and hedonic, it makes me even happier! Screw purpose, at least for a little while, and enjoy:)
As a parent of four children, I agree heartily with those statistics. I certainly don't regret haivng my children whatsoever, in fact they are the best thing that ever happened to me, but what they help(ed) to produce in me is self growth and awareness (by forcing me to confront my flaws)… not happiness. I would classify my marriage similarly. (Which reminds me of the similar statistic about how married women are significantly less happy than married men, later in life.)
This reminds me of yoga and meditation
The commercial made me weep; longing for that time when I did that with my (4) children. I remember it like it was yesterday. The sink. Now they are growing/gone/almost gone/gone and I do think: what the hell was that all about? All that struggle and hard work and money and fights and worries…and sacrifice…wtf. Life is a mystery. Be happy. LPxo
I can't speak for anyone but myself, but as someone childless by choice – who has known pretty much forever that I NEVER wanted anything to do with kids, "family" or the female wife/mommy roles – and has lived life my way (more or less the way men do), I'm happy! I have regrets, but they involve not being more free (getting away from family and home state forever, traveling the globe, not getting stuck rotting in an office job). I'm just not wired for this "female" stuff, never have been and never will be – by 40 I think that is pretty clear (and I've never had a moment of urge for it to be otherwise – and time with friends' and in law's kids confirms that they have no appeal to me).
Again, I can't speak for anyone but myself, but it is very clear that our media culture and overall culture is extremely caught up in "shoulds" – we all should be like everyone else, we all should meet an arbitrary standard of "normal," we all should be miserable when we don't meet the expected standard of normalcy. Not so in the least. We should, however, be free to be who and what we are and think for ourselves. That's as far as I'll go in the "should" sweepstakes.
The significance of having a great marriage is obvious, yes, but not always a given. Thank god for great men/women and the luck one has in finding them.
This is interesting and being a parent I agree with all of the "unhappiness" that comes with it. I love my Goom more than the world and can't imagine my life without him but I'm constantly juggling his changing emotional needs. He's like living with a menopausal woman…
AND I'm always wondering if I'm doing permanent damage! LOL!
The Universe gives you what you need…I'm glad you are happy. I'm sort of new to your blog but if you really wanted kids you could always adopt or foster. There are so many amazing kids in the world who truly need help and a loving nurturing family.
Not being able to have children might be a blessing…you are giving birth to a book, right? LOL!…
MUCH LOVE TO YOU!
A friend posted this article to Facebook a few months ago, and I found it very eye-opening. The comments are a helluva read, too:
http://www2.macleans.ca/2009/07/24/no-kids-no-grief/
I like to think that if I didn't have my four children (who have long been adults — damn, I wish we had a word for that!), I would, like you, manage to arrive at happiness and balance. It's an ongoing achievement for any of us, I think, childless or with children.
I read those articles and thought of you, actually. I think one issue that may have been hardest for you and for any of us is that fact that you've had something forced on you – you were not childless by choice. I know that I would not like that.
The link between happiness and children? It definitely fluctuates.
KT: Thank you.:-)
Shar:As we spent so much money, time and energy trying to have a baby that these statistics are initially so counter-intuitive to me to and yet,it really makes a lot of sense. If we have more time for our marriage, interests and more sleep it does make sense that one would be happier.
Your purpose is an admirable one and it sounds as if you are achieving it. Happy is a great way to spend a life. And you made me happy and laugh out loud with "screw purpose" LOVE! Thanks!
Freida Bee: It does seem that if you are doing it right that parenting would require you grow, learn and change and that is never easy. My marriage is something that makes me happy but getting to that place has often taken a lot of personal and psychological work. I feel sure that a child requires even more.
I can believe that having children does not make us happy. I would argue certainly from my point of view that it is the juggling of relationships that is so stressful. That between siblings and that between a partner and siblings. Throw into this heady mix of need a full time job and I wonder I have time to think let alone read blogs.
But Juggle I do, I do often reflect that I spend my whole life trying to off load the girls onto others. Still they have their moments and yet as soon as you begin to establish a quality relationship they up and leave.
I do not know what biological desire drove me to have children, I was not a huge fan of other peoples children yet I guess it must be innate in most of us. Many many female artists make a concious decision not to have children because in the end their career comes first, but we are now talking about people with choices which is a little different.
