When I called my friend Loretta yesterday from my car I didn’t know why I was crying or why I felt that I might not stop. Loretta, being the dear friend that she is, explained to me that if I had moved just once or twice in the last year I might be feeling some grief and depression. She explained that it was totally normal and understandable that I was feeling as I do. She seemed to think that with all that I have endured in the last months that I was able to get up and dress and get to the gym was quite an accomplishment. She thought that now that things had calmed down and I was out of crisis mode that my psyche knew it was safe to grieve and hence the flood of feelings that had emerged. It was her belief that if I needed to see someone and/or if I needed to take some Wellbutrin to help deal with all that I had been through it would be alright.
She asked me to look in the rear view window at the friend she loved and tell her that she was loved. She asked me to pat myself on the back for being able to get up and get out and to call. She asked me to hug myself. She told me she loved me and I told her the same. Instead of doing the things she asked me to do I gathered my things and went into Peet’s and ordered a coffee, found a table and I began to write. I wrote this list of 22 reasons I have for feeling the way I do.
1) We moved from L.A. to Chicago.
2) We went through three rounds of painful, costly, torturous and soul stripping IVF.
3) We did not get pregnant.
4) He-weasel’s employer went out of business only six months after relocating us to Chicago.
5) We went through a heartbreaking failed adoption.
6) We did one more IVF as it seems my threshold for pain, suffering and disappointment is much greater than I could have ever imagined.
7) My first kitty died while I was in L.A. taking care of my mother.
8) A dear friend made a serious suicide attempt and nearly died. It was my job to betray my friend’s wishes and call her family and tell her that they had to act qucikly to save their daughter’s life.
9) The same week as #’s 7 and 8 my mother broke her back.
10) We moved into our dream house where we were sure we would spend the rest of our life and have children.
11) The same month as #’s 7,8,9, and 10 I learned that my best-friend was pregnant with her second child.
12) I resumed infertility treatment and underwent four rounds of IUI’s and took massive amounts of infertility medications that drained my body, mind and bank account.
13) I did not get pregnant. I did not get pregnant. I did not get pregnant. I did not get pregnant.
14) We gave up on having a baby.
15) He-weasel was offered a job in Texas that was too good not to take.
16) I got so sick with the flu that I ended up in the hospital just days before the movers came and emptied our house.
17) We moved to Texas. I gave up my job and moved far away from friends, family, and my dream house.
18) Shortly after we moved to Texas He-weasel was fired for no reason.
19) We had no income for six months.
20) We moved back to Southern California and lived with our in-laws for the summer.
21) Monsieur Inkey died.
22) We moved again.
My heart aches for you.
As you know from my blog, I too am experiencing delayed depression and grief. I don’t have half the reasons you do, but I understand.
You do whatever you need to do. Cry your eyes out, take Wellbutrin, see a counselor, shop till you drop, scream at the top of your lungs, break something valuable(just not yourself).
I’ve never met you in person, but I know a few things about you. I love you and I’m pulling for you.
Hugs and kisses my dear.
Your friend Loretta is a jewel. Thank her for me. I have often said to you ” I don’t know how you are doing this.” That is why I emailed you in the first place, because I couldn’t believe that anyone who had gone through this much could still function. When you wrote back, really, I was suprised. I was happy that you were able to, but suprised. It shows that you have a lot of inner strength.
But my personal experience has been like yours. I push through it all, then fall apart after it’s over. My reaction was to hibernate in the bedroom with a blanket ,literally, over my head for two weeks. Before I would admit that I had to do something.I told my friends and family not to call me, because I didn’t even have the energy to talk to them.
My heart aches for all you have been through. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You are so lucky to have your he-weasel. Maybe soon you will be ready to get another pet, and caring for it will make you feel good. Take Care.
xoxoxo
Are you sure you don’t want the Wellbutrin
.
They seem like 22 excellent reasons for you to feel really bad. Sadness and grief is a completely rational response in these circumstances – I think you’ve ticked everything on that list of major life stresses. I am so sorry you’ve had to deal with so much; I hope the move to LA will be start of a much better life for you two. I am eating some chocolate for you. x
Merely reading that list is slightly draining. I cannot fathom experiencing a few, let alone all twenty-two.
Have the grief and depression and all the tenebrous emotional shades that accompany such events, but goddamn, you’re a rock.
