….and I am not at all happy about this. I don’t care much about getting older as long as I can afford Botox and hair colour—-it is not so much the visible signs of aging that get to me but more that I am not able to live out a birthday ritual that I have had going since I was 10 years old. Every year on my birthday I buy a legal pad and I write a list of what I have accomplished that year:
1. Kissed a boy
2. Got an A in Spanish
3. I collected all flavors of Bonnie Bell Lip Balm
4. Finished third year of dance class at Karen Ketterer School of Ballet
5. Have new BBF
6. Got the chicken pox on purpose
7. I went to a shrink for the first time and I hate her and she is stupid and she just doesn’t get it.
As I got older the lists got more impressive:
1. Got into college
2. Failed algebra
3. Learned 50% of words in Taber’s Medical Dictionary
4. Got a job working for a pediatric neurologist
5. Broke up with shit for brains boyfriend
6. Wrote a short story
Once I review everything I accomplished the previous year then I at exactly 9:20 a.m. pacific time( the time of my birth) I sit on a bench at Palos Verdes beach and plan what my life will be in the next 365 days. Every year I have done this ritual I have sincerely and earnestly believed that I could make the next year would be whatever I wanted it to be if I worked hard enough at making it happen. I still have the notebook I wrote out in 2001 and almost everything I wrote out as goals for the year came true. I did get into grad school. I did get only A’s. I did get a fantastic internship where I loved working there and they love me working there” ( an exact quote from the 2001 birthday notebook). I did read all assigned reading and everything on the suggests reading list. I did walk a half marathon and I did have one of the happiest years of my life.
Well, tomorrow I should drive out to the beach at Palos Verdes and write out the f’n list of everything I accomplished this year but just the idea of that makes me feel like I need a Peptobismo cocktail. What did I accomplish this year? Pardon me, I need another shot of Pepto with a Tums chaser.
Okay, this year I:
1. I survived Austin
2. I survived Inkey dying
3. I survived being hit on by a family member
4. I went on Vitamin W
5. I lost many friends that I no longer have a single thing in common with because: 1) I am not and never will be a mother and b) I will no longer give away my work for free to them and hence I am down 6 friends this year. Woo-hooo! What an accomplishment.
6. I made a lot of lovely blogger friends who don’t seem to care if I am not a mother and that I won’t practice my craft on them for free and I feel lucky to have real friends that I have real things in common with, so that is good.
7. I am in therapy with Igor.
8. I wrote a crappy non-fiction book and had it rejected
9. I wrote 24 pages of a crap fiction book.
11. I survived moving to Valencia
12. I completely lost my faith and hope in any kind of benevolent force
13. I got my Prius
14. And, most importantly, I got Lily and have learned to train her
That’s it. That is what this year was and now it is over.
But for the next year I can come up with nothing to put on the list, there is nothing that I care if it happens or not. Yeah, we are going to Paris but I don’t really care( I know that is shocking) and yeah I am writing the crap novel and I don’t really care about it either. I think all the hope, desire and expectation I have had in last years has been crushed by disappointment, loss, trauma and harsh reality and so I just don’t dare to fully invest in a desire.
Yeah, I would like stuff for my birthday. Here is a list for you last minute shoppers:
1. I would like to have hope.
2. I would like to believe that someday we will move out of L.A. and find a real home.
3. I would like to lose 20 pounds without any effort or sacrifice on my part.
4. I would like a Canon Digital Rebel XSi 12.2 MP Digital SLR Camera with EF-S 18-55mm f/3.5-5.6 IS Lens (Black).
5. I would like to trade in depression, anxiety and despair for boredom, fatigue and indifference.
6. A really good chocolate cake.
7. A cave with comfortable interiors and an inability to give or receive telephone calls from.
8. My student loans paid off in full.
9. Peace.
I might get the cake, everything else is more of a dream. I can’t write anything on the yellow legal pad that I don’t believe can happen. I just can’t. It would be breaking the rules. But cake will make it to the legal pad.
So I shouldn’t wish you bonne anniversaire?
For the new #5, how about a nice mix of the six? I can vouch that it’s quite a heady cocktail.
You know, given all the unwarranted compliments you’ve bestowed on my putrescent prose, how about you give us a snippet of that fiction before you condemn it to eternally burn in the lake of Danielle Steele and Glenn Beck.
As for #12, the cosmos IS quite indifferent. Don’t let anyone persuade you otherwise. Once you accept that, boredom, fatigue and indifference can be yours!
We’re still ready to torch and pitchfork that rejection chump if need be.
Oh, bonne anniversaire.
Belette – You may think I’m crazy, but I think you’re in a good place now, or at least the start of one. You’re able jump on new opportunities (like your novel) and you seem to be open to having wonderful new adventures in your life (like Lily, Paris). I’m certain that you’re on the cusp of a very good year. Happy Birthday, La Belette!
Dear Belette,
I hope you have a better birthday than you think it will be when you wrote this post.
Here are my birthday wishes for you
1. Kiss a boy (preferably He-Weasel), kiss a girl (preferably Lily)
2. Practice your French in Paris
3. Enjoy your new blogger BFFs
4. Write a short story, maybe even a novel – and I don’t believe it’s going to be crap, otherwise I wouldn’t bother reading all your blog posts
5. Train Lily to do more tricks
6. Meet more fabulous blogger friends who don’t care about your parental status
7. Have more amazing therapy revelations with Igor
8. Use these amazing revelations in a moving and hilarious novel.
9. Just love Lily and He-Weasel and appreciate just how lucky you are to have them.
10. Keep writing your fabulous blog
If I were there I would bake you a cake. I bet He Weasel would love to buy you that Canon. I think your list shows what a resilient and tough woman you are. You my dear have accomplished a lot whether you know it or not.
I will still say Happy Birthday to Belette!
oh have a great b-day.
Happy birthday? Oh, Happy Birthday!! Dammit. Just put on the list…
1. cake
2. something good will happen
I think that should do it. Hope is kind of an illusion, if you think about it.
So you will have hope.
And you will move out of LA (Not too sure I”m happy about this)
And you will lose weight thanks to a medical breakthrough in medicine: They will discover that after a certain quantity of chocolate cake ingestion, calories begin to burn THEMSELVES!
