I wish I could blame it on PMS, alas I cannot. I had a bit of a fierce temper tantrum on Friday night. It started when I decided to finally bite the bullet and see if our insurance covered IVF with oocyte donors. It turns out our insurance covers nothing. That means that we cannot try again.
I am as shocked as anyone that I was really considering entering the office of a Reproductive Endocrinologist again let alone start with shots, ultrasounds, and the whole roller coaster of IVF and yet seeing that the doctor last week opened the door that I was sure was permanently shut. It turns out the door wasn’t. If our insurance had covered it I would have tried again. Instead of writing this post I would be making doctors appointments, buying prenatal vitamins and researching the success rate of IVF after 40 with egg donors. As our insurance will not cover it and we don’t have an extra 35 thousand dollars lying around, I am here complaining about it.
As soon as I learned that our insurance covers nothing I found myself hating He-weasel’s company for being so stingy with their medical coverage. If they had been willing to be just a little more generous with benefits we might have a child. Because they chose to save money there is no chance that we will. It was then that I started entering tantrum territory. “I hate them, I hate them. I hate them.” Poor He-weasel tried to comfort me and then he made the minor mistake of defending his company and saying how lucky he was to have his job in the economy. True enough but not well timed.
He-weasel and I went for a walk with Lily. It started off well and I seemed to be walking off my anger at He-weasel’s company. We walked a half a block and then the tantrum began. I started thinking of a friend of mine who has everything I ever wanted. I did a compare and contrast of our lives and how everything has worked out so well for her and she got everything she has ever wanted and that nothing about her life would ever inspire a therapist to say “Oh my gosh, how did you survive all that?” Not only did she have two beautiful children but she has never suffered a trauma. That is when the “it’s not fair” started to echo in my head building like a storm.
The melt down was not terribly dramatic. Here is how it went: The “it’s not fair” began with something I said internally and then it started to sneak its way out my mouth. I said it over and over and then the sobbing and then I couldn’t walk. I stood still as if the pain of it paralyzed me. It made the pain of the ovarian cyst seem like a slight ache. I did an inventory in my mind of every unfair thing that ever happened which only exacerbated the pain.
I am old enough and, ahem, wise enough to know that life isn’t fair. Friday night I didn’t care, actually I don’t care now. I want life to be fair. Or, if it is going to be unfair I would like it to be extra kind to me as it has in my friend’s case.
I have a new list of unfairness that I am moaning over: If I hadn’t the ovarian cysts rupturing I wouldn’t have had gone to the doctor. If I didn’t go to the doctor I wouldn’t have had the idea of egg donor or embryo donor suggested. If I didn’t have the suggestion I wouldn’t have reopened the door to maybe-baby. If that hadn’t happened I wouldn’t have had enough hope to check out our benefits package and find out that there is no way we can try again. If I hadn’t come to that conclusion again I wouldn’t have had the wound reopened and there would have been no melt down on the streets of Valencia.
I am going to a hand surgeon next week. I am a bit terrified what that visit may lead to. As I am in Eeyore mode I feel pretty sure he is going to tell me I need to quit typing, writing and using it to blow dry my hair and apply makeup. If I disappear all of a sudden you will know that my fear was justified.
Here is another post I wrote on the subject: The Amazing Green Hulk of Residual Estrogen and Envy.
Here is a wonderful web site that lists companies which may offer infertility benefits.
Here is a list of the Top 50 Fertility and Adoption Friendly Companies.
Please remember to enter The Skincare Secrets Contest. The contest ends and winner will be announced on August 10.
Belette I'm so sorry the wounds have been reopened. I wish there was something I can do.
xxpbc
Hi, Belette. I thought I'd drop by your blog too.
Just wanted to say that the way I see it, life it fair. It is always fair. We are just not aware of all the ways it works that way. Whenever I feel like someone has everything I ever wanted, I try to tell myself that there is something they want and do not have, something they suffer for. There always is. I think. I prefer to believe.
Shit – I'm with you on that one. I sometimes cannot bear the degree of unfairness but nothing tops it more than someone's ability to remain tantrum free.
And you have every right to kick out against the injustice of it all.
