Heinz Kohut, the creator of Self Psychology, created the concept of twinship or twinning transference. “According to Kohut it is a form of narcissistic transference as expressing the self’s need to rely on another as a narcissistic function possessing characteristics like herself.” In less Kohutian and more Belettian like terms it goes like this : “I look for ways that you and I are exactly alike in order to feel better about myself.”
Fortunately Kohut came up with other kinds of transference because there is something about a twinship transference that can feel a little forced: “OMG, you like animals and I like animals. You like to read and I like to read; you like coffee and I like coffee, etc. We are sooooo much alike.” Yes, I suppose if pressed we could find a way to create a twinship transference with almost anyone if we worked hard at it enough and it met some narcissistic need. But there is often so much stretching involved in creating a twinship transference that one needs a good deal of Advil afterwards to deal with the muscle pain.
That said, it seems that I have a twinship transference with author David Eggers that I think is more of a simple stretch, the kind that seniors do in a “Sit an be fit” class.
Here I go:
- Dave Eggers is from Lake Forest. I lived in Lake Forest/ Bluff.
- Dave started a foundation for children called 826 Valencia and I live in Valencia.
- He writes memoir and I write memoir.
- Dave edits and publishes McSweeney’s and I buy McSweeney’s.
- He wrote “A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius“( my favorite title of all time and one of my favorite books) and I am writing a book that breaks my heart and seems to be lacking in genius.
- Dave wrote his book from 12 a.m. to 5 a.m. I write mine, when I write it, from noon to 5 p.m.
- If people Google writing and Valencia they will either end up my blog or on Egger’s 826 Valencia. Yes, that is me at the bottom of the page. But, hey, I am there.
I have no desire to meet Eggers or tell him how much I love his book (and I do) or even to some how to try and weasel and get him to read my writing. No, my crazy is more this flavor: If I have all this in common with Dave, does it thereby mean that I too will have a memoir about my heartbreaking life published to great critical acclaim? Okay, that last part is really embarrassing but if I have any hope of being like Dave I have to tell the truth even when it is embarrassing. Eggers says “We feel that to reveal embarrassing or private things, we have given someone something, that, like a primitive person fearing that a photographer will steal his soul, we identify our secrets, our past and their blotches, with our identity, that revealing our habits or losses or deeds somehow makes one less of oneself. ” If Dave can have the courage to admit to auditioning for the Real World then I can cop to my delusional hopes of great literary success.
So often people tell me I am brave to talk about the things I do on my blog and I never really understand why you think so. I am writing under a pseudonym and there are no pictures or anything on the blog that reveal who I am as an outer person. All I reveal is the inside and somehow writing about those things makes me feel less alone. Or as Dave says it:
“Because secrets do not increase in value if kept in a gore-ian lockbox, because one’s past is either made useful or else mutates and becomes cancerous. We share things for the obvious reasons: it makes us feel un-alone, it spreads the weight over a larger area, it holds the possibility of making our share lighter. And it can work either way – not simply as a pain-relief device, but, in the case of not bad news but good, as a share-the-happy-things-I’ve-seen
/lessons-I’ve-learned vehicle. Or as a tool for simple connectivity for its own sake, a testing of waters, a stab at engagement with a mass of strangers.”
Unlike Dave, my parent’s did not die and I had no young brother to take care of and I did not move to San Francisco and start a literary magazine, but there is so much in “A Heartbreaking work of staggering genius” that I relate to. You know they say that twins have an almost psychic connection, well there are a few paragraphs in his book that feel like they are words I have written or at least thought. Writing this post I found this quote by Eggers that explains perfectly why I write what I write on this blog:
“Whatever I do, however I find a way to live, I will tell these stories. I have spoken to every person I have encountered these last few difficult days, and every person who has entered my path during these awful morning hours, because to do anything less would be something less than human. I speak to these people, and I speak to you because I cannot help it. It gives me strength, almost unbelievable strength, to know that you are there. I covet your eyes, your ears, the collapsible space between us. How blessed are we to have each other? I am alive and you are alive so we must fill the air with our words. I will fill today, tomorrow, every day until I am taken back to God. I will tell stories to people who will listen and to people who don’t want to listen, to people who seek me out and to those who run. All the while I will know that you are there. How can I pretend that you do not exist? It would be almost as impossible as you pretending that I do not exist.”