Of course you will get this camera, Telephone calls will be abolished by law, so will paying off student loans.
As to all the ugly feelings, this year you will learn that they never go away completely and they are a bit like owning lions. You can never turn your back on them EVER or they eat you raw. You need to watch them at all time (which you are) and tame them little by little,
Okay, and you can have peace too.
Happy Birthday girl!
Oh, and I’m writing this to you at 6 am and in the grips off morning anxiety. I’m so frigging evolved am i not?
Oh poppet. Somewhere this next year, imperceptibly, hope and optimism will sneak back in. I am sure of it. And I care that you are coming to Paris, because I am coming with you and we are going to eat giant Isaphans at Ladurée. With a kir royale each. And play with our dogs. Mine will behave like the peabrained asshole he is, but no matter.
Joyeux anniversaire quand même. Bises.
Life is hard. Your list for the prior year is impressive BECAUSE life is hard and you survived a lot. You will go on and other years will be better.
Not caring is good in a lot of ways. Caring too much makes us irrational, but being able to back away and say “this piece of writing wasn’t my best, but it was good practice, I learned something useful, and the next piece will be better” without being heartbroken is pretty darn useful.
Happy Birthday. Bask in Lily’s love and show yourself the love and compassion (and give yourself the break) that you deserve. You’ve earned it – but you deserve it anyway. We all deserve kindness from ourselves, but don’t often give it.
After deep DEEP disapointments one does tend to feel like there is nothing to look forward to. Because all your mental images of the things you really wanted (baby and book published as an example) were taken away from you. It’s different if it’s YOUR choice but to have choices taken, that sucks.
I have had several devasting things happen to me. Things that were beyond my control. (Breast cancer twice) When the proverbial floor of our snug reality is yanked away, you feel lost. But you do recover. Because strong people with good outlooks bounce back…eventually. And you are a witty, strong woman who is also a fantastic writer. You have many good things in your life and you will enjoy and make new goals soon. Believe me.
And look, you have so many folowers. If you wrote dribble, would they stop in and read what you have to say?
Cheers La Belette! Grab that piece of chocolate cake, get the new camera and take beautiful photos, continue to write because you were meant to. And you are good.
Happy Birthday.
So sorry your birthday has got you down and the idea of your tradition has you feeling all icky…BUT as a PV native, might I suggest that you take the trip out to the beach anyway and just take some deep breaths of that ocean air and take in some of the sublime views for me? Even if you leave all the reflection and list-making behind, there is something healing about being on a PV cliff that might make you feel better?
{{{HUGS}}}} and happy birthday quand même
Dear Belette
Birthday Greetings from London. I would have loved to meet you in Paris in May.
Am going there next week and wish I could say I was excited but my mood mirrors yours.
Have been in self-distruct mode so obliterated my blog. Will try again soon when I have something to say for myself.
Please practise some affirmations.
love
TPR (the ex-files)
I wonder if one of these years, your “next year’s list” might include letting go of the list-making. I wonder what Igor says about the lifelong habit of self-evaluation. From one goal-setter to another, there’s a time to just let oneself be, at least a bit — goal-setting is good, but you seem committed to very stern self-measurement, and I know that can get exhausting.
We bloggers think you’re great, just as you are, and he-weasel and Lily obviously do as well. We are a benevolent force willing you to buy that camera — you should believe in us!
So happy birthday to a wonderful red weasel and here’s a raised glass to the many, many stunning photos you’ll soon be showing us of a very sweet Lily at the Louvre, on the ponts, shopping the Marais, daintily nibbling macarons at Ladurée . . .
Randal: Happiness?Kierkegaard believed that happiness and despair often coexist so go ahead, wish me a bonne anniversaire.
When I explained to Igor how bad the book is he went straight to the anal interpretation. It sounds like you are talking about making shit and that if I saw this “shit” you are writing I would have to go wash my hands. He is right. My book in its present state is total and absolutely shit. One day it may be turned into something else but I promise with no hyperbole if you saw what I had of the novel you would beg me to pursue a career as a ticket taker at the cinema.
If it was as good as Steele and Beck I would happily share it with you however since it is not I will quietly and privately get on with the gnashing of teeth and wearing of hopsack and ashes.
I have learned absolutely in the last three years( and actually further back than that) that the cosmos doesn’t give a rats ass. Happily I have you and Kierkegaard to remind me that “anxiety is the dizziness of freedom.” Le sigh.
Randal: p.s. If you read what I have now I fear that the pitchfork and torches would be turned to my book. But, still, keep them handy I may need them.
Deja: I thank you for your good thoughts. Your belief paired with some chocolate cake and some champagne may be as much celebrating as I require. I sincerely appreciate your belief in me. Merci!
my dear little belette, might I suggest as #1, you stop getting up so early…my goodness, heweasel can take lily out to pee and go to the beach a little later, AFTER YOU OPEN YOUR PRESENT WHICH WILL BE A CAMERA…sorry about those caps, it’s early and they got stuck BUT I also wanted to emphasize, since I am not there to grab your petite shoulders and shake you, that change is good as is age as it brings wisdom!
ok, now I have some advice for you…there is a teaching in Buddhism that essentially says-hold on, it’s a biggie-No Hope, No Fear, No Doubt. Actually that is from my deceased and beloved Buddhist master and those few words are my gift to you.
