It has officially been a year since we left Lake Bluff, Illinois. I thought I was doing okay. I thought I was starting to feel okay about L.A. and more on the hedonic side of things. Well, my psyche conspires against me. Wednesday morning I dreamt of Lake Bluff. There were no words, only images of Lake Bluff in the spring. It was kind of like a slide show. One image after the next all beautiful, green and lovely. I woke and for a second I didn’t remember that we had moved away and that instead of our lovely home off of Sheridan Drive I was now in a one bedroom condo in Valencia. The only thing I can compare the feeling to is a million years ago an idiot guy broke up with me and I was absolutely sick about it. You know that kind of love sick that leaves you convinced nothing will ever be right with the world again. So, I was that kind of sick and I remember the mornings of those days when I would wake up and just for a minute or two I would forget my heart was broken. That is what waking from this dream of Lake Bluff was like. When my memory returned and I realized that we lived in L.A. real tears started to flow.
A few months before we left Lake Bluff I started to have nightmares that we had to move back to L.A. I would wake He-weasel and make him vow that we never had to come back here ever again. See, L.A. is the site of early-life trauma. I have the kind of childhood trauma that gets one a spot on the Oprah show. Coming back here is a constant reminder of that. Also, I am an only child of a narcissistic mother and my mother is here in Southern California and that means I am closer to my mother (in mileage only). Now do you understand the vows, the nightmares, the tears? If not you don’t know what it is like to have a narcissist for a parent you should count your blessings.
I told Igor about my dream and the grief that it triggered and he responded,”If you grew up in Hell wherever you move to is going to feel like paradise.” Moving away from L.A. to Lake Bluff was a dream come true for me and its opposite a nightmare. Lake Bluff was everything that L.A. wasn’t. I felt at home. I felt safe. I felt sure that my new home was my reward for all that I endured. It was the perfect place to have kids and raise a family. People describe Lake Bluff as Mayberry of the North Shore and that is the kind of place that I wanted to raise my children. The one and only reason everyone moves to the North Shore of Chicago for is because they have kids and the schools are great.
When we left Lake Bluff for Austin last year because of He-weasel’s job I was devastated. I was not just because we were leaving our home but also because we failed to fulfill our baby dreams and because of that we could never return. Or, as Igor said, “Moving there would be masochistic.” Yet, I miss it like a person I can never see again because to see them again would remind me of what cannot be and what I cannot have. I can truly never go home again. We cannot ever go back and that is a pain that I am today feeling more keenly than a kidney stone.
Even though we have a lovely place to live here in Valencia I feel homeless. There is nowhere in the world that is home to me. L.A. is not and never will be my home even though I am making lovely friends here. Lake Bluff is the Eden from which we have been ejected. I think endlessly about where we should try to get transferred. San Francisco? New York? Boston? All these places have their appeal and yet I cannot imagine making a home or feeling as at home as I did in Lake Bluff when I believed we would raise a family there. I know, I know, home is where the heart is and that is all well and good but I want a city in a state with an address and a place to put my stuff that feels like home to me and I no longer believe that I will ever know that feeling ever again. I wonder if there isn’t a bright side to that and yet I am unable to see it today, the L.A. sunshine is obscuring my view.
“You can never go home again, Oatman. But I guess you can shop there.” Grosse Point Blank (1997)
“Nothing is wrong with Southern California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn’t cure. “
Ross McDonald
Hi Belette, I’m so sorry that you feel this way. I can totally sympathize with you. My dad sold our family house (where he, his father and his grandfather were born)last October and I’ve been dreaming of it regularly since. It is a beautiful house on the hills but it was too costly and time-consuming for my parents to run. I feel guilty that if hadn’t move abroad I could have helped them. I think this is the main reason of my dreams…Can’t He-weasel be transferred to Paris (Europe, I mean). You might feel better there…All the best. Ciao. Antonella
Bellette,
I don’t know what to day today except I am sorry. Having followed you for some time, I know how difficult this has been for you. Maybe, just maybe you will eventually land somewhere you love. Maybe Evanston;-). Somehow I don’t feel that any thing I can say today can make this better. Maybe you will feel better just for having put it out for us all to feel for you. Be good to yourself today.
I’ve been stuck in the same county nearly my entire life, so I can sympathize, but not understand what that pain is exactly like, so I won’t pretend to.
That said, I wonder if the ideal surrounding “home” you transferred to Lake Bluff and separating the ideal from the real is, well, as difficult as rejection in love. (do I sound like a armchair version of Igor?)