Besides sharing all this in common with Dave, he also likes Chris Elliott and moleskin notebooks and wears jeans and I do too. See how much we have in common?
Picture of “Identical Twins, Rosele, New Jersey, 1967″ by Diane Arbus
Interesting stuff. I watched a show on TV the other night, and two characters had just got to know each other and went through a list of things each of them liked, until they found one they both shared. “See, we could be twins we’re so alike” one of them said. Ha. Did you write the script for that one?
Btw, I adore the work of Diane Arbus. Pure genius.
I like jeans and moleskin notebooks!
Belette, I believe in your writing on its own merits and find you quite funny.
Pearl
Dave Eggers is an amazing person, and so are you.
This was great.
Separated at birth. Clearly.
“I covet your eyes, your ears, the collapsible space between us. How blessed are we to have each other? I am alive and you are alive so we must fill the air with our words.” …
I can feel the electricity in that. I can feel my soul stirring and vibrating at the sound of those words. I can see and feel the reason you are connected to him, and why we are connected to you… Beautiful.
The difference is that Dave Eggers annoys me and you do not.
Anonymous or not – though I will keep my eye out for scampering weasels if ever I am on the left coast – spilling guts is spilling guts. I’m anon and I have to hide behind bad poems so to me, what you’re doing is very, intestinal. Whether it’s cathartic or not, or you still feel like raging against the dying of something or other, is an entirely different issue.
I think you UP him by a long shot!
notSupermum: Twinning is a pretty common phenomenon and it happens a lot in early love and in love stories. I wish I had written the script, alas the writer was my other twin.;-)
I LOVE Diane’s appreciation of the beauty of the unusual. She had an incredible eye.
Pearl: We could be twins!
Thank you, but your my sister and so you have to say that!;-)
Comedy Goddess: Wow! Thanks!
enc: Thank you. And, I have to say that is so great to see you here. I do love it when you stop by.:-)
Sal: Hee-hee! Yes, I am sure for years he has felt a nagging sensation that something is missing. That something is me.;-)
David:I absolutely love that line, and this one:
“It gives me strength, almost unbelievable strength, to know that you are there. I covet your eyes, your ears, the collapsible space between us.” Le sigh!!
WendyB: The other differences are that he is rich and famous and I can go to the bookstore and buy his books and he has foundations and a famous literary journal and he has met Charlie Rose.
p.s. I am glad I don’t annoy you.;-)
Randal: I admit that guts are spilled and that it can be, for moments, pretty terrifying. But for the most part it beats writing anything else, as far as I am concerned. Guts is where all the good stuff is. There, my friend, is plenty of guts in your poetry.
Carol: Now you got me blushing. Thank you. But, I assure you he is a genius and I don’t say that just because he is my twin.
Dave Eggers…where are ye? I went to see him in Ridgefield CT when AHWoSG just came out. He is brilliant. I am still wait for him to call.
Uncanny parallels!
You are a stellar writer, darling ~ on par with the best!
xoxox,
CC
abby: What is it with all the Dave’s being so supremely talented at writing? Sedaris and Eggers and Remnick. I am thinking about changing me name.
Eggers is so good. I have never seen him read in person. He seems very shy. Maybe that is why he hasn’t called?;-)
Carrie: Thank you for seeing the similarities.
You, my friend, are very-very-very kind.
xo
Belette,
I can see myself in what you wrote.
I have been looking for answers this week, reasons to keep the ones I love… all my questions have led to things they and I have in common… things we love, and share… twinship.. Heinz Kohut… I believe it’s really hard to find real things in common with people, but there is no denying when real things are there, it’s true friendship for life…
oh, and I really can’t live without my very own moleskin notebook… I have it right here… always by my side…
I’ll hand it to you, you could be a twin.