Pondering this, you will realize that list making is pointless as there is also no past nor future only NOW. Make the most of it, in other words and forget about lists of past and future regrets. They are coming from fear, hope and doubt. Just keep in the Now as best you can, focus on what is good in your life, which , goes without saying, the little white poochie of love, husband seems good and your camera which you will buy for yourself so as to have no expectation thus no disappointment!!! With this philosophy, which does take awhile to master, but that’s fine, just think about it now and then without the legal pad-or if you MUST do the pad thing-write down all the things you have no hope of and no fear of and absolutely no doubt about. that’s all…
remember who YOU are and how you came to be YOU, love YOU, be happy just for YOU without expectations on top of YOU….have this year be a year of NO expectations thus disappointment or fear of failure, it will be a nice vacation from living such a strenuously strict value system, don’t you think…ah well, it’s early for me and I may be prattling on for no reason other than I care about you…ALOT… but there is one thing that is very important I want to say…..I am thrilled we met, I am your BFF and my wish for you is to have a good day, with peace and contentment and good food and lots of lily licks. That should about do it! The rest is cake….EAT ALL OF IT WITH ICE CREAM! The bullshit of age, botox and weight fixation can be a bitter master….Enjoy! You are going to Paris in the Springtime with people who love you. Stay focused on what is important for La Belette. Your health is right up there at the top. As is your peace of mind, free of stress of imagined expectations and deadlines. Let it all evaporate this year so you can emerge disentangled from inevitable disappointments…and the high cost of botox, restalyn, and the rest of the nonsense, imho. take that money and buy a new wardrobe with shoes. and hats for the sun, many hats…and of course, sunglasses…Chanel has a nice pair, I see.(not intended as a pun)
Happy Birthday, My dear, and do forgive this rambling tirade..I am old and have not had my tea because my Heweasel went to the Apple store. And he is buying me another blue bird house AND, this is the best part, HE is dropping off my mother’s pj’s I had to buy her, NOT ME!!!!!!!!!!! I digress….we must exchange phone numbers or have a weekend…you do know we are not that far apart don’t you? well, I need to get that tea made so know I love you.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
Happy birthday, La Belette!
I was never a list maker, one of my big problems, but I can say I totally agree w/Carlene. Hope is heady stuff, and you deserve to indulge in a little for your birthday.
This awes me: “I collected all flavors Bonnie Bell Lip Balm.” You lucky bitch!
As for this one: “I would like to trade in depression, anxiety and despair for boredom, fatigue and indifference.” — I already have. Please try to keep up.
Happy birthday anyway! Hey, write down “WendyB will visit me ASAP” for this year and maybe I will be able to get the hell out of New York for a bit.
Crap Bel, if I put that kind of pressure on myself every birthday, I’d be even more of a wreck than I already am! Here’s what all the cool kids are doing on their birthday: Going out for awesome meals, breakfast, lunch and dinner, buying a new treat at a fave store (lingerie, jeans etc.), having sex twice, drinking a bottle of your fave $$$ wine, chatting with a friend who tells you she’s happy you were born and getting a massage.
No doubt, lots of friends will tell you that tomorrow, but maybe I can beat the trend by a day. Your mother did right by the world in having you. That’s enough, right?
Joyeux Anniversaire, ma bel!
I love your ritual. I may copy you. I went to high school in PV – so another thing we have in common. I really hope to meet you one day and find out all the other things we must have in common.
Gros bisous.
I would write on your list
1)To luxuriate and bask in the love of your husband.
This may not necessarily be a new achievement but sometimes a little revisiting can go a long way.
2) Send draft of previously rejected book to some publishers in London.
May sound strange but you know how many rejections J.K Rowling endured.
3) Power walk Lily once a day.
That way you can spoil her and trim the waist line.
I agree with Deja Pseu you have recently sounded so upbeat, and how can you not look forward to seeing Belgian Waffle’s dog dressed as a dinosaur? I would pay to see him in Ladurée like that!
“Pants” I forgot to say, Hippo Birdie two Ewes.
I may now have to toast your happy day with something fizzy, hey someone has to enjoy it!
Damn, girl, try to let go of the list! It seems to be causing you to make some unreasonable expectations of yourself.
Enjoy the day, try to be kind to yourself, and focus on what’s good in your life. 6 real friends is a lot, you have he weasel, and the best doggie ever is in your life!
Happy birthday and I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.
Well, a Happy Birthday to you, anyway, for tomorrow! We all think you’re fabulous — a marvelous writer, a loving human being, a wicked wit. You enrich the lives of those around you (whether in person or virtually) and we’re damn glad of that.
Hope you enjoy your day in the very best way you can. You deserve it.
x e
Dear Imogen: Thank you for your lovely wishes they fit perfectly and are the perfect colour. How did you know?
1.Will do
2. Will try
3. I am
4. My worst blog post is 100x’s better than one sentence of the novel and yet I persevere.
5. We are working on a big one.
6. It is so nice to have people who like me anyways.
7. He is annoyingly good. I thought again yesterday about quitting. That proves how good he it.
8. I hope I can.
9. I do and I am.
10.Thank you, you are too kind!!!
Oh Happy Birthday! Just go and buy yourself (as a birthday present) the camera and then stop by a wonderful bakery and buy the biggest and juiciest darn chocolate cake.
My birthday present this year for myself was a Nikon D80 with an 18/200mm len. The best present ever.
Julianne: Lots of frosting please( don’t tell anyone that I prefer the frosting to the cake). My camera is toooo slow to catch all of Lily’s brilliant poses. So, it isn’t so much a gift for me but for capturing Lily’s puppyhood.
Savvy Mode SG: Thanks sweets!
Carlene: That is a list I can live with. Cake and at least one good thing has to happen in 365 days. Doesn’t it?
Igor says that hope is masochistic or as John Cleese said,”Despair I can cope with it’s hope I can’t stand”. I have been hoping for years and all it has led to is heartbreak.
I wish you a wonderful day, and I love your list-making abilities.
Have a decadent piece of cake {or a whole one for that matter} and spend the day with those you love and who love you back without strings attached.
I am with SoLovely. If you do nothing else tomorrow, get yourself some cake and buy that camera. The cake and the camera will be bright spots for you, and you can mark the start of a year of good things with the photos you start taking now.
The cake, well–I am a firm believer in the healing power of cake. Hop a plane out to the other coast, and I’ll whip up a red velvet cake for you.
Seriously, I do wish I could just hug you and tell you you are entitled to being pissed at the universe for awhile. I’d swear up a storm with you and curse the unfairness–because, fuck it, it is unfair that you’ve been handed a raw deal in too many areas of your life the past few years.
That said, and all swearing and ‘woo-wooness” aside, I think you are also entitled to receive some greatness from life–look how much you put out into the world!–and I feel sure that is going to happen soon.
love to you, dear belle.
Kirie
Corine:I have to say that I don’t have hope that we will move out of L.A.My new theory is that if I want something I don’t get it and if I don’t want something I do get it.