Having no choice at times must cause great anger but I sense you are starting to realise that actually it could be a blessing.
Changing the subject completely, I read this at the weekend and totally thought of you. I hope you can link to it. It makes your hometown sound even more exotic than ever!
http://www.guardian.co.uk/travel/2009/oct/03/los-angeles-art-galleries
Wonderfully thought-provoking post, ma chère LBRouge.
It bears mentioning:
–As long as there is not complete reproductive-rights freedom/liberty for women around the globe, all arguments about whether or not children promote or detract from happiness are bogus and built on quicksand.
–Men & Women/Parents:
*sell their children
*prostitute their children
*beat their children
*terrorize their children
*menace their children
*blame their children for their own un"happiness"
*ridicule their children
*sexually abuse their children
*mock their children
*attempt to inspire fear in their children
*attempt to control their children
*abandon, or otherwise give away, their children
*force their children to lie, steal, cheat, dissimulate, if it serves their parental purposes
This in no way impinges upon your desire, or that of anyone else to have a baby or parent a child but all one has to do is look around to see the tragic results of children being born into a world where they are considered to be little more than objects of reflected glory for their parents and engines or consumerism or consumers in their own right.
Deep-seated needs to BE loved, rather than GIVE love, support, security, etc., in addition to a lack of available birth control and a need to be seen as virile and/or fertile are often at the root of the birth of any given baby.
Don't even get me started on teenage pregnancy, rape–spousal or otherwise, extreme family pressure, social ostracism of the infertile or childless by choice.
The preceeding was a personal service announcement and has nothing to do with the feelings, thoughts, or sentiments of our august blog owner.
I, obviously, have a very bad attitude about babies, children, parents, Popes, and governments.
"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore."
LIBERTY POST EDITOR: It must be hard to see them grow up and see them heading towards the door after all you give and sacrifice. Yet, you want them to grow and actualize and yet there would be a part of me that would want to hold on and not let go. I experience that with Lily. You be happy too!
Artful Lawyer: I envy your not wanting a baby almost as much as I envy people with kids. I do think that getting what you want, either way, is probably somewhat helpful in getting happiness.
*Should* is a four letter word of sorts. Yet, I feel that should that comes from the culture and that I introjected. It can be hard to blow off and yet I am happier when I do.I admire your knowing what you want and having the courage to be who and what you are.
fashion herald: choosing the right partner has to be at least 50% of happiness. I got that choice right!
staceyjwarner: LOL @ "He's like living with a menopausal woman…" Very funny! Yet, I bet dealing with the many moods is not always funny.
We tried the adoption route and it hurt too bad to try again. So we are accepting what is and complaining as needed.;-)
My manicurist from Vietnam that in her culture people without kids were good in a past life and not having kids is our rewards. Not sure I believe it and yet it somehow comforted me for a little while.;-)
There are those of us who have children and there are those of us who don't. It is not better to have children than not have them it is just different and there is nothing at all wrong with different. 'Happiness' is not more or less because you do or do not have children; the search for happiness is so much more complex than not having children.
This is a great post La Belle and such an interesting one….I wish it was something we could all discuss in person, xv.
Belette, I wonder if my post on the birth last week of my great-nephew has anything to do with this post? You have touched on some very thought provoking topics here. There is nothing sadder to me than watching a happy couple struggle to have a child that they so desire! If a couple chooses NOT to have children, I see Nothing wrong with that. Raising children,
( I have 3 now ages 40, 37 and 31)is a very hard job, One not always full of joy ! Some parents actually have nothing but pure hell once their children reach teen years. I was fortunate that mine never got into trouble or on drugs. I am totally happy that I had my children, however, if I had to make this decision in today's world, I would not choose to have children! I love my grandchildren very much but I would have understood fully if my children had chosen to forgo parenting in this day and age. There is just too much agony and peer pressure put on children now. I do have to say I'm happy and relieved that mine are grown and it's my turn to be just me!Humans tend to want what they don't have and I think this plays a big role in choosing to have children even though they have no idea how difficult raising a child is going to be. I'm happy for anyone to obtain what they feel will bring them happiness but children also bring a great deal of heart ache. Just be happy!
