Before I get to the confrontation I thought I would do a quick review of the events that lead up to it:
- July 9th I got mad at how Igor interpreted the Dave Eggers dream. I was sure he was saying that he thought I should give up writing.
- Two weeks ago I got mad at him for bringing up his sister who hated L.A. and moved to France and her adopted baby and talking about He-weasel’s job instead of me.
- Last Thursday I saw him and brought in the bulldozer dream and he didn’t seem to get it. And, as I felt weak, hurt and pretty fragmented I did not confront him or tell me how I really felt—and told him I was going to go on an extended vacation.
- Friday night I dreamt that I went to my old hairdresser that ruined my hair and who had a bit of a crush on me. The old hairdresser wasn’t happy to see me which seemed odd to me. He cut my hair. He cut it so short that it was above my ears. I was furious. I told him I was not leaving until he fixed it. I told him he had to put on extensions and make it right.
The bulldozer dream seemed to say that what was productive had become destructive and that anger was the best course of action. I got angry. I wrote about my anger here and I went and told him about it( flipping him off, so to speak). The last dream with the haircut gone wrong once I saw the damage I refused to leave. Each dream has a different course of action in regards to Igor.
The haircut dream and your comments made me feel that I needed to not just cut off from Igor. Rather, because of the bad cut I needed to extend it and have things made right and not just flip him off and walk away. As many of you kindly counseled, it is important to let him know how I feel. Freida Bee, MD said…Ok, Belette. I do not know whether you should break up with Igor or not, but I do do do think you should tell him how you are feeling in an attempt to resolve this before you break up. It may be the most valuable part of your therapy.
By Saturday morning I knew I had to see him again. I had to tell him how exactly I felt and how he had been pissing me off. As Linda said, “In the end, you need to talk to him, before you tell him to fuck off…in my opinion, it would be good to tell him every single thing you can remember he said, and how it made you feel and find out specifically what the meaning is behind some of the strangeness.” “Go back and explain how he made you feel – noting that these feelings, generated by his stories, are not what your expectations are.”
I have seen Igor for nine months and feel like we have done a lot of good work and it just seemed wrong to leave without telling him what I was feeling. K-line said, “I do think Igor has participated with you in some fantastic self-development. Occasionally, I have been blown away by his insights…..Is it also possible that he was just having a really off day and wasn’t using his best professional demeanour? (to put it mildly).”
As Seraphine said, “relationships should be easy at least 90% of the time.” By that measure Igor and I have a great relationship.
Imogen really hit the point home when she said: “I’m glad you didn’t break up with He-Weasel first disagreement you had (I’m assuming you’ve had a disagreement or two)“. Oooh, yeah, that really got to me. Imogen is right. This is the first disagreement I have had with Igor. And doesn’t every relationship have a disagreement or two—even my relationship with He-weasel has had a few.
I called Igor first thing Monday morning to schedule an appointment with him for 4:15 that day. Between the time I called him and saw him I read and reread all of your comments and I was enormously comforted by them. I read them aloud to He-weasel and he said, “I wouldn’t want to be in Igor’s shoes right now. There’s nothing more protective or fierce than Belette blog readers.” He-weasel was deeply touched by the generous outpouring of support I received from all of you.
I got to Igor’s office an hour early. It was far too hot to sit outside at a cafe and write in my journal. His waiting room was also not an option as it is not air conditioned and I can tell you that it is not a gross hyperbole to compare it to a Native American sweat lodge. I didn’t have the spiritual strength to endure the sweat lodge so I walked over to David’s Shoes and tried on several pair of sandals as a means of time killing. First I tried a pair of Donald Pliner mules that I liked but weren’t very practical or comfortable. Next I tried a pair of Michael Kors high heeled thongs that I really liked and finally a pair of Amalfi black patent sandals with a two tone heel. The Amalfi sandals won out as they were 50% off, cute and very comfortable. That took all of 15 minutes and I was back to the sweat lodge with new shoes in hand.
I couldn’t take the heat so I stood in the doorway waiting for 4:10 to arrive. When 4:10 did come I went into his office and he immediately came out to greet me. He looked especially chipper and happy to see me, which only made me feel worse. I was nervous, in fact I was so nervous about confronting him that I had to take something for anxiety just to get myself to do it. Once I began to speak I did a whole lot of disclaiming, “I am not an angry person. I hate doing this. I don’t blame you. I am sorry. I want you to know that just because I am angry it doesn’t mean I don’t like you.” I went on and on with disclaimer after disclaimer. At one point I went as far as asking him if he wanted me to leave. He asked me, before I began reading the charges against him, where I had learned that if you are angry at someone they will hate you or reify you and not see you as a whole object but will instead forever hold it against you. I really didn’t have an answer for him.
After I cycled through my disclaimers another time I timidly read the charges against him that I had documented in my diary.
“#1) Your interpretation of the Dave Eggers dream followed by you asking me about going back to work seems to indicate that you think I should give up writing.”
As soon as I said it out loud it sounded ridiculous and in that moment I knew it wasn’t true.
I moved onto the second charge.
“#2) As soon as you heard about New Jersey and that we might be moving there it was as if you abandoned me and no longer cared about me or took our work seriously. It was as if I was no longer your patient and so you spent the session talking about He-weasel’s job and then when I told you the baguette dream you told me about your sister in France who adopted a baby. That seemed sadistic. It seemed as if you were trying to depress me.”
“I would have to be a mean shit to do something like that? Wouldn’t I?” Igor asked.
I thought of what PenNolan said: “I doubt he’s self-absorbed and mean.” PenNolan is right.
He’s not. I know he cares about me. I don’t believe for a second that
he intentionally tried to hurt me. I really don’t.
I explained that I felt as if he hadn’t taken the Whole Foods/baguette dream seriously. His interpretation was all about him. I felt that he missed something fundamental about me and that the dream was saying that too. As Chittychat said, “The feelings a dream evokes are meant to be a really important part of the meaning of that dream. As the baguette dream left you feeling upset and misunderstood, it would seem that Igor probably is currently failing to understand your surface (or maybe top) issues and resources (a guess as to what the whole foods really are) let alone address your deeper resources. His rudeness in disclosing his sister’s personal situation and then ignoring your obvious anguish, is shameful. ”
Or as Linda said: “Perhaps he thinks your dream meant you don’t think you are getting your money’s worth, so are bringing something of MORE( the groceries) worth in terms of real cash, and so he is taking a weird tangent OR he was really thrown by it all, your frankness and the sexual undertones too, and just didn’t know what to do for the session…I don’t get the self-disclosure at all…“
I wish I had been as articulate as Chittycat or Linda had been. I was much less so. I said simply, “It really hurt and felt cruel that you would bring up your sister. And, I just don’t feel like you are getting something basic about me. The Whole Foods dream said as much. I understand that there are times when self disclosure is clinically important but in this case it just felt cruel and inappropriate.”
He said something in response to my charge but it was not the kind of apology I had hoped for—-in fact it was not an apology at all. He said stuff about him bumbling through the session and how his unconscious had been in the room and something about there being two Belettes. One Belette is strong, funny, and loves spontaneity. The other Belette is very vulnerable. Igor said, “I forgot for a moment about the second Belette.”
