Rejection is such an ugly word. Re which means again and jection which comes from the English word abject, which was originally not an adjective but a verb meaning “to cast off”, “to throw down”, and, “to degrade”. So, I have been again degraded. I have been once again cast off the literary island.
Those who love me and mean well have advised me not to take this rejection personally but I can’t help it. Okay, it wasn’t me that was rejected but my writing has been rejected and it hurts. It hurts in the most personal of ways. My writing is inextricably linked to me. There is nothing more personal than my writing. My writing is my thinking and feeling made manifest and if someone doesn’t like my writing they don’t like me and while I get not everyone will like me I cannot help but take it personally.
The agent tribe has spoken. This rejection is the third agent rejection I have had in my writing career and I am feeling sick like I felt sick when I was rejected by my first love. I can’t work. I can’t talk. I can’t sleep. All I can do is recline in my ennui pose while wearing my uniform of despair: squirrel pajama bottoms and my Pepperdine sweatshirt. I occasionally eat foods that don’t require chewing, hence the soggy Captain Crunch I slurp down when I can manage to lift the spoon to my mouth. I have watched the crappiest of crap TV; I watched five hours of The Real Housewives of Orange County. My whole body is wrenched with pain. My hair, eyelashes and nails even hurt. I seem to have regressed into a lower evolutionary life form that cannot walk erect, a Neandra-gal without the bad brow, protruding chin, or the hair issues.
I am sad in the I just watched Love Story, The Outsiders and Life is Beautiful one after the other and right after I was broken up with only to discover my boyfriend is dating my best friend kind of sad. I cried until I broke blood vessels in my eyelids and then I cried some more. And no stories about how J.K. Rowling was rejected by every living agent would help lessen my despair.
My writing is so important to me and I want to get an agent more than I want a house or a trip to Paris or anything that Prada could make. To have an agent says that someone with authority believes that my work is sellable and that in their professional opinion they can make money off of me. For the last two weeks I have thought of little else. The two week wait until the rejection was like being, as the brilliant Kirie said, like being on point for two weeks. It is fricking exhausting. I was on constant pins and needles and no matter what I did it was on my mind. When I watched Lost I thought about what the agent would find if she visited my blog. When I took Lily for a walk I would worry that she might email me just as I left the house. Even when I had sex, thoughts about the agent would sneak in and interrupt which could quickly turn arousal into anxiety.
Waiting to hear from the agent was really a lot like waiting to hear if the IVF worked and whether I was pregnant or not. In both cases I had done everything I could do and there was nothing to do but hope and wait and agonize until I learned if this time I had finally gotten what I so desperately wanted. Each month when I discovered that I was once again not pregnant it never-ever-ever got any easier. It always was bone crushing grief that each time I was sure would destroy me.
As hard as the wait was it was harder to hear the truth, I will not be represented by this agent. I am of course disappointed. I was already in grief when my mentor warned me not to be sad in her note that proceeded the agent’s reaction to my proposal. The agent who kindly reviewed my proposal believes that my book offers no comfort or hope and is instead a book about my anger and grief. The agent believes that I haven’t yet made peace with my infertility. It is her instinct that my writing has been therapeutic for me but will not necessarily be so for anyone else.
I am sincerely appreciative that this successful and respected agent took the time to read my proposal and I thank her sincerely for her professional opinion and well wishes. She did say that other agents may not share her opinion. I hope that she is right about that last part. I may be wrong but I don’t believe that I need to make peace with my infertility in order to write about it in away that is meaningful or even therapeutic for others. I believe that books that honestly and authentically explore a difficult experience are more satisfying than books that offer easy hope and resolution to subjects where neither may be possible. Truthfully, I don’t think peace is possible when it comes to infertility. I think it is something I will and am learning to live with but it will always be a wound and a wound that will never heal.
I have to say that the books that are most meaningful to me do not offer hope but make room for the darkness and allow me to feel strum und drang and say in their subtext that suffering is normal and universal and that I am not the only one who has suffered, Dostoevsky for example. I, for one, would love to read a book that has the message “Infertility sucks and lets be honest about it” and then manages to find something to laugh at in the enormity of the pain that comes with being childless not be choice. Humour, for me, is a wonderful way to survive those things that feel like they cannot be endured or transformed.
He-weasel and Lily took me to Igor’s yesterday because I was too sad, despondent and grief stricken to drive myself there and I was only going to see him to tell him goodbye. I told him my plan. I was going to turn off my computer, disconnect my cell phone, and never-ever-ever go anywhere ever again( not even to get my hair coloured) and that I was going to become a house bound recluse. He, being the brilliant Igor that he is, totally got it. “Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. You totally put yourself out there and you were rejected and so now you want to pull in.” As soon as I heard him say that I knew I was not going to quit seeing him.
I told Igor the agent’s assessment of my proposal. He responded brilliantly, “This is the same kind of message you get from your mother. It is the message that the only thing that is acceptable is optimism and hope and that grief and anger are unacceptable.” He then thoughtfully contemplated and listed many important books that don’t offer comfort or hope. He advised me that I shouldn’t change it and that if I did turn it into a story that offers hope and it sold that it would not be satisfying to me because it isn’t true for me and he is right. I will not write a hopeful and happy ending book about infertility and if that is what I have to do to be published I never will be.
