This a.m. I took my seventh dose of Wellbutrin and here is the update on how I am doing. In several days I have not had that feeling like I am in a psychic elevator going down-down-down with no stop in sight. So, yeah, that is a good thing. And, I am not crying( that is also very good)and so my eyes do not look like water logged pink sea anemones that are immune to the healing power of eye masks.
As of Wednesday I felt good enough to shower, washed my hair and had the enormous psychic and physical strength required to flat iron it. Once I saw how good my new red hair looked I was emboldened to do my full skin care regimen which is really good because just a week of no Patricia Wexler Anti-aging Skincare routine, very little water, no exercise and no foods that are rich in vitamin content and I am starting to look like one of those dehydrated apple carvings you see sold at old timey general stores. You know the ones, carved up, dried up and emaciated apple dumpling gang: There’s Ma,Pa, the kids, and even dried up apple teacher, cop and apple doctor who all could have benefited from some Renova, a bottle of smart water and some Anthelios SPF 40.
I have lost some weight, I am not sure how much as I refuse to own a scale. How I know I have is the Gap skirt that arrived fell off me when I tried it on. I had tried the very same skirt int he very same size at my local store and it fit perfectly( i.e. it would have been great if I lost 5 pounds and wore a pair of Spanx) . Yes, I will complain about having to deal with the exchange. If I was not feeling melancholy I would be over the moon that I had lost some weight and had gone down a size. But, over the moon is something I am not feeling these days.
Eating has not been something I have felt like doing. My diet is limited to fresh raspberries, Pirate Booty, Yoplait yogurt,and some macaroni and cheese He-weasel made in attempt to rouse my appetite. But, I just don’t feel like eating. I know this is one of the diagnostic criteria for depression—and I am sure that once the Wellbutrin has had some time to work I will once again be eating full meals.
And, I am not dressing, this is my biggest shame and something I didn’t want to admit to you. I just hate to admit that my White Brooks Brother’s terry cloth bathrobe is my constant comfort couture that I am wearing during this emotionally dark season. I do have He-weasel call me to tell me when he is on his way home and I then find my way to the bathroom and wash my face and brush my teeth and do something with my hair so I don’t look like a crazy person and then I enter the closet and find an outfit that I can tolerate to wear. Comfort is key when dressing to depress.
All this said, I am feeling better. It is good to not be crying. It is good to not feel like the grief will take over any time and floor me. It is not good to have no libido to get out or to do anything. I have made some idol self threats about going to the grocery store or the post office today. I am not sure it will happen. But, maybe in the next seven days I will feel a little better.
You are on the road to feeling more “normal” (whatever that means), I’m sure of it. Just doing your hair and threatening to go shopping for food are fabulous metaphors for depression lift-off. It takes a while to dis-integrate. It will take a while to re-integrate, but it will happen. And your diet has actually been pretty healthy for a depressed person. Some comfort, some plant matter. Maybe some cheese and fancy crackers are calling to you? Maybe a little french pastry could find its way into your morning?
Comfort is key when dressing to depress.
I don’t have a Terry Cloth bathrobe, but I think my Cleveland Browns sweatpants suffice.
I think this is where I make a snarky comment about crazy appearances and that you can be glamorously crazy or crazily glamorous.
Pretend it was witty and laugh. See, you don’t need no stinkin’ pills with us around.
I’ve got an idea. Sign up for one of those CD clubs and forget to decline your order. Then you’ll have something to mail back, lest you pay 27.98 after shipping.
Hang in there, LBR. It sounds like you’re on the road to feeling better. Give the Wellbutrin some more time, and you’ll find yourself enjoying eating and getting dressed again. Sending you a hug,
Janet
I have one of those white terry robes but it is a black poly/lycra/spandex, calf-length, slip/shift with no seams. Le Framéricain has not seen me in anything else for 19 months since I went all Princess & the Pea on him.
I am really glad to hear that you are beginning to feel better, day by day.