I knew what he was saying but what I wanted him to say that he did not is “I am sorry.” I waited through the session as we talked about my hurt, pain, the loss and the grief I felt because I felt I could no longer trust him or work with him.
“I feel like I am going backwards” I explained, “the last two weeks I have felt like I am back where I was before we started working together. I didn’t realize until you failed me how much hope you carry for me. You carry the hope that I can get over my baby grief; hope that I can find a home; hope that I will finish my book; hope that I can heal the sensitivity that prevents me from sending my work out. I feel like I lost all of that hope last Thursday.”
“No wonder it feels so frightening and dangerous—and that you are so anxious. You were cut off from the little hope you had.”
Tears came against my will.
Half way through the session the power went out in Igor’s building. No A/C , fan or lights. We sat in darkness and heat and attempted to find a connection that had been cut off.
Igor talked about a lot of things in response to my charges and I could tell that he was able to take my anger and still continue to care about me. I could feel that. But, I did finding myself wanting more. I wanted him to apologize.
When my 5o minutes were up Igor asked me, “Will you be back on Thursday?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s okay. There is time between now and Thursday. But I hope that you do.”
Igor got up from his chair when I stood to leave and he hugged me. He hugged me not like a man, or a friend, a father or even as a therapist. He hugged me like a bear. There was a strength to his hug that said things that he didn’t say in the session but that were transmitted through the fierceness of his embrace and the quiet instructions he whispered in my ear, “take care of yourself.” I tried to nod in affirmation but I was paralyzed by the intensity of his grip.
I struggled between my feelings of anger, disappointment with his lack of a direct apology and the certainty that he cares and that he has helped me a lot and that I trust him and I can feel the fierceness of concern in the residue of the embrace. I felt conflicted and unsure whether I would be returning and whether this would be the last time I ever saw him.
I scanned the room trying to take in every book, every tchotchke, and detail that I had never taken the time to consider. It seemed important to memorize the heights of the stacks, the weaves of the carpet and the ephemera of his outer life: keys and sunglasses that sit on his desk. I stared at his face as he spoke to me hoping that if I focused hard enough I could remember what he looks like, when I leave.
I left Igor’s office and walked out into the dark hallway. I made a sound to indicate my surprise by the darkness. I noticed in me a wish that Igor would have come to my rescue, that he would have anticipated the darkness and walked me to the stairwell to make sure I was alright. He didn’t. I found my way out on my own.
Things I am sure of after seeing him:
a) He is not cruel or sadistic.
b) He doesn’t think I should quit writing.
c) He did not make up an imaginary sister.
d) He did not say the things about his sister to intentionally hurt me or provoke me.
e) He can take my anger and that is important. As, Where to from here? shared,
“From my own experience in therapy being angry with the therapist is a vital part of the process. In my last bout of therapy with a male therapist – I felt I’d made an enormous break through as he was the only one (of four over the years) that I could actually express my anger to. Igor is bound to get things wrong – he’s human and a man too.”
f) It was good for me to confront him.
g) I don’t want to work with someone else. Finding a good therapist is harder than the needle in a haystack or a non-acting waiter in L.A.
h) All of my upsets with Igor have brought some very important issues to the fore. As the ever wise Wendy B said “It seems like all of this is bringing up key issues. Is that part of the treatment or just unnecessary annoyance? Could you make progress from this? All progress is painful (that’s why I try to avoid progressing). If he really is pushing you forward, does it matter if you like the way he’s doing it? Would you dislike the way anyone was pushing you forward because you don’t want to confront those things? Again, I don’t know….since I am not there and not you. He could just be an asshole. But I wonder because you have seemed to have a lot of success with him and I didn’t get the impression he was an asshole before.”
i) He gives great hugs.
j) He is not an asshole.
k) I would miss him if I quit.
Even though I know all that, I also know I want the apology. I will ask for it on Thursday and see what happens. Even if I don’t get the kind of apology I want I wonder if there is a way I can continue to work with him. Wendy asked me, “What if he will never take as much responsibility as you would like him to? Will that actually help you with learning to cope with the situations over which you have no control, and is the fact that his behavior won’t change a moot point? Or is it abusive? I really have no idea at all. I guess “go with your gut” is the best plan.”
My gut is of two minds and until my gut has made up its mind I don’t have to make a decision. There is no hurry. I am in the dark for no
w and I will find my way out of it.
Wow – I'm so glad you went back and confronted him instead of just quitting. You are not a quitter by nature and would have never got the answers you needed by quitting.
He was having an off day – a refund may be in order! Isn't your therapist the last person in the world you should lie to or hide stuff from? They are there to be non-judgemental and help you through all that shit that you may not want to burden your friends with. He can take it!
A load off your chest, a bear hug and new shoes! What a day!
xx
Ma belle belette
I've been waiting for the time zone thingy all morning so that I could read what happened chez Igor.
Your post about your meeting with Igor today brought tears to my eyes. You are a brave woman and you did what you had to do. For some reason I feel really moved to write to you about this episode as it mirrors my experience in therapy recently. From my perspective for Igor the 'bear hug' was the apology.
A huge hug from London.
I'm relieved that you saw him. And honestly, I don't expect you to get much satisfaction from an "I'm sorry" but I do think or at least hope you will make more progress continuing to work with Igor.
And I'm always glad to hear about a new pair of shoes.
I am happy you saw him, and you have made some important realizations.
I think the bear hug was the apology, especially that following the admission that he was bumbling, and that he hoped you would come back. For some people that hug is the all of the apology. I don't think you would see much satisfaction from the actual words as they are meaningless to him in this context — he would be saying something that you wanted to hear just because you wanted to hear it — it would ring hollow and he has already apologized in his best way. I know you would like to hear the words, you are a writer and you love words, but I think you would be disappointed. It seems to me that you want real trust and respect, not hollow, "I said this because you asked" trust and respect. Part of that must be mutual, that you must trust the sincerity of the bear hug.
I don't know what you need from Igor, or what you can work with. If you push Igor for your kind of apology are you learning and moving forward? or are you retreating, expecting the world to give you exactly what you want, hiding behind the absence of the actual words, and not learning to cope with well-intentioned differences?
Your gut will know when the time comes. Trust your gut.
This is such an amazing post Miss LBR. I'm struck by the way the quasi-Aristotelian approach provoked your own thoughts and answers. Everyone's comments are so thoughtful and insightful. I'm just glad you told him how you are feeling about the relationship.
Personally I don't fully understand Igor's methods, for example why he elects not to make any comment when the power goes out for half the session, and other things, but that's just me. And you know how I feel about the choices available to you vis-a-vis your future with Igor.
More than anything, the post is demonstrative of your many and varied incredible gifts. You know how much hope we think the future holds for you, and how closely we keep you in our thoughts and prayers.
Hugs to you,
tp
PS: The Consort says if Wendy is willing to share her half of AllTheMoneyBeingPrinted, he will make her share. So there.
i think if, after all this, the result is that you are able to tell someone who made you angry exactly what you need (a genuine and explicit apology),that, in and of itself, would be of value. no?
