1. I am worrying about a friend I love who is in Switzerland. Please know I am thinking of you, I love you, and I want everything to be okay for you. You are like a sister to me, and as a sister-less weasel, I am so grateful you are in my life. Take good care of yourself.
2. I watched Lovely and Amazing. I cannot recommend this movie enough for women with mothers and/or women with self-esteem issues or for anyone with a daughter. I would recommend having a Susie Orbach book waiting to read when you are done with this film.
3. Made lists of ways I will spend my money once I start working in the fall. Yep, I am going back to work. Don’t worry, I am going to keep blogging.
4. Became obsessed with finding this article. Anybody have access to an academic library with this journal, American Imago? Please. I beg.
5. Considered these charm bracelets: one and two. I am wanting to add a new one to my formidable collection. Why do I like charm bracelets? I think that in my mind charm bracelets are evidence of interests, accomplishments and a life lived. They, so to speak, are like wearing your heart on your wrist.
My mother had a charm bracelet when I was little. Her bracelet had a gold heart; a record player; a gold medallion with a profile of a young girl on one side and my name and birthday on the other; there was another charm for my half-brother who I never saw as he lived with his father and who my mother talked to once a month on the phone because my dad didn’t want him to visit us; a boxing glove( to symbolize her relationship with her ex-husband); a mailbox, and a Buddha. I remember that when I was very little she would wear the bracelet and I would hold her hand and tour each charm and ask her questions about each one that I had asked before and when I got to my charm I wouldn’t ask her any questions, instead I would silently rub my finger over the engraving of the letters that spelled my name and the date of my birth. I think I liked her charm bracelet as it said something she never did, she loved me.
One day the charm that represented me fell off and my mother never had it put back on. My mother quit wearing the bracelet so I imagine it didn’t matter that I fell off. Years later in a clutter clearing she gave me the bracelet and I was thrilled. I loved the bracelet even though I wasn’t on it and the “me” charm had long ago been lost.
I started to collect them as soon as my mother gave me hers. I wanted my own charm bracelets but I didn’t have the patience to develop a collection so I bought J Crew and Kate Spade charm bracelets with symbols that were not mine and no stories to tell. It is the jewelry equivalent of buying photo albums from strangers and trying to pass them off as your own.
If we had been lucky enough to have had a baby I would have started a charm bracelet filled with symbols and stories that told the story of my love for my child. A golden syringe representing the IVF drugs, a golden at-home positive pregnancy test, a stork, a rabbit, a heart, and a medallion that had our babies name and birthday. Her name was going to be Sophia Grace. His was going to be William Cole. No such babies or bracelet exists, or ever will.
All of a sudden these Kate Spade bracelets seem stupid and unsatisfying.
6. Spent ten hours on Makeupalley.com reading about eye creams and decided I am going to try Kiehl’s Avocado eye cream.
7. Trying to wrap my mind around Igor’s assertion that my mother tries to use me
(metaphorically) as a phallic object substitute to fill up her emptiness. According to Igor, my mother believes that it is my job to satisfy her wanting and yet I will always fail her as I cannot give her what she really wants and so she will always be disappointed with what I do give her.
8. I am playing the “How many days can we eat out of the pantry and freezer without going to the grocery store” game. It seems that I am winning the game.
9. Watched all of season three of Dexter in 24 hours and managed to sleep nightmare free.
10. Putting Lily’s baby teeth, that are falling out at a clip (three yesterday), in plastic bags and telling myself that I am going to make one of those scrapbooky things or at least hire someone else to do it as I am hopelessly uncrafty.
Oh, I have my grandmother’s charm bracelet. It is one of the few sentimental things I own, alone with the ONE picture from my entire childhood. I wore it on my wedding day. Anything I have that I treasure came from my grandmother, not my mother. (Bad, bad daughter!)
Despite my world-renowned fashion sense, I can’t help you with the charm bracelets or eye cream, but yes, we subscribe to that journal. Check your inbox for the PDF of that article.
I think Igor is very insightful. My mother also expected her children to fill the emptiness in her life, and that was a very heavy burden to carry.
You’ve actually found Lily’s baby teeth?? I think my dogs must have swallowed theirs!
I will definitely have to look into “Lovely and Amazing” – sounds like it’s right up my alley.