I haven’t seen you in forever and we have to fix that. I hope that my theory does not apply to seeing you.
I am hoping that medical breakthrough comes through quickly and I hope that it turns out that one needs to eat a whole cake on a daily basis
I like your version of the world. I hope you are right about everything!!!
And, OMG!!! Yes, I absolutely LOVE your metaphor about the ugly feelings and owning lions. You, mon amie, are brilliant!!!
I usually save my anxiety for evenings. Morning anxiety? I feel for you. I can’t imagine what it is like to start your day with it. I usually start with total denial and then move into depression by lunch and then into anxiety by dinner.
Jaywalker: You think?
I feel sure that Lily will fall in love with your puppy. I am sure of it!!!!
Marla:2009 is much better than 2008 and yet I am clearly feeling some PTSD because of the last years. I am expecting for things to go bad and just waiting for it.
Lily love is easy and life is hard. I am trying for self kindness. I am much better at dog training than I am at self kindness.;-)
Pierce: Thank you for getting it. I am actaully sorry you get it. I wish everyone got what they wanted and never knew any pain. I really do and yet I know that is not how life happens.
There are days that I feel strong just for surviving and there are other days when I feel a total hot mess. I am not at the point that I can believe in much good happening and that is okay but it is very nice to have lovely people believe it for me until I can.
I do have to admit that the blog is better than the novel. I know that. I also know that what I am writing for the novel is so rough that I wouldn’t even call it a rough draft. It is just rough.
Thank you for your sweet and chocolatey wishes and your wise advice. I am so want the camera and the cake. It is nice to want something and I do want those two things and I believe I can have them.
Thanks again for your very kind compliments. I am touched!:-)
Oh. my. reading what your friends are writing after reading your post? I hope you know how wonderful your blogosphere world is… There is so much kindness and wisdom here… I cannot add to it except to say about that #5? If all you wanted to feel were fatigue, boredom and indifference? There would be no more purpose…. And at the risk of seeming judgemental? That would not be good!
Goals are fine in certain circumstances, but not ALWAYS!!!!!
Hugs and kisses and please eat some cake with lots of frosting for me?
KEF: I do love the cliffs of PV. I have lots of good memories of abalone cove. Remember when there was actual abalone there?? I am not sure I can go to the cliffs of PV on pi day( 3/14) without a legal pad and doing a life review. I will give it some thought and see if I can manage it.
Merci for the hugs and birthday wishes.
Twin palms road:It would have been lovely to meet you. Maybe next time. I am so sorry you share my mood. Not a mood worth sharing. I’ll send you some virtual cake.
You obliterated your blog? Oh sweetheart!!! I am so sorry. Hugs to you.
Materfamilias: Ooh, I wonder if I could ever do that. I am so addicted to introspection. I don’t know if I could do it. I will take your wise question to Igor and see what he has to say. Mater, yesterday I fought Igor like CRAZY. I was indignant and a fierce weasel when yesterday he said, in his own words, that I am committed to very stern self-measurement. But now that you said it I cannot help but soften and say that you were right even if he wasn’t.;-)
I do believe in you, Lily and He-weasel. I do. It is the larger benevolent “everything works out for the best” force that I have given up on.
Thank you, Mater. Thank you for your wisdom, dear friendship and support. Merci.
Oh, and, I do have a Lily in Paris project that has inspired the camera love. I’ll tell more about that soon.
Linda: I don’t really get up at 4:00 Am. Have I fooled you? No, I get up at 7 a.m. I just do auto-posts.
Would you email He-weasel and tell him what your brilliant plan for my big day should be. I think he will listen to you, especially if you use all caps.
No hope I can manage. I have that down. Fear and doubt? Nope, no can do. I am an expert and authority on fear and doubt.
I do know that my fear and doubt and pain comes from reviewing the past and worrying about the future—but I seem addicted to it and unable to stop reviewing the hell of the past. The little white poochie of love and husband are great ways to get into the now.
I am going to take your suggestions and write down all the things I have no hope of and no fear of and no doubt about.It is going to be a short list.
I do think that the gift/curse of being stripped of hope is that I really want nothing because if I do want I am sure to suffer. The hard piece is that I don’t know how to live without hopes or goals. I just simply do not know how to do it.
I too am thrilled we met, I am happy to count you as one of my BFF . Thank you for sharing your wisdom, wishes, and wise council. If I could drop the anxiety about age, botox and weight I would do it in a second. How do you manage it? I like your suggestion. A new wardrobe with shoes, hats and sunglasses.
Yes, lets exchange numbers and meet soon. I would love that!!! Love you too.xo
fashion herald: lists can be a burden and a constant reminder than you have more to do. Be happy you don’t keep them.
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
WendyB:I did have an enviable collection of Bonnie Belle. I would have let you borrow them. I was cool like that.;-)
I am doing my best to catch up with you. And, I have added your visit to my next year. So get out here!!!!
K.Line : So, the cool kids are not doing massive and self-tortious inventories on their birthday? I have been doing it wrong all these years? I can arrange going out for a good meal, buying a treat, and the sex is easily arranged. I have some good champagne just waiting to be drunk. I could really use a massage.
Thank you so much for setting me strait and for being glad that I was born.:-)
Happy Birthday! Here is my birthday gift to you which will hopefully help you with number three on your list, lose 20 lbs without trying: I read an article in Oprah magazine about an experiment where women did nothing to their diet or exercise routine but did get a full night’s sleep for a certain period. And lo and behold all the women lost an average of 7 to 15 pounds. Sorry I can’t remember if it’s this or last month’s issue.
And as for your ‘crappy’ book being rejected, I don’t know how crappy it can be when I and so many people enjoy reading all your posts. You have a unique voice that needs to be expressed. Don’t be so hard on yourself.
As for boredom and indifference, (not looking forward to Paris!) oh, I’ve been there too. It’s not a pleasant place to be.
Birthdays certainly stir up a world of emotion. Many of my friends have had big ones lately and they are like emotional tornadoes unable to settle down until the emotions burn themselves away. And I am trying to avoid becoming a tornado myself later this year when I run into the (traumatic) birthday. Luckily two of my friends are meeting the same fate and have agreed to go through it with me in Paris. We’re not looking forward to the birthday part but we can’t wait to go to Paris. It’s just a number anyway.