My god, even a few of the things on your list would be hard to handle – but you have survived all 22 of them. You are very low now, but remember that you have people who love you (your family and friends) and other people who haven’t even met you (your blogging friends) who are wishing you all the best. xx
Oh my goodness. A person less strong than you would have collapsed into a quivering heap long before now. I can’t imagine going through all of that in the space of a year and still being able to put one foot in front of the other. Give yourself due credit for that, and permission to have days when it just isn’t possible. If some “better living through chemistry” is in order right now, take advantage. What a horrible, horrible year. You know it can only get better from here, yes?
Very hard times, that list.
I would never presume to say what you “should” do- anti-depressants have helped several friends see the sky above the trench and haul themselves up. Relieved that you have loving friends close by, and the insight to know why your life has such sadness just now. Wondering if you saw #11 both ways when you wrote the list… sadness that it was not you, and joy for your friend.
You really have been through a lot. I’m so glad you had a supportive friend who could be there for you when you needed just that!
Shar: I know you have been through it too. It feels almost wrong to be feeling bad just as everything seems to be getting better(but even that is hard to trust when you have been through so much).
Even though I have never met you in person that did not stop me from worrying about you when you were gone. I am so glad you are back.Love you and pulling for you too.
xo
Julianne:I will send her your thanks—actually I will send her to my blog so she can read your nice note and I will thank her. I am not sure I am functioning. I have only cooked a few meals in the last months. I often cannot find the strength to make the bed. And, I do not have the will power to work.
I so appreciate your reaching out as I was falling into bits and pieces this last summer. It meant so much to me.
I knew I was pushing through it—but I could feel that I had a limit and I knew there would be a breaking point and then another thing would happen and then another thing and I would just have to delay the breaking point and then the next thing I know everything is calm and quiet and safe–then the tears started to come.
I am very lucky to have my weasel. I am grateful the insurance cards arrived when they did. Now I feel like I have the option of counseling or meds should I decide that is what I want to do.
Hugs to you.xo
Gervy:Lots and lots of chocolate eaten in my name would be a very good thing. Actually, if the world were just and fair I would be able to eat whatever I wanted for the next year without any weight gain. Sadly it is not. xo
Randal: I was frightened to write the list as I felt like it was too much darkness to have in one place. But, I did it and seemed to survive it.
I think if I had to choose who I am in the paper, rock or scissors trio—yes, I am a rock. However little bits of rock have been chipped away and I am feeling a little sandy as of late.
Good God, Gert, a quarter of that list would be enough to make even the Pope go postal. I am so sorry, Belette. That is way too much stuff to process in a short amount of time, and I think anyone would feel overwhelmed and sad. When we had seven weeks to go before our house was finished being built and our landlord had rented our apartment out from under us in the meantime, we had to live in my nasty mother-in-law’s basement for those seven weeks. We had just enough notice of the impending doom for me to get to my doctor and start short-term antidepressants to get me over the hump. I was on them for about 14 weeks total and I have rather poor recollection of that time, but I did survive it without losing my mind. I wasn’t crazy about the idea, but my doctor insisted I take care of myself. Celexa took about four days to kick in, and it took the edge off EVERYTHING. I could think about and deal with everything that came my way without constantly crumbling. And maybe that’s the danger — that it blunts the affect so much that you feel almost nothing while you function — but for me, to get me through the short term till it was safe for me to deal with things again on my own, it was a godsend.
If you need a little something to help steady you until you’re once again strong enough to hold it on your own, don’t overthink it. Just let yourself do it, for a few months, till you feel like it’s safe again for you to let your guard down.
Hugs,
Marsi
Next time you look at your list add the words, “and I survived” to the end of each statement.
Then do it again and add the words, “and I inspired others”.
Finally look over it one last time and add the words, “and I am loved”.
Then stick your tongue out at the list and say, “stick and stones may break my bones, but the past can kiss my ass!”
Notsupermom:It has been a lot. And, I think if I had known in advance what I was to face I would have made other plans. I am very lucky to have such lovely He-weasel, friends, family and bloggy friends.In that category I can definitely see that I am lucky. xo
Just one or two of your 22 reasons are a lot to go through…it’s a testimony to your strength and courage you are here with us. I have a good friend who, in a space of 6 months, left her marriage of 23 years, sold her house, quit her job and got a new one, got a puppy, moved in with someone else and bought a house with that person, her 18 year old nephew died in a motorcycle accident, and her 17 year old daughter refused to speak to her. This happened about 3 years ago and I remember marveling at my friend as she seemed strong and mighty going through all of it. It wasn’t until just this summer she finally let down her guard and told me how traumatic everything had really been and she was going through counseling, etc. It was a good lesson to me that appearances with good friends on the outside are not always the real truth of what they are going through on the inside.