I’m about to email you your article!
Tara
I have a charm bracelet from my mum which I never wear as I’d be devastated to loose it. So it just sits on it’s own in a pretty box. Seems kind of sad actually.
Oh Lucky you! You’ve got your article, at least twice!!
My grandma gave me her charm bracelet… It has the profile of her grandchildren (w/names) and a button from her (great?) grandfathers Civil War “jacket,” and a couple of other charms of no meaning to me….
She wanted to give me her glass swans, but I had flown to visit her and I didn’t want to risk breaking them… I haven’t gotten them …yet….
That mommy fulfillment issue Igor raised….huuuuuuuuuuum….does that ring bells….! Being the daughter of a feminist, she wanted to raise me to be something/one she felt she could never be…. It took me a looooooooong time to figure out, they were her dreams, not mine…… (Still tryin to work that one out completely! Wow, the way our parents can fuck us up! And yeah, it’s all their fault!)
I’ve got a copy of the article to e-mail you, but it sounds as if other commenters have already jumped to your rescue.
KT: Not bad daughter. Good granddaughter! I would love to see your charm bracelet. I find them so interesting.
Randal and Tara: You two are my heroes. THANK YOU!!!! I was hoping one if your brilliant academics would have access to it. Really, you have no idea how much this means to me. As soon as I found the title of that article there was going to be no rest until I found it. And, it is as good and insightful as I hoped. Thank you!!!
Deja Pseu: There is something alarming to hear that one’s mother uses them as a phallic substitute wanting us to stimulate her, fill her, and give her something to be happy about. And, as a woman, it is impossible for me to be the phallus she wants( literally or metaphorically) and hence she is and always will be chronically wanting and unfulfilled—and there is nothing I could do about that.
Yep, we were playing and Mr. Duck got bloody and the next thing I know there are three baby teeth on the floor. Poor thing. Her gums are really hurting her.
Sal: When I saw this film I knew you had to see it. Really, I thought of you and the blog posts you would write inspired by it.
Big City Bumpkin: If I were you I would take it to a jeweler and have him or her put on a clasp that will not come off. I would hate for you to never get to wear something you treasure so much.
giggles: I am VERY lucky and grateful.When I couldn’t find access to the article on my own I was sure that one of my brilliant and well read readers could help me. I was right!
the button from the Civil War jacket sounds amazing. What a treasure. You are lucky to have it.
I am trying to read Nancy Chodorow and Melanie Klein as a means of getting greater intellectual understanding of what happened and why and hoping that can free me of it. I’ll let you know if that works. My mother novel project is requiring more intellectual and psychological work than I was hoping.
Forgive my random association: Your grandmothers glass swans and your mothers feminism made me think of a book that I really like, it is called The Pink Glass Swan: Selected Essays on Feminist Art by Lucy Lippard.
Materfamilias:Thank you!!! It is amazing to have such generous readers. It is a great article and I think you might enjoy it considering your classes. Thanks again!:-)
Please don’t take this the wrong way … I am not judging you in any way …
I think that maybe you put too much energy into everything your mother, most especially what she feels, needs, wants concerning you. There is nothing you can do to fix her individually or your past relationship. We all look for validation in the people around us your mother it seems cannot give you that. Stop looking there. My heart truly aches for you … morn your loss. Move on. We can’t spend our whole lives waiting for Godot. I have been reading your blog for a long time, I know we don’t know each other and I don’t think I know you but I think that you are enough. Be happy.
I think that Igor must be very insightful but it almost be upsetting to think about one’s mother in this way. But I can say there is no reward in having a mother who uses her child/children as some kind of substitute for something lacking in their own lives.
I like that freezer/pantry game. I play it occasionally. However it always ends up that no matter how much I think I am winning the battle, I always lose the war and have to go back to the grocery store.
Anony: I get and appreciate your point and I know you are right. But, the thing is that I am writing a book about a reluctant home coming and the story of a mother and daughter with issues and that is what I talk to Igor about, what I read about, and what I am writing about. I do hope that in doing all this work I can be free of her. I can’t get through it be skipping over it, if only.
I don’t think I continue to look for validation from her rather what, at this point, am trying to do is understand everything. But, there were years when I went to the hardware store hoping to buy milk and was always disappointed. No, neither my my mother or I will never get what we want from each other and that is just how it is. Sad but true.