I still think you should do an appeal or get a TV documentary made and they pay for it all!!
Look here's the maths – 231 followers give $151.51 each and hey presto $35,000. Set up a paypal account now!! It's about £115 for UK peeps. I can't help put think make this last attempt – 6 months of effort, I'll draw up the project plan, its just like a film production schedule.
Oh, Belle, I am so sorry. Caterinya
Oh dear. Health insurance is indeed a prickly matter. But I do believe in you and your resourcefulness.
Belette,
Every time this comes up I feel so sad for you. Helpless because there is nothing I can do to ease your ache. I do understand it. Just know that all of us send you hugs and empathy and wish we could do something. Lean on your he weasel.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
Ah, the rollercoaster of unfulfilled desire… Seriously, when I write a book, this is getting its own chapter.
This reminds me of the day my mother informed me of the sad fact you discuss, an afternoon when she said with an elevated voice (which rarely happened), "Life isn't fair! Yu need to realize this." I was crushed as I thought it was meant to be eminently fair.
I send you a hug in hopes you feel better Miss LBR.
tp
Ooooh I hate to read about this unfairness… I was wondering… since you would be getting a donated embryo or egg… what about adoption? Just a thought… look how well Lily turned out!
Can you imagine your life without He-Weasel? How about Lily? Do it. Imagine: You've married a philandering asshole because your mother blithely told you "love will come in time, dear." You've got nine Brazilian brats that favor him and love his mother more then they love you because she spoils them. You are not allowed pets, shopping or even books!
Now do you feel lucky? Well, do ya punk?!!!
(Sorry, couldn't resist). Love ya.
Seriously, why CAN'T life be fair? At least once in a while. My heart aches for you, beautiful.
Not to ratchet up the verdant garden of angry, but if IVF (or any exclusively female state such as pregnancy) was the domain of dudes, I'd bet all of my books that it'd be covered by every insurance program in America.
Since life isn't fair, have you thought about delving into pyromania?
Hey, come to England, marry Emin. Don't worry he's a muslim the whole polygamy thing is fine with them. Or is that just with brides?
Anyway , you can then join the postcode lottery of our wonderful NHS.
What do you mean you would rather poke your eyes out with hot needles than have to marry Emin? Sadly I agree it would be a price to far to pay.
Life sucks it seems, and often more so for you than some of us, It seems an unfortunate chain of events has highlighted the unfairness of your health system too.
I think you mother should give you $35,000. NOW!!! That would even the scales a bit.
Ah Belette. I am so sorry. I think the temper tantrum was more than justified, my dear. Holding it in would have made things far worse in the long run.
Rage all you want. Yell, throw things (but not at He Weasel or Lily, natch) get it all out. And then do it a few more times if you need to. Better that then an internal explosion.
I will even throw a plate against the wall in your honor if you would like.
Love you sweets!
I am sorry for the unhappiness. I too dislike and disliked obstet offices. If one cannot have kids the estrogen in air is like cyanide.
On comparing yourself to your friend, I think with time you will see that you would not exchange any part of your life with any one else's. This is wonderful you and your tests and difficulties are molding you. Have temper tantrums, it's ok, who doesn't but don't forget your abilities, your charm, and all the other attributes that your friend possibly lacks.
Love ya'
I agree with Randal Graves' comment – if it were a male thing, it'd be covered. When I started working years ago, the pill wasn't covered. Male impotency pills were covered, the pill was not. I was flabbergasted. Things have changed with that company and their coverage, as with other companies and their coverages, but in my opinion not enough and not nearly fast enough. It's worse than crappy (again, in my opinion).
I'm so sorry that this grief and pain are a part of your life again. I'm sending you big hugs from the east coast.
I hope your hand situation turns out to be as minor as mine — I was typing the day of the surgery.
Also, would you like to adopt me? I know you wouldn't have the joy of playing with an infant but at least I sleep through the night and you wouldn't have to pay for college. Think about it.
LBR:
STOP IT! I'm sorry sister, but you need some tough love. You can't compare your inside to someone else's outside. That is what I tell myself when I have a meltdown (I prefer that to tantrum) and start comparing my life with what other people have.