And if you don't get your verbal apology, you can always slug him in the jaw. (I figured no one else would suggest that, since everyone always beats me to what I would've said anyway).
What ever you decide, it will be the right decision.
Hi dear. What a powerful post, and I'm so glad you went through this painful process to talk to Igor. It sounds grueling but maybe that's why we call therapy "work."
I tend to agree with what others have said about Igor's apology hug. For my part, I believe that I want "I'm sorrys" when I want the other person to take care of my emotions. I want them to say they were wrong, so I can be right. I don't know if you're doing this.
I think Igor said you were right by acknowledging that he forgot about the other Belette. I've often heard from my sponsor that disappointing people is not the same as harming them. I don't have to say I'm sorry because someone else was disappointed. I can acknowledge but I don't have to make myself the bad guy.
As a codependent woman myself, I can say I'm sorry about five thousand times a day and end up feeling like a Sorry Excuse for a Human. Today I say I'm sorry when I really harmed somebody, like treated them disrespectfully.
I wonder if Igor was doing something like this.
You did a very brave thing and I support you as you go ahead! xo
It took A LOT to confront him, beautiful. You're a total star for doing that. Keep us posted on your decision, of course.
Imogen: Thank you so much for your comment. I took it to heart. The part about not leaving He-weasel at the first disagreement really got me thinking. Thank you!
Igor and I still have stuff to talk about in regards to all this. I am still asking for my verbal apology even though it won't likely be satisfying.
And the shoes are great. Must take a picture of them. I LOVE them. The bear hug was good too.
Thanks, Imogen. I really appreciate your friendship.
xo and pbc
Where to from here?:
As you can tell, I was moved by your comments today. Really, everyone's support and comments just blew me away. I could palpably feel the support in the same way I could feel Igor's 'bear hug' was the apology.
A huge hug from Valencia.
WendyB: Thank you for your support and wise feedback. I was telling He-weasel last night that you would be a great therapist. Amazing insight, my friend.
My shoes are really gorgeous. He-weasel who can occasionally be immune to the charms of a shoe was wowed by these.
Now I'm crying because I got mad at Igor! Mind you that could be the swine flu too but seriously I could hug him now. Gosh you see the stupid dump crew (including me of course) were wrong and the intellectual gang were spot on – well right about what was right for you. Except he-weasel was the rightest ( I know this word does not exist) of all about her being protective.
I'm crying like a silly one but so happy hope springs eternal and I was right about one thing Igor would never think you couldn't write.
xxx
Pretty powerful, my dear!
Might it be fair to say that you have learned, through this experience, that it's safe to show anger to someone you care about who is powerful, masculine, older (I'm not saying he's a projection of a father figure, but . . .). In some ways, isn't the apology better withheld? In that we can't always (ever?) control how other people respond, but we can change our own behaviour.
Whether Igor apologizes or not is his choice, but your decision to express anger rather than bottle it up was your own — I'd say if his withholding that apology (which in many ways would provide a very satisfying ending to your story, but perhaps a too slick one, no?) helps you — or even pushes you — to learn that lesson. So much work you're doing and such rewards! Good for you!
I meant about us being protective of you – tears means I can't see when typing!
That's a dad hug.
I'm so impressed by the insight of your commenters. Do they have an hourly rate? I could use a little "therapy by blog."
Of course, you're the one who took it all in, thought about it, and made the decision to move forward. You're very brave and obviously committed to the process, and I for one am inspired by you.
Last of all – I wouldn't worry about the book. This is a fantastic turning point, if nothing else. I can't wait to see what comes next!
Wow, you kick ass!! What courage it took to confront your own fears, the loss of hope, the "voice of reason", the "expert in the room". I am so impressed by and thrilled for you.
And what symbolism – a blackout! You gotta love that. Isn't that what we're all doing in every relationship, much of the time – stumbling along trying to make sense of a lot of nonsense.
I def think that confronting him was turning the lights on in your own psyche. How many times couldn't you do that with your own parents? You have achieved so much this week.
What a therapetic group of followers. Confrontations can be good – if they don't get out of hand. And to top it off – a pair of new shoes to enjoy!
Belette…in this case, confrontation was a good thing!
I'm so proud of your courage and strength!
Mardel: It did help to hear him admit that he was bumbling and the hug did touch me( on both levels). You are right, as a writer I do love to hear the words. Subtext is rarely as satisfying and I know that subtext can never be read objectively. We are not where we were before all of this. I see him tomorrow and I am nervous again. I will be looking to see if he is mad at me or seems to be withdrawing from me. Lots of issues are stirred up.
Mardel, are you saying that the world is not going to give me exactly what I want?;-) I don't, as you know, enjoy ambiguity. I fear this situation will require more tolerating ambiguity.
thepreppyprincess: Thanks, Lovely. I am blown away by everyones comments and support. I am totally blown away. I am one lucky weasel to have such lovely friends.
I am not sure about anything now and as hard as that is maybe it is good. But, as I just told Mardel—I hate ambiguity.
Thank you, dear TP, for your friendship and your warm and supportive comment.
PS: Thank the Consort for me. I will work on Wendy and see if half the money in the world is enough for her.
up and down town: I am so bad at confrontation. I am more of a disappearer( I know it is not a word). I still crave and will ask for an explicit apology. We'll see what happens.
In the over 10 years of head shrinking I have had many altercations with my therapists. I needed to learn to be angry and express that, and not be in fear that "he" (male therapist) was going to run away at the first sight of my annoyance. He didn't and we worked through it as uncomfortable as it was. The times when I did have "confronting" sessions they were always freebies.
But I must be honest, the devil of my shoulder is always saying, who's paying who.
I would see how you feel, you have put a lot of work into this and in the scheme of things this can be worked out with time. Maybe this is uncomfortable for you and you have built Igor up on a pedestal and he is showing he is only human (which is always such a bore).
xxx
Wow, that took some guts La Belette. I hope you make the decision that is right for YOU. x
Randal: I wouldn't want to break a nail. Can you come with me to therapy tomorrow? I'll buy you a new pair of shoes.
Kristen: Three things I wish: 1) Your gorgeous comment from Thursday was still up. LOVE it!
2) That you know how much your support means to me.
3) That we could meet up for some shallow coffee.;-)
sallymandy:Seriously, Monday was grueling. I am still physically and emotionally exhausted from it. And tomorrow is another Igor day.
You make a really good point about how wanting "I'm sorry"can be about wanting the other person to take care of my emotions.
I told Igor that it was really important to me if we moved forward that he not just focus on the vulnerable Belette. I would hate it if he forgot about the other Belette. I like the strong, brave, funny and spontaneous me.
LOL @ "Sorry Excuse for a Human" when you over apologize. I tend to be an over apologizer. When I bump into the wall I apologize to it. When people run into me I apologize to them.
I do think if he would have immediately apologized I would have lost the opportunity to confront him. I see that. I am still hurting but I do feel that this confrontation was a huge step for me.