At the risk of being downbeat, Paris might be your best option. Of course, think of the writing that can come from this misery. That’s supposed to sound supportive in a simultaneously upbeat and bleak way, if that makes any sense.
I’m sorry that this grief won’t leave you alone. I’m sorry that you feel like a displaced person and truly hope you find your heart home someday.
I can’t really give advice,since I’ve never been in your situation,but I was thinking,the only way you’ll ever find the city you want to make ‘home’,is to travel and see as many places as possible.I believe in vibes,and places give off vibes,and you will most probably feel which place suits you best.Take a road trip or something and see if anything appeals to you.
But I know the economy sucks,so this probably isn’t even possible,so I hope you can get a little peace of mind,even if you have to stay in LA.
La Belle, You WILL find your home or your ‘Lake Bluff’ wherever it may be and when you least expect it – that is for certain. I found my home in a place I never expected and at a time I never thought possible. I thought I was already living in my ‘Lake Bluff’ but then after I moved I realized I had only just found it. These things do happen, xv.
I am not sure how to respond – I have lived in Kent pretty well all of my life and I love it. I thought you were beginning to feel settled in Valencia. I hope it is a short lived phase and that you can get back on track soon.
Belle:
I’m sending you all my love. Igor is genius. You are a dear and wonderful girl, and I wish you didn’t have this pain stuck like a horrific thorn in your heart.
I do really think the home of your perfect dreams is still out there for you to discover, and that that discovery will bring you wild satisfaction.
In the meantime, you’ve had a really rough go of it–you’re entitled to feel all emotions associated with the ups and downs of the recent years. I know I’m not alone when I say that I’ll hang onto the rollercoaster with you…
love,
Kirie
Belle, if you have such a strong emotional and sub-conscious attachment to Lake Bluff, why would living there again, albeit in changed circumstances, be a no-no for you, in a different house, with a different view, and so on?
I also believe in the vibes of a place, and Paris is one of my spiritual homes, definitely. You will find yours, I am certain, if you have not done so already. Ask your heart, darling Belle, and make a list of pros and cons of destinations, if need be, to try to look at this situation logically, if poss? Love xox
I’m so sorry to read this but I have to say I understand completely. I have moved many times in my life. When I was in 3rd grade my family moved to outside DC. We moved away from there when I was in 9th grade. I still have not given up hope that I will one day return there. I have been by the neighborhood many times on my travels south but still can’t bring myself to go see my childhood house for fear I won’t leave. Weird huh? I totally sympathize with you. I hope it gets better for you and you find somewhere that makes you happy. Just maybe like the others have said in their comments, just putting out there will help you. I wish you the best.
I understand in many ways. I had a wacky only-child upbringing myself, and some years ago (in my 30s, I think) started to have a little voice in my head regularly say “I want to go home.” But that “home” is NOT my parent’s home, or even my (much loved and suited to DH and me) house. I don’t know where it is yet. I wonder if the combination of only-child and wacky early life produces an adult sense of displacement. We didn’t fit in with the normal families, or all of those kids who grew up in “pack of kids” households, and we’re still outside of the envelope today.
That said, being an outsider is great for a writer, and look at how much more compassion we can find and share with others, since we’re not all wrapped up in how wonderful we are, and poor unfortunate everyone else.
A handful of dust. These are the things that fall away. Love is eternal.
Grieving takes time, and it applies to “getting over” places as well as people. It can pop up years later—especially with places.
I bet you’ll try a few more places before you find your “real” home.
Oh Bellette! I am sorry that these feelings have surfaced again. I can see that LA is not going to be your spiritual home, and Igor is very wise. And I can see why Lake Bluff was your dream home, at least of your youthful dreams, and that too has been blown away. I completely understand about going back to Lake Bluff because you can never relive that dream that was once your dream of happiness.
But I do believe that you will find your new true spiritual home, a mature home, a home of new dreams, not a home of dreams unfilled and longings broken. Your new home will be filled with love and happiness. You might not know where that place will be, but it will come. In the meantime you have he-weasel and lily to lick away your tears and envelop you in love.
Putting aside *what* you said for just a moment…*how* you said it was absolutely beautiful. It really evoked emotions for me and made me connect to my own memories of paradise lost.
Mine was not so much a town, a place, as a time period within a particular place. I too can never go home again. There are loved ones that, even if I were to see them again, would not be how they were then…those people are lost to me.