I shared with him some of the lovely things that Anna Lefler said in response to my rejection grief in her CPR for post-rejection notes and messages. Anna said things like I will not feel this way forever and that it sucks and that I should take good care of myself and get a massage and see Igor and that I shouldn’t make any rash decisions and that this was like buying a house and that I didn’t get my first house and that doesn’t mean I will never get a house. Igor said, “Annnah ez right! Annnah ez vise! Listen to Annnah!” Igor said that advice was coming from someone who knew this pain of rejection and who had the resilience to endure it. I explained that in hearing my friend’s advice I felt comforted and understood and
I could feel some relief in just merely being understood. I felt free to feel what I was feeling and comforted by hearing the experience of another who had been through what I have been through—even with no promise of hope or resolution. If Igor or my friends had told me that I would absolutely get another agent or told me how something wonderful would come out of this I would have felt worse than I had before as it would be too far away from how I was feeling.
Anna also told me that I should rent and watch Blazing Saddles, Rushmore, and Undercover Brother as an emotional and psychological brain palette cleanse as it was medically necessary. I am not sure that Igor would have said to this suggestion, “Annnah ez vise! Listen to Annnah!” But, she is and I can assure you that this trio of film is more healing than an entire row of double stuffed Oreos.
Beyond the sadness and the disappointment I am angry. I explained to Igor that what I am really angry about is not the rejection but rather my lack of resilience to tolerate rejection that is necessary to make it as a writer. Rejection is part of being a writer. Every writer has had it and the problem is that I don’t have the emotional bandwith to tolerate the rejection. My heart is broken by rejection and I sink and break and swear that I will never-ever-ever write again after each rejection.
Igor seems to think he can help me develop the resilience. “Really?”, I asked. I needed assurances and guarantees. I am far too fragile for empty promises. “Yes,” he said, “I think if you decide not to quit I think I can help you build resilience”. As I sat there thinking about his belief that he could help me with this I told him, “It is better to be a good writer with no resilience than a bad writer with lots of resilience. Because if I was a bad writer there is nothing you could do about that.”
I left Igor’s feeling a little more resilient than I had an hour before. Lily, He-weasel and I walked the streets of Beverly Hills and I even smiled and laughed and had moments of pleasure. For four full hours I didn’t cry and by the time I got home I had already started to think about what I wanted to write for this post. Now, I have already broken my promise that I made to myself just yesterday that I would never-ever-ever write anything ever-ever-ever again.
p.s. I want to thank Lily, He-weasel, Kirie, Anna, Jamie, Igor, and B for getting me through the last 24 hours.
Oh sweetheart. Just huge hugs.
Visit the ‘Light House’ and we will show you the way! The ‘Light House’ is your agent and you will have to explore the unknowns that lead to successful creative writing. . . . . . Go to the ‘Light House’ and look at the pictures; you will find what you are looking for; seek and you shall find.
E: Thank you. Huge hugs are appreciated.
Raymonty:Your contest makes me think of one of my favorite songs by They Might Be Giants, “Birdhouse in Your Soul:
Theres a picture opposite me
Of my primitive ancestry
Which stood on rocky shores and kept the beaches shipwreck free
Though I respect that a lot
Id be fired if that were my job
After killing Jason off and countless screaming argonauts.
Dear girl.
You can imagine what I’ll say to this. One of my writing mentors gave me the sage advice after a rejection: “Keep going, Kirie. Keep going.” Simple, and irritating at the time, that little set of words has been fueling me at low points for a long time now.
Igor is brilliant. You are brilliant. Your axiom that “It is better to be a good writer with no resilience than a bad writer with lots of resilience. Because if I was a bad writer there is nothing you could do about that.” Exactly.
love to you.
Kirie
Oh Ruby, I wish I was a clever person to know the right thing to say in this situation. I’m sorry…
You will always be a role model to me.
What Kirie said makes a lot of sense. Keep going, Ruby, keep going.
Oh Belette,
My heart aches for you again. Rejection is so difficult. But wow, you have a jewel in Igor. I may just have to see him myself. Before you said it, I thought to myself, there is no peace with infertility. Maybe acceptance at some point, but not peace.
It seems to me that this particular agent wasn’t looking for what you have. It didn’t sound as if she didn’t like it.
I am sorry that you were disappointed again.
I so understand what you said about resilience. The best therapist I ever had, who was a MSW said to me, ” You don’t roll with the punches very well.” That simple statement was profound to me and changed my life. I never thought of life that way. It’s not always easy, but I always remember that.
We love you and look how many readers you have here. Chin up, and carry on. We are here for you.
Aw, man, that really stinks. I’m sorry. Rejection can be so soul-crushing. I’m glad that Igor has given you hope though. He sounds very wise.
“You must keep sending work out; you must never let a manuscript do nothing but eat its head off in a drawer. You send that work out again and again, while you’re working on another one. If you have talent, you will receive some measure of success — but only if you persist.” Isaac Asimov
Du courage, mon amie!
xoxo!