Sal: Thank you so much for the link. The article is fascinating( I do think I want to read the "$0 reasons" book. Sounds interesting. But those comments. Wowza! Pretty heated. Thank you for sharing this with me.
materfamilias: It does seem a bit of bad faith to let our happiness be determined by another or a lack of another. Yet, no happiness is an island.;-)
Lisa: Thank you for understanding. It was the lack of choice about children that makes me really grumpy and unhappy.
Reading about you and your kids consistently makes me happy.:-)
Belette, great post.
indigo16 : I don't feel that juggling pressure and as I am really bad at juggling it might be a good thing. Yet, I feel like I would have been a decent mother(i.e. better than mine). I do see the freedom not having kids gives me and there are times I am very grateful for that and other times I would give up the freedom on a second.You make a really good point. I am convinced that choice and happiness are correlated. Infertility is maddening in that it makes you painfully aware that there are somethings in life you cannot overcome no matter how hard you try and that is a bitter pill to swallow.
John Baldessari works less than two miles away from my house. That is pretty cool. I really do wish I could run into him at the grocery store. Are you going to his show at the Tate? I have never been to the Museum of Jurassic Technology. I must check it out.
La Framéricaine: When we were trying to have a baby it was all the stories about people throwing their babies into trash cans or giving up their parental rights and/or worse made me crazy. Why do those people get kids and we didn't?
Every time I hear a parent talking to their child in a less than loving manner the first thing I think is "why them and not us?" But,as we know, life is so not fair.
I appreciate your strong feelings about the topic. There are MANY unfit parents and the legal, religious and cultural pressures that cause people who shouldn't have kids to have them is something that drives me cookaloo.
My friends who have chosen to not have children are very happy. In fact, the older they get, the happier they are with their decision.
vicki: I do think that the real issue at reported unhappiness in these articles is that women feel pressure to be everything at once and it is just not a reasonable expectation. The myth that we can have it all is I think the reason for unhappiness. We can't have it all and not feel overwhelmed. Overwhelm and happiness never can coexist for me.
I share your wish!
Carol: Your good news came after I wrote this post( I wrote it a week ago Saturday:-).
Thank you so much, Carol!It is a real comfort to hear people be honest about hard child rearing is and how maybe they would have made another choice. It goes a long way in refuting the ads of Johnson and Johnson.
I don't think I ever wanted something as much as I wanted kids and now that we are done trying I am amazed that the ache hasn't consumed me. It hasn't. Infertility taught me a lot about myself and I am stronger than I thought I was. I am grateful for that lesson. I am surprised by the happiness I am feeling, of late, and then something happens and that ache comes back. I think it is likely, for the rest of my life, I will balance these two poles. But I am sure that even if we had kids there would have been another kind of balancing required and not the kind of eternal bliss I imagined it would be.
LPC:Thank you!
Belle de Ville: I have heard that too. I did read once( and I couldn't find the statistics source for this post) that seniors without kids report higher satisfaction with aging than those without kids.
Dear La belette, I was pleased to read of your happiness last week and cheered even more to hear you still feel that way.
I wonder if perhaps, after the long and difficult process of trying to have a child, it might be the beginning of some acceptance of your childlessness? I feel awkward even saying it, in case I'm way off base – and I hope you don't take it the wrong way, as I only wish you continued happiness.
You are right, though, to appreciate your lovely He-weasel. You have been together for a long time, and I envy you that loving, happy and enduring relationship.
Warm wishes to you, x
notSupermum: You are right on. I had a dream a few days ago and there was something I could do to have a baby and I made the decision that I no longer wanted to try. I was done. That the time was over for that. There is a sadness that comes with acceptance and yet there is a freedom too.
Thanks, dear you!:-)
Dear LBR,
A thought-provoking post, and so informative as always. I will refrain from any comments because I would first have to read those articles, and then think about them. Later tonight I hope to do that. And today as I questioned the very same thing first thing in the morning…I think I better read, breathe, meditate, and smile first.
Love you and your post…
-m
Wow what a fascinating find (and one that I would think could be quite "taboo" to suggest that children do not add to your happiness). I thought the finding that happiness increases once the last child leaves the house was hilarious!
I agree with the other people that commented on happiness and that it is such a complex thing. I truly believe that everyone can be happy- no matter what their circumstances. I believe it is something that emanates from within- whether you are in a dire situation or a blissful one- nothing is permanent and we all know that "this too shall pass". So I try to find my inner happiness even in the hardest times of my life. (Going through one now coincidentally and I am shocked by how "happy" I remain). Great post. Thank you for making us all think on a Monday morning!