I am interrupting my panic attack cycle with .25 bid clonazepam for 30 days. I've cut back my work schedule to 60%, gotten a psychologist-in-training AND a LCSW, just hedging my bets, and am also feeling better.
To top it all off, my reading of arcane material has finally led to a site where menopausal women are asking one another about the mysterious "buzzing" that could have convinced me to just go straight to Thorazine, if I wasn't so damm pig-headed about actually being diagnosed and treated for what I have vs what is convenient for the AMA.
Amitiés, Belette!
K.line: Thank you so much for your comment. I started to freak out that there was too much information in this post and I should go find a Youtube video to replace it with. Maybe a cute puppy and kitty or something.
I so appreciate you saying that about my diet. I have received a lot of grief from a certain weasel about my eating. I was feeling good about the raspberries. Sure, there are no Omega3 fatty acids in Pirate Booty but I don’t care about hat right now.;-)
I do feel better than I did last Friday and hopefully in 7 days I will feel better still.
Thanks K-line for your comment and always gentle encouragement.:-)
Randal: I think that to really dress to depress you have to wear something that you would not wear outside. I am guessing those sweats have been outside before. Am I wrong?
All the yuk-yuk’s do help. If I am laughin’ I am not crying. So keep up the funny( no pressure).;-)
I have the stuff ot mail back to Gap and I have the Netflix dvd that I have not mailed back in a month because I cannot find a mailbox in our new condo. They do have a very tiny mailbox which will take postcard sized mail and I was warned by another tenant that she doesn’t trust that mailbox. So I best not order any CD’s.
Janet: Thanks, Sweets! I know I am better off than I was seven days ago and that is why I am frustrated that I cannot get out or dresses. A week ago I was too sad to care. It is progress. Thanks for the hug.
xo
La belle b
I know what it’s like to have the black dog of depression biting at your Louboutins (wish I owned a pair). With a little bit of help from our chemical friends and maybe a visit to your wise old therapist, things will get improve.
Take some comfort in that you have become so important to your friends.
Wish I had something warm, witty and wise to add – cause you deserve it mon amie.
I’m glad to hear that you are feeling at least a little bit better. Everything good always takes time time. And everything bad always comes unexpectedly and fast as all holy get-out.
I think using a flat iron on your hair is a HUGE step! I could never bother myself with using one when I had longer hair…even in a good state of mind.
HUGS!!!
LFA:I admire your strength to stay in the robe when your LFA is around. I am overtaken with shame, even though He-weasel does nothing to constellate the shame. The shame is all my own.
I am glad you have found some support and medications that are helping with your anxiety. Your mileage may vary, but when I was TTC and going through IVF or any other physical illness I found that the message boards only made me feel worse. You may be feeling validated by hearing other’s experience. But for me it only made me feel worse.
Hope you continue to feel better and find some peace.
xo
Anony: Thanks for your sweet note. I am so sorry that you know the black dog. That is not an acquaintance I would wish on anyone.
Truly, I want to thank you for taking to the time to reach out and leave such a heartfelt comment.
xo
Shar:I wish there was another planet on which the good came fast and the bad came slow. I would like to relocate to that planet.;-)
I did think it was a really big step. But, when I look as bad as I feel sometimes I just have to do something or I feel that the two badnesses will combine forces and things will get worse. Does that make any sense at all?
Thank you, I take those hugs and send you back hugs!!!
Inch by inch, La Bel. I’m glad you’re getting better.
xx
Now if I could drop by I’d come round get you dressed and whisk you off to Patisserie Valerie, where we woudl eat macarrons, sip tea and debate Truffant.
Lots of love over the oceans xxx
oh sweetie, i hope you feel better soon.
Well sure they have, but my entire wardrobe is basically the same thing, slacker chic. I live on the edge like that.
I’ll try to come up with some more funnies. We’re in the midst of watching this in class, so I’ll see what I can come up with during this lighthearted farce.
You guys don’t even have one of those mail ‘room’s with the half-assed, sort of rectangular slots that hold non-package-y mail? That’s pretty damn cheap of those jokers.