I agree life is not FAIR. If it were, I would still be in the job I loved, be a size 6, have long and thick naturally dark hair, Stanley Tucci would adore me and I would be oh so wealthy.
Stay strong! You are working through some tough stuff right now and you can get through it.
Hugs,
L
Oh darling I am so sorry for your pain… hope your hand is okay!
xoxox,
CC
I pray that you can turn away from counting your sorrows and start magnifying your blessings so that your anquish will dissapate and you can find inner peace so your body will become ripe and fertile and the desires of your heart will be met. Have no fear but continue in faith expecting all good things.
Donna
It's NOT fair and I'm very, very sorry for your pain.
I'm sorry. I wish I could hold you til you cry all the tears you could muster out. ILY lots, you know.
Oh gosh, Belette…speaking as someone looking for a husband like yours, a super cute dog (apt. is too small for one), and to write three verbally delicious posts a week like you, I say you're pretty darn lucky.
Er…I suggested this before but would you consider adoption?
Also, Chinese medicine…I have a friend who almost got surgery on his knee for a torn tendon. But, following his intuition, went to an herbalist instead. The herbs given him somehow sowed the tendons in his knee overnight. He said he could literally feel them coming back together as he laid there.
It shows that I am probably not the best person to advise you right now that the first thing that came into my head was: Belette should try to join one of those companies. Oops… I suppose it just shows that you never stop wanting things you want that much, and I'm so sorry I don't have a better answer xxxxxxx
I'm sorry you feel this way, Balette.
I reckon there are many things in your life that would turn others in the world green, but I reckon you already know that.
But that desire and need for a baby is such an overpowering thing for some women, and I don't know how to turn that biology off.
Just don't compare yourself to anyone else, or at least don't do it so much. You and the He-Weasel have each other, and a life ahead of you.
I'm sure you've thought about adoption before now, but I bet there is a baby out there who would love to be loved and wanted by you.
Good luck xx
Wish I could give you what you most desire, Belette. For now, all I can do is send you much love and light to help you through, my friend. xx
I managed to forget somehow, probably distressed over your unhappiness. I hope your hand is fine. My chinese friend swears by tai chi for all her ailments. She says, (with chinese accent) only 24 movements, and i have no pain. I learned the first one.
xo
I wish I had a more eloquent way to express how badly I feel for you. But, I can make you this offer: Should you be unable to type, I will do the typing for you! Just don't leave us in the dark!
I had an English teacher in high school and her favorite quote was "life is not fair, no one ever said life is fair." Unfortunately I learned the hard way she was correct.
I am so sorry that you are going through all of this. I wish there was some way I could help you. I would do it in a second.
All I can offer is my positive thoughts and prayers.
Sending many hugs, love and light.
I react very like you when a door slams in my face again or just stays tightly shut, not even a crack of light.
I have learnt …that door is not mine to open.
Of course that took years, tears and screams… (just in case you thought I was serene haha)..
Step into the corridoor fully and look for other doors.
Truly…there will be other doors to joy …PURE joy.
But you have to let go of the old door handle first!
xxxxx
Dear Ruby (probaly Emerald this time),
I have to say that I hate Roy's company's insurance policy too, let alone mine, though typically in the Asian region it IS an accepted fact. And nothing we can do about it. Sucks big time when friends Stateside seem to be sailing off into the sunset with so much benefits. That sure is one black dot among many, but significant enough indeed.
Sending you my love and prayers for the surgery.
XOXOXOX
Infertility is a painful journey with unpredictable painful ups and downs that few can understand. I wish your doctor and insurance company had been clearer on the coverage front. My sever year journey with infertility starting at age 40 ended with a successful donor egg cycle that produced healthy twins. My doctor managed to cover my part of the medical cost, but we had to cover donor costs which were far less than $35,000. I got very luck, but I also had a doctor who believed we could do it and a very caring donor. I would be happy to share what I know. Please feel free to contact me directly.
Balette-
Oh boy…first of all you write so well. You attempts at self-deprecating humor are so successful but the pain buried inside your posts is palpable. Please don't disappear…we would miss you. Just ask He-weasel to transcribe for you or maybe that adorable Lily.