I lurk here all the time, but seldom have a worthwhile comment. But your grief touches me. I want you to know that I think we all want someone to hold our hand in the dark of sorrow and grief. When I read your words, I know I hear the voice of someone who knows the way that feels and is honest and brave enough … filled with enough love … to share that with people. Artists are always acquainted with sorrow, no? I’m a stranger to you, but I want you to know feel with you.
Anna G.
shit shit shit, i’m sorry. it’s like i told my daughter when her boyfriend betrayed her, pretend you have a virus called grief, lay down in the bed, and wait for it to pass. you’ll get up when you feel better, and not a moment before. just let the whole process take you over, you’re gonna be okay in a little while.
i was sure it was going to get picked up.
damn them. idiots, they alway want to play it safe with those “happy endings”
good writers know there’s no such thing.
PS – not all readers want a book that shoots sunshine up their asses … stay true to your own voice and toss out agents’ advice like you would tacky shoes.
Anna G.
(((LBR)))
I agree with all that you say…and Igor, too… Life is not always (even mostly) happy and you have the courage to tell the truth. That agent is only looking at the $$$….(Wrong!)
You have so many fans here….I hope you find some comfort in this fact…. Keep on…. xoxoxox
Dear Belette, I’m actually crying! You always make me cry either for joy or for sadness! I’m so sorry! I was already hoping to receive an authographed book from you (very selfish!)! I know what rejection feels like and I cannot tell you not to be sad because I know you are. What I’d like to tell you is not to give up, just lick your wounds and start again. Can’t you find another agent and another publisher? Even abroad if necessary… Maybe this is a stupid question, but as you said, some famous writers have been rejected many times before being finally published. Please keep your chin up and be brave, you’ll manage sooner or later I know. Big hugs. Ciao. Antonella
PS Is your real name Ruby??? That’s beautiful! It fits you perfectly. You’re a splendid gem! Bacioni. A.
LBR, you wrote: “what I am really angry about is not the rejection but rather my lack of resilience to tolerate rejection…”
But, my darling, you’ve been practicing all your life. You will never tolerate rejection. It is not in you. To tolerate rejection is to cease to feel emotion. That is something you will never do. There absolutely must be lows to counter the highs.
Oh dear Belette, I wish I knew the right words but am sending hugs anyway.
Of course a rejection of your writing is personal. There is so much of you in your writing, it is like a rejection of your soul. And Igor is so wonderful that he gets it, this urge to retire into yourself. As soon as you began to write that, before you wrote those words, I could already see and feel that pulling in. The urge to pull in from the world after you have extended yourself is so strong; you need to pull in a little to build strength. Some resilience may be good, but resilience without talent is hopeless.
There is much pressure in the modern world for maintaining that all is good and happy and that there is no sadness, grief or evil lurking in the shadows. The agent has bought into that belief. It is very sad. A happy resolution is not always possible, certainly not with infertility. Better yet to find someone who has shared your struggles, who has felt that pain and is able to share it. There is strength and hope in your words. There is more hope in knowing that one is not alone in one’s greif than there is in happy platitudes.
Art is never easy, and artists must also know the darkness.
You will find the right agent.
In the meantime, more hugs.
My husband collects his rejection letters like so many rare postage stamps. I think he views them with a sense of pride (I sent out a book proposal!) rather than a sense of failure (as I see my many rejections from various & sundry juried art exhibitions, but we will not go there).
I don't know how he does it. This is not an inherently resilient man (do not tell him I said this), so maybe resiliency *can* be developed.
p.s. I HATE reading a story about infertility, (or bad timing, etc.), thinking I'm going to be able to relate to this person because *I* had this bad thing happen to me, too! And then at the end, a miraculous baby! Puke.
I am sorry. But
1) now you know which agents aren’t for you, or for this project and
2) Anna ISS vise! and so is Igor, and visdom is good and
3)try the first Harold and Kumar movie if symptoms recur, it cured my husband and I after his 4th layoff in 2 years and
4) you CAN become more resilient and you will. I used to be very sensitive and remember well the thinking and the pain – then I went to work in a law firm and nothing I did was ever right, and I wasn’t right since I was a non-[fill in the blank with a religion, because I was never what the in-crowd was]female, and I felt rejected all the time…and after a while I woke up and said “F___ IT” and was happy with who I am and refused to feel rejected. The “F___ IT” attitude helps a lot in life – “you don’t like me? eh, your loss…..”
Pain really sucks, but you are stronger than it is. You made it through your family and IVF? Then you are much stronger than the pain. Hang in there, and kiss Lily a lot, because she thinks that the sun rises and sets around you.
“I think all great innovations are built on rejections.”
by Louis Ferdinand Celine
Imported from France just for you, Belette.
You are much bigger than your feelings. It’s something I am trying to learn every day.
Bon courage et bisous.
Kirie: Thank you so much for your encouragement and for your friendship. I cannot thank you enough for your wise advice and your emails( especially the pirate one, you made my day. Thank you!).