You know of course my prayers and thoughts are coming your way today…and that’s not just a trite saying….praying peace and comfort for you….
Hugs,
Kelly
Jesus darling, it’s a wonder you’re still standing. Or even sitting, crying. Your extraordinary resilience and humour is inspiring, but it’s too too cruel you had to go through all this. The ‘after’ part is bound to be hard. You have so much to process, you poor love. I am going to go and get you some new Belgian snake oil forthwith.
Huge hugs.
Exx
Deja: It is really helpful to have it reflected that I what I have endured has been supra-human stress. I don’t think that if you saw me you would know the extent of my grief—I mask it pretty well. But, as you say, there are days when no mask is possible.
I am a bit afraid of how medication will make me feel. I am afraid it will affect my creativity and make me feel numb. That said, medication may be in order.
I hope you are right. I really would like things to move in the other direction.
xo
Duchesse: Actually, one of the bits that drove me to my breakdown in the Vons parking lot was how far away all my close friends are. Feeling pretty alone in the wilderness out here. Emails, phones and text messages are lovely. But there are times you wish you had a friend whose couch you could collapse on.
I am about to admit what a horrible person I am. I hope you can forgive me. I was not able to truly celebrate for her as I had tried so hard and this came so easy for her that all I felt was envy, anger at some deity who clearly hated me and even more like a failure. Ugh, I hate to admit that. But it is the truth.
xo
TC: Thank you! And, thank you for reading this post. I do feel a bit guilty writing such self-indulgent slop. I tried to write about a bracelet, a pedicure and even a long past memory and I just couldn’t do it. The only thing that made any sense was what I was feeling now.
xo
Marsi: It is a lot, isn’t it? Yeah, I think the cumulative effect of all of this is just really hitting me. I watched the movie “Redemption” and the main character loses everything: job, love, wealth, power, home, child, and even dog. I was going along fine until the redemption occurred and he got it all back—then I turned into a quivering mass of jelly and all I could eek out was “not fair, not fair, not fair.” Yikes, even to write that brings all the tears and feeling right to the surface. It isn’t fair and I really could use a little fairness right now. That would be really nice.
Like I said to Deja, I am afraid of feeling flat, of feeling nothing and worst of all of feeling non-creative( that is a hell I could not endure). Also, would prefer to skip the sexual side effects and the weight gain and that is why Wellbutrin is the only one I would consider.
Thanks so much for sharing about your time when medicine was necessary. It really does help. And, it is good to hear that it can be so short term. I am a bit afraid that if I start I will need to be on them forever. I tend to make things harder for myself than to ever make things easier for myself. I suppose I have that Calvinist thing wired in me and feel like suffering is some kind of noble act. I know, at another level, that is bull sh*t. Ugh, sorry. Fear I am rambling.
Thanks Marsi for all your kind support.
xo
Kelly: There is some kind of unexpected strength and endurance that occurs during the hardest of times and then the demands of that endurance start to make themselves known. I so relate to your friend. And, I thank you so much for sharing her story, for your sincere prayers, and for all the kindness you have shown me throughout this hard time. I am forever grateful to you.xo
Jaywalker: Thank you, it has been an awful lot and I would really prefer to press the reset button than to have to go through all the grief, feelings and crap that comes with processing this stuff.
You have been such a sweetheart during this hard time. I cannot thank you enough. Your box of Belgian goodies got me through the worst of summer. Just when I was about to collapse I would have a bite of Belgian chocolate and remember how lucky I am to have such lovely and dear blogging friends.
xo
FUCK! I’d be on extra strength something after all that! OMG….you are so brave though. I could never just move out of LA to …anywhere, really! In fact, I don’t even want to go as far as Woodland Hills.
You’re really brave and you’ve been through so much …no wonder you can’t get knocked up…I mean seriously, tell your husband you need to stay in one place for a while for your own sanity …and, I think you should move back here, LA, that is
Kristen: I wish you were here. I would love to thank you in person for your VERY lovely comment. It made me cry, it made me feel some sense of survival, and it made me laugh. I cannot thank you enough. IT was just what I needed to hear. And, I assure you that I will reread your comment many-many-many times. Huge hugs to you. Thank you!xoxo
Maegan: I am back in L.A., well sort of, I am in Valencia. But, my friends are very far from me and somehow L.A. is not feeling like home. I guess nowhere would feel like home at this point. It will take time and perhaps some drugs to get to the point where I can feel like I am at home again.
Thanks so much,Maegan. Really, it is so great to hear from others that this was a whole sh*t load of stuff to endure.xo
Sending huge hugs across the pond for everything you have had to go through! You are a much stronger person than I ever could be. Keep hanging in there because seriously with all of that you have to be due to win at least two or three lottery drawings.