Enc: Thanks, honey.xo
Make do: If you were here, I’d let you. That sounds lovely.xo
Savvy: As ENC said, inch by inch.xo
Randal:Hey, you are in college. So you are entitled to have a wardrobe you can sleep in.;-)
Ooh, it is hard to be funny when you are watching movies about Nazis.
There are dozens of teeny-tiny mail slots that seriously look like they were intended for micro-mail. It is totally ridiculous.
You need to do whatever you need in order to feel like yourself again. If it takes a case of Pirate’s Booty, then so be it. I would also recommend vitamin water. Tastes good and has a ton of vitamins in it, so you can at least get some nutrition to keep you going for when you feel like yourself again. And you will, it just takes time. And lots of love and friends.
You didn’t get in this hole overnight, and you’re not going to get out of it overnight — but you are definitely on your way back up. (Sorry, I hope that wasn’t a depressing thing for me to say. I just meant that it will take time.) All of those little steps away from the darkness count and add up to returning to your old, true self. Keep it up. You’re doing a fabulous job.
xoxo –
M.
P.S. You might feel better about your diet (which sounds not so bad, all things considered) if you’d add some vitamins and supplements in there.
M.
Kaili:I think you hit on something really imporatnat. I don’t feel like myself. For so may years I was trying to become a mother and now I am not. For years I was in college/graduate school and then working–so I had that identity. I think living in L.A.I feel very disconnected from who I used to be when I lived here. So, I think part of the process is redefining myself and that is hard.
I will have He-weasel pick me up some Vitamin water on his way home. What flavor do you like?
Thanks for the sweet note.:-)
M: I have almost taken this post down several times as I feel like I am wining again. I suppose that is the depression talking.
But, it is so nice that hear that you all hear progress.
I am not sure why but I cannot get myself to take supplements. I think my stomach is still adjusting to the Wellbutrin.
Hugs,
xo
It takes awhile for the meds to kick in. The lack of appetite also could be a combination of the depression and the meds.
Soon, you will be feeling much better. I, too, took the plunge and got back on my Zoloft.
Depression is no fun. It does hurt. And I understand your post more than you know.
Thanks for posting about it.
HUGS,
CC
PS. the thing I don’t like about being on anti-depressant, is that sometimes after you’ve been on it for awhile, and you have a real reason to cry, you can’t.
i went through what you are going through about 6 years ago, hit me with a ton of bricks, for no reason. It was the worst ever and I never ever want to feel that way again…thank god for lexipro, it saved my life…but it took about 3 weeks to kick in. I remember waking up one day and my life was sunny instead of cloudy and gray. Hang in there…it will get better.
After reading Juicy Pear’s comment, it reminded me of when I went on Lexipro. After a couple weeks of being in my pj’s, no makeup ever, not going outside….I just started singing. SINGING! I was walking around the house singing, and then it hit me…..it’s working!!!!!
Keep going Belette – the fact that you want to make the effort of dressing for your he weasel is a very good sign. You obviously have so many well wishers, that must be a constant encouragement.
I am sending you a virtual hug.
OJL: I am so sorr you went through that. But, I am glad it was only a short time( actually, today three weeks feel like a very long time).
I do wish I could sleep more and the I would just wake up when the sunny feelings return. But, I seem to have the non-sleepy kind of complicated grief and major depression. I know Wellbutrin takes 3-4 weeks to reach full effect. The first day I took it I felt a sense of relief that I knew I would stop crying soon. That placebo effect was short lived.
I know it will change. But, it is so good to hear that reassurance.
xo
CC:It is so comforting to hear that before Zoloft you too were in your house in pj’s with no makeup. Thanks, CC, for sharing that with me. It helps to hear that.
Really, thanks CC and everyone who has shared their own experience with depression and medication. It really helps to hear your stories.:-)
C.A.I have to say that I felt a bit self-conscious about my post after I read your story. But, I know that pain is pain and it cannot be compared. But, I so admire your strength and ability to blog so honestly about your experience.
And, you are so right. It is a great comfort to have such lovely bloggy friends and so much encouragement.