I am sorry for your loss, for your homesickness. Of course the optimist in me fervently believes that you will someday find a new paridse. Or if not that unrealistic Eden, then at least a “home sweet home” of a different kind, not exactly the same ideal, but just as sweet.
That is my wish for you
And again, gorgeously written, you brought tears to my eyes and made me love my little house a bit more (not Eden, but still very much home)
‘Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves’. J M Barrie
I am sorry that you are feeling so nostalgic for Lake Bluff.
Oh sweetie, I understand, I really do. I also grew up in Southern California, suffered trauma and abuse there, and I have a borderline personality disorder mother who still lives there (who I do not speak with anymore because I cannot bear it). In childhood, we lived in as many different houses as there were years to my life and even though California seemed like it should be “home” to me, it wasn’t until I found a place that actually felt like home that I realized how much it was not. After living in Indiana and Kentucky for some time, I stumbled across New Orleans while on vacation and knew INSTANTLY that it is where I belonged. As you know, I am still here. When we thought, after Katrina, that we might never have it back it was the most horrific, deep, grieving pain. I remember the nightmares. I remember the tears and the hurt. Unbearable.
However, this comment isn’t meant to be about me. It is about you. I am so sorry that you are missing home today. I just want you to know that I absolutely, without question, know how much that hurts and that I’m so sorry. I hope that you receive extra hugs today. I know that you will find a new home that suits your new life. In the meantime, hang one, hang on.
Ah, the dreaded dream in the night that leaves one feeling completely empty, inconsolable. I am so sorry you are in such a place of sadness right now Miss LBR. I believe you *will* find the home place inside of you whenever that is supposed to happen. As trite as it sounds, I do believe that.
I hope the Lily-love is giving you extra kisses. I am sending you a monster hug,
tp
“If you grew up in Hell wherever you move to is going to feel like paradise.” — Igor really knows how to sum it all up.
LB…perhaps this world is not our ‘real/final’ home…one day we’ll finally be?…after we take our last breath??? Hopefully God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away… Let me ponder more today dear…I’d know for sure when I reach 2 the other side
My heart goes out to you, Belette. To feel homeless and misplaced and displaced all at once must be positively crushing.
Antonella: I am sorry about the loss of your family home. It sounds like it was lovely. If only he could be transferred to Paris. I assure you if he could we would.xo
Julianne:I don’t think we can go back to Chicago at all. I liked Evanston but it was too big for me. I loved the smallness and quiet of Lake Bluff.
It is all up because I am writing the novel and really telling the truth about all of these feelings and it is great to get it out but it also brings it to the surface.
xo
Randal:I started to hyperventilate a little imagining living in the same county all of my life. Ugh! I hope you like your county.
You should think about being an Igor. You are so right. It absolutely feels like a rejection in love and as if there is something wrong with me because I was ejected from Eden.
I do think that Paris is an Eden—but I do feel like Paris can’t feel like home. I feel like I would always feel like an outsider there. Maybe I will always feel like an outsider everywhere.
I think that writing the novel brought all of this up. I am writing stuff that I would have never dated to write when I was writing non-fiction. It is great but so fricking hard.
xo
Deja Pseu: Thank you. I am back to feeling like it a dream that I am here and that soon I will wake up and I will be back in Chicago. Sadly, it is not to be. I thank you for your wishes, a heart home would be lovely.xo
Penny:Good advice. I think that as He-weasel sees jobs available within his company in different areas we should take trips to see if these places feel like home.
I cannot commit to L.A. We were recently talking about homes and me getting my license in this state( for what I do) and I started to feel sick, trapped and almost claustrophobic. It is my hunch that writing the book will help me process all of this and then we will get out of here.
xo
Vicki: What you are saying about home is also what people say about love. I want to have hope and yet right now as I feel back in my anti-Eden that is hard to trust that I will ever feel at home again. I so sincerely hope you are right.xo
Completely Alienne:Having friends here has made it more bearable. But, as I am writing the novel about all of this all of the pain, grief and loss have come to the surface and I am feeling desperately homesick. xo
Kirie: Writing the novel and really writing honestly about leaving Lake Bluff against my will has created an emotional tsunami.
I just have lost faith that I can ever find a home or feel at home. Actually, I have lost hope for most things. The last few years have taken hope out of me.
xo
A Woman Of No Importance: Absolutely everyone there has kids. We would be the sad and childless couple and I can tell you that each day would be a torture as it would constantly remind me of it. I just cannot do it.