Personal change is so difficult–I know from my own struggles–but you are brave and stronger than you know to keep on, not surrender to bad days and small detours. I think the others may be right–the hug was a deeply felt apology. I understand you want the words themselves and you should certainly talk to Igor about it, but what will the words give you? What do you want him to mean by I'm sorry? "I'm sorry I hurt you", "Sorry I was such a jerk"? More than apologizing for his behavior, are you really asking him to acknowledge that you were *right* to be so hurt and upset? (I don't know the answers, I'm just asking questions I've asked myself and that might be helpful.) On a happier note–your writing is beautiful! I was so moved when you described looking around his office, observing the details you might need to remember him by. I confess, when the power went off, it seemd like a portent from above–but a portent of what, I wasn't sure. A warm hug from New England, Caterinya
I've been following and wanted to comment, but, well —unfortunately, you know.
Your bravery is what stands out to me. I am impressed, disclaimers or not, that you laid this all out on the table. No matter what happens that is pretty darned huge if you ask me.
The power outage is so metaphorically rich I absolutely cannot even begin to go there, btw…well, except so say that the fact you stumbled your way out of there in the dark just after bringing your issues to light is literary gold, writer to writer
Okay, you know I always have to go there at least a little.
I can feel how unresolved this totally is for you and your anxiety is still on the surface. I'm sorry you are experiencing all this….I hope with all my heart that your next visit achieves more solid ground. But in a worse case scenario, if you had to move on, know that it doesn't mean a loss of hope…just a new direction. Igor may or may not be your guide, but you can and will get there one way or the other. I have complete faith in you, Belette — and trust me when I tell you my faith is a little short of late….but not in you or this.
Ma chere Belette… great work…great writing about this work with Igor…. I mean really great…. Very difficult, mature, work, pushing through everything to get to the deeper roots…digging, digging…diggging and asking for what you want…. Wow…. Powerful stuff…. I was mute in your last post…but I am glad you went back….I would call that a wise and difficult thing to do… Awesome…
Sal:Thank you, honey! I am proud of myself—-even with all of my disclaimers.
Make Do Style: Oh, dear you, I love you!!!! No need to cry over being mad at Igor. I was MAD too and it was so great to not be mad at him alone. I can't thank you enough for your fierce support. There is no one here who is in the stupid dump crew. Love this "He-weasel was the rightest". I am so lucky to have such protective friends. Thank you!!
I hope you are feeling better.xo
materfamilias: I can tell you that growing up it was not at all safe to "show anger to someone you care about who is powerful, masculine, older". My dreams all week have been filled with older, grey haired men with whom I needed to confront but didn't.
I do think I need to ask for the apology. I feel sure it could be disappointing but I am going to give it a try. I could NEVER ask my father for an apology—-NEVER!!!
I do feel like all of this conflict is great for the book and for my growth. If it just kept going on la-la-la there wouldn't be the necessary literary conflict or, I suppose, personal growth. Isn't personal growth fun?;-)
Thank you, Mater, I always appreciate your very thoughtful comments.
Tessa: Really? My Dad NEVER hugged me like that. Truth be told my Dad did not hug me. Sniff.
Hurrah for facing this. I really relate to your fears about expressing anger–that the person you are angry with will find this unacceptable. It is brave of you to voice this…
It sounds to me like you want to stick around with him. Maybe give it another chance after the confrontation and see how the session goes?
The good thing is–nothing is permanent. You can decide at any time to see someone else, and then you can reverse that situation if you would like. Keep that in mind.
Dear LBR,
You have had quite an experience. It never fails to amaze me…concise, crystal clear communication is not easy. You have good advisors on this blog and I will only add 0.1cents worth. I was told that I should never take offense, and if a situation seems to have offended me, then I need to get clarification. I am not sure why you would need an apology if as you say it Igor did not do anything intentiontally, maybe just out of ignorance? Seems like you have accomplished a lot and on top of it you found good shoes too…ONLY a cute LBR could pull this off. : )
I will check in later, so curious what happens next but will have to run off today…so much to do.
xoxoxo
I'm glad you are doing this the smart way, the way that doesn't "cut off your nose to spite your face." The haircut dream was so interesting in that regard. Please keep at it. When you and He Weasel have a real fight, does he apologize just as you want and need? Does he do it exactly when you need it?
I'm terribly demanding of my therapists. I demand what I need when I need it. I get loud and insistent. I make my needs the main thing, since it is why I'm going to therapy. I will not let a therapist make my time about their issues or interests. I say I don't care whether or not they like me, but I actually think they admire my focus, and appreciate my honesty.
I'm hoping you get what you need from Igor. Maybe his admiration is more important than his apology. But I'd be willing to bet money that if you tell him how important that apology is to you you'll get it. And he'll get it too. I'll stay tuned to find out.
I'm also glad that you decided to confront him and your own anger and disappointment. I think this is really going to yield a lot of insights, and I do hope you decide to go back and work through this stuff.
It seems as though what most upsets you is when it feels that Igor isn't "seeing" you. Forgive me for probably stating the obvious, but I think it's your parents you really want the apology from, for never "seeing" you.
I hope that didn't sound too harsh or condescending; I certainly did not intend it that way. But it seems like this is a really hot button for you (not being seen and understood), one that I also know well.
Hugs to you, and I know you'll come out of that dark hallway, whichever door you choose.
dollcannotfly: As I say on my follower header "the nicest, smartest, funniest, and best looking people on the Internet", those are my readers. Really!!!! I am so LUCKY to have such wonderful bloggy friends.
I know you know how much I wanted to put my running shoes on and run the other way. I didn't want to confront him. It was HARD and I am still recovering from it.
The book is back!;-)
K.Line: I may sound tough and brave here but I assure you I was a scared rabbit. It was terrifying. But, hey, I did it.
What was amazing too was that when I got in the car the song that came on my I-pod was "Should I stay or should I go" by the Clash and all the stoplights in Beverly Hills weren't working. So the traffic was stop and go. It was like a dream.
Thank you, K-line. I do feel like the last two weeks have been pretty intense in the growth dept. I would like to just nap for a month to recover from it all.
themom: What I love about the shoes, symbolically speaking, is that they are platform and give me more height without pain. That also seems symbolic. Love my shoes and my readers!!!
Carol: Thank you so much.
)) Is it wrong for me to be proud of me too?
So Lovely: I know that confrontation is important in therapy and yet it is so damn hard. If any session should be a freebie it is the damn French sister session and yet it brought up all kinds of stuff that I wasn't dealing with. So I guess I got a lot out of it.
I have never really had a good father figure( my nanny's husband was as close as I have had). So, having a pretty healthy therapist onto which I can have an idealizing transference has been so important. I found this quote that explains what I think happened: "According to Kohut (ibid., 88f), if a patient reacts to an interpretation with rage, that does not show a relaxation of resistance in which a neutralization is reversed and transmuted back into aggressive energy. It would be more in keeping with experience to describe it as representing a developmentally important traumatic situation which is recapitulated in the therapeutic context: a faulty, unempathic reaction of the selfobject refers to a state of affairs in which the child demands total control over reactions and complete empathy."
So, Igor's lack of attunement and his faulty interpretation( my read) brought up "a developmentally important traumatic situation which is recapitulated in the therapeutic context". Damn it!;-)
xo
notSupermum: I can't wait to hear what my gut decides.
xo
Dear Belette,
xx and BEAR oo's from a dedicated reader.
