I remember reading somewhere that when Madonna has a major disappointment she gives herself two days to feel like crap and then she gets her well defined glutes back to the gym, and to Gyrotonics, and then a quick high-colonics. I am no Madonna. It often takes me two-three weeks and maybe more depending on the disappointment or rejection and my normal probably looks a lot like what Madonna considers to be full on slacking.
It has been only five days since my rejection and thanks to all of you I am feeling much-much-much better. I cannot thank you enough for your incredible comments, tremendously insightful and hope inspiring emails and all around loveliness.
Because of your kindness and encouragement I am off the couch and off the Cap’n Crunch Crackberry Crack habit before it was too late and I was a full on Crunchberry Beast with a four bowl a day habit on a corn syrup high writing poems of praise to my Cap’n:
“O Captain! my Captain! My cereal is done.
The dish is in the top rack and the prize in box is none.
The store is near, the delivery truck’s motor I wait to hear.
My stomach hollow seeks the carbs of Cappy’s berry crunch.
But O stomach! Stomach! Stomach!
I crave your berries as if crack.
Where on the shelf my Captain lied
now only oatmeal can be spied.
I am done with sweets and out of sweats and into jeans and sweaters. I haven’t cried in days and have even left the house. And, thanks to wonderful friends I even have this strange emotion I have heard some describe as hope and optimism.
My thanks to my following friends is even greater, if less poetry inducing, than to the Cap’n:
1. WendyB for so many reasons.
a) For believing in me.
b) For inspiring me to sit down and write an outline to a novel.
c) For starting an incredible Twitter viral marketing campaign with K.Line. You both made my heart a pitter with your very supportive and traffic inducing Twitters. Sorry, I am still coming down from the Cap’n crunch. Corn syrup and artificial berry flavors bring out the corny poet in me. But, seriously, when I saw your Tweets and Re-Tweets I was touched beyond what I can say in haiku or iambic pentameter. Thank you both so much. Hey, was that more than 140 characters?
d) For much more including saying:”You don’t have to give people hope if you can make them laugh. That generates empathy right there.” As Igor would say, “Vendy eez vise!”
Please, Wendy, in all your free time, would you be my agent? I feel like I could do anything including make my way to Oprah’s couch and the New York Time’s Best-Seller List if I was working with you.
2. Kirie for the kind of email every writer should get after a rejection. Really, I wish every writer could have a friend who is one half incredible cheerleader( the kind of cheerleader who takes it really seriously and goes to summer camp for cheer and wins competitions and could turn around any game with her cheering) and one half fierce protector and defender of you when you are too weak to defend yourself.
3. He-weasel for making me a pan of Hershey’s extra chocolate brownies. They are particularly medicinal when eaten directly hot out of the pan with vanilla ice cream on top.
4. Carolyn See for the kick in the ass email in which she said:”When an agent or magazine or book publisher or reviewer rejects you, you IMMEDIATELY take out your best stationery and write them a nice thank you note. Nine lines, three paragraphs, no insults, say you’ll try them again for as long as you live, and you plan to live a long time. Take it to the mail box IMMEDIATELY drop it in, walk home and pour yourself a drink. YOU WILL FEEL BETTER IMMEDIATELY.” Thank you letters, according to Carolyn, “are like Vicodin.” She is right. As soon as I wrote the thank you letter on my gorgeous La Belette Rouge stationary and mailed it and had a large Scotch I felt much better.
5. Christopher Orcutt for his generous email in which he helped me see that everything I have been told in books about submitting to agents is wrong. Thanks to Chris when I am ready to send out again I will not write a well researched and personalized letter for each agent but a one size fits all letter that I will send to all agents. Instead of sending out one proposal at a time as agents self-servingly recommend, I will send to 10-15 agents at a time so as to up my odds.
Also, Chris gave me my new mantra: “Don’t worry about getting an agent. Don’t worry about getting published. You are a writer. You WILL be published. Just make sure you’ll be READ.” That mantra kicks “Om’s” ass.
6. Thanks to Chris I signed up for Publishers Marketplace.com. This small action made me feel more like a professional writer instead of a total failure who would never-ever-ever write again. For $20 a month to have the hope that I might be discovered without a query is so worth it and it is tax deductable business expense should I ever make any money as a writer.
7. Make do style for being a fierce friend who believes in me and is not afraid to say naughty words to get me back on track. Between Wendy B and Make do I am emboldened to try fiction. I have long been afraid of fiction and I officially gave fiction up over 10 years ago. In just one weekend these two fashion powerhouses made me think I might be able to manage it.
8. Anna Lefler for everything, especially for the Undercover Brother suggestion. I would have never rented it without you. I learned a lot from Anna, not the least being that laughter and massage and time will make all things better.
9. Lily for all the licks. Licks are less drying and more moisturizing than Kleenex.
Thank you so much for all you did to get me out of the squirrel pajamas, away from Bravo realty TV, and back to writing. I cannot thank you enough except to say thank you.
*Cap’n Crunch is a crap cereal filled with high-fructose corn syrup and artificial flavors.