Paris is a spiritual home for me too. It is not possible that we live there and I am not sure if I would really even want to. I think I like Paris being perfect and it cannot stay that way if I lived there.
xo
TopSurf: D.C. is such a great town. I have friends who live there and have visited and really liked it. I understand not being able to go back. When I think of people living in our house in Lake Bluff I feel an unexplainable outrage.
It does help to say it. I was apprehensive to say it again because it feels like I should be over this by now but I am not.
xo
Marla: OMG! I was telling Igor that when I was little and at home that I would cry and say, “I want to go home.” It didn’t make sense. I didn’t know what I was talking about but a longing for a home has stuck with me all my life.
You raise an interesting question about the impact of being an only child in a less than perfect early life may create a sense of constant displacement. I definitely feel, as you say, outside the envelope. Sometimes I just want in that envelope. It looks nice and safe and warm in there.
You are so right. I do feel if my family life had been at all normal or if I was even at all in the envelope I would never have written anything. But there are days I would trade writing for a “normal” life.;-)
xo
Tessa:Eternal? Hmmm….;-)xo
Enc:What I have is called “complicated grief: and damn is it complicated.xo
Mardel: LA is making me deal with feelings and issues that I might never have fully dealt with I lived elsewhere. I feel lucky to have Igor to help me make sense of all of this but I so hope that when my work with him is done that He-weasel’s work will take us elsewhere. I just do not get what people love about this place. To my eye there is no beauty here. It is such an ugly place. No trees, no green, or open spaces in nature.
It really does hurt to not have had a childhood home and then to lose my dream home and the dreams that went with it.
Your last paragraph in your comment reads to me like a lovely fairytale. I soooo want you to be right. I am going to reread your comment again and again. I want that home you describe. I want it so bad.
xo
Kayleigh: You are always so nice to talk about the writing as well as the content. I am so touched that you felt something real as you read it and it brought up your own paradise lost.
To be grieving a time has to be so hard. There is no way to go back to another time. That must be difficult.
Thank you for sharing your optimism ,your wishes and your generous feedback. I am so pleased that I helped inspire a little more love for your lovely home.
xo
I know not being able to live the life in the place you love is beastly. Time does it heal it and you get used to mixing the memories with tears and smiles and sometimes shrugs xxx
Eden didn’t eject you La belette. Life is cruel though, and even though we grieve for our losses (children, hopes, dreams) we carry on. Time moves on. Life keeps coming at us. It just happened that your husband’s job was somewhere else.
I’m sure the dream of a family being so closely attached to Lake Bluff is also still hurting, and making the longing for that home so strong. I’m so sorry La belette.
I’m sorry you are feeling down today… I PROMISE Tuesday will be a day of FUN… I will have my “blowing sunshine up your ass” mode on! That’s what my girlfriend always says I do when she is down… LOL
Twin palms road: Thank you for the lovely quote and your kind comment. xo
Red Shoes: Wow, you really do understand. I am so happy you found a home. As we have similar backgrounds you have given me some hope that maybe I can find “home”.
It feels like some kind of bad joke that for a few years I was in a paradise and now I am back where I started from. If I believed in a god I would think I was being punished or I was living out some kind of horrible Greek myth.Thank you so much for your comment, for sharing your story and the warm encouragement.xo
Preppy Princess: It felt like bing sucker punched. I haven’t felt the same ever since I had that dream. Thank you for believing.
Thank you also for the hopes and hugs.xo
WendyB: He is a wise one, that Igor.
xo
Hugs, Margaret
LENORENEVERMORE: Thank you for your comment and kind thoughts. You are a sweetheart.xo
Sal:It really does feel like crap. I hope that this passes soon.xo
I love your engaging writing style. Anna Lefler sent me over here and I’m so glad she did. I will be back!
Oh Belette my heart aches for you! Sorry to hear that it's still hurting a year on, but it doesn't surprise me given how Lake Bluff was your idyllic home with your imagined idyllic life, and that didn't happen how you'd have liked.
When I was living in the UK and wasn't particularly happy there, at least I knew I had a home in Melbourne and that I could always come back. It was the place I'd chosen to call home (not where my parents lived, but where I chose to move to). It was a thought that kept me going til I got back.
I wish I could give you a big hug and offer you my shoulder to cry on.
I wish I could offer you some advice.
I wish I could magic up the perfect solution, but I know that will come eventually to you.