He-weasel knows I am hurting and it would be totally okay with him if I didn’t change for him. But, it makes me feel worse to not even dress( even if it is only for a few hours).
Huge hug to you. So glad you found my blog and that I found yours.xo
CC:I have read that it lack of appetite is common on Wellbutrin. And, as I could afford to lose some weight that is fine with me.
I am so sorry you understand this. Really, I wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
I do hope that somebody stumbles on this post who is on the fence about medication. Because I do think it has made a difference and it has only been a week.
I am not sure if it is only because it is week one, but I am still able to cry when necessary. I did this a.m.
Thanks so much, CC, for sharing your experience. It really is nice to know that I am not the only one who had endured this.
feel better! if nothing works- concoct a dance for and about your favorite architecture: one, a billowing gehry based on the twirling dervish– and find your center.
GO!
I’m glad you’re feeling like there might be a tiny chink of light at the end of the tunnel. Unless they’ve been depressed it’s hard for people to understand, as it’s not like you have some cankerous sore that you can show people that they will say – wow that must hurt – and feel sorry for you.
Sometimes I never want to get out of my soft and warm hot pink bathrobe, and I’m not even depressed.
You still seem to have more life than I would expect, given your condition.
One day at a time.
Hugs xx
I’m sorry you are feeling so blue..when I feel depressed, yoga tends to help me. I know you don’t feel like going out, but perhaps a little exercise might help? A walk maybe?
Just an idea.
(((((cyberhugs))))
Nancy
It sounds like you are making huge steps! It usually takes about 2 full weeks (or even a bit more) for the medicine to start making you feel completely on the road to recovery). Here’s to happier thoughts and experiences in the road to come! You deserve it! Have a good weekend!
glad you are feeling better!!! I think it will just get better and better from now on!
*I went through a depression/anxiety bout for a good 5 or more years …and I worked from home at the time and actually stopped leaving the house…and I wore the same sweats day in and day out …and some days, I didn’t even shower …okay …for many days I wouldn’t …I didn’t see the point
You are on your way out
Oh ma belle, how I can understand you…
I’m so glad you’re feeling better.
Having some pleasure in taking care of yourself is such a good thing, like doing your hair, feels that you’re having life’s pleasure.
Someone depressed normaly don’t want to eat ( I always lose weight when depressed), but you must eat some helthy food, because you need straign.
I’m so glad you’re feeling a bit better, but take it easy because things don’t get better with just a click, take your time.
I’m with you, with my prayers and thoughts and sending good vibrations.
Much love dear
Big hug
xoxo
Oh and it feels good to write about this things, it’s like a catarse, so keep writing and also keep smiling
xx
as what they just said, i’m also glad that somehow you’re feeling better. at least you still got the chance to write these things down. i usually hide my depression from anyone and just cry alone. i sometimes hide it in my writing. i just cannot express it.
anyway, i’ve got a LOVE award for you. hope it helps to make you more feel better. though i’m just one of those who love you. =]
SUR: I don’t think even Martha Graham could create a dance that would adequately express the grandeur of the Getty. And, I think I am an inverse whirling dervish. Total chaos on the inside and absolute stillness on the outside.
Thanks for your sweet well-wishes. I will feel better soon.:-)
IMogen: No, and I think,for the most part, people prefer you to mask your depression as they just don’t know what to do for you and they want you to feel better so they start saying unhelpful things like”cheer up” or “you have your limbs.”
I hate having to go out when I feel like this and mask it. It physically hurts. And, I do have a social obligation I cannot get out of and I am dreading it.
So sweet of you to share that you have your own robe days. I bet you look lovely in pink! Even though I don’t look good in white my oversized heavy terry robes is one of my favorite things in my closet.
I seem to have a survival impulse and a resilience that I never thought I had. It has been so much and mostly, more than sad, I feel just so tired(and not sleepy tired). I appreciate your reflecting back that you see more life in me than you’d expect. It is nice to hear.