I have three children, one adopted, and I have to say that I didn't breath, much less have a satisfying life until they were out of the house and on their own. It's the hardest job in the world. I'm glad I'm past that stage of my life.
I think *anyone* who feels a "sense of purpose and meaning in their lives" will be happier than someone who lacks that. I mean of course, right?
And I also think that culturally it's more acceptable to have an exterior sense of purpose (often connected to having children or working in a helping profession) than an interior one (less related to what many view as "sacrifice").
That attitude benefits people who may get external validation for parenting even if they are not particularly good parents. Luckily for the continuation of the species it may offer comfort to those struggling to be better parents!
Of course it doesn't do much for those who can't have children…nor those who "transgress" by choosing *not* to have 'em.
MrsLittleJeans:Reading, breathing, meditating, and smiling is a really good way to start the day. Hope your day is filled with happiness.
The Daily Connoisseur: I am sure that Maureen, Arianna and all who assert this have likely gotten an earful in response to their assertion.
Your philosophy about maintaining your happiness even in the hardest times is admirable.
Linda: It is so rare, at least in my non-blogging life, to hear people admit how hard it is and/or that they were relieved when their kids left the house. Thanks for your honesty. I really appreciate it.
As many have mentioned before me whether or not having chidren makes one happier certainly depends on one's definition of happy as well as the remembered experience depending on the mood you're in when you remember. Does that make sense? As the mother of an adult human being whom I love without question, what more could I say? Things are as they are. I don't know who I'd be had I not but as to whether I'd do it again given what I know now, I'm not so sure.
I think my perspective on this is probably a bit different than most parents, as our child has some significant disabilities.
I love DS more than life, but it's HARD. Sometimes we just get so worn down, working on the same stuff year in and year out, hearing "I want pizza!" for the hundredth time in 15 minutes. But then he'll make some sudden progress somewhere and there's joy in that. Some bits get easier, some harder.
I think if someone is looking to have a child to make them happy, they're looking in the wrong place, and it's a big burden on the child.
But there are rewards and little moments of joy that make you forget all the downsides. Bottom line: it's a mixed bag. The highs may be higher than some life endeavors, but the lows can also be lower.
Spending time with children can definitely lead to depression!
Intriguing and heartfelt post ~ very well-researched post. Interesting about the Sloans…
I have chosen not to have kids, and I wonder if somehow that makes me a social pariah?
xoxox,
CC
Your posts are always full of insights, and delivered with feeling and honesty. What a crazy journey, this life! And, yet I know this … you are such a wonderful and inspiring woman, lovely Belette. Keep being you!
x
Vix: It certainly makes sense to me that purpose and meaning adds to happiness and purpose and meaning are not always easy.
You make a really good point about external vs. internal purpose. I think that western cultures prize extneral over internal every time. I think a lot about how successful aging for seniors is always an extroverted model. Active, social and busy is considered good aging. Staying at home and reading is considered sad.
In general, internal accomplishments aren't seen as important as external goals. It is all about what can be seen and achieved.
susan: It is important in determining happiness to define what happiness means to you. That we share a language can make understanding each other very difficult. I know for me happiness and meaning and purpose all are closely linked. The kind of happiness they show in films or in ads I don't relate to. But, yes, determining the meaning is an important place to start.
Deja Pseu: Really well said! No, it shouldn't be a child's job to make one happy or save a marriage or to live out the parent's unfulfilled dreams through. I suppose people who have those motivations have much less satisfaction as parents. And as a non-parent I can tell you I am in awe of all the work you do and how you still manage to blog, work and have interests of your own. If I had a child I feel sure I would be way too tired to blog!;-)
WendyB:Very true.
Couture Carrie: I don't think it carries the taboo it once did. But still, I do find myself feeling judged now and then about our childlessness.
Carol Anne: You are too kind and I love you for it!:-)
Although I could never have imagined loving someone as much as I love myself, it appears I love my children even more. And yet, it is a love fraught with worry, because they are so young and so dependent on me. I don't know if I would describe myself as happy, but I am content.