Lynn: Thank you so much for your comforting words. He-weasel and I were just talking about your sweet cat last night. We both send you love and hugs to you.
Julianne:Infertility is something that will never leave me, it is something I will always be impacted by and the truth of that cannot lead to peace. I will live on and find ways to endure. But, peace? Never!
I went to Igor so convinced that it was going to be my last session ever and then he said all the right things and I thought maybe there is a way out of this feeling. Maybe grief doesn’t have to destroy me. Maybe I can have greater resilience. Just that thought brought me relief.
I love you too and I am so grateful to have so many wonderful readers.
Marsi: Soul-crushing grief is what I felt for 24 hours after I learned. Today, thanks to everyone I mentioned in this post and now thanks to all these incredible and encouraging comments, I feel much better.
xoxo
Igor is so smart! I do not agree with the agent that books must all be happy and end with peace – it would be like having a 1984 world. I love your writing – do whatever you need to do to keep writing – Sending Hugs.
Anna G: Thank you so much for everything: for being a regular reader, for coming out of lurkdom, and for your incredible and kind encouragement.Your clearly understand what I was hoping the book would do and what I feel by the generous support I have felt, “to hold our hand in the dark of sorrow and grief.” Thank you, that is it exactly.
As to the blowing sunshine, I certainly don’t want that and I don’t think others do either. It does nothing to comfort real grief. It feels empty and false, well at least to me.
That is the amazing thing, just through your words of you saying you get it and you not trying to make it feel better I feel comforted. I don’t think everyone understands the power of that, but you clearly do. Thank you,Anna G.:-)
Donna: You made me laugh with your “shits”. Thank you!!! It does feel good to think of it like a flu that in time will pass. When you have it it feels like it will never go away but it will. It is lovely how you made space for your daughters grief and you didn’t try to get her out for it. I think that is so important. She is lucky to have a mom like you.
No happy ending here. I didn’t get the baby and that sucks—but life goes on. Even as it goes on I am still pissed off that I went through all of that and have nothing to show for it but a smaller bank account,a lot of receipts, and pictures of my embryos.
You have some very wise counsel indeed. And YOU are a vise veasel. Take heart, I am so sorry this agent did not take your work but I have faith that one will and she will be the right one.
Thanks Ruby and He-Weasel for your sweet kind thoughts. I’m afraid there isn’t any cat still, it’s hard to go by everyday not ‘seeing’ her everywhere you turn but as hard as it is to swallow, I have a hunch she’s been catnapped. Whatever it is, I hope she is loved. And you know what’s harder? The fact that everyone else but myself seem to have recovered…
Thanks again for the support through these times. I really appreciate it.
This post was amazingly beautiful and touching, and I’m so so so very glad you didn’t stop writing. I hope that this push for “life sucked… and then it got better, so have hope!” books dies a quick death. Only few of them ring true and can be seen as anything but saccharine.
You are a brilliant writer, even though I only know you through your blog writing. And when you get published – because you will – your book will have a happy home on my bookshelf.
Your courage to write this after that rejection inspires me, and I need inspiration.
Ooph! The physical pain of disappointment is what’s always worst for me. It literally FEELS so badly. Unbearable. May yours be short lived. May it all feel much better, very soon.
Any writer worth his or her salt, unless a robot or a soulless, hardass Yale hack, would take it personal because you DO pour every bit of your fucking being into your writing because it’s not for Popular Mechanics or Good Housekeeping.
Embrace the sturm und drang, don’t ever turn your story into some Chicken Soup for the Childless Not By Choice because that would be horrible and not you.
I’ve got my torch and pitchfork at the ready. Just give me the word because I know you can fucking write and most of the assholes in print can’t. Most importantly, YOU know that which is why you’ll submit again and again.
Belle Belette, Annah is vise, and so true!
There is some shite being published out there, that should never hit the shelves. Agents are also reacting to a world-wide recession (as film-makers do), so they want feel-good gloop, and naught of intelligence or emotional Sturm und Drang, unless it is about child abuse, like Dave Pelzer, which I thought abysmal…
Don’t give up, do give in – to feelings of understandable grief for as long as you need to – then rise like the bold and beautiful red weasel from the ashes, and shine again – You are a Ruby in the Smoke, and we love you! xxx
Thank heavens for broken promises.
*smooches* I feel your pain. It is what makes me too afraid to even try.
LBR, Sorry about the book. I know a couple of people who eventually published and it took them years. Don’t give up, continue on doing what you believe in.
Giggles: I find it so odd that the happy horse shit books sell and make money. Why???????? I guess it is like buying a fairytale that everything an all work out at the end. Not every story has a happy ending.
I do find a lot of comfort in having such a wonderful readership. I am really lucky in that.
To Jaywalker’s huge hugs and Kirie’s advice to “keep going,” can I add the wise advice a friend learned from her therapist years ago? It’s my mantra when I feel inadequate and depressed and whatever: Just keep showing up. As one of my fellow PhD candidates said when we defended within a month of each other, our finishing when others had dropped out had way more to do with “sheer bloody-mindedness” (her words) than anything else. I’d prefer to use gentler words, and I like Igor’s emphasis on resilience, but tenacity, I think, is part of that resilience, and I have seen that in you over the past year or two. Resilience seems a wee bit passive compared to what you have which is a real determination — I think that’s what’s going to get you where you’re going, even if you succumb from time to time to a wallow in the slough of despond.