Some of us are not meant to be peripatetic, we need roots, I hope you find your place that has just the right amount of sun, rain and great soil to put yours down.
xx & pbc
Make Do Style: I think that the troubling piece it is starting to feel like a dream that we lived there and that we never really did. It is a surreal feeling.
xo
notSupermum: I know you are right. It is absolutely true that so much of Lake Bluff was about creating a family and a home for that family. Yep, it still hurts.
xo
Fifi: Lily and I look forward to it!
xo
Margaret: Thank you!
Nanny Goats In Panties: Thank you so much for your kind compliment.I am sorry your first visit was me whining. I promise that the next time you come I won’t be doing that.
I must thank Anna for sending you over.:-)
xo
Imogen: I imagine it does help to have a place that you know you can return to. I don’t have such a place. My mother’s home is most certainly not my home.
I wish that all your wishes would come true.I do need roots. I crave them.
Thanks, dear you.
xo
I think I’ve mentioned in a comment before that I still dream of my childhood home (in the west end of TO – a place I never really liked for its location, but the place I lived longest). In some dreams, I’m a ghost living in the walls and I watch the current inhabitants. And I don’t mean I’m a ghost because I’m long dead and gone. It’s like a part of me is still rattling around there.
K.Line: My He-weasel always dreams of his childhood home, it as if his psyche only has only that house in its storehouse. I, on the other hand, I can count the times on one hand that I have dreamt of my childhood home in the last 20 years. We have lived here for 8 months and I have not had one dream in which I was in L.A.
xo
You make me want to google for real estate in Lake Bluff right this minute, and i’m not even sure what State it’s in. State of Bliss it sounds like.
Corine: Illinois. I just spent an hour on Realtor.com. I seem to be a masochist.
If I counted up the years of my adulthood it’s likely I’d find I’d moved about every two years. After 15 years in Portland I’ve never once dreamed about the place; in fact, I never dream of places I’ve been, only places yet to be found which I don’t believe exist in the physical world.
Meanwhile, I try to find the beauty wherever I am. I know you do that too in spite of the obstacles. I hope you feel better soon.
I hope your heart finds its home soon LBR….and any time you want, you can bring it here, I’ll look after it xoxo
I cried big blobby tears and went many through tissues just last night bec/ my parents are selling our family’s Vermont vacation home where we spent holidays and I studied for boards, where life dreams were cast and long lazy afternoons were relished by the fire with coffee and card games….I missed the place and the characters who were my family,I know that hollow, kind of kicked in the gut,yearning feeling of loss you so beautifully described, I handed these feeling off to my pillow, my prayers and my dreams last night, with the half moon shining through the french,ancient appearing bubbled window pane…. home seemed like the faint memory, like a melting ….
I so agree with every single word of what Mardel said :-
said…
” Oh Bellette! I am sorry that these feelings have surfaced again. I can see that LA is not going to be your spiritual home, and Igor is very wise. And I can see why Lake Bluff was your dream home, at least of your youthful dreams, and that too has been blown away. I completely understand about going back to Lake Bluff because you can never relive that dream that was once your dream of happiness.
But I do believe that you will find your new true spiritual home, a mature home, a home of new dreams, not a home of dreams unfilled and longings broken. Your new home will be filled with love and happiness. You might not know where that place will be, but it will come. In the meantime you have he-weasel and lily to lick away your tears and envelop you in love. ” I felt I have to post it again, I hope Mardel doesn’t mind.
You are in the process of feeling and healing which leads you to your next dream. I look forward to seeing it unfold.
I experience your pain as my own, so close it has been to many of the things I have felt in my own life.
Much love, Sarah Lulu
Great post! I’ve felt the same way about past places I’ve lived, including my childhood city. I don’t think I could live there again.
BTW, I’ve nominated you for an award on my blog.
Oh my gosh. Lake Bluff, or more accurately, how you miss it and all that it represents, is your dementor.
What made you get past that heartbreak a million years ago when that idiot guy broke up with you? Was it time? Distraction? Some new love?
Maybe that can help, too.