I think happiness is a very relative thing. My husband and I, like the Sloans, have chosen not to have children. However, we're still young enough to where we revisit the topic every once in a while, just in case one of us has changed their mind. In fact, we're quite happy just as we are, but we also know from our friends who do have children that they can't imagine life without their little kiddos. On the other hand, we have friends who touch their hearts before admitting that their marriage is not quite the magic it used to be before kids – too many distractions. So, who's right and who's wrong? Our lives are what we make them out to be, but sometimes the choices are taken out of our hands. I think our best bet, childless or parent, is to live life to the fullest with what we have, and to never stop hoping for what's best for us – we never know what gifts might be right around the corner.
This post really took up a matter with some surprising development, including all the comments. We can see that to be a parent or not and the "hapiness" around it is not so 100% obvious. Maybe you were surprised and I was also partly surprised to find so many express their doubt about the "need" to be a parent. I think that there is an enormous joy when you have a desired child; the problems follow later, life changes, the couple is not more in the centre… not mentioning the difficulty to get them all the way through childhood, schools, university… You have them for 25 years at least, with a mixture of joys and worries. I have probably been what you could call a "happy parent" of two; no major difficulties, but you can't help asking what life would have been if they were not there? A lot of things could perhaps have been done, which time and money did not allow?
The best part is perhaps to be a grandparent, but it means of course that you have to go through the first phase!
Now, how do you define "hapiness"? There are so many other terms and expressions for just feeling good and in balance with yourself and life in general!
As one who is at the crossroads trying to decide if now is the right time, or should we wait until we've explored more, I get it from both sides. If we discuss why we don't want to have a baby right now, or people ask us why we've been married a couple years aren't we going to get a move on, then we're seen as rebels. I don't get it.
If we talk about how we might like one, because there is comfort in knowing the sooner we have them, the younger we will be when they leave the nest and we can resume our lifestyle free again, then we're told to wait, enjoy this time.
We get crazy looks either way. But babies change everything. I have seen that with nearly all my close friends. They change everything, and you have to make sure you are ready for that. We're still contemplating.
This is really just so thought provoking…I wonder sometimes if childless couples are happier because they've had the unusual level of courage to defy convention and go childless. Perhaps their strong sense of what is right for them, regardless of what pressures they feel from society serves them well in other areas of their lives?
that study gives me a lot to think about! I'm not even in a relationship so it's sort of a moot point, but I worry about whether or not I want to be a parent at some point. I'm not sure I could be that unselfish, if that makes any sense. A thought-beard scratcher of a post, Belette!
I have two philosophy teachers. one has a baby boy and is incredibly irritating when he talks about him the whole time.
My other one constantly maintains that he thinks having children is one of the most selfish immoral acts from an environmental point of view. He is way cooler. I also sort of agree with him. xxx
so you're finally ready to see the "pros" list of no kids?
there are pros and cons to EVERYTHING*.
*almost everything
I'm with the research but only because having your love split between yourself, your kids and hubbie is bound to compromise your freedom to do as you please. Is it having the freedom to do what you want that makes you happier? I'm not sure but if you haven't that freedom might you want to reclaim it and therefore you think happiness would come more with less responsibility.
If it were just me and Mr MDS we would be happier with each other but then we are happy with having children but it did affect our bubble.
Angie:Content is really good.:-)
Nevine: It is so strange for me to read that the thing I wanted most in my life might not have made me *happy*. Yet, I don't really believe the statistic as I don't think it is likely that I share the idea of *happiness* with all those questioned. Actually, I think there are as many ideas of happiness as there are snowflakes. Here is hoping that we all get our version of it—even if it isn't what we thought it would be.
Peter: I was very surprised. And, I have to say that I found the comments even more surprising and affirming.
I am happy you found parenting to be a happy experience. I wish with all my heart that everyone would find it so. Just because I can't have them doesn't mean I would wish unhappiness on anyone. It would be a different world if all parents could find a way to enjoy their role as a parent and the miracle that is their child.
I am going to spend sometime thinking about my definition. I know for sure that my definition involves having people that I love in my life and having a purpose. Beyond that I think there are trees, cold weather and writing involved in my definition.
Kalee: It is a double bind and a bit confusing when you hear the reactions. Isn't it? So many parent I talk to tells me how lucky I am not to have kids and yet it is obvious how much they love their kids. If people talked about this about marriage I feel sure less people would marry. With marriage it seems everyone idealizes it and then over 50% get divorced.