Try telling yourself this is a phase which will pass because, I suspect, your true nature is to enjoy and experience life as much as possible.
Oh, I can so see you in a few years, your books are best sellers, you’re going on book tours around the world and people line up around the block to get a glimpse of you, your student loans are paid off in full, life is too good and you wake up eager for another day with He-Weasil and Lily. Happy birthday.
Frenchee Le Trip: Merci! I used to love my ritual. I looked forward to it. And, I actually missed it when I lived in Chicago.
Wow! You are from PVE?! So cool!:-)
nine years ago today I almost died birthing charmant. tonight I will drink a toast to him and you at midnight. may you meet him someday and have hope again.
Indigo16:
I am adding your items to my list.
1)I do know how lucky I am and yet I should and could appreciate it even more. Thanks for the reminder.
2)I could be wrong but I think you do have to have an agent before you can send to a publisher. Am I wrong?
3)Lily does no walking but power-walking. That girl LOVES to walk.
I have been doing well until I started writing the novel and messed my Vitamin W and then the crashing began. Novel writing is indeed hellish. I had no idea.
P.S. I LOVE your bday greeting and by all means have a fizzy drink on my behalf.
Happy Birthday, lovely La Belette Rouge. Miss J wishes you chocoalte cake and brighter days ahead.
p.s. I didn’t mean ‘hope’ for parenthood. just hope in general.
Nancy: Did Igor pay you all to see that I have unreasonable expectations?;-)
I do have lovely bloggy friends, a fantastic husband and a gorgeous dog and those are all wonderful things that I am lucky to have.
Expateek: Thank you!! You are soooo nice. Your compliments are too kind.
I will do my best to have a good bday!
So Lovely: I know nothing about cameras or photography but I am trying to fix that. I now have the Cannon point and shoot that Maria Sharapova advertises. I need a faster camer for Lily shots. Now you have me curious about the Nikon D80. I must go read reviews.
Kaili: Thank you! I love a list. Lists give me the illusion of control.
I will have several pieces of cake and be with my weasel and Lily( yes there is a leash attached but that is fine by me.;-)
Kirie: I got another bright spot. I just got a birthday box that the concierge brought up to me. Can I open it now or do I have to wait until tomorrow?
I have never had a red velvet cake, ever. I usually go German chocolate, double chocolate or chocolate with coconut frosting.
I wish you were here and I am so happy to have you as a friend. I am a lucky weasel in that regard. I wish you could pop over and we could shout, curse and kick rocks at the unfairness.
I so hope you are right. I am feeling a bit defeated and down, as I told you, the book writing is getting to me and I feel lower than a snakes hips.
I love the idea of keeping a list of accomplishments and plans. Though I can see it as a tool for bashing myself mercilessly.
For your birthday, I will wish you the camera (and I suffer from serious camera envy), the cake, will split my phentermine with you for that effortless weightloss wish. And if I ever come up with the magic to pay off student loans, you’ll be one of the first to know.
Happy Birthday in any way you wish to spend it, my darling friend.
*smooches*
Giggles: I do know that I am crazy LUCKY when it comes tot he readers of my blog. I have the best, most supportive, most loving and encouraging blog readers in the entire blogosphere.
Fatigue, boredom and indifference are a step up from where I am. Progress, right?
I couldn’t come up with a goal to save my life right now and maybe that is a good thing. I am sick of goals and yet I don’t know what to do with out them.
I will eat cake in your honour with an extra scoop of frosting.;-)
Cheryl: Do you think the weight loss will occur if I take Ambien to get to sleep? I sure hope so as that is the only possible way I can get eight hours of sleep.
I thank you for reading my blog. It means more to me than you know and having a lovely community of bloggers has gotten me through some really rough times.
When even Paris doesn’t sound exciting you know you are in a dark place. I don’t think ti is my age that is getting to me but rather being at the point when there is no hope for anything different in my life—that is the hard place to be.
Thank you for sharing your vision for the future it is much better than mine. You are very kind to see a vision like that for me.
Big hugs.
~Tessa~: We share the same birthday? How fun! Tell him happy birthday for me.
Miss Janey: Thank you, sweets.
Lisa: Lists of accomplishments are a double edged tool. Sometimes they help me feel better and other times I use them to poke myself in th gut with. The first use is better than the later.
I’ll let you borrow the camera and give you a slice of cake if you share the phentermine with me. Yes, and, work on the student loan magic. Damn, I owe lots of money to Sallie Mae. I hate that Bitch.;-)
Thank you for the birthday wishes!:-)
Derfina: MErci!:-)
No. 8 – I KNOW you can!
Happy Birthday – enjoy your cake.
xxxooo pbc
Imogen: You are such an incredible and encouraging friend. xo
My friend V. takes Ambien every weekend. It’s supposed to be non addictive but she’s not taking chances. She, I think, has not had a good night sleep in decades. Whether it’s helping her lose weight or not, well, since she had the g. p. surgery months ago, we may never know. I would definitely ask my doctor before trying it though.
You’re feelings, I cannot possibly understand fully, but oh boy, a trance medium renewed my hope for children a few years ago (when I was pretending not to care about such things). He set it full ablaze with fireworks, really. And I am still in the place of full hope and belief. But every once on a while I wonder… the despair of disappointment would be too overwhelming. How would I cope? I don’t know. I’d probably adopt a dozen kids (and maybe I will anyway) but still…If this is what you are feeling then definitely don’t ‘try’ to change your feelings. It’s a process you have to go through. It’s happening for a reason. And hopefully somewhere along the way you’ll see new possibilities, something that makes you feel excited. But I think its great how even as low as you feel now there’s all these people supporting, commiserating and laughing with you. now i see you eating chocolate cake and thinking every bite is making me thinner, every bite is making me thinner…because chocolate is too good to do otherwise.
Bonne anniversaire, bonne anniversaire, bonne anniversaire ……….. with sound – this would be even better – lots of woofs from Clive!
Darling Belle – My best love and hugs to you on your Birthday xxx
In case you hadn’t heard, can I just tell that beautiful Braja, her husband and driver, have been in an accident on their way to the airport in Kolkata to catch her flight to NZ.