Holy crap, Belette, you are a force of strength. I am so sorry to hear about your recent wretched experiences. So, so, sorry. I will email you offline so as not to leave the longest message in the world…
just wanted to let you know that I received your virtual hug and am sending you one right back!
Even someone living a life that others only dream about (expat in france, for example) faces depression. No matter what, you will come out of this stronger. Just a thought, you’ve been able to figure out how to finance several moves as well as a very big dream, this makes me think that you are more than capable of accomplishing something for yourself – not for your man, not for your family but for YOU.
Justin: Thank you. I really appreciate them. All of these hugs are much needed and sincerely appreciated.
I look forward to my lottery wins and the huge party that I will throw in Paris when the win occurs. You will be there, won’t you?
Just sing #1-22 to the beat of the Blues and you will feel just a little better, won’t you?
Seriously any one of these can create misery and stress. Maybe, just maybe it is your turn for something good to happen.
K.line: Thank you so much. I so appreciate your kind comment and very helpful email. I could just hug you.
xoxo
Stephanie: So great to see you here and I am so glad you got my hug. I am delighted to get yours.
So often we ( meaning me) assume that when someone seems to have everything that they are immune from depression. I know that it is just not true and yet there is another part of me that forgets.
I feel so grateful that through this all I have been able to write and to blog(with only a month break). I do feel my strength and I am grateful to know I have that. Also, I am so very grateful for all the friends I have made through writing. I fear if I was not writing I might be a complete and total mess.
Huge hugs to you.xo
So sorry for all the “badness” that has happened to you this year. Wishing you better times ahead. xxx The Franco Fille
Indigo: Billy Holiday could have turned my list into a hit record.;-)
If there is a balancing principal in the universe I do believe that it would be the right time for good things to start happening. I look forward to writing the post “22 reasons I am ridiculously happy.”
xo
Franco Fille: Thank you! It is so good to see you. I have missed you.
xo
Breathe. And hang in there. It will be ok, truly.
And it’s ok to feel sad about change. I’m sending positive vibes your way!
Storialist: Thank you. I know that in time this all shall pass. I only wish time would move a bit faster.
I happily take in your lovely vibes.
xo
You have been through so much, and sometimes it just takes time for all the grief and emotions to come out..I have been there many a time.
You are in my prayers and I am sure that things will all come together, one way or another.
Ma belle, you know I’ve been through bad times, so I can understand you, but your list is too long for someone, even a brave like you. All of those things are crisis makers, even if you just had to move one time it would make a crisis, because everything that frightens our “security” makes us fragil.
So it’s perfectly understandable that when things are calming down you should get down, because you’ve no need to fight against bad times.
Let that flow… this also shall pass.
My prays and thoughts are with you, you know.
I love you, and with me so many people in bloggosphere.
You’ve been present for me, I’m also here for you, if you need “call me”.
Take it easy, stop to smell the flowers and smile.
A big warm hug ma belle
xoxo
((hug))
Anne:I am sorry you have been there. Depression sucks!!
Thank you for your comment of encouragement and your prayers. Ineed them.xo
Seeker:I was just telling someone “it is only 22 things”—but they are big things. My security, stability, and having a sense of certainty has all been majorly messed with.
Seeker, thank you so very much for your encouragement, support and sincere well wishes. I feel your love, prayers and all around good vibes. It feels good.
xoxo
Wendy: ((Thanks))xo
Don’t worry, you can still crush the scissors, chipped or not, and the paper will blow away at the next gust; its victory is only temporary.
Oh I don’t know what to say, apart from that you had every reason to cry. That was a very emotional post – I cannot imagine what it would be like to live it.
I am glad that you have a friend like Loretta.
Randal:
xo
Pretty Face:Thank you for your note. Living through it feels sort of easier than living after it. But, I will get through it.
I am too. I am lucky to have lovely friends.
La Bel, even one of those reasons would reduce most people to rubble, leave most people absolutely flattened.
Neither of these things has happened to you, and there are 22 reasons total in your life that made you feel as you do. Yet you are not rubble, you are not flattened.
I am in awe of you.
Enc: My life does feel a bit flat compared to the fullness of my life before all of this. I am sure in time that will change. I am not totally flattened and rubble—so that is something.
xo
I am sending you so many Hugs! You are such a wonderful person and you have been through such a stressful time – it is true that you deserve a medal just for begin able to get up and get dressed properly at this point. As Shar said, so whatever you need to do and take care of yourself.