Laura :It is my hunch that well over 50% of couples are childless not by choice. For those of us in this category we didn't chose it—so hearing that likely a good number of that group is happy really gives me hope. Yet there is a part of me that feels sure that members of this group don't ever get over this emptiness. I hope I am wrong.
For those who chose being child free I feel sure they are much happier as they got what they want.
Wondering K: Ooh, I want to add this a blog post category "A thought-beard scratcher of a post". Thanks, K!
pretty face: LOL! New parents can be irritating. I know I can be irritating about Lily. New love makes people act a little stupid.;-)
up and down town: I begrudgingly admit that there are good things about not having kids.;-)
Make Do Style: I would likely miss my freedom that I have now and that I am long used to. I hope that if I had kids I would have been able to understand I chose to sacrifice my freedom for something more. That said, I am sure there days when I would be somewhat grumpy about it.
And it really makes sense how marital satisfaction goes down after the birth of a child. Baby comes first and everybody else get in line.;-)
I'll go out on a limb here and aver that maybe we are either happy or unhappy at any given time, regardless of our child-ed or child-free status.
I know I've been completely elated, completely deflated, and everything in between all my life, including the last two years—two years which include my step-daughter, 13. She's certainly brought a lot of unexpected joy into my life, and I say this as a woman who strove (is that a word) all her life NOT to have children. I didn't want children. I took every precaution not to have any.
When I met Mr.OM three years ago, he informed me 10 minutes into our first date that he had full-time custody of his daughter (10 at the time). I had to decide right then what I was prepared to commit to. It was a lightning decision I'm glad I made.
There have been tough times, and I'm obviously not equating my experience with that of having a baby (!), but melding our family together was the toughest thing I've ever done. It's also been the most rewarding thing I've ever done.
Belette, I do agree with Jennifer that happiness is an internal thing and I know women from both sides of the coin. Women who are happy with their children, women who are gutted by not being able to conceive, women who are totally miserable with their life and children. I didn't plan to have my daughter and had her late in life. With the lack of sleep etc it can be a wild ride but far more exhilarating than I would have believed. I became the sort of woman I had always vowed I'd hate to become. I do love spending time with her doing all the games and reading although there are times I would far prefer to be writing or doing my own thing. If I had not had her – I would have still been happy. I would be doing my overseas trips and following the life I already had and I would feel complete. I honestly believe that to be true. But thank god I was blessed because the love I have for her is so sweet and overwhelming. That's just my personal response. xx
heartfelt post. i felt your emotions through the screen. thanks for being so transparent.
on another note:
I wanted to let you know about my blog address change. *sigh* If you're following me, my posts now won't show up in your feed, dashboard, sidebar, whatever. So please forgive me, but you'll have to change the address for my main writing blog, Where Romance Meets Therapy, to http://jeanniecampbell.blogspot.com. To do this, you have to "unfollow" me and follow me again. Sorry for the confusion!
Jeannie
The Character Therapist
Belette,
My mother never let me live with the idea of falling in love with rocking a baby because she told me they grow up and you just never know how things will turn out.
While that might be a simple answer-I agree with you, I wanted to have the option. We never got that option no how hard we prayed, tried, switched doctors or cried.
We are now learning to revel in the beauty of our lives as they are. Which isn't too bad!
I know you are just coming to terms with your infertility somewhat recently.
Again, you have a post here that should be in a magazine. I'm so glad you'll be on Kindle, as your readership should broaden. And you have important things to share.
I have never regretted my decision to not have children. I could say ditto ditto ditto about Shar's comments at the beginning, except add one more dog and the cats to the mix and we really are a happy family.
The happiness rate, according to Gilbert, increases only when the last child has left home.
I will certainly not suffer empty nest syndrome.
"Homer, you remember your promise to the kids."
"Sure do! When you're 18, you're out the door!"
well dear Belette, you have said quite a lot here. much of what you have written rings true to me. for me, if there existed a society where community and sharing of goods, work, and friendship were prevalent, then i would want to have children. but this idea of i've got mine, you get yours and then we'll talk about what we got turns me off. it's a fight. a fight and a positioning for schools, stuff, and money. the idea of simply enjoying work, friendship, the little ones and a cup of tea is non existent… if there were more of it then i would want in.