I appreciate your kind concern. Thank you.:-)
Mardel: I think it is shocking, in a childish way, to hear the words you, mother and phallus in the same sentence. My first unsophisticated reaction was “gross!”
I think today is the day I lose the game and have to go back to the grocery store. But, we did clean up the freezer and god forbid there is an earthquake today or we would only have canned pumpkin to live on.
Belle, I like the Amour charm bracelet best, but then I would…
In terms of evidence of a life lived and your interests, I don’t think you need an outward manifestation of that, Belette. My feeling is that what you create among friends here, your emerging novel, your cares for world-scattered friends, and your love from and for for Lily and the fabulous He-Weasel are more than enough… I feel you need to hug those things to your scarred heart, to appreciate yourself just how much you do every day and what you have achieved, and to notice what you will go on to do in spite of the past horrors… Then you need to breathe them deeply in… I swear that this will be cheaper, and that you will shine like a charm bracelet, perhaps even more than you do now xoox
A Woman Of No Importance: Thank you for your very lovely comment.
Maybe I don’t need evidence but a reminder can be nice when we forget. Like having photos of loved ones around. It helps me feel what I can on occasion forget. I would LOVE to have a charm bracelet with a golden symbol of Lily, Woozle, my bloggy friends, the novel and other assorted things I treasure. Somehow having the symbolic can help os connect to the literal( I think that Catholics got that right).
As you advise I am hugging deeply all those things I treasure and letting them do their magic. The breathing can be hard for me but I will do my best. I value and treasure your kind and sincere words. Thank you.
Does the tooth fairy come for Lily?
You better keep blogging what would we do without you?! Maybe you can see if the tooth fairy will come for Lily’s baby teeth? Well it’s worth the try.
~Tessa~Scoffs: She did get a treat under her pillow and the Easter Bunny is coming for her.
Laura: I am hoping to get WendyB to turn Lily’s teeth into jewelry for me. Maybe a Lily charm bracelet.:-)
Charm bracelets are fun… I was collect ones for a couple years… I have two bracelets filled… all symbols have meanings… I wore them a lot… they are Pandora bracelets sterling silver bracelets and charms… two years ago I stopped wearing them… they have been sitting in a drawer… what does that mean… hmmmm… I will have to think about this… do I have my memories tucked away safely… or do they now signify a bad memory… or are they tainted… they were in a draw the day I was burglarized… they took the majority of my jewelry… however they did not take these two bracelets… did they not see them… or did they leave out of “kindness”… for whatever reason… I don’t feel like wearing them anymore… hmmmmm…
Tell #1 I am thinking of her too.
Fifi Flower: I wonder why they sit in your drawer and not on your wrist. Any ideas?
WendyB: I’ll tell her.:-)
I heard from someone else that movie was good…putting it in my Netflix queue right now.
A long time ago a friend carved a beautiful flying heart of dental wax and had three made in metal – one gold for her and two silver for two of us. Some years later my friend who got the other silver one found the original cast and decided to have a gold one too. She went to a jeweler and was told to return in a week when it would be ready. That day she walked in and the jeweler looked discomfitted. She asked for the gold flying heart and he told her the cast was one for two front teeth and did she still want it? She said not but I think I would have taken it.
La Belle; if you had “real” children like mine they would have broken your charm bracelet and chewed up the charms by now.
Why don’t you get a hard gold bangle, like an indian princess and then squeeze it on to your arm so it never comes off. Show it to Lily and say it means that you will always have time to rough house and mess around with her, without worrying about charms catching on your clothes and falling off.
Your journey can be charted with words missus and the more you tell, the less pain you are carrying around in your ovaries and uterus.
There are no happy endings, but plenty of happy beginnings. look forward to those.
x
I’ve got some of Tank and Anna’s baby teeth!
Tim and I went around collecting what we could find when they were puppies.
I had a charm bracelet in high school (I still have it but never wear it anymore). It had an LP record album, a goldfish, a cat, a love letter from my boyfriend, a guitar and a music note. All things I loved when I was 17! It’s fun to look at it once in awhile.
