I am, as one would be in my shoes, a little hesitant to discuss my happiness. My fear, because of my history, both recent and ancient, makes my hypervigilant about not saying in too loud of voice that I am happy as I fear as soon as I say it my happiness will be taken from me. It has happened. My mother is especially gifted at taking any good thing that happens to me and turn it into an occasion of grief. She will remind me how short lived happiness is and that this good thing isn’t as good as it could be and that in fact it really isn’t that good anyways. Or, if she is in a different kind of mood she will envy the good thing and ask how it can benefit her. Either way the happiness is taken and I am left feeling worse than I did before the good thing arrived.
There have been other happinesses that have been taken from me by no fault of my own and no fault of my mother. Fate, dumb luck, or bad luck have on occasion taken the happy out of my hands before I had time to even notice that I was happy. Not this time.
Thanks to Igor and to my hard work, I have somehow moved from sort of happy, mildly hedonic and happy-ish into full blown happy. I only came to that conclusion yesterday when in my session with Igor I did a little review of my accomplishments in our almost one year together and I felt truly proud of myself. I had survived a year in L.A. I am no longer depressed. I am no longer on Vitamin W. I have managed to end friendships with bird friends. I have established healthy boundaries with my mother. I have completed two book proposals. I just finished Chapter One of Thursdays with Igor. Chapter Two is almost finished. By next week the proposal for Thursday with Igor will be ready to submit. After I shared all my successes with Igor I felt strangely self-satisfied, “That’s a lot for a year” I said in an uncharacteristic tone of glee. Igor agreed in a tone that communicated that he too was celebrating my success and his.
I left Igor’s office floating on Cloud Seven( only two clouds away from 9) and thought the strangest thing, “I am living in Valencia and I am happy.” If that doesn’t sound like a huge accomplishment to you that means you have never been in Valencia. As I drove home I thought of even more things I have accomplished this year: I have the best hair I have ever had ( thank you, Hair Angel). I got my darling dog-aughter. I have trained her to do many amazing and impressive tricks. I managed to maintain the blog during some really difficult times. My joy grew to the point that I realized a celebration was in order.
I stopped at Whole Foods and bought a bottle of champagne, two ridiculously expensive steaks and I came home and made a cake. I felt so good that I even wanted to work out. Weird, huh? I wish you were here to celebrate as I know that you, dear reader, have played a large part in all of this. I feel sure I wouldn’t have managed all of this without you. Thank you for your support, encouragement, and for being here. Your presence makes a difference in my life and for that I thank you. Since I can’t give you any cake or champagne I give you Lily.
In your honour Lily does her celebratory dance of joy. Care to join her?