Plus you know there’s always a tea-drinking spot for you on my front porch. . .
Dear Antonella: That I can communicate my joy or despair enough to bring you to tears is a great compliment to me. Thank you.
I am sad and not as sad as yesterday and that is progress. I can’t imagine that I will dare to send anything out again for a while but that is just a feeling and I a not making any big decisions for now.
No, my real name is not Ruby. But my dear friend, Lynn calls me that as I call myself the red weasel( la Belette Rouge). It is a nickname she gave me and I do love it.
Thank you, dear Antonella, for your kindness and encouragement.
Tessa:You are right, tolerate is not the right word. I need to learn to survive rejection and not let it stop me and I feel like I am a lone way from being able to do that. I am not even sure it is possible. I will keep going to Igor and keep breaking promises to myself and see what comes of that.
Mardel: The right words are not necessary but the hugs are perfect as is the feeling of your sincere reaction. Thank you for getting it.
My writing is me. My writing is not fiction and even if it was it would still be me. If I was a woodworker the table I made would be me. There is nothing more personal than our work. It is like giving birth and it is like having someone tell you they don’t like your child but then telling you not to take it personally.
I thought the pulling in was pathological and unhealthy and as soon as he said that it was totally natural reaction I felt sooooo much better.
So much of my personal work has been about making room for the darkness, the shadow and the unpretty and then to hear that happy endings, peace and comfort are what I should aim for is a bit of a kick to the gut. I do think that bringing light to darkness( airing it) there is change and growth but maybe that kind of change isn’t drastic enough.
Thank you for your perfect words that were heartfelt and a real comfort. xo
Carlene: Does your husband teach seminars??? Geeze, I wish I had a 1/4 of his attitude about it. What does he tell himself about hte rejections? I am so curious.
A book about the horrors of infertility that ends with the author getting pregnant makes me want to projectile vomit.
don’t let the rejection from an agent break you down; keep on writing…
Marla:
1)That is true.
2) It is nice to have people who are vise and have visdom in your life.
3)I am adding that movie to my list. Thank you.
4) I want to develop the “Fuck it” attitude. I take it all in and so personally even when the criticism comes from a source that I shouldn’t value. Even as I know that it still stings.
Lily is a real comfort. She stays with me and naps with me and never tells me I have to feel better. Yesterday I never imagined I could post today or that I would write again. I am stronger and more resilient than I think.
Frenchee Le Trip: Celine. Le sigh. Merci. And, you are right, I have learned that my feelings are not always trustworthy.
Paula: Thank you. I am so glad you like my writing it as it is. I think that for now the only way I can keep writing is to not think about what I am going to do with it. It hurts too much, at least for now.
Darling La Belette,
Miss Janey knows and feels your pain. See can promise this too shall pass. La B will find an agent who believes in her if she just keeps trying. Better writers the RK Rowling have suffered many more rejections. The important thing is to keep faith in yourself and keep writing. LBR already has many, many fans and followers- it won’t be long before she has an agent, too.
Hugs, sweetie.
To me one of your greatest gifts is the way you put your heart out there wanting stuff and you admit what you want and you feel the pain when you don’t get it. So many people live lies, pretending they don’t want what their hearts most hope for. You are real.
Duchesse: Really, I am a vise veasel. I love that. He-weasel is going to hear about that when he calls, “Duchesse said that I am vise veasel.” Thanks so much for your encouragement and belief in me.
Lynn: I am not a person who does hope but I cannot quit hoping that your cat gets back to you. I so want that for you. I can assure you that He-weasel and I have not recovered at the loss of your Knutz. We will continue to think of you and your kitty and hope that you are reunited.
xoxo
I like what Tessa said “To tolerate rejection is to cease to feel emotion.” Like seriously, who could really be ok with rejection?? I mean, I know there are people who say “Oh your opinion of me doesn’t matter” but I’m pretty sure they’re lying. Or are robots. And I personally am very glad you are not a robot. Feel better!
Belette, rejection is hard, and even though it’s the oldest cliche…it’s not you, it’s them. Trust me!
Oh, and to prove that you still have the comic/light touch, even if unintentional – this typo sentence in this post made me chuckle
Even when I had sex thoughts about the agent would sneak in which could quickly turn arousal into anxiety.
xxx
Sara: As the thoughts for the post started to come to me I knew that I didn’t know how I would feel until
I wrote it and then I knew I had to write it and then damn I was writing again.
I wonder if this credit crunch and the economy collapsing will exacerbate the “life sucked… and then it got better, so have hope!” story line or will put an end to it. I hope the later.
I feel so strongly that so much about writing is solitary but that for real success we need community and support and to hear how others did it and survived it and not hide our sufferings and disappointments. I learn so much from reading about others sufferings and their willingness to show the unlovely and their failings.
I am so happy if my writing about my reflection in anyway inspires you. That really makes me happy. Thank you, Sara.