I have a little charm bracelet now I wear with a heart, a globe of the world, and a cross. It’s kind of a “for God so loved the world” bracelet I got at on a website called Share His Story. They have a lot of bracelets that are themed for life events or different bible scriptures. The lady that owns the company, Jan, is very kind.
my dear la belette, there is something so wistful about your post today…I am hoping you are OK? I don’t have a charm bracelet but have always wanted one…I keep thinking I will start one but as the years go by, I still haven’t! oh well, maybe next year…we have the same mother, btw, I think…I have not heard I am her phallus however I have heard she uses me like she uses everyone else and she also hates me because I am a threat… and she cannot love another outside herself, as she is a malignant narcissist…isn’t that an awful term? anyway, dear one, we shall be each other’s mothers ok?
I hope your friend is well!
I have added your movie to my queue.
I could just imagine how you felt when the little charm that represented you fell off and she never replaced it…how tender we are as children … and how unconscious some people can be toward their children…it breaks my heart!
I will have to check out your cream…I use creme de la mer for everything because I don’t like having a bunch of different things to use…I only use one thing right now but would like to find an eye cream that didn’t upset my eyes!
What is it that you will do when you go back to work? I don’t think I have read that about you yet!
much love sis
xoxox
may 24 is the due date, btw…I will keep you posted!
and alicia is wonderful!
Oh Belette – I’m about to run out the door to shop with a client, and there you go ruining my mascara, making it run down my face.
I can so understand why the charm bracelet is so sentimental and meaningful for you. You write so poignantly about it.
Igor is a smart man – you know that – I can see where he is coming from. Interesting, as a baby she got a charm for you, you were going to fill up her neediness yet, as you were not what she was wanting/needing, the importance of that charm waned for her waned, but of course it never waned for you.
The New Black: The film really does confront how women judge ourselves. It was tough to watch in some places but it is good.
Susan: I would definitely wear a gold Lily tooth.-)
Hammie:So I can be charming without charms? A gold bangle. Hmm. I haven’t ever gone that way. It does seem more bohemian and independent spirit. I think I might look for one.
I love your theory. The more I write the less I carry. That is a good one. I love where your head is at.
I feel a new beginning around the corner and I am excited about it.
Kelly: I remember when Tank was just a little puppy. Where does time go?
I do love jewelry that tells a story and charm bracelets certainly do that as you so beautifully illustrate.
Linda: You are good at reading between the lines. I have been a bit sad: worried about my friend, upset about not writing and hit hard by Igor’s insight.
My mother was never one to embrace her identity as a mother. I was forever trying to get her into being a happy stay at home mother. I failed.
Creme de la mer doesn’t do anything for me except make my wallet lighter. I do like creme de la mer’s eye serum but it is insanely expensive( I think over $250).
I am stealthy about work I do and don’t reveal the particulars on the blog. Lily will tell your dog and then she can tell you.;-)
May 24th!!! I am so excited for you, Lily, He-weasel and I are counting the days until your little one arrives.
Imogen: Sorry, lovely, I didn’t mean to smear your makeup. It wasn’t until I started to write about the charm bracelet that I realized what I was really after.
You are so right, she had hoped I would fill her and instead she believed only my father could do it( only he didn’t) and then he died and she turned to me again. I have a few tears too. Thanks,dear Imogen, I feel a palpable warmth and hug in your comment. Your comment is even better than a peanut butter cup.:-)
It is sad for your mother that she felt she was not whole and needed someone else to fill her, rather than being able to fill herself.
That neediness made her a bad mother as she was selfish with her own needs, rather than being giving and looking after yours.
I understand how hard it is to be a stay-at-home mum, I wouldn’t be able to do it. I hope that my compromise doesn’t hurt my children. I think I’m happier for it, so in turn they will benefit.
I must watch that movie – I’m intrigued!
I LOVED Lovely and Amazing. I laughed and cried and cried an laughed!
As for the charm bracelets, why not start one for You, hour He-weasel and your life including your travels, your successes, your writing and of course Lilly and Wear it, be proud of it as you have so much to be proud of.
Much love
M
xxoo
LBR: Why don’t you replace “yourself” on your Mother’s charm bracelet? She lost the symbol for “you” and didn’t replace it….and that hurt. But, you can find a similar charm and have your name and date of birth engraved and attach it to the bracelet. It’s a way to say “I matter” and it will be shiny and new while the other charms have probably had some wear and tear. It might prove to be healing for you.