I went to a Diane Arbus exhibition last week on at the Timothy Taylor’s Gallery. It was MOST unsettling, as I find most of her images.
I have taught many sets of twins over the years (all very different if that isn’t a contradiction!)
Kitty is friends with a pair who I find almost telepathic in their ability to communicate, again rather unsettling.
I prefer to dwell more on our uniqueness, although I appreciate that to find a kindred spirit is a wonderful and very rare thing.
Stories like art, are just so incredibly important. Can you imagine life with out stories? Even the most basic of civilisations have drawn and sought to communicate through stories, it is inate in us all and you are a very good story teller. In a way I like a book without pictures it helps use our imagination. That you lay so much out to bare on this blog has helped put much of my own life in perspective.
Your post should actually be titled “Dave Eggers is my more successfully recognised twin” the talent is equal. I know that sound so sycophantic, but hey, if the cap fits!
Lena:Idealizing is another we respond to others and then there is the mirror hungry transference. The first is pretty obvious. The second is when we are desperate for an other to see us. I go between those two poles pretty regularly.
I think that almost all artistic people love the moleskin. It might be a genetic thing. But, it is enough for me to consider you my twin.;-)
lakeviewer: I thank you. I wonder if Dave would agree with us?
indigo16: I do love the ideology of Arbus’ work; we all have something dark or freaky in us and that she is interested in those who have that difference on the outside for all to see. It seems to me, that she celebrates what others might find frightening. I like that about her. I just recently found out that she was married to the guy who played the psychiatrist on M*A*S*H. It made her seem less mythical and more ordinary to me.
I am totally into the specificity of the individual and that is why I am not into any ideology that wants the annihilation of the ego in the name of oneness. The idea of one versus many freaks me out as specificity is what makes life delicious.
That said, something about all of the commonalities with Eggers gives me a hope that maybe just maybe some of the things we have in common might serve me. It feels like magical thinking and when I am just thinking it, somehow, it seems less ridiculous.
I cannot imagine humanity without stories, really, we are our stories. History, politics, geography, language, math, and even science are all dependent on stories.
It is so nice of you to share how my stories have given your some perspective. Really, that my stories have value to anyone else amazes me. They mean a lot to me but they are my stories, so of course they would.
Nothing about you ever rings as synchophantic which makes your compliment mean even more. Thank you.
Thank God for you explaining that in Belettian terms! Or I so would not have understood.
I know you are being tongue-in-cheek about Mr. Eggers, but I reckon you’ve stumbled upon a prize piece of psychology there. Isn’t that where the whole concept of relating to someone comes from? With celebrities for example: I like Gisele Bundchen because she is the only celeb with whom I share a birthday, I like Jennifer Garner because she is the only celeb who doesn’t smoke, I like you because you’re a fabulous redheaded writer
xx
pretty face: I do think we tend to fall in love with others because we see ourselves in the other( even if unconsciously). Twinning, I think, is something we all do. Feeling connected and less alone is something we want as much as we want to feel special and unique.
You know what? I like you too because you’re a fabulous redheaded writer. See all that we have in common?xo
I had twins in my family, and once you have twins in your family then you keep seeing them. I think these coincidences are fascinating, statistically speaking. I have to think about it more.
I too have a twin, Mauresmo, the French tennis pro although I can’t play like her at all! And I don’t know if we have anything in common, but we look alike, I think.
I do have to say that it does take guts to share and people who do are the sweetest, gentlest souls ever. I hope you keep sharing and I can’t wait to read your work.
XO
My cats adore you.
Have you read ‘What is the What’ by Eggers? One of my favourite books this year.
MrsLittleJeans: I am watching the French Open. I know Mauresmo. But, I now I really want to see your twin. I hope she’s playing. I think she won the Open to years ago.