Oh my. This truly is an overload for any human being. I hope that you two are in a more stable job situation now and can calm the waters, so to speak . . . Thanks so much for visiting my blog; I always enjoy your comments.
Paula: Hugs are great. I will take all you’ve got!;-)
No medal for dressing today.;-) It is 12:48 and I am still in squirrel pajama pants and a wife-beater tank.
Thanks so much for your kind note and sincere concern.
xo
Miss Cavendish: So great to see you here. Sorry that is on a low-day. I am not usually so depressing or depressed.
He-weasel has a lovely job. I am taking a break and deciding what the next step will be. Things are much more stable.
Thanks so much for coming by and for your comment.
xo
What a terrible list – and how strong you are to have survived it so well.
I went on Zoloft a few years ago (due to PND), and was very worried that it would make me numb or change my personality, but in fact all it did was make me feel ‘normal’ again, and able to cope. I didn’t realise how I had not been feeling normal for a long time. Taking medication to help you through is not weak.
This list is incredibly long, and if you ever look at that list of things that will make you stressed and depressed, you’ve done it all 10 times over, yet are still standing.
Cry cry cry – it releases the stress from your body – let it all out – there is no shame in breaking down – you are not weak, but incredibly strong. I cry in sympathy as I read your post and write this reply
Don’t mask it all the time in front of your friends, they are your friends and you need to let them in. They probably find it hard to believe after all you’ve gone through that you are standing at all.
You are an inspiration to many, and you will only grow stronger!
Much love
oh my gosh. we are sending you hugs and kisses.
Yup, that is 21 reasons more than any one human being should have to bear at one time.
Heal yourself La Belle. Take time to grieve and to mind yourself. It is an irish expression like “take care” but take it literally this time. Imagine that you are your own angel looking down and needing to nurture and protect you for a while. Drink coffee, eat icecream, take walks in the fresh air (daylight and oxygen are natural anti depressants)
Then when you are feeling a bit more healed, do a little spot analysis of what your strengths are and how you feel about them.
I am not so much in the whole “karma” camp as I think bad things happen to good people for no good reason. And arseholes can be really rich. But I also think that a door slamming in one part of your house can create a little bang that opens another. You might not notice it at first but giving yourself space, will help you hear it. What is behind that door, what is meant for you could be very rewarding, very soul enriching. And as you obviously have a lot of love to spare; you may find another way of sharing that love.
Mind yerself.
xx
Imogen:It is a really terrible list. I would so prefer to write a grocery list, clothes I need list or even things I need to do list. I am so sorry that my list created tears for you—sniff, sniff, hug, hug.
I really don’t have any sense that meds are a sign of weakness. Rather, it just took me some time to admit that I was really so down. I think it was so great that you knew to get medication and that it helped.
I seem to be going from crying to feeling totally flat. The flat feeling almost feels harder than the tears.
I think that my friends must be sick to death of my sadness, grief and loss–I feel a bit like a one note samba. I have withdrawn and created a lot of distance in my friendships so I don’t have to talk about it all. Really, I am so sick of my story and I feel sure they are too.
You are so very sweet. I sincerely appreciate your note. Hugs to you.xo
Savvy: Thanks, sweets. I so appreciate the hugs and kisses.
Hammie:Really, reading your lovely note feels like being tended to by a fairy Godmother. Even in your note I feel your amazing maternal energy.
I could so use that kind of self-care you speak of. I am not pushing myself to do anything.I can’t get out and walk as it is really hot here and hence I am housebound. I wish I could. Walking seems like it would be a great thing to do.
I do feel like that since writing is the only thing I can do—it is the door that has opened. I do wish it would open a little wider.
Thanks, dear Hammie, for your very sweet note.
xo
You’ve gone through alot…admire the strength, The good thing is through hard times we really find who we really are… even finding those who r really our true friends! Hugs+kisses to you dear…
Print off that list then burn it. Slit that black dog’s throat.
Lenore: You are so right! Thanks, Sweets.xo
Tessa: I wish I could burn them out fo my psyche. Black dog get out of my lap.xo
Oh dear… You do need a big hug.
Do cry.. I don’t think I could hold up. Listen to your dear friend. You’re lucky to have her. Although nothing seemed to have gone well for the past months it seems like you have a good friend to talk to. I wish you well. Hope all this turns around soon for you.
I give you big hug. Best wishes.
So sorry you’re feeling low, but so impressed you can talk and write your way through it so openly. Tea, cookies, and a big hug, my dear.