LadyFi is co-ordinating updates, so too one of Braja’s community via her blog, and also directly here http://www.prabhupada.org/rama/?p=4422
Blessings Belle, and I am sorry to be the bearer, so to speak, and yet we are all united in love and positive thoughts for Braja’s, Jahnu’s and their driver’s fast recovery… Lots of love, Fhi x
I am so sorry you are feeling hopeless right now. I understand your frustration…completely.
It IS pretty darn impressive that you have lived through all of that in one year…and are still here celebrating your birthday. and you got the best brithday present…Lily!
I wish you a HAPPY birthday full of hope! ; )
What a lists LB! Patience is boring and quite unglamorous but a highly necessary virtue. We might not think anything is changing in our life, but if we’re patiently persistent, we’d see change…hopefully a better change. I wish you peace+hope+joy in the nearest horizon dear! ~XO*
And I want a slice of chocolate cake!!!!
Will be back to celebrate!!!
Big hug
xoxo
Happy Birthday.
I’m sorry your dreams have not worked out the way that they played out in your mind.
I like who you are so much.
We’ve only just met and I live in Australia.
In my own experience, we don’t always see the bigger picture, plan …puzzle.
You have such a lot to give and already you give it. However you will need time to feel your hurt and grief for the dream (s) that have not come to fruition, in order to be ready for the, as yet unimagined, joy in your life.
In my belief system? There is a purpose for you.
I wonder if it would be alright with you if I hold Faith for you? Whilst you can’t reach it.
I don’t, know the systems in America, but since I’m a foster care Case Manager here in Australia and I have been known to cry for the lack of foster carers …is it the same over there?
Could you not give the love you have to a child who has none? Adopt, foster …give give give ..
Mothering is about them not us…
You are an earth mother yes you are, just like I am …you have simply not yet found the child/children who are destined to have you as a blessing in their lives.
Please forgive me if I have said too much.
Your rawness is so beautiful it’s impossible not to react to it.
Again Happy Birthday.
I look at your list of accomplishments and wish I could lay claim to half of them.
I remember when I turned 30 (15 yrs ago). I was morbidly obese, had no job, and my future (now) husband was potentially seriously ill. I was supposed to be in the prime of my life. Instead, it sucked.
Everyone around me was listing their accomplishments, taking stock, and then making bigger, better plans for the next decade. I couldn’t even face getting up in the morning some days, forget planning for the future. And accomplishments? I truly had none I could list.
Eventually I found my hope again. It’s been growing and I keep it well tended. I’ve had a few set backs, but it’s not going away ever again. I won’t let it because I have made that choice.
Hope is a choice.
I guess what I’m getting at is you are not hopeless. You may feel short on it, but it’s there, I can see it. No one writes in the face of rejection without hope. No one gets the most beautiful dog in the world and trains her without hope. No one blogs as poignantly, as eloquently as you do without hope. You inspire so many, you inspire me. No one can be that inspirational without at least a modicum of hope. Call me Glenda the Good Witch, but you’ve had it all along, Dorothy. You just have to click those heels together and see it.
So eat chocolate cake, find some ruby slippers and make a new list with only one entry:
#1. This year I won’t make any more lists that depress the shit out of me.
Happiest of birthdays to you, dear Belette, here’s hoping you see how hopeful you really are
Wow, you have certainly accomplished alot!! Have a great birthday
Birthdays are tough. I was thoroughly miserable on mine a couple of weeks ago, wallowing in self-pity and convinced I was the world’s most spectacular underachiever. I told my family I wanted nothing and no acknowledgment of the birthday and then got upset when they did nothing. You’ve had a rough year, but I think all these feelings will pass. In the meantime, take comfort in He-weasel and Lily. And your writing’s NOT crap!
Oh my lovely Belette Happy Birthday to you! I hope that all of your wishes come true. I think it’s amazing that you have the insight to look back on your year and hope for the future. You teach us all so much. So be proud of yourself as you are sitting looking at the beach. ‘Cause we are!! Happy B-day.
La Belle’
You have a gift that you take for granted. And if you ever sat down to try and edit someone else’s writing you would realise it. You can Write Girl! Being able to give birth to a perfect sentence is a very rare gift. Plenty of people are popping octobabies out through their twats like ping pong balls but not many people can write about it.
and nobody the fuck tells you this at school! You write great journals, you write excellent essays and nobody says “actually, considering how shit the topic was you wrote a fine little essay that sttod out from the pile of merde that I had to sift through tonight and correct.
Being a good person is also another gift and radiating that through your honesty on this blog helps a lot of people. Yeah you get a lot of comments but I bet you get a lot more lurkers who would have been ashamed to admit the stuff you put out there, but now feel less alone.
And you wear great shoes!
xx
Shoot, Happy Birthday too!
xx
Cheryl: I have been taking Ambien off and on for years but I never take it early enough to allow myself 8 hours of sleep. I am going to try going to be ad at 10 and getting up at 7 and see what happens.
Even if I wanted to change my feelings I don’t have much ability to repress or deny( I lost that years ago). I am lucky to have such a great community. I really know how special and unusual it is. I like your affirmation.
Blogdog: Merci, Clive. I love how you sing!:-)
A Woman Of No Importance: I am absolutely sick about Braja. So awful that I just can’t even believe it.
Thank you so much for the links to the updates. I will be checking often.
I will be sending lots of good thoughts and hopes for a speedy recovery for Braja, her husband and the driver.
Alison: Sucky years suck. I am amazed I survived and that I made it through this year of the damned.
Lily is the best bday, christmas, easter and other holiday present ever.
Thanks, dear Alison, for your bday wishes for me.
Hey lovey, I *get* it.
I hope your day is not as crap as you thought it would be.
xo
Yeah, I am thinking of applying for a job writing Hallmark cards for the new ‘depression range.’
LENORENEVERMORE: I am impatient for change. I know you are right but it is my bday so I can complain if I want to.;-) Thanks, sweets, for the warm wishes.
Seeker: I will happily share my cake with you.xo
Sarah: I am very touched by the kindness and hope I feel in your comment.