Maybe you need a methadone? Although that can become a problem itself if not used wisely :^(
“the LA sunshine is obscuring my view”….la belette, are you sure it’s not the smog?? probably not this time of year, although smog doesn’t have a season generally…and my mother and your mother should get together! mine’s the malignant sort of narcissist , which is really lovely…and she is 80 and still she can’t seem to get over herself…I gave up ages ago too but you know what, dear girl? I do not live in the same city although for a very short time, I did and it was miserable on many levels…moving back there is/must be like really going back home again, a home filled with horror….I am surprised you went there, of all places, excepting perhaps jobs? I am partial to SF but then again, I’m a california girl and can’t imagine living anyplace other than northern california…I know you will find the place….Paris? ….have you seriously considered it? perhaps at this stage in your life, you might? or BC? it’s gorgeous up there, the water, the light and it’s surprisingly tropical without being over the top horrid…. I don’t know but I do know one thing…if you were raised in LA and had a hell of a childhood, which you did being the only child of a narcissist, then LA is not the best answer for you or your little family …..just my two cents, which I never hold back giving….I am a very generous soul!
my love and kisses to you and lily too.
xoxoxoxo
Susan: I love that you dream of places that have yet to be or that transcend our world. Very cool.
I too try to find the beauty where I am. Some days it is a challenge to do that in L.A. Yeah, the weather is nice. The light is good. The ocean is nice. And, In and Out Burgers is good.xo
♥ Braja: Oh, that is so nice. I want to come there and have my heart cared for. That sounds so nice.Merci!xo
Dancing doc design:Thank you so much for sharing your loss of home with me. I am deeply touched by your poignant poetic memories. I am so sorry about the loss of the home that contains so many lovely memories. You painted a beautiful picture that made me want to visit your Vermont home.Hugs to you. xo
Sarah Lulu: Mardel’s comment is a real comfort. I have read it over and over and read it out loud to my weasel and her words read aloud touched me even more.
Thank you for reposting her words and amplifying them with your generous feeling and belief.
xo
Nancy: Thank you for your compliment and for the award. I will be right over!
xo
Lisa: I have never thought of it that way. I am so telling Igor what you said. Yes, Lake Bluff is a dementor. I spent two hours looking for a house in Lake Bluff on Realtor.com today. Masochism much?
It was time, distance and my He-weasel that got me over him. Time: Well, it has been a year. Distance: I have plenty of that. He-weasel: He can do a lot of wonderful things but it is too much for him to fix this. So where do I get the methadone?
xo
Linda:We have had some rain(hooray!)so the smog is washed away. Don’t worry it will come back. I would love our mothers to get together. They could have a narcissism off.
Igor says that part of my pain is that my mother wanted me to move back here and she got what she wanted and I didn’t.
The reason we are here is that it was the place that He-weasel got a job. Happily, transferring in his company is a real possibility. We do like SF. And, we just found out that a position opened there that would be a lateral move for him. We are giving it some thought.
I like all the places you suggested. Paris is unlikely. BC is a favorite but there is the issue of lack of citizenship.But, He-weasel does have family there.
Thank you so much for your comment, your love, kisses. You are very generous!
xo
Hey LBR, I just want to know I *get* it, and empathise. I’ve never really felt I had a home for all sorts of reasons. Its affected me so that I spend my life exploring identity and sense of place to somehow try to reconcile it.
To be honest, I think there will always be a home-shaped hole inside me.
I’ve been thinking of your situation on and off all day, and am so sorry about the dream(s), and your feeling so sad about this. Having said that, I didn’t realise it’s only been a year, and that’s not all that long in the grief process. In fact it’s not much at all, and the one year anniversary is sad, sad, sad.
I know the feeling of waking up from feeling joy in a dream, and having reality hit a moment or two later. It brings everything back, for sure.
The writing you’re doing sounds good and I look forward to the book. In the meantime, sending a biiiig long-distance hug from Sydney.
I heard on the radio the other day some psychologist talking about grief and she said we grieve over more than just the loss of loved ones. We grieve whenever we suffer any dissapointment no matter how small.
And I know exactly what you mean. When I left high school I only wanted to get away from home because I had shall we say an interesting childhood. And I did leave for a while but then, for financial reasons, was forced to return. It was torture but it was also the beginning of a lot of healing. (Writing definitely helped a lot and might have even saved me) Right now I’m living blocks away from le mal pere (we don’t see each other often). But like you, maybe because I’ve moved around so much and have ties to many other places, or because of my childhood, no place really feels like home. Though I wonder if this is a displaced dissatisfaction with myself or because I’m just curious about other places. When traveling I’m always more awake. Going to the corner market to get milk is an adventure. Here I could go to the market in my sleep. Ah well…
It sounds like you’re doing exactly what you need to do to heal yourself. I look forward to reading your novel one day.
Ma belle, I’m so sorry you’re feeling bad.
Life isn’t easy and sometimes we have our downs. Don’t be too hard with yourself.