Thank you, MLJ. Sometimes I wonder if there is something I should be afraid of in sharing so much. I wonder if I am naive. But then I ask myself what exactly am I risking and then I feel better.
I love your cats too.
xo
a cat of impossible colour: No,and ,I am not sure how I missed it. I am going to Borders tonight. Thanks, Cat!
Definitely I can see the resemblances between the two of you.
I think that sharing makes you more human and makes others feel less alone, strange, weird or embarrassed. We’ve all done stupid things, most of us hide them under a veneer of perfection, the reality is we think we should be perfect, but no one is. Your ability to share your imperfections makes us love you more (and keep on reading).
Braja is my twin. I just haven’t told her yet.
loved the post………
You are truly so good at telling stories. You make me thing I should find a twin.
ah, don’t let the anonymity fool you. you’re brave because you are willing to say the things that you say TO YOURSELF. this does not mean that others are not listening, but the amazing feat is in just facing the issues you bring up.
There are special inseparable bonds in the quantum world, one of which is the mutual influence that two particles of light born at the same time (twin photons) have on each other’s destiny. It’s called quantum entanglement and in this relationship the two particles influence each other’s destiny — even if they are light years apart. This happens instantaneously.
Sometimes I wonder if we aren’t all entangled in some singular mysterious state.
I think you were separated at birth!
Your post reminds me of “mysteries” people sometimes talk about like all the similarities between JFK and Abraham Lincoln. Both of their names start with letters in the first half of the alphabet! They were both assassinated! They both had brown hair!
On a serious note, I agree with you on so much of what you said. I used to feel that my deepest thoughts and feelings were PRECIOUS because I felt them so deeply; I must be unique and the only person to have them. As I get older I feel less unusual (rather sadly), but also less alone. I’ve learned this having a blog, too. So often readers know exactly what I’m talking about. Eggers of course expressed this connection so eloquently.
Have never read Eggers but he’s often written about in conjunction with David Foster Wallace, who is one of my favorites and whose suicide last year threw me into a serious funk. On your recommendation I will keep my eyes open for Eggers’ book.
xo….
I think you were separated at birth!
Your post reminds me of “mysteries” people sometimes talk about like all the similarities between JFK and Abraham Lincoln. Both of their names start with letters in the first half of the alphabet! They were both assassinated! They both had brown hair!
On a serious note, I agree with you on so much of what you said. I used to feel that my deepest thoughts and feelings were PRECIOUS because I felt them so deeply; I must be unique and the only person to have them. As I get older I feel less unusual (rather sadly), but also less alone. I’ve learned this having a blog, too. So often readers know exactly what I’m talking about. Eggers of course expressed this connection so eloquently.
Have never read Eggers but he’s often written about in conjunction with David Foster Wallace, who is one of my favorites and whose suicide last year threw me into a serious funk. On your recommendation I will keep my eyes open for Eggers’ book.
xo….
I have a friend who is obsessed about twins.
she writes/ paints/ watches movies about them… these and “eyes”.. that and quantum physics….
Imogen: I am happy to know that I am not totally delusional and that there is in fact something there that not only I see. Thank you, Imogen.:-)
Truth be told, perfection is pretty boring to read about. I am sure it must be nice to live but I don’t think many people really have it. Sharing my imperfections and my less than perfect life makes me feel less alone and I am perfectly happy if it makes others feel that way too.Thank again, Imogen, for your generous comment.
Vodka Mom: All your and Braja’s readers know that you two are twins. Braja’s twinship to you seems obvious that I assumed she already knew.