I feel sure that I will have one of your books on my bookshelf one day too. I guess, even when it fucking hurts and it does, we have to keep showing up and see what happens until we can’t do it anymore.
Red Shoes: Thank you. It is amazing how physical the pain of rejection is. It really hurts physically. Thank you for your warm wishes.:-)
Randal: I just don’t know how people manage to not take creative rejections personally. I just don’t have it in me. Maybe I never will.
Thank you for that imagery. Chicken Soup for the Childless Not By Choice makes me feel sicker than salmonella ever could. No, I would not want to write that book or have my name on it. Yuck!!!
It is so nice to know that should I need you that you have that torch and pitchfork, it is a great comfort. Thanks, Randal, for your belief in me.I hope you know how much that means to me.
A Woman Of No Importance: I am starting to wonder if my timing could be any worse and if I should just give up. It is sooooo hard and the market is so bad and yet beyond having a child the only thing I really want in life is to have a book that is sold at Borders. I know that I have more readers on my blog on some days than a given book does and yet there is something about having a book that is, well, it is what I want. Also, getting paid something for writing wouldn’t totally suck.
Thank you for your strong, fierce and palpable encouragement. xo
Derfina:
Thank you and thank you for smooches. It is hard and scary and overwhelming and yet I keep writing in spite of myself.
Savvy Mode:Thank you for your very wise advice. I am happy that your friends finally succeeded. They must have been so happy to finally get what you want.
Materfamilias:Thank you for that reminder. One of the mantras I say to myself over and over is Woody Allen’s”80 percent of success is just showing up.”
One of the things I LOVE about weasels is their extreme tenacity. I love how they won’t let go until they get what they want.
Yes,I have had resilience the last couple of years( thank you for seeing that) and for having a baby I was as tenacious as any weasel alive.
As soon as Lily is 100% potty trained you might find both of us on your porch sooner than you might imagine.
Sub-urbanrambler: Thank you, sweet you. I appreciate your encouragement.
Miss Janey: Writing is easy; Rejection is hard. Do you think there are people who think that the opposite is true? Le sigh.
Thank you for your hugs and your belief.xo
Anony: I wish I knew who you are, I would like to thank you by name or by psudonym. I appreciate your take on my writing. Yeah, I am honest about what I want. I know what I want and I feel a responsibility to the things I know to be true. I may not have what I want but I do have the wanting of it and that is mine.
Andromeda: I agree with Tessa. Tolerate is definitely not what I want. I want to be able to endure it and not have it capsize me. I think the goal of being able to survive it won’t require me to become a robot. Do you think?
Pretty Face: OMG!!! A well placed coma is VERY important. Thank you for pointing that out!!!!!:-))))
So sorry to see this today. (((hugs))) to you. To get to your rainbow you have to go through some rain. Hopefully the skies are clearing and your rainbow is about ready to make an appearance.
Top Surf:The bigger the storm the bigger the rainbow??? Gosh, I hope that is true.;-)
I’m sorry to read about your rejection. BUT… it sounds like you were speaking to the wrong agent. The right agent needs to publish the truth about infertility… not every book needs a fluffy ending. There are so many that feel like you and would like to read someone they can relate to.
Thank GAWD… you are continuing to write… you are a brillant writer!
BTW… should you decide to postpone our meeting… I totally understand.
My darling friend – I wish I had the right words. Sadly I don’t. I am very thankful you have a wonderful support system.
I send you quality coffee, a delicious pastry and fabulous shoes.
Many hugs for you.
I think you’re a brilliant writer, and I also think that this literary agent was crap. Who is she to tell you that your book needed a happy ending? That’s not how life works!
Many hugs to you, my friend.
“Give me your tired, your poor,
Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,
The wretched refuse of your teeming shore,
Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed, to me:
I lift my lamp beside the golden door…” – Emma Lazarus wrote “The New Colossus” in 1883 for an art auction in aid of a fund to build the Statue of Liberty. The words are engraved on the statue, a reminder of how the rejected of the world are supposed to be treated…
Meanwhile, I’d love to offer you a simple but huge hug LB! ~SMILES*
Hang in there Belette. If you believe in your writing than find another publisher to propose the book to.
If Paris Hangover can get published (which by the way, my secret Valentine Minister of X is portrayed in the book), then your story can too. You have a tale to tell that will move people. Bisous!
dear la belette, I am so depressed and now this! I am weeping along with you as I read…I think this is about loss for you as is your story that was rejected~so incredibly painful … you were very courageous to put yourself and your story of this incredible loss out there…I have no words but lots of love and hugs…I would bring you chocolates if I could…you must just lay down(like you have been), let the pain wash over you as much as it needs to, let he-weasel take care of things, and know eventually you will write again AND be published…don’t give up! you have a wonderful talent~ it is a great gift to reach into the heart and speak to it directly…this agent may not like that, I imagine most don’t, but there will be one who will listen and not be too afraid to go “there”….personally happy endiings are not for me, REAL endings are……it will happen for you someday. and of course, keep talking to Igor, he is a marvel…
Girlfriend!