Isn’t it such a great relief to just break down and cry? I think we’re all entitled to a healthy dose of crying every so often. Good thing there’s the act of writing to save the day, plus happy pills
I’m in the “not pregnant and always moving” part of life too. Exhausting.
Songy: I am taking all of the lovely hugs, advice and kind soothing in that all of you are so generously offering.
You are right, I am lucky to have such a wonderful friend. I am crying until there are no more tears. And things seem to get better—but it is hard to trust.
Thanks so much, Songy!!
Mater:Without the anonymity of the blog I can assure you I would be suffering in silence. Actaully, my biggest dread is knowing that people who *know* me in the non-blogging world will read this and then it will be akward when I see them and they ask me how I am doing. Le sigh! Le sniff!.I am so coming over and sitting on your porch.;-)
Lavender: It is and then there is the time between cries that is strangely hard. I hate that you are going through the “not pregnant and always moving” thing; it sooo sucks! Hoping you get pregnant and get settled soon.
You are amazingly strong. There is no shame in taking an anti-depressant and it’s not a sign of weakness. Think of it as seasickness medicine. You’ve weathered the storm and you’re still queasy. It’ll help you get your land legs back. You’re doing great, I’m so impressed with you. Hang in there, this too shall pass, as I’ve said to you before! We all need a little help sometimes: http://everydaysplendor.blogspot.com/2008/08/elephant.html
dear…you are the only blog I have to visit twice a day!!! I’m such a busy-body…heehee* got to nose around to read your replies to all these comments… facinating indeed… Got to sleep soon, nightie-night belle!
Beautiful brave b
You have such courage and write so beautifully. What I’d most like to do now is go out for a long walk on a beach with you.
As the french would say laisse le temps au temps and you will find that things will slowly ‘come right’. This was a favourite expression of my late fathers.
I so love your blog and start my day in London by reading it.
You are an incredible woman.
love you
g
have sort of given up on my blog – as i just don’t have the knack.
You sound like such a strong, amazing and brave person. I’m so sorry you have had to go through such terrible and difficult experiences, my heart goes out to you. Sending you a big fat hug and lots of love and healing energy.
Pamela: First let me say, I love that poem and I too know that cloud–it has come for me before. Sometimes it has come for no reason. This time there are 22 reasons.
I totally agree, I am absolutely not one of those people who have any kind of moral judgment about medicine. If you have a headache you take an aspirin. If you have soul crushing depression you take an anti-depressant. I am getting a prescription filled today and will hopefully take my first dose by this afternoon.
I do wish we were in the same city so that we could meet for coffee and talk about the clouds or whatever.
I know it will pass. Time moves slow when the weather is of this sort.
Thanks so much for your comment, encouragement and sharing your poem.
xo
Lenore: You are such a sweety! Thank you for coming back. It is always lovely to see you–here or on your lovely blog.
xo
G: It is always so lovely to see you. Thank you so much, TP. You are so very kind. A long walk by the beach sounds wonderful. What time can you be here?;-)
“Laisse le temps au temps” what a lovely saying. Thank you for sharing it with me. I have a special love for keeping the words and phrases alive of those who have passed. I sort of feel like by saying their words we keep them alive. My grandfather Bithdikson was forever saying, “No hurry; no worry.” I tell myself that when I feel like I have to hurry up and catch up.
I am delighted to be a part of your mornings. It is a thrill to know that someone in London,Paris and even Hong Kong reads my little scribbles everyday. I am so grateful for that.
I am sorry you have decided to not to blog. It does take a lot of time and energy. There isn’t time in the day for everything.
Please say hi again soon in the comments when you are so moved. I love to know you are out there reading and what you are thinking.
Big hugs.xo
Brownwyn: So sorry your first time visiting my blog is on such a dark day. I promise that this is the exception and not the rule. I say this as I really hope you come back again. It is so nice to see you on my blog.
I was so delighted to find yours. So much beauty on your page. You absolutely deserved that beauty award.
Thank yo so much for your sweet comment, the big hug and that lovely healing energy.xo
Just a quick note to say that I read the post and I feel for you. Just heartbreaking everything you’ve been through. However, I truly believe that after all the sh*t that life has thrown at you that you are due some sunny weather which you will no doubt appreciate after all the storms.
XXX
Oh, I am so far behind I can’t even begin to catch up with all your comments. But a fraction of that list could bring down most people and I think that you are weathering it fabulously. Cry, Cry, Cry. Shriek a little too perhaps. You never really had a chance to grieve for anything before the next disaster hit and now the world owes you a big one.