I also think the media, particularly advertising, can put too much pressure on us. It sometimes portrays (so called) perfection and high levels of achievement and reinforces attitudes and objectives which are not suitable for our environment or our current life circumstances.
Hug to you for happiness.
Having kids will change everything.
LBR: Such a loaded topic, so beautifully blogged about…. I am touched too deeply to discuss here except to say "Yes." Well done.
enc: The message I am taking from your experience is that we can behappy even if we didn't get what we want or planned—happiness is still possible. That is a really important message and one I am going to ask you to remind me of every now and then. Sometimes I forget.
Josephine: You have a very sweet and gorgeous daughter( nothing you don't know;-) and I am sure your life is happier, sweeter and more filled with delight because of her.
For me, I don't think I will ever fill complete. Something will always be missing and that won't go away and I am okay with that. However, most days I am pretty sure I will be happy even with this absence.
Jeannie: Thanks and thanks for letting me know about your new blog!
Stephanie: So you didn't have the baby in arms fantasy? The little hand around the neck is what I dream of. I dream of the sleeping baby in my arms too. Le sigh.
I wish that things had turned out differently for both of us. But I am happy that we are both finding happiness.
Lydia: Thank you so much. Your kind compliment means a lot to me.
Without my dog I assure you I still would be VERY unhappy. Animals add big time to happiness.
Randal: Send them to me. I'll take them before they are 18.;-)
chittychat: I sooooo wish you had a blog. You always add so much to the conversation. Please, start a blog!!!
I do think that advertisers like us to have kids. They can sell us more stuff. They also want us to buy homes so more stuff will be bought. If we were happy as things are then we wouldn't be susceptible to so much stuff.
Hugs to you too.
Savvy Gal: That is what I hear.;-)
giggles: Thank you so much. I feel that you feel it.:-)
I have to agree word for word with the comments from Freida Bee, Md.
My children have brought to my life powerful and intense feelings of love, but also aquainted me with vulnerability which is quite frightening.
Hapiness only ever comes from within one's self.The mistake we make regarding happiness is that we think it is supposed to be a permanent state.
It is supposed to ebb and flow and one must learn to ride the tide in harmony.Easier said than done.
xx
Martha: I have always admired the distinctions of the founding father's of the U.S. The pursuit of happiness is as good as we can expect. Contentment is a really good thing and happiness is elusive. I think the more we chase it the slipperier it can be.
Thank you, Belette. First, selfishly, thanks for your comments on my post on the similar subject, and second for continuing the discussion here. So fascinating. I was also taken aback by the children-make-you-unhappy finding in the study. Yet I can see how it's true.
You fall in love with that bald baby in the sink, and approximately twelve years later, after you've built your life around him, he starts not wanting to be around you. And it only continues. You literally have to find another thing to build your life around or you'll become one of those impossible overbearing mothers he hates as an adult. I'm finding this reality quite hard to deal with.
Having a spouse and a child have brought me the most joy and the most sorrow I've ever had. This week I've been wailing at the universe, "where's my second baby?" but probably I couldn't handle one.
Well, you know my take! While I love my child and cannot imagine a world without her, I certainly wouldn't do it again, knowing what I know now of my suitability for parenthood – and the sheer relentlessness of caring for someone forever. Would I feel alright my urge to have a child had been thwarted? Well, that I can't say. But I can say that, for me, though indisputably worthy, having a kid is more challenge than fun.
LBR–for what it's worth, my friends without children are VERY happy. They travel, shop, and just enjoy each day as a couple.
Since adopting my son–my life has involved a different kind of happiness. It has much less to do with things that bring me joy–but I revel in all of my little guy's accomplishments and milestones.
I think the key is to accept what comes and enjoy it. Be it a sticky two year old…a puppy's kiss….or your husband.
There are definitely days when I miss curling up on the couch with a great book or sleeping in
Fascinating research Belette – and I can imagine it would be so – marriage is so much harder with kids than without. Sleep deprivation is rampant, choice is taken away, your life to a certain extent, becomes about your children and no longer yourself (until they leave home). Decisions are made not on what you personal would want, but on what is best for the whole. Yep, we give up some happiness when we choose to have kids.
Still, it doesn't stop me from loving them and being glad I've had them, I'm just more grouchy!
Glad you're feeling happy so much of the time these days. That makes me happy to hear.