It is SUCH a good sign that you already have broken your promise not to write. ;^)
I love that there’s a man out there in Beverly Hills who talks like a vampire and thinks I am “vize.” Can you please give him my husband’s phone number?
And I’m so very glad today is better than yesterday.
Okay, so for tonight: “Wayne’s World” and “Swingers.”
Why “Swingers?”
Because you’re money, Baby. You’re so money and you don’t even know it.
Love and (((hugs)))
Anna
PS – Okay, your word verification word is “obambodu,” which happens to be my personal mantra. Coincidence? I think not.
Fifi Flowers: Thank you. I know I am not everyone’s cup of tea. I too would have preferred a happy ending too—but I didn’t get one and a lot of people also don’t get one.
Lily and I will be there. We are sooooo looking forward to meeting you and thank you in person!!
Belette, Morrissey will be on “Friday Night with Jonathan Ross” on BBC2 in a few minutes!!! I so wish you could get it (mauve you can???)!!! If not have a look on this site tomorrow: http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006m99d – you should be able to watch the programme. Got to go. Ciao. Antonella
Dear Belette,
This is indeed tragic news. I feel your pain and anguish and wish there was something I could do to make it go away.
You are resilient – you have gone through countless efforts to have a child and have not succeeded, yet you are still standing and writing and laughing and loving – if that is not resilience – what is?
You are strong, yes at this moment you feel weakened and hopeless, but we all support you and want you to succeed.
Your book is your baby – and this rejection is another loss – like waiting to see if the ivf had worked.
Igor is right and he is wise and I’m glad that you have found him and he will help you realise that you are already resilient.
Lots of love and hugs and pbc.
Kitten:Thank you for your support, encouragement and heart-felt well wishes.It really helps. Hugs.:-)
Kristen: Thank you, sweets, for the coffee, chocolate eclair and gorgeous shoes—-and the hugs and sincere concern.xo:-)
LENORENEVERMORE: I wouldn’t put myself in the same class of those who have suffered oppression, cruelty and discrimination but I appreciate the sentiment.
I’ll take the smiles and the hugs:-)
La Mom:I don’t know Paris Hangover. Did you write it? I am off to Amazon.com
Linda:I am sorry to hear that you are depressed too. I must come over to your blog and check in. I share the hugs, the chocolate and Lily with you.
I am very lucky to have such a lovely weasel who is such a great support.He has been amazing. And, Igor is soooo good.
Thank you, dear Linda,for your heartfelt encouragement. I am so lucky to have such wonderful friends.
Anna: My promises to myself are rarely kept such as “I will never eat chocolate again.”
Igor will not make phone calls unless you pay him the $200, not even to talk about “vise” you.
You ought to write a book about cinema therapy. You are great at writing rx’s for the perfect movie.
Thanks for everything!!!xo:-0
Yuk
How utterly horrible for you.
Lots and lots of love and a huge hug.
xx
Antonella: Thank you for the tip. I will check out the link tomorrow. Enjoy Morrissey for me!!!:-)
Imogen: Thank you for your wise words, love, hugs,encouragement and peanut butter cups.xo
Katyboo1: It suckity-sucks-sucks. Thanks for the love.
I get it. In the academic world we are used to rejections, even though we’re really never used to them. Your book will find its audience.
BOO’S MUMMY HAMMIE HERE. I CAN’T TYPE THE BAD WORDS AS BOO IS WAITING TO BLOG BUT **** IT ANYWAY. REJECTION IS SHUCKS.
XX
Miss Cavendish:Rejection sucks and no matter how much we go through it the sucking remains.
Boo’sblog: Thank you, Hammie! It does indeed shcuck and suck.;-)
Hello, most rejected writer on Earth to Belette Rouge: Every no will get you closer to a yes.
Writers who don’t get published are those who stop writing
Publishers are not in the business of finding talent, they’re in the business of selling book to the greatest masses, alas.
What readers gets from great writing is not a happy ending, but a way to put their own suffering into words.
I guess it’s easy for me to say this, since I have been rejected by every agent I approached. (about 100 of them, pass the Captain Crunch.) See, no happy ending there so it helps ME that you’ve put my agony into words.
Corine:You are wise and perserverant and I sooooo admire your INCREDIBLE perserverance.I am not sure you manage it. When we meet will you tell me how you do it?
I think that it is unlikely I will quit writing. But whether publishers will see how sellable my work is, that is another matter altogether. I would hope that my blog would demonstrate that.
I hope that many publishers and agents will come and read your comment and that you believe I can put agony into words for other people. I think I can do that.
Shut up!!! 100 agents???? You are a super-hero. I don’t have a 1/4 of your strength. I have a huge box of Captain Crunch and big couch on. Come on over.
addlea
This was a v. timely post for me to read as I am currently struggling with Rejection, but in a different way from you.
The top-selling book in Australia in 2007 was called 'Spotless'. It was a book about How to Remove Stains. Sadly, it spurned a whole new spate of Stain Removing Books. I'm sure some bookshops now have a separate section called 'Stain Removal.'
I'm sure this says something about the current worldwide state of The Book Industry.