I thank you, Imogen, for commenting today. Really, I am so grateful to everyone. It was so scary to post this.
Hugs.
xo
Nancy:I am sure a walk would help. Maybe this weekend I will get out. I know it would be good for me.
Thanks, Nancy, for your comment, very good suggestion and the warm hug.
xo
Paula: It is progress.Thank you so much, Paula!!I hope you have a good weekend!
Maegan:I am so very sorry you suffered so long. Meagan, gosh, 5 years is a really long time. It sounds like it was a really hard time. Huge hugs to you.
Thank you, Maegan, so much for sharing your experience. I am grateful that so many of you shared your stories with me. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it.
xo
Seeker: It is amazingly difficult to move. Everything seems to hurt. And, taking a shower felt like running a mile. But once I did and saw my hair looking wild I had to so something with it. I did feel a little better once it was done. Sadly, that did not stick.
I so hope that in a week from today I will be much further along than I am today.
Thank you so much for your prayers, good vibes, hugs, and very sweet comment.
Abraços e beijos
xo
Autumn: It really does help to write about it and to have so many lovely friends who are so supportive. I am lucky. I am sorry you feel like you have to hide your sadness. I feel sure that there are a lot of people( at least on your blog) who could handle your tears. I know how much your readers care about you. It is obvious.
A LOVE award, for me? Thank you so much, Autumn!!!It does feel great to get so much love for my blog. Huge hug and lots of love to you.
xo
I am glad you are feeling a little better and sharing my love of Pirate Booty.
Sounds as if there’s the tiniest glimmer way off in the distance — might be the way out of the tunnel? Impressive that you can find the energy and enthusiasm to make your depression sound funny! Remember that comforting tea and cookies are always available chez Mater . . . and hugs!
I’ve not showered, dressed and done my hair since yesterday – and you know it’s because I had to as I work now, if not I’d be no different than you! Heck Roy’s coming back from golfing in a moment and I don’t even care to look good, hahah!!
Am seconding k.line.
…one day at a time…baby crawl…then steps…then jog…dash… I've been there too, hope u'd feel better each day. Depression (chronic!) is part of my family tree… I must do it on purpose to find joy everyday. Happiness is so temporary(very happy when i shop!!! 2 hrs?), joy is eternal!
PEACE & JOY to you dear!
Lovely weekend to u & hubby*
I am so glad you are feeling better. I don’t understand people’s criticism of pharmaceutical intervention. Well, obviously they have never been to the great black abyss. I lost 40 lbs when I was there.
Sometimes you have to take life minute by minute. I found it helped to make myself do one thing per day out of the house. You will get better, you already are
.
I don’t want to trivialise what you’re going through.
You will get through this.
Ah for me, even on good days I don’t get out of my bathrobe. Don’t take that too seriously. I believe it’s going to be a long journey. I don’t know of any antidepressant working its magic in a short time.
Take it slow, talk to your family and your partner and talk to us.
YAY!!! Glad you’re feeling better. One step at a time. . .
It’s amazing what a good hair washing can do for the psyche. Stay strong, and I’m sure you will begin to feel even better once you’ve been on Vitamin W for a few weeks.
xoxox,
CC
P.S. Thanks for your amazing comments and encouragement!!
You make it sound like I’m 21 and in Delta House. Thanks, I finally don’t feel old!
Who designed your place, the Lilliputians?
I hope you are feeling a little cheerier today
You sound a little better,Those meds will kick into full swing very soon.I think crying is great for the soul.Your getting everything out.As long as your eating something that is good.I live in my nightgown all day if I’m not going anywhere,thats good also.Just give yourself a little time it will all work out.Blogging saved me,It gives you new friends and to me a since of self.May God bless you,Marie Antionette
glad you’re feeling a tiny bit better. i hope the feeling of better grows and gets really big and overwhelming that you won’t know what to do with all the goodness…
little by little. when i’m down i just let go and do exactly what i want to do; lots of films, ice cream, music and magazines through the tears.
little by little…
gentle hugs for you dear belette!