I have been reading/following your blog for some time now, and have enjoyed my subscription. This is the first time I have posted. I can relate to many things that you have gone through and have been in therapy for. I saw a therapist myself for a long time, and then was in marriage counseling faithfully once a week for over a year. (Happy to report we are now celebrating our 20th this Nov…..but we were married ridiculously young (19) ) Anyways, I know how vulnerable and scary it can be. Interestingly enough, I did learn a lot, okay, I was transformed through that process, but one of the most important things I ever learned did not come from my Igor's wise counsel. What I am going to write is not a popular belief among many, but the older I get, the more I believe it. (I am 39). FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. "Just because I feel bad does not mean that someone else did something wrong. If you feel bad, the fact is that you feel bad." I do not in any way mean this to be a slap or make light of what you are going through. Rather, I found a huge comfort and happiness in this once I "got it". (Sort of like the episode of Sex in the City when Burger tells Charolette in utter honesty and malestuperisty (my word for male + stupid + earnisty) "He's just not that in to you"…..)
Check out this website if you get a moment…it is about the closest thing I could find online that explained this better than I can, as I am not a writer like you
http://www.johnfishbein.com/princ3.htm
Anyway, I really do hope that you have a lovely day, and I am sending blessings in my head toward you and your family. I love reading your posts, and thanks for putting yourself "out there" so that others can learn from your life experience. (I will never ever carry a maxi pad in my purse to a coffee shop
PART 1…
I don't know if you have ever lifted free weights but this post left me feeling as if I had just gone through a gruelling session of just that activity with you. And I'm done wore out, girl!
Thus, I would like to mention some items associated with weight lifting:
1. You only train major muscle groups on an every-other-day schedule. MWF major leg & abdominal muscles and every TTHS major upper-body and back muscles, for example. In between times for each muscle group, you REST the muscles for a day.
2. You eat and drink properly and then WAIT before you work out.
3. You WARM UP before you start and you COOL DOWN after you finish.
4. You eat and drink properly after you finish your workout–NOT TOO MUCH, NOT TOO LITTLE.
(If you have not respected those eat and drink rules, after a strenuous workout with the free weights, I promise you that, among other things, the front desk woman at the fitness club will have to come and cut the combo lock off your locker because, in your delirium from having overdone it, you will be incapable of summoning up the combination to your own lock from your memory.)
Now, "What the fuck does this have to do with duking it out with my fears, disappointments, and trepidations with Igor and/or my own private emotional life?" you may well be asking yourself.
"Everything." I would reply.
You, me, and everyone else working on developing new emotional muscles, must PACE themselves.
to be continued…
Part 2…
You may recall that in "On Moving:… Louise De Salvo speaks to the efforts made by Virginia Woolf to maintain balance in her life with writing, editing work, visiting with friends, family, & colleagues, viewing aesthetically-pleasing objects, surrounding herself with inspiring and soothing influences in her home, and entertaining with good food and wine.
With that in mind, I would like to ask you to tell us, if you would like, if only as a writing exercise, what you do that brings you unmitigated pleasure, a deep feeling of relaxation, and a supreme sense of personal accomplishment.
How do you pace yourself between emotionally- and physically-draining events like that which you just experienced with Igor? Because, one cannot go about the business of personal transformation at a fever pitch without suffering ill-effects that have to do with not giving one's self the benefit of the doubt and pacing one's self for the long-haul.
That asked and said, I am also reminded of remarks made by Julia Cameron in The Right to Write concerning time and writing. Working and writing are not mutually exclusive. There are too many people doing both for it to be possible to assume that if one works, one cannot write. Not that you said that, but there seems to be a false dichotomy resonating around that issue.
If you read Tillie Olsen and many other female authors, you will come squarely into confrontation with One of her observations… that prior to the late 20th century, all the great women writers in Western literature either had no children or had full-time housekeepers to raise the children.
Lastly, I have avoided addressing anything related to the issue of biological infertility because 1) I am childless by choice, and 2) I make a personal distinction between "wanting a baby" and "wanting to parent a child" actively for two decades, plus or minus.
However, today is perhaps a good day to ask you if you would please speak to the distinction between the two and help me to understand where you are on that matter.
I would like to congratulate you on having the courage that it took to go to confront Igor, given his position in your life, about your anger and misgivings related to the direction in which your sessions with him were going. That took balls and a determination to push through the fear and anger that could have led you to give up on communicating meaningfully with him.
Today is a new day but, LBRouge, please pace yourself. I'm gettin' all tuckered out just goin' on the ride with you. I can only imagine how tired you must be.
K. L.: I wish I was a better writer and could more powerfully convey the power of the hug. I think it might take me months to get the words right. But, I didn't want to wait that long to post this post.
"Sorry I was such a jerk"? would be nice.;-) And, you are *right* that I do want him to acknowledge that I have a right to be hurt and upset. I do want that. I will tell him so.
When I was writing this I noticed my impulse to tell and not show and that felt like cheating. I wanted to bring you all into the room with me as you were all there with me. Really, you were.
A warm hug from Valencia to you.xo
Kayleigh: Oh, honey, no need to explain. And, goodness knows you have enough on your plate. But I always do love your comments.
If I hadn't written it all down I would have never remembered everything I was upset about. Thank goodness for paper and pen.;-)
As much as it sucked not having a fan in the session it was symbolically fantastic!!!!!!
It is unresolved and I feel more okay with that today. But, yet, I am still a little nervous.I understand your lack of faith and I am with you. But, I also have faith in you. You know I do.xo
giggles: Thank you! It was hard and hard to write about but I am glad I did both and I am so very grateful for everyones support.xo
I think it's beautiful how you weaved the comments into your post. It just shows how sensitive you are, how much you care. It shows that you have the wisdom to make the right decision (which I of course, never have a clue about! I know how tough decision making is. I can completely relate to the looking around the room, uncertain if you will return. It's tough, very tough xx )
The Storialist: I wonder if by doing this with him ( confronting him) will make it easier to do with others. I somehow think it will take a lot of practice at it with him before I am brave enough to take my show on the road.
I think you are right. but, I am still a little nervous and apprehensive.
MrsLittleJeans: I guess I want him to apologize for his lack of sensitivity. Even though it was unintentional it was treading right through my wound. I know I would apologize if I went unconscious and bumbled into someone's sensitive material. We'll see what happen.
I am going to post pictures of my new shoes. I LOVE them!
Hope you get everything done you need to.
xo
Utah Savage: When I told He-weasel the haircut dream and I got to the part about "I am not leaving until you get it right" he said "I know that tone and when you say it like that you MEAN it." I do mean it. I am not leaving until he gets it right.;-)
I think I am getting closer to where you are in terms of my work with Igor. It is my fifty minutes and if it seems like we are wasting time I am going to say it. Yes, it will be scary to say it but I think I am ready to.
Now, when it comes to when my He Weasel and I have a tiff he is an excellent apologizer. All these years of marriage has taught him exactly how to approach an apology with me. but it took years for him to get it just right.;-)
If a qualification for being a great therapist would be being unable to heal myself, I'm all set! Sign me up for the degree program!