I thought I was farther along with the grief than I am. The novel unlocked all kinds of unfelt feelings.
It is very sweet of you to offer to hold hope for me. I would be honoured if you would.
I don’t have the emotional strength to foster a child. I am just not the strong. I have grown attached to kids I have met in lines at the grocery store that I still think about all these years later. We did try to adopt and the adoption fell through at the last moment and it was HEARTBREAKING.
He-weasel is still open to adoption and even to Fostering, I am not. I am not as strong as he is. My heart has been broken too many times.
You didn’t say too much. You said lovely things that show how much you care. Thank you for caring.
Kayleigh: Thank you for sharing your story and for reminding me that change might occur even if today I cannot see it.
For today, I feel that hope is something that is finite and that I ran out of. I “hope” I am wrong.;-)
I was telling a friend that writing doesn’t feel like a goal any longer it has become something I do even in spite of my strong conviction that nothing will come of it( if you saw my novel you would agree with me)—it is like sleeping, eating and other things I just do instinctually. You think that training Lily implies hope? Thank you for that. I guess that I hope I can get her to do things. But, it doesn’t feels like hope. It feels like I know she is intelligent, I know it, and because I know it I act on that knowing. Now you know how Igor earns his money! I fight his well thought out arguments.;-) He did say it was interesting that I write even though I seem to have lost hope. Interesting is often code for another word implying “this doesn’t make any sense.”
Blogging feels the same as all my writing. It is just what I do. I once had hope it would turn into something, I have lost that hope and yet I keep writing. I am so happy to learn that I inspire you. That really and truly means a lot to me.
I am a Dorothy so lost I am off the yellow brick road and my dog Toto is great company as we do laps on the outskirts of the Emerald city. But, I am a lucky Dorothy to have you as a Glenda. Thanks for believing in me. I think I might wear my red Valentino shoes tomorrow and see if they take me anywhere.
Glenda, your advice is good. I will not make any more lists that depress the shit out of me. I promise!
Thanks again for this amazing advice and, Glenda, I love your outfit and your voice.;-)
Pretty Little Pictures: Merci!
Iheartfashion: I wish our bdays were on the same day and that we could have spent it together complaining about our years. I know you have had a rough one too. How long did it take to pass for you? Lily, He-weasel and my bloggy friends are the best things in my life. Thank you. I hope next year is better for both of us.
Laura: I am a past and future gal. I am not so good at now. I could learn more about the now.Thanks for your kind note and birthday wishes.
Hammie: Your comment won the award for the comment I read aloud to my He-weasel. You made me laugh and think that maybe I can write a little. I know one thing about you and you are a no B.S. kind of gal. Your line:”Being able to give birth to a perfect sentence is a very rare gift. Plenty of people are popping octobabies out through their twats like ping pong balls but not many people can write about it.” made me LOL and make snorting noises and that is a good thing. Thank you.
I often feel like a TMI kind of person on this blog. I am glad if it reads to you like I am a good person and that my honesty may help others—that makes me happy.
I will admit to wearing good shoes. I can put that on my list of accomplishments.;-)
xo
To #5: I’m a mother – are you breaking up with me??? I’m happy you listed #6
I see the word “survive” the most, that’s a big achievement if you asked me!
Peptobismol was a faithful friend of mine during high school and college days and all I remember of it is “painful yucks”. Your list actually doesn’t need Peptobismol accompaniment.
My HTC gave off an alarm at midnight (last night). I checked its “Ruby’s Birthday” note, and sent up prayers. It’s already the 14th here, so, “Happy birthday, beautiful!”. All my best wishes.
Michelle: I SWEAR to you that just Thursday I said to Igor that someone needs to make honest greeting cards instead of all the happy horse shit you find at your local Hallmark store. Really, someone would make a ton of money if they did it.
Thanks for getting it. I hope it doesn’t suck as much as I expect. I have very low expectations.
Lynn: Nope. you didn’t dump me. I was dumped by other mothers. And, I would never dump you and I am sure you wouldn’t dump me for being childless. I am sure of it.
Survival is big. I still say that Pepto shots are required. But, you may have a stronger tolerance than I do.;-)
Thank you, dear you, for the prayers and birthday wishes. You are a dear friend and I am luck to have you.
Happy Birthday anyway!
Well, I’m going to wish you Happy Birthday. I don’t particularly care for them either and once I truly did forget it was my own. I think you’re brave making lists about what you’ve accomplished. I think if I did that it would depress me. At least you HAVE accomplished some things. And stop talking about your novel being crap. So, your first one was rejected. That doesn’t make it, or you crap. It simply means one agent didn’t want it. I have a friend who’s had many rejections, but she still keeps writing. Please don’t run yourself down (easier said than done, I know). You’re a great writer. I hope you find hope again xxxxx
LaBelette: Happy Birthday! What a lovely post.
I do not read fiction but for your book, I will make an exception. Of course, I also want to get it signed by you so we have to meet
The journal is a great idea. I have never thought of it this way but I am tickled by it and will take it up from this year. So what if it is an oddball b’day for me this year.
Have a great year ahead and many happier times!
Why on earth would anyone willingly lose a good friend because they had not become a mother. I’ve never wanted kids but my closest UK friend is a single mum – albeit one with a career so her be all and end all is not ranting on about her precious offspring.(isn’t it boring when mums do that).
I’d love to be in California, especially Santa Barbara or Laguna Beach. France has its drawbacks you know.
Happy Birthday
Dear La (may I call you La?) – While I know it doesn’t seem like it, some on your list are good things.
5. I lost many friends that I no longer have a single thing in common with because: a) I am not and never will be a mother and b) I will no longer give away my work for free to them – Okay, a) is horribly painful – I’ve been there – my goal is now to get to a place that I can be a helluva foster mom or adopt an older kid no one wants – often “hard to place” = any child over 1 year old. b) Been there, too – also a good thing, tho’ painful. You lose the friends who weren’t really friends, and you gain respect for yourself by not giving your work away.
8. I wrote a crappy non-fiction book and had it rejected – Writing a crappy book is the first step toward writing a good book. Sometimes you can turn a crappy book into a good book. Sometimes the crappy book is just the warm-up to writing the good book. In six months, you’ll figure out which yours was, but it was a necessary step.