Maybe you’re missing another “home”……
Hope you’re feeling better, my darling.
Rest and smile. Meditate and feel the Universe.
Love you.
Big hug, lovely you
xoxo
Oh My God, Homesick, I hate that. The virus that never goes away.
Honey, home is also the space in one’s head. I grew up on the road, a lot of moving, and I’ve noticed one thing: home is usually based on the dreams that you believe while you’re there.
Pearl
What is it you want in this place that is home?
Sometimes I wish I was somewhere so that I can experience the experiences in that place, or see the people in that place, speak the language, eat the food.
If you can find a place which fits those criteria which you want (1. far from narcissistic roots 2. not LA 3. whatever else you’d like) that maybe you can call that home? In the end we are all on the same ground, on the same earth and things like names and addresses are just made-up nonsense.
I can appreciate your feelings. I grew up in Lake Bluff. I’ve lived many places since then (some good, some awful) and live now in Portland, OR, but Lake Bluff has always remained the epitome of “hometown” to me. I know I’ll never live there again, but I’m okay with that because I also know I wouldn’t have met my husband or have enjoyed all the the adventures I’ve had if I had stayed there. (I still drive through town and look at the old house, though, when I visit my siblings in Chicago!!)
I’ve read throughthis two times and am puzzled… who “ejected you from Eden”? Did you, as a couple not make the choice to move?
I hope you find a comfortable and comforting home.
It sounds like your writing is still stirring up a lot of issues for you and thats both good and bad. Its hard to let go of dreams and it really sounds like you don't have 'closure' (sorry for that word but its the best one I had) over moving from the dreams of Lake Bluff.
You are in a different and productive place in your life now but it sounds like your inner self still hasn't caught up with where that is, inner self is still hanging around Lake Bluff!
The past is a safe place where everything is written, the future is scary and anything could happen.
You have created a beautiful marriage and little family with he-weasel & Lily – thats home.
Now lets Tango!!
My nightmares are vivid like yours. But it’s just a natural way for your brain to take out the trash, so to speak…
I think you are super brave and honest about your experience moving to LA from Lake Bluff, and that has enabled you to cope better. Keep up the awesome work, darling!
xoxox,
CC
the ross mcdonald quote is wicked and funny. i fled l.a. as soon as i could, so you truly have my sympathy.
finding “home” is tricky. we’ll move with you as many times as necessary until you find it.
it’s wonderful that you have these strong feelings – your writing will be 10x better for it.
Michelle: I wonder if I will ever feel at home. I think it is unlikely as I never felt at home with my family. I too may always have a home-shaped hole inside me.xo
Carolyn: I think because it is the one year anniversary that I feel the loss so profoundly.
I am dreading sleep as I don’t more Lake Bluff dreams. Enough already!:-)
Thank you for the hugs and understanding. xo
Cheryl: Ooh, an interesting childhood? I feel you on that. I do think that the time here in LA is forcing me to deal with some issues that I might not have otherwise and it has absolutely changed my writing and inspired it.
I cannot imagine living blocks from my Mal Mer. I feel a little sick even thinking about living as close as you do to yours. You clearly have done a lot of work to get to this point.
I suppose that there are gifts that come with not having strong roots to one place. I do enjoy traveling and imagining what it would be like to have different places as a home and how that place would change me.
I so appreciate you sharing your home story.
xo
Seeker: I know there is no place like home and yet I am not sure what I know what it even like to feel at home.
Love you, too.
xo
Donna: I hope that someday I find a cure.
xo
Pearl: Fantastic point. I think I had some big dreams in Lake Bluff. Now I am low on dreams. Interesting….
xo
Pretty face: I want to feel like I want to commit to a place. I want to feel happy to come back there. I want to feel like my people are there. I also want there to be lots of trees, water and I want to feel SAFE.
I do want to be far from narcissistic roots, traumatic memories, and my mother. Any ideas on where that would be?
xo
Beth: You are a Bluffer???? So exciting!! Did you go to Lake Forest High?We lived on the parade route and it was a hoot. I, as you can tell, really miss it. He-weasel loves Oregon. He would love to live in Portland or Corvallis.
xo
Duchesse;Fate did. The company He-weasel worked for went out of business with no notice and they owed us MONEY. It was BAD. So, we had to go where the job was. There was no choice to stay. Also, our childlessness did a lot to eject us from Lake Bluff being a HOME( in the spiritual sense) for us.