Glad you liked it.:-)
Mardel: I don’t think having a twin is necessary to be a good writer as you already are. And, thank you, lovely you, for that very nice compliment. When I am not writing(just speaking) I am not very good at storytelling. Writing allows for more time, thought and editing.
editor: I do write what I think and sometimes it can be a bit embarrassing but without fail the more I am scared to share something the more response I get that others have felt this way too. The less afraid I have felt the less universal the revelation seems to be.
sallymandy: I wish we would be reunited, at least in the bookstore they could display our books together. That would be enough for me.;-)
I think it is human nature to look for similarities and differences. I think it is perhaps biological. And, I do think that the things we sometimes cling to as commonalities can be a bit of a reach. “OMG, we both like Seinfeld and chocolate! What are the odds?” In fact as the show was extremely possible and as chocolate is almost universally loved, the odds are pretty-pretty good.;-)
In blogging about so many personal issues that I falsely assumed only I felt a certain way about it has really helped me see that I am not alone in feeling x,y, or z and it has been an enormous comfort.
Sallymandy, I LOVE Dave Foster Wallace. I too was seriously shaken by his death. I even wrote a post about it.http://labeletterouge.blogspot.com/2008/09/infinite-jest.html
I have been watching the French Open and watching tennis almost always makes me think of him. What a tragic loss.
I feel sure you would really like Dave Eggers. Let me know if you give him a try.
xo
Simon : Eyes are in fact twins! And, take a look at Susan’s comment about quantum physics and twin particles and you will see why your friend has the quantum physics obsession too. There is a theme.
WHAT A FANTASTIC POST!!!
It’s interesting to hear the lovely quote from your twin Eggers, about opening up and revealing our inner selves and the stuff we experience.
I am a heart on ones sleeve type of person once someone knows me, but can be completely the other way if I don’t know someone.
By writing our thoughts down we can, in a way dis-attach from feeling like we are a big gaping wound and there is less fear of judgement than vocal expression, face to face with another. Ironically though it allows us at the same time to become even more connected to our experiences as they are recorded and kept safe, in order to be re-read and possibly re-assessed at a later date.
Hugely Healing!!
I will most likely be reading this book you have talked about by Dave Eggers. Thank you for sharing.
And I love Dianne Arbus too.
Nan Goldin is another of my faves.
OMG: I want to have sex with Dave Egger! .. wait, does it mean I secretely want to have sex with you?
He’s one of my favorite writer and I absolutely loved HWSG. Read all his books, read by Mcsweeny, HAVE LIVED IN San Francisco.. I’m practically a stalker.
corine/hidden in france
Love it and also moleskin notebooks – almost a twin…
Susan: OMG!!!! I LOVE THIS. Thank you!!!!!! I am going to look into twin photons. Thank you!!!!!Truly, I can’t thank you enough for this. I am off to Google!!!
I am so adding this into my twinning theory and fantasy.
Huge hugs and thanks!
xo
pplongstocking: THANK YOU!!!!:-))
My twin is a genius and a brilliant writer.I feel SURE you would love Dave. Really, if you like me you are certain to like my twin!;-)
I am really VERY shy. If you met me outside of this blog I would seem pretty quiet and cautious and slow to reveal. But, writing is soooo much easier than talking for the
reasons you say.
It is so interesting to look back at old blog posts and see who I was and where I was in different times and spaces. Have I mentioned, I love writing??
Corine: Hee-hee! Why yes, I guess it does.;-)
You have great taste in writers and no wonder you like me so much.
Make Do Style: Yep, we are twins too!:-)
So, is it you, me, Pearl and Dave? I love Chris Elliot so much I have his show ‘Get a Life” on DVD.
Moleskin notebooks, jeans, please, my house is overflowing with them.
This is all very exciting!
Sister Wolf: So we are all quadruplets. Hello, sister!
I LOVE Chris Elliot. My two fav episodes of Get a Life are when Chris models and the one with Spewie. He-weasel and I call every frozen yogurt machine “Spewie”. We even own “Cabin Boy”. “Hey, little girl, wanna buy a monkey?” Well, that is Dave Letterman’s line but it is still funny.
LOVE this!!!
Also, it is interesting and meaningful to me that I have seen this book mentioned four times this week by bloggers that I admire. Despite its wonderful title, I've never read it. I must address this immediately!
Bee: Thank you!!!
I would LOVE to know which other bloggers that you read are Eggers fans. They must be brilliant bloggers if they are recommending my twins genius book.