As for the grief over children not born, that never seems to go away but one does make a kind of peace. IN answering your previous posts, yes going through a period where you hate children should be a part of that. That stage took me a long time. Sending virtual hugs.
Sez:Thanks, honey! I so hope you are right. I am exhausted from the gauntlet we have run. I so hope that the sun stay up for a while and the good things start to happen.
xo
Mardel:The grief comes in waves and I am feeling much better today. At any time that wave can come back.
I am so sorry you have gone through the baby stuff. I hate that others know this pain. It is really hard. I am so tired of seeing kids everywhere I go. I would love to move into a child-free zone until I am done with the grief or found the peace you speak of.
Thank you so much for your note and for the hugs.
xo
darlin, I’ve been way offline with my visiting daughter … no reading of the blogs and only 2 quick posts the past week plus.
I read this and pulled heart out of stomach, where it sank and began flipping. I so know the feeling of the meltdown, and also am so gratified you had a lifering to grab …
don’t forget you also deferred a major dream. the dream of la France. not to add fuel to the fire. your list was so heartwrenchingly raw … i think losing dreams makes one lose hope.
so part of what i wish for you is to find some new dreams, or resurrect some old ones. cos we don’t only need them when we are kids, ya know?!
biggest hug ever from across the seas, xxx
NJNRR: I have missed you! SO good to see you!
Yes, my list and the actual experience has majorly sucked and there is more to add to the list. There was the abandoning of the France move, my mother’s health issues, and even more fun. I have also discovered who my real friends are and who aren’t and that has been a very painful lesson. It has been a living hell–a’la Job. I would really like some redemption to start ASAP.
Writing seems to be the only dream I can hang onto. Other than writing I have been pretty much lost all hope and desire. I am not even sure I want them to come back. Time will tell.
I thank you so much for your huge hugs, sincere wishes and heartfelt suggestions.xoxo
Oh belette, I’m so sorry I haven’t been keeping up with your blog. I am sorry things are going poorly. Moves are hard, a lot of other stuff has been hard…oh hell, what to say?
Take care and I will check in more now.
Betty: Really great to see you. It feels like it has been a long time. I I need to get over to witness your prfound France.
It has been a very difficult period. I am hoping the worst is behind me.
Thanks so much for your very kind note.
Oh Belette- I am so sorry that all of these things occurred in such a short period of time (and ever). You are a remarkably strong Weasel and as my psychiatrist told me on the visit in which I decided to try Zoloft for a year, “You have developed very good coping skills, but you are suffering more than need.” I am glad you can lighten the load and take some time to heal and get strong again. The IVF alone is enoug to be PTSDing over, but then there was the rest.
BTW- got the thing and WOW! I’ll email soon, ’cause I have a couple ?’s. I wish i could hug you. I’ll give you an eHug. You can save it as an MP1 file and put it on your iPod.
Frieda: I am proud of my decision to take an anti-depressant. I told some friends who I feared might have some judgement that I no longer have to suffer. I have suffered enough. And, if there is ANYTHING I can do
to lessen my suffering I will do it.
I spoke to another friend today and she brought up the fact that I left about 5 huge things off my list–as it is something I would prefer not to discuss on my blog( after all there are friends and family who do read my blog). Those 5 things bring my list up to 27. It is just too much. I don’t know how I have survived these last years. But I did.I am proud of that.
I would happily keep your hug on my favorites on my I-pod. I am feeling your genuine concern and the warmth of your hug.
Hope you have no problem with what I sent. I think there should be 19 sessions on it. You can go to any of there locations.
Dear Bellette!Last time i was on Your blog when Your cat was gone…Today i decide to visit you and i find girl like me.I had my 40 birthday on 1-th september,have 2 cats,still no children,my beloved partner since 10 years still has big problems in his factory + now big fear about world crisis.Sometimes it’s to much for me and i’m going to give up.And then i realize that it’s not so bad.Anyway i have two hands and two legs, i can do what i want to do and i can go where i want to go.If You need some medicaments to get well go ahead,my partner used Prozac some years ago and it was very helpfull,now he uses Effectin and it also works.15 years ago my then-husband had romance affair with my good friend and when i discovered it,i had BIG depression.I survived thanks to medicaments and…lessons of french language.Actually after drugs i was totaly unable to learn anything and i was almost sleeping on the desck.But everyday i had to go to school,be with people and this save my life.Now i’m stronger and i can fight with life without drugs but belive me sometimes you need them.I will visit You blog soon and i hope You will be better.And sorry for my english.Monika from Poland
Monika: Thank you so much. You just don’t know how much your very honest note touched me. I sincerely wish that we could meet for lunch and share our list—for as they say a burden shared is a burden lessened. I am so sorry that you relate to my list. I really know that feeling of it all being too much. I am so sorry, Monika, that you are having such a hard time. You have really been through it!