I am so proud of you for dealing with this. I would have been shaking and on the verge of tears the whole time, if it had been me. I have a really hard time with confrontation when it comes to people whose opinion I value and whose approval I don't want to lose. I guess I too learned that "if you are angry at someone they will hate you or reify you and not see you as a whole object but will instead forever hold it against you" and it isn't hard for me to figure out where.
Anyway, I've had excellent therapists and bad ones (bad for me and bad in general). I've never had the courage to tell the ones that weren't helping me what the problem was. I just stopped going and found someone new. Fortunately, I have always found someone much, much better eventually but I still think your method is more constructive, especially since you have actually seen positive change through your work with Igor. I actually do hope that you decide to go back to him and see how it goes. I hope that he does well by you. I hope that you emerge farther along than ever, rather than back where you started. I am rooting for you, La Bel! You're doing great!
Deja Pseu: Yep, you are right on the money. It all boils down to mommy and daddy. I am so sick of them. Can't it be about something else for a change.;-)
Thanks for the hugs and the knowing.xo
sheridan: Thank you so much for reading/following/subscribing. I am delighted to meet you and thrilled that you took the time to comment.
Congratulations on your good work in therapy and for your 20th anniversary. That is a HUGE accomplishment.
You are so right!!! Feelings lie to me all the time. I know that and then I forget it and then I remember and then I forget again. Thank you for the link( I am off to follow it) and for the BRILLIANT new word, not that I know anyone who suffers from malestuperisty.;-)
You have made my day. I LOVE meeting readers. I hope to see you here again!!!! Thank you so much. Thank you!!!!! And, I m delighted you learned from my coffee shop and maxi pad disaster.x and BEAR hugs to you too.:-)
La Framéricaine: Thank you for posting this and I cannot possibly respond to everything here but you know you have inspired a post for me. Thank you for that.
Sorry to wear you out( drink some water and eat some protein). I do have a pretty strict blogging schedule: M-W-F and occasionally TH. I do try to throw in some lightness with Lily, lists and things I don't hate about L.A. But when stuff comes up it comes up—even if it doesn't fit my schedule.
I do think profiteroles and champagne are perfect post-workout food.;-) Baguettes and whole foods are also a part of my diet.
I got a lock with a key so I don't have to remember the combination when I am loopy from overwork.;-)
Your wise point that Louise De Salvo makes about Virginia Woolf is a very good one. I do have He-weasel, Lily, shoes, time at the beach, good books and arugala and corn salad—but I could work on a little more balance between work and pleasure. He-weasel has a full time job and I know between Blogging, writing, Igor, dreaming and processing I am working two full time jobs.
I will write about this concept of "unmitigated pleasure, a deep feeling of relaxation, and a supreme sense of personal accomplishment" at a later time. Too big of a topic for the comment box.
I could write and work. I don't think it is either/or. My beef with Igor was that it felt he was saying give up the writing for the work. I say no to that option.
Speaking of topics I am feeling totally confused about you have found another one(baby/mothering). But again, too big for this box.
I am VERY tired. I am still recovering from Monday. I hope that I didn't totally poop you out. Clearly you had energy left if you could write this amazing, thoughtful and thought provoking comment. Thank you, LFA. xo
pretty face:Thank you so much. I do care. I care a lot. I wish I could have gotten everyones comment in as they all meant so much to me. Seriously. I first decided to quit. Then I decided to go back and tell him and then quit. Next I decided to go back and see if we can make it worse. I don't know what I will decide next.
I tried so HARD to memorize the room and the details. I might draw a map of the room just for myself. I seem to have a need to remember it.xo
WendyB : You will hear from the admissions counselor later today.;-)
Red Shoes: Thank you!!!My heart was racing and I was utterly terrified and that was in Ativan. I felt like I had a stomach full of bumble bees buzzing. It wasn't my parents as I would never even bother to try an tell them how I felt as I knew I had no impact. They wouldn't be mad as they wouldn't listen. So, I am not sure who caused it—but I know I am scared of authority figures that I care about.
I have skipped out on a few therapists in the past instead of confronting them. I did have one therapist I told why I wanted to leave and they totally turned it on me and didn't listen to my issues with them. After that I have been hesitant in speaking up.xo
LBR: pass the salt, you might need a few grains to read the following.
When I said Igor's hug was a "dad" hug, what I meant was that is how your dad was SUPPOSED to hug you. That is why (I think) part of why you even need Igor. I'm not saying every dad is perfect but I believe that a need that is met at the appropriate time is a need that eventually goes away. Babies need to suck, children need hugs. Psychology tells us that if you wean a baby too soon or withhold affection from a child there will be "ego" problems later. Some problems are surmountable. Some are not. Unconditional love (I've talked about this before) from parents is CRUCIAL to a child's developing ego. Your (sorry to be so harsh) self-absorbed half-wit parents didn't give you what you needed WHEN you needed it and so now it falls to Igor to be both therapist and quasi father. I'm actually glad you are working things out with Igor because even with "real" dads, it's never perfect.
Hope this helps clarify.
Holy cow I missed a lot! I'm sorry I wasn't there to add my thoughts and support to you during what sounds like a very trying, very difficult, very stressful time – I missed your blog most of all and so I hope I was with you in spirit at least.
I am so proud of you for confronting Igor. I think I understand how it felt – I'm not naturally a confronter, and I get incredibly anxious when I know I have to be one. And for the power to go out right in the middle of it! How did that change things for you, mentally? Did you feel like, in the dark, you could say more to him, or that it was more isolating? Power outages – especially those that take place in random locations (and not at home) – are strange things in that they can change a situation and a person.
And I'm so glad that you made it out on your own – you have strength and will, and I think you deserve an apology from him.
Finally, I got so excited when I read that you might be moving to New Jersey! Is this a real possibility??? Clearly, I have a lot to catch up on!
It's good to be back online – I missed you a lot.
Excellent and brave work!!! You have gained so much by standing up for yourself (something your parents didn't seem to teach you – mine were the same) and acknowledging to yourself that although it can be nerve racking, you have the strength to constructively confront others in positions of authority. You also seem to be coming to grips with indecision too – biding your time and trusting your gut are there for the taking. I am so happy for you. Now for the verbal apology, as well as the hug apology. Go for it, but remember good food and naps for strength.
It sounds as if tackling him about it was the right thing to do. I hope after thursday you know what you want to do next. YOu may be in the dark now but I am sure that, as you say, you will find the way out.
Keep smiling.
Just for you:
You have been given a chance to collaborate with the fashion designer of your choice on a one of a kind outfit.
You pick one who seems to be a good fit. He is charming, witty and really knows what he is doing.
"I want something red." you say.
"No, not red. You would look fabulous in blue."
"I don't like blue. If not red then how about pink?"
"Who is the expert here? It will be blue."
You want to argue. To tell him off. This is supposed to be a collaboration, damn it. But your brain tells you that he is an expert. He knows what he is doing far better than you do. And what if you do complain? Will he reject you and refuse to have anything to do with you?