Thank you.xo
Cybill: The writing has brought up a tsunami of emotions and that is great for the writing and it has been hard for me. I am holding on tight as I write.
You are right, I don’t have closure. I think that writing it out will help as will moving away from L.A.
Inner self is still in a snit that I didn’t get to have my dreams come true. I wish I could crawl back through a portal into my old life. I miss having hope that my dream may come true. It was nice.
Tango? Yes, lets Tango.
xo
Couture Carrie: But what if I want to hold onto the trash?
Thank you,for telling me you think I am coping well. I sometimes I feel like a hot mess and that I should be over it by now. When I feel like I am not coping well I will remind myself that you think I am. It helps to have my grief normalized, thank you!!
xo
March 8, 2009 7:13 AM
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up and down town: Isn’t it good? I just don’t get what people love L.A. I think it is like Caviar, you either like it or you don’t. Ambivalence about L.A. is unusual.
Thank you for your willingness to move with me. You have moved with me 5x’s. I hope that you will be with me the next 5.
Oh, my feelings are strong and they are STRONGER in my writing. It is almost scary how strong they show up in the novel.
xo
I am another who appreciates how you feel as I also grew up in Lake Bluff, and moved at the beginning of high school to a very different sort of place. I did recover in time, and have lived in several different places since. It can take time to find community, but it does or can. In the suburb of Boston that I in live now (which is the longest place that I have ever lived) I have actually found many transplanted mid-westerners. It’s interesting how comfortable they can be to be around. I don’t know that much about Valencia, however the last time that I was in LA, I visited some places that really surprised me with trees, green, nice places to walk/hike. Maybe you should seek out some of those places.
My mother still lives in the town that we moved away to. While she’s been there, a couple transplanted from Lake Bluff became two of her best friends. You never know what you’ll find.
Penny in the east: I am so excited to meet a few former Lake Bluff residents here. It is such a small town that I am a bit surprised that there are so many of us here.
Boston has been in my list of fantasy places. But, the weather may be more than my He-weasel can take. I really do like Midwesterners. I am not really one of you but I wish that I was.
Pasadena, San Marino and a few other places have that same Northshore vibe. I do wish we had settled there but we chose to live close to He-weasels work. I do miss the trees, the green and all the lushness of it. Areas that are considered beautiful here are often tree-free and I just cannot see beauty if there are no trees. I am a tree lover.
I can’t thank you enough for leaving your comment. It is lovely to meet you.:-)
Rochelle:Narcissists are not well qualified, in my mind, for the tasks of parenting. Parenting involved a lot of selflessness and my mother is most certainly not capable of that. I am so sorry you too have had this kind of parent. It really does suck.
Thanks, Rochelle, I so appreciate your understanding.
Ah, the parade! One of my strongest childhood memories! We lived on Scranton Avenue. There are neighborhoods here in Portland, Irvington and Eastmoreland, that remind me in part of Lake Bluff with the streets lined with big old trees. I couldn’t imagine living somewhere without big old elms or maples or even oaks.
My older brothers went to Lake Forest High, but we moved out to Libertyville, an area now called Green Oaks now, before I reached that age. But I still muse about Lake Bluff. I even collect memorabilia with the little bandstand on it!
Beth: We were neighbors( well, I imagine you were gone when we were there). I absolutely know the Green Oaks area of Libertyville, it is right on the edge of Lake Forest. My mother grew up in Eastmoreland( I have never seen that area of Portland).My stepsister lives in Irvington in Portland in an old consulate house and that area does remind me of Forest and Bluff. That is except there is no lake in walking distance.
I am living in a place with no old growth trees and I tell you that it makes me heart sick to be without them. I knew I loved trees but I never knew how much until I cam back to L.A.
It was so great to have the parade go by our house. We, like everyone, would have a party on our yard starting at 7:30 a.m. Aaaah, those were the days.
xo
Thankfully I don’t know what it’s like to have a narcissist for a parent, but I sympathize with you. Places can hold such incredibly strong memories and I’m suffering from a similar feeling in my current location. It’s awful.
Hello! I know you must receive a billion of these things, but I have passed a bloggy-love award on to you.
And, oops, left that comment on the wrong post. It seems completely inappropriate on this one, sorry. My situation is very different from yours, I know, but I can at least relate to feeling displaced and grieving for somewhere you’ve lost, since my family was forced to leave Zimbabwe. So, no wise advice, but lots of empathy.
you so nailed that feeling upon awakening of a clear head that doesn’t remember its heart was broken.