But you survived and sounds like you are stronger than ever.
Thank you so much. I REALLY appreciate you writing. And, your English is amazing.
Huge hug to you.xo
jeez! now *i* don’t want to get up and feel like crying. you just go ahead and feel as bad as you want — sometimes it really is what you need. several years ago, when i went through a period of grief, i decided to allow myself to wallow in self-pity and to cry as much as i wanted, whenever i wanted, *wherever* i wanted for a full month… and it worked! by the end of that month, i was fully ready to leave off that for a bit. the next time i felt that same emotional tsumanmi for the same reason, i decided to allow myself a week, and each time thereafter, i allowed myself full self-pity and crying for a little less time. eventually, i just sort of moved on. and you have *lots* more reasons than i had (mine mostly involved love)…cry for a full year if you want to, i say! i hate people saying “time to move on!” *you* decide when to move on. my sympathies are with you.
Bonnie-Ann:I am sorry. I sort of feel like I should have put up a warning lable that reading this post might make you feel sad. It certainly makes me sad.
I have given myself that very important permission that you gave yourself. I do have some people in my life who want me to cheer up and
be happy right now. This grief took time to accumulate and it will take time to process.
I think your titrating plan is wonderful. I used to do the Madnna plan of giving myself 24 hours to feel awful. However, as I never really processed so much of this I am giving myself until the end of the year to grieve it. I cannot wait until 2009!!!!
Thank you so much for your very kind note and your sharing of your experience.:-)
oh, la belette! i left off the *most* important part — when you get to the end of your well-deserved self-pity expression, you must give yourself a nice treat. nothing spectacular, nothing outrageous (*necessarily*) but something that acknowledges you also have a right to happiness and joy and light. after my first long bout, i took my favorite aunt and myself to philadelphia to see a great art exhibit (chagall, i believe it was)… after the next one, i went for a nice tea at the Plaza hotel… and such like. try it — indulge the sad, then indulge the hope for happiness.
Bonnie-Ann: Did you know up front what you wanted you do to honour the end of your grieving? I don’t think I yet know. Paris seems obvious. And, yet, in a way I don’t want Paris to be related to all of this.
I think it is so important to have rituals as a way of marking something important. I do need to do something significant to celebrate my survival. But, I think it will be awhile before I am ready.
Thank you so much for part I and II of your message. It is so great to hear from others who have had a list that floored them and how they survived. Huge heartfelt hug.xo
p.s. I think that for the magnitude of this list I deserve something a bit outrageous and spectacular.;-)
What an annus horribilus, LBR!
It’s a wonder you can even get out of bed, dress yourself and keep writing. It’s a testament to your strength that you’ve survived and come through the other side of such a terrible year. Good for you for recognizing that you need medicine to be well. Here’s hoping your second year of blogging is a joyous one.
Hugs,
Janet
Janet:Yep. It has sucked. I have to tell you that I have not been able to do all the things you think I have. Not every day has involved dressing, getting out of bed, and there was a month I didn’t even write a check.
I am stronger than I thought I was. It really is amazing all that I have been through and I have not broken into little bits. But, the grief has caught up with me.
Thanks, Janet, for your comment and validation. I know you have gone through so much this year and you are still standing. I want to know how you are doing it. Really, I admire your strength.
I so hope that 2009 will be a year filled with 222 reasons to be happy for both of us. We deserve it!
xo
la belette: no, i don’t believe i knew exactly what i wanted to do when i first started on my self-pity journey… but i think about the middle of the whole total grief immersion, i started to weary of it a little and may have seen the ad for the chagal exhibit… and then, my aunt was so supportive and great during that period, it all kind of came together as a capper to that particular period. you’ll find, i think, that there will be a point when you will start to be exhausted of your feelings and just as a little respite, something in you will say “surely, i deserve a little treat when all this is over”… and you’ll find the treat. i do sort of agree with you that Paris may not be what you want to associate with the self-imposed ending… but maybe by that time you’ll see that you deserve Paris — we *all* deserve Paris, my dear — eventually. you’ll find it. never fear. just because you’ll be sick and tired of being sick and tired.
Bonnie-Ann:I am absolutely at the point where I know that this pain and grief will someday end. And,there will come a time when I will need to do something really significant to mark my survival.
There is no hurry to know. Time will tell what that “something” will be. And, that time is not now.
I cannot thank you enough of for sharing your experience. Huge hug.