He listens to you when you tell him what kind of outfit you want. The style, the cut. But it has to be blue. God, you hate blue.
The outfit is done. It fits like a dream. Everyone who sees you in it is bowled over. You have never looked so amazing. You are showered with compliments. You feel perfect – almost. Because no matter what anyone else says you know that it is not authentically you. It is freaking blue. You wanted red.
Igor strikes me that way. At first it was an "OMG he's brilliant and totally gets my style." Then as time went by he started to ignore you and force you into blue.
And you started to doubt yourself. Clearly he is the expert. You are no expert. Maybe you should rethink your whole stance on blue. After all, if he says "blue" it is probably right. There must be something wrong with you and not him.
Bull shit. He has lost sight of what he should be doing. Mental health is a team effort. Healing is a partnership. A collaboration.
He doesn't know what is going on inside you. He doesn't seem to want to. And when you do try to tell him he overrides you and seems to say, "No, you don't really feel this way. You feel the way I am telling you to feel. You only thing your issues are about this thing. But trust me, they are not. I am the expert. You are not."
You don't want to be rejected, so you put up with it.
And now you are at the point where you are ready to tell him to kiss your ass. You will wear red. You know your issues. He doesn't. He doesn't want to.
Rock on. Flaunt your red self you fabulous Weasel! And find someone who wants to really help you. We believe in you. Find a shrink who does too.
Long post, sorry. Love you!
Stop paying this guy to tell you what you and all of us already know, you are brilliant. Keep writing, stop going. You will be at least 200 bucks richer! xx
I've had so many dreams that mean important things. I'm glad you paid attention to your dreams.
Tessa: No salt required unless you are serving margaritas later?;-)
Oh, I didn't know that is how Dads hug. Seriously, I am not being cute or funny. I truly didn't know. Is it really? I am stunned a little.
You, I think, are letting my self-absorbed half-wit parents off a little easy.;-) I could cry if I let myself feel the loss that I am becoming aware of.
Thanks, dear Tessa, it does.:-)
xo
Sara: I knew where you were and of course I missed you but your spirit is always present. I am delighted you are back.
Igor's office has a good deal of natural light and it was 4 in the afternoon so it really didn't make the room too dark. The symbolism of it felt more poignant than the actual event. The power loss did give me a sense of Igor's vulnerability and how he doesn't escape crisis or difficulties either.
I will broach the apology tomorrow and see how it goes. I will, of course, let you know. When you look at older posts you will see that the NJ was not to be. I a rather disappointed but now that feels like a distant memory.
I missed you too.xo
chittychat: Thank you and thank you for your comment on this and the last post. You helped a lot( more than you can know).
My parents most certainly never taught me it was okay to question authority or to confront without drama. I still hate confrontations and I will never be a person who easily manages them—but it seems I am able to do it when I must.
I will post on Friday how my request for a verbal apology goes. Wish me luck.
xo
Completely Alienne:Thanks! I do wish I was completely out of the dark. But, I feel sure that more illumination will come tomorrow( whichever way it goes).xo
Kristen: I love you too. I read your comment( this one) on Monday right before I went into the session and it really comforted me. I felt emboldened by it and not alone and appropriately outraged. Thank you for reposting it and most importantly thank you for your friendship.
Hammie: Then does that mean I have to stop paying you $200 a week to tell me that I am brilliant?;-)
Jennifer: Lovely to see you here. Thank you for the comment and you are so right, dreams are such an important source of information.
I too am glad that you were able to confront Igor. I hope things continue to go well for you in regards to your therapy. I thought perhaps he said that about his sister to evoke some sort of response from you. I didn't really understand why he would use that way though.
all children want their parents approval and unconditional love. I am glad that you were able to confront Igor, even though you were anxious and also couldn't confront your father. That must have felt powerful for you. He didn't abandon you for calling him out.
As always I wish the best for you.
Great that you confronted him… not good to bottle up to him… of course you told us.. but not the same… GOOD for YOU! You will find your way!
Hi Belette-
YES of course you may link to my blog! I am flattered!
As a therapist, I am really moved by how insightful and self-aware you are. This issue with Igor-here are my thoughts:
1) I encourage you to explain to him how very much you desire an apology the size and likes of what YOU need. While he might not comply, what I find more interesting is this is more about "process" and less about "content." The nugget of wisdom/insight might lie in your exchange with him on regarding how much you feel the need for it and not necessarily the apology itself.
2) I wish many of my clients were are forthcoming with personal reactions to sessions! While I fancy myself a gifted, intuitive human, I've not yet mastered the art of mind-reading. Keep being honest, a therapist worth their due will appreciate this and recognize it for the therapeutic benefits it promises.
I too, am TERRIFIED of rejection and appreciate your comments about not submitting anything for fear of it. This writing thing, it's a beast but since I encourage my clients to live with reckless abandon, I feel compelled to do the same…so I am writing a sample now for an potential agent, PLEASE wish me luck!!!
You are funny and honest, my two favorite traits in people.
xo
LBR:
You had me at the bear hug…that brought tears to my eyes.
Something to consider…why is the apology so important? Could it be that people you have cared about (example: the parents) have hurt you and made you angry, yet never apologized or acknowledged that they may have hurt you? Perhaps by demanding an apology from Igor you are demanding one from your parents..in a sense. If you do get the apology, will it empower you…or just make you the "winner" (give you the power)?
I had a therapist that I really loved working with. One day, I was so angry at something she said I was determined not to see her again. But, then I thought about it and decided to speak with her about it. I abhor confrontation so this was really tough for me. I explained my position and was pleasantly surprised by her reaction. She really helped me through a lot of tough times. I continued to see her for a while longer. Later, I realized that I was ready to move to the next level in my therapy a needed someone who was really going to kick my butt. In our last session, I thanked her for working with me and told her I was ready to go to the next level and felt that we needed to conclude our relationship. She was so gracious about it. I am so happy that I didn't leave in anger but waited until I felt that I needed something more. She even followed up with me to make sure I was ok and let me know I was welcomed in her practice if I ever needed her again.
I have a new therapist who is kicking my butt! However, I was ready for this next level of intense therapy and I can feel myself progressing even more.
So what I am trying to say is this…Stay with Igor until you feel that your relationship has plateaued and you are ready to move to the next level.
Hugs to you,
L
I am glad you confronted him and I am glad that you have renewed good feelings about him. Remember this – he will be thinking a great deal about what you told him and he will be very concerned that he may have let you down. He might not tell you or say exactly what you feel he should in terms of an apology but he will most definitely be feeling your anger, disappointment and confusion. Thursday will be interesting…xv
Dear Belette, Sorry I didn't comment before about Igor and your disappoinment. I simply didn't want to give you my opinion and influence you. I am rather skeptical about psicologists and theapists in general. I know that they help a lot of people but I would never go to them. Mainly because I do not believe in them. But I'm glad that you managed to go to him again and tell him all what you think of him and of the situation. If you think he can help you, if you trust him, well follow your better judgement and keep on seeing him. But if you have any doubts and you think he undermines your self-esteem and your tranquillity, well you know what to do. From what I've leared about you reading your journal, I think you are a very determined woman who sometimes feels weak. Like all of us you need and want some help every now and then. But you are very lucky to have a wonderful husband who loves you deeply and lots of friends who care for you. Think well if you really need Igor. Big hugs. A.