I love the idea of a Lily charm bracelet….you would definitely have stories to tell about those charms!
Warfield lost his teeth and I found them everywhere. He just had a few pulled from his last visit to the doggie dentist and they asked me if I wanted them…um no thanks. Not quite the same as finding baby teeth!
Hugs to you…
love charm bracelets , the symbolism of each charm and the sounds they create together… also I love playing the same game about living off the pantry and freezer..kind of a test of creativity and also discipline. have a great weekend!!
I have a charm bracelet that I wore as a teen, but then the more I looked at it, the more sad I felt about it. I never added to it, because I felt like there weren’t that many significant things in my life. Once I got past the three kids charms, then what? Eh.
Charm bracelets can be so fun….I am fortunate enough to have my Grandmother’s and Mother’s, both full of symbolism and dreams realized. But I almost never wear them….and I can’t really say why.
The baby teeth are amazing?! I can’t remember ever finding any of Phred’s (the previous beast) and of course, we rescued Tilly long after that would have happened, so it makes Lily seem even more special!
And you know, vacuuming is overrated. Honest.
tp
Beautiful post. What a touching piece on the charm bracelets… and in such a small column of print. I guess that’d be considered a teeny tiny short story, but what a powerfully potent one it was. (Although, I would still have to say go for the Kate Spade “Junebug” bracelet simply as a magnificent specimen of adornment)
Baby-Lily teeth charm bracelets? Oh how adorable…photos photos
xxx
Oh love charm braclets anf Igor is very wise!
I adore charm bracelets that have been filled over time.
I will look for the movie you mentiond. Looks very interesting.
New to your blog—-love it!!
I have a charm bracelet that I haven’t worn because the charms keep coming off and I am afraid of losing everything—-I need to figure out a better way to secure them.
…and I am going to check out the eye cream.
Imogen: You are an amazing mother. I am sure that your mother and your stepmother were too. My mother had a bad mother as I am sure hers did too. Patterns can be hard to break.
Lovely and Amazing is a must see for all women, I think.
Mervat:That scene where the little black girl wants to peel off her skin to look like her white mother made me so sad. And, ugh, the scene where the actress asks the actor to pick apart her faults—ugg!!!
I am going to start charm bracelets. One for Lily, one for He-weasel and one for me. Three charm bracelets are better than one.;-)
L: I really and truly love your idea. Really, I am going to do it. I am going to stop by a jewelers on Thursday. Thank you.!
I still have a bag full of Inkey fur that I imagine I will never throw away.
Dancing doc: I love symbols and charm bracelets to me are the most symbolic of jewelry.
My game of living off the pantry and the freezer is more abut my laziness but I like your read on it.:-)
Amy: I am so curious about the sadness that the bracelet illicited. How about adding to your bracelet with your pets or your blog? Both are important as are gorgeous you.:-)
thepreppyprincess:I love that both your mother and grandmother have given you a wrist full of fulfilled dreams. What a lovely gift.
Tell Tily that Lily and I think she is very special.
Vacuuming sucks!!!!
*SparkleMirror*: Thank you, I am really glad you like it.
I too like the “Junebug” and He-weasel and I have a story about Junebugs so the KS bracelet would not be totally devoid of symbolism.
♥ Braja: Of the teeth or of Lily?
Aghtheinlaws:I wonder if Igor has notices my bracelets.
The Things We Carried: I do prefer charm bracelets that are not ready made.
It is a really wise and insightful movie.
Shawn: Lovely to meet you. Thank you for coming by and for the very kind comment.
I would definitely take your charm bracelet to a jeweler and have them secure your treasures.
I hope we both like the eye cream.
I wish the more you talk and think and write about your mother, the less pain the relationship will cause you. Mother-daughter relationships are always complicated, but yours sounds particularly fraught. I can’t believe she lost your charm and didn’t bother to re-attach it. I hope you can take comfort in the fact that you’re loved and appreciated by so many other people.
We used to buy charms as kids whenever we went someplace, and mom saved them all for us – thank god! and my husband saves every cat whisker he finds, I think it’s so cute, he thinks they are powerful totems.