Loved the suggestions for films to watch, particularly 'Rushmore' which has always been a Firm Favourite. I also love 'Harold & Maud'.
Best wishes
Sue
Sue:Rejections of all kinds are horrible. I hate all kinds of rejection and I am sorry you are feeling it too.
Spot removal? I cannot compete with spot removal. No wonder the agent didn’t want me. Damn, I cannot even get a ball point pen off of my husband’s shirts.
Film, food, friends and sleep are the best for dealing with rejection, as is an adorable dog with a face that melts your heart. Also, I recommend to all undergoing rejection to book an appt. with Igor and lovely blog friends to write you lovely notes.xo
Books with redemptive endings are overrated. You’re not writing Chicken Soup For the Infertile Soul so I’m with Igor: don’t change it just because one agent didn’t think it was upbeat enough. Infertility DOES suck, and it would be silly and disingenuous to pretend otherwise.
Iheartfashion: Gosh, I wish an agent would come and read everything you all wrote.
I couldn’t agree with you more.Redemptive endings are not satisfying because they are so rare in life. According to psychoanalytic theory hope is sadistic. I really get that.
I think I am going to quote you if I ever get the nerve to send my proposal out again, “Infertility DOES suck, and it would be silly and disingenuous to pretend otherwise.” Thanks, Iheart.xo
Ooooh GOOD! I will be there!
Oh, I’m so sorry. But mark my words, that Agent Without A Clue will be kicking herself a year from now for passing up your book.
And I’m so glad Igor gets it. He’s a treasure.
Screw the agent. F_ck her. Self-publish. Raise the opinion of yourself above the highest mountain top, up beyond the clouds and moon and stars. Your writing is brilliant. Do not wait any longer for outside approval. Agents are so ‘old school’ now. A lot like dinosaurs. Soon to be extinct. They do not control you or the publishing world or writers anymore…didn’t they get the memo?… nor do they have the power to suffocate you. Kick ass and self-publish. WE will (all) buy it and promote it and you will have a best seller darling. Won’t that piss her off. I’m sorry, but I no longer accept this type of reality any more. It is a new frontier. We are Blazing the Trails…We are the NEW Blazing Saddles..with even better fart scenes. LPXO
Will you tell me the trick to building resilience? Because I really don’t know what it is. The most resilient people I meet are evil narcissists who should go burn in hell. Can you tell I recently had a bad experience?
Fifi Flowers: I cannot wait.
Deja Pseu:Thank you!!! Should I ever publish my book I will have a party and I will invite every agent/editor who has rejected me. I am sure they won’t come but it will be fun to send them the invitation.
LIBERTY POST EDITOR: Really, you think? I have been very closed to the idea of self publishing but there is something about your comment that made me think that maybe I should consider it.
I wish the agent had the same opinion of my writing that you do. Are you sure you don’t want to be an agent? No, but I wouldn’t want you to move into the realm of the dinosaurs.
You are an incredible cheerleader and every time I have an impulse to re-read the rejection note I will read your comment instead. Thank you sooooooooo much!!!:-))
WendyB: As soon as I learn how to manage it I will post the recipe for resilience on my blog. No, I will sell the recipe(but I will give you the recipe at cost). I need to start charging for the wisdom that I am paying Igor to give me.
I am so sorry you have recently encountered an evil resilient narcissist who should burn in hell.
I wish I had something constructive to offer, but I’m hiding behind my own thin skin at the moment
Hang in there.
x
Michelle:I wonder if there is a skin cream that can thicken our skin. If so I am buying a vat of it.
xo
So sorry to hear of this rejection and happy you were feeling better after reading everyone’s great comments.
Western cultures just aren’t good at death and grief. I think this is gradually changing, but there’s still waaaaaaay too much of “time to move on” and “just get over it” b.s.
In the short time I’ve read your blog, I’ve learned so much more than I ever knew before about the grief of infertility. And I thought I was a relatively sensitive person, and know people close to me who have had to deal with it. But it’s YOUR writing that’s helping all of us understand and empathize and ‘get it’ (as much as we can if we haven’t lived through it), and be not as clueless as we likely were before. That is a rare gift you are giving us with your writing. And you tell a story like no-one else, in your own unique voice.
I’ve read many times that writers must expect rejection, it’s part of being a writer, yada yada yada. This post was also great writing about rejection. You are sooooo good at describing what these experiences FEEL like and that’s why lots of people are going to buy your book(s) sooner rather than later.
Cheers from one of your fans Down Under.
I am coming to this late in the day and I hope you are feeling better and more optimistic by now. Still I wanted to add my hugs to the rest!
Rejection is just crap.
You, however, seem to me to be far from someone who cannot deal with set backs. I think you are strong and resiliant and that you will get through this as you have so many other difficult things. I love your writing, as clearly many, many others do. Just keep on doing what you do. You WILL have your book in borders one day, even if it probably wont be read by as many people who read and enjoy your blog every day! (Except that we will all go out and buy it, of course!) Hang on in there honey, and hope you are feeling much brighter today. x
Happy Valentine Day to you and your loved ones; may your heart find love and serenity.