When I called my friend Loretta yesterday from my car I didn’t know why I was crying or why I felt that I might not stop. Loretta, being the dear friend that she is, explained to me that if I had moved just once or twice in the last year I might be feeling some grief and depression. She explained that it was totally normal and understandable that I was feeling as I do. She seemed to think that with all that I have endured in the last months that I was able to get up and dress and get to the gym was quite an accomplishment. She thought that now that things had calmed down and I was out of crisis mode that my psyche knew it was safe to grieve and hence the flood of feelings that had emerged. It was her belief that if I needed to see someone and/or if I needed to take some Wellbutrin to help deal with all that I had been through it would be alright.
She asked me to look in the rear view window at the friend she loved and tell her that she was loved. She asked me to pat myself on the back for being able to get up and get out and to call. She asked me to hug myself. She told me she loved me and I told her the same. Instead of doing the things she asked me to do I gathered my things and went into Peet’s and ordered a coffee, found a table and I began to write. I wrote this list of 22 reasons I have for feeling the way I do.
1) We moved from L.A. to Chicago.
2) We went through three rounds of painful, costly, torturous and soul stripping IVF.
3) We did not get pregnant.
4) He-weasel’s employer went out of business only six months after relocating us to Chicago.
5) We went through a heartbreaking failed adoption.
6) We did one more IVF as it seems my threshold for pain, suffering and disappointment is much greater than I could have ever imagined.
7) My first kitty died while I was in L.A. taking care of my mother.
8) A dear friend made a serious suicide attempt and nearly died. It was my job to betray my friend’s wishes and call her family and tell her that they had to act qucikly to save their daughter’s life.
9) The same week as #’s 7 and 8 my mother broke her back.
10) We moved into our dream house where we were sure we would spend the rest of our life and have children.
11) The same month as #’s 7,8,9, and 10 I learned that my best-friend was pregnant with her second child.
12) I resumed infertility treatment and underwent four rounds of IUI’s and took massive amounts of infertility medications that drained my body, mind and bank account.
13) I did not get pregnant. I did not get pregnant. I did not get pregnant. I did not get pregnant.
14) We gave up on having a baby.
15) He-weasel was offered a job in Texas that was too good not to take.
16) I got so sick with the flu that I ended up in the hospital just days before the movers came and emptied our house.
17) We moved to Texas. I gave up my job and moved far away from friends, family, and my dream house.
18) Shortly after we moved to Texas He-weasel was fired for no reason.
19) We had no income for six months.
20) We moved back to Southern California and lived with our in-laws for the summer.
21) Monsieur Inkey died.
22) We moved again.