So, I went to see Igor yesterday, as I do. And, I sat there feeling strangely uncomfortable with what I had to tell him. See the thing is that I was not feeling altogether like total crap. I warned him that I had an unusual feeling. I told him that I thought I was joyful. I said it in such labored tones that I made him laugh. I immediately jumped to clarify:
“No, I am not joyful. That may be overstating it a bit.” He tried to understand the distinction I was about to make and adjusted his pose in his chair making himself ever more ready for the nuanced distinction of my emotional experience.
“Maybe I am happy.” I said sounding mildly anxious and a bit confused; I somehow worked into the sentence a tonal question mark when what I seemed to be saying was a statement of fact rather than an inquiry seeking affirmation or negation.
As soon as I said happy and it was just sitting in the room reverberating I started to panic, “No, that isn’t it.” The word happy felt too much, too far and just a bit disorienting. “actually,” I clarified, “I am feeling mildly hedonic.”
Igor’s laughter grew into a bellow. I laughed along with him as I got the joke.
We spent the next 15 minutes talking about how I managed to go almost an entire week feeling “hedonic”. I explained that I had been bombarded with good things and that unlike other times when I could usually figure out how the good thing was really a bad thing and how it would likely be taken away from me there hadn’t been time to do that—the good things just kept coming at me.
“It was just one good thing after the other and so even though I really tried I just couldn’t get myself depressed, there were just too many good things,” I explained.
” I am sure you did. I am very sure that you tried.”Igor laughed with an acknowledging tone as I watched him imagine all of my mental gymnastics to get back into my homeostasis.
I went onto explain when that didn’t worked I called a member of my family who I could always count on to make me feel like crap about any good thing in my life. Usually I can count on this person to take me from happiness to despondency in a five minute phone call. Only it didn’t work. So in a desperate attempt I called an old friend who has a bit of the Eeyore to her and a good dose of envy and she did do several chorus of “lucky you” and “poor me” only this time it didn’t make me feel depressed and my hedonia remained even after our chat. I felt temporary invincible.
So after we established my hedonic state Igor asked about the things that made me not altogether unhappy:
1. The Westie and how happy I am that we are getting her—and how lovely Fifi and Alicia were in helping us get our furry child.
2. Having lovely times with lovely friends. Wendy’s lovely dinner party, lunch with Leah, and the museum with Enc .
3. The lovely note of encouragement I got from Carolyn See.
4. That phase one of my book proposal is close to being done.
5. That is feels like things may be changing for the better.
6. Chris Orcutt’s fabulous post of on preparing for success and how it inspired me.
7. That it’s cold. It is 45 in Valencia. Or, as brilliant Karen quoted the TV weather report “It is so cold in Valencia that residents are reportedly wearing hats.”
8. The final one on my list was shocking, at least to me, and I didn’t think of it until well after I left Igor’s. I was walking around Beverly Hills with all the chic and well-heeled shoppers and there was a kind of fun and kinetic holiday energy on the streets and I found myself enjoying walking and window shopping and I looked at the sky and it was blue, the air was cold, the mountains were gorgeous and I thought to myself something I may have never thought before, “it is a beautiful day in L.A. and I am glad I’m here, I think”.
I know, that’s serious.
Just a reminder for those interested, only eight days until our wee Westie arrives in L.A. Le sigh!