I hate that you know the pain of infertility. It's so horrible. I know.
xo
Fair… pah. We just have to keep going, try not to compare ourselves with others (even those close to us…) and look at what options there are.
Buying a juicer and drinking a great deal of veggie juice (leafy greens esp) helped relieve some of my internal functioning. (Bit random, but anyway…)
I'm sorry for your disappointment and hope things get better for you soon. xo
So sorry, Belette, that you are hurting so much! Have you ever thought of trying something abroad? Maybe in Europe? I might not be so expensive! A friend of mine had IVF in an Austrian clinic as the Brits wouldn't pay for all her treatments and she has a lovely girl now. I know that your situation is different and that you actually need donors as well, but maybe you can do a bit of research to see if this could be possible. Just to give you an example, look at the prices in this London clinic http://www.lfc.org.uk/pricelist and this http://www.ivf.org.uk/prices. Sorry to be so persistent but I can feel how much you want this and how much you're suffering and maybe you should do some more research. Pls let me know if there's something I can do from here. Big hugs. Ciao. A.
Belette, what's the hand surgeon for?
I would have liked to say something, but what…? I can just say some banality like hope that you can focus your interests on something else, there are so many other things in life. The fair or not fair feeling is something to get rid of, only used on the negative side. Have you ever heard anyone say that life has been unfair to them because they are too fortunate?
belle Belette, i stopped in yesterday to read your post. i was speechless. what you have shared has been on my mind yesterday and during the night, about what pains you and how life is not fair. i couldn't find words. and this morning when i woke up with thoughts of you on my mind i just thought and remember how sometimes it feels like the air is being sucked out of us! …and then what are we to do? this is the question that sits with me now. today i have only questions. (i'm leaving my pity party and going on a playdate today. i need a bit of escape.) thinking of you and sending a sweet hug through cyber space.
bisou
My friend works in a dialysis center and as far as I know she has never told a recent amputee "buck up, you've still got great eye brows!"
You have good in your life – but that is not the same as saying there is good in you not having a baby. That, in fact, is a cruel assertion.
Oh dear Belette! I am so sorry!
*the biggest sigh ever*
I totally get it …except you've had to go through it much longer than I …as have others which is horrifying. The whole "it's not fair" thing …totally …even down to the wedding I never got {but don't even actually want} it's so weird. it's almost as if the little girl inside me won't let go of her dreams of what life and adulthood were going to be like or supposed to be like …even though the adult me may actually not want the same thing. It is utterly confusing and mind blowing.
I'm so so so very sorry for your insurance company's stingy coverage. It's just awful! Perhaps if this new health care bill is passed by Congress your treatments could be covered?? Just a thought…
Man, that really bites the big one. I'm so sorry!
Braja already asked my question. Everyone else already expressed my sadness. Not sure why, but I feel I am supposed to say to you: Let it be.
I would be upset too. Why is it Octo Mom can do it unemployed and on government subsidy and we who have insurance cannot?
my dear, I am sorry you are going through this pain over and over again…and had your hopes bashed yet again…that is really not fair!! please take good care of you and express these feelings like you do…you need to vent your pain in lots of ways until you no longer feel the need…it may still take time, you know? yes, I am sure you do…
as for the drawing, I am one of the few who does not like perricone products so I guess I won't try..it is a giveaway for that right? maybe I should read it again in case I am missing out on La Mer or Chanel lipstick or even a lovely bar of soap that smells heavenly…
xoxoxox
Envy can eat away at your happiness. I've been there. And then I got all I thought I'd been missing and it ended up in disaster.
Where do I send my $150? Serious. There are enough of us who care for you. No strings, no obligations.
I just saw Sicko the other night, so fuck the insurance companies.
:-*
You're right: life isn't fair. But I've also found that people who appear to "have everything" often don't, or not forever anyway. I don't think anyone gets through life completely unscathed, but it's true that some have it harder than others. If there's a silver lining, maybe it's that you wouldn't have the motivation and desire (not to mention the material) to be a writer if your life was "perfect."