WendyB: I heart Pirate Booty.:-)
honey, I’ve spent more years of my life than I care to admit depressed, and I was never brave enough to ask for help or take meds. So have He-W give you a big hug for me for being so strong.
I’ve been uber busy and have only been reading in ‘lumps’ … so today’s lump started with me reading all about architecture and your anniversary and them slam, whammo, bang, I read you are down there in that old familiar well, listening to time echoing through the depths and waiting for someone to lower the life ring! I cried a bit for you, dear. hang tough.
Mater:I so wish that this was a straight path. This weekend was a bit of a black abyss that I am not sure I could make funny. But, actually, I am so grateful that
when I write I am able to find some humour in even the darkest day.( sometimes that is the only time I can do it).
Believe me, nothing sounds lovelier to me than heading over to Chez Mater for cookies, tea and conversation. Le sigh!
Lynn:It is really great to hear that I am not the only one who has not showered and dressed.;-) And, I am sure that even when you don’t that you still look lovely!
Lenore:Thanks so much Lenore for your very nice note. Depression impacts so many families and it is so great that people feel more comfortable about it and removing the sense of secrecy and shame about it.
Trying to take your advice. The joy in today? Um…well, it isn’t hot and I have lovely blogging friends and I have nice coffee and great books to read. Yes, I do have things to be grateful for.
Julianne: Yeah, it does make me a bit crazy to hear the criticism of anti-depressants. You are so right, those who have been through it would never judge one for doing whatever it takes to get out of it. This weekend was rough and I started to doubt the medication is doing much good. But, I know it is still early.
I thought of your advice of trying to get out to do one thing a day. I took it to heart and I went to the library and forced myself out of the house yesterday. I might walk to the bookstore today. Thanks, Julianne. I so appreciate you sharing your experience with me.
Big hugs.
Songy: Why do pajamas and bathrobes feel soooo much better than regular clothes? Time goes a bit slow when one is depressed. When I feel great three-weeks goes really fast. Now, three weeks feels like forever. But, this too shall pass.
Thanks so much, Songy!:-)
Franco:Merci, mon amie!:-)
Carrie: Vitamin W! LOL! I love it. Yes, I am looking forward to it taking full effect. Good hair, Vitamin W and time will all help.
And, it is my pleasure. I am just amazed by your editorial eye, trend picking and great copy. Are you sure you don’t work for a magazine?
Randal:Wait. You mean you aren’t 21 and you don’t live in Animal House? I thought you just got married really young(14) and had the wife and the kids in the frat house with you. Damn. You have destroyed my illusion.;-)
Hee-hee!! Yes, mailing mail here is like being in Gulliver’s Travels. My letter is the size of the entire mail room.
Pretty Face: Today is better than yesterday. Thanks!
Marie Antoinette:My soul must be in detox with all the crying I have been doing lately. I know being in pj’s all day isn’t a bad thing–but I am going to try and get dressed this a.m. and see if it helps.
Without blogging I fear I would just be sleeping, reading, crying, sleeping, and channel surfing. I am so grateful for all the friendship and support. Thanks so much for writing. It means a lot to me.
L’air du temps:Oh, that would be so nice. I am really ready for some goodness to come in. I have had it with the sadness and suffering.
Like you do during sad times, I am doing whatever I want and not questioning it. Now is not a time to worry about nutrition or trying to read great literature. Now I am eating what I can and watching crap tv and trying to get through the day the best I can.
NJNRR:Like you, the black dog of depression has been with me a great deal of my life. I have spent years in analysis trying to get it off my lap and I have tried to get through it without meds. This time I could feel that I was about to break into a million little pieces. It was a little scary. I felt like I had to get some pharmaceutical strengthening to get through it. I am sort of proud of myself for knowing that. It is sort of strange paradox that taking medication can be an act of strength–when so many people think that taking medication is a sign of weakness.
It is funny, both you and OJL are still just a blog and an email away—but I miss you both since you have become official expats. It is so great to see you here and I am always so glad to see you whether in lumps or clumps or whatever.
Big hugs.