Quite a revelation, darling! I'm glad you have made your peace with Igor! Quite enjoyed reading this post; your writing is spectacular (but I always tell you that, right?)!
xoxox,
CC
Julianne: It just occurred to me yesterday( thanks to everyones brilliant comments) that I have confronted my mother but I never got to confront my father before he died.
I am so happy you are back blogging. I missed your blog!:-)
xo
Fifi: I am thinking about taking a flash light with me when I see Igor today.;-)
xo
Stephanie:
Today Igor and I will have 50 minutes on apology. I so hope I get the apology. We'll see.
I have only been rejected by a few agents but each rejection is so hard. I am so hoping I learn to develop tough skin. If you figure out how to get it please let me know. I wish you luck with your proposal.
You are very sweet. I am so glad you found my blog!
xo
L: Not only can Igor give a bear hug, he gives Russian bear hugs. Seriously!:-)
I think you touched an important point. Yes, I never got the apology from my parents. But, I do think that part of it is he hurt me and I am tired of being hurt and not getting an apology.
That is so great you were able to confront her and work it out and even better that you knew when it was time to leave and your therapist supported your decision.
Hugs to you too, L.xo
vicki:Thank you for your comment. I know you are right and yet it is comfort to be reminded of it. Three hours until I see him today. I am nervous. Wish me luck.
xo
lunarossa: I am a big believer in therapy. I can't imagine what a hot mess I would be without it. You are right, I am determined half the time. The other half of the time I am determined I can't. I guess all of us have both sides to us. At least I hope that I am not the only one.;-)
Big hugs to you too.xo
Carrie:Thank you, Sweets. I love your gorgeous compliments about my writing more than I love Igor—and I do love Igor.;-)
xo
I like to read your comments , admire your commenters and was remiss, when I saw 65 had left one, to read that many…sadly…however, I am very happy for you in how this went, although a bit bittersweet and in the dark partly, through no fault of either of you [well, must admit, I have some thoughts about this but that's irrelevant]. You handled this admirably and so did he…his big hug for you was meant to be reassuring and it probably was on some levels….I do feel you are doing partially what I did with my therapist from years back…but I also think you will m ove through it all, sort of a love/hate relationship, father-foe-good/bad listener/teacher-idiot, the list goes on and no one is ever perfect….in the end of it all, even if you were alone in the dark and isn't it perfect he did not walk you out? he was showing you he thought you were strong enough to go it alone…. you did good, woman!
xoxo
Linda: I have only BRILLIANT commenters! I am VERY lucky!!!!
I do think that it was for the best that he didn't show me to the stairwell. It seemed so perfectly apt. I do have a post ready for tomorrow that tells the story of today's session. It is hard to not reveal the details here. Must show restraint.;-)
Thanks for your always lovely comments. I do love hearing about other people's Igors and am so grateful for how much you share of your process.
xo
La Belette- Thank you so much. You made me feel very good. And, thank you for letting me know about the link, etc, because my technorati's been messed up ever since I switched urls.
You are very brave, because it is infinitely easier for me to suggest you say what you feel than it is to actually do it.
I did something similar with my therapist in saying that I was attracted to him. It wasn't exactly that per se, but it seemed like it at the time and it was important for me to feel safe enough to say it, and I definitely felt much closer to him after that.
I am with someone new now, a woman, and as I am dealing with a lot of issues re: sexuality, I am very much valuing the change in energy, but I will always cherish my time with the other therapist.
I am about to start in on my second psychotherapy group. They are quite progressive these days and the crux of their potency is that we bring our patterns into these therapeutic settings and can then deal with them in the safety of a professional setting. The group setting offers a buffer I can feel isn't there with Igor, though there is more intimacy.
Congratulations on whatever you decide re: Igor for taking that important step. You are having a lot move in your life, it seems and you are meeting the growth head on.
And, you write about it so well.
wait. wait. wait.
i just started reading your blog, and i remember you saying something about igor being your therapist but i just let it pass, thinking i misunderstood the relationship.
but now i'm confused.
igor is your therapist? i thought he was your boyfriend.
because he can't be both…
ummm…he forgets the many facets of you, which is basically forgetting that you have feelings? he may not be an ass, but he did act like one. there is no way that he can possibly truly expect to have patients in cocktail-mode during sessions. what, some how you failed to be in the right mood for his stupidity?
and for me, it takes maturity and honesty and courage to say "I AM SORRY" and a hug only demonstrates physical comfort, maybe affection, but not those first three. i want more from him because i want more for you.
(what? okay, so maybe i do have a special talent for being judgmental and holding a grudge.)
^^^ sorry, rereading your post, i realized i had more to say.
Very interesting blog you write. I can't decide if I would like to delve into my psyche or just go with the flow. I'm at a great point in my life but it has now always been so. Back in my 30s & 40s I struggled in a relationship that eventually caused me to be very strong, but I got there basically on my own. At some point in my life I may revisit those times. Now when I do I think I could have made much better choices, but I would not have ended up where I am at this point in my life with a man I love & who loves me and with a life I enjoy.
Good luck to you in your process. I'll be back to visit & am happy you have such intelligent, supportive blogger friends.
Wow is right.
God, this made me cry it was so beautifully written. I loved the interspersed blogger comments, it felt like I was right there listening. But enough about your talent
I love how the whole process (and I hate that word!) made you confront him, and realize he's not perfect, but damn good.
Freida Bee: When I get great and heartfelt advice from people I trust I feel compelled to take their advice. Thank you, Frieda.
It was soooooo hard. But I am o glad I did it. Running would have been easier but much less satisfying.
You are MUCH braver than I am. I don't think I could ever do a psychotherapy group. I am much more of a one on one kind of gal. I think I am too introvereted for groups.
Your support, encouragement and kind compliments mean a lot. I am also grateful for your willingness to share your own process. Thank you!
Seraphine:LOL1 Igor is my psychoanalyst.
up and down town: I love you. Yep, I do.:-) You are a fierce and supportive friend and I am lucky to have you. Igor's bear hugs have nothing on your bear hug of a comment. Igor did undoubtedly screw up and the hug wasn't enough. I want more and I got it( see Friday's post).
Thank you for being my friend.xo
Lizzy: It sounds to me like going with the flow has taken you to a pretty great place( even if the flow was not always without challenging currents).
Thank you for your wishes for me and you are very right I am extremely lucky to have such intelligent and supportive blogger friends.I hope to see you here again soon.:-)
Susan:
fashion herald: Thank you so much. I am so pleased that it touched you. The bloggers comments were so with me in the process and the confrontation that they had to be in this post.( I hate process too but you know what I mean;-).
"My gut is of two minds and until my gut has made up its mind I don't have to make a decision. There is no hurry. I am in the dark for now and I will find my way out of it."
I don't know much but one thing I do know is that I always follow my gut it seldom steers me wrong.
For me, looking in, the hug said it all without saying a word.
I continue to send you positive mojo and virtual hugs.