14. …I got Lily … This is huge. Lily is the start to your new year and next phase of your life. You’re in pre-lift-off mode, whether you realize it or not.
Happy Birthday, YOU!
Happy Birthday to you,dear LBR! I wish I could give you all the things on your list…especially #9. I struggle with that one myself…but what helps me is remembering something Jesus said "My peace I give you, not as the world gives…don't let your heart be troubled or anxious"…I try to remember that one when I am feeling not at peace and it has helped me. One thing I have found at age 50 is that the world and it's pleasures and all I crave from it bring me only a splash of peace & contentment for a moment, then it's on to the next thing. I am finding it an exhausting way to live and am trying to focus on living with more calm and peace and am trying too to pursue that. I wish that for you, that this birthday will start a year of splashes of happiness and calm peace for you to find, my friend!
Happy Happy Birthday!
I feel that you will adopt a young child, and absolutely love her (or him). All the best, sorry if this is weird …
Anyhow, happy birthday big time…
Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday to You,
Happy Birthday Dear Belette,
Happy Birthday to you! : )
Bonne anniversaire, dear Belette! Hope you’re having a fantastic day in spite of your list!!! Please concentarte on what you’ve got and who you are. All the rest is unimportant! Hugs! Ciao. Antonella
After reading all the comments, I am changing my birthday norm to K. Line’s. Heh…
I am no stranger to the ‘birthday meh’. Sometimes they suck, sometimes they’re pretty okay. and that’s okay.
ILY and I am so glad to have found your blog, even if you are 20 lbs overweight. (I’ll see your 20 and raise you 40. Hee…)
::hug hug hug::
Bonne anniversaire à toi, cher Belette. I am delighted we met at the beginning of your new year. How lovely of Paméla to suggest the meeting. Rouge et Blanc. Fine wines, peut-être?
Such a beautiful cake, Bilette—chocolat allemand, je croix? But, my dear, those forks! Are they, ahem, plastiques? J'espère que non! While you have your Beverly Hills psychoanalyst, Igor, I rely on Stefan, my Laguna Beach image consultant, who assures me that appearances are everything. When I look good, I feel good. What else could matter to a gay (though bi-continental) white rabbit?
About Age
I will be sixty-five (65) in May, cher Bilette. I recently applied for and received a Medicare card. Living in the Paris of the Mind (POTM), age n’importe rien. I don’t think about it; therefore, I am not âgé.
About Rules
We French have rules about everything, which may explain your dilemma, dear Bilette. Even though you are not French, you are a French wannabe and so it's not surprising that you can't ignore the rules of the game—even though it's a game of your own creation. In the POTM, however, I am able to change the rules to suit my need. I have rules about working crossword puzzles, for example, but if the rules don't apply in a particular instance, well, then, I change or ignore them. I offer our friendship as Exhibit A. Natural law suggests the impossibility of friendship between a weasel and a rabbit. La voilà!
About Life
Philosophies of life abound. In the POTM, there are two guiding princples:
1. Life is a banquet and most poor bastards are starving to death! —Mame Dennis
2. Merde arrive.
Though it is your birthday, cher Bilette, it is I who have received the gifts: the gift of a new friend (two, actually, counting Lily, the amazing disappearing dog) and the inspiration to take up writing again. I see a blog in my future, dear Bilette, which I shall dedicate to
•our blossoming friendship
•our mutual interest in and love of writing
•our love for and of our pseudo-infants, Lilly and Robbie.
And now, dear Bilette, to my new blog. Please stay tuned!
Your friend,
Bil
Belle, I hope that you are having a wonderful birthday today, and that you are more hopeful about the, and your, future.
It is a cliche, often said, “Count your blessings…” And it is sometimes worth totting those up, including what you have achieved in loving and in training la belle Lily, and all the love you share with your lovely husband, not to mention the new friends you have made in LA, the beginning of a new book, and the planning of your trip to Paris.
I know there is far, far more that you have done, mon amie – Be blessed. xox
To be sung to the tune of you know what…
Happy birthday to you…you’re feelin’ a bit blue…but you’re talented too…happy birthday to you!
Just celebrate, and make it a mental list if need be.
***H*A*P*P*Y***B*I*R*T*H*D*A*Y***
All my love lovely and gorgeous lady!!!!
Kisses & Hugs
xoxo
I do hope you get some of that German chocolate cake because it looks absolutely delicious.
Maybe you could just let yourself skip the list? Maybe you need another kind of accounting or type of goal-setting . . . or maybe you need to just let yourself rest a bit, Belle. It sounds like a really traumatic year — so just cut yourself some slack. Best wishes from Bee. xx
Happy birthday!!! Sorry you didn’t like Austin. I lived there for 20+ years in a condo on West 6th Street.
I have no children. Have left 2 husbands and have a wonderful 3rd one. My blog is the name I gave myself in 1976. It’s the only one to stick over the years (have had it through all 3 marriages). I have my dream camera (Leica VLux). And at 62 I’m feeling pretty good.
I’ll drop by from time to time as I enjoy your posts. By the way, I have 2 of my favorite photos of Paris on my Lizzy’s Photos Blog which you can link to from my Lizzy Frizzfrock blog if you wish.
Have a great weekend and don’t worry too much about that list!
Lizzy
Happy Birthday, Belette! I should’ve known you are born in March – I’m drawn to March people very strongly. My birthday was last Friday – I turned 46. Getting kinda close to 50, there!. I hope you got your cake – if it wasn’t satisfactory, I’ll send you the most divine chocolate cupcake ever!
Just remember, you are surrounded by and bathed in love – from He-Weasel, Lily and your blogger friends.
Happy birthday, Belette.
I hope you had as good a day as possible.
Take care and cheers to *you*!
Happy birthday La Belette. From this end I think it is a good idea to have an open-ended year. Let whatever is going to happen, happen and embrace it. It can be a lovely cup of cafe au lait in a sleepy French village, holding hands with your husband, and Lilly by your side going for long walks, reading a book you allow yourself to enjoy, or any number of small but significant moments if you let them be. Just enjoy each moment and if for once there is no plan, all thebetter.